Original subtitles

Hey there, Stan.

Hey, Kermit. Oh, hey, Clifford. How's it going? Hey, Kerm, my main frog.

Man, things couldn't be better. We got Whoopi Goldberg guest starring. We got

Miss Piggy coming in to do the closing number with her, and it's going to be a

great show. One of the best. What could possibly go wrong?

Oh, man, you had to say that.

Whoop, whoop, here it comes. Hey, Clifford, you got a phone call.

Whoop, there it is. It's Miss Piggy.

Oh, man, I knew it. Oh, I'm sure it's nothing, Clifford. I got to hop. Bye

Hey, Joe.

Yeah,

Piggy, what's up? Hello, Cliffy.

I'm on a plane.

I'm returning from a mall opening at the South Pole.

Say what?

Oh, don't worry.

I'll be there sooner or later.

What do you mean, sooner or later? You got to be here for the closing number.

Oh, Cliffy, just throw some bars. out animals on stage until I'm there. You

know, some of that chicken schtick.

I'm just running a bit late.

But you can't be late for the closing number, Piggy. After the closing number,

the show's over. That's why they call it the closing number.

Details, details.

All right, Piggy, if you want to be there on time, have a limo waiting at

airport. A limo?

Please deposit $650 for the next three minutes.

Reverse the charges.

Little souls are lost without me.

Let's see, how do I get this seat down?

It's Muppets Tonight with our very special guest star, Whoopi Goldberg.

Whoopi! If you're a human being, take

a break from the race. Take a load off your feet, watch the look off your face.

Got a lot to do, and we do it for you.

Everybody take your place.

We got him.

Let's say hi to the band, shall we?

Hi, band.

Yeah, hi.

Oh, look at that. They're in a chatty mood.

Anywho, tonight we're going to break some new ground.

Okay.

So, let's welcome this week's guest, shall we?

She's an Academy Award -winning actress and comedian extraordinaire, Miss Whoop.

Listen, it's great to have you here. It's good to be here, Clifford. You

you and I have something in common. What's that?

We both collect antiques. Ah.

There, a match set.

You know, there's something else we both have in common, Clifford. We're both

huge fans of Miss Piggy's. No, that's something you and Miss Piggy have in

common. Oh, Clifford, one more small fact you may not know. Word. Piggy and

appeared on television once before, before we were famous.

Get out of here. No, for real.

I brought a clip.

Let's watch, shall we? Do we have to?

Yes.

Welcome to People's Court. I'm your host, Bug Llewellyn.

Today we present the case of the Pointless Pigtail. And now here comes

plaintiff, Miss Goldie Woodburn.

Now here comes our defendant, Miss Piggy.

I hope you both lose.

All rise.

The Honorable Judge Wapner presiding.

You may be seated.

Thank you, Rusty.

I know you've been sworn. I have read your complaint.

As far as I'm concerned, you're both a little nutty.

But at any rate, Miss Wapner, let me hear from you first, please. Well,

I'm a young, struggling actress, and my hair is very important to my livelihood.

And I was... Just take it, please.

Oh, yeah, well, like, I was the only one falling asleep from boredom.

May I continue?

Please.

I went to this person who describes herself as a hairdresser, and I asked

one pigtail, Judge.

One pigtail. And look at what she did to me. Look, lady, my profit comes from

volume. I can't... just do one big deal? Well, you should have said that,

because I don't like what you did to my hair. Look what you did to it.

Quiet, quiet, quiet.

I'll hold you both in contempt.

Attica, Attica, Attica, Attica.

All right, I've heard enough evidence.

Now I'm going to render a decision.

Now, Miss Woodburg, I think she did a pretty good job.

See? You really think so?

Yes, I wouldn't be surprised if a famous director contacted you. You mean like

Steven Spielberg? Exactly.

I bet I could play like a psychic who talked to the ghost of... Young Pat

Swayze. Pat Swayze? Yeah, he's cute.

You'll probably win an Oscar.

You could host the Oscars, too.

I like that.

All right, all right, fine. I'll play along.

How about this?

