Original subtitles

Let me just say right off the bat that my client Martin Short is a huge fan of

the Moffat.

He's always talking about Moffat's, Moffat's this, Moffat's that, little

Moffat. That's Moffat's. He loves them too.

I'm particularly wild about that chubby pig.

She is the hoot. I don't like the green one though. He frightens me.

What's his name? That would be me.

Yes, I don't like... Fuck you.

Anyway, these are the requirements of my client. He needs a super huge deluxe

dressing room. He needs a catered kosher meal.

He's not Jewish, but he's just on a little bit of a kick. And $100 ,000 per

Uh,

Gonzo, what do we have in the budget for Mr. Short?

Well, let's see. We've got tap water, pretzel rods, and all the coins he can

find in the sofa.

You've got yourself a deal.

Oh, good.

It's Muppets Tonight with our special guest star, Martin Short.

Yay!

If you're a human being, take a break from the race. Take a load off your

wipe the look off your face. Got a lot to do, and we do it for you.

Everybody take your place.

Muppets Tonight.

We've got a show for you, guaranteed brand new.

Hang on the Muppet tonight.

Yeah!

We've got a show for you, guaranteed brand new.

Hang on the Muppet.

Welcome to Muppets Tonight, the show that puts the fab in fabulous, the

in marvelous, and the awe in awful.

No, no, no, no. Clipper, Clipper, that's awesome.

Thanks, Rizzo. You ain't so bad yourself.

Our special guest star tonight is Mr.

Martin Short.

Yeah. Give it up.

But first, here's our very own surgical soap opera.

It's time for another point. Endless episode of Barnyard Hospital Drama on E

-E -R -O -R.

The headphones connected to the... Hey, hey, hey. What's wrong with you? What

does it look like? I'm a lame duck. Go sit down. What'll that do?

Make you a sitting duck.

Whack. What'd you call me? Hey, take it easy. It's just a noise I make. Oh.

Incompetent fool.

What? Just another duck noise.

Well, congratulations, Mr. Rabbit. You're the proud father of...

Your husband survived the operation.

Unfortunately, we had to remove his nose. My nose?

He has no nose. Then how does it smell?

Terrible. Oh, what a looker.

That's what I get for going to an HMO.

And a girl.

And a boy.

Here's another girl. That's sweet. A boy. Oh, and one we can't tell.

Hi, Dad.

And a girl.

And a boy.

There's a minute of your life you can't have fact because you were watching E -I

-E -I -O -R.

Tune in next time when you'll hear Dr.

Fozzie say... Nurse, this patient should only pay one -fourth of his bill. Why's

that, Doctor?

Because he's a quarter horse.

Ah!

Johnny Fiamma's just arrived. Make way for the one, the only Johnny Fiamma.

out of the way, you!

All right, watch your step there, Ma.

Oh, be careful, huh? Hello, sir. I am selling chocolates so that my school can

buy new books. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Over my dead body, Johnny Fiamma buys one of them chocolates. Now get out of

here, you punk.

Johnny Fiamma coming through. Hey, hey, Sal, what'd you dropkick him for? He's

just a kid selling chocolates.

Yeah, right, Johnny, and I'm a monkey.

Okay, Johnny Fiamma coming through. Come on, Ma. How's your bad arm, all right?

Can I please have quiet, everyone?

Cue the Ed Grimley sketch.

Quiet! Get out of here!

Muppets Tonight is proud to present The Misadventures of Ed Grimley.

Ah, the doorbell. What fun.

Gee, I love the ring of a doorbell. Isn't it exciting?

Because you never know who's going to be there.

Could it be a murderer?

Or perhaps Il Postino himself.

Let's find out, shall we?

Telegram for Mr. Ed Grimley. Well, that's me, Lofty. Off you go.

Dear Edward, your great -uncle Balfour from Canada has departed his eternal

reward, leaving you the sum of $85 a month, eh?

Canadian, no less.

P .S. You won't get one red cent unless you've been married by 6 p .m. 6 p

.m.? Oh, give me a break. It's five to six now.

And I'm as single as singles can be, you know.

What to do?

Oh, the doorbell. Gee, I love the ring of a doorbell. There's always... Well,

I've covered that.

Hello. I am the young swinging bachelorette who just moved in upstairs.

Talk about luck.

What happened to you? I hope you wrote down the license plate.

A sense of humor. That's very good. Good on you.

I came to borrow a hammer.

Oh, a hammer. Oh, well, listen, I have lots of hammers. If I had a hammer...

Well, you just stay there, and I'll get you your hammer.

