Original subtitles

Previously on Forgive Me.

All of this is a long way off.

You've got a lot of life left in you.

No, that depends.

On these treatments, the chemo, the radiation therapy.

I'm just not sure that I want to do it.

Look, this isn't you.

I'm taking you to see my doctor now.

Using in vitro, using a donor.

Those are sins, yeah.

Why?

Why are they sins?

What did Jesus ever say about in vitro fertilization?

Well, nothing.

The scripture tells us that children are a gift.

I want my gift.

If he wants you to have a child

within is purview you will if it's His will.

What you're talking about is tampering with His will.

It's simple enough.

But, it's not simple to me.

Sorry.

I know I look a fright.

No, no, I didn't know you were there.

Please don't look at me that way.

I don't want sympathy.

You've been kinder than that.

Oh, my vision is going.

I can read it for you.

No, no, no, they're my sins, Father.

I don't want there to be any confusion

for the man upstairs.

I let my roommate win a Cha Cha contest.

I mean, in a bar see?

I mean I won it, but she was so livid

that I turned around and I gave the prize to her.

It was ridiculous, and she took it.

You have a roommate?

No, no, it was when we did the Cha Cha without irony.

Is that a sin?

Well, it's a sin to feel worthless,

not take what you want, not to acknowledge yourself.

Well, maybe you were the bigger person,

but it's fine.

Go ahead.

You're not gonna argue with me?

That is one creepy smile.

Oh.

I lied about a boy hitting me, and my brother beat him up.

I smoked put, but I didn't know if it was a sin or not.

If it gave you the munchies it might be gluttony.

Yes, well.

I slept with a professor.

Were you coerced?

Not even a little.

I withheld sex from my husband for years.

When I was in a rush at the library,

I put things on the wrong shelf,

in the right section Dewey Decimal wise,

but not right alphabetically,

and then I worried for the rest of my life

that some poor undergrad got a B-minus

instead of a B because they couldn't find the right books.

You're really not very talkative today.

I didn't want to sound sympathetic.

I asked you not to look sympathic.

I didn't ask you not to sound sympathetic.

Please, cut me some slack.

I don't always know what to say.

I realize that there's an expectation, but I don't always.

Did something happen?

I don't want to talk about my troubles.

We're here for you.

Well, I never liked that dynamic.

I never tolerated a one-way friendship or relationship.

This is a special circumstance.

A confession is one-sided.

Well, you'd get a lot more action in here

if it was interactive.

I'm sorry.

I've experienced some trials recently.

I just, I don't want to let you down.

I need to be the priest that you want me to be.

Oh, you are an excellent priest.

You've had me in here three times already,

the only three times since the 60's.

I was surprised that I even came once.

I did not intend to come back.

I'm glad you did.

If you can bring this black sheep back into the fold

you are a good priest.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Have you told your daughter?

No, I haven't decided anything.

What about the other thing?

What other thing?

Taking your life?

Oh, I did ask my brother.

He said he'd help me.

How?

Oh, we didn't get into a plan, but I thought pills,

and then I read somewhere that you could get the shot

from a vet, what they use to kill dogs.

You want to be put down like a dog?

I just want to go to sleep, not wake up.

I don't know why that seems so unreasonable to people.

I hope that it's God's will.

It's not death I'm afraid of.

I just want to skip the cancer, the wasting,

the turning into a breathing skeleton,

the lungs filling with pus, the Morphine drip.

I'm following in my mother's footsteps.

That's what she went through.

And, it's what you don't want

your daughter to see.

Did you get a chance to say goodbye to your mother?

Many times over.

I mean, can you imagine what it'd be like

if you didn't know that she was sick?

If she just died without any sort of reconciliation,

without a goodbye?

I have a feeling you know.

Yeah, I do.

My dad wasn't sick, but he died of a heart attack.

I wasn't really talking to him.

We hadn't seen each other in a couple of years,

so I didn't rush down.

I didn't really have an idea of how serious it was.

He died in the hospital while I was in the elevator

on the way up to see him.

The whole time, the whole time the only thing

my stepmother told me was,

"Maybe you want to think about coming down."

It's hard for people to talk about dying.

Yes, it is.

And, it's not my job to sit here and harp on you

about whether or not to tell your daughter that you're sick.

I just, I really really think that she deserves

the opportunity to say goodbye.

Thank you for telling me that.

I was thinking more about the hurt of being there.

I was not thinking about the hurt of not being there.

Dying is an essential part of life.

That's why there's the sacrament.

You know, you wouldn't miss the birth of a child.

Nobody should miss the death of a parent.

Well, I will think about that.

Now, I can't counsel you that killing yourself

or having somebody help you do it

is anything but a mortal sin,

and there won't be any more confessing after that.

What I confess it now?

Well, you can confess the thought not the deed.

That seems like a technicality.

Nonetheless.

All right, what's the sentence?

How many millennia in Hell for that mortal sin?

I don't know.

Google it.

I'm not gonna sit here and pretend that I know

the answer to things that nobody could possibly know.

I'm not sure that's not your job.

The church believes in proportionate

and disproportionate means of treatment,

so as a Catholic you're only obligated

to seek a proportionate means of treatment

to extend your life or to extend the life of somebody else.

You're not in any way obliged

to seek extraordinary measures.

To forego treatment is not the same thing as suicide.

So, if I don't have my kidney operation on Wednesday

it's not a sin?

What are they doing to your kidney?

It's blocked, it's just blocked.

They're gonna put a stint in, so that it will slow,

or I'll die in a few days or a week.

That's very sad.

That's how I found out that my cancer was fatal.

The surgeon, he asked me if I wanted a functioning kidney.

I said, "Why wouldn't I want a functioning kidney?"

He said, "Well, kidney failure ain't a bad way to go."

Ouch.

So, I had it done.

It's blocked again.

But, it will extend your life?

Yes.

By quite a bit?

Presumably.

Not years, not long.

Weeks, maybe a couple of months.

A lot can happen in a couple of months.

If I do this, I don't think I'll recover.

I don't think I would put a stint in my kidney

and be able to resume business as usual.

I think I would be committing

to spending the rest of my time in a hospital somewhere.

Did the surgeon say that?

He was more optimistic

after I suggested I forego it and die.

Well.

I think you have a lot more to do.

More than a week's worth.

We haven't even gotten through your 50 years of sins.

They're yours now.

Just make sure that God knows

that they're my sins and not yours.

I'm sure that He knows.

If I tell my daughter, what if she can't handle it?

What if she goes on a drug or a drunk binge?

It took everything out of me to help her

when I was healthy.

I can't stop a spiral from a sick bed.

You have a family, so does she.

Brothers.

Tell your sons to be prepared

that now they have to take care of their sister,

take her to meetings, take her to treatment.

What if she spirals out of control,

and you're not there at all?

You know what upsets me most?

I finally felt I was getting my shit together.

I was never one of those people who reveled in the past

or realized too late that I was a beautiful girl

or felt that another decade was my hey day.

I floundered through so much of my life

worrying about being ladylike, being a good mother,

but basically I was getting better and better

at being me.

When my body finally started to sag

it felt like it finally fit.

I was just starting to relax.

At least you got there.

Well yeah.

I've lived a long life.

It'll be slightly less than the average,

but nobody will say that I died tragically young.

I don't think that most people

even find a measure of peace within themselves

no matter how long they live.

No, my mother certainly did not.

What about you?

It must be hard being on the other side of the booth

listening to all the worst things that everybody did.

I mean, I could never do it.

I would really kill myself.

I feel lucky most of the time.

Some people, they just struggle so much.

Their demons make my demons look like sea monkeys,

and yeah, other times I just feel useless.

I mean, I can't help anybody.

I can forgive people, I can absolve people,

but I can't change anything for them.

You help me.

You've got me praying again.

No, not just the Hail Mary's.

I'm praying for people again

because when you pray you are forced

to think about what matters the most.

I pray for you.

Thank you.

I mean, you may be the only one who does.

God hears.

Tell him I'm not crazy about the bald spot.

Tell him yourself.

Oh, I don't want to appear petty or vain.

It's not a sin to care about how you look.

Vanity is caring only about how you look.

You're very lenient.

It's not a sin to miss your hair,

or to wish that you were healthy, or to fear death.

It's not death I fear, it's the dying.

You see the difference?

Of course.

I'm perfectly happy with the Kingdom of God.

I look forward to Heaven.

I want to see the people that I've lost.

I want to see.

I want to see Gus.

The baby.

The baby that you lost.

I believe you will.

Will he still be a baby?

I hope he's full grown.

I always have this image of him in my mind.

He looks like his brothers, but he's the handsomest,

and he's the happiest because he never had to go through

all the BS of this world, and he didn't have to be

afraid of me to keep him in line

or stupid on drugs because of bitter parents

not believing in love.

Maybe it's all true.

Won't be long now.

If you play your cards right.

Sorry.

I don't know how you can believe in Heaven

if you don't believe in Hell.

You know what?

I'm sorry.

When I said that you had

more than a week's worth of things to do,

when I said that your kidney operation

wasn't an extraordinary measure, it's completely your ...

I know it's my decision.

Don't worry, Father.

Your sway over me is not so complete.

I barely know you.

I just don't want you to feel

like I took any options away from you.

Don't presume that you could.

You're a little afraid of yourself.

Just keep out of your own way, Father.

Take this advice from an old woman.

You just say what you think.

Everybody drives their own car anyway.

You're a backseat driver at best.

Hey.

I think of myself as a headlights.

People need you desperately in their darkest hour,

but when the sun shines they ignore you.

Well, no.

We do get to do a lot of fun stuff.

I've been to so many wedding receptions.

That's your idea of fun

because you'll never have your own wedding.

Well, weddings are fun.

Sometimes.

It's the rest of the marriage that's another story.

It's not necessarily a better life than what you have.

We're taught to think of it as a higher calling.

I don't see it that way anymore.

It's just the calling for me, I think.

I just don't see how God would make anybody higher.

I just feel like we all just play our own part, you know?

I don't know if I'll be able to come back.

If I don't have the surgery I might come back,

but if I do I'll have to recover,

and I don't know if I'll be able

to be up and walking around.

I'll come to you.

Wherever you are.

I'll come to a hospital.

I'll come to a hospice.

My children would think the sky had fallen.

Well, the offer stands.

You just put in a call to the parish.

I don't really see that happening,

but I want to thank you.

I didn't know how much I needed to talk.

You're going to make an excellent priest and a good man.

Thanks.

Your absolution.

Oh.

You know, I think you were right.

I think all I ever really wanted was to forgive myself,

and if after you read that I can be forgiven

do your magic.

Are you gonna be okay to get home?

I'm fine.

Bookie, what's your real name?

I think Bookie is the realest name I ever had.

I don't want you to go.

Not if you're still contemplating suicide.

You know I'm going to sin between now and my death

no matter what it is, bad thoughts.

Maybe I'll probably curse God

now that we're on speaking terms.

Just thought I'd confess in advance.

Still trying to cheat.

Just like the math test in college.

Even now on the biggest test in life.

I got away with it then.

Hi.

You're the doctor?

Is this awkward for you?

It's fine.

Come with me.

Is it fine for you?

It's completely fine.

So, this is it right here, this spot.

What is it?

It's a spot.

Is it cancer?

We don't know yet, but I really don't think so.

Tumor?

Maybe, but you know, we just don't know

if it's growing yet.

Am I gonna die?

Possibly.

Not of this.

It's very small and we know where it is.

It's causing hallucinations.

There could be some neuroepithelial damage,

but it's more likely that your insomnia

is what's actually causing those hallucinations.

It seems to me that the visitations started first

and caused the insomnia.

That would be one explanation, but not a scientific one.

Could the thing cause the insomnia?

It could, but we don't know yet.

So, we don't really know much of anything.

Well, it's not like religion.

So?

We're gonna continue to do some testing,

but if it starts to grow

then you're gonna need some treatment.

It's probably gonna include radiation

maybe some radio surgery,

but that's only gonna be if it grows.

Well, and only if you want to interfere with God's will.

What are you thinking?

I have a mass in my head.

What's it about?

It's about two millimeters.

♪ God forbid

♪ It ever happens to me

♪ Fine on the outside

♪ Different story in

♪ God forbid

♪ It ever happens to me

♪ What if it's in my genes

♪ And how my story ends

♪ Amen

Next time on Forgive Me.

Listen to me, you're holding onto a thought

for your entire life.

It's a fallacy that makes sense to a boy.