Original subtitles

Previously on Weeds.

- What? - I just love college so much.

- Are you sure that's a good idea? - Yes.

Geez, God!

- Damn it! - Everyone's gonna be looking for us here.

Goodbye, Seattle!

- Kimmie. - Yeah?

Can I borrow your car?

You got a car!

You are the hero of this family.

What the fuck are you doing here?

Mom. The fuckers got me.

Come on, I've had nothing to eat in three days

except for a linty car French fry.

Where's my son?

Your keys. I know where he is.

You're not gonna shoot me.

- I will if I have to. - But you don't have to.

You gonna put a bullet in me, mi hijo?

What do you think?

Please record your message.

Esteban, I'm a mother lion,

and you can't defeat a mother lion when you threaten her cubs.

I have to disappear now. Good luck with your crime.

- Did you kill Pilar? - No.

- Do you know who did? - No.

Pilar Zuazo turns up dead. Your boss's wife goes missing.

Any idea where she might be?

Say it.

Seattle was a bust.

- You gonna listen to me now? - Yes.

- Why? - You're the guru of off the grid.

I'm the guru of off the grid.

You've got me right here in this car with you, you lucky woman, you.

So, are you gonna use me?

You gonna accept my wisdom and experience?

- Are you gonna let me take the lead? - Andy...

- Randy. - Randy, I cede the reins to you,

the expert, the guru, the one who will lead us in a safer, more untrackable direction.

Thank you!

It's a great honor. It's an honor that I don't take lightly, to protect, to guide...

- Just fucking lay it out. - Fine, fine. Here we go.

To quote Bill Maher, new rules.

Number one. Keep moving.

We need to widen the gap between us and our aggressors.

That means at least another 24 hours on the road.

No stopping. No exceptions, except for gas and potty.

Hardcore.

Rule number two, this one is key,

no social interactions.

We go way underground. Seal ourselves off.

I'm talking bin Laden, the Unabomber.

That guy Sly from Sly and the Family Stone.

- Who? - Exactly.

Nance? How's this sounding?

Great. Movement, isolation...

- Okay. Anyone have any questions so far? - Yeah.

Do I get a road trip spirit name?

No one's chasing you.

Are you kidding? I owe Dana thousands in child support.

How about "Ted"?

Or "Coward Who Led a Car of Mexicans to Seattle."

- Ted works. - Silas, you okay back there?

- Yeah, I'm great. - We'll stop soon.

Just for lunch! I promise. That's it.

Then back on the road. Off the grid, Bill Maher.

We should take the Lewis and Clark Trail.

It goes from Washington State to Washington, D.C.

- Why do you know these things? - I'm an autodidact.

Also, there's a brochure up front.

No historic trails. We gotta think more unpredictably.

Now, when I trekked across Alaska,

we only took even-numbered highways and avoided all suspension bridges.

That baby doesn't look Mexican.

Yeah, he's half. But Mom doesn't like us mentioning that.

Well, when she comes back from the bathroom, she can complain about it.

No, bad idea.

What? This family needs some fun.

Way too many people.

Come on. Who's gonna spot us in the middle of Montana?

Okay. You just put me in charge.

Momentum, seclusion, Andy's plan.

He's right. This doesn't seem like the smartest idea right now.

I can't believe I have to convince you guys to go to a giant carnival.

Look, there's a rodeo!

And a roller coaster.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Wait, what's going on? - That was Judah's thing. Roller coasters.

Really? I thought he was kidding, when he said he designed those.

- What did you think he did for a living? - Never really cared.

Remember that one idea he had where the seats flipped,

so you didn't actually go upside-down.

And David Bowie music was pumped into the headrest.

- Lightning Frightening. - Right.

He kept a model of it in the garage.

Yeah. And he always took us to that one at Six Flags, like every other weekend.

That settles it. We're going.

- Nance... - For old time's sake.

Plus, Shane has been kidnapped, and it's very traumatic.

- Being kidnapped. - I wouldn't know.

Two hours, tops.

I want everybody to clean up before you get back into the car.

Change your shirts and your underwear.

Hygiene, still important.

You need to keep your hat on at all times.

These places have tight security, cameras, undercover police.

That bearded lady over there, not a lady at all.

Safety. We got it. Relax.

Relax? You're a squeaky field mouse headed into a bear cave,

except the cave is a swarm of people, okay?

And the mouse is your own ego. Wait, the cave is the...

- You get my point. Ego. - Ego. Ego.

Yes. Willful defiance.

Because I laid down rules, but you had to break them.

I am here because I don't want my kid to miss out on his entire fucking childhood.

Okay? It's just fun.

Did you see the way I held that gun on Ignacio?

He caved like a coal mine. Fucking payaso amateur.

Shane. Get over yourself. No one cares.

- You're just jealous. - Of what?

That Mom likes me better now.

