All language subtitles for The.Best.Laid.Plans.2019.720p.Web.X264.Solar-HI

(MELODIC RHYTHMIC MUSIC)

Subtitles by explosiveskull

So, do you think he's
gonna try that thing again

at the restaurant?

I hope not.

RED HAT MAN: I don't understand
why it's such a big deal.

Because we're his friends
and it makes us look weird too.

You're making a big deal out of nothing.

I'm trying to get a job there.

I don't want the manager
to think I'm crazy.

You worry too much.

And if you don't get the job,

at least you have someone to blame.

Do you really think he would care?

He wouldn't say it to your face

unless you got him
piss-drunk, but he does care.

So you say.

If you really feel that way,

then why do you keep hanging out with him?

Affirmative action.

I am the group's legally
appointed black friend.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

You choose not to leave,
and that's because,

deep down inside, you know you love us.

Whatever.

(PERCUSSIVE MUSIC)

How did you two get in here?

Nice to see you too.

I broke in.

No, you didn't.

You think this is the
first time I've broken

into somebody's house before?

You went to culinary school, so yes.

Just because I like to make cheesecake

while listening to pop
does not mean I'm not hood.

Yes, Allen, it does.

How is the job hunt going?

The only paying gig I found
on this online board today

was to write press releases
for a porn website.

Oh, that's painful.

Actually, it might be kind of helpful.

Why?

Because I got asked to film
a wedding in a few weeks,

but I don't have a camera.

At least I know theirs
will film in hi-def.

Touche.

You still haven't answered
my question, though.

How did you guys get in here?

The front door was open, actually.

Really?

Shit.

You guys didn't let the cats out, did you?

No, we didn't.

When did you get cats?

We've known you for years and all

of a sudden you've turned
into a cat person on us?

They're not mine, they're my brother's.

What?

Your brother moved back home?

Yeah.

I keep telling that mook not
to leave the front door open,

but he always forgets.

When did he come back?

Last week.

How are you parents taking it?

They're dealing with it.

It is what it is.

What are the cats' names?

I don't know.

I just call them Glenn
Close and Shia LaBeouf.

Why?

Because the girl one tries to follow me

into the bathroom every morning.

And the other one has a meow
that's way worse than his bite.

Hm, fair enough.

Goddammit, I just
died of dysentery again.

Are you really playing
The Oregon Trail right now?

I was feeling nostalgic, sue me.

You're the one that
majored in legal studies,

that's all you right there.

I swear, the only
people who hate dysentery

as much as Civil War
veterans did are 90's kids.

Those were good times.

Yeah, they were.

And if we had graduated during then,

we'd be able to find work right now

instead of being unemployed college kids.

Look, I'm all for
bitching about our problems

over some food, but the
key thing here is food.

Can we go eat now?

Yeah, let me just put some shoes on

and we can get out of here.

(ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC)

Man, I hope this place
gets back to me soon.

I'd love to work here.

It's near my house and I'd get free food.

Why don't you see if the manager's here?

I will when Miranda comes over.

I can't believe she went
from being the hot girl

in high school to a waitress
with a two year old kid.

Yeah, but now we get served
our food by a MILF, though.

How many people can say that?

It's like getting to go to
the zoo with a stripper.

Stop, she's coming over.

And how are you guys doing today?

We were just talking about you.

Good things, I hope.

Of course.

Ah.

- Miranda.
- Yeah?

Is Mr. Bay in?

No, he's actually out
of the office today.

How come?

Something to do about a fireworks show.

A new Ferrari.

I don't know, the guy never
really gives clear directions.

Normally he's just yelling
a lot and staring at my ass.

All right, thanks anyway.

MIRANDA: No problem.

Kevin, what will you have today?

I'll have my usual.

So a chicken tenders kids meal

with a White Russian to drink?

That's it.

Mm.

You know we're actually putting that

on the menu because of you?

Seriously?

Yeah.

Calling it the Man-Child.

That suits him.

That's awesome.

I've always wanted to have something

in a restaurant named after me.

You guys should put
his picture next to it

so that girls know exactly
who it's based off of.

You know, that's not a bad idea.

John, you are the reason
we can't have nice things.

I know, you tell me all the time.

And how about you, Allen?

I'll just have a cheeseburger for now.

With what to drink?

ALLEN: Just a Coke, thanks.

And for you, John?

I'll have the chicken
sandwich and Sprite to drink.

All right, I'll be right
back with your orders.

Hey, Miranda.

Yeah?

How do you feel about zoos?

I don't know, they're okay, I guess.

Why do you ask?

Just wondering.

I'll be out in a minute with your food.

Thanks, Miranda.

You know what's sad?

The three of us are so broke right now

that we can't really afford
to take a girl out on a date.

Speak for yourself.

I still have a card for a free game

of mini-golf in my wallet.

That's only good for one person.

Survival of the fittest, John.

If she wants to play, she has to pay.

Come on.

You can't tell me you're okay
with our situations right now.

Of course I'm not, but you already know

how I feel we should solve this problem.

Oh no, not the Aladdin defense again.

Hey, we spent a whole day
on that in legal strategies.

It's a real thing.

And it's fucking terrifying.

Look, Disney taught
us that if you're poor

and you steal, then it's not your fault.

In fact, not only will you get rich

and get to fuck some hot chick,

but a fat guy from the Blue Man
Group will follow you around

and solve all of your problems for you.

But we can't just
turn to a life of crime

just because we can't find jobs.

Why not?

You think the assholes
in DC and on Wall Street

who steal from people
like us aren't criminals?

They're the reason the economy is failing

and we can't find work.

I say that when you take
away all of the reasonable

and legal options, crime is
the only place left to turn.

We don't know anything
about being criminals.

You make crime sound like
it's something you can learn,

like tennis.

Look, all I'm saying is
that one of these days,

we're going to get sick and
tired of not being able to work.

And eventually, that rage
is going to boil over into...

Starbucks coffee?

That shit's delicious.

You know what?

Never mind.

Let's just eat and get out of here.

So, John, how are those karate lessons

working out for you?

Pretty well.

I actually enjoy it.

Who the hell would want to fight you?

You look like you eat babies

the way other people eat pistachios.

(JOHN SARCASTICALLY CHUCKLES)

We may not have jobs,
but at least we can take

out our aggression in a video game.

It's better than us
taking our frustrations

out on an actual person.

True story.

Is that a little Spanish
kid getting his ass whooped?

Yeah, it is.

He's yelling out (SPEAKING
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

in between those belt cracks.

I took enough Spanish
in high school to know

that (SPEAKING IN FOREIGN
LANGUAGE) is Spanish

for please don't whoop my ass.

I love when Call of
Duty makes me witness

to other people's parenting mistakes.

I once heard a guy ask his five year old

to make him some Easy Mac
just so that he wouldn't

have to leave the game.

Seriously?

Yeah.

I don't think I ever
wanted to slap someone

so hard before in my life.

So what are you doing tomorrow?

I have an interview at a school,

then I have the rest of the day off.

You think you'll get it?

I don't know, man, teaching
is a competitive field.

No offense, you're trying to teach PE.

How competitive could that really be?

You'd be surprised, man.