One minute to six. I got to work quick, I must say.

Well, here's one more reason to stay single.

Oh, lovely lady.

Lovely, lovely piggy lady.

Quick question before your hasty exit, lovely lady. What? Would you marry me?

Marry you? Are you nuts? I didn't even get the hammer.

Well, that seems sad.

Now I guess I don't inherit Uncle Balfour's fortune.

Did you say something about fortune?

Only if I marry before six.

Well, let's get this show on the road. Where's the preacher?

Well, fortunately, my goldfish, Moby, is a sea captain and can perform the

ceremony. Do you take him?

I'm going to.

Do you take her?

Surely. You're married.

All right!

Now, how much is that fortune you've inherited, husband dearest? Well, my

wifelet, how does $85 grab you?

What? I've got more than that on me. Hey!

Shh. All right. Now, how long will it take to get this thing an old? 20

20 minutes? Where's the long? Let's see you try to ride underwater.

What am I supposed to do for 20 minutes here?

Well... Lovely one, might I entice you with some tuna casserole and some

dancing? You can dance?

Can I dance?

One moment, please.

What? Where?

Oh, what am I at?

Oh, Ed Grimley sure is, uh, how do I say this? He's unusual.

He's, uh, different. He's, uh... Nuttier than a fruitcake. Yeah, that's it.

gentlemen. Thank you.

I'd like to do a little something that I think we all could use a little more

of. Two, three. What the world needs now is love, sweet

love. Hey, hey, hey. How about singing in the right tempo for a while? Who is

that?

Don't worry, Johnny. I got him. Come here, you creep.

What a smarty pants. Bring him up here, Sal.

Yeah, here he is. Here he is. Here's the guy.

Yeah, this is the guy. This is him. Wait a minute. Wait. This don't sound like

him. Yeah, yeah, he's just pretending. Come on, talk, you. All right, look,

look, look, look. I don't know if you're the right one or not.

But when I'm singing, you don't talk.

You understand?

All right, get out of here. Get him out of here. Go ahead.

Sorry, folks. Let's pick this up. Two, three.

What the world needs now.

Hey, where are you going? You come back here.

All right, hold it. Stop it back there.

Fellas, you know what, folks?

The throw of this tune is gone, and I don't even feel like singing anymore.

Listen, you've been a great audience. Good night, everybody.

Johnny Fiamma's finished singing. You all have been a great audience.

Oh, I'm exhausted.

All right, let's go heat up the sauce, Mama.

Johnny Fiamma coming through.

Mama's going to heat up the sauce.

Going to heat up the sauce.

Hey, hello again, and welcome to Swift Wits, the fastest game show on TV.

I'm your host, Nookie Blyer, and it's time for the championship round.

Unfortunately, we have no champions, because none of the chuckleheads who've

appeared on our show has ever gotten the correct answer.

So, today, I'm going to be the contestant, and Mr. Chester Tumwater

audience will give me the clue.

And I'll be playing for Magda, an adorable mole.

In the unlikely event that I don't get the answer, Magda will be eaten by Carl

the Big Mean Bunny. But if I win, and I will, then I don't have to host this

stupid show anymore.

Now, let's give the audience today's answer, which I will not hear.

The answer is artichoke.

Okay, Chester.

We have ten seconds. Give me the clues.

Chester?

Any time now, Chester.

Give me the clue, Chester.

We're running out of time here.

Chester, give me the clue.

What are you waiting for there?

It's my big chance to get off the show.

You're ruining me.

Chester, you idiot.

Why didn't you give me the clues?

Because my name's not Chester. It's Lester.

Shoot, I'd never answer to the name Chester.

That's a girl's name, son. Oh, I give up.

Eat them all.

Mr. Short. Hey, how's it going, okay?

Oh, it's going fine, yeah. I'm a little bit nervous about the big Fred Astaire

number at the end of the show. You know, I'm not really a dancer.

If you could just take me to the rehearsal room. No problem.

Certainly, sir. Rehearsal hall, that'll be on two.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Dance rehearsal is on seven.

Oh, no, no, no. The parking floor is being waxed today. It's on two.

No, no, no.

The wax machine is broken. Seven.

And I got a new machine, too.

I'm telling you, it's severed.

Hey, guys, have you seen Martin Short?

Great day in the morning.

Does anyone have a glass of water?

A little teeny one?

Wow, now he's Martin Extremely Short.

If you want my body and you think I'm sexy, come on, baby, sexy.

Oh, hi, Mr. Callahan. How you doing?

The usual?

No? Well, let me give you something a little different.