I'm going to be a glamour star of stage, screen, television, and movies.

30 days for aggravated arrogance.

Next page.

Thanks, Piggy. You know, maybe someday we can work together. You know, maybe do

a big musical number of some sort. Why? Get your hands off me, Dusty. And

now another episode from the files of Fairyland B .D.

Tonight, Goldie Lockup.

Yo, T.

Huh? What you got for us? Some broad named Lox.

Goldie Lox. She's barricaded in the Three Bears house, and she's got

What kind of demands?

Well, they keep changing.

One time, the porridge is too hot. Then it's too cold.

Then the bed's too hard. The bed's too soft. You know how it is with dames.

Typical.

We'll take care of this, Chief. Oh, good, because I want to get over to

World before they run out of those cream -filled Betty cakes.

Come on!

Lay down.

Yeah. Take it easy, Al.

No, thanks.

Let's go through the window. All right.

Ready? Yeah.

Okay. Come out with your hands up, lady.

Oh, boy.

Boy, this is going to be tougher than we thought.

Yeah. I think this calls for a little undercover work.

Yeah.

Oh, no, Bobo. She'll never fall for that cheap disguise.

Oh, we'll see.

Yoo -hoo, Miss Lox.

Say, uh, you're not the bear that was here before.

You're a completely different bear.

That's right.

I'll be right back.

I told you, I told you, you, I told you, you said it.

Oh, Yoo -hoo, a completely different bear.

Yeah?

I told you, I told you, I told you.

Well, there's no way we're going to get her out of there. Hey, look what I got,

guys.

Cream -filled Betty Cakes? Uh -huh. Hey, uh, did someone say Betty Cakes?

Hey, you're under arrest.

Yeah, yeah, shut up and give me a Betty Cake.

All right, uh, get ready to cue Carl the Big Mean, uh, uh, uh, what is it, what

is it tonight? Oh, it's a ventriloquist.

Oh, that's right. Cue Carl the Big Mean Vendriloquist. Cue him now. Go, go.

And now it's time for Carl the Big Mean Vendriloquist.

Oh, hi. I'm Carl.

Okay, okay. So, dummy, what's a Grecian urn?

I ain't answering your stupid question.

I said, what's a Grecian urn?

And I said, I ain't talking, see?

Oh, yeah?

Well, then I'm going to bite your head off.

Shoot the scenery, man.

Yo, yo, yo, Rizzo, what's the 411 on Miss Piggy?

Uh, well, actually, it's more like a 911.

What do you mean?

Well, you see, there's only two guys I could spare to pick Piggy up at the

airport. Oh, no, Rizzo, you didn't sin. I did sin.

Please don't bite my head off.

You're it! You're it!

You're it!

Stop it!

Hey, that was fun, Aunt Piggy.

Yeah, let's do it again.

All right, now, boys, why don't we all just... At the back, okay? And watch the

show until we get to the studio. Here.

Yeah.

Okay? Now, just relax.

Okay, I'm relaxed. Me too.

You're it!

You're it! You're it!

You're it!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Brothers and sisters, lend an ear to the righteous sounds of Whoopi Goldberg and

the Reggae Rodents. Ma. Excuse me. What kind of an accent was that supposed to

be? Jamaican.

Yeah, Jamaican a fool of yourself.

Yo, Riz, come here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What? What was that supposed to be?

That's reggae. Look, reggae has got to have a little attitude to it. Well, we

got attitude.

Yeah, you want to make something out of it? That kind of attitude?

You got to slow down.

You got to find your groove and take your time.

Ah, slow down.

You got it now?

Yeah. All right, let's hear it.

That's good.

All right, now let's take it from the top, okay? Yeah.

And two, three, a one, two, three, four.

Oh,

Riz, Riz, Whoopi's going to kill us if Miss Piggy's not back here for the

musical number.

Well, Clifford, the way I see it, we got two choices.

One, we could panic like this.

What's our other choice?

Well, I got a whole bunch of people waiting to impersonate Miss Piggy in the

final number.

Impersonate us, huh? Well, bring them in.

