Original subtitles

[dramatic music]

- There's bears, like, 30 feet away

from me right now.

Hey, get out of here! [airhorn blares]

I don't like having bear encounters.

- This gill net is all kind of tangled up.

- This bloody basket's snagged on something.

I've expended all the energy

I'm going to on fishing this lake.

I will last here on plant food as long as I last.

- Holy *bleep*.

I invested in that gill net, and today, it paid off.

Yes!

These fish aren't gonna take me to the end,

but, God, what a start!

narrator: In "Alone"'s most terrifying location yet,

ten participants face the deadliest predator

in North America...

- There he is, right there. - Grizzly bears.

- Hey, bear! - Been a lot of grizzly here.

I'm gonna have to live with them.

- Go on, get! [bear growls]

- Every second we're on the land,

we're being hunted.

- Holy *bleep*. Mountain lion.

- He's circling around my shelter.

narrator: Bone-chilling cold...

- Winter's coming.

- You combine the wind with the rain and the cold,

this place could make the Arctic look easy.

- Ah, *bleep*.

narrator: And complete isolation.

- You cannot hide from yourself

mentally and emotionally.

- [screams] - There's no place to go.

- I am suffering from loneliness.

narrator: Who will survive?

- Yes! Yes!

- This could be the end.

- I don't wanna tap, but I don't wanna die, either!

- You have to suffer before you can succeed.

- [retches]

narrator: The last one standing wins.

- At what point do I push the button?

- You know what the fish say to my lures?

"You ain't food.

"What are you doing in my waters?

"*bleep* lure.

Think I'm gonna eat that trash?"

And then they swim away.

Let's go check the gill net.

I want a fish so bad in that gill net, man.

I've seen fish right there before,

earlier on in the season before it got cold.

Shore is still very frozen.

Aw, *bleep*.

Gill net is frozen solid.

So I can't move it.

*bleep*. It's still empty.

Why can't there be just one fish in there

instead of a bunch of leaves and sticks?

Would that be so much to ask for?

My body's deteriorating out here.

Getting all freaking skinny.

I'm also worried about the, uh,

you know, the weight loss.

They might say that it's too much weight

that I've lost.

Whether or not I get to stick around is on them.

My toes are starting to get cold now.

Try and warm them up.

The wet cold, it gets all the way

into your bones, you know?

It's just, like, penetrating. [exhales]

It's a cold day, man.

Cold day indeed.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ouch.

Are you kidding me?

*bleep*.

So I made a big mistake, man.

I burned a hole in my warm pair of socks.

Yep, that's what I did. I burned them.

See that? Burn marks.

On both freaking socks.

I'm stupid. I'm dumb.

Those were the warmest pair that I had,

and now they're compromised.

Something as small as socks

can just be a total game changer

in the cold, and I'm gonna be

kind of *bleep* 'cause of it.

Nothing I can do about it now.

Just deal with the frozen feet.

- Welcome to today.

I'm up. [chuckles]

First achievement of the day.

But I'm tired.

I'm having trouble sleeping.

The reason I'm having trouble sleeping

is because I've gotten so bony

I cannot organize my clothing as padding

in such a way that I sleep well.

You know, you gotta sleep.

If you can't sleep, everything--

everything gets worse so much quicker

'cause your body can't repair itself,

you're burning calories when you shouldn't be.

I mean, there's a lot going on if you can't sleep.

But I got to motivate myself to get up

and get some things done.

Today will be a pretty heavy emphasis

on trying to get kinnikinnick and rose hips.

Okay. All right.

We're off.

My body is...

It's really drained.

It's not a matter of will power;

it's a matter of calories,

and I am almost out

of both fat reserves on my body and food,

so my time is very limited.

I would just like to see if we can get the supplies in

to just kind of ride out the rest of the time.

Okay, getting up in here is going to be a challenge

with my coordination level...

So bear with me.

Don't laugh too hard.

Here we are, and here we go.

Picking berries in the snow. So very slow.

You know, it's one of those plants

that you're just like, "Yeah, where do I grab?"

Pulling it to me is much more efficient

than me going to it.

I'd always had this kind of thought

in the back of my head that, if I could catch fish,

I could probably stay out here for a really long time.

This is gathering, slow and steady.

This is tough to come to terms with,

but makes it a puzzle that you have to solve.

How do you innovate to get around the problem?

How do you solve it?

That's that.

I got a full gathering bag. Yay.

Oh, let's get back to the house.

And we're out. I'm so done.