I call this my ice -blended JoJo. There you go.

You're going to love it.

Or maybe not.

What's that?

Clueless? Yeah, he's in the back. I'll call him.

Clueless! Yeah, Polly, what is it? Oh, oh, oh.

Thank you. Hi, Mr. Callahan.

Letter.

I like it.

Hey, Clueless. Yes? I hear you went into the manufacturing business.

Yes, that's right.

You must have made a mint.

Well, no. Actually, it was shoelaces. And they weren't mint. They were peanut

butter. Peanut butter shoelaces? Who would buy peanut butter shoelaces?

Well, the same people who buy jelly socks.

I'm supposed to laugh at that? You might.

Sing. All righty.

Oh, my papa.

To me he was so... Wonderful.

That was a real hit.

I'm not supposed to laugh at that.

Hey, welcome back to Muppets Tonight.

Martin Short is a little under the weather. Under the weather? It's more

he's under the couch.

Anywho, let's take a look at a TV show Marty made in 1963 when he was just a

child actor.

a show to co -star Kermit the Frog.

Let's watch, shall we?

It's time for Clippers, starring Kermit the Frog and introducing little Marty

Short as little Sandy Johnson.

Tonight's episode, there's a family boat mishap on the rocks.

Ribbit, ribbit, ribbit, ribbit, ribbit, ribbit.

Something's wrong?

What is it, boy?

A small ding. He crashed on the rocks on the north end of the island.

Bud, Bud, come quickly. I think Flipper's trying to tell us something.

What is it? I don't know, but Flipper seems pretty upset.

I'm awfully upset because you're not listening to me. Bud, maybe he wants

fish. Oh, no thanks, guys.

I brought my own lunch.

Here, Flippers.

It'll help you grow up to be a big, strong dolphin.

I'm not a dolphin. I'm a frog.

Hey, boys, I just heard on the radio there's trouble.

A boat on the North Shore. Some sort of family mishap on the rocks.

That's what I've been trying to tell these two.

What's that, Flippers? You want more fish?

No, no, no, no. Hey, I got an idea.

And Flipper can help.

Flippers, this is what you do. There's a boat at the South Bay Marina. I want

you to take a bus to the boat, untie it, and start that engine. And don't forget

to find the pump.

Wait a minute. I got a better idea.

Rent a plane, fly to the island, and find those people. But I already know

they are.

No, no, you've had enough fish.

Go, boy. Save those people.

Good grief.

No, Rizzo, wait a minute. Hey, hey, you!

Hey!

things happen to good guest stars. Hey, hey, don't worry, Chief. You know, Bobo

said he was going to get Martin Short back to his normal size.

Yeah, Bobo also said he could fix the toaster to work on nuclear power.

Hey, this toaster's delicious.

And it glows in the dark.

All righty. Have a good day, sir.

Well, the old plunger on the head trick works every time. So Marty's back to

normal? Hey, see for yourself.

Oh.

Dancer, oh, boy, I'm a dancer. Dance with me, dance with me, dance with me,

dance with me. I am a dancer.

I am a dancer.

Well, that's normal for Marty.

Come on, Reigns, we got a show to do. Right. And it's all about now, Mr.

Short, your big dance number.

When I think of all those grueling years of training, dancing, waxing your

body.

And no one cared.

Well, they're going to care tonight, baby.

I said no disturbances.

Johnny P. Hammer coming through. Johnny P. Hammer coming into Martin's short

dressing room.

Oh, hello, Marty. May I call you Marty? Sure, Johnny. Terrific. I'd like you to

meet my ma.

She's a very big fan of yours ever since you did that apocalypse now.

Come, come.

Yes.

Say gun, dear Lynn, say gun.

That's right, Ma.

Yeah,

what is it, Marty? It's not me. It's Martin Sheen she's thinking of.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Well, look, don't say nothing. That'll break her heart. She just got the video

disc.

I would love to talk, but, you know, I have pancake makeup on. Well, look,

Marty, my Ma made you a special sauce.

She wants you sure to eat. Go ahead, huh? I'm sorry. I really don't have the

time. Yeah, yeah. Well, look, Marty, when Mama says you eat, you eat.

You hear?

I think a rain check. Hey, you!

When Johnny says, when Mama says, you eat, you eat, you hear? You eat, you

I hear!

I eat!

Hey,

Johnny, he likes it. Hey, Ma, he likes it.

Well, good day.

It is time.

It is time now for politics and punditry from the eagle's nest.

Unfortunately, my only guests tonight are messers Andy and Randy Pig.

Messer, messer, messer, messer, messer, messer, messer, messer, messer.

