Original subtitles

Main studio entrance.

Yeah. Okay, have a nice day.

Okay, this is your first day on the job. Let's go over this one more time, okay?

Yes, yes.

I am the security guard. My job is to keep unwanted and or suspicious

from entering these premises.

Good, good. Now, how do you know they can enter? Oh, good one.

I sniff their musk glands, and if the scent is familiar, I let them in.

you check the list. If their name is not on the list, you don't let them in.

Comprendo? Comprendo.

If their name is not on the list, I don't let them in. If their name is not

the list, I don't let them in. Okay, okay, you got it, you got it, you got

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold it up there, uh, big fella. What?

Where you think you're going?

I'm going inside, man. I got a show to do. Uh, sorry, sir, your name is not on

the list.

Oh, come on, I gotta host a show.

Hello?

If your name is not on the list, you don't get in.

Hello? If my name is not on your paycheck, you don't get paid.

Have a good day, sir.

It's Muppet Tonight with our very special guest star, Billy Crystal.

If you're a human being...

Take a break from the race. Take a load off your feet. Watch the look off your

face. Got a lot to do, and we do it for you.

Everybody take your place.

Muppet tonight.

We got the number. Tonight, tonight.

We got the number.

We got a show for you.

Guaranteed brand new. Hang on to Muppet tonight.

Yeah!

Here's the host of our show.

Good evening,

good evening. Welcome to Muppets Tonight.

The show critics everywhere are calling Muppets Tonight.

Our guest this evening is a funny man.

yet a humble man, a comedian who hasn't let stardom go to his head.

Introduce me already.

All right.

Mr. Billy Crystal.

Keep it up.

Billy,

Billy, Billy, yo, yo, yo.

Welcome to Muppets Tonight.

Muppets tonight. Buddy told me I'm doing American Gladiators. Where's Nitro?

Oh, man, it's the Muppets.

Oh, great. I'm allergic to felts. I mean, look at me.

I'm all buffed up and no place to go. I look like the Michelin Man here.

I'm kidding. It's a joke. Did you see what I did here? I wore this whole thing

for you guys because I love the Muppets. I'm glad to be here. Well, we love you

too, Billy. Oh, great. You know, I make a point of going out to see all of your

movies. Oh, good. What's your favorite? When Harry Met Sally.

Oh, that's a good movie.

Boy, and that Meg Ryan.

She's cute.

Yeah, you ought to know.

Don't go there.

All right, I won't.

You know, it's a funny thing. We had a very good chemistry together in that

movie, Meg and I.

But the director, Rob Reiner, well, we weren't really his first. choice at

first. Get out of here. I swear, we both screen tested with different actors and

actresses. Huh? I brought with me a very rare screen test of me and an actress

that you know real well. You want to see it? Yeah.

All right, let's roll the clip.

Uh, Billy, over here.

All right, come on, let's get this now. I'm right on the edge here. I could go

either way.

All right, and the next one that calls me Meathead is going to get it.

When Harry met Sally, screen test, take 73.

Action. All righty. Now, I'd also like to have that with the mayo and onions on

the side and French fries on the side. It's the end.

You know what, Sally? You are what my mother would call a good eater.

The only thing you didn't order was a side of beef.

Oh, oh, oh, that's a good idea. A side of beef.

There's no more room on the side. Put it right in the middle so she won't have

to reach.

Don't put new words in your vocabulary, okay?

I'm full.

No,

I couldn't possibly eat more marble cake.

Oh, Sally.

It was a disaster. She canceled.

She had a bad cold.

Are you sure she had a cold?

Yes, I'm sure she had a cold. I heard a sneeze twice.

Oh,

Harry, Harry, Harry, your naivete is très amuse -moi. Did you ever think she

have faked the sneeze to get out of the date with you?

Faked the sneeze? Yes, yes. No way.

Listen, Harry, take it from moi. Most women at one time or another have...

Take it out of a date.

Really? Well, excusez -moi, miss I'm -jealous -of -babe.

You don't think that I can tell the difference between a real sneeze and a

sneeze?

have what she's having.

