Original subtitles

Bobo turns, he fades, he shoots, oh, oh, it was close, but he steals the ball

back, he's got it again, and he shoots, and, oh,

he's so close!

What's up? I'm guest starring on the show tonight. Oh, okay, excuse me,

me, excuse me, and he turns, he shoots, oh, oh, boy, what a night, what a night.

Now, what can I do for you?

I'm guest starring on the show tonight.

Uh -huh, and your name, sir?

Uh, this is gonna be fun.

I'm the artist formerly known as Prince.

Ooh, and I'm the bear currently known as Not Amused.

Now, what would your name again, please?

My name has no sound. It's unpronounceable. Look, fella, this kind

business might have kept you out of the draft, but you ain't gonna fool me. Now,

how would your name appear on my list here?

Like this.

Ooh, okay, Dr. Rorschach, I'll play along.

I see my mother and a butterfly doing the mambo on an orange.

Just check the list, fool.

Pretty mouthy for a guy with no name.

Okay, let's see. We got Railroad Crossing.

That yin -yang sign. We got... Hey!

Hey, hey, hey! We'll... Boy, security in this place stinks.

Hit Muppet Tonight with our very special guest star, the artist formerly known

as Prince.

Yay!

If you're a human being, take a break from the race.

Take a load off your feet, wipe the look off your face. Got a lot to do, and we

do it for you.

Everybody take your place, but it's tonight.

Tonight's the night.

We got it sold for you.

I get so much fun.

Okay, everyone, listen up. The artist is on his way up the elevator.

In the elevator. Definitely in the elevator.

This is great, guys. Let's give him a big Muppet Tonight welcome. Okay, we got

five seconds. Five seconds. Definitely five seconds.

Rizzo, who is that guy?

That? Oh, that's the Purple Rain Man.

He's a big fan. Big fan. Definitely a big fan. I'm an excellent fan.

All right. All right. Get it, Riz. Yeah.

We get delirious.

What are y 'all doing?

We're doing delirious, man.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, we're your biggest fans.

Yeah. We got the whole show set up for an all -out. It is.

Savaganza. Yeah.

That's wonderful, but I ain't into this leather and lace look much anymore.

Oh, good. Because this bustier is killing me.

I'm normal, just like the next guy.

Cool.

Definitely normal. Definitely normal.

Sorry, guys. Hope I didn't disappoint you.

No, no, man. That's cool.

On this show, you can do whatever you want. Yeah, really.

Show the man to his dressing room. Oh, sure, boss.

By the way, Gonzo. Yeah. You are definitely working these pumps and

Oh, thank you.

Right this way.

Boy, I wish I'd known he'd change his look before I ruined this expensive pair

of leather pants.

What?

Okay, okay. Five, four, three, two, one. Hey, what's up, what's up?

Yeah, welcome to Muppet Tonight. Our guest tonight is one of my favorite

a multi -talented musician, an incredible performer, and the most

in show business right here.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. How many of these drawings of my mother are out

there?

Well,

to start off our show, Here's the saw bone of Dog Bones, our very own Dr. Phil

Van Newton with Tales from the Vet.

And now it's time for another episode of Tales from the Vet.

Hey, I heard you. There it's you, didn't I?

Yes, always.

I'm Dr. Phil.

You're... you're... Excuse me one moment. Malt, malt, malt, malt.

Malt. Malt. Malt's camera's upside down.

What? Well, then that must mean that... Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Oh, well, thank you, Mulch. You managed to put another hairline fracture in my

cranium. Oh, yeah? Well, just for that, Mulch, our carnival cruise

is canceled. And that Three Stooges convention is looking mighty iffy.

Anyway, anyway, where was I? Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Tonight, my numbing feature is Stephen King's Townhouse of Wax. By the way,

for Leona Helmsley in a pithy cameo as Edwina, the painting that would not die.

Ow, ow, ow, my head. Oh, I have to go to the nurse.

Mulch, roll the film.

of another great season of Tales from the Vets.

Oh, oh, whoops, whoops, whoops.

And, um, and I just wanted to say... All right, I'll say it. You're the best

crew I've ever had.

We're the only crew you ever had.

Oh, cut it out, Ed. Cut it out. By the way, everyone, go easy on this eggnog.

Pick a weapon, pull it out. Pick a weapon, pull it out. Hold it, hold it,

it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it. Hold it! Ooh, that's better.

Okay, ow!

God damn thing. Now, what was I... I forgot what I was going to say.

They never let me play in the little league, Ghostie. And I didn't sell

chocolate at Christmas time.

Miles! Miles, get that camera out of my face!

I have a platinum card, a platinum card, a platinum...

Did you get a video camera?

Take me, take me, take me.

There you are, Mulcey.

Mulcey, come here. Come here. Give me a big hug. Ow. Oh. Oh.

Well, I'm back from the nurse's station.

How about that townhouse of wax?

Pretty spine -chilling stuff, eh?

What?

You played what? You played Christmas Party 93?

Eggie noggy, eggie noggy. I have no idea what you're talking about. I wasn't

even at the Christmas party in 93.