All right.

First on the list, we got Bill the Bubble Guy.

Hi, I'm Miss Piggy.

Bubbles come out of moi's head.

I don't usually do this, but I'd like to sing a little song I call Moi's Way.

Frankie?

Hey, you crazy kooky chick.

You... All right, hold it.

Sal, this is the stupidest idea you have ever had. I am not playing a pig.

Johnny Fiamma's leaving the building doesn't like my stupid idea.

He ain't playing no pig.

I'm Piggy. I'm Piggy. We're two of a kind. I'm a little bit piggy.

And I've got a pig behind.

See what he did? He said pig behind instead of big behind. Yes.

Oh, man, this is pathetic.

Knock, knock, Miss Piggy. Who's there, Miss Piggy? Miss Piggy. Miss Piggy who?

Okay, we haven't got this part yet, okay, but we're working on it. Yeah,

So, Rizzo, when do you think we're going to know if we've got the job?

Never. You will never know that.

Max! What are you trying to say, okay? I said next. Yes, but what are you trying

to say? I'm not going to say it again. What is your point, okay?

Pepe, don't let him talk to you this way, okay?

Man, what did you do to me? Come here, you rat!

This is the last time I'm going to tell you.

Sing the song slowly.

You got me?

Oh, you mean like this?

Possible! You rat!

Gee whiz! What's wrong with Goldilocks?

Yeah, she's so upset.

She's got to slow down, find the groove, take her time.

Yeah, maybe somebody should tell her everything's going to be all right.

She's killing them out there. My baby.

We may not even need Miss Piggy for the final number. I just hope Miss Piggy

doesn't figure that out.

Oh, Whoopi's doing great.

She's killing out there. They may not even need me for the final number. Oh, I

just hope Clifford doesn't figure that out. Hey, hey, the studio's only three

blocks from the airport. What's taking so long?

Well, we took a shortcut.

Hey, hey, hey.

We're in the desert.

Don't tell me we're lost.

Okay, we won't tell you. Yeah.

You're lost.

And you might be lunch.

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.

Welcome back to Muppets Tonight. And now for a special treat, here's Giganticus,

the world's largest performance artist singing.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Bad news, Clifford, bad news. What's that?

Giganticus just got beaten up by Super Giganticus. Well, what about his suit?

paid a fortune for that. Oh, don't worry. Kermit's going to fill in for

This I gotta see.

You may find yourself living in a shotgun shack.

And you may find yourself in another part of the world.

And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile.

And you may find yourself... In a beautiful house.

With a beautiful wife.

And you may ask yourself, well, how did I get here?

Letting the days go by.

Letting the water hold me down. Letting the days go by.

Water flowing underground.

End of the blue again.

After the money's gone.

Once in a lifetime.

Water flowing underground.

And you may ask yourself, how do I work this?

You may ask yourself, where is that large automobile?

And you may tell yourself, this is not my beautiful house.

And you may tell yourself, this is not my beautiful life.

Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down. Letting the days go by,

water flowing underground.

Into the blue again, after the money's gone.

Once in a lifetime, water flowing underground. Same as it ever was.

Same as it ever was.

Same as it ever was.

Same as it ever was.

Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Yeah.

Terrible.

Nice job, Kermit. Thank you. Nice job, Kermit. Thank you. Nice job, Kermit.

Thank you.

Man, that was weird.

Oh, bad news, Chief. Miss Piggy is still not here. Oh, man, what are we going to

do?

Oh, I don't know, and I can't concentrate with all those people

Whoopi.

Hey, hey, that gives me an idea.

Yeah, yeah, I think I'm with you. Yeah, let's put on Bill the Bubble Guy.

They'll love that.

Say what?

Hey, hey, guys, I was checking out my car, and I found a little something. I

thought I might go out on stage and, you know, just warm up the crowd till Miss

Piggy gets here. Oh, that's a great idea, Whoopi. Yeah, but be careful.

a tough bunch out there. Oh, I'll take my chances.

Wish me luck, guys. Good luck.

Thanks.

Now, there goes a brave woman.

