Original subtitles

Let's go over some of the equipment you'll be needing to host the show this

evening, Mr. Bond.

Thank you, Bunsen, but I'm not really James Bond. I'm just Pierce Brosnan.

Oh, whatever you say, 007.

Wink, wink.

Now,

this interesting little gizmo looks like an ordinary microphone.

A microphone, eh? And what does it do?

Well, it amplifies your voice electronically so the audience can hear

I see.

And I suppose this is the on button.

No, that's the button that makes Beaker's pants explode.

Beaker, go change your pants.

Come along.

Yes. Over here, I'd like to show you this. We call this our deadly alarm

I see, and how does that work?

Well, we put it in a great big slingshot and fire it point blank at somebody's

head. It really hurts.

I bet it does, Bunsen.

Oh, oh, hi there, Pierce. Hey, how's it going, huh?

Well, it's going great, Connor, except, um...

everyone's treating me like I'm James Bond, and I'm not. I mean, that's just

character I play in the movies. Oh, yeah.

You know, I mean, because in real life, I'm not that suave or debonair at all.

Now, where did I put that high -powered laser of death cotton swab?

What?

Hey, this is the reason I moved out of the Y.

Well, I think I'll just go to make -up, guys.

It's Muppet Tonight with our very special guest, R. Pierce Brosnan.

And now, here's the host

of our show, Clifford. Hey, what's up, what's up?

Yeah, welcome to Muppets Tonight.

They showed it can be seen everywhere from Istanbul to Constantinople.

Clifford, haven't you heard? Istanbul is Constantinople. What do you mean?

Istanbul was Constantinople. Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople. Been a

time, time.

Constantinople, why did Constantinople need the works?

That nobody did this, but the nerds.

Me!

Anywho, our special guest tonight is none other than...

Walk him right into the middle of that circle thing.

All right, where is he?

Stage door. Where's the stage door? This is ridiculous.

They all look the same.

You again?

You must be one sad and lonely man.

Please don't give the wrong impression. It's just one looking for the... Never

mind.

Hey, man, get that thing off of me.

Ladies and gentlemen, while we wait for Pierce Brosnan, why don't we bring out

another act?

Excuse me while I see what we have in our vast reservoir of talent.

Later.

Yo, Riz, Riz, Riz, what you got for me? Well, I'm afraid our vast reservoir is

more like a vast desert. All we got is dancing grandmas. Oh, that doesn't sound

good. Well, it's either that or Seymour and Pepe doing German opera.

Hi there.

I'm Kristen.

I'm a Sody.

We do all the time.

We both wear little horses.

And go swimming up the Rhine. Ta -da!

I'll go and introduce the grandmas.

Yeah. Oh, I told you we should have done sugar babies, okay?

Ladies and gentlemen, let's give a big Muppet welcome to the Dancing Grandma.

Whoa, whoa, look at her shake that thing.

What thing is that?

I don't remember.

Hey, Riz, those grandmas can sure bust a move.

Yeah, let's just hope they don't bust a hip.

Hey, hey, hey, Clifford, look.

I finally got over my fear of standing next to closed doors.

If there are any naked bears in here, please speak up now.

Oh, very good. Hi, guys. Yo, yo, yo, Pierce.

Where you been, man?

We need you for the spy in the casino sketch.

Oh, good, good, good. What does that involve?

You know, the usual, where the spy has a fight theme, dances with beautiful

women, and gets tortured and saves the day. And what do I do?

That is what you'll be doing, man. You know, just like in your movies. But this

is live television. I mean, in the movies, we plan everything. We do it

over again until we get it right.

I mean, we have stuntmen and special effects. We go to exotic locations like

Istanbul and Constantinople.

Every gal in Constantinople lives in Istanbul, not Constantinople. So if

a date in Constantinople, you'll be waiting in Istanbul.

You know, Clifford, that annoying and repetitive rat song has given me time to

think. I'll do the sketch.

Good! There's nothing like flying without a net. It should be fun. Live

television. Yeah. Getting it perfect the first time.

