Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:06,049 --> 00:00:07,442
Hey.
2
00:00:07,485 --> 00:00:08,791
For Emma's quinceañera,
3
00:00:08,834 --> 00:00:10,271
am I supposed to just get her money,
4
00:00:10,314 --> 00:00:11,707
or if I wanted to add something extra,
5
00:00:11,750 --> 00:00:14,057
would she like a NutriBullet,
6
00:00:14,101 --> 00:00:16,103
makeup, rosary beads,
7
00:00:16,146 --> 00:00:19,497
a T-shirt that says "Slay all day"?
8
00:00:19,541 --> 00:00:21,282
She's gonna like whatever you get her.
9
00:00:21,325 --> 00:00:22,457
I just want it to be good, you know?
10
00:00:22,500 --> 00:00:24,067
I always feel like
Emma doesn't like me.
11
00:00:24,111 --> 00:00:25,590
What? Why?
12
00:00:25,634 --> 00:00:27,853
She always goes to her room
whenever I come over.
13
00:00:27,897 --> 00:00:29,507
And there was the time
she saw in the towel
14
00:00:29,551 --> 00:00:30,682
and it was never addressed.
15
00:00:30,726 --> 00:00:33,207
Jonah, she's 15 years old.
16
00:00:33,250 --> 00:00:36,427
If you're not Ariana Grande
or Gritty, she's not into it.
17
00:00:36,471 --> 00:00:37,820
Yeah, but I'm, like, the guy
18
00:00:37,863 --> 00:00:39,778
who stole her mom away from her dad.
19
00:00:39,822 --> 00:00:41,693
Yeah, no, you're right. It's true.
20
00:00:41,737 --> 00:00:45,436
I was in a happy, fulfilling,
blissful marriage
21
00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:47,699
that would have just gone on
forever and ever
22
00:00:47,743 --> 00:00:50,311
if you hadn't swooped in
and started whispering
23
00:00:50,354 --> 00:00:52,226
"This American Life"
stories into my ear
24
00:00:52,269 --> 00:00:53,227
until my panties dropped.
25
00:00:53,270 --> 00:00:54,619
I'm just saying.
26
00:00:54,663 --> 00:00:57,187
I don't need to go if
it's gonna make things weird.
27
00:00:57,231 --> 00:00:59,102
I mean, between Emma and Adam...
28
00:00:59,146 --> 00:01:01,365
It's not going to be weird.
29
00:01:01,409 --> 00:01:03,541
Calm down. I want you to be there.
30
00:01:03,585 --> 00:01:05,501
It would be weird if you weren't there.
31
00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:07,545
You sure?
32
00:01:07,589 --> 00:01:10,461
- Yes.
- Okay. Okay.
33
00:01:10,505 --> 00:01:12,637
Has she ever brought
up the towel thing?
34
00:01:12,681 --> 00:01:14,551
Because it was tied pretty low.
35
00:01:15,466 --> 00:01:17,120
It's been discussed.
36
00:01:30,525 --> 00:01:33,702
Emma, hey! Happy quinceañera.
37
00:01:33,745 --> 00:01:36,139
- Thanks.
- That dress is great.
38
00:01:36,183 --> 00:01:39,403
Somebody is ready for the red carpet.
39
00:01:39,447 --> 00:01:40,353
Okay.
40
00:01:41,188 --> 00:01:42,450
Hey, you two, could I get a photo?
41
00:01:42,493 --> 00:01:44,756
- Ah, oh, yeah. Sure.
- All right.
42
00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:46,295
Go ahead and smile.
43
00:01:46,671 --> 00:01:48,934
Ah, go ahead and actually
get close together.
44
00:01:48,978 --> 00:01:50,849
Oh, hey, Adam, how's it going, buddy?
45
00:01:50,893 --> 00:01:52,547
- Hi. Hey.
- All right.
46
00:01:52,590 --> 00:01:54,201
Emma, what don't you take
a little step forward?
47
00:01:54,244 --> 00:01:55,724
And, Dad, go ahead
and throw your arms around her.
48
00:01:55,767 --> 00:01:57,291
- Ew, he's not my Dad.
- Yeah, I'm not...
49
00:01:57,334 --> 00:01:59,249
- "Ew" seems strong.
- I'm the father.
50
00:01:59,293 --> 00:02:00,946
Yeah, I'm just the boyfriend.