No,

I was not.

Oh, all right, all right. I was young.

It was the eggnog decade.

I was just trying to fit in.

Give me that videotape. Give me that videotape right now.

Come back here and give me that videotape right now.

So?

Mm -hmm.

You're supposed to be pressing my pants. What are you doing over here? I'm

studying, Johnny.

Studying? Mm -hmm. Since when do you need a book to be a pants ironer?

No, no, no. This is a correspondence course. I'm learning to be an osteopath.

You know, a bone doctor.

Well, that's great, Sal.

But first of all, a bone doctor's called a boneyologist.

Second of all, you know I support you and all your...

Intellectual pursuits, but call me old -fashioned. I need my pant to perform on

stage. All right, Johnny. Thank you. Please.

Hey, but Johnny, first, let me adjust your back for you. I don't think so.

yeah. No, don't worry. Just relax. Just relax. It won't hurt. Just take a deep

breath. No. Hey, Johnny. Huh? How's your ma?

Oh, ma's good. I just talked... Oh!

Hey! Oh, yeah. There it is.

Oh, yeah.

Oh. Yes.

There you go.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, boy. Hey, that feels pretty good, Sal.

Really? Yeah.

Hey, I think I'll go lay down for a while. Okay.

Hey, Johnny. Yeah. The couch is over there.

Oh, when did you rearrange the furniture?

Oh, there you go.

There it is. Oh, boy.

Hey, everybody.

Here's some trivia.

Before was known as...

He was known as Prince, but before was known as Prince, he was unknown.

And like so many other unknowns, made his first TV appearance with us on a

we called Muppet Hoo -Ha.

Let's watch, shall we?

Oops.

Hey, Riz Bob. Hey, Bo Bob.

Do you know why bees go buzz?

Why, Bo Bob, why?

Because it's easier than going...

Say, boys, what'd you learn in school today?

Pi are squared.

Uh -uh, cornbread are square.

Pi are round.

Oh.

And fences are painful.

Hmm?

Oh.

Say, Jed.

Yes, Ned?

You got the ugliest dog I ever did see.

What do you call it?

Well, before we paint them brown and glue the ears on them, we call them

alligators. Ah -ha.

And now here's the hoo -ha -ha -ha -ha hayseed band

with a little pickin' and grinnin' for y 'all.

Climbin' up the mountain trail, natural as it can be, I can see bear tracks

comin' after me.

Excuse me, y 'all.

Excuse me, excuse me. That there song refers to bear tracks, right?

Yes, why?

Well, them ain't no bear tracks.

They ain't? Nuh -uh.

Them's gator tracks.

My neck.

Yo, Karen, what's wrong with your neck?

Oh, it's actually an old Muppet hoo -ha injury.

Ever since that sketch, I seem to have a stiff neck.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, did I hear you got a stiff neck?

Yeah. I can cure that. You know, I am trained in the fine art of osteopathy.

Since when?

Since I got this book.

Well, Sal, what happened to the book?

Oh, I broke its spine.

Anyway, let me show you the way that this works. Wait a second, Sal. No, no,

Just relax and take a deep breath. Sal, this really isn't necessary. No, no, no,

no, no, no.

Think of butterflies.

Butterflies? Yeah, yeah, butterflies, Kermit. Flying around.

Can you see them?

Well, yeah, I can.

Yeah, yeah. What color are they?

Oh, well, they're sort of orange and black.

There you go.

feel better. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm just going to go study the chapter

pop -up pelvises.

Kerm, you okay, Kerm?

You know what, Clifford? The truth is my neck actually feels better.

I told you!

The Big Mean Bubble Guy.

Hi, I'm Carl, and bubbles come out of my head.

Hey, hey, hey, that's my act.

Not anymore.

What?

Oh, it's big.

Hey, careful.

Excuse me, do you mind me asking what you're writing there?

I mean... I'm writing ideas for songs.

Really? That's cool.

Yeah, well, where do you get ideas for songs?

I can get them anywhere, even here.

Here? Right here in the commentary?

You must mean songs about food. You know, songs like, I want to hold your

Another one bites the crust.

Not if I kill you first. I'm serious, guys.

What? Yo, Seymour. Hmm? What's on the menu?

Well, we've got swordfish, eggs, and coffee.

Just pancake, maple syrup, and jam. Yeah. I could write a song about that.

out of here.

No, really, I can't.

I just need a better set.

It was 7 .45, we were all in line to teach a miscalculation.

First was Kevin, then came Lucy. Third in line was me.

All of us were ordinary compared to Cynthia Rose.

She always stood in back of the line, a smile beneath her nose.

Her favorite number was 20. And every single day, if you had what you had for

breakfast, this is what she'd say.

All together now.

And the thing is, video

war, prettiest jet, but different colors are.

Sometimes I wonder, the mates were in a lunchbox.

Me and Lucy opened it up when Stiffy was around.

Lucy cried, I almost died.

You know what we found, starfish and coffee, meat with a bad jam.