- Could sell these at the store, man.

Hand-crafted.

Maybe that's what I'll do for a living

after I leave this show.

Make hand-crafted die.

All right, gonna crank the fire a bit

and play some Yahtzee!

Sweet.

One, two, four, five.

All right. So one, two, four, five.

Need a three, you guys. Two rolls to get a three.

Oh, five.

Three. Look at that.

Large straight.

Banking on the gill net, man.

Banking on the gill net.

Then I just sit around and eat fish.

Oh, look at that. Yahtzee!

Super excited to finally and check the net.

What the hell?

The boat looks really weird.

We better check it out.

This wind was howling all night.

It could have blown the whole thing down.

God. Oh, no.

No, damn it!

[sighs]

Well, I wondered

if this day would come where...

The boat would sink or something would happen.

Gill net's out.

I mean, that board could be holding the whole boat up,

for all I know.

I cut it loose, and that whole thing

could just go under.

Oh.

I'm gonna try it.

I'm gonna cut the board loose here...

And then see if I can get it to shore.

Oh, I gotta be careful.

All right, well, we're gonna try it.

Slow and steady.

We got a lot of pinching on them ropes.

Okay.

It's free.

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunting]

Hey!

We didn't lose it.

Think we're gonna be able to salvage it.

What I learned is that if I get big waves here,

it's gonna cost me big time.

I'm kind of living and dying by the gill net.

Mostly dying.

Fix that outrigger, try to launch it.

Go check the net.

Go home and start a fire.

Lot to do before we get there.

- [sighs]

Put on another layer.

Kind of a chore getting dressed.

[sighs] There.

I don't know how long that took.

But it ain't quick.

All right, let's go see about that gill net.

If I want to win this thing,

I'm gonna have to catch some fish.

There's no way that that deer's gonna see me through.

The wind makes it incredibly difficult to fish

with this nylon gill net.

Lines are frozen together.

That's great.

Oh, I see what's going on.

String I left on there is all wrapped up.

Ugh, God,

it's just one thing after another with this net,

I swear.

Just gonna have to pull the whole damn thing in.

That just sucks.

Damn, I might even have a fish in there.

Hell, I believe there is a fish in there.

I'll be a son of a gun. Look at that.

Let's try this.

Rock's hung up now.

[grunting]

*bleep*.

Something broke on it.

Got a fish, though. Look at that.

Nice trout.

I did learn that the net works. It will catch fish.

Man, I really needed that.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Well, just gotta figure out

how the hell to get the damn thing

back out there now.

I'm not gonna be able to get

another pully system out there,

and that wasn't working so good anyway.

See, it's deep right here,

and if I can get the net right here...

Guess I could anchor it somehow to that rock.

Might work.

Damn, log pole's pretty heavy.

That fish that I caught tangled the entire works up.

I have to start over from scratch.

Good to have a fish. Bad to have to start over.

Ah, *bleep*.

There's a big rock-- big, giant rock--

and right off of that rock is deep water,

and so I basically make the same kind of system.

Let's see.

I've got a rock, and then a buoy

above the rock, and then I have a steel ring

attached to the buoy.

Now, let's see.

Should have been practicing my shot put.

And so I have a line that runs from the bank

out through that rock and back,

and so my net's attached to one of those lines,

and so I can pull it out and then pull it back in.

All right, she's fishing again.

- *bleep*. It hurts.

Stick went right under my glasses

into my eye.

See anything?

This is the look of a dirty, tired...

Painful...

Gill net fisherman that's overinvested.

I should be hunting,

trapping, fishing with line...

So I'm boiling a bunch of water

and let it cool, flush my eye.

Would that help?

Mm.

Geez.

Mm.

Okay, I'm gonna go over and fix the net.

All right, we're launching.

[grunts]

Floating.

Today is my dad's birthday.

Just want to say happy birthday, Dad.

I love you.

And I wouldn't be here on your birthday

if it wasn't for you.

I might have given up a long time ago.

I might not even be out here. I don't know what I'd be into.

But, like, you got me into the outdoors,

and it's changed my life.

I'm gonna push it hard.

I'm gonna push it to my limits, man.

My tank is pretty empty...

But there's fish here.

I think if I can catch a few of those,

you know, every few days or every week,

like, I am gonna be sitting in hog heaven.

Like, I'm gonna get a lot of work done

because there's so many nutrients

you don't get on these land animals,

and so I'm feeling really good about this.

This could work.

Oh, my God, there's a fish.

My God, yes!

Yes!