There are a lot of other large Greek guys

who look suspiciously like me
that want that job as well.

So the cast of 300 can't
find work right now either?

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Hey, man, you busy right now?

Kinda, what's up?

This is more important.

I need you to come over.

What's going on?

I need you to pick up John
and come over to my house.

When?

KEVIN: Now.

Like right now?

Yes, like right the fuck now.

This is important, I need your help.

If this is still about
you wanting to know

whether just ordering a glass of water

at a restaurant is loitering, it's not.

That is a serious philosophical question

that deserves more debate,

but this is more important right now.

Listen, I want to know
what the big deal is

before I rush out of my house.

Come over here and I'll tell you.

What's going on?

Kevin wants us to go over to his place.

Did he say why?

No, he just said he needed our help.

If this is like that
time that he got drunk,

fell asleep in his bathtub,
and then he couldn't hear

for a week, I don't wanna hear it.

No, I think this is more serious.

He actually sounded worried.

Him, worried?

You sure we're talking about the same guy?

Yeah, that's why I'm kind
of freaked out right now.

If this actually ends up being nothing...

You do realize that we can play

Call of Duty at his place too, right?

Yeah, but he has a PS3.

I don't feel like playing with a bunch

of people that wear Naruto headbands.

Kevin wouldn't know the meaning

of the word humble if
his life depended on it.

It'll be worth going over to his house

just to see what's got
him freaking out so much.

You think we're gonna go over there

and discover the cure for
narcissism and win a Nobel Prize?

Maybe.

Hey, guys.

Thanks for coming over.

What was so important
that it had to come

before Call of Duty?

My dad lost his job today.

Please tell me this is a practical joke,

like that time you gave your
little sister a Build-A-Bear

that only cursed in Russian.

I wish.

And it gets better.

They're behind on the mortgage.

If we don't pay that bill in two weeks,

we're gonna be evicted.

You have two weeks to come up

with the money or you're
gonna be homeless?

Pretty much.

Dude.

That kind of stuff doesn't
just happen overnight.

How long have you been
behind on the bills?

For a few months, apparently.

They just didn't wanna tell me

about it 'cause they
didn't wanna freak me out.

Holy shit.

We thought you were just screwing

around with us on the phone.

Is there anything we can do to help?

Actually, there is.

That's why I asked you guys to come over.

What is it?

I'm going to start a
business and I need your help.

Which is?

I'm going to become a pimp.

Fuck you both, don't give me that look.

I need to come up with money,

fast, and this is the best way I know how.

Did you at least
consider any other ideas?

Yeah, I did.

If you're gonna be a drug dealer,

you have to be available
at all hours of the day,

and I like my sleep.

This is true, you have to be really good

at customer service in
order to be a drug dealer.

What about a real job?

What about one?

Subway won't call me back, man.

You think I wanna be doing this?

He does have a point, Allen.

Our backs are kind of up
against the wall here.

Our?

Why is there an our in this?

- I'm sympathetic, man, but...
- You're gonna bail?

I'm not gonna bail, I
just think we should look

into all of our options first.

I already did.

I even thought about robbing a bank.

But then I realized that
John is the only one

of us in good enough
shape to get away with it.

Meh.

I hate when you're right sometimes.

See?

Not so simple, is it?

We can't just sit here
and let you go homeless.

You may be a bastard sometimes,
but you're our bastard.

I appreciate the sentiment, John.

Okay, so let's say we are
able to become successful pimps,

we don't know anything about the industry.

And that's why we're gonna go downtown.

Huh?

Yeah, I'm not following you either.

Okay, listen.

Tomorrow night, we'll go downtown

and watch how the pimps in the city work.

We're smart guys, we should
be able to figure it out

after a few hours.

Do you know I took a
class on how to bake cakes?

I'm not remotely qualified
to get into this.

So then you can make the girls

those French things you always make.

Crepes?

Yeah, those.

If I was a hooker and
I found out that a pimp

was feeding his girls crepes,
I would go work for that guy.

Plus, everybody knows that
girls like French things.

Yeah, it's because
they think it's romantic.

There's nothing romantic

about selling your body for a pastry.

Again, do you have a better idea?

No, but this one isn't a good one.

So, what am I going to do, then?

You're gonna be the enforcer, of course.

He killed a spider in the fourth grade

and cried about it for a week.

Do you really think he can hurt someone?

How do you even remember that?

Oh, I should never have gotten drunk

and told you that story.

He won't have to hurt anyone.

No one's actually gonna try and start shit

when they see how big he is.

So, basically, I'm going to psych people

out into not starting anything?

Pretty much.

Whenever it comes to
issues collecting money,

that's all you.

I think I can handle that.

So, how long do we have to do this?

Until we can get real jobs.

Come on, you can't tell me you're not sick

and tired of having no
money in your pockets.

It would be nice to have
a little bit of extra cash.

We're going to be the
only pimp racket in town

that has a pastry chef working for us.

That's kind of awesome.

See?

That's the spirit.

All right, we're gonna get out of here.

We'll see you tomorrow.

See you then.

Be ready, we have a lot to learn.

(UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

(JOHN GRUNTS)

So, you guys ready to go to the city?

Yeah, man.

I spent like three hours
practicing my karate

in case something goes down.

Good man.

Allen, how'd the research go?

Actually, it was pretty productive.

I didn't realize so many pimps

became writers after they retired.

Well, they had to keep their hands busy.

Force of habit, I guess.

We should be able to spot one
of these guys pretty easily.

It shouldn't take us too long.

We watch what they're doing,

figure out how to do it better,
and then make some money.

PIMP: I don't wanna hear it.

The question still remains though,

bitch, why didn't you call me?

HOOKER: All right, look,
you know, Francis, I just...

Are you insane?

Are you crazy?

You can't be calling me that out here.

These other motherfuckers will stab me

if they find out my name is Francis.

HOOKER: All right,
look, but you know, Frank,

the reason that I didn't call you,

it was a mad-good reason, all right?

You know, I don't care.

You know, I don't care
anymore, I don't care anymore

why you ain't call me, baby.

I just want you to answer
a question for me, okay?

HOOKER: Yeah, sure, what?

Between dental
insurance and cell phones,

how much money you think
I spend on you bitches?

HOOKER: Oh god, you know,
actually, I don't even know.

Like, 'cause it depends

on what kinda data plan each bitch has,

and if you're looking...

Hey, yes, you're right, a lot.

That's the right answer.

A lot.

But what you don't understand
is it leaves me in a problem

where I can't afford things for my kids.

You know what my kids eat?

They eat fucking Lunchables.

Do you know how bad that is for you?

It's all I can afford.

They're gonna grow up to be
all deformed or some shit.

It's because I need to make sure that you

and your little sisters
don't have cavities.

And why is that important?

Because nobody wants to fuck
a hooker that got cavities.

And that's right.

That's why any girl who doesn't
care enough about herself

to use fluoride shouldn't be hooking.

HOOKER: You know and,
baby, we appreciate everything

that you do for us.

What?

What the hell, no, you don't.

All you do is stress me the fuck out.

You know, I'm gonna need like
a yoga class or something

to get my stress level down.

