Original subtitles

If you would only say you... Johnny!

What'd you do to the green room?

Oh, Clifford, I'm so glad you stopped in. Listen, in honor of Tony being on

show, I thought I'd bring in a few of my collectibles from home.

You brought in all this yourself?

Oh, you better believe it, kid.

I got the last one here, Johnny. Oh, thank you, Sal. Listen, put it over

huh, pal? Okay. Great. Look, Clifford, I got every album Tony Bennett ever made,

including this very rare Sergeant Tony's Lonely Hearts Club Gang, which, by the

way, came out a week before the one with those other guys.

The Beatles.

Whatever.

Anyway, look, I got the Tony Bennett lunchbox, huh? And then I got the Tony

Bennett action figure with Kung Fu grip.

And then I got a full case of his canned pasta rigatoni, Bennett. You want I

should open a can, Johnny?

Sal, is it New Year's?

No. Sorry, Johnny.

Well, listen, I gotta go. You guys are starting to scare me. Oh, no, Clifford,

Clifford, wait, hold, hold. Word, word. You have not yet seen the piece of

resistance. Sal, the curtain. Oh, here we go. Watch this.

Ta -da!

Ah, yes, to the untrained eye, it would appear that I have Tony Bennett locked

in this here case.

But, in truth, it is a fully operational automated Tony Bennett, of which I got

the only one ever made. Watch this.

I left my heart in

San Francisco.

What?

That's amazing.

Yeah, yeah, I know. And he'll even tell you fortune.

Beware of falling cows.

What kind of stupid fortune is that?

That kind.

It's Muppet Time with our very special guest star, Tony Bennett.

It's your argument.

Take a load off your teeth.

Got a lot to do. And we do it for you.

Everybody take your place. We got

it.

And now, here's the host of our show, Ron LeBleu.

Hey, what's up, what's up?

Welcome to Muppets Tonight, the show that has something for every man, woman,

and child. Hey, what about my people?

Oh, yeah, how could I forget our always important rat population?

Thank you.

Anywho, tonight's special guest is one of the great singers of this or any

generation, Mr.

Tony Bennett.

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. Oh, how about that?

Yeah. Thank you.

Hey, Kermit, have you ever sung Firefly before?

Well, I can't say that I have, Tony, but, you know, I've certainly eaten a

They're a good light snack.

Oh, boy.

Hey, come on, let's do this. Okay, you start it off, okay? All right. Mm -hmm.

I call her Firefly.

Firefly. Cause oh my, she radiates moon glow.

Wants none of that noon glow.

Start the glitter when the sun goes down about 8 p .m. 8 p .m. It's mayhem. She

switches the brights up, lights up, and gives me a call. Take me to the firefly

ball. But when I get her there, sit her there, do I get to pet her there and

grab me some glow? No, she's a gadabout, madabout, luring every ladabout while

leaving me moaning low.

Oh, firefly. Firefly. Why can't I latch on to you? Oh, how, oh,

how I love you, but, gee, try to set the night on fire, fly, shine a little

light on me, but when I get her there, better there do I get, the better there,

and grab me some glow. No, she's a gadabout, madabout, luring every lad

while leaving me moaning alone.

I can fix this. I can help you. Oh, good grief, Spammo's smoking.

Is she ever. No, no, no, no, somebody get a fire extinguisher out there. Fire

extinguisher, yeah.

Why you set the night on fire?

Shine a little light on, shine a little light on, shine a little light on me.

In the morning.

What's the name of that famous song Tony Bennett sings?

I left my heart in San Francisco.

Big deal. I left my teeth in Minneapolis.

And now for tonight's exciting episode of NYPD Green.

Did you see which way he went? Nah, I think we lost him. I can't believe we

that filthy dirt bag get away.

Excuse me, excuse me. Who are you?

I'm the network sensor, and you cannot call someone a filthy dirt bag on a

family show.

Oh, no, no, no.

You misunderstood.

Yeah, you see, we were actually talking about an actual filthy bag of dirt here

that was stolen.

Oh, sorry.

Please continue.

Okay. Well, where were we? Oh, I think it's your line. My line, yes, yes.

I swear, Detective Amphibowitz, I will not rest until we catch that slimy

scuzzball. Stop, stop. You cannot say slimy scuzzball.

