Original subtitles

Oh, God, I tell you, going through this whole yearbook is great, isn't it? It

sure is. What a bunch of weirdos and geeks we used to hang out with. Yeah,

remember that freaky little guy that the frat guys used to tie to the back of a

car and drag him all around the campus by his nose?

That was me.

Yeah, yeah.

Terrible what they put you through there.

Are you kidding?

Those were the best days of my life. You want to see the tire marks?

Hey,

the old trailer club.

You remember that musical we wrote?

You mean Bats? How could I forget?

I wonder why that never got produced.

Maybe because nobody wanted to see a musical about blind flying rodents

bad poetry.

Yeah, that could be something.

But hey!

We're the Muppets. Doing a bizarre musical number that no one wants to see

what we're all about.

Okay, let's do that for the final number.

Yeah, let's do it.

Oh,

hi there, Jason. I see you've met Gonzo.

Met him? Oh, Gonzo and I used to go to school together.

Yeah, you want to hear our school fight song?

Oh, well, no, not really. Yeah, here we go.

Give a cheer, give a shout. Tell them what we're all about.

We're the team that's going to rule.

We're from South Bay Regional Polytechnic Institute for the Performing

Industrial Arts Night School. Downtown campus has seen the most of Richard

Yay!

Gee,

did your team win a lot of games?

No.

No. Now, by the time we were done cheering, they had usually called the

account of darkness.

It's Muppets Tonight with our very special guest star, Jason Alexander.

Yay!

Take a break from the race.

Take a load off your feet.

Got a lot to do.

And we do it for you.

Everybody take your place. We got a show

for you.

Guaranteed brand new.

Welcome to Muppets Tonight.

Let's see what's shaking with the band.

Yo, Giles, I heard you had a gig this weekend.

I don't understand what he says either.

Anywho, our guest tonight is Jason Alexander.

Yeah, but before we get to Jason, here's something for all you eggheads in the

audience. Excellent.

Now, there you go with the same old jokes.

Well, you told me to come out of my shell.

with a classical music interlude.

This

goes

off to a fast start.

Good, maybe it'll end quicker.

And now another episode from the files of Fairyland PD. Tonight, the big crack

-out.

He's gonna...

Careful, he's got a spatula.

Don't try to stop me.

All right.

Stand back, please.

Stand back, please.

Excuse me. So, Chief, what we got?

Well, we got a big egg named Humpty Dumpty, and he's threatening to jump.

I've had a little experience in this. Let me handle it. All right.

Listen, fella.

Life isn't so bad.

What do you know?

Desperate. Okay.

Just...

think back to the happy times when you were a kid.

Those school days.

School days.

Dear old golden school days.

I guess he wasn't too

popular in school.

Well, I'm going to let you boys mop this up.

Thanks a lot, Chief.

Nice.

Well, it's definitely too late for all the king's horses and all the king's

Have you got any ideas what we should do?

Say, uh... We still got that hot plate and skillet in the trunk?

You would.

Well, you chop up the onions and peppers and I would.

It's a deal.

Well, all right.

My cholesterol's gonna go through the roof.

But what the hay?

You only live once.

Oh, boy, Gonzo, I gotta tell you, I am so excited. We're finally getting to do

our musical. Yeah, bats.

It's all coming together. The sets are terrific. The costumes are great. Oh,

yeah, and wait till you see the bat background thingers.

A very important element.

Come on, ladies, get in here.

Show them what you got.

Give it to them.

Yeah. Terrific, ladies.

Really, really, really terrific.

Beautiful. Gonzo, can I talk to you for a second? Sure, sure. What is it, Jason?

What are you, nuts, huh?

Well, Jason, don't worry. When they get the costumes on, it'll sell that bat

thing you've been wanting to go for. It's not about selling. It's not about

costumes. It's about emotions. It's about character.

It's about time you went on stage there, Jason. Oh, yeah. Thanks, Gonzo.

Gonzo. We need professionals. We need artists.

I'm counting on you.

You're the man.

Whew. Well, you've never been the man before.

