Original subtitles

Well, let's see what's happening on Wall Street.

Still a bear market, I see.

Money's moving slow, but salmon futures are going along swimmingly.

Oh, boy,

I cracked myself up. I'm going to have to start writing this stuff down.

Salmon futures.

Excuse me, I'm looking for the Muppet Studio.

Yeah, lady, you and the IRS.

I'm a guest on the show, and I need to know how to get into the studio.

Listen, lady, can't you see I... I...

Oh, they didn't tell me it was going to be a bear.

Bill, bring out the heavy stuff.

Are you okay?

Man, I hate the recoil on this thing. It kicks like a... I want to be

loved by you, just you. And nobody else but you.

Say, uh, you guys don't shake your booty?

Excuse me? I was just talking to the butterflies around my head.

Okay, right.

You do that, and I'm going to go in there, okay?

Bye -bye.

Bye -bye.

Oh, hello there.

Thank you.

Step right in.

Oh, hi there, Bobo. Listen, is Cindy Crawford here yet?

Pretty.

I'll take that as a yes.

It's Muppets Tonight with our very special guest star, Cindy Crawford.

Take a break from the race. Take a load off your feet.

Watch the look off your face. Got a lot to do. And we do it for you.

Everybody take your place.

Tonight.

Tonight. We got it. So for you.

And now, here's the host of Muppets Tonight.

The nipple.

Welcome, welcome.

What's up? What's up? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Welcome to Muppets Tonight, the show that has people all over the country

saying, Where's the remote?

Our special guest tonight is the super -duper supermodel, Cindy Crawford.

Before we get to Cindy, here straight from their two -week engagement under

Carnegie Hall are the Irish Rotons.

When I was a young lad in a old county court, my father said, son, don't eat

with a fork.

No need to say thank you, no need to say please.

Cheese,

cheese, cheese, cheese.

Man,

this is stupid.

Rats dancing some corny jig with dairy products.

Hey, hey, come on, Clifford. Don't be such a stick in the mud. Get in touch

your inner cheese.

All right.

Ain't that the truth?

You know,

they're calling this show a runaway hit.

Yeah. Whenever it comes on, you want to run away.

Stop!

You want my body.

Oh, how you doing, Mr. Callahan?

The usual?

No? Well, then try a little of this.

Tastes good, huh?

You like that, huh?

Oh, think nothing of it, Mr. C. You know, in the Middle East, a good burp is

considered a compliment.

And that particular compliment ought to hit Cairo right about now.

Yeah,

he's in the back.

I'll call him out.

Clueless!

Uh, one second, Mr. C.

Clueless! Yes, Polly, what can I... Oh, thank you.

Oh, Mr. Callahan, you're wearing the violet contacts.

Well, eat your heart out, Liz Taylor.

Clueless, what's with the bat? Are you going to play some cricket?

Not cricket.

Horsefly. There's been a big one buzzing around me all day long. Really? And the

next time he lands, I'm going to smash him into...

Whoa.

Don't move, Mr. Callahan.

Nice going, Clueless. You missed the fly and you cold -cocked Mr.

Callahan. Sorry.

Will you just sing?

All right.

Pull.

Pull.

I see him. What? Hold still. What? Where?

Hold still,

Clueless.

little piece of trivia for you. Did you know that our guest star, Cindy

Crawford, got her start right here with the Muppets?

Yeah! She was a regular on a very popular afternoon show, I'm sure you all

remember, called the Kermit the Frog Club.

Who remembers the show?

Okay, so maybe you don't remember, but we're going to take a look at it anyway.

Here's Cindy Crawford as one of the original Frogateers.

having fun yet? M -I -T.

That's a swell university.

F -R -O -O -G.

Permit fraud. Where's the Z?

Permit fraud.

Where's the Z?

Forever leave our sports expanding house.

All right, okay, that's enough.

Stu, that's the fifth time you've called out your name tonight.