51
00:02:00,990 --> 00:02:03,384
Oh, no, the mother's boyfriend.
52
00:02:03,427 --> 00:02:05,603
I'm not... I'm not her boy...
53
00:02:05,647 --> 00:02:07,431
You know what? You should
probably do this instead of me.
54
00:02:07,475 --> 00:02:09,651
- The father-daughter photo?
- Yeah, maybe.
55
00:02:10,123 --> 00:02:11,000
Probably should.
56
00:02:11,043 --> 00:02:12,697
Oh, wow, I'm gonna have
to zoom out on that one.
57
00:02:12,741 --> 00:02:15,396
- You're so much taller, right?
- Thank you.
58
00:02:15,439 --> 00:02:17,441
There he is. Yeah, I like it.
That's good.
59
00:02:17,485 --> 00:02:19,791
Yeah, you guys,
you're both so... so beautiful.
60
00:02:21,532 --> 00:02:22,794
Thank you.
61
00:02:22,838 --> 00:02:25,623
Oh, you guys, went all out.
62
00:02:25,667 --> 00:02:27,625
Yeah, it was gonna be a little smaller,
63
00:02:27,669 --> 00:02:31,629
but then I... I got my promotion,
and I was like, "o it up."
64
00:02:31,673 --> 00:02:32,848
Bo really wanted to come,
65
00:02:32,891 --> 00:02:34,763
but one of his suits
is at the dry cleaner's
66
00:02:34,806 --> 00:02:36,591
and the other one's haunted.
67
00:02:36,634 --> 00:02:38,854
Okay. Yeah, those things happen.
68
00:02:38,897 --> 00:02:41,552
Oh, and, Amy,
Jerusha had to watch Rose,
69
00:02:41,596 --> 00:02:44,860
but there was no way that I was
gonna miss this celebration
70
00:02:44,903 --> 00:02:47,645
of Emma's transition
from girlhood to womanhood
71
00:02:47,689 --> 00:02:50,387
with cultural roots in Mesoamerica.
72
00:02:50,431 --> 00:02:52,868
Thank you, Glenn. Did you
spend some time on Wikipedia?
73
00:02:52,911 --> 00:02:55,305
Yeah, I did. How?
74
00:02:55,349 --> 00:02:57,264
- Where's Emma?
- She's over there.
75
00:02:57,307 --> 00:02:59,309
- Oh.
- Aw.
76
00:02:59,353 --> 00:03:01,088
Look at her, in her dress.
77
00:03:01,089 --> 00:03:02,878
I wore that dress to my quinceañera.
78
00:03:02,921 --> 00:03:04,793
I can't believe it.
79
00:03:04,836 --> 00:03:07,317
Just yesterday,
she was this little baby,
80
00:03:07,361 --> 00:03:10,326
and now she's this grown woman.
81
00:03:11,974 --> 00:03:14,498
I'm so sorry.
I have a lot of feelings today.
82
00:03:14,542 --> 00:03:15,517
Excuse me.
83
00:03:16,108 --> 00:03:18,415
I don't think I've ever
seen Amy show emotion before.
84
00:03:18,465 --> 00:03:19,724
I know, it's so weird.
85
00:03:19,725 --> 00:03:22,419
It's like, I once saw
my dentist yell at a stripper,
86
00:03:22,463 --> 00:03:26,336
and it was like,
"Oh, you do have feelings."
87
00:03:26,380 --> 00:03:29,731
Amy doesn't cry often,
but when she does, oh, boy.
88
00:03:29,774 --> 00:03:32,299
- What do you mean?
- Oh, it's awful.
89
00:03:32,342 --> 00:03:34,301
It's like...
90
00:03:34,344 --> 00:03:37,391
No, it's, um...
91
00:03:37,434 --> 00:03:39,001
No, I can't do it.
92
00:03:39,044 --> 00:03:40,568
I would really like to see that.
93
00:03:41,046 --> 00:03:42,537
- Me too.
- Mm.
94
00:03:51,405 --> 00:03:53,407
Why are you lurking in the corner?
95
00:03:53,450 --> 00:03:55,322
I'm not lurking.
96
00:03:55,365 --> 00:03:57,802
I'm standing silently in the shadows.
97
00:03:57,846 --> 00:03:59,282
Lurking works, yeah.