Oh, no, no, you're misunderstood again.

No, no, you see, the guy that stole the filthy dirt bag is actually a slimy

scuzzball. That's right, that's right.

Stosh, could you come in here for a second, please?

That's right, baby. I'm a scuzzball. I live under the couch. The cat coughed me

up. You got a problem with that?

No, that's fine. I'm sorry.

Carry on.

Oh,

my little baby.

I suppose this is a blood -sucking bath kisser. No, that's Don the prop guy.

Yes, my lady, you got a filthy mind on you.

Come on, Brie, let's just flip off the camera.

What?

Yeah, give it up.

And now, Muppets Tonight nervously presents Gonzo the Great and his

missiles of death.

Hey,

good evening, danger lovers.

Tonight, I, the great Gonzo, will attach myself to this intercontinental

ballistic missile and ski jump over eight live free -range chickens.

Yo, yo, Gonzo, why do you need a rocket just to jump over chickens?

I give up, Clifford. Why do you need a rocket just to jump over chickens?

No, man, it's not a joke. You're telling me you should see my insurance

premiums.

Chickens, a little Wagner, please.

Okay, Camilla, let her rip!

Bet you won't see that on Friends.

Have a good day, sir.

Yes, and everything's going smoothly, team.

Gonzo cleared those chickens with about 18 ,000 miles to spare.

And that leaves us with nothing.

Nothing? There's nothing on stage. Quick, quick, quick. Cue the Johnny

show. Get out of the way.

Cue Johnny Fiamma. Oh, man, did you see that? Did you see that?

Yeah. That was great. Did you see Gonzo take off? Oh, yeah.

Well, where'd he land? Well, technically, Chief, he hasn't. Say what?

Well, where's he at, then?

Well, Clifford, we're tracking Gonzo right now, and according to our

calculations, he has just passed over Perth and is now somewhere near Rapid

City, South Dakota.

Well, all right.

Hello, Mr. President.

That was cool.

Whoa, that guy can fly fast and stuff.

You said fly.

Shut up, rockhead.

Now he's over turkey.

Now he's over grease.

Now he's over eating.

I made a funny... Yo, Dr. Do, what does that bell mean?

I think that means that Gonzo has reached the apogee of his trajectory.

Nope. That means my popcorn is done.

Will you guys keep an eye on Gonzo? I'm going to go and check out the Johnny

Fiamma talk show.

Hope he's not doing a Letterman ripoff.

Nah, he would never do that.

Number two, my monkey bodyguard is there to flick away the flies.

And the number one reason chicks dig me, I still

cry when Bambi's mother buys the farm.

Okay, all right, thanks. We're moving on, huh?

And now it's time to bring out my first guest.

I'll tell you, I am so excited.

Let me explain.

Tony Bennett is my all -time favorite idol. I am so nervous. We've never met.

The man, he loves a maranata with linguine like I do. So let's bring him

I'm very excited, very nervous. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Tony Bennett.

Oh, my.

Yeah. Great to finally meet you, Johnny.

Wow.

Hey, hey.

Is he okay, Sal?

Yeah, yeah, he's just scared out of his gourd to meet you.

Want a cannoli?

No, no, no, thanks, Sal. Suit yourself. Johnny, maybe you and I should just sing

a song and... A song?

Yeah, come on. No.

Yeah, come on, Johnny.

We'll have fun.

I say potato and you say...

I say tomato, and you say... Tomato.

Tomato.

Let's call the whole thing off.

I guess we'll call the whole thing off.

Hey, Sal, save me a cannoli. Yeah, sure.

Oops.

I finished them all.

And now, the continuing saga of America's oldest and fattest family, the

of Portsmouth. Carter?

Yes? I believe these trousers need to be let out again.

For the 17th time this year, you must learn to control your lust for dessert.

Mmm, dessert.

Well, that reminds me. There's a colonial rum cake I've put away.

We'll celebrate the letting out of my pants. What say you?

All right, you fine New England gentlemen?

Robbery, see?

Please,

please, take anything.

I abhor violence.

Hey, shut your trap. We want your gold and your jewels and your... Hey, look

what we have here.

It's a safe.