Oh, I'm sorry. I can't help it. I have a short -term memory.

Stu!

Okay, everybody.

Today is Friday, and what does that mean, huh?

It's Friday!

Well, yes, but it's also get -to -know -your -frog -a -tear day.

Oh, I like that. So today, let's meet our newest frog -a -tear, Cinderella

Crawfordopolis. Yay!

Hi, Kermit. Hi there, Cindy. Why don't you tell us a little about yourself? For

example, what are your hobbies?

Well, I like to dress up in really pretty clothes and walk up and down my

driveway. What would you like to do when you grow up? The same thing, but get

paid millions of dollars for it.

Well, Cindy, just in case that doesn't happen to work out, do you have any

ideas of what you'd like to do?

Well, I haven't really thought about it, but it would be really neat, like, if I

could have my own TV show and maybe call it, like, House of Style or something

like that.

And it could be, like, on a music video station.

Then I could maybe segue it into, like, a movie career or something. And maybe

even, like, my own contract with a cosmetics company. That would be really

Yeah, I just want to be a fireman.

Well, wow, what an imagination, huh?

Let's hear it for our... on Cinderella Crawford Upperless.

Oh, Cindy.

Even when you were 14, you were pretty.

Just thinking about you makes me want to do a 60s retro montage fantasy.

I thought love was only true in fairy

tales.

And for someone else, but not for me.

Love was out to get me.

To vote for dope, that's the way it seemed.

Disappointment haunted all my dreams.

Hey, Bobo, Bobo, man, you're ruining my song.

Whoa, how boss.

Mickey Dolenz, what are you doing in my 60s retro montage fantasy?

Hang off my 60s retro alimony.

Hey, you want to finish your song with me? Yeah, cool.

Now I'm a believer.

Not afraid.

Yes. Yes, of course.

I'm a believer.

The monkeys.

Oh, it's so clear to me now.

I've got to find Cindy and declare my eternal love for her.

Attention,

Johnny Fiamma fans.

Now, for a limited time only, you can get Johnny's greatest hits on one album.

You'll get New York, New York.

Oh, I'm sorry. Is that my cue?

You'll also get hooked on a feeling.

Ooga -chock, ooga, ooga, ooga -chock. I can't stop this feeling.

Deep inside.

Ooga -chock, ooga -chock. Sal.

Sal. Yeah, Johnny. What are you doing, Sal?

I'm doing the ooga -chockers. I understand you're ooga -chocking, but

do it while I'm singing. You throw me off.

Sorry, Johnny.

Stop this feeling.

Oh, yes.

Hello. I'm Johnny Fiamma with my associate, Sal.

Hi. And we're very excited about this album. It's a real comer.

Yeah, yeah, Johnny. You're going to make loads of money on this one, just like

on your other albums.

What money? Remember the tax audit thing?

Oh, I forgot. Yeah, yeah. Johnny didn't make no money on them albums. Albums,

yes, yes. Anyway, this album...

is coming right from my heart. And I'd really love you all to buy it. Yeah, not

just because Johnny's in debt, neither.

Oh, and San Diego Bob, if you're watching, stop hanging around Johnny's

You're scaring his ma.

Hey, that is sweet, Sal. You haven't heard anything when you've heard Johnny,

hardly heard you.

Who is that?

Miss a little, and you miss it all.

Excuse me. What are you doing?

I'm harm gigging. It's a bear mating ritual.

I'm going to ask Cindy out on a date.

And I'm going to win her heart with polka oil and fish heads and moss.

Wait a second. You're going to ask Cindy Crawford out on a date?

Cut it out.

I'm warning you. Cut it out.

I happened to love her.

Oh, I thought love was only true.

Oh, no, please. That retro 60s malarkey again. Look, you want help, you ask me.

I'm a regular Rudolph Vermentino, wasn't I?

Ah, who's that city?