98
00:03:59,326 --> 00:04:02,132
I'm just trying to stay out
of everyone's way, you know?
99
00:04:02,286 --> 00:04:04,287
Jonah, relax. It's a party.
100
00:04:04,331 --> 00:04:06,724
You should be mingling.
Go talk to someone
101
00:04:06,768 --> 00:04:08,683
about how second season
of "Patriot" gets better.
102
00:04:08,726 --> 00:04:09,727
It doesn't.
103
00:04:09,771 --> 00:04:11,555
See? This is a great conversation.
104
00:04:11,599 --> 00:04:12,904
Get out there.
105
00:04:12,948 --> 00:04:16,299
Oh, Mom, Dad! Come! Come here!
106
00:04:16,343 --> 00:04:17,909
- Just talk to them.
- I... I'm fine...
107
00:04:17,953 --> 00:04:19,694
You remember Jonah.
108
00:04:19,737 --> 00:04:22,827
- Hey, guys! Hey!
- Nice to see you.
109
00:04:22,871 --> 00:04:24,786
- Hi, Jonah.
- It's been a while. Hi.
110
00:04:24,829 --> 00:04:26,614
Er, yeah, yeah. It's good to see you.
111
00:04:26,657 --> 00:04:29,051
Connie, I love that dress.
112
00:04:29,094 --> 00:04:31,880
Somebody is ready for the red carpet.
113
00:04:31,923 --> 00:04:33,247
Thank you.
114
00:04:33,969 --> 00:04:35,405
You know, I think
115
00:04:35,449 --> 00:04:37,102
- you're running low on ice.
- I don't think we are.
116
00:04:37,146 --> 00:04:38,626
Well, nobody ever thinks
they're running low on ice
117
00:04:38,669 --> 00:04:40,715
until they're actually low
on ice, and then it's too late,
118
00:04:40,758 --> 00:04:43,065
so I'm gonna go get
some ice from outside.
119
00:04:43,108 --> 00:04:45,372
Uh, excuse me.
120
00:04:48,157 --> 00:04:49,767
It's his first quinceañera.
121
00:04:49,811 --> 00:04:51,726
If everybody could take their seats,
122
00:04:51,769 --> 00:04:53,771
we're gonna begin
the presentation of Emma
123
00:04:53,815 --> 00:04:55,730
and her court ofdamas y chambelanes
124
00:04:55,773 --> 00:04:57,167
in just a few minutes.
125
00:04:58,646 --> 00:05:00,343
They're breasts!
126
00:05:00,387 --> 00:05:02,649
- I wasn't... I was just...
- Uh-huh.
127
00:05:03,390 --> 00:05:06,480
It was a bold choice
to wear a dress like that
128
00:05:06,523 --> 00:05:08,482
at a party full
of a bunch of horny teens.
129
00:05:08,525 --> 00:05:10,092
You're really putting
the ladies out there.
130
00:05:10,135 --> 00:05:11,833
Why should I have to police my body
131
00:05:11,876 --> 00:05:13,748
because the men of this world
can't keep it in their pants?
132
00:05:13,791 --> 00:05:15,793
- I agree.
- I mean, if Emma was Wiccan,
133
00:05:15,837 --> 00:05:16,925
we would be all naked right now,
134
00:05:16,968 --> 00:05:18,361
dancing around a fire pentacle
135
00:05:18,405 --> 00:05:19,667
and grabbing each other's crotches.
136
00:05:19,710 --> 00:05:21,146
It really sounds like
you've done that before.
137
00:05:21,190 --> 00:05:22,227
A couple of times.
138
00:05:33,550 --> 00:05:37,380
And put your hands together
for Marco and Daniela.
139
00:05:42,951 --> 00:05:45,954
All right, and now,
everybody, on your feet.
140
00:05:45,997 --> 00:05:47,782
It gives me great pleasure
to introduce to you
141
00:05:47,825 --> 00:05:51,655
thequinceañera herself,
Emma Dubanowski!
142
00:05:55,224 --> 00:05:57,966
Oh, uh, I'm sorry, I didn't
realize you guys were...
143
00:05:58,009 --> 00:05:59,620
- I'm so sorry.
- Oh, watch out.
144
00:05:59,663 --> 00:06:02,013
Oh, so sorry, sorry, sorry.
I'm sorry, I was getting ice.
145
00:06:02,057 --> 00:06:04,015
We can see that, big guy.