What happened to Bob Novak?

He's sick.

I know that, but why isn't he here?

Oh, anyway, today's topic is the international peace accord signed this

Geneva. Will the piece of cord hold Andy Pig?

Let's see.

Oh. What are you doing?

Oh, I'm seeing if the piece of cord will hold Mr. Andy Pig, like you said.

That's not what I meant.

Hey, why don't we see if a piece of cord will hold Mr. Birdie? Yeah. Come on.

What are you doing?

No way. Stop.

I'm an endangered species.

Oh, great mother of mercy.

Hey, Mr. Bertie, what's the next topic?

It was arms control.

Oh, good, because I can't control my arms.

My arms are out of control, too.

Hey, can next week's topic be head control?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, why didn't I take the bowling troll they offered me?

Huh.

What?

Hey, hey, what the heck? What is going on in there?

Marty's still eating Mama's sauce. What's it to you, rat?

Don't talk tough to me, monkey.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Oh, yeah?

Yeah!

We're almost ready for the final number, Clifford. Where's Martin Stewart?

Oh, Nigel, cool down.

Rizzo went to check on him. Well, where's Rizzo?

In here.

I'll straighten this out. QQ the Two -Headed Comet.

The two -headed comic, where did he come from? Oh, we found him standing next to

the nuclear -powered toaster.

Thank you. Thank you. You're very kind.

Say, who was that lady I saw you with last night? That was no lady. That was

you.

Oh, sorry.

Here, have some toast.

Yo, Martin, we need you out on stage.

You're on in five... hundred pounds?

Wow, now he's Martin Short and Fat.

Man, what are we going to do now?

Don't worry, Clifford. I promise you a dance number, and a dance number I shall

perform.

Hey, what smells so good?

And now here he is, the all -singing, all -dancing Mr. Martin Short.

Yay!

That thing out with my baby.

Can't do wrong.

Goodbye, man.

For sure, not for maybe, that I'm all dressed up tonight.

Oh, good grief.

Does he look a tad heavier to you?

He's fine, tad.

About two tons.

And yes, I'd say he looks a tad heavier. Uh -oh.

For sure, not for maybe, that I'm all dressed up tonight.

I'm sailing to the line.

Number two, you're not getting all of them in shot. Pull back. Pull back. Pull

back.

Okay, that's far enough.

I'll get him up.

Yes. The big night will be tonight.

Slapping out with my baby.

Can't go wrong, could be so right.

Ask him when will the day be.

The big day will be tonight.

Piggy seems thin.

Ha! Come off it. He's not that big.

I heard that!

The big day may be too long.

Mama!

Now he's Martin Short and lying motionless in the basement.

Oh, well, that's okay. Everything's under control.

We need it for Clifford to come out and say his goodnight. Oh, we can't find

Clifford. What?

Somebody find him. Somebody get him out here right now. Somebody find him.

Whoa.

There he is. Oh, my gosh.

Well,

that's our show. How about a big round of applause for our big round guest

Mr. Martin Short.

Give it up.

Yo, Marty, Marty.

It was great having you on the show. Oh, thanks, Clifford. I felt like I grew as

an entertainer.

You look like you've grown as a land man.

Don't start with me, you.

Uh -oh.

Floor creaking.

Not good.

Then say good night.

Good night.

Good night, everybody.

Hey,

what's going on? There's a hole over here.

I would have only changed one thing.

What's that?

The channel.

Gentlemen,

do you know what the problem is these days?

They put this show back on the air?

No, it's the fact that the kids don't have a chance to fail.

In the old days, we had a little thing that you used to call a...

vaudeville. And if you couldn't spin a plate, you didn't eat.

Which is what I told the great Sophie Tucker in a song I wrote for her.

For the Broadway show entitled Wigwam Serenade.

Give me a seat. A bouncy seat.

Sophie Tucker was quite a girl. A red hot mama who could make a plate. twirl.

The kids today, they don't have a clue.

With those 9 -H nails and the band U2, my scrambled eggs were runny

today.

Da -da -da, dee -dee -dee, whatever the heck else you want to put in there.

Good idea.

I think I'll join you.

I love you, Ma. Join us again tomorrow night at 7 .30 when the wonderful world

of Disney presents Candle Shoes. And stay tuned as we get on the bus to a

dimension so weird.

Next on the Disney Channel.

Oh, my arm is shot on that thing. Sorry there, Mr. Piyama.

Stupid monkey.

I got gas.

Oh, good.

Lovely, lovely, lovely frog.

So the pond has not been cleaned.