Actually, oh my god,

if you need a yoga
instructor, I know somebody.

He's really good, he lives on 7th.

He's got like a weird eye, but whatever.

Yeah, yeah, I'm sure,
yeah, I'm sure you do.

I'm sure you know a good yoga instructor.

Look, I'm gonna be crystal
clear with you right now.

The next time you're late with my money,

I am going to go all
Mel Gibson on your ass.

HOOKER: All right, but like, like...

What?

HOOKER: Forever Young Mel Gibson

or Lethal Weapon Mel Gibson?

Edge of Darkness Mel Gibson.

But, Frank, he dies
at the end of the movie.

You should really come
up with a better example.

I didn't finish watching it.

HOOKER: Baby, the way you
were talking about the movie,

it made it seem like you knew it.

Bitch, you know, I have narcolepsy

and I fell asleep in the theater.

HOOKER: That's not even fair,

though, you tricked me and...

You know, just go make me some money.

And I hope your blowjobs are better

than your movie etiquette.

(CAR BEEPING)

Holy shit, that is the
angriest guy I've ever seen.

The book didn't say that
pimping would be this hard.

He just kept yelling and yelling.

If that guy eats a high sodium diet,

he has like a year or two left

before he has a heart attack at this rate.

That guy is so hardcore,

he probably puts salt on
his bacon just for fun.

We can't compete with him.

He'd kill us all with a toothpick.

So what are we gonna do now?

I don't know.

I'll have to come up with something new.

You really think you still
have a trick up your sleeve?

I really don't have
another choice do I, Allen?

Oh, this is worse than that time

that those neo-Nazis
crashed your birthday party.

(ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC)

I can't believe tonight
ended up being such a bust.

I kind of can.

What makes you say that?

We're not cut out for this, Kevin.

We're not criminals.

You act like there's a choice here.

There's totally a choice.

Look, I know you want
to help your family out,

but there has to be a better way.

There's not.

Subway won't call me back, man.

I have a college fucking degree,

but I'm not qualified to make sandwiches?

So, we're going to take advantage

of someone else's misery?

No.

That was the whole point of
getting into the pimping game.

You think hookers aren't miserable?

I'm sure they are.

But they chose to make
their living that way.

No, they didn't.

They're in the same position you are.

They're broke and they have
their backs up against the wall.

Be kind of uncomfortable,
don't you think?

They should at least
use a bed or something.

Dammit, man, you know what I mean.

Look, you know how you hate
all those guys on Wall Street

and all those dirty politicians right now?

Yeah, what's your point?

How do you think they got so rich?

They stole.

Do you really wanna become
the thing you hate the most?

No.

I don't.

But they stole that money
you're talking about

from people like me and my family,

honest, hard-working people
who never broke the law.

As far as I'm concerned, I'm
not committing a crime here,

just taking back what's mine.

I keep forgetting you're a law student.

You can justify anything to yourself.

Okay, Mr. Master Of The Universe,

what would you do if you
were in my shoes, huh?

What would your grand plan be then?

I don't fucking know, okay?

But I do know is that I
wouldn't wanna become one

of those guys, one of
those scumbags that put you

in this spot in the first place.

Well, if you come up with a plan

that leaves us morally in
the clear and pays the bills,

let me know.

(JOHN SIGHS)

I don't think I can do this anymore.

What?

I'm sorry.

I really am.

But I can't become a criminal,

even if it is to help my best friend out.

Once we go down this
road, where does it end?

But then how...

Look, if I come up with
something, I'll let you know.

I really do want to help you.

But it has to be something legal.

Something that won't
potentially get us killed.

I don't want any of us in harm's way,

but I don't know what else to do.

Just keep this in mind.

You won't be able to help your family out

if some guy like Frank
ends up cutting you up.

Well, me sitting on my
ass isn't gonna help either.

Listen, I'll help you any way I can,

but I won't help you profit
off the misery of other people,

whether it's selling girls
or drugs or whatever.

It has to be something that
won't fuck with my karma.

Since when did you get all spiritual?

'98, I think.

(KEVIN SIGHS)

All right.

I'll come up with something new
and call you tomorrow, okay?

Sure.

Just be sure there's no more crazy Franks

involved this time.

Will do, brother.

JOHN: I'll talk to
you later, all right?

Adios, amigo.

How the hell is that even possible?

Hey, Allen?

Hey, man, what's up?

You know how I read the
paper every morning now

because it makes me
feel like I'm not poor?

Yeah, why?

Well, I saw something
in it this morning.

You need to get over here.

If this is another
get-rich-quick scheme...

I swear, this is so
much better than that.

Just pick up John and
come over to my house.

Yeah, sure.

I'll see you in a few minutes.

(DOOR KNOCKING)

(PERCUSSIVE MUSIC)

I have the answer to
all of our problems.

Which is?

Do you guys remember Tommy Booth?

That asshole?

Yeah, what about him?

That's what.

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

Is anybody going to tell
me what's going on here?

Tommy Booth won the lottery.

No.

No, that's not possible.

Yeah, it is.

Of all the miserable assholes
that could have possibly

gotten rich, Tommy Booth
had to be the one that did.

Wait a minute.

I mean, he's not a nice
guy, but he's not that bad.

He called that girl in the
wheelchair Sleeping Beauty

because she couldn't
keep her head up straight

during yearbook photos.

He's easily the biggest
tool I've ever met.

And then there was the thing with John.

Don't bring it up.

What are you two talking about?

It happened before we met you, Allen.

I don't wanna talk about it.

But I'm your best friend.

What he did was, was unspeakable.

That's all I have to say.

He set off stink bombs in class,

broke a few toilets, and
managed to stay skinny

while eating only French fries.

Okay, I can understand
you guys don't like him,

I get that, I just don't see
how him winning the lottery

is gonna solve any of our problems.

Simple.

We're gonna take some of his money.

What?

I'm in.

What happened to last night?

To Mr. I Don't Want To Fuck With My Karma?

That kid having any sort of good luck

is a slight against God.

We're not committing a crime here.

We're just correcting a terrible
mistake that nature made.

Glad to see you finally
grew a pair, buddy.

Okay, so assuming I'm in
because I don't want you two

to do something this stupid
alone, what's the plan here?

We kidnap the son of a bitch

and get him to give us his money.

And what if he doesn't wanna give up

his hard-earned lottery winnings?

Then we hurt him, badly.

Like torture?

Like whatever we have to do

to get him to give us the money.

I'm all for that.

Dude.

What the fuck did he do to you?

I don't wanna talk about it.

Well, I'm glad to see
we're all agreed on that.

Okay, so where are
you gonna get the money

for this anyways?

We need supplies.

Supplies?

Yeah, like ropes, ski
masks, stuff like that.

All taken care of.

I still have some money
left over from graduation.

My family told me to put it to good use,

so that's what I'm doing.

So, where are we gonna
take him once we kidnap him?

We can take him to my dad's
office, it's in a warehouse.

Won't your dad get mad
if you're using his office

to torture someone?

He's not gonna know about it.

But your dad has his name on
a sign outside the warehouse.

Tommy will know who we are right away.

That's why we're gonna
put a bag over his head

so that he doesn't know
where we're taking him, John.