Just get out of the way.
146
00:06:04,059 --> 00:06:07,018
Okay, I'm sorry. I'm...
147
00:06:07,062 --> 00:06:08,150
Okay, sorry. I'm sorry.
148
00:06:08,193 --> 00:06:10,108
If you guys... just... just back up.
149
00:06:10,152 --> 00:06:12,415
I don't want anybody to slip.
It's... it's slippery.
150
00:06:12,459 --> 00:06:14,591
It's good to see Jonah again.
151
00:06:14,635 --> 00:06:15,940
I'm glad that's happening for you.
152
00:06:15,984 --> 00:06:17,681
- Thank you.
- You know what?
153
00:06:17,725 --> 00:06:19,030
We're gonna take a break
and clear the floor,
154
00:06:19,074 --> 00:06:20,292
so everyone just chill
155
00:06:20,336 --> 00:06:21,990
and we'll take it again from the top.
156
00:06:22,033 --> 00:06:25,472
Okay, again, very sorry.
157
00:06:25,515 --> 00:06:26,908
If you need anything, I'm just gonna...
158
00:06:26,951 --> 00:06:28,257
you don't need anything.
You guys are good.
159
00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:31,561
I'm... okay. I'm gonna
stop talking right now.
160
00:06:32,087 --> 00:06:35,220
So, uh, I'm gonna write down my email.
161
00:06:35,264 --> 00:06:38,049
If you could send me
a copy of this video,
162
00:06:38,093 --> 00:06:39,550
that would be great.
163
00:06:39,593 --> 00:06:43,423
It could be any file, any size.
I don't care.
164
00:06:45,607 --> 00:06:47,261
Come on, it wasn't that bad.
165
00:06:47,304 --> 00:06:48,523
If anything, you did her a favor.
166
00:06:48,567 --> 00:06:50,351
How many girls get to do
their entrance twice?
167
00:06:51,327 --> 00:06:54,102
One of the kids said,
"Smooth move, dick."
168
00:06:54,822 --> 00:06:56,277
Like, just so uncalled for.
169
00:06:56,771 --> 00:06:58,620
I'm sure most of them
didn't even notice.
170
00:06:59,689 --> 00:07:01,144
Look at them. Hey!
171
00:07:02,134 --> 00:07:04,191
Hey! Hey!
172
00:07:05,223 --> 00:07:05,758
Hello?
173
00:07:06,766 --> 00:07:07,542
Oh, my God.
174
00:07:08,569 --> 00:07:10,396
Look, I just want you to know
175
00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:12,268
that nothing happened
between Jonah and Amy
176
00:07:12,311 --> 00:07:13,617
while you guys were together.
177
00:07:13,661 --> 00:07:15,184
I mean, sure they kissed
during the tornado,
178
00:07:15,227 --> 00:07:16,315
but I'm pretty sure that was it.
179
00:07:16,359 --> 00:07:17,795
Well, thanks for letting me know that.
180
00:07:17,839 --> 00:07:20,145
Yeah. But then, of course,
there was the sex tape
181
00:07:20,189 --> 00:07:22,147
that happened at work.
182
00:07:22,191 --> 00:07:25,614
If it helps, we found out
later, Amy didn't finish.
183
00:07:26,587 --> 00:07:28,676
Jonah did, though, so...
184
00:07:29,299 --> 00:07:31,635
- Sorry about that.
- Buddy, cut it out.
185
00:07:31,679 --> 00:07:33,530
- Cut what out?
- Dude, look,
186
00:07:33,531 --> 00:07:35,596
I was your age once.
I was obsessed with breasts.
187
00:07:35,639 --> 00:07:37,293
I'm still a fan, but she's my friend,
188
00:07:37,336 --> 00:07:38,816
so stop staring at her.
189
00:07:38,860 --> 00:07:42,080
I wasn't. I don't care about
some lady's fake boobs.
190
00:07:42,124 --> 00:07:43,299
Okay, all right.
191
00:07:43,342 --> 00:07:44,866
Well, they're real, but whatever.
192
00:07:44,909 --> 00:07:46,607
They're totally fake.
193
00:07:46,650 --> 00:07:48,347
You can tell when they're
too round like that.
194
00:07:48,391 --> 00:07:50,219
Dude, don't act like
you know about breasts.
195
00:07:50,262 --> 00:07:51,699
I dated her. They're real.