I'll be back.

All right.

Man, you all right?

I'm all right.

I'm all right. I'm all right.

It's all right. Come on, Dave.

Come to mama.

Come on. Poor Black.

You win again, sir.

Luck is with me tonight. Thank you, sir. Thank you indeed. Yes, have one

yourself. Oh, ow, ow, ow, my eye, my eye.

Ah,

champagne. No, no, no, wait, that's a prop.

Thank you. Sorry, sorry about that.

You're showing 18, sir.

Oh, after your old tricks of playing pinochle again, eh, Blowfish?

It's Blackjack, you fool.

Oh, you changed your name to Blackjack. Very clever.

I still recognize you. Oh, be quiet.

I'm in the middle of an important venture.

I have 60 ,000 pounds riding on this island.

60 ,000 pounds, eh?

That's nothing for an international crook like you. Why, I've seen you bet

more... Sorry.

Sorry.

You idiot!

He's not exactly Fred Astaire. He's more like Fred Falldown Astaire.

Even the laugh track didn't think that was funny.

Catch the bed.

Cue the dancing grandma.

Too late. We already put them to bed.

Then wake them up, man.

Meantime, cue the Bay of Pigs watch, Nigel.

Cue the Bay of Pigs watch. Cue, cue, cue.

Bay of Pigs watch.

Starring David Hogselhoff as Champ Swimmer.

Pamela Henderson as Pamela.

Andy and Randy Pig as Donnie and Art C. Schell.

That

was

a swell song.

Oh, well, would you like to hear it backwards?

Oh, it's Julius Strangepork, Commissioner of Beach Safety and my

Stand up straight. Yes, sir. Suck in your gut. Slip one leg.

Yeah, the hokey pokey. And turn yourself around.

Oh, that's what it's all about.

Oh, yeah.

That's enough.

Yes, sir.

It has come to my attention that your lifeguard license has expired.

Why, that's impossible, sir. My level -headed assistant lifeguards just

it for me. Isn't that right, boys?

Oh, oh, look, champ. Donnie caught a goldfish with his head.

Oh, nice fishing.

Well,

Schremer, obviously you must take the test again or you can no longer be head

lifeguard. Well, I'll do whatever it takes to keep this cushy job.

All right, the first test is weightlifting.

Piece of cake?

No, maybe later. But first you have to lift that 500 -pound barbell.

What,

500 pounds?

Oh, well, okay.

Well, dig this, Pamela.

Very clever, Schremer. Now try it without the fabulous bacon boys.

Oh, all right, fellas, let it down.

Okay, so... Well, since Champ has failed the test and is completely

kaput, I've decided to make you the new head lifeguard.

Goodie, but I don't have a license either.

Yo, yo, yo, yo, you two, Donnie found Champ's license.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, where was it?

What? Inside the goldfish.

It seems you're the head lifeguard again, and there's only one thing left

The hokey pokey?

Welcome to Swift Wits, the fastest game show on TV. I'm your host, Snooki Blyer,

and here is today's contestant, Mr. Arthur Modell.

Arthur, I understand you have an interesting story about the time you

cruise with the Dalai Lama? Yes, thanks, Snooki. You see, we were... Uh -huh,

okay, Arthur. I said you had an interesting story. I didn't say I wanted

it. Sorry.

Okay, let's see who you'll be playing for today.

It's kindly old Rufus the Hound.

Answer correctly, and we'll make sure Rufus gets all the medication he needs

enjoy his golden years.

If, however, you fail to answer the question, old Rufus will be eaten alive

Carl the Big Mean Bunny.

Now, let's tell our audience the correct answer. The answer is the Battle of

Hastings. You have ten seconds, Arthur.

Here are your clues.

The Battle of Hastings.

Oh, well, that's right.

That's the first story I'm guessing we've ever had in the history of this

Oh, it's incredible.

Congratulations, Arthur.

