Original subtitles

Okay. Well, what now?

Yo, John, are you all ready for the show? Is there anything else I can get

No, you guys have been great, just with the doctor order. I tell you, I've been

so busy lately, if I didn't do a nice relaxing show like this, I'd go crazy.

And it is going to be relaxing, isn't it, Clifford? You promised me. Oh, yeah,

John. What could possibly go wrong?

Barklers! Let's play with them!

Fellas, fellas, fellas! Get away from there! You could be electrocuted.

Yeah, you guys could have been killed.

You should thank Mr. Goodman for saving your little piggy skin.

Thank you, Mr.

Goodman. Yeah, without our skins, we could never be naked.

That's all right, fellas.

Hey, Clifford, the Igpays are a little oopin' stay.

He speaks the ancient tongue.

E -way are not earthy way. E -way are not earthy way.

Welcome to my life.

Come on, John, I'll show you around the studio.

You know what? What? We must become Mr. Goodman's personal slaves because he

saved our lives.

Yes, if it wasn't for him, we might have been elocuted. Like this.

Oh, yes.

Oh, my man.

What was that?

Smells like bacon.

Sure does.

Not me.

Not me.

It's Muppet Tonight with our very special guest star, John Goodman.

If you're a human being, take a break from the race.

Take a load off your teeth, wipe the look off your face. Got a lot to do, and

do it for you.

Everybody take your place.

Muppet Tonight.

We've got a show for you, guaranteed brand new.

Hick on the Muppet Line.

Yeah!

We've got a show for you, guaranteed brand new. Hick on the Muppet, Hick on

Muppet, Hick on the Muppet Line.

Here's the host of our show, John Goodman.

Good evening, good evening, and welcome to Muppet Tonight, the show that has

families all around the world saying, I don't get it. Oh, I do. You see, they're

making fun of all of you, and, uh, never mind.

Any of you.

We're all very excited tonight because our guest star is Mr.

John Goodman.

to start the show off, here's the veterinarian of carrion, our very own

Phil Van Neuter.

It's time now for an extra scary edition of Space Rat.

Hey, you!

Scared you, didn't I?

Yes, always.

I am Dr.

Phil Van Neuter, your friendly veterinarian. Oh, go away.

Welcome to a special edition of Tales from the Vat!

Oh, what is that?

Every week, Mulch and I receive thousands and thousands of letters.

Mulch, Mulch, the fan mail! Oh, there you are.

Come on, hurry up.

Two letters, that's it?

You mean the rest were for you? You can't even read!

Anyway, anyway, one of these letters intrigued me.

And I quote,

Dear Dr.

Phil, we hear you are married to Mulch's sister, the enchanting and bewitching

Composta Heap. How did you meet, and can you please tell us in a song,

preferably one by Thomas Dolby? Well, if memory serves, I believe it went

something like this.

I was a young man studying taxidermy at Stuff University.

Good old Stuff U.

When I met the beautiful Tom Hooster.

It's poetry in motion.

She turned her tender eyes to me.

As deep as any ocean.

As sweet as any harmony.

She blinded me with science.

Oh, my specimen.

She blinded me with science.

And she fell me in biology.

Oh, yes. When I'm dancing close to her.

Oh,

very good.

So what's on now? Nothing. Nothing. That's nice.

Nothing? North Africa, 1943.

General Montgomery's desert rats are trapped behind enemy lines.

What follows is the true story of the Rat Patrol.

Don't look good, fellas. The enemy cheese has us surrounded.

What? Yes, sir. No, no, no. I meant shoot.

No, no, no.

Darn! And if any of you clowns pulls out a pair of socks, I'll slug you.

Did someone say slug?

Hey,

Sarge, enemy T's approaching.

Don't shoot, don't shoot. I'm Swiss. We are neutral.

I am going trench to trench, selling army knives and bank accounts.

You guys want anything?

Hey, hey, hey, go on, get out of here before I put a few more holes in your

fondue face.

Don't push me with the...

I tell you, I can't wait to get out of here. Oh, yeah.

Hey, Indiana.

Yeah, what's up, Dodge? What are you going to do when you get out of here?

I know exactly what I'm going to do. Yeah, I'm going to cook my girlfriend

and then I'm going to marry me a nice, juicy steak.

I guess you never did visit that platoon psychiatrist I recommended.

Yes, I did. He was delicious.

All right, let's just take it easy, real easy, and I'll get you guys out of here

in one piece.

Incoming!

Everybody okay?

Hey, Sarge, take a look at Indiana.

Don't!

Sarge, you told me you was gonna get me home in one piece.

I was way off on that one, huh?

But don't worry.

I'll get a message if that girl here is Jill.

Forget Jill. Get a message to that steak.

Tell her I... I couldn't think of a steak joke.

That's it, fellas.

We're going over the top to cream that cheese.

For Indiana?

No, that's steak.

I'm starved. Starved, I tell you.

Woo -hoo!

Show! All right, work rats.

Okay, repo camera three for Incredible Discoveries. Get going, get going.

I thought the cheese was a little off.

Mr. Goodman, it's us. We are here to help you and be your slaves. Yeah.