196
00:07:51,742 --> 00:07:52,705
You dated her?
197
00:07:53,570 --> 00:07:54,702
So you've, like, seen them?
198
00:07:54,745 --> 00:07:56,660
Yeah. When adults date each other,
199
00:07:56,704 --> 00:07:58,227
they show each other their boobs.
200
00:07:58,270 --> 00:08:00,229
What are they like? Are they awesome?
201
00:08:00,272 --> 00:08:03,313
Buddy, I'm not telling you about that.
202
00:08:04,712 --> 00:08:06,714
But the right one's a little
perkier than the left one,
203
00:08:06,757 --> 00:08:09,368
but not in like a weird
Picasso kind of way,
204
00:08:09,412 --> 00:08:11,762
and they're sort of spread out,
but not like Admiral Ackbar.
205
00:08:11,806 --> 00:08:13,198
It's like they're...
206
00:08:13,242 --> 00:08:14,739
You know what?
207
00:08:15,374 --> 00:08:17,463
I'll just draw 'em for ya. Come on.
208
00:08:19,422 --> 00:08:21,772
And on this day of your quinceañera,
209
00:08:21,816 --> 00:08:26,124
I wanted to get you
something muy especial, so...
210
00:08:27,343 --> 00:08:28,474
Holy [bleep].
211
00:08:28,518 --> 00:08:31,390
It's the traditional last doll,
212
00:08:31,434 --> 00:08:32,740
última muñeca.
213
00:08:32,783 --> 00:08:35,438
Jerusha and I worked
really hard on this.
214
00:08:35,481 --> 00:08:36,526
Do you like it?
215
00:08:36,569 --> 00:08:38,571
Yes, mm-hmm. Just say thank you.
216
00:08:38,615 --> 00:08:40,617
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
217
00:08:40,661 --> 00:08:42,706
Oh, if you're wondering
why the hair looks so real?
218
00:08:42,750 --> 00:08:44,229
Because it is.
219
00:08:44,273 --> 00:08:47,145
Yeah, Jerusha got her hair
caught in the garbage disposal,
220
00:08:47,189 --> 00:08:50,192
so, you know, we saved it for you.
221
00:08:50,235 --> 00:08:51,445
Thank you.
222
00:08:52,716 --> 00:08:54,703
Put her away.
223
00:08:55,632 --> 00:08:57,590
- Keep her safe.
- Yeah.
224
00:09:06,338 --> 00:09:08,514
Emma, if I could give you any advice,
225
00:09:08,558 --> 00:09:10,429
it would be,
never give your virtue away.
226
00:09:10,473 --> 00:09:13,432
Hold it, protect it until you meet
227
00:09:13,476 --> 00:09:15,304
that special man
that you will call husband.
228
00:09:15,347 --> 00:09:16,697
This is, like,
the fifth speech in a row
229
00:09:16,740 --> 00:09:17,915
about Emma's virginity.
230
00:09:17,959 --> 00:09:19,221
- It's weird.
- I know.
231
00:09:19,264 --> 00:09:22,441
It's like, who hasn't lost
their virginity by 15?
232
00:09:22,485 --> 00:09:24,530
Studies show that
pushing abstinence on kids
233
00:09:24,574 --> 00:09:25,967
actually makes them
want to have sex more.
234
00:09:26,010 --> 00:09:27,751
Or it encourages them
to try butt stuff,
235
00:09:27,795 --> 00:09:29,710
which, hey, God bless.
236
00:09:29,753 --> 00:09:33,670
So it kind of curves
up here to décolletage.
237
00:09:33,714 --> 00:09:34,758
That's a crumb.
238
00:09:34,802 --> 00:09:37,326
That's not, like, a third nipple.
239
00:09:37,369 --> 00:09:39,994
Then over here,
there's sort of a quick little dip,
240
00:09:39,995 --> 00:09:42,679
like that first drop
in Batman: The Ride.
241
00:09:42,723 --> 00:09:45,334
And I know it seems like
I'm spending a lot of time
242
00:09:45,377 --> 00:09:49,381
on the sternum, but it's really
all about that negative space.
243
00:09:49,425 --> 00:09:51,340
Because losing
the precious gift of chastity
244
00:09:51,383 --> 00:09:53,298
would be the biggest mistake
of your life,
245
00:09:53,342 --> 00:09:55,257
almost as big a mistake
as when this guy
246
00:09:55,300 --> 00:09:56,519
ruined your big entrance.
