Original subtitles

He told me ice cubes are just made of water.

Yo, yo, yo, yo, Andy, Randy, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. Listen, listen, I got a

job for you two.

How would you like to work the telephones? It'll be fun. What's a

What's fun?

It's simple. Just go behind the desk, okay? Okay, we got it. Thanks.

Now, all you have to do is pick up the phone and say hello.

Hello.

No, not the whole phone. Pick up the receiver.

The little thing with the curly wire.

This job's too hard.

No, the pot on top.

Oh.

Hello. No, no, put it down, put it down. Wait until it rings.

Oh, oh.

Now pick it up.

And say hello into the phone.

Hello into the phone.

What? The winner of what?

$14 million.

Well, no thank you. We cannot count that high.

Man, you pigs are stupid.

I can't believe you just turned down $14 million.

Oh, we didn't. It was for you.

It's Muppets Tonight with our very special guest, our Sandra Bullock.

If you're a human being...

We got a show for you.

Guaranteed brand new.

Hang on the bus tonight.

Yeah!

host of our show, Paul Lippard.

Thank you, thank you.

Before we get started, I'd like to get something off my chest.

Oh, a yellow -bellied flutter baby. What a delightful addition to my collection.

Oh, a color -forward top chucklehead. What a delightful addition to my

collection.

Our guest tonight is talented, beautiful, and she drives a mean bus.

I'm talking about none other than Miss Sandra Bullock. Keep it up. Keep it up.

Hey, lady.

Hey, Pete Clifford.

It's a real thrill to be here, but I have to admit it's a little overwhelming

being on live television and everything. For a big movie star like you, what do

you have to be nervous about?

I'm a little afraid that, you know, when people see me on this show, they're not

going to like me.

And then I'm going to do that channel surfing thing, and then the ratings are

going to go down.

Hello. You're going to be disappointed in me and not ask me back ever.

Man, you are nervous, aren't you? A little, maybe.

You know what, maybe, why don't we just show a clip from my new film? Yeah,

okay, good.

Why don't you tell us about it? Okay, it's a follow -up to my film, While

Sleeping. It's called While You're Slapping.

I like it. Oh, of course we will.

Let's roll it, shall we? Okay. Oh, man, look at my arm.

There, there, dear.

You'll be okay.

How is Bill? Is he still in a coma?

Hey, you can't be in here.

This is for family only.

Okay, you can't slap me. I saved Bill's life. And besides, I'm his fiancé.

You can't marry Bill. You're not my... I like him. Bubbles come out of his head.

They do, and that's what I love about him.

Bubbles come out of all of our heads.

I know, and that's what I love about all you guys.

Do bubbles come out of your head?

No, but I'm willing to convert.

What?

Man,

that Sandra Bullock is cute, isn't she?

Well, I don't know. She's not my type.

Not enough fat on her, you know.

Yeah, she'd never make it through the winter, that's for sure.

Anyway, Bobo, I really appreciate you taking over the switchboard, man. Those

pigs were driving me nuts.

Oh, incorrigible little fellas, aren't they? Well, don't you worry, Chief.

Oh, nice chair.

Yep,

answering the phone is as easy as falling off a log.

Are you all right? Yeah, I'm okay.

I just... Ooh.

Bit ironic, don't you think? There I was talking about phone of a log, and

then... Just get the phone, Bobo.

Okay.

Later. Take care.

Bye, Mr. Knight. How can I help you?

All right, man. Listen, and listen good.

Okay. There's a bomb in your studio.

Oh, I know. I read this week's script, too.

Have a good day, sir.

Hey.

Oh, that's nice.

Don't hang up again!

Okay, whatever you say, sir.

Now listen to me, and listen carefully.

Okay. I have something very important to tell you.

Oh, uh, should I write this down?

Yes, it's important.

Okay, um, well, I'm going to need to put you on hold, sir. I need a pint of

pencil. Hey, no!

And now, ladies and gentlemen... We'd like to take you to a psychiatrist's

office. In a sketch we called The Psychiatrist's Office.

Man, who wrote this stuff?

Please come in, Mr. Frog.

That'll be $100.

But I haven't said anything yet.

Yes, you did, just now.

Okay, well, I'll pay on the way out. Then it'll be $150.

Please, have a seat.

Here? Yeah.

So what seems to be the problem? Well, doctor, I see these strange creatures

every time I say the word phenomena.

Phenomena.

Phenomena.

It's the strangest thing I've ever seen.

Do you mind if I try it?

Sure.

Phenomena.

Phenomena.

Phenomena.

Phenomena.

Phenomena.

Phenomena. Boy,

you sure are crazy.

I know.

You should see what happens when I say shave and a haircut.

Two bits.

Wow, that was worth a hundred bucks.

A hundred and fifty.

What do you have so far? Read it back to me. Listen to me and listen

carefully, man.

That's it?

I've been talking for five minutes here.

I'm not very good at writing. I'm a bear.