Hey, girls, he loved you. Don't change a thing.

That's it. Shoot, shoot.

And now, Muppet Masterpiece Mystery Movie presents Jason Alexander as

Poirot in Murder on the Disoriented Express.

I've been mitarized. Oh, no. Oh, my goodness. Someone has killed Mr.

Poodlepants. Well, I'm not really hurt, you know. I mean, this is a family show.

They wouldn't really... You're ruining the scene now. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. It's

murder. What do we do?

There's only one detective who could solve this crime, and he's on board our

train, folks. Ladies and gentlemen, I present Mr.

Hercules Poirot.

Everybody, please take your seats.

Nobody move.

Please.

That's nothing to... And by the way, it is not

Hercules. It is Hercule.

Now, I would like to begin my investigation by asking a few questions.

Oh, I have a question there, Hercules.

Are you going to use your super strength to lift up the train and shake out the

clues?

Now, listen carefully.

You are thinking of... Hercules, an ancient demigod from Greek mythology.

I am Hercule Poirot, a fictional Belgian detective.

But how do you hide your rippling muscles under that puny little

I do not think it is possible to overemphasize what I am about to say.

I am not Hercules. Oh, I get it. He's walking undercover.

Don't get him mad. He'll rip up the train tracks and tie them around your

Yes, I might.

If I was Hercules, which I am not.

Well, if I may proceed with my investigation.

Yes, yes, yes. Please, everyone, let him proceed with his investigation.

Ah, merci, merci.

At last, someone with a little intelligence.

What are you going to do first? Fly around the Earth backwards so you can

reverse time and discover who really did it?

All right, first of all, I am not... Hercules.

Second of all, you are thinking of Superman and not Hercules.

And third of all, you cannot reverse time by flying backwards around the

I myself had a little problem with the logic in that part of the film.

Jason, please, you're breaking character.

I'm breaking character?

You're supposed to be dead.

This clown thinks I'm Superman and the rest of these chuckleheads think I'm

Hercules. All right, that's it. I've had it. You people are not professionals.

You are not artists.

If you want to see what great theater is really all about, watch my finale.

In the meantime, I am out of here.

I guess he's not as powerful as a locomotive.

Okay, nice job, team. Somebody tell Miss Piggy she's up next.

Can somebody fetch me a stirring rod for my iced mocha, please?

Sure.

Would you get out of here?

I couldn't have done that myself.

Two pigs in space. Go, go, go.

Once again, it's time for Pigs in Space.

Deep Dish 9, the next generation of Pigs in Space!

Captain Logue, exploring the third galaxy.

Stardate Chewie.

Starfigs, nutty but moist.

Starfroon, sweet and wrinkled.

Starfish... I will not get off!

I want to introduce the newest member of our crew, the latest in supercomputers,

the Al 1995 Postax. I will now test our computer's capabilities.

Al, what is a O2 plus 2? One moment.

Calculating.

Calculating? Al?

Al?

Al?

I'm sorry, but by plus, did you mean...

Make bigger?

Oh, brother.

Captain, we're being boarded by space pirates led by the infamous Princess

Vendela. No, not Princess Vendela. She's hideous, fat, dumpy, and self

-deluded. The sight of this monster princess is so grotesque, you may lose

appetite for food and drink.

and I'll make you my personal slave.

All right.

This is still my ship in Doula. I want you off it, little miss, miss, miss,

miss, miss, miss.

Help me, boys.

Perfection. Pretty. Gorgeous.

It's not the road I was going down.

To be a personal slave.

Four.

What? Two plus two is four.

Oh, now I'm warmed up. Give me another one.

I'll give you one. Oh, nice pumps.

Oh, thank you.

Join us again for another slice of outer space adventure on Deep Dish 9, the

next generation of...

Oh, that's a nice color there. Why don't you slap it around on the set a little

bit? Thanks, Madeline. Gonzo. Gonzo. I got to tell you, I'm having a real

problem with this 10 billion gigawatt laser cannon you want to add to the

number? Oh, don't worry. I took it out. Oh, good. And replaced it with this 15

billion gigawatt laser cannon.