Oh, no thanks, fellas. I'm beat. I just want to go back to my dressing room and

do one thing, relax.

Oh, good. Then we can bathe you in precious oil. Yeah, we have 40 weight

corn.

Okay, I'll play along. If you guys want to help me, why don't you press my suit?

Oh. Okay.

Press, press, press, press, press.

Yeah.

Press, press, press, press, press. Stop it.

What do you need? Our help. Yes. You keep forgetting things. Like this.

Oh, no, you idiot. That's a live grenade.

A what? A live grenade.

A what? A live grenade. There you go.

I'm, uh, not relaxing.

And now it's time for Gonzo and Rizzo's Incredible.

Welcome to the show. I am your host, the great Gonzo, and this is my

assistant... The reluctant Rizzo. Are you all set, Rizzo?

Well, I'm still not quite exactly sure what we're going to be doing. Great!

Tonight's first incredible discovery is if you put your nose into an electric

pencil sharpener... Steady, steady, steady. Steady there, Rizzo.

It hurts!

Oh, how's that for an incredible discovery?

But... If you want to see a really incredible discovery... And I'm not sure

I do.

Watch this. If you put live electric eels down your pants... It hurts?

No, actually, it feels pretty good. Yeah, until they short out your pocket

change.

Then it hurts.

Well,

another incredible discovery.

Yeah. And now, for our final incredible discovery.

You try to play catch with a wrecking ball.

It hurts.

I've got an incredible discovery.

What's that?

When you watch this show, it hurts.

And now, another episode from the Files of Fairyland PD.

Tonight, Kurds away.

the lady being harassed by a spider?

Yes. Hello, Miss Muppet. What happened, ma 'am? Well, I was sitting here

enjoying a lovely bowl of curds and whey.

Curds and what? No, whey.

Okay, now some spider sat down beside you and started coming on to you, right?

Yeah. Is there anything you can do about it? Oh, don't worry, sister.

We'll take care of it.

I wouldn't even feed that stuff to my cat.

He's coming.

Hey,

how you doing, sweet stuff?

Are you talking to me?

Oh, this is a delicious bowl of curds and whey you got here.

Mind if I have a taste?

I'm sorry, man.

You're hitting me? I know. Hit the spider, don't hit you, okay? It won't

again. Just calm your nerves, okay?

Oh,

Miss Muffet. What are you doing here?

I just came back for some curds and whey.

Oh, here, take it. I don't know how you can eat that slop.

Thanks. Sure.

I did it again, didn't I?

Whoa, curds and whey come to papa.

Gotcha. No, no, no, fellas, please. You've got to give me a break.

Yeah,

that's what they all say. No, no, no, you don't understand.

I've got 3 ,000 kids, and my wife, she's a black widow. If I don't bring home

dinner, I am dinner.

Gee, spider, we didn't know.

Yeah, hey, you can go. Oh, thanks.

Suckers.

Oh, what a tangled web we leave. Win first. Hey, shut up.

You know, I get the feeling that you kind of enjoy the...

Hey, you know, this

scalp massage feels great. You guys are really helping me relax.

Oh, good. Maybe I misjudged you guys.

Well, we're sorry about blowing you up and driving your head into the main

lines.

It's okay.

It actually helped me clear my sinuses.

What kind of massage oil are you using?

Oh, I'm not using oil. It's glue.

Glue? Well, yeah. That way you never have to style your hair again.

What? I have your suit.

Just leave it outside, please.

I can't. They don't allow smoking in the hall.

Oh, just get out.

Please, I need to relax. I need some air.

Oh, we'll get you some air. Yeah, we can do that.

Hey.

Hey.

Randy, we are trapped. We cannot get out of here.

Oh, John, John, we can't find the get out thingy.

It's called a door. A door.

And it's right there.

Yo, yo, John, what's going on?

Clifford, you promised me this would be relaxing. I'm not relaxing. You promised

me this would be fun. I'm not having fun.

And I'm stuck.

Yeah.

Welcome back to Puppets Tonight.

John Goodman is having a really bad hair day right now and can't come out. So

we're going to fill some time with a little blast from the past.

The year was 1969, and everyone was loony over the moon landing.

That's why we did a little TV pilot with a young John Goodman called the Lunar

Mooners. Let's watch, shall we?

Allison, I'm home.

Alf, shut the airlock. The atmosphere isn't free up here, you know.

Don't start with me, Allison.

I had a tough day on the moon bus.

The artificial gravity kept breaking down.

Gee, Alf, I thought you were big enough to have your own gravitational pull.

One of these days, Allison.

Bang! Zoom!

Right to the earth!

That would be my first trip since our honeymoon.

Now, if you don't mind, all I want to do is take off these moon boots and soak

my aching asteroids.

Fine, fine.

I have to go change.

I'm going to go shopping with Dixie and Mrs. Munakati. Door.

No.

No, get down here right now.

Hey, sure thing, Alfie.

What are you trying to do? No, don't give me a heart attack.

Take it easy, Alfie boy. Hey, I just came down to give you the tickets you

wanted. You know, to the Space Cadets Ball.