Oh, thank you. And congratulations to Rufus. Oh, I'm sorry, Carl. This is one

guest you can't eat.

That's what you say.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Hey, don't do that.

No, no, no.

Stop that.

Carl, stop.

Carl. Oh, oh.

Cream and gold.

Yeah, it's pretty.

Here's the plan. Yeah, yeah.

After we do our musical number, we take over the studio and make our demands.

Okay. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

What are you guys doing here?

We're the Rock Lobsters. We're here to do our big Rock Lobster song on the

Yeah, and then we're going to take over the studio.

Quiet. Wait a minute. What did he say?

Nothing. He was talking about how bears will believe anything you tell them.

Yeah. You got that right.

Have a good day, fellas.

That was a close one.

Well, hi there.

What can I take you to? Knock off that small -pox dumbo and take it to the

table. All right.

If you want my body and your chicken shake.

Oh, hey, Mr. Callahan. How you doing? The usual, huh?

No? Then let me try something on on you. I call this the Polly Wallbanger.

It's got a real...

Ooh, the kick to it.

Don't worry, Mr. C. Those stains will come out.

Clueless? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's in the back. I'll call him out.

Clueless?

Thank you.

Thank you. Oh, hi, Mr. Callahan.

Oh, by the way, you've got a run in your nylons there.

Hey, Clueless? Yeah. What's this I hear about you going back to school?

Oh, yes, yes. I'm going to night school.

Good for you.

What are you studying?

Uh, jousting.

Jousting! I did it! Night school jousting!

You want to sing or should I hit you in the head with this frying pan?

Oh, um, I want to sing.

Huh?

Beautiful dreamer, wake on... I thought you said I

had a choice.

I lied.

You're right, Mr. Callahan.

It's not nice to lie.

Go,

Granny.

Go, Granny. Go, Granny. Go, Granny. Clifford, Clifford, look.

I got over my fear of holding way too many pies next to a closed door.

I've got great news. I just talked to Pierce, and he wants to do an act that's

filled with danger, excitement, and things flying through the air. What is

One of those action -adventure stunt shows?

Oh, it's even better. Juggling.

Juggling? Yeah, yeah. With Andy and Randy Pig.

Oh, yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves for the dazzling juggling artistry of

Pierce Brosnan and Andy and Randy Pig.

Mr. Bosnan!

Where is he? I don't know.

We're already out here!

Sorry, fellas. Had to make a trip to the little spy's room.

Nerves, you know. Top secret stuff.

Nancy and Clancy!

Let's juggle! Let's juggle!

Yes! Here we go!

Here we go!

Coming at you, Nancy!

Coming at you, Clancy!

Here we go!

We should have found out what struggling is. There you go. There you go. Coming

at you.

That's it. Don't lose interest.

Why is he hitting us? I don't know.

This job's too hard.

I guess you've got to take the good with the bad. Yeah, but I'm still waiting

for the good.

There.

Ladies and gentlemen, before things really fall apart... Here are the

nautical but nice music...

We were at the beach.

Everybody had matching towels. Somebody went under a dock, and there they

saw a rock.

It wasn't a rock.

What the rock loved.

Here comes a stingray.

There goes a dogfish.

Chased by a catfish.

In through a sea robin.

Watch out for that piranha.

There goes a narwhal.

Here comes a bikini whale.

Look at those lobsters out there. Aren't they cute?

With their little lobster outfits, their little lobster guitars, and their

little lobster semi -automatic weapons.

Keep that camera trained on me, or she'll shoot you.

That's right, you'll be sorry then. All right, all right.

Selfie to the world, unite.

Yeah. We, the Trustation Liberation Army, are taking over the Muppet

Yeah, that's right. He's not going to announce our plans for world domination.

Yeah. We are on demand.

First, from now on, when someone's in a bad mood, no more calling them crabs.

That's right.

Second, when someone is short, no more...

Make it easy, Ed.

I'm sorry.

Third, no more movies based on old TV shows.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right.

Wait a minute, what's that got to do with shellfish?