If you want roots dug up, I'm your bear.

But writing is not what I do.

Listen, is there anyone else there I can talk to?

Well, I... Oh, wait, here comes the host of Muppets Tonight, Clifford.

There you go.

Yeah. What's up, what's up? Muppets Tonight. Can I help you?

Listen to me, and listen carefully, man.

If your ratings fall below 50, a bomb's gonna go off in your studio.

Are you from the network?

No, I'm serious.

Now, keep your ratings above 50 or else, man.

50? We can't keep our ratings that high.

Well, that's your problem.

Yeah, now put me back on hold. I want to learn the rest of that song.

Here, put him on hold.

Chief? Hey, what's up, Chief?

Oh, this is bad, bad.

They're going to blow up the studio if our ratings drop below 50. Oh, no.

Oh, no. This is the end.

My whole life is panting before my eyes.

The sores of Delancey Street.

Alligators everywhere.

Ma, save yourself!

Snap out of it.

I'm all right. It's just that my agent's watching. I wanted to give him a little

taste of what I can do.

Oh, come on, man. We got a crisis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay.

Oh, boy. It's going to be a hot one.

Oh!

Ow!

And now, the continuing saga of America's oldest and fattest family, the

of Forksmith. Back up.

There you are, sir.

Oh, my aching gut.

Oh, my. Oh, my. You ate the whole buffalo?

You were supposed to save some for Washington's birthday.

Oh, let Washington get his own buffalo.

I was hungry.

Oh, Carter, you're right, though. You're right. Yes, sir? I've got to stop

eating so much.

Sir, I've taken the liberty of having Dr.

Trimley come over to hypnotize you so you can control your appetite.

Oh, terrific.

Mr. Tubman, are you ready to be hypnotized?

Yes, Trimley, let's get right to it. If you can get me down to a trim 250

pounds, I'll be forever indebted to you.

Heck, if you can get my right cheek down to 250, I'll be happy.

All right.

Now, you are getting sleepy.

I am getting hungrier.

No, you are getting sleepier. Yes, I know, but I love a snack right before I

to bed.

Poof, you're asleep.

Now,

inside every fat person is a thin person struggling to get out.

Now, let us call forth that slim, trim Howard who lives

inside of you. Come out. Come out, I say.

Who are you? I'm the opening act.

Get back in there.

Yes. Thin Howard. We want the Thin Howard.

Thin Howard.

Come out, Thin Howard.

Mr.

Tubman, wake up. Who are you?

I'm the thin Howard who lives inside of you. And boy, am I hungry.

Me too.

Let's eat.

Oh, I give up. Did you pass the butter? This is terrible.

Oh, how are those apples doing? Oh, hot butter jams, my favorite.

Oh, Mary, what are we going to do? How are we going to keep the rainies above

50? Well, the first thing you've got to do is you've got to get rid of this ass.

Oh, man.

Clifford? Yes? I don't know what you consider a muffin basket, but if I were

producer, I'd give the guest star a basket with more than just one muffin.

sure, but then it would be a muffin basket.

Oh, sorry, Sandra. No time to talk. We got a bad bomb on our hands.

Don't tell me.

If the ratings dip below 50, it's going to blow up the building.

Hey, how'd you know that? Because it's a plot to one of the movies that I did,

Speed. Didn't anybody see it?

No. But obviously the writers did.

Oh, then that explains it.

Okay. All right. Listen. This is what we're going to do. Okay.

Get me Keanu Reeves.

He's booked.

Too bad he's a good kisser. Okay. Rizzo.

Call the bomb squad. Hey, bomb squad!

Use the phone.

Oh, yeah, right.

You two, I want you to give me a list of any wack or a freak that's been in the

building for the past few days.

That's everybody.

Then never mind.

Okay. What?

You two, I want you to find out where that call came from, then I want you to

trace that call. Okay, thank you. Randy, go get some tracing paper.

Okay.

What paper?

Just do it. Right. And you, please, stop that infernal drumming.

Sorry. That's all right.

Sandra, the ratings are almost at 50.

Oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh. What's on the air right now? It's Wall Street

Wanderings with Ernest West.

I'm wondering if the prospects for the economic growth will be debilitated by

the inflationary matrix.

Oh, man, Ernest is killing us.

Clifford, we need the biggest ratings grabber you've got.

Well, there's one thing everybody's been wanting to see more of. Then put it on.

Due to the economic indicators, I've also been wondering who

that extremely attractive young woman is.

Hi. Do you like to boogie?

Yes, I do.

Oh, man, this is great.

Yeah, the ratings are way above 50.

Oh, yeah, the ratings, they're good, too.

Oh,

Randy, look. We should start here.

Hold it up there, fellas.

What do you think you're doing?

Sandra Buttocks told us to trace the phone calls.

You mean to tell me you're going to trace the call by pulling every wire out

every wall in this five -story building?

Yeah. Yeah.

Works for me.