No, please, don't open that. I beg of you, take anything but that.

A colonial rum cake?

Looks sort of a Yankee Doodle dummy. Puts a cake in a safe.

Oh, well, let's have a piece, huh?

Oh, no, you don't. I told you not to touch that.

Don't touch my rum cake.

Don't you dare touch my rum cake.

No, no, no, no.

Don't leave.

Well, that's a shame.

I was going to ask them to stay for a cup of tea.

I'll have a cup of tea, sir.

Oh, excellent.

And I wouldn't mind a slice of that colonial rum cake.

But not with my rum cake. You don't, mister.

Don't you try it.

Yes. Welcome back. to Muppet Tonight.

Let's give a big welcome to an act that I know you'll like. The musical stylings

of Call the Big Mean Bunny.

Give it up. Give it up.

Wait a minute. You're not a bunny. No, but I'm big and mean.

Oh, what's that on your tongue?

Thank you.

Any news from Gonzo yet?

Not yet.

According to our calculations, he's somewhere in New York City.

New York City?

If you want my body and... Oh, hi, Mr. Callahan. How you doing?

You want the usual?

No? Well, let me mix you up something I call my Sergio Surprise.

Who's that?

Oh, that's Sergio.

He's the surprise.

What? You don't want any?

Sergio, I tried to warn you. Keep your head down until after, after they drink

you. Then you go nuts.

Let's get out of here.

What? What's that, Mr. C?

Oh, Clueless? Yeah, he's in the back. I'll call him.

Clueless! Yeah, Polly, what a... Oh, thank you.

Huh?

Oh, Mr. Callaghan, now you've crossed the line. With those kind of stretch

marks, you really got to wear a one -piece.

Say, Clunas, what's new with you and the missus? Oh, not much, but we're

expecting a blessed event.

You're kidding.

You're going to have a baby?

Oh, no, no. They're moving a mouth -watering, lip -smacking junkyard in

door. And if that's not a blessed event, I don't know what is.

I don't know what is.

You already did the punchline.

Oh, really?

Paul?

Oh, give me a home where the buffalo roam and

the deer... Oh,

that's gonna hurt in the morning.

Oh, Sally, I can't believe I passed out in front of Tony Bennett.

Eh?

Oh, like that's not a big thing or something?

Tonight was the single most embarrassing moment of my life.

Yeah, what about that time that you roused all over the Japanese prime

That wasn't me. That was George Bush.

Why do you always confuse us?

I'm sorry, Mr. President. I mean, Johnny.

Pack, huh? I can only hope that not too many people saw what happened tonight.

Well, if that's what you're hoping, Johnny, then you shouldn't look at

variety, see?

No, Sal, I shouldn't look at that.

So, uh, what do you want I should do then, Johnny?

Nothing, all right?

Nothing. I just want to be alone now, huh?

You want me to help you be alone?

No, Sal.

Just go, huh? Go.

Sorry, Johnny.

I was, uh, just, uh, trying to help.

No, Sal.

Get out.

Out.

Sal, would you get off of the dashboard, huh?

Sal, stop. I'm over here, you stupid monkey.

Sal, stop grooming me.

What do you mean you voted for Dukakis?

You laugh tonight and cry tomorrow when

you behold your shattered schemes.

And Zigalow and Zigalette wake up to find their eyes are wet

with tears that tell of broken dreams.

I walk along the street of sorrow.

The boulevard of broken dreams.

Where gigolo and gigolette can take a kiss without regret.

So they forget their broken dreams.

You laugh tonight.

And cry tomorrow when you behold

your shattered schemes.

Wake up to find their eyes are wet

with tears that tell of broken dreams.

Here is where you'll always find me.

Sal, what is it? Hey, Tony.

Say, are you looking for something like a new personal assistant or a bodyguard

or something?

But, Sal, you're Johnny's monkey.

Not anymore.

Johnny hates me now. I guess, to him, I'm just a chimpanzee.

Hey, Sal, the monkey tears don't come out.

Sorry. The point is, Tony...

I gotta find some way to get back into Johnny's good graces.

Well, come on, Sal. Between the two of us, I'm sure we can think of something.

Yeah.

Hmm.

I swear, I can't think of anything.

Me neither.