Yes, yes, yes!

Caught a fish!

Ha ha!

Oh, I needed you.

Thank you so much. Thank you so much!

That hog.

Look at that fat baby.

Fat, huh? Thick.

A belly.

I need to go get a fire going and get warm.

Like, we can just sit around and cook fish stew!

Yes!

I needed it. I really needed it.

So tonight I'm gonna be having fish soup

that I'm excited about.

Size of that fish, all that broth.

Golly, what a day.

What a day, you guys.

Man, ups and downs.

I mean, just really went down and then up.

I feel like I'm okay.

I have a few days' worth of food.

I need to invest these calories smartly,

but, like, Dad, you taught me not to give up,

and I'm not giving up.

All right. Oh, my God!

Scooping up my first bite of fish.

- The first order of business today is some breakfast.

A bit of rosehip and kinnikinnick boiled down

and then strained.

It's probably two cans' worth.

You know, that's two days of rosehips.

I've tried a number of different straining methods.

What actually works the best is stick your hands in it,

grab out the pulp, and squeeze.

You end up with these weird, little cakes

of basically seed

and the case from the rosehips.

Um, it's interesting.

Might not be the world's best food,

but it is food.

I would love to put those back on the fire

and get that reducing;

however, I have

either misplaced my pot hook,

or I potentially

knocked it in the fire by accident,

didn't realize.

So unexpected morning carving project.

My body is tired.

I'm calorie-starved on a level

that I didn't know existed,

but still smiling.

Still loving the view.

Sitting next to my fire.

It's an awkward carve

because it's really close to the--

to the hanger.

Hearing only myself speak out here has been interesting.

I know that my accent is a bit manic.

And it's interesting to hear which bits--

I still have a bit of the American "R."

Like, quite--actually quite distinctly the "err."

Seems like all of my vowels

are really what has taken on the...

I don't know what you call it. A British drawl, perhaps.

It's...

In the same way that Texans elongate words.

Perhaps we'll call this a drawl.

I don't know, actually, what a British accent

is called-- like, the type of accent it is,

if there is such a designation even.

It's amazing how little strength my arms have.

That is gonna be a bloody ugly pot hook.

Like, really ugly.

Trying to decide if it's gonna be easier

to saw that off or cut that off.

Eh...

knife is out.

This is just a...

Pretty big teeth for trying to do this.

See, I would have sawed this off.

Ow. Bloody *bleep*.

Mm.

Knew I shouldn't have been doing that *bleep*.

Ah, yeah, that's, uh...

Mm, mm.

It's clean, but it's deep.

Ouch. That was stupid.

That was just dumb.

I knew better than that.

Silly little things like that

that could just end your time out here

just like that, boom.

I mean, I could have cut

right through the tendon in the back of that finger.

That would have been an immediate ticket home.

Done.

Can't be dumb out here.

Damn it, this is really what I was afraid of actually.

I was afraid that my mind

would be willing

to do everything I ask, that I want,

and that...

And that my body just eventually

wouldn't be capable...

Of following it up.

It's all right. It's okay. It's okay.

I mean, you knew this would come.

There would be times that this would be the case.

This is just your body asking for a break.

I'm not in pain.

I'm just really tired.

There are the med checks coming up...

And they're a big deal

because there's always the chance

that I'd get pulled.

I'm worried.

As much as I don't want the end of my story out here

to be all about the breakdown of my body,

it's kind of turning into that, and...

I guess that's my reality right now.

And we'll see how far we get if they let me stay.

My goal is getting closer to being a reality here.

I might be able to accomplish this.

It would allow me to buy that plot of land in Sweden.

I can build a house there. My kind of house.

[sighs]

And I hope you're doing okay.

I also really hope you're ready to tap.

Kind of a...

You know? [chuckles]

On one hand, I wish them all the best.

On the other hand, bloody go home

so I can win some money.

- Yes!

And that right there is what fish can do for you.

That's the power of food.

I think I'm good for--

I really do think I have 30 days plus of wood.

That's ready for winter.

I'm investing those calories

from that fish into two things:

getting firewood for winter

and building another gill net.

Can't afford not to have a gill net in

every second I can.

Be glad to have this done.

Two nets--now we can mend one and fish the other.

I know that better days are coming, man,

and the meat's gonna show up,

and it's gonna show up in the form of fish

and show up in the form of my gill net,

and I'm hoping two gill nets pays off.

I'm invested in gill netting 'cause these nets work.

The gill net is gonna take me to the end,

so I'm going all in.