Only less pepper.

There's a lot to be said for this program.

Too bad you can't say it on a family show.

Roll three, say five, and go!

Somebody get me a coffee!

All right, boys, boys. Now, I have a very easy task for you, all right? Oh,

good. That doesn't sound so hard.

No, I thought it was going to be much worse.

No, no, I haven't explained it yet.

All right, now.

This is a button. Wait, wait, slow down.

Now, this is a button. You press it once and the house lights will go on. You

press it again and the house lights will go off. What happens when you press

these two buttons? No, no, no, don't press that.

Cool. Oh, man,

I love it. Come on, I can't get enough of it. Come on, come on. Tell me how I

look. Come on, do it again. Billy, come on. Don't make me do it again, please.

My mom told me that used to be funny.

Okay, all right, last time for your mom, all right? All right, for my mom.

Cliff, darling, with your crazy cats in your head, you look malice, okay?

No, no, no, no. Now, how would Muhammad Ali respond to that?

Oh, Cliff, come on. He's going to do Ali. He's going to do Ali. Come on, Ali.

Ali. Ali.

Ali. Ali.

Okay, okay.

Everybody's talking about Joe Frazier. I want to talk about Joe Frazier. I like

your show.

I admire your style. But you pay so cheap, I ain't going to be back for a

All the time.

Billy, Billy.

What if Sammy Davis Jr.

walked in the room? Do it,

do it. All right, I'll do Sammy, my little cheddar chomping chum.

I love being in show business, which is the business of doing a show, especially

with you Muppets, and I mean that. I'm excited.

See, that's what we want for the closing number. Closing number?

Well, you know, I've done that so many times, I'd really like to do something

different. Let me throw something at you, okay? Watch out, everybody!

He's got a grip!

Fellas, come back. Come back here.

Come here.

Come on now. Come on.

I want to play some jazz.

You know, like a musical number, an old -fashioned jazz number. I got my own

band coming. Big names are going to be here in about ten minutes. Sounds good

me. Great. But you know what would be even better? What's that? If Muhammad

could be the band leader. No, no, please.

Did somebody call for a doctor?

Hello?

Oh, yes, an excellent choice for reconstructive surgery.

Melt, you're the musical number.

Yes, excellent choice.

In the jungle, the quiet jungle, the lion sleeps tonight.

What are you telling me, Sammy?

I'm about to do my first political commentary program, and two of my

distinguished guests, CNN's Larry King and our very own Mr. Poodlepants, have

not yet shown up.

So what you're scoping out for is two happening cats to hang out with you on

your rap show.

I have no idea what you're talking about. Just get me two guests for my

please, please.

You don't want just anybody.

Yes, yes, I'm desperate. I'll take anyone.

Well, in that case, I got just the guys for you. Oh, good.

Mr. Larry King, I bet you have a very good excuse for standing me up.

Hey, I'm Larry King. I'm a guest on the Muppet Show tonight.

Buzz me right in.

Uh, I'm sorry, sir. Your name again?

King, Larry King, what are you doing? You're expecting me inside. I got to get

in. Come on. All righty, all right. King, Larry King. Larry King.

I got a Larry Keane.

I got a Larry Klimas.

No, King, sir. Sorry. Have a good day, huh? I don't believe this. Listen, I'm

Larry King. I'm on in 220 countries.

Oh, you tipped your hand there.

I know you're a phony.

What are you talking about? I happen to know for a fact that there are only 191

countries. Here, let me see.

Now, right here, Larry, look here.

There's one.

I don't believe it. Here's two.

Two, and there's another one. Look, another one. Three.

Four here.

And now it's time for politics and punditry from the eagle's nest.

Good day. I am Sam Eagle, and let's talk politics.

Our distinguished panel today includes Mr.

Sandy and Randy Pig.

Hey, wait. You are a poof. No, you're a double poof with a poof on top. I am

not. You are a two. I am not.

Our topic today is taxes.

What is your opinion of the new tax bill? My name isn't Bill. Yeah, why are

calling him Bill? His name is Randy.