Too sexy for my land, too sexy for my land, New York and Japan.

Wow, you are good.

Well, can you help me? You betcha, Bear, but who's washing the security desk for

you? Oh, don't you worry, don't you worry, I got that covered.

It's a dozen cannolis because Dominic Dalvecchio's coming and you know how he

likes to eat. Uh -huh.

Ow! Uh -oh.

You know, Johnny. Yeah, kid. When the light hits you a certain way, you look

awful sharp.

Yeah, kinda, kinda, kinda pretty -like.

Excuse me.

Randy and Randy Pig as Donnie and Art the Shell.

Artie, look at all the girls.

Oh, yes.

What a day.

Look, look, look. Oh, wow.

Donnie, Artie, the eggs are ready.

I just like you like them, fellas.

Sunny side up.

Oh,

now they're over easy.

No, they're over ardent.

I guess the yoke's on him.

I don't get it.

Oh, Stella.

I know that bullet flew a squeal anywhere.

Come on, boys.

Okay.

Oh.

I just forgot what a form -fitting uniform you have.

You mean old jellyfish stung me.

Well, then there's only one thing to do. The poison needs to be sucked out. I'll

start at your lips.

But he stung me on the foot.

Hey, who's the doctor here?

Champ, champ, champ, look, we found a really weird beach ball.

That's not a beach ball, you idiot. It's a World War II mine.

It's a what?

It's a mine.

No, it's a mine.

No, it's a mine. No, it's a mine.

That

just

goes to show a mine is a terrible thing to waste.

For another Honey Glazed episode, I'll pay you a big watch. One.

Testing. One, two, three. Yes, gotcha. Now remember, if you want Cindy to fall

in love with you, listen to your headset and repeat everything I say. Repeat

everything I say?

No, no, no, not yet. No, no, no, not yet. Oh, oh, oh, tease it. Here she

Oh, oh, oh, tease it. Here she comes.

Okay.

Oh, oh, oh, hi, hi. Hi, Cindy.

Hi. Can I talk at you now?

Cindy, to me, you are like the nuts and berries of the forest.

Cindy, to me, a nut like you should be buried in the forest.

What exactly is that supposed to mean, Bobo?

Oh, brother, you sure muffed that one, fatso.

Oh, brother, you sure muffed that one, fatso.

You just call me fatso?

Yeah. No!

I was yelling at my ear.

Talk to butterflies.

You're yelling in your ear.

Yeah. Oh, hi, Uncle Rizzo. We just came back from the fair.

Hey, that's a nice set of balloons you got there. Maybe you'll let me play with

them later.

Maybe you'll let me play with them later.

What?

I wasn't supposed to say that one, was I?

Hey, hello.

again, and welcome to Swift Lips, the bestest game show on TV. I'm your host,

Snooki Blyer, and here are our contestants, Buster and Callbacks

Lithuania! Go Chips!

Uh, fellas, we haven't started playing the game yet. Okay, you're playing for

Winky, a happy little beaver.

Okay, for every correct answer, Winky will get a nice chewy log for his dam.

And by the by, the highly unlikely event that there are no correct answers,

Winky will be eaten alive by our very own Carl the Big Mean Bunny.

Okay, let's give our audience the answer.

The answer is automobile.

All righty. You've got ten seconds. Here come the clues.

You drive it on the road and it has... The Blue Man of Morocco.

Go cheese.

Rutherford B. Hayes. Fellas, fellas, listen to the clues. You put gas in it.

Shakespeare. June 7th, 1951. Will you numbskulls give me a chance?

Nice going.

Sorry about that, Winky.

Better luck next time.

Oh, I guess there won't be a next time.

Thank you.

Origami. Gamal Abdul Nasser. Oh, shut up. Tulips. Marguerite.

What the business? Reward it.

All righty, everyone. We're moving along nicely, smoothly.