Sometimes the simplest
things escape you, John.

Oh yeah?

Well, I'm stronger than you, so shut up.

Tomorrow, we'll head over
to Allen's and then we'll...

Wait, why are we planning
the felony at my place?

Because your mom bakes really well,

dude, and we haven't had
her cookies in awhile.

Can you tell her to
make us some, please?

I hate you two sometimes.

Thanks, Allen.

Do you really think
we can pull this off?

Absolutely.

I've already seen Fargo,
so I know what not to do.

I hope we take this bastard
for every penny he's worth.

No, we can't take it all.

That'd be way too suspicious.

Plus, the lottery is only
paying it out in small amounts

because he took it in installments.

You just looked that up, didn't you?

Well yeah, it's not every
day that I need to know how

a lottery winner is going to
get paid so that I can rob 'em.

So, when's his first installment?

Next week.

So we only have a week to plan this out?

Pretty much.

Don't worry, guys, we've got this.

We'll head over to Allen's tomorrow

and start mapping the whole thing out.

I hope you're right about this.

Allen, how long have you known me for?

Awhile.

And how often am I wrong
when it actually counts?

Rarely.

Exactly.

Go home and get ready for tomorrow.

By the time we're done, Tommy
Booth won't know what hit him.

(PERCUSSIVE MUSIC)

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Hey, man, come in.

Where the hell are the cookies?

I refuse to discuss kidnapping
and possible torture

until there are cookies on this table.

They're in the oven, man,
they'll be out in a few.

So, what's the first step of this plan?

The first step of the
plan is that we need

to follow him around
and learn his routine.

We need to snatch him someplace

that we know he's gonna be alone.

Well, why don't we just
take him at his house?

Because he still lives with his parents

and we don't need witnesses.

He won the lotto and he
still lives with his parents?

The article said that he
wants to show solidarity

with his less fortunate
brothers and sisters,

so he still lives at home.

Okay, this guy really is an asshole.

Told you.

Can we not act like we
need Ritalin for two minutes?

So we follow him around the whole day

until we find a place that he's alone?

Not just a place that he's alone,

but a place that he goes to regularly.

That way, when he doesn't
come home right away,

it'll arouse less suspicion

because he's always out at the same time.

Okay, so when do we get started on this?

Right after we eat those cookies.

Hey, y'all, Antonio.

Got a few bucks to spare?

What do you say, doll?

Do I fucking know you?

Sure, bro.

Get the fuck out of here.

Chill, you don't have to
get all hostile in here.

How would you like a
ride on the Boot Express?

Bada-bing.

Get the fuck, oh, he's got palsy.

Poor baby.

Jesus Christ, this used
to be a respectable alley.

What the hell?

(MAN GROANS)

So, okay, I drop off the coke

at the Chuck E. Cheese, right?

And I figure, at this point,

my day could not get any stranger,

in this bullshit line of work.

Am I supposed to be
waiting for something?

You haven't told me yet why you're late.

Wait the hell on a
sec, I'm getting there.

Ay ay ay ay ay ay.

I've never met anyone in
my whole life that talks

as slow as they walk, Lo-ass.

Kiss my ass, Jimmy.

If your social security
check were a little bigger,

we would be watching The Golden Girls

instead of selling drugs
into our golden years.

Man, we've been following
him around for hours now.

All we found out is that
he really likes carrots

and Asian porn.

Everybody has a weakness,
and that includes Tommy.

We just have to stay on him
until we find out what his is.

I'm just surprised he
hasn't seen us at all today.

Congratulations, Allen, you've finally

found your calling in
life, stalking people.

Listen, man, I just know
how to keep my distance.

I watched a lot of cop shows as a kid.

Really?

Yeah.

When I was little, I wanted to be a cop.

And now we kidnap people
because the economy sucks.

So, that is why I was so
late getting back tonight.

Hey, where is that kid?

Wasn't he supposed to be here by now?

He'll be here in a minute.

Just relax.

Why don't you run across
the street to 7-Eleven

and pick up a couple of cartons, okay?

Do you want something to drink?

Yeah, get me a Snapple
Apple, they got it.

Okay, Snapple Apple it
is, and I'll be right back.

All right, I can't wait.

Ay ay ay.

Hey, he's about to head into that alley.

Follow him very, very carefully here.

He hasn't seen me for hours.

You really think he's gonna notice me now?

Let's park here so
that no one can hear us.

This time of night, there
can't be too many cars around

and we don't wanna be spotted.

Oh, look, look, it's Tommy.

Hiya, Tommy.

Boy, it's good to see you.

How you been?

Why the hell you get me up so late?

You know I burn through
my shit quick, Jimmy.

Oh yeah.

Let me tell you something.

The next time you interrupt
my episode of Buffy,

you and me are gonna have a
problem, you understand me?

Yeah, yeah, I hear you.

Yeah.

Okay.

So what do you want?

I got Coma Patient, which
would be really good for you.

And I got Pumpkin Spice
for a price that's nice.

No shit, they have
pumpkin spice weed now?

They do, it's just
like the Starbucks drink,

only this shit gets you high as fuck.

Huh.

You know what, I'm gonna
take a dime-bag of each.

Oh.

Is this on?

Lois.

Let me get this straight,
you got me out of bed

after midnight, you
dragged me away from Buffy

to buy two dime-bags, seriously?

Man, do you want the
fucking money or not?

Give me the fucking money.

God, ay ay ay ay ay.

And don't interrupt my
program again, you got that?

Yeah, I heard you the first time.

You don't have to be a dick about it.

Oh okay, I was just
trying to make sure, Tommy.

Get the fuck outta here.

Oh man.

Fucking show will be over
by the time I get back.

Ay ay ay.

We got him.

We got the son of a bitch.

This would be a pretty
good place to snatch him.

And this alley doesn't even
have any security cameras.

Look, we even got John
thinking like a criminal now.

We'll follow him around
for the next few days,

and if he comes back, this'll
be the spot where we grab him.

How long do you think it'll take him

to finish all that weed?

I don't know.

Allen, how long do you
think it'll take him

to finish all that weed?

Are you asking me
that because I'm black?

No, I'm asking you
because you have friends

that did theater in college.

I heard about those toga orgies, man.

What?

Don't worry about it, we'll
tell you when you're older.

I didn't attend any of
those, for the record.

You didn't answer my question, how long?

Two days, max.

Okay, so then we'll follow
him around for a few more days.

In the meantime, we still
need to go shopping.

Are you guys doing anything tomorrow?

Nope.

I'm free.

Meet me at my house at noon, then.

(TENSE MUSIC)

All right, so we need some rope,

three ski masks, and a shotgun.

That should be it.

And you're sure they won't
say anything about the shotgun?

This is Walmart.

If they could figure out a
way to sell heroin to babies

and make money off of
it, they would do it.

All right.

I'll be back in a few minutes.

Hey, do you think your
aunt and uncle would be mad

if they knew that you
were spending the money

they gave you on a kidnapping kit?

Nah, they grew up in the 60's,

they don't really judge people.

I seriously can't wait
to nail the bastard.

Hey, don't make this personal.

I know you two have history...

You know what he did, Kevin.