Out in the tangerine As I had all the hair If you set your mind free, baby

you'll understand Starfish and coffee Mixed with sub and jam

And they're singing All

together now And

they're singing

so you made a song from the breakfast menu, but I'll bet you five bucks you

can't do it again.

I'll take that bet.

Yo, Seymour. Yeah?

What's for dessert?

Raspberry sorbet.

Raspberry sorbet. Oh, no.

Kind you find in a second -hand store.

All right, all right. Here's your five bucks.

Got you.

Yeah. There you go, Gonzo. Good as new. I didn't even have to skip no pages,

neither. Oh, man, Sal, you are good. Thank you. But I think you forgot my

foot there.

What? Oh, sorry.

Could you just get that? Okay. Just a tweak. All right. Just relax. Just do

something nice. Yeah, think of a hen farm at hatching time.

Oh, yeah. Okay, you got it? Yeah, you thinking about it? Yeah.

The best 50 cents I ever spent. There you go. I've got to catch the bus. Could

you give me a little nudge? Oh, yeah, sure.

There you go. Thank you so much.

I'll see you next week, Sal. Okay.

So long, buddy. All righty.

Okay.

Hey, Sal.

What's going on? You still haven't ironed these pants.

Oh, sorry, Johnny. You know what?

I've had it up to here, Sal. Oh.

That would be your clavicle, Johnny.

I don't care what it is.

You're becoming a pain in the... Thoracic vertebrae?

All right, all right. Look, that's it.

No, no, no, Johnny. This is it. Right back here. Hey, hey, hey. All right,

Listen to me.

You're a gentleman's monkey.

Uh -huh. And your job is to fulfill my needs.

And right now, I need to get my pants ironed.

You're right, Johnny.

I'm sorry.

I guess I was just trying to be something I'm not.

Yeah, well, that's right.

You're not a bonyologist.

You're a pants ironer.

That's right, Johnny.

Not necessarily a pants... Pants ironer.

Right, Johnny.

I'm a pants ironer.

That's right. That's right. All right, pal.

All right.

Iron it up, pal. All right, I'll get right on it. Pants, pants, pants. Okay,

right. Iron, iron, iron.

Oh.

Yes? Special delivery for Thelma Nilla.

Oh, oh. Oh, thank you. You're welcome.

Oh, oh, thank you very much. Thank you. You're welcome.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. It's my pop -up book of acupuncture and

needlepoint.

Hey, my headache is gone.

But my chin is killing me.

Hey!

Hey, hold it there, buddy.

Nice to meet you. Gary Coinga.

Nice to meet you.

Listen, I just wanted to say that I've heard a lot of great things about you.

And even though I don't know who you are, I agree with all of it. You never

heard of me?

What, you've been living in a box for 40 years or something?

That's rich.

But seriously, it's been more like 41 years.

I was just wondering, would you ever consider working with a dummy?

I already have.

But in my business, they're called executives.

Yo, yo, yo.

Hey, we got a great idea for the final number. Listen, we go to a football

stadium with 5 ,000 white rats. Yes, yes, but get their, their dyed purple.

Hey,

how you doing?

Nice to meet you.

We form a living, dancing version of your symbol on the 50 -yard line. Yeah,

what do you think? Wait a minute, guys. My name has a very spiritual meaning to

me. All right, all right. So, so what do you want to do then?

I just want to go out on the stage, sit at the piano, do a nice little simple

number with the help of a few angels.

Angels? Now, where are we going to get angels this time of night?

Don't worry.

I got my own.

What?

Now, there's a man who comes prepared.

I'll say.

Hey, hey, we're still getting paid, right? Ah, pipe down, people.

Push or upset the angel.

There's angels?

And now I'd like to turn your heart to a tale of sheer delight.

A song of adulation, love and fear.

No one loved him better. No one better sacrificed.

She gave her angels that song.

Take a thumper, man.

Destiny, love.

Don't know where to go. They're

waiting

like an embryo.

She gave her angels that summer night.

That was lovely. Yeah, man, that was beautiful.

Thanks, fellas.

Yeah, you made me feel all warm and gooey inside. Like a nice brie. Say, are

hungry? Yeah, yeah.

Can we do another sweet, tender song like that?

I got a better idea.

What? Let's go crazy.

Let's go crazy.

little monkey's done it this time. He ruined my slacks over here.

What?

Oh, no. But what now?

All right, Bobo, this is the last one. You ready?

There we go.

Feeling any better there yet?

Well, I don't feel as itchy.

Good. That means it's working.

No, I think it means you skewered a few fleas.

How long until you, you know, take these things out?

Take what out?

The Needles.

I don't know. That book doesn't come till next week.

Sal. What?

Sal, I... What, what?

Sal, I'm gonna... Hey, hey, hey, take it easy. This is my first day.

Come here, you.

You, you, you, you little boonyologist.

I'll show you.

I'll show you.

Come here.

Come on.

And even though I don't know who you are, I agree with all of it. Can you

that up in the edit?

I want your back.

Where are you, Pepe?

I promise that nothing like that will ever happen again.

I couldn't do it.

It's a new dance.

Unbelievable. What?

How about Bavarian pretzel?