Hi, I'm Whoopi Goldberg, and ladies and gentlemen, it's time to dish music.

You know my favorite group are the platters and the spinners.

Man, she is good.

They love her. Yeah, and the material is so fresh. Yeah.

How am I doing, guys? You're doing great. Yeah, yeah. This is new.

Just wait till you see this.

You know, people say they don't understand my act.

But to me, it's crystal clear.

My mom always said men don't make passes at girls who play glasses.

I learned this song from Philip Glass.

Get it?

Philip Glass?

Hey, what was that last line?

Fill up glass.

Well, she is a genius. Look what she's doing now.

Look, I'm running rings around myself.

Rings around herself. She's

brilliant. Oh, come on, Father. You're funny, too.

Really? Oh, I hope she does karaoke next. That stuff just kills me. Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, I will now do something never before performed by any

human being.

I will fly.

Excuse me, Whoopi, but you have a phone call over there. It's Miss Piggy. Oh,

cover me.

But I... Ladies and gentlemen, I will now do something never

before performed by any rat.

I will fly.

Here you go, Whoop. Oh, thanks.

Yeah, Piggy, what's up?

Whoopie, sweetie, now don't you panic.

You've done the very best job you can to save this show, but failure is no

shame, dear.

That's sweet of you to say, Miss Piggy, but, you know, the audience really seems

to like me, so there's really no need for you to even hurry back.

I'll just do the final number all by myself.

You what?

What? I'm losing you. I've got to get back to stage now. I'm flying, you know.

She's gone.

You stole my act.

You can have it back.

So, she's going to do the final number by herself, huh?

Well, we'll see about that.

It's pedal to the metal time, boys.

And now, Muppets Tonight proudly presents the moment you've all been

for, tonight's big musical number featuring none other than Miss Whoopi

Goldberg.

Unducted rendezvous makes the maiden's heart beat quicker.

But when a rendezvous is through, these stones still keep

their flicker.

A kiss on the hand might be quite confidential, but diamonds are a

girl's best friend.

A kiss may be grand, but it won't... pay the rental on your humble flats.

I have your auto -mat.

Quack, quack.

Men grow old as girls grow old. But we

all... Watch out!

Watch out! Watch out! Don't lose that, baby.

That's all the girls' best friends.

Yeah, yeah. This is my number, and there's no way you're taking it from me.

but piggy.

Piggy.

I don't want to take this number away from you. I wanted to perform with the

world's greatest living female performer.

Well, if you put it that way.

Yes, try said.

What? I'm just kidding. Come on. Let's show them what we got.

All right.

Yes. There may come a time when a lass needs a lawyer.

But diamonds are the girl's best friend. Let me tell you about it.

There may come a time.

Hard -boiled employer thinks you're awful nice.

But get that ice, or hell's no dice.

Time rolls on, and you is gone, and you can't straighten up when you've

been... Help!

Sit back or sit me. You stand straight at... No,

darling, Harry Winston.

Oh, sorry.

Die!

It's helped me many, many times, and I owe it all to you.

Of course you do, dear.

Say goodnight. I've got a plane to catch. Goodnight.

We'll drive you to the airport, Aunt Piggy.

Oh, no!

A walk!

Good night, everybody.

Good night.

I'm glad

that show's over.

I've been complaining about him for years.

Nobody does anything about him. That's a really interesting book you're reading.

The audio version of that book is really entertaining, too.

I did it myself, on tape, I mean. We wanted Buddy Hackett to do it, but he

too expensive.

Would you like me to autograph that book for you?

Shall I make it out to Babe?

There's a wonderful part in that book for you. Space Captain Pig, I think.

There's a lot of crying, a lot of screaming.

I'd like to send you a little number that I call Mars... Not Marsway. No, no,

moi. Moi.

Hey, hey, watch it, watch it. He knows what he's doing.

Right, Johnny?

You're right, kid.

You people better get your cameras right.

That's right.

Come on, y 'all, just get out, okay? We don't have all day.

Who are you talking to? Listen, I'll pay your check. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey.