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A miracle we got out of that situation and delivered the flying machine to the

Da Vinci Museum. And I have no interest in rehashing how we did it. But it was

no thanks to you, Saltine. What's going on with you?

I don't know. Nothing, I guess.

Why is she so moody lately? I think I know. You know how it was her birthday

last week? Yes, as I recall, she took her birthday noogies quite well.

Well, her parents didn't call her, didn't send a card, nothing.

Wow, and you guys were mad at me for getting her a scale as a gift. Guess I'm

looking pretty...

No, you still look bad. But not by comparison, Agatha. You have to admit

comparison, I look great.

Even though Saltine plays it down, the fact that her parents disowned her for

becoming an archie obviously still bothers her sometimes.

I just don't get why they think being an archie is so bad.

It's not like we're looties, always stealing and looting, which, as we all

is how they got their name. Families can be tricky, Rip. Hmm, perhaps you're

right. You know, I have a lot of experience with complicated family

relationships myself. Growing up in Brazil, my twin brother Zip and I had a

of issues with our parents. Okay, I think I know what I need to do.

The fuck, DJ?

Is this really necessary, Rip?

What do you mean? Why did you blindfold me?

So you wouldn't know where we were going. Okay, but then why did you

me? Made it easy to get the blindfold on. And then why did you also blindfold

Fleety? We thought it'd be cute.

Honestly, it's just magnifying how jacked up his teeth are.

Okay,

we're here.

My parents' house?

Business reasons, naturally. I'm trying to train you to become a full Archie,

but you've been way too moody lately at work. And I know it's because of your

bad relationship with your parents. So? So, I can't have a distracted assistant.

It puts all of our lives at risk. So I'm here to help fix your relationship with

your parents once and for all. Called team?

We told you never to come back here. We were very clear.

We were very clear.

You have been disowned.

Okay, if someone told me this family was functional, I'd say, oh, you forgot the

desk. I gotta say, this is quite a bounty for unwelcomed guests.

Of course, we're not animals. Cookie?

You're supposed to say no three times. It's a Persian thing. Oh, no, thank you.

Please, I insist.

No, really, I'm okay. For you, I'm sure eating a cookie is nothing, but for me,

it would be everything.

Uh, no?

Eat this cookie or I will walk into the ocean with my pockets full of stones!

Now you can eat it. Oh, thank God.

All right, let's repair this... Maybe if you guys just hug really hard. I'd

rather hug a bug.

Okay, Saltine, you didn't warn me your mom is a full -tilt snap queen.

Being an arty is utterly shameful.

No, it is not. It's shameless.

Rip, that's all so bad.

Oh, man, what is with the English language?

So many twists and turns, right?

I wish we were having this conversation in my native Portuguese.

Sultan, you disobeyed our wishes.

One, we wish for you to have perfect vision. And two, we wish for you not to

pursue archaeology. What's so bad about being an archie? It's not like we're

looties, the scum of the whole earth.

Archies are worse.

They are reckless. Yeah, that's true. They're glory seekers.

Can't argue with that. They're buffoon. Guilty. They lack a moral compass. If

you hadn't said moral, I'd be arguing with you so much right now. But yeah,

one is also accurate. Their lifestyles are an unending parade of sex. And

Yep, and hard drugs, too. They make the sex better. Or worse, depending on your

goals and or sensitivity level. This is like Sir Osworth's nightmare rip.

Pointless. There's nothing you can say. We don't like arcs.

Even mine?

Yes, you.

More than anyone.

Well, you can hate me all you want, but it's ridiculous to dislike your own

daughter. I mean, I don't know how to put it any more clearly.

Saltine is a sock dollager.

A Dutch snorter. Hell, she's got more moxie than old copper knob. I don't

understand a word you're saying. What? You got Chesapeake crabs in your ears

or...

Talk to me that way in my house. Get out!

Now leave us. So we can resume our simple life. Listening to the blissful

of the Chesapeake Bay.

I'm going, Pegira. The Harrisons are starting another construction project?

it never end?

The only thing worse than the arches are the Harrisons and their non -stop noisy

construction projects.

Goodbye!

What the hell?

It's not the Harrisons.

Dig, my friends, dig!

It's a wonderful day!

Why are you destroying our private property?

It better be because you're planning on burying yourselves alive.

I'm going to show you that archaeology isn't just about glory -seeking. It's

useful as well.

This region used to be home to the Poetan tribe. If we find evidence of a

settlement, the whole area will be protected by the Historic Preservation

The Harrisons will have to stop construction, and you'll get your peace

quiet back. See?

Archaeology rocks the...

The last thing I want to do is admit that I'm impressed.

So I won't. But just know that I'm dying to. Well, it was all Saltine's idea.

Because Saltine is into archaeology for the right reasons. You don't say.

I do.

Loudly.

Would you look at that?

Algonquin earthenware made of clay and triturated muscle shell.

By Joe Blake.

See,

guys? Archees aren't all bad. Maybe I could even find evidence of a Yahaken,

which is not the same thing as a wigwam. Bet you thought it was. Yet another

example of how Arky's pwned Jen Pop.

And, uh, a wee dick I like all the awesome.

Clunk? But I was just shoveling for effect.

I got a stream list. I thought you didn't want me to do that anymore.

Yeah, I know, but when those likes start rolling in, it feels so damn good. Now

go... What's good? It's the big bitch, Swaggy Aggie, coming at you live from

Chesapeake Bay. Rip his dead ass doing some crazy shit, IRL.

Everyone knows Blackbeard was decapitated by Virginia's governor in

his head was displayed on a pike at the mouth of the Chesapeake Bay. But few

knew his crew buried his body in a location most hidden. Until now.

I have discovered Blackbeard, too!

What's that in his pocket?

Just a blank sheet of paper? No, it's a treasure map.

Blackbeard's treasure.

You're holding it backwards, and you just showed everyone on Earth. Uh -oh,

Nation. Did the Rip Dog just F up big time? Sound off in the comments.

Rip, this is a circus. What's happening?

Once in a while, some sort of treasure map goes public, and it brings every

out of the woodwork for a treasure hunt. Or as arkies call it, a fortune

pursuit. That's your picture with Blackbeard. Hydrate with love. Wayne,

sign? my dog's butthole? Bella Torres, what will you do if you find the

treasure? Well, I've essentially been in a coma since 2011, so the first thing

I'm going to do is pay off the fines on all my overdue library books. I've had

the immortal life of Henrietta Lacks checked out for over a decade. Well, I

think I speak for all of our viewers when I say, you're a fucking nerd.

Wow. I've never seen anything like this. That's right. This is your first

fortune pursuit since joining the council.

We always watch these things from our hot air balloons far from the riffraff

below. I opened this Beaujolais Nouveau and the bouquet is more of an aroma.

Where's the trash can? When you're in the council, the world's your trash can.

Okay.

Yep. One year sober today.

Congrats. Gotta feel great. Because I was one of those mean drunks. One drop

alcohol and I'd start karate chopping people in the throat until they'd

barf, but now I'm sober!

This is a disaster, Rick! Yeah, I'm trying to help you. I've really stepped

the proverbial turkey diarrhea. Is that an expression? Well, I do have idiom

blindness, but I'm 100 % sure it's a very common slang. Anywho, the only way

fortune pursuit comes to an end is when the treasure's been found.

Then we better find it, or my parents will never undisown me. Actually, mind

we join? What?

Mom? Dad?

Martin, it's time we tell you the truth. I'm going to be a big sister?

No, we used to be archies. And we're going to help you pursue that fortune.

The fuck?

You took the exact words and pronunciation out of my mouth.

Okay, is this some sort of... of practical joke to checking because

i'm not able to detect that kind of thing no saltine before you were born we

were our keys but then we decided to give it up we didn't want to raise you

such a hedonistic environment but now we see that you're not like those

degenerates you are in archaeology for the right reason and your head is

on straight well the only reason my head is on so straight is because you guys

are the ones who screwed it on.

Well, the only reason we were able to screw it on so straight is because the

hole we were screwing it into was such a pliant screw hole receptacle thingy

place. Come on. Aw, Mom.

So you don't mind if we team up? Of course not. This is great. Yeah, great.

Just one question, though. If you guys were archies, how come I haven't heard

you? It was before we moved to America, and we were never famous like you. Well,

Oprah... Regardo, I was and remain famous, the best thing one can be. But

irregardulous, if that's true, I don't want to get slowed down by a bunch of

-of -practice archers who haven't been in the field for decades.

It'll be hard enough to figure out where the fortune is on my own. Hmm, let me

see the map. It's an island, but no island in the Chesapeake is shaped like

this. That is probably due to global warming. This map was drawn 300 years

When the sea levels were lower. If you trim away the coastline here and here,

voila! That's Watts Island. Whoa!

Scorp?

the parental unit.

I mean, yeah, I was kind of a lucky guy saying I am the one who found the map.

What was that, Rippy? You're kind of trailing off. Nothing.

All right, Swooper, gas up the submersible because we're about to get

By using this state -of -the -art submersible, nobody will be able to

Someone's following us. Caramba!

Hello, Rippy.

I saw you taking off in a hurry and I figured you must have a lead. I don't

if I follow you in my much better... Super gutted! Aye, aye, sir.

Now you're stuck, idiot!

Stupid seaweed elasticity!

Super watch out! A shoal of mackerel! And a risk of lobsters! And a consortium

of crabs!

Those are all the actual terms you know.

isn't feeling so good.

Cornelia, is that you?

Kiss me, my darling.

With tongue, of course.

Oh, no, we're doomed.

Cooper is our lone pilot.

No one else can drive a submarine, even though it looks super easy like you just

pointed the way you want to go. Not so fast.

One arm on it. You think you can lose Zane? Dream on, blood chief.

See that off the head? That smack of jellyfish? Exactly what I was thinking.

A smack?

Can't even say Triscuit. Goddamn squeegee, the jellyfish.

Okay, confession time.

When I said I could deep -sea dive on my resume, that was not true.

Mom, I didn't know you could drive a submarine. Of course. There's lots I can

drive. Aircraft, watercraft, spacecraft.

Your father crazy.

Oh, hey!

I hate to interrupt a fuckfest over there, but our submersible isn't looking

good. We gotta fix it up pronto.

Got it. So why don't I go with my parents to find the treasure and you and

Swooper can fix the sub?

Oh, yeah, I guess so. Or Swooper can just work on it while I go with you

Or I could stay and help Swooper. Yes, you not joining us would be perfect.

Oh, Saltine, we have so much to catch up on.

Agatha, there's something I want you to do for me.

Open Safari, type in HTTPS colon backslash backslash google

.com and then type the following into the search window within the browser

the buttons on your desktop computer's wording.

How great is it that Saltine and her parents are getting along now? They're

basically just like three peas in a pod. Just like you wanted, Rippy.

And heck, now that Saltine knows her parents are also Archies, it's only a

matter of time before she leaves us and starts working with them. You must be

really happy that you're planning to reunite Saltine with her parents who's

worked out so well. Maybe they'll even hire me and Agatha. That's it!

I need to stretch my gams.

I think ramchata.

Agatha, you genius.

Rip, over here. We found the treasure chest. Yeah, that's nice and all, but it

pales in comparison to the shocking news I've come to impart.

Your parents didn't voluntarily give up being Arcees. They were expectant.

Failed from the Arky Union after they were caught looting archaeological

You're not Arky's. You're Lutie's. The lowest of the low. As mentioned multiple

times recently.

Mom? Dad?

Is that true?

Yes. There was a time that we were real Arky's. Well on our way to reputable

careers. But we lost sight of what mattered and became Lutie's. So that's

real reason you didn't want Saltine to become an Arky. You hated the Arky

community for rightfully exiling you and couldn't... Stay on the thought of her

becoming a part of it.

Exactly. We've spent the past 20 years trying to avoid the Archie world.

Everything's well better the way they were.

We don't want to taint your good Archie name before you've even begun. You

shouldn't have to pay for our mistakes.

Precisely and well said. Well, let's go, Saltine, back to being fully and

comfortably estranged.

Why are you doing this, Rip? Wasn't the whole point of this trip to repair my

relationship with my parents? Well, yeah, of course. But I wanted that for

selfish reasons. You can't leave me to go work with your parents. That ruins

whole plan.

Even if it would make me happy? Yes, exactly.

Now you get it. I'm sorry, Rip. I can't abandon my family. Well, I thought we

were family, Saltine. You're like a father to me.

Saltine, would you do to this treasure chest as you've done to our hearts?

I ever?

Great work, family.

We did it. Dang, Mom and Dad, we make a great team.

Oh, isn't that heartwarming?

Dang. Well, hello, everyone.

What's the gossip? Because I heard a juicy little item.

Apparently, I'll be taking that treasure, and I trust there's going to

objections. Wrong! There will be an objection from me.

Objection!

You know my signature move by now. The antidote for the poison coursing through

your veins. It's back on the mainland.

That's a way. Meanwhile, I'll be taking the treasure this way. Actually, why

don't you save Saltine? And we'll take the treasure.

That's right.

Hit it.

What the bloody... You've got to take it to the antidote. Sorry. Not enough

room. It's either her or the ghouls. They chose the treasure over their

Daughter. Guys. Listen, I've got to be honest. I respect the hell out of that

move. Though it certainly buggers my ass, but good.

Trooper, you need to fire up some. First of all, hello.

Good to see you, too. Second, I don't take orders from you. If you don't help

me, Saltine's going to die.

Saltine? That's one of my best friends.

I deserve that. And there will be time enough for punches later. Right now, we

need to use your sub to bring Saltine to the antidote. But it's not working.

We're stuck here. Zane? What's going on?

That's one of my best friends!

He's been poisoned! And it doesn't matter by whom, but the antidote is on

mainland, and we have no way of reaching it. Oh, yes, we do.

Squawkler! I summon thee!

Squawkler!

Oh, great bird king of the sky, I need you to take us to the mainland.

And if you do, your life debt shall be forgiven.

No, my debt. may be repaid we shall never forget what you have done for our

and to think we considered you an enemy but one week ago before you revealed

rehashed everything i did for you last week squawkler so get us out of here who

shall it be feather brother you're not gonna die saltine

not on my watch squawkler your towel's really digging in my ass bud can you

up oh yeah that's better thank you

And that is how we found the chest.

Any more questions?

I have one. How much moolah did Quail Egan pay you for the treasure?

Well, we don't like to talk about money, but let's just say that our bank

account has $3 ,750 ,250 more dollars in it.

So are you sad that the fortune pursuit is over? We will always cherish the

memory, but mostly we are happy to get back to some peace and quiet.

Yes, I thought that was a killer line when I thought of it. Thank you,

Can I have a minute, guys?

Sure. We'll pack up the jeep.

Saltine, thank goodness you are okay.

No hard feelings, right? Obviously, we knew there's no way Zane would actually

let you die. Otherwise, we never would have left you. And hey, we even used

of the money to buy you a birthday present.

And now that we're back in the arcade game, what do you say?

Want to be our assistant? Keep it in the family.

I have a family.

Everyone buckled up? Yeah.

Let's get out of here.

Actually, wait one second. I forgot something.

Hey, you two! Huh? Yeah, Sam, Mona.

I'm talking to you. What?

You don't deserve someone as good as Saltine, you huge fucking pieces of

She's the most talented assistant archie I've ever seen, and you risked her life

over some treasure?

How dare you? I never say this to her face because I don't want her getting a

big ego, but honestly, I think she fucking rocks. Can I say something here?

so? I won't let you speak, you fucking turd. You've said enough. It's my turn

tell you. You fucked up big time, you fucking jags. You know what I think of

your precious property?

Here, I'll show you.

That's right. I'm going to piss all over your yard.

Yep. Get ready to see some major yellow.

Got a little bit of stage fright going on. Would you please not look at me?

Oh, shit. What the fuck?

Okay, push, Rip, push.

Okay, well, same result, I guess. Now then, where was I, you friggin' chodes?

Oh, yeah, sultane rules.

Hey, buddy, I heard it was your dying wish to meet me. Oh, then that's dig me.

When do you think you're gonna...

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