I feel like that robot Tony that you've got in the case.

Hey, wait a minute.

That gives me an idea.

And now, Great Moments in Elvis History presents...

Elvis the King and his Knights of the Round Table.

Hark! The King approaches!

The King approaches!

The King! The King!

Well, thank you. Thank you very much, Galahad.

Your Highness, much trouble is brewing in your kingdom.

How dare you call your king dumb?

That there was a joke, son. I suggest you laugh a lot.

You called, Your Majesty?

No, Lancelot, I said laugh a lot.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

Your Highness, have you heard? A dragon has captured Lady Guinevere. No, but if

you hum a few bars, I'll be happy to rock along.

Have no fear, my liege. I shall slay that beast.

Now, don't be cruel there, fella.

Guinevere may be a might plane, but she ain't no beast.

Mercy.

Holy grail.

It's Merlin, and he's got the queen.

How did you get her back?

Their dragon was sick -a -naggin'. He sent back this here Guinevere.

Returned to send her? Address unknown?

You betcha. I hate that dragon. All we ever ate was roast meat and barbecue.

Mmm, tasty.

Oh, my Guinevere.

I was so afraid I lost you forever.

And you were the finest gal I had.

Yes, your majesty.

No, not you, Galahad. I was talking to my queen.

I'm so happy she's back.

It makes me want to dance a lot.

Yes, your majesty.

No, not you dance a lot.

Oh, heck. Let's just sing the song.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Mmm.

A dragon has captured a little bear.

Don't you worry, Excalibur's here.

That dragon breathes fire. He's mighty hot.

Just ask good old Lancelot. Let's rock.

Join us next time when Great Moments in Elvis History presents Cousin of Great

Clowns.

Me, Elvis.

You fried jello donut.

Tasty.

Well,

that'll be the last of it.

Oh, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony.

I could always sing with you, automaton Tony.

But with the real Tony, I'm the Mama Luke of the year.

Oh, well, pal, how about one for old time's sake, huh?

Saking the blues away.

Unhappy news away.

If you were blue, it's easy to shake all your cares and trouble.

Telling the blues to go.

They may refuse to go.

But as a rule they'll go if you shake them away.

Do like the voodoos do.

Listening to a voodoo melody. They shake their bodies so.

Do and fro.

With every shake. A lucky break.

Moving theirs away.

To chase your cares away.

If you would lose your weary blues.

Shake them away.

It's you. It's really you.

That's right, Johnny. I knew we could sing together.

You mean I'm singing with the real pony?

Come on, Johnny. Let's take it home.

Hey!

If you would lose your weary blues, shake them away.

Yeah.

Shake them. I'm going, Tom.

Shake them. Watch me, babe.

Shake them.

That's it.

Don't break them.

Shaking all your blues.

Thank you so much. Thank you, Tony.

Oh, don't thank me, Johnny. It was Sal who put all this together.

Sal?

Sal. Come up here, you little goofball. Come here.

Come here.

Come here. Give me a hug.

Huh? Come here. Come on.

That's all right. Who's my little stinky monkey?

I am.

Yeah, that's right. I am, Johnny. That's right. Thank you, Sal.

It was very, very, very sweet of you.

It was nothing, Johnny. You know, it was just that when you couldn't sing with

Tony, you looked so pathetic and so pitiful, and I just thought... All

okay, okay. Thank you, Sal.

Hey, it's so good to see you guys back together.

Thanks, Tony. It's because of you, Tony. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Tony

Bennett, huh? Yeah, yeah.

You better clap. Isn't he wonderful?

Yeah, you all clap.

Thank goodness this show's almost over. So what happened to that blue freak on

the missile?

Is he all right?

I don't know. I'll check his boat.

If he's got one, I'll split it with you.

Did I clear the chickens?

I'm the real Tony Bennett.

You put the wrong guy in here, fellas. Come on, anybody.

Get me out of here.

Anybody.

Boy.

Sure is realistic.

Sal,

who does your hair?

I do it myself, Johnny. Look, watch. I just do it like this.

There.

Yeah, I do mine too, Sal. You want to see how I do mine? Yeah, yeah, I'd like

see that, Johnny.

Hey!

What's going on here?

I'm going to wet myself.