I gotta dig deep

'cause I'm not thriving.

I don't have much food,

so I gotta dig deep right now

and, like, get after it and work till dark

or past dark while I have the energy.

All right. Go out and set the new net.

All right, guys, I'll be back shortly.

Hopefully.

Last day I have a fish right now.

Spending those calories like dollar bills.

It's gonna be super time-consuming

and not worth it,

but you gotta try, man.

It's gill net or bust.

Tie this net.

Hmm. Come on.

Done.

Ready to go.

Buoys are out.

Let's go check that first net.

Either way, I'm going out swinging,

not hibernating in my freaking shelter.

Now pulling it up.

Come on, fish.

Nothing.

Damn it.

I'm gonna fight till the end. I'm gonna fight till the end.

For lots of reasons, man.

I'm fighting for myself, for my pride,

but really, man, I want it for my mom and dad.

Mom and Dad have supported me so much,

and I just--oh, I want this for them.

I want to show 'em, man.

I want to just say I can do it,

and I wish that my mom could come out and tell me I won.

That'd be days and weeks down the road,

but, oh, that'd be so amazing.

- There's a place called adventure

that lives just on the horizon.

It calls us forth.

Over the next ridge and around the next bend.

It's where life's good stories live,

the ones that'll be told around campfires

for a lifetime and more.

But adventure doesn't give up her secrets easily.

She keeps them hidden from all but the most willing.

Willing to pay the asking price.

If someone could transcribe that for me

and just hand it to me on my exit,

that would be wonderful.

I was thinking about going to check the net,

but sounds like the waves are breaking pretty hard.

And so I'm gonna have to go looking for grouse.

Look at that. Holy *bleep*.

That right there is lion poop.

It's fresh.

I bet that's that same cat I saw when I first got here.

I'll never sneak up on him like this,

but that gives-- that encourages me

to come back out here

after we get a fresh snow and just walk the creek.

That's pretty cool right there.

I would love to see if I can find a kitty cat track.

God, If I could do that-- if I could--

if I could track that cat down, oh, my God.

That's, like, a lifetime achievement.

So few people have ever done that.

Been thinking about trying to make a predator call.

Just think I might be able to use

a piece of rawhide as a reed.

Just a tube-style call.

But maybe I'll get started on that.

Well, there's a barrel all finished.

My plan is to sit on a prominent spot

where I can get a good view

and blow on this predator call.

It's just a call that sounds

like a deer bleat or a dying rabbit.

It's kind of a scream-y type of thing.

And just blow on this thing

and hopefully bring this cat in.

[call toots]

[air blowing]

[call squeaking]

[call screeches]

That ought to call a cat.

When they said that we could hunt cats,

I was like, "Oh, great, thanks."

It's like, nobody's ever gonna see one

or get a shot at one.

But then I see one.

I don't get another chance at that.

Here kitty, kitty, kitty.

Man, that would be something.

That's something I've always wanted to do

is walk a lion down.

So I was on my way out to the spot

to do some predator calling, and what do I see?

Fresh grizz tracks.

Holy *bleep*.

Fresh grizz tracks.

I haven't seen any fresh tracks in a while, but he's been here,

and we're not 100 yards out of camp,

and he's all over this ridge, back and forth, searching.

I think I'm gonna wait.

I'm gonna wait a little while on the predator calling

'cause I damn sure don't want to be out there

sounded like a dying deer

when there's still a grizz poking around.

So I'm gonna--might just kind of hang close to camp

this morning just in case he is still poking around.

That's not good.

So here I am, 8 yards...

Less than 30 feet from the camp,

and he came right here.

He made a complete circle around the tent.

I bled all of the air out of the air horn by mistake,

and so now there's no alarm system.

I brought all my meat and stuff inside there 'cause I thought

they would have been sleeping by now, but...

I might have to go hang it back up in a tree.

Did not expect that.

The last thing I want is a bear coming in

that thinks he's gonna get a free lunch.

If a bear got the rest of the jerky,

that would... [chuckles]

That would be real bad.

Be interesting to see what he does.

If he comes back, that means trouble.

That means something that he wants around here.

Can't be having that.

- Here we are. This is the "Starvation Hour."

Hey, everybody!

How's it going? Here I am.

I'm back.

It is snowing outside, as it seems,

and I'm in here.

[sighs]

I need to focus on getting more food in me.

If I don't get enough, they may feel that I'm at risk of...

Whatever and decide to pull me,

which I don't want.

I just-- I need this money so bad.