I know, I know.

But if you put him into a coma,

then we can't take his money.

I'll be sure to save
the beating for later.

Thank you.

Hey, don't you think
it's going to look weird

that he's buying all of
this suspicious stuff all

at the same place?

Again, these people don't care.

I'd be surprised if anyone said anything

to him at all about it.

You wanna bet on it?

Sure.

I bet you $10 that nobody
says anything to the guy

buying a shotgun, some
ski masks, and a rope.

I'll take that bet.

(TENSE MUSIC)

(WINDOW KNOCKING)

How the fuck are we
supposed to kidnap someone

if you two are afraid of
someone knocking on a window?

Point taken.

Hey, that was really fast.

Yeah, I know.

Open the trunk, I got the stuff.

Hey, did they ask you about why

you were buying all of that stuff?

Yeah, they did.

KEVIN: What did you tell them?

That we're making a movie, suckers.

Did they ask you
anything about the shotgun?

Nope.

They didn't even ask for
your mom's maiden name?

No, they didn't ask me anything at all.

They just handed me a deadly
weapon and took my money.

I love America.

All right, so we meet
at my place one final time

and go over everything
before we head out, right?

That's the plan.

As long as everybody lays
low, we should be fine.

All right, let's get out of here.

You guys know how I'm
allergic to country music.

(ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC)

All right, gentlemen, the
big night is finally here.

By the way, are you sure your mom

isn't gonna walk in on
us talking about this?

Yeah, man, it's cool.

She's watching Dancing with the Stars.

Nothing can move that
woman when that show is on.

All right, let's go over
the plan one more time.

Based on what we already know,

Tommy will show up to his dealers
at approximately midnight.

We wait for him to complete the buy,

ambush him from behind, and
then we throw him in the car.

At that point, we'll put
the bags over his head

and then we put our masks on.

Now, when do our masks come off?

Never, because we
don't wanna go to jail.

Exactly.

They don't come off even if...

Even if Jessica Alba
comes into the warehouse

and said she'd blow us
if we took off our masks.

Exactly.

John, did you test fire the
shotgun to make sure it worked?

Yeah, it definitely works.

Definitely?

What do you mean?

It worked a little too well.

Too well?

The recoil from the gun knocked me over

and now I have a dick-shaped
bruise on my knee.

Come again?

Say that slowly, one more time,

to make sure that I heard you right.

I have a dick-shaped bruise on my knee.

Let me see.

Did you fall on a cookie cutter

shaped like a cock or something?

No, dude.

Why would anybody leave a cookie cutter

shaped like a cock in the woods?

You'd keep that in your kitchen.

Remind me never to rob
a bank with you, John.

Allen, do you have
the straws for tonight?

Yeah, they're in my pocket.

Good man.

Straws, what for?

To figure out who gets guard duty first.

All three of us can't be
watching him at the same time.

Someone has to be on the lookout.

When we get him in the warehouse,

we don't have to treat him
with kid gloves, right?

Short of putting him into a coma,

we do whatever we have
to do to get that money.

Sweet.

Payback's a bitch, Booth.

Did you hear what I just said?

No coma.

Yeah, I heard you.

So are we ready, then?

Yeah, let's get outta here.

Shotgun.

Really?

Did you really just yell
shotgun before a kidnapping?

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

Hey.

I didn't interrupt your
show this time, right?

No, we're good.

Good.

Hey, you ever seen Deadliest Catch?

No, why?

That shit is awesome.

You oughta check it out.

Yeah, I'll write that down.

Same as last time?

Yes, that shit is awesome.

(JIMMY LAUGHS)

- There you are.
- There you go, my man.

- Cool, adios, amigo.
- Stay loose.

You make bail, call me.

TOMMY: What the hell?

Where am I?

JOHN: Hey, Tommy.

Shut up and stop asking questions.

TOMMY: Why do I have a bag that says

Academic Financial
Services tied to my head?

You can read that from in there?

TOMMY: Yeah.

Oh, I got this other cool party trick,

it involves your mom and my...

Ow.

What the fuck was that for?

We told you to shut up, didn't we?

Next time, it'll hurt more.

Just be quiet and stay calm.

You'll find out everything
you need to know soon enough.

TOMMY: Which is?

You'll find out in a few minutes.

(TENSE MUSIC)

Will somebody please tell me

what the fuck is going on here?

Come on, Tommy, you really
haven't figured it out yet?

No, I haven't.

I mean, you guys saw me buying weed

but you're obviously not cops,

so I have no idea what you want.

We want your money.

Not all of it, just some of it.

And you're going to give it to us.

You guys kidnapped me
for my lottery winnings?

KEVIN: Exactly.

Couldn't you have just stuck

up a gas station or something?

Don't insult us, Tommy,
we're way bigger than that.

Plus, this is a lot more fun.

Okay, before this goes any further,

what do I call you guys?

I'm Danny DeVito.

Ice Cube.

Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Are you serious, man?

You don't even look like him.

Will both of you shut the
fuck up and focus right now?

You guys just made up those codenames

like right now, didn't you?

That is irrelevant.

Here is what you need to know.

It is 2:30 in the morning right now.

You have until 7:00 a.m. to agree to march

into a bank and withdraw $150,000 for us.

See?

We're not even asking for all of it.

We're nice kidnappers.

Even though you don't
deserve to keep any of it.

ALLEN: Shut up, Arnold.

If for some very
stupid reason you choose

not to comply with our demands,

the big guy with the shotgun over here

is gonna shoot you and leave your body

in a ditch for the gators to get.

I'm no expert, but won't a shotgun

be a little loud for this time of night?

Let us worry about that.

How do you guys even know who I am?

You had an article printed
about you in the paper, genius.

Yeah, but my picture wasn't in it.

That means you guys must
know me from somewhere else.

Wrong.

You'd be amazed what you
can find out on the internet.

And how exactly am I
supposed to get you this money?

Cash will work just fine.

Okay, but what if I have a teller

put the tracker in the money?

Then we kill your family.

Okay, you leave my family out of this,

otherwise I swear to God,

I will spend every last
cent I have hunting you down

and making you pay for this.

Stay calm, Tommy.

We wouldn't you to lose your head now.

Right now, we have a man
stationed outside your house.

You try and call the cops,
you try and tell your family

or anyone else about what's going on here,

and we take them out too.

But if you give us the
money and it comes back clean,

we'll call him off.

He's kind of a fat fuck,

so it gets expensive for
us to keep him there.

We would actually
prefer calling him off.

It's way cheaper for us.

You guys have no idea who
you're fucking with, do you?

We know exactly who we're fucking with.

You're soft, Tommy.

If you had any brains at all,

you wouldn't be here right now.

So what's it gonna be?

We're gonna ask you calmly.

Are you gonna give us the money or not?

Burn in hell.

Wrong answer.

(TOMMY GRUNTS)

Will you stop stepping on the same foot?

Do you have any idea how fucking expensive

an orthopedic surgeon is?

No, I don't.

I don't have health insurance anymore.

Don't think of it as being kidnapped.

Think of it as giving to charity.

Oh yeah, you guys seem like
the real Salvation Army types.

I'll bet you collect money for poor people

around Christmas too, don't you?