Pinwheels and whirligigs! Get your pinwheels and whirligigs!

Five for $10!

It spins, it whirls, it's a hee-haw fire-cracking whirligig!

Wow. Do you want one?

Sounds lame.

Nope. Thanks, though. Have a good day.

First prize in the 21st Annual Butter Sculpture Contest, luxury motor home.

Win her today, drive her home tomorrow.

That's right, folks. A luxury motor home.

You win her today, you drive her home...

Remind me again where we're supposed to be sleeping tonight.

Doug, watch the baby.

Yeah, don't worry about me. Assholes.

Wow!

This thing's insane.

- We could live here. - We should. Should. We should live here.

Kitchen, living room, bedroom, we could set up a little nursery.

Is this Corian?

We wouldn't have to stay in crappy motels.

We could stay at national parks, up in the mountains. Anywhere.

Plus, we need to dump Cesar's car.

Yes, black town car. Classic bad-guy mobile. Very conspicuous.

Andy?

- Win this. - On it.

So what? It's like a contest? Butter-sculpting?

Yeah, I have no idea, but I'm a consummate contestant.

I win shit all the time. Trust me, it's in the bag.

Doug? Doug, I'm gonna pretend

that you aren't the reason that we were tracked down

and ask you to watch Stevie for the afternoon.

Nance, I raised four kids. Trust me, they all turned out...

Well, I raised four kids.

Okay. So, there's a full bottle of formula in the stroller.

He likes bird sounds.

- No solid food, obviously. - Okay.

- No sharp, pointy objects... - I'm good with babies.

They see me as a kindred spirit/taller version of themselves.

Go, be free. I am Ted Wilson now. Very responsible.

I could be a carny.

Driving from city to city. Handing out prizes.

I once dressed up like the Muffin Man for Halloween. False story.

Handed out muffins to all the neighborhood kids.

I don't even like muffins.

How do you say "muffin" in Mexican?

Right, you can't talk still.

How about this, Cheech?

How about we ditch this den of creepy sadness and go have some real fun?

How about that?

Yeah, me, too.

Was it cool, shooting someone?

No, it wasn't cool.

It wasn't cool. How many times do I have to tell you? Violence isn't cool.

- Are you mad at me? - No, I'm not mad.

- You sound mad. - I'm not mad.

I'm worried that you're becoming...

Like you?

- What? No, that's not... - We're the same.

Okay. Don't try to tell me what I am. All right? I know what I am.

I've been what I am a lot longer than you've been

what you maybe are.

And even if you are "like me," you're still a boy.

Smart, so smart, but a little lost.

And, Shane, listen,

it's my job to make sure you don't turn out to be a psychopath. Okay?

So if that means dragging you to some amusement park

or slapping you on the head

every time you say "cunt" or "bitch" or "motherfucking cunt,"

I'm gonna fucking do it, okay? Because I'm still your mom.

And I haven't finished trying to be your mom. Okay?

- Understood? - Yeah.

Hi, I would like to sign up for your butter sculpture contest.

- Me, too. - Big sculpting fan.

Got some pottery experience, never worked in the butter medium before.

Although I once made an Aztec temple out of gummy worms and marshmallows.

I like art in general.

Well, we'd love to have you.

Always nice to have a father-son team at the table.

I just need you to scribble down your John Hancocks, right here.

Only four people.

- Pool gets smaller every year. - Really?

Because I figured, you know, it's such a lustrous prize.

She's a beaut, isn't she?

Apollo Legend, luxury class A, 360 horsepower.

- Even has a fold-out veranda. - Okay. Wow.

Donation from our corporate sponsor, big butter family.

Owns most of southern Montana.

Now, what exactly is a butter sculpture?

Montana's sons and daughters, carved in butter.

- So, they're pre-made? - Thirty pounds each.

Had to keep them in a rotating cooler all night.

Yeah, it's a shame they gotta be destroyed.

Destroyed because...

It's an eating contest.

- We make them, you eat them. - Right.

Anyhoo, contest starts in 20 minutes,

Randy and Michael.

This line is ridiculous.

Can't we just cut?

- What did we just talk about? - Cursing, violence.

Respect. Self-control.

I just think outlaws don't wait in line.

Outlaws also don't refer to themselves as outlaws. Just FYI.

- So, what now? - We wait.

Oh, honey.

...how much fucking government-subsidized corn we can grow on that land?

In fact, we don't even have to grow it and they'll pay us.

- Mom, Mom. Mom! - One more, one more.

Yeah.

- Are you having a good time? - Yeah.

This is taking fucking forever.

We should do more things together.

We should. Your dad would have liked that.

Look at these people.

Do you miss him?

Yeah, I do, yeah. But what are you gonna do?

Fuck this. Come on.

- Quick, Dylan. - Get in here and stay quiet.

Follow Daddy.

Mom?

It's no big deal. We'll all get on eventually.