I don't have a job or a career to go back to.

I'm sure you guys can all understand

why I need to stay.

Let's go check the gill net.

So don't even dare think about it, Chilko Lake.

Don't even dare think about putting anything in there.

I triple-dog double dare you, *bleep* Chilko Lake,

to even provide even a little bit of food for me

in one of those traps.

I never wanted food in the first place.

I wanted to come out here and lose some weight.

See some leaves...

Some branches...

And no fish.

*bleep* it, dude. I'm gonna try a new spot.

I'm gonna pull it *bleep* right now.

I don't care if you're iced together.

Get un-iced.

I don't know if moving the gill net will do anything,

but it doesn't hurt to try.

It's sat in that spot. It's caught nothing but plants.

Oh, well. Gill net's moved.

I did something different. Hurray.

Everybody applaud for me.

[applauds]

Bravo, Biko.

Bravo.

*bleep* bravo, man.

Holy *bleep*, man.

I can't believe how much that winded me.

Just goes to show you how weak I've become.

*bleep* tired, man. Tired of being here.

Tired of struggling.

Tired of failing.

I'm just *bleep* tired, man.

All right, gonna dig up the onions, I guess, now.

Harvesting my little garden.

Gotta be careful with the frozen ones, man.

They like to break.

All right.

I think that's all of them.

I think it would just be better if everybody tapped out

so we could all go home.

That might just be my opinion,

but it's valid.

Harvested.

I'm hoping that this meal I'm gonna have today

will carry me on through the week.

Would you like some hot water with things in it?

Mm, you don't make it sound particularly appetizing.

Well, it's not. It's not.

This place is getting me down, man, it's--

it's beating me down. It's wearing me down.

When I applied,

we didn't have little ones on the way.

I wanted a grand adventure.

Wanted to test myself

and see what my limits were.

But after I found out

that I had two daughters on the way, man, it was like--

and I didn't find out--

I didn't even find out they were girls

until I was-- a few days before launch.

I wanna live a long time.

I wanna be healthy.

I wanna take care of myself

so I can watch my kids grow up

and watch them have kids one day.

I know that if I can just stick around,

there's a chance...

that I can change your lives.

But I am worn out, man. I'm worn out.

Really worn out.

[dramatic music]

- Today is the day, man.

Day I tap out.

I'm just kidding, man. I ain't tapping out yet.

[laughs]

You guys *bleep* wish I would tap out right now.

I got more weight to lose.

I'm just mostly concerned about the food thing, you know.

Um, I wanna make sure that...

They've got no reason to pull me,

basically, you know?

I'm gonna go down to the shoreline.

Hopefully the gill net's still *bleep* there.

I've pretty much just chased my passions my whole life

rather than a big pile of money.

I'm definitely kind of changing my mindset

now that I have kids on the way.

I'm constantly thinking of those twins

and thinking about how they're gonna watch this one day,

and I want them to be proud of me, you know?

Oh, *bleep*.

Well, would you look at that?

Look what I found. A frozen solid whitefish.

Maybe something grabbed it and then dropped it.

I don't know, but I'll *bleep* take it, man.

I think this fish was definitely some bird's lunch,

and then it dropped it.

Man, got my little tiny whitefish.

6-inch fish, wowie.

But it's protein.

First protein I've had in a while.

There it is.

All cleaned and scaled.

Very happy to have it.

This fish, it--

it's almost no food at all.

And I'm feeling pretty lethargic.

I'm starting to let go of the idea of winning.

And, uh, I'm telling myself,

"You know what?

Plenty of people have raised kids

without a pile of money."

What is money if you're not there

to be there with your family

to enjoy the things that it can provide, you know?

If I was to die out here,

then I'd miss out on everything.

- Ugh. I am spent.

Soon.

Okay, I'm going out to check the ol', uh,

gill net.

God, what I'd give to have another fish in the net.

My confidence right now is through the roof.

Like, the net and the boat are a team,

and they're gonna flipping work.

I love how I've got it dialed in.

And I am just, like, freaking stoked

that this is paying off.

When your systems work and there's fish biting,

you have security, you have comfort,

you have mental health.

I feel pretty confident I'm in the running.

*bleep*. Damn it.

We need another fish, guys. We need food.

I'm not eating, and this doesn't feel good.

There are times when my mental strength

is not normal, it's not me,

and I'm noticing times right now

when my physical strength-- I'm getting winded,

and I'm not doing anything.

Med check's tomorrow, and I know I'm losing weight,

and so it makes me nervous.