You know what?

We're gonna give you a minute

to get used to your new surroundings.

Come on, guys, let's go take a walk.

Holy shit.

We just told Tommy Booth that we're

going to kill his family.

Fuck, man, don't sound so excited.

On the other hand, that
was a damn good lie, Kevin.

Thanks.

I don't know what came over me.

It just felt so natural.

To be honest, I'm kind
of creeped out about it.

All right.

We can't leave him alone for too long.

It's time to draw straws to
see who does guard duty first.

Pink?

Are we ordering fucking cosmos now?

Look, my mom is both a
woman and an alcoholic.

So the next time you need straws

to figure out who's doing
guard duty during a kidnapping,

you can buy them, all right?

Come on.

We can't leave him out
there for very long.

Shit.

Have fun.

Screw you.

How you doing, Ice?

Look, I'm not here for the small talk.

Are you gonna give us the money or not?

You have a better chance of
getting a blowjob from a nun

than you do of getting any of my money.

You can keep playing hard to get,

but eventually, we'll break you.

You know, I was having a good day

until I got my Xbox back
in the mail this morning.

It had a letter saying my warranty

had expired or something like that.

So I sent it back to them
with a letter of my own

and it said, dear Bill Gates,
if you have enough time

to buy condoms for everyone in Africa,

you have time to fix my Xbox.

There is some truth to that, I guess.

I mean, do you know how annoying it is

watching Netflix on my laptop?

The screen is so much smaller.

I just want to watch
my nature documentaries

on a big screen again.

Nature documentaries?

Yeah, I've been watching
this one on dolphins lately.

Did you know they are
vicious little bastards?

No, I didn't.

Yeah, they are.

Actually, it's common for
multiple male dolphins

to take turns having sex
with a single female dolphin.

What?

You heard me.

Flipper's into gang-bangs.

I just fucked up your
whole childhood, didn't I?

You are a deeply
disturbed person, Tommy.

Look, I'll make you a deal.

You let me go right now

and I'll give you half of
what you're asking for.

You wouldn't even have to
split it with your partners.

What makes you think I would

go along with something like that?

Honestly, 'cause I think you're weak.

Weak?

Why are you here?

Huh?

You heard me, why are you here?

I've seen the way you
act with the other two.

I mean, you're obviously
smarter than the big guy.

And you're loyal to both of them,

but this wasn't your plan at all.

You're too meek,

too reserved to carry
out something like this.

The big guy, well, he had the gun,

so he wants to hurt me, clearly.

And the little guy, he
did all the talking,

so that tells me he's the leader.

So that leaves you stuck in the middle,

playing second banana, as usual.

Do it.

We both know you're not going to.

You may be a lot of things,

Ice, but violent isn't one of them.

You keep talking shit like this

and you're never getting out of here.

Really?

Do I look scared to you?

If you're not, you should be.

No.

I mean, you guys have balls,

but you've clearly
underestimated your target.

You're gonna have to try way harder

than this if you want to break me.

Try harder?

Okay, I can do that.

Wait wait, whoa, hold
on, hold on a second.

Are you actually an Ice Cube fan?

Yeah, why?

Well, what's his
favorite kind of ice cream?

What?

How is this important?

Well, it's a commonly
known fact amongst his fans.

What's Ice Cube's favorite
kind of ice cream?

Um.

You can say if you don't know.

Wait, wait, no, no, I know this.

Stop lying.

It's Rocky Road.

Wrong.

It's vanilla with rainbow sprinkles.

I bet you've never seen Boyz
n the Hood either, you poser.

(ALLEN GROANS)

Goodbye, Wayne Brady.

Fuck that guy, seriously.

I'm gonna put him in a coma if
he doesn't shut the fuck up.

He was talking to you?

Yeah, he wouldn't stop talking to me.

Did he get good grades in school?

Why?

Just answer me, did he?

We don't have his fucking
report card in front of us.

What does it matter?

He did go to college, right?

Yeah, why?

He is unusually perceptive.

He must have been a
psych major or something.

He is good at getting into people's heads.

Who's up next on guard duty?

I am.

Watch out for him, man, he's
gonna try and screw with you.

Let him.

Comfortable yet?

No.

I'd need my bathrobe
and slippers for that.

Hey, would you mind running to my house

and getting it for me?

Sorry, I'll have to pass on that one.

Ah, well that's a shame.

Here I was thinking I could
talk some sense into you.

Funny, I was thinking
exactly the same thing.

You gonna get smart and give us our money?

What would you do with the
money if I gave it to you?

Why?

Well, I wanna know
where my money ends up

in this little charity case scenario.

I don't know, I haven't
thought that far ahead yet.

Ah, bullshit.

You're obviously the one who
planned this little kidnapping.

And you don't seem like the type

of person who would
leave things to chance.

So, what would you do with the money?

Go to Japan.

See, now we're getting somewhere.

Yeah, I'd like it over there.

Sushi and samurai and gorgeous women.

Plus, it'd be nice to make eye
contact with somebody again.

I haven't done that since the fifth grade.

Hm, you worry about
how people perceive you

because of your height.

You know, you're tougher than
most people because of it,

but that toughness is
gonna one day lead you

to pick a fight that you can't win.

I'll worry about that
bridge when I come to it.

And while all those things
you said about Japan are nice,

I still wouldn't recommend
making that trip.

And why is that?

Well, things have a way of getting

a little bit weird over there.

What do you mean?

Have you ever heard of
a man named Issei Sagawa?

No, should I have?

Mr. Sagawa was a literature
student who ate one

of his classmates because he
wanted to consume her powers.

Your point?

We have people who kill
people over here too.

Yeah, but after the trial,

he was let go on a technicality.

He then became a mini-celebrity in Japan,

did all kinds of interviews,
even did televised appearances.

I still don't see where
you're going with this.

Here's the kicker though.

Right after that, he
became a restaurant critic

for a magazine.

He went from cannibal to food critic

in just a couple of years.

Hey, at least he had
a good business plan,

eat bitches, get money.

You don't find it the
least bit disconcerting

that someone who was
arrested for cannibalism

became a celebrity?

It's no different than when people

in the US become famous
for stupid reasons.

All cultures have their weak points.

Huh.

That's pretty impressive.

You didn't flinch once
during that little story.

You know, I wanted to know
for sure who the leader was,

and now I definitely know it's you.

Stop trying to figure us out.

Your only role here is
to give us the money.

Would you rather we go after your family?

Maybe that will provide a
little extra motivation, huh?

You see, I believe it when you say that.

The first guy, he's too soft.

He's only here 'cause you told him to be.

And the big guy, well, he hasn't had

an original thought since he was a fetus.

He's cold, but he's dumb, so
he doesn't scare me either.

And what about me?

Why do you take me more
seriously than the others?

Because you got something to lose.

That's why you planned this kidnapping,

and that's why you've been so calm.

You need the money.

You're wrong.

If I'm so wrong, then
let me go right now.

Fuck you.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

You do know that if you
kill me you can't get any

of my money, and that brings us to sort

of an impasse, doesn't it?

We will get that money
one way or another, Tommy.

Say my name like that again, will you?