Hey, Nigel. Oh, Nigel. Hey, Nigel. Hey, do me a favor, huh? Sounds like I'm

very, very weird. Help me out.

Johnny! Not all Mary comes, huh? Do something for me, would you? Johnny!

Hey, Johnny, I got a pretty flower here.

Johnny!

Cue the next sketch in. Three, two, one, go!

It is time now for politics and punditry from the Eagle's Nest.

My guests tonight are Messrs. Andy and Randy Pig.

Messer, Messer, Messer, Messer, Messer, Messer.

Our topic is noise pollution. Andy Pig, how would you control noise pollution?

By making it nice and quiet.

I'm astonished that answer actually had something to do with the question.

I know. We could put our fingers in our ears. Yeah. That is the stupidest thing

I've ever heard.

Listen, now it is much quieter.

What? What?

What? Now, don't start that routine.

Once that business gets going, there's no end to it. Huh? What? Once that

Christmas you went bowling in Connecticut?

Well, yes, I did. But that has nothing to do with what we're talking about.

What? What? I know how to end this tomfoolery.

What? Take a tingler's trout for your spears. Take our fingers out of our

Okay.

Huh. Every time. Good night, everyone.

What? What? What? What? Oh, I know. Okay.

Oh, Cindy.

Cindy. Hi. Hey, we have a question for you.

Okay. If you are a supermodel, what are your superpowers, yeah?

Well, I can do this.

Wow.

Cool. Cindy, do me. Do me, Cindy, please.

Ladies and gentlemen, come with me now as we take you to an outdoor cafe in the

heart of Barcelona where Cindy Crawford and our own Kermit the Frog sing a very

romantic duet.

We

met

at nine.

We met at eight. I was on time.

No, you were late.

Oh, yes.

I remember it well.

Comet.

We dined with friends.

Bobo, what are you doing? We dined alone. I blew it with Cindy.

Tinner sang.

What did I do? We're on the air.

Yes, I remember it well.

I feel all fuzzy inside. I need some advice. That dazzling April moon.

Bobo, whenever there's someone I have special feelings for, I tell them how I

feel in my own words.

Isn't that kind of corny? I'm a frog. We're not known for our edge. Ah, that's

right. Kermit, are we going to do this number? Oh, I'm sorry, Cindy. It's...

Bobo, not right now.

Cindy?

Yes, Bobo. Could this wait? Because I was in the middle of my song. No. No,

Cindy, it can't.

Cindy, when there's someone I have special feelings for, I tell them how I

And my own words.

And, well, even if those aren't my own words, I mean them.

What are you trying to say, Bobo?

Well, what I'm trying to say is... Oh,

Bobo.

Wow!

Cindy, you know how to hurl the tool?

Oh, let's dance!

Wow, can you believe that bear won the heart of Cindy Crawford?

Yeah, what a bunch of nonsense.

But it's worth a try.

Hmm. Hey, nurse!

Harunga!

Harunga!

Harunga!

Harunga! Well,

this isn't exactly what I had in mind.

No, but it'll do till the nurse gets here.

That's our show for the night. I'd like to thank our special guest star, Cindy

Crawford. Yeah.

Give it up.

Let's hear it for her. Yeah.

Thanks, Crawford.

I had a fun time working with all of you guys tonight.

Except him.

Who are you?

Don't worry. I'll take care of it. What?

That's my Cindy.

Let's bossing over, baby.

All right.

Hey, this better do the job. Relax, Johnny. It works every time.

Uh -huh.

There you are, Johnny. I got a box of chocolates for you. No!

Uh, Sal?

Yeah, Johnny?

You all right?

Yeah, why?

Oh, nothing.

Uh, what are you doing with those chocolates there?

Where did these come from?

Are they yours, Johnny? No, no. No, no. No, no. Uh, let's, uh...

Let's take him home to Mama, huh?

All right.

Johnny Fiamma's taking his chocolates home to his mom.

Thanks, Mom.

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