I don't wanna go like that.

$500,000 is a big deal.

This experience is an opportunity

of a freaking lifetime.

I need some food. I want to stay out here longer.

[dramatic music]

- This is gonna end up being the longest season ever.

It's gonna be like 115 days.

I started working on an airplane here for Coye.

Coye likes little things like this.

He loves just little-- I don't know.

I would have thought it was super cool, too,

when I was a kid.

When I first came out here, it was for me.

It was something that I wanted to do.

Just go see if I can hack it in the woods.

There we go.

Not a bad start.

I'm long past satisfying that.

What keeps me here is my boys.

I wanna set a good example for them.

I want to give them something to be proud of.

Yeah, Coye will dig this.

I've been away from my family for so much.

I never, ever expected it to weigh on me

like it's weighing on me now.

I mean, that's all I can think about,

is just going home and seeing my boys.

Oh, man.

The days are dragging by,

and it's obvious that I'm getting light.

I don't have enough food to last as long as needed.

And there's no definite date.

The desire to be here is gone,

but I can't leave until it's over.

Until either I win or there's no other options for me.

Just want to feel like I've given it my all,

whatever way it turns out.

[imitating airplane engine]

Even my food fantasies were keeping me up.

That's not a good sign.

I don't wanna get pulled.

You know, I'm losing weight,

and right now, I am scared *bleep*.

At any moment, they could say,

"It's not healthy for you to be here,"

and I don't wanna go like that.

Don't pull me yet. Please.

- Don't want to go home today.

Let's hope we pass our med check, huh?

I'm worried.

I did come out here with the absolute intention

of pushing myself to that red line,

and I think I'm close to it.

- Worrying about my medical check.

I'm gonna be really mad if my toes

are what takes me out of this,

'cause I didn't have adequate footwear

or not adequate socks, or whatever it is.

I'm gonna be really *bleep* pissed.

- Med check day's not a good day to be feeling weak.

I just can't keep the weight on,

and I don't know what to really do about it.

- Mm.

- I've just been experiencing a little numbness

here and there when it gets really cold.

- Turn sideways.

- You're not seeing any chance

of improvement in the near future.

- No, not at this point. - Okay. Copy that.

[dramatic music]

- We don't think it's safe for you to stay

in the field anymore.

We're gonna have to pull you for medical reasons.

You've lost a tremendous amount of weight,

and your vital signs are starting to decline.

I think the concern is that your cardiovascular system

is under pretty severe strain.

You're at the point now where we're seeing damage that,

if we're not careful, could become permanent.

It's just too risky at this point.

- God, I wanted to do better.

[voice breaking] I just wanted to do better.

I wanted--I did not represent that well.

I just wanted to do better.

I have nothing left in my tank.

I thought to--I mean, I didn't know today,

but I knew my time was coming soon.

I could feel it.

God, I wish some of my investments

would have paid off better.

Man, I got so one-sighted, I got so overly invested--

single-minded on some things,

and I didn't diversify, and I didn't adapt soon enough.

But God dang it, I knew it was coming.

I just knew, like, I was nearing my physical limits.

But I just thought, "I love my life so much,

"and I love my family and friends,

"and I love where I live--just--

I'm just surrounded by so much positive."

I have the best parents in the world.

They just--they're the reason I'm here.

They believe in me and support me, and--

and all--every step of my life, every way they can.

I wish I could have made them more proud.

I got a lot of adventures left.

Dad, we got a lot of adventures left.

I've always been pretty tough on myself.

I'm pretty self-conscious,

And I just felt insecure my whole life,

and so that's why being alone was so important.

I have no one else to lean on or to catch me when I fall.

This was my Super Bowl.

This was my survival big game.

And I did not have my best performance,

and so I feel disappointment.

I feel shame and embarrassment,

but I also feel humbled.

I knew going in I needed to diversify,

but at that moment where I was starving,

I went one-dimensional-- only gill netted.

I overinvested, overfocused.

I said, "The gill net is gonna take me to the end."

I literally said "gill net or die."

And I think, in the end, it cost me everything.

But this experience now is a big chunk of my life,

and that will never be taken away.

It was a phenomenal experience where I learned and I grew,

and I'm gonna share that with students the rest of my life.

- I heard a quote one time.

Said that money is what we trade our lives for.

That's pretty damn true.

- Weakness. Hunger. Mental battle.

They're all adding up.

Getting real sick of this!

- Never really completely let go of the possibility

that you might be the last one out here.