I love the way it makes my toes curl up.

I'm tired of these games.

You have 10 minutes to agree
to comply with our demands.

If we have to come back in
here again, it won't be pretty.

I'm looking forward to it, DeVito.

It'll be fun.

Did he say he was going
to give us the money?

No.

Did he try and mess with you?

Yeah, he did.

That kid has deep, deep-seated problems.

So what do we do now?

I don't think we have another choice.

We have to show him we mean business.

Does that mean we have to...

Yes.

It means we have to torture him.

Finally.

Don't sound so excited, weirdo.

Sorry.

(ALLEN SIGHS)

I can't do it.

What?

Look, I'll help you kidnap someone,

but I can't torture a guy.

I just don't have the stomach for it.

Well, I do.

So let's get to it.

Allen, you've helped enough.

You can wait in here if you want.

Come on, John, let's go do this.

Wait a second.

What?

I have an idea.

Which is?

I know a way we can hurt him

without actually causing
any permanent damage.

Hell, it's not even illegal.

Okay, what is it?

Does your dad still keep
snacks in his mini-fridge?

I think so, why?

I need some vegetable

and something with a lot of sugar in it.

What the hell are you talking about?

If you give someone a vegetable

with something with a lot of sugar

at the same time, it messes
with their amino acids.

It causes massive intestinal pain.

What does that even mean?

It means that Allen wants to torture him

with a stomachache.

Not just any stomachache.

He's gonna have to shit so
bad he's gonna be crying.

So that's your big idea?

Don't let him go to the bathroom?

Hold him in that room till he pops?

You won't be happy until
he's screaming, will you?

No.

Wait, I actually kind of like this idea.

Tommy always was a vain bastard.

He wouldn't want someone to
see him shitting himself.

I don't think that's a vanity thing.

I think that's just a
day-to-day thing, man.

Plus, I do like the idea

of nature doing most of the work for us.

Let's at least try it
before you do anything else.

Fine.

But if this doesn't work...

Yeah, we know, you wanna hurt the kid.

At least someone around here
hasn't completely lost it.

Hey, you have no idea what he did to me.

You're right, I don't,
because you won't tell me.

I've been your best friend for how long

and you won't tell me
what happened to you?

Listen, both of you need to
chill out right the fuck now.

Don't you see this is what he wants?

Divide and conquer, and we're
not gonna let him do that.

(KEVIN SIGHS)

John, can you please do something for me?

Sure.

Go in there and check on him.

And do not, and I mean
this, do not hurt him.

Okay, I got it.

All right, let's see if your
dad has any food around here.

What, did your partners
get tired of waiting

so they sent you in here to mess me up?

I can't touch you.

Yet.

Are you ever gonna tell
me why you hate me so much?

JOHN: Nope.

I didn't think so.

I don't even know why I bothered asking.

Hey, can you do me a favor?

What is it?

I got bit by a mosquito
like 10 minutes ago

and that shit is really starting to itch.

Can you scratch it for me?

Shut up.

All right.

God.

So you find anything yet?

Nope.

Hey, I've got something.

Pop-Tarts?

Yes.

And they're three months expired.

That's exactly what we need.

Those must be from before
my dad went on his diet.

Hey, let's see what's
in this fridge over here.

I never thought my dad going vegetarian

would help me during a kidnapping.

I'm sure he started eating healthier

so you can commit felonies more easily.

Come on, we have a snack to go make.

Hey, Allen.

Yeah?

If Tommy shits in my dad's
office, I'm gonna kill you.

Just saying.

What's that?

We figured you might be hungry,
so we brought you a snack.

We can't have you fainting on us.

Not yet anyway.

What is it?

Mm, some carrots and half a Pop-Tart.

Of course, if you're not
hungry, you don't have to eat it.

But this is a one time offer.

It's the only time
we're going to feed you.

ALLEN: So take it or leave it.

(TOMMY SIGHS)

All right, yeah, I'll have some.

Are you at least gonna
untie me so I can eat it?

Fat chance.

We're gonna feed you.

Well, that's fucking awkward.

You know that, right?

Yeah.

It's perfectly normal that
I'm feeding a grown-ass man

some carrots and half a Pop-Tart.

I do this all the time.

Just shut up and eat the food.

Okay.

(CARROT CRUNCHING)

Are you good or you wanna
finish the whole thing?

(TOMMY CHUCKLES)

Poor choice of words, Ice.

Can you just answer his
fucking question, please?

Yeah, I'm good.

Thank you.

KEVIN: Arnold, you
stay here and watch him.

Ice and I are gonna go
back to lookout duty.

Got it.

(FINGERS POPPING)

So how long is this supposed to take?

Only a few minutes.

Since these Pop-Tarts are stale,

the effect should be even more intense.

How did you know not to
mix those foods anyway?

In one of my culinary classes.

We had an entire lecture about
foods that don't mix and why.

Interesting.

JOHN: Guys, get in here now.

What did you guys put in that food?

ALLEN: Nothing.

We just put two foods together

that we knew would mess with your stomach.

You guys are intentionally
trying to make me shit myself?

JOHN: I think he's
prairie dogging it, guys.

I am.

ALLEN: Jesus, man.

All right, so here are your options.

You can either agree to
withdraw that money for us,

or we let you shit yourself.

And then let you sit in it.

For hours.

So what's it gonna be?

Fuck you.

Now is not the time
to be getting hostile.

Oh, did I mention we'll take pictures

and send them to the newspaper?

People aren't buying the paper anymore,

so they'll run anything for a story.

You're gonna make the
front page again, Tommy.

Congratulations.

You motherfuckers.

Come on, what's it gonna be?

How this ends is totally up to you.

All right, all right,
all right, you guys win.

Just please untie me, I gotta shit now.

Please, please.

KEVIN: Untie him.

Where's the bathroom?

Go outside and it'll be
the first room on your right.

Don't worry, there aren't
any windows in there.

He won't be going anywhere.

I still don't trust him.

I'm gonna go wait
outside the door for him.

Did you know he had that knife with him?

KEVIN: Nope.

Remind me never to
fuck with him ever again.

KEVIN: Yup.

So we did it.

Inside, I feel like
a fat kid on Halloween.

But it's 3:30 in the morning,
so I'm fucking tired.

We get it.

So, I'm gonna help my
parents pay off their mortgage,

but what are you guys gonna do
with your share of the money?

I forgot to ask you before.

I'm gonna open up a restaurant.

Don't you think people will start asking

where you got the money from?

Eh, I'll just tell 'em I
took out a loan or something.

And what about you, John?

I think I'm going to go back to school.

Seriously?

Yeah.

Over the past few days,

I realized that I don't want
to be a PE teacher anymore.

Then what are you gonna do now?

You know, I don't really know really.

But this time, I'll have
time to think about it

instead of just flipping a coin.

You chose your college
major by flipping a coin?

Hey, at least he's not
getting into business.

That's worse.

What was the other
choice for the coin flip,

if you don't mind me asking.

Microbiology.

What?

I didn't know something
could hurt that badly.

Thanks for not making it worse.

Thank you for finally
coming to your senses.

Now that you're being
reasonable, we can all go home now.