I'm not Randy. I'm Andy.

Good, then I must be Bill.

No, no, no, no, no. A tax bill in the house.

Why do you want to attack Bill in his house? Just telling him, Bill. Yeah,

thanks, Bill.

And they say purgatory doesn't exist.

Oh, here I am, here I am. Oh, I'm sorry I'm late there, Mr. Eagle. You know, the

Twirly Woo Trolley stopped me at Checkpoint Chuckle because I didn't have

-pack board.

Unfortunately, that explanation is the most logical thing I've heard in the

five minutes. Mr.

Poodlepan, what is your opinion of Texas?

Oh, Texas, the Longhorn State. And speaking of Longhorns, woo -hoo!

Evelyn! Swim to your lights, Bill!

I'm way ahead of you, Bill!

Don't be ridiculous.

We're in a soundstage.

There's not going to be... Oh,

I'll get you for this, Larry King, wherever you are.

All right, there you go.

172. And there's 173.

And 174. Wait, wait, wait.

St. Kitts and Nevis are two countries. No, no, no, sir. No, Larry. It's a

constitution. No, no. No, constitutional monarchy. Single federation.

Let's see. Oh, oh, great.

Great. I lost my place.

Okay. There we go. There's one.

There are two.

You following me, Larry? You with me?

And now, in the tradition of fun smoke and sappy trails, Muppets Tonight

presents Billy Crystal in City Stickers.

Here we are, three big city comedians on a cattle drive. You know, this is

exactly what we needed. Just smell that fresh country air.

Fresh country air? I smell stale dairy air.

Did you see what I did there, Kermit? I took what you said, the country air, and

I made a dairy because of the cows and into a joke.

Ooh,

rough canyon, I'll tell you that right now.

Hey, quit horsing around.

It's bad when the horses are funnier than us, huh? Let's sing!

Boy, that ended quick. I must have been channeling Roy Rogers.

Hey, I think the cows liked it. I don't know. That cow in the maternity dress

didn't like it.

Oh, no, no. Cows don't wear maternity dresses. No? They wear momos.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let's make a pact, okay?

The next one who says a pun gets it right between the eyes, okay? Because

getting steamed.

Hey, Billy, you have to do something. That cow back there is about to have a

calf. I can't do anything. I ordered a decaf.

But you got me doing it.

Billy, please, help me.

Oh, no.

All right, I'll do it. I'll deliver the calf.

And if you don't deliver it in 30 minutes, we get it free.

Stop it!

Hey,

look what I made. I made a...

I made a mistake. That's what I made.

Come on, let's sing, because we have no ending. Good idea.

No more singing!

Stampede! Oh, no!

That bit was breathtaking.

Careful. You may not have too many...

Get my nitroglycerin!

I'll just have a glass of warm milk.

Sir?

And now, a continuing saga of America's oldest and fattest family, the Tubmans

of Portsmouth.

Mr. Tubman, sir?

Yes? I have terrible news.

Don't tell me we're out of gooseberries again.

Carter, how many times do I have to tell you?

Buy in bulk. If you're not buying in bulk... No, sir, it's a telegram.

Your great -aunt Polly has died.

Oh, that's awful.

Pat the head cheese, would you, Carter? You don't understand, sir.

She's left you ten million dollars.

Oh, this is excellent!

But, sir, there's a catch.

What? It says you'll only get the money if you lose 100 pounds

by noon on Tuesday the 12th.

Good grief, Carter.

Today is Tuesday the 12th. And it's almost noon.

Quick, quick, the treadmill.

Come on.

I'll help you, sir. Push the table out. Okay.

No, no, no. Here, grab a hold. Grab a hold. Okay, sir. Not the neck, sir. Pull

me.

Okay,

Carter. How am I doing?

Not very good, sir.

What? You've only lost six ounces so far.

Well, then crank it up faster.

Yes, sir.

There you go.

That'll do it. How am I doing?

Well, a little better.

You're up to eight ounces.

At this rate, I'll never get that inheritance.

All right, turn it up full speed.