Oh, that's great, Newton. You're the best pal a guy ever had.

Allison's going to be so surprised.

Hey, sure, Alfie boy. I got him right here in my vest.

Right here, Aroni.

Just give me the tickets.

Here you go.

Alf, is that Newton?

Oh, why, no, dear. It's the delivery boy. Yeah, that's it. That's right,

Allison. I am not Newton. I am only a delivery guy.

Will you get out of here before she sees you? Do I get a tip? Get out!

Why shouldn't you be getting into your ball gown, my dear? After all, tonight,

we will be dancing on the sea of tranquility.

Oh!

Take us to the space!

There's nothing like good comedy.

Nothing like it on this show.

Boy,

this plane is brilliant.

How'd I ever do so bad on my SATs?

Help! Help!

Where are my slaves when I need them? Uh, Mr. Goodeman, we're coming in the

answering thingy. Yes, we made pineapple.

Help, boys, help! I was, uh, cleaning my watch when I slipped out the window.

Oh, pull me back. it and save me. Then we'll be even, and you won't have to

me anymore.

Oh, no, our master's in trouble.

Let's throw him a life preserver.

Oh, how about this thing that makes our hands smoke and blister? Yeah. No, you

idiot, stop the radiator.

Hey,

where's John?

Oh, please tell me he's relaxing.

Oh, he is, Clifford. He's relaxing in a truckload of mousetrap.

And one bear trap.

Ow!

Alfred!

Number one.

Hey there, Nigel. How's it going, huh?

Oh, well, John Goodman just fell out the window. Clifford is trying to get a

bear trap off his head. The producer's cat just got away and there's nobody on

stage to introduce Johnny Fiamma. Gee, sounds like a slow night.

I'll go out and introduce Johnny. Good, good, good. Go, go, go, go, go.

Line up camera two for a standard opening at the Archway. Can somebody get

chamomile tea?

And now Muppets Tonight is proud to present the oh -so -smooth stylings of

Johnny Fiamma. Yay!

Thank you.

You know, friends, with this being the year of the chick, in my mind, every day

is Valentine's Day.

And tonight, we'd like to do something special just for you.

Well, now what do you know? A table for two.

How romantic.

Yes. Waiter.

Waiter. Sal.

Yeah, Johnny. Oh, I mean, customer.

Yes, thank you.

Would you be so kind as to choose a beautiful young lady from our audience

share a romantical, intimate dinner with me? I would be honored, waiter. I mean,

Johnny, I mean, customer.

All right, go.

Come on, you're coming on stage.

I'd really rather not. Come on, you'll have fun.

I don't even like his music. Que bella, eh?

And what is your name, sweetheart?

Clarissa. May we seat you, Clarissa? No.

Come on back here. Come right over here. Here's your chair. You're waiting right

here. Isn't this a beautiful place? There you go.

Yes, yes. Waiter, waiter.

Sal. Sal.

Yes, yes. Come in here.

That's right. Here you go.

Ah, veal. The meat of love.

How romantic.

We'll both have that.

Okay. Ray.

This is for you.

Why do birds suddenly... I don't eat veal.

Excuse me?

I don't approve of the way they raise it.

What raise? What are you talking about, raise?

She's just on the same kick my sister is.

Come here. You're going to sit right here, and you're going to eat that veal.

Close to you.

And that is why all the cats in town... I'm not going to eat veal.

Oh, nice work, Sal.

Hey, Johnny, you know what? We don't need her. Look, look, how about I sit

and eat this veal and you sing to me?

All right.

Yeah,

close to you.

Yo, Rizzo.

Get another act on pronto.

All right. I'm going to go and check on John Goodman in the infirmary.

All right, okay. You've got a suggestion what we can put on stage here, huh? Oh,

Rizzo, Rizzo. I have this amazing memory act that I do.

Really? I didn't know you did that.

Oh, sure, sure. I did it on that show.

Oh, wait.

What's it called?

You know, with the guy with the green, what do you call it?

Uh -huh. You know what?

Let's kill Carl, the big mean bagpipe eater.

bagpipes. Thank you.

Ah, Mr. Goodman, you'll be right as rain as long as you get some rest and don't

think about those two stupid you -know -whats.

You mean us?

Wake up, man. You're having a bad dream.

Oh, man.

It was horrible, Clifford.

I dreamt I was doing the show, and I wound up in traction.

Well, as a matter of fact, you weren't dreaming.

You are in traction.

And that's why I'm going to go on stage and cancel your big number. No way,

Clifford. I know I'm not 100%, but I think I can still do the number.

How are you going to do that?

Like this.

Seems I've got to have a change of scene.

Every night I have a strange dream.

In prison by the way it could have been.

I just can't waste my time. I must keep driving.

This is one of the worst experiences I've ever had.

That's what all our guest stars say. At least you're consistent.

Good night, everybody.

Good night.

Hit it!

Hey,

Mr. Goodman.

Welcome back to the show. John.

John.

Yeah, it's great to be back on Roseanne.

Those Muppets drove me crazy.

Would someone get me a coffee, please?

We'll get it for you, Master.

Yeah.

We work on this show now.