Speaking of home, would you mind

calling that fat fuck
outside my house off now?

After we get the money,
we'll call him off.

You can even watch me make the phone call.

Fair enough.

What time does the bank open?

In about four and a half hours.

So, what, you guys are just
gonna keep me here until then?

Pretty much.

We have to make sure that you don't

back out of your part of the deal.

You do understand, right?

Yeah, yeah, I do.

(JOHN SNEEZES)

Oh shit.

Seriously?

Oh my god, it was you guys?

Allen Young, John Savalas,
and Kevin Colangelo?

We can explain.

It's not what it looks like.

I mean, I knew you guys
were the kings of pranking

back in the day, but this was intense.

Yeah, you know, the older you get,

the more you have to step
up your game, I guess.

I guess so.

I mean, there's no way in hell
you guys could be criminals.

I mean, look, you even brought
a fake shotgun with you.

Yeah, yeah, we did.

We had to bring along something

a little extra to convince you.

Convince me?

You guys were convincing,
especially you, John.

Thanks?

You're not still mad about that thing

from a few years ago, are you?

Um.

No, he's not.

His memory is bad sometimes.

Can you explain to us
what you're talking about?

Oh, he walked in on his sister

giving me a reverse Miss Daisy.

What is a reverse Miss Daisy?

Oh, you've never heard of it?

No.

It's when you take a
girl grocery shopping

and then afterwards,
she gives you a handjob.

You've been angry all
this time over a handjob?

I thought he fucked her after
they went grocery shopping.

All I said was, was that they hooked up.

And it was still fucking weird, okay?

I thought you said he
wasn't mad about it anymore.

He lied.

Look, dude, I'm sorry about messing

around with your sister, all right?

I didn't know you were still mad about it.

We were friends, man.

You two say you're going
to run an errand together.

You two go the grocery store,

come back with a few candy bars,

and then two minutes later, what do I see?

It only took her two minutes to go

from a Butterfinger to a handjob?

She works quick, man.

Oh hell no.

Dude, I said I was sorry, all right?

Are we cool?

Thank God that's over.

Yeah, so what have you guys
been up to since we graduated?

Last I heard, you went
to some college upstate.

What are you doing back
in this part of town?

It wasn't by choice, man.

We couldn't find work up there,

so we all had to move
back in with our parents.

It's pretty terrible.

Wait, you guys are looking for jobs?

Yeah.

Oh, I totally need help
getting this new website

up and running.

What kind of website?

We're gonna be writing press
releases for new porn sites.

Wait, you're the one
that put that ad up?

You saw the ad?

Yeah, a few days ago.

Yep, that was me.

What's the starting pay?

Well, I mean, we go back
awhile, so say, $20 an hour?

I'm in.

Yeah, me too.

What about you, Kev?

That sounds great.

Awesome, awesome.

Well, now that this prank
is over, can I go home?

Sure, man, we'll get you out of here.

Thank you.

Let's go.

(PLEASANT GUITAR MUSIC)

KEVIN: So what time are we supposed

to show up for work tomorrow?

TOMMY: Just drop by
my house at like noon.

KEVIN: Okay.

So I'll see you guys tomorrow?

We'll be here.

All right, see you then.

Hey, Tommy.

Yeah?

Thanks for helping us out.

Oh, not a problem.

It's better for society
if you guys are working

than out pranking people anyway, right?

See you tomorrow.

Is anyone gonna try and explain to me

what just happened back there?

Well, we kidnapped Tommy Booth

and he ended up offering us jobs.

That's pretty much it.

You know we can't tell
anyone about this, right?

That's a given.

You know, the only reason
we're not in jail right now

is because we're so bad at
crime that people we went

to high school with can't
actually picture us trying it.

I'm aware of that.

At least we don't have to
be criminals forever now.

You know, this didn't work
out quite the way I planned,

but I think we're gonna be okay.

Some money is better than no money.

You can say that again.

Hey, is anyone else hungry?

Yeah, what are you in the mood for?

Pancakes.

You wanna get pancakes after
you just kidnapped someone?

Yeah, I do.

Kidnapping is a lot of work
and pancakes have carbs.

It's hard to argue with that.

It's his job to make things

hard to argue with, he's a lawyer.

Actually, I just made
a slight career change.

Now I work in public relations.

Touche, dude, touche.

Hey, guys, I just wanna
say something real quick.

You didn't have to be here
tonight and put yourselves

on the line like that
for me, so thank you.

Seriously, I know I don't say that enough,

but thank you both.

Don't worry about it, man.

Just remember, if any of us
gets arrested, you owe us one.

True story.

Duly noted.

What time is it?

It's almost five in the morning.

Those goddamn pancakes better be amazing

or we're gonna make history.

How?

By being the first people
to riot in a Denny's.

So, do you think we'll meet any

of those porn stars we write about?

Allen, don't scowl at me,
you're supposed to be driving.

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

♪ You might know more than me ♪

♪ Have more than one degree ♪

♪ You won't get out scot-free, though ♪

♪ Your soul is theirs, you see ♪

♪ Options are all run out ♪

♪ You have been cast with much doubt ♪

♪ You constantly feel life is such so ♪

♪ With no chance to walk about ♪

♪ With no chance to walk about ♪

♪ The only reason that
I'm in this moment ♪

♪ Is because I really deserve this ♪

♪ Ask my friends, 'cause
I might only know this ♪

♪ The way to make a living is to take it ♪

♪ We're not and it's for a good reason ♪

♪ They make us feel weak
and then it's treason ♪

♪ Kind of mad, this feels like a ransom ♪

♪ The way to make a living is to take it ♪

♪ The only reason that
I'm in this moment ♪

♪ Is because I really deserve this ♪

♪ Ask my friends, 'cause
I might only notice ♪

♪ The way to make a living is to take it ♪

♪ We're not and it's for a good reason ♪

♪ They make us feel weak
and then it's treason ♪

♪ Kind of mad, it feels like a ransom ♪

♪ The way to make a living is to take it ♪

♪ Turn to a life of crime ♪

♪ That way we save a dime ♪

♪ Get what we want out of life now ♪

♪ Make the most of our time ♪

♪ Our luck is all run dry ♪

♪ Catcher is in the rye ♪

♪ Our innocence has just died ♪

♪ And no one can hear us cry ♪

♪ No one can hear us cry ♪

♪ The only reason that
I'm in this moment ♪

♪ Is because I really deserve this ♪

♪ Ask my friends, 'cause
I might only notice ♪

♪ The way to make a living is to take it ♪

♪ We're not and it's for a good reason ♪

♪ They make us feel weak
and then it's treason ♪

♪ Kind of mad, this feels like a ransom ♪

♪ The way to make a living is to take it ♪

♪ The only reason that
I'm in this moment ♪

♪ Is because I really deserve this ♪

♪ Ask my friends, 'cause
I might only notice ♪

♪ The way to make a living is to take it ♪

♪ We're not but it's for a good reason ♪

♪ They make us feel weak
and that it's treason ♪

♪ Kinda mad this feels like a ransom ♪

♪ The way to make a living is to take it ♪

Subtitles by explosiveskull

(RHYTHMIC ELECTRONIC MUSIC)