Gonzo, you're doing it again. This is exactly what we used to fight about in

school. You always wanted to take art and ruin it with gratuitous special

effects. Thank you.

Look, I am not letting you do this to the final number. It's just like you to

take something classy and high -minded and leave it that way.

We've had this argument a million times. Theater is about emotion. It's about

actors conveying that emotion to the audience.

And what better way to convey that emotion than with lasers, explosions,

giant robotic glow -in -the -dark insects?

This is exactly what you did in school. Remember that production of Death of a

Salesman you ruined? Well, if you're referring to my production of Death of a

Transdimensional Giant Mutant Cyborg Salesman, that show was a hit. And it

Pulitzer Prize.

It did not win a Pulitzer Prize. Well, my mother liked it. It had no hope. Yes,

it did. It had four hearts. One for each head.

They're impossible.

Hey, hey, hey, fellas.

Listen, how's the closing number coming?

Well, we're having creative differences.

Yeah, yeah, I'm creative and he's different.

I'm different?

All right, that does it. I am never working with you again, you blue, big

freak.

Don't try to sweet -talk me. I'm not working with you either.

That was a dramatic musical sting.

Thank you.

If you want my body and you think I'm sexy... Oh, hi, Mr. Callahan. How you

doing? The usual, huh?

No? Well, let me see what else I got here. Oh, oh, try this.

How about that, huh?

Huh? Huh? Isn't that good?

What's wrong, Mr. Callahan?

Oh.

Here, I'll fix it.

Feel better?

What's that?

Oh, yeah, yeah, Clueless is in the back. I'll call him out.

Clueless! Yeah, Polly, what is it?

Oh, my!

Thank you. Hi, Polly. Hey, Mr. Callahan.

Ooh, silver lip gloss?

I like it.

Hey, Clueless, I see your recycling can.

They say it's good for the environment.

What environment? It's my lunch.

I love canned food.

What's funny? Just sing, Clueless. All right.

Paul?

Ta -ra -ra -boom -de -ay.

Ta -ra -ra -boom -de -ay. Ta -ra -ra -boom -de -ay.

Hey, Clueless, looks like you broke your ta -ra -ra.

Dead smart.

Welcome back to Puppets Tonight.

Since Jason Alexander is still refusing to come out of his dressing room, let's

take a trip back to the late 70s, where he was the nation's number one disco

sensation. Here is his television debut on a little show called Muppet

Bandstand. Let's watch, shall we?

Okay, wasn't that great, huh? That was. I flipped my disco and I can't get down

by these village idiots.

disco queen, Miss Piggy, with her new partner, Jason Alexander -Boy.

Okay. So, so, tell me there, Miss Piggy, how did you catch disco fever, huh?

Well, Kermit, it's not so much disco fever as swine flu.

You'll be dancing on crutches.

So how about you there, Jason?

When did you learn to dance, huh? Kermit, I learned to dance at the South

Regional Polytechnic Institute of Performing and Industrial Arts Night

Want to hear our fight song? No.

The show's only an hour long.

Well, let's see you two get down and...

back home you'd like to say hi to.

Yeah, I'd love to. Just a minute. Just a minute.

Wet.

My beautiful blonde hair.

I'm ruined.

I'm just a short, neurotic, bald guy with a New York accent.

What can I do now? Where will I possibly fit in?

A sitcom?

Get real.

That last number was a real showstopper.

Too bad it didn't stop this show.

And now, it's time for another exciting episode of Thor, God of Thunder.

Tonight, Thor gets a library card.

May I help you?

I desire these books.

May I see your library card?

I have no library card for I am Thor.

Sorry, Mr. Thor, but you need a library card to take out those books.

Now, what I need at this point is some information. A driver's license, a

security card, a gym membership.

I have no need for any of those things, for I am a god.

Perhaps you could give me a character reference?

Get thee ready to rumble!

My horns!

Now you've done it, Zeus!

My mythological buttocks! Oh, I hate Mondays.