Nothing. It's for the benefit of all mankind.

Well, you gotta agree with them on that one.

These guys look serious, Chief. What are we gonna do?

Clifford, I have an announcement to make.

I can't talk right now, Pierce. We're in the middle of a crisis. Nevertheless, I

came in here to make my apologies for ruining your show and to...

Tell everyone that I'm leaving.

Yeah, well, later. Yeah, later. Bye.

This, this, wait, don't go.

No, you didn't ruin the show.

I mean, the casino sketch and your juggling act, they were hysterical.

Really? You thought they were funny, Fuzzy? Oh, yeah, they were fun.

Yeah, and I'm no funny because I am a professional comedian.

Oh, thank you. And Vicky and I found it scientifically entertaining.

Remember, I am a professional scientist.

This is true, this is true. Oh, guys, you've made me feel so good. Thank you

much. If there's anything I can do to make this show better, I will do

Anything?

Well, maybe you can help us with these armed lobsters that have taken over the

studio. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sooner said than done.

Bunsen, you quickly go get those special gadgets together.

Lovely. I'm off to slip into a clever disguise.

Yes.

Demand number 49.

Istanbul should be changed to Constantinople.

So take me back.

Constantinople, no, you can't go back.

Constantinople, been a long time gone.

Constantinople, why did Constantinople get the works?

That's nobody's business, but it hurts. Hey!

All right, so it wasn't a real demand. I just wanted to hear that song again.

Anyway, until all our demands are met, we rule the airwaves. Yeah. We will

control the entertainment on this show.

Yeah. That's right. We will put on what we want to see.

Yeah. Men, what do we want to see?

You're kidding.

What? Are you sure?

Yeah. All right, then. We choose to put on the Dancing Grandmas.

Yeah.

Boy, watching these grandmas has me feeling something I haven't felt in

What's that?

My pulse!

All right, it's been five minutes and I can see our demands are not going to be

met.

Agnes, when I get home, I don't want you to say I told you so.

Now, to show you how serious we are, bring out the hostages.

Oh, no!

No, no!

So,

how does it feel now that you're about to be sacked? Sacrifice big shot

capitalistic entertainers? Yeah.

Let's hear you sing now.

Yeah. Okay.

I'm Seymour. I'm Pepe. We're two of a kind. We're about to be sacrificed.

And I've got a big behind.

We only had a little more time to prepare, okay? Yeah, yeah. Silence!

Take them away before they sing again!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Hey, who's the new kid?

Her name's Prawn.

James Prawn.

Welcome to the car, Stretch.

Careful, boss. It could be a trap.

Hey, look, I'm a lobster. I know a trap when I see one. A trap doesn't have

catchy music cues.

Okay, Prawn, you could kill him. No, no. Wait a second, Tort.

I want to kill him.

No, no. Don't you think you're being a little shellfish?

I am a little shellfish. Huh?

Oh, I get it. It's a pun.

Oh. Wait a second.

crustaceans don't make puns. Yeah, you're no pun.

Get him, boy.

Okay, your time's up. This is it.

All right.

You have really... You have really ticked me off now.

Hey, look at Pierce go.

Yeah. Boy, this sure would make a great closing number. Yeah, if only we had

some music.

Out of the way, Johnny Piyama coming through singing a cheap knockoff of a

Bond song.

That's enough there, Sal.

Pierce Brosnan.

He's the guy, the guy with the clocks that fly.

He just clocked that guy.

Pierce Brosnan.

Pierce Brosnan.

Pierce.

Oh, oh.

Well done.

Yeah. Yo, Pierce, it was great having you on the show. Thank you, Clifford,

I mean, what can I say? I mean, doing your show has reinvigorated me. I feel

if there's nothing I couldn't do now. Really?

What about fire eating?

Sure. Why not?

What?

What? Oh.

Yo, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz,

Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz,

Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz,

Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz,

Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz, Riz,

Riz,

Not tasting.

Not tasting.

Not tasting. I'll get the cocktail for it. Thank you.