Uh -oh, Spamwell's getting tired.

Yeah, but Ernest is going strong.

No, don't go

there. No, no, no, no, no.

making fun of me.

Me. Clifford, why don't we run this episode of Muppet Babies? Hey, hey, I

episode of Seinfeld.

That doesn't look good.

Oh, no, you've got your Seinfeld all over my Muppet Babies. Well, you've got

your Muppet Babies all over my Seinfeld.

Hey,

wait a minute. Why don't we run them together and see what we've got?

Well, it worked with peanut butter and chocolate.

My parents say they're going to change me, but then after they do, I'm exactly

the same.

Jerry, Elaine, am I going bald?

Because I think I am.

Baby Jerry, can I borrow some spare formula?

Help yourself.

Giddy up.

George, little buddy, you look like you're going bald.

proves with age.

Why? Because the jokes get better?

No, because my hearing gets worse.

Okay,

so that's it. The one who can go the longest without a diaper change wins the

contest.

I'm out.

Oh,

the ratings are looking steady. Yeah, but the sketch has been kind of right.

Don't worry, I've got an act all ready to go. And now, music lovers,

all the way from London's East End, Sid Canisius and his Mosh Pit Tito!

Thank you. Thank you, Gonzo.

Now that's what I call a dancing!

Oh, that would be me.

I'm going, okay?

Too far!

Oh, the shark has pointy teeth, dear.

And he makes them pearly.

What's all this?

Bill, Bill, Bill, on stage. Go, go, go, go, go. Stage?

Rizzo? Well, for your entertainment, I would like to... Anything.

Make something up.

I'd like to do the Flight of the Bubble Bee.

Music.

Ooh,

a nickel.

I'm blowing.

Actors? Are we the desperate?

Yes!

Richard?

I'm Seymour. I'm Pepe. We're two of a kind. I'm a little bit forward.

And I've got a big behind.

Say, Seymour.

Yes, Pepe?

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

Gee, I don't know. What?

Elevino.

Elevino. And if I know... Gee, Pepe, I don't think they get it.

And if I know... Why do I have to explain to you people, okay?

And if I know... Tell me early. And if I know... Don't yell at them.

Uh -oh, guys, look. Look at the ratings.

Oh, no. Oh, this is grim, grim.

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. What's up? Remember that thing you told us to

that we can't remember what it is? Well, we did it. You traced that call?

Yeah, that was it. Yes, we found the mad...

when we're watching the Hot Buddies bikini contest.

Okay,

okay. Elephant.

Elephant.

Elef.

Rhino. Rhino.

I know.

Elef, I know.

Unbelievable. I can't believe it. How many times?

How many times we got to do? Gee, Pepe, maybe we should just sing the song.

Okay.

I'm Seymour. I'm Pepe. We're two of a kind. I'm a little bit forward.

I've got a big behind.

It's a couple of sandwiches. Shall I have a picnic basket?

There it is. There it is.

There it is right there. All right, all right, all right.

Stay back, everyone.

The Mad Bomber is in the closet.

I don't want anyone trying any dangerous macho save -the -day heroics. But I

love dangerous macho save -the -day heroics.

To tell you the truth, man.

Oh, gosh, it's a point.

Sandra Bullock!

Yeah! Take off some more babies!

Ernest. Sorry.

Sandra, you're the mad bomber. Why?

Oh, Clifford, there's no bomb.

I just wanted the ratings to be really high so the show would be a huge success

and then you'd like me and then you'd ask me back again.

What are you worried about the ratings for?

People love you. They love your movies. They love you no matter what you do.

Really? Sure.

Sandra, you could do anything and people would enjoy it. I could do anything?

Anything.

Anything? Anything.

Anything? My voice don't go that high. Do it, girl.

Great.

Oh, Mahoney.

Oh, Mahoney.

Won't you hurry?

You had to say she could do anything.

Oh, come on, come on. We better get out there and say goodnight.

Oh, boy, this one's going to be a challenge.

Come on, here.

It's the best band in the land.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for Sandra Bullock. Yeah, give it up. Give

it up.

I'm not done yet. I can't hear you. Thank you for coming on the show and for

doing such a great job.

You can come back anytime.

Come on, Riz. Just wave and smile. She won't know the difference.

Yeah, nice.

It's wonderful.

His name is my name, too.

Whenever we go out, the people always shout, there goes John Jacob

Schmidt.

Excuse me, Sandra.

Sandra, here are the keys.

Could you lock the door when you are done?

Just lock it. Thank you.

Good night.

John Jacob.

Elephant. Elephant.

What is this?

Okay,

okay. Elephant.

Elephant.

Elephant. Again.

Okay, okay.

Elephant.

Oh, he got my sticky.

Okay. I put it right between his nostrils.

I want you both... Sorry.

Don't tell me if the ratings dip below 50, they're going to...

blow something up really big?

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.

Cut, cut, cut, cut. What's wrong with that?