Join us next week when Thor gets his cable hooked up in another exciting

adventure of Thor, God of Thunder!

Very good. I really felt like we were going moment to moment there. Oh,

absolutely. Your motivation was brilliant. Oh, and the lighting was

Yes, wonderful. Very good. Okay, okay.

Thor, Zeus, nice work. Now, can somebody sweep up Ernest so that we can get to

the closing number?

Okay, thank you, Nigel. Oh, you have our eight by tens, don't you? Oh, you know,

you stepped on my line. Oh, I did not. This is bad. This is bad.

We've got to get Jason and Gonzo back together. We won't have a closing

Well, there's really only one fair and honest thing to do.

Trick him? You got it.

Yes, there he is. Joe Gunn, how's things going?

Fine. Things are going just fine.

Because I'm not working with Jason Alexander, and there's nothing you can

trick me into it.

I don't want to trick you, man. I just want to ask you a question.

What number am I thinking of?

2 ,346 ,822.

Whoa, man, that's it. And that means you get to do the final closing number with

Jason. Wow. I do? Well, that's the rules.

Oh, well, then I better go get ready then.

Man, that was way easy.

Let's try it on Jason, shall we?

Forget it, Clifford. There is no way that you're going to trick me into

with Gonzo. And don't try that guess -which -number -I'm -thinking -of

on me.

12 ,006?

It was three.

Three?

Hey, shall we go with the backup plan? Yeah, yeah, do it. Okay, all right.

Listen, Jason, we'll leave you alone. And just think about it. And listen to

your conscience. Yeah, your conscience.

Come on, come on, come on. Well, that's what I am doing.

My conscience is telling me not to work with people who resort to cheesy special

effects.

Oh.

I am your good conscience.

And I think you should do the closing number with console.

And I am your bad conscience.

And I also think you should do the closing number with Gonzo.

Yes, and we usually never agree, okay?

Yes. Guys, that's enough. Would you get off of me? But we haven't done our song

yet. Yeah.

I'm bad conscience. I'm good conscience. We're two of a kind.

I think you should do the closing number. And I also think so, too.

Um, where we're...

Working on the lyrics, okay? All right. Yeah. Listen, guys, I have to tell you,

normally, as a matter of principle, I would not do this number. But I'm going

do it if only they get this stupid elephant off of my back.

Does that mean I can stay?

No. Sit.

All right, Alexander.

You're a man of the theater, and the show must go on.

Yes, sir.

Ladies and gentlemen, Muppets Tonight is proud to present Jason Alexander and

Gonzo the Great performing a medley from their original musical, Bat.

In the darkness of caves, there's a creature you've heard that's partially

rodent and partially bird. We fly through the night with our faces like

We misunderstood maligned creatures called bats.

Considered disgusting when seen, people flee. But a bat is no different than

those such as thee. We're all flying blind in dark lives filled with dread.

Eating insects, sleeping upside down, dropping guano on your head.

Guano?

It's kind of like a metaphor.

Jason, you're losing him. Let's try it my way. Music!

That's the way I like it.

That's the way I like it.

Time for a bat, that's the right time to get in all

his flight time and to catch...

Jason,

Jason, you're dying out here. Let me handle this.

effects that really made bats fly.

Oh, no, no, no. It was your heartfelt delivery that gave it an emotional arc.

See, you always do this to me. I try to be generous to you, and then you turn it

all around on me. Don't be ridiculous. It was your heartfelt delivery.

No, no, no. It was the special effects. I just said it's the special effects

that made the whole thing work. Good night, everybody.

with a classical music interlude.

One more time.

Come on, I'm so sorry.

Come on, come on back. I'm so sorry. No, we understand.

Come on.

Come on, come on. We got some food over here for you. I'm so sorry. Come on,

it's all right. I got rid of them. No, you don't. Let me tell you. Normally, as

a matter of principle, I would not do this number. But I am going to do it.

for no other reason but to get this stupid off.

Stupid off. Stupid off.

Hey, guess what? What? You made a boo -boo like I did.