- They totally just cut. - I know, but they're idiots.

People in line are gonna get pissed.

They're gonna end up at the back where they belong.

Forty-nine... Sorry, folks, ride's closing.

We open tomorrow at 10:00 if you wanna come back.

You've gotta be kidding me.

Midway closes early on Wednesdays for maintenance.

Well, look, my late husband, this young boy's dead father,

was a roller coaster designer, so it's kind of a family tradition.

- And what's two more people? - If I let you on, I'd have to let everybody.

Right.

- Wait here. - I'm coming.

- Excuse me. - What?

I believe that you were behind me in the line.

No.

Yes.

You guys aren't gonna say anything?

- This man just cut right in front of you. - It's okay.

Look, lady, we're not breaking any laws.

So? It's completely unacceptable and rude.

Not to mention crappy! Excuse me.

What about you? Big man? You were behind me in line.

This guy cut in front of us. Come here, come here.

You gonna let him do that?

You're gonna let him do whatever he wants and walk all over you?

- Fuck no. - Fuck no!

Hey, Bruce, get the fuck out of the line, you cutter.

Lick my balls, Jimmy. You're just mad 'cause I thought of it first.

- Hey! That ain't right! - Shut it, Sandy!

Hey, you don't say "shut it" to my wife!

- She was my wife first! - Take it easy.

Been there, done that. I traded up, Ned!

- Fuck you! - Kick his ass!

Get in there, honey! Kick his ass!

- Yeah, Jimmy? - Yeah! Kick his ass!

Shut up, you coward!

Let's go! Lick his balls!

Get out of here!

Okay.

Here you go. Just let the flavor melt in your mouth.

Wash it down with a little bit of ice-cream.

Hungry yet?

Not enough to eat 30 pounds of milk fat. You?

Getting there.

This is tasty.

It's leftover from Seattle. I just added a little cinnamon for flavor.

Sometimes I think you're the son I never had.

Thanks.

I'm serious.

I feel a special kinship.

Because we're related.

I'm talking a spiritual kinship.

A shared sensitivity of the spirit

combined with what I like to call "untapped potential."

Plus, the whole sneaking onto a college campus thing.

Very Andy circa '87.

I'm applying.

- What? - Or Mike Newman is.

I grabbed a common app back in Seattle.

- Does Mom know? - No.

- And you can't tell her. - No.

- Promise? - Yeah, okay. Wow!

Really? Okay.

There's this question on the application.

"Evaluate a significant experience, achievement,

"or ethical dilemma you've faced."

Ethical dilemma?

- What are you gonna do? - I don't know.

But I do know

that I don't wanna end up like Mom and Shane.

Hey! Come on.

They're flawed.

Like us, like everybody.

I'm serious.

I feel like a complete asshole for stealing Kimmie's car.

I wanna earn my own way, or whatever.

Do things...

Do things right.

Randy and Mike Newman, to the dairy platform.

Randy and Mike Newman, please report to the dairy platform.

That's us.

You're next, buddy! Get ready!

Don't smile. You have to try things the right way first.

Then, and only then, incite a crowd, whatever.

Don't tell Uncle Andy we cut the line.

We have a winner!

Coming through, folks.

- Is he gonna be okay? - He's fine. Minor heart attack.

Not good for the ticker, eating that much butter.

- Right. - That was some work you did back there.

I know! I was a proud father today.

Thanks.

I feel pretty gross.

Yeah, I'm sure that'll pass when you're sitting in your brand-new mobile home.

So, how do we do this? Is there a claim center or...

No, right here. Got some forms to fill out. Tax mumbo-jumbo.

- Forms? - Yeah. State law requires us to submit

Social Security numbers to the county clerk before we hand out any major prizes.

Only exceptions are antiques and tropical fish.

And what if we... He doesn't have a Social Security number?

That's fine. You just jot down your tax ID number.

- Can we have a minute? - Sure.

When you're done,

they're gonna wanna take a picture of the big winner for The Chronicle.

Fucking damn it.

- How was he? - Great. Napped most of the day.

And you were right about those bird sounds.

Sleep, chirp, sleep, chirp.

- Doug. - What?

- I didn't do anything. - Still full.

He wasn't hungry.

Irresponsible, Doug. He's a baby. He needs his bottle.

Jesus Christ, it's like I have to do everything myself.

Thanks, for today.

I love you.

But get in the back.

- Are you mad at me? - Yes, I'm mad at you.

I was giving you the silent treatment.

- Come on. You had fun. - Okay, I had a little fun.

But you stole my power, undercut my authority

within seconds of giving me the reins.

- Now you're back in charge. - Yeah. Why don't I believe that?

Right, 'cause the last time you said it, you took a six-hour detour.

Today was something I needed to do.

Please?

Andy?

Keep heading east on 80. I'll see if I can find us a new route.

Hey.

Check it out.