But, sir... Do it, man.

Very well, sir.

Okay.

2 ,000 beats per minute. Is that good?

Well, sir, you've actually gained two pounds.

Oh, this will never do.

Turn this blasted thing off.

Very well, sir.

Oh, it's raining cheesecake.

Sir, another telegram. What? Your Aunt Polly has recovered.

Well, that's impossible.

She's dead.

But you know how very stubborn she is.

Yes, yes, okay.

Well, so much for the million dollars.

But let's look at the bright side.

Yes, the bright side is I've worked up a powerful appetite.

Bring on the chicken and dumplings, Carter.

And don't... Gimp on the gravy like you did last time.

Very well, sir.

Yes!

Johnny Fiamma coming through. Make way for Johnny Fiamma.

Okay.

Take care. Bye -bye.

Right back at you, buddy. Bye -bye.

Johnny Fiamma. Coming through. Hold it up there, J. Fred Muggs. Where do you

think you're going? This is Johnny Fiamma. He's booked on tonight's show.

out of the way, smoky butt head.

That's one.

Let me take a look at my list here.

Let's see. We got Johnny Depp, Johnny Ola, Larry King.

Oh, he is on the list.

Hey, come on, come on, come on. You got Johnny Fiamma waiting over here. He is a

very important performer.

So hurry it up, yogi butt head.

That's two.

Listen to me, Bear.

You let Johnny Fiamma in, or I'm gonna make a throw rug out of you and put you

in Johnny's bathroom!

You, you, you grizzly... Butthead? Yeah!

And that's three.

Come here, you... Hey, Sal.

I just checked the schedule. I'm not even on the show tonight, huh?

You better laugh.

Yeah, that's funny, Johnny.

Hey, come on, Sal. Quit fooling around with your new buddy. Let's get out of

here, huh?

Johnny Fiamma's leaving the building!

Hey, Sal, that is one nutty way to stop a cab.

All right, ready to cue camera one.

Let's set up for the banks in Bacanova in three, two, one, cue.

What are you doing? I don't care about what.

You tell Billy the bad news. No way, you tell him. No, you tell him. Why should

I? I have to tell him. Because I'm the man and you're the rat. I've got genetic

seniority. Oh, brother, what bad news?

Soylent Green is people?

Everybody knows that. Come on, tell me, what's the bad news?

They shot Sonny on the causeway?

The National League adopted the DH?

We're not in Kansas anymore?

What is it? It's about the big all -star band you put together. Oh, I know. I'm

excited, too. This band is unbelievable.

You tell him. No, you tell him. No, no, you tell him. No, you tell him, man.

Come on, tell him.

Fellas, fellas, fellas, somebody just tell me.

They didn't show up. You don't have a band. No band, no bebop, Billy. Yeah, I

guess we have to cancel the number. Yeah. Wait a second. Wait, we don't have

cancel the number.

We can still do the number. Wow.

I'll do it with you guys.

Oh, no, I'm not very musical. I can't even clap.

Oh, you'd be surprised, Rizzo, how much music you have inside you. And,

Clifford, you got a lot of jazz in you.

Huh. So that's what kept me up all night.

Yeah, I mean...

We can do this number. See, jazz is a feeling. It's deep inside you. We can do

this.

First you take some skins.

Jazz begins.

Then you take a bass.

Now we're getting some bass.

Take a rap.

Make them scat.

Rock, rock, rock, rock, rock, roll from the east to the west.

That's jazz.

Yes. Yes, did you feel that, Clifford? I felt it all over my mouth. It came out

from inside you. Big time.

Big time. Big time.

All right, all right, all right.

Let's give it up for Mr.

Billy Crystal.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

I had a great time, Clifford. You see, we didn't even need the all -star band.

Wait, wait. You know,

I wonder whatever happened. to that band.

Hmm.

I'm sorry, I don't have anything on the list for a Billy Crystal band.

No Clinton, no Yeltsin, no Eastwood, no Reagan.

Please don't flirt with me, Your Majesty.

Back of the line, young lady.

Bye.

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