247
00:10:00,392 --> 00:10:02,481
From before, yeah. Zing.
248
00:10:08,705 --> 00:10:11,494
Because, as we all know,
249
00:10:12,274 --> 00:10:16,713
the unopened chips
always stays the freshest.
250
00:10:16,757 --> 00:10:18,367
Thank you.
251
00:10:18,410 --> 00:10:19,803
Ah, who's next?
252
00:10:19,847 --> 00:10:21,674
Oh, God, no. Pass.
253
00:10:21,718 --> 00:10:23,807
Ouch, so cold.
254
00:10:23,851 --> 00:10:26,984
I don't... I don't mean pass
like I-I-I don't care.
255
00:10:27,028 --> 00:10:29,378
I just... uh...
256
00:10:29,421 --> 00:10:30,858
I... sorry, when I...
257
00:10:30,901 --> 00:10:32,381
when I said, "Pass,"
258
00:10:32,424 --> 00:10:33,904
I just meant, like,
I don't want to say anything.
259
00:10:33,948 --> 00:10:37,560
Not... sorry,
not because I don't like Emma.
260
00:10:37,603 --> 00:10:40,868
It's just, it feels silly
for me to be giving a speech
261
00:10:40,911 --> 00:10:43,636
when I'm not even
a part of the family yet.
262
00:10:43,637 --> 00:10:45,394
- Oh!
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
263
00:10:45,437 --> 00:10:46,830
That doesn't... that's not a... no.
264
00:10:46,874 --> 00:10:48,049
Don't read into the word "yet," no.
265
00:10:48,092 --> 00:10:49,169
Believe me, we're...
266
00:10:49,170 --> 00:10:51,052
We're not getting married, okay?
267
00:10:51,095 --> 00:10:52,488
I mean, I don't mean that we're never...
268
00:10:52,531 --> 00:10:53,794
we're never gonna get married.
269
00:10:53,837 --> 00:10:55,447
I mean, we haven't even
270
00:10:55,491 --> 00:10:57,090
talked about it, right?
271
00:10:57,091 --> 00:10:59,321
You know what? I should probably
272
00:10:59,364 --> 00:11:00,888
just stick with the standard script
273
00:11:00,931 --> 00:11:03,586
and say, um, congrats, Emma,
274
00:11:03,629 --> 00:11:07,808
and I guess stay a virgin
or don't... or don't.
275
00:11:07,851 --> 00:11:11,028
You know, that's...
your sexuality is your own.
276
00:11:11,072 --> 00:11:12,377
- Okay.
- Thank you.
277
00:11:12,421 --> 00:11:16,400
Thank you for those kind words, Jonah.
278
00:11:16,991 --> 00:11:18,775
- Here.
- Just...
279
00:11:19,582 --> 00:11:22,387
But, uh, we got some more
partying to do, folks.
280
00:11:22,431 --> 00:11:25,564
I budgeted six shrimp
per person, so go to town.
281
00:11:25,608 --> 00:11:27,697
And if there aren't any more toasts...
282
00:11:27,740 --> 00:11:30,526
Actually, Amy, uh, I just
wanted to say a few words
283
00:11:30,569 --> 00:11:31,919
on the topic of female pleasure...
284
00:11:33,703 --> 00:11:36,662
Oops, it's... it's broken.
285
00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:43,542
Hi.
286
00:11:43,802 --> 00:11:45,324
How are you doing?
287
00:11:46,062 --> 00:11:48,368
Fantastic. Life of the party.
288
00:11:51,241 --> 00:11:53,330
Man, I am so tired.
289
00:11:53,373 --> 00:11:55,506
I really wish I could go home now.
290
00:11:55,549 --> 00:11:57,290
You can, though, if you wanted to.
291
00:11:57,334 --> 00:11:59,989
You know, if you're...
if you're feeling beat.
292
00:12:00,032 --> 00:12:01,555
I mean, it's only 8:30.
293
00:12:01,599 --> 00:12:05,472
Oh, okay, only 8:30,
Mr. Party All Night.
294
00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:07,257
I wish I could be in bed
with a good book.
295
00:12:07,300 --> 00:12:08,674
Doesn't that sound great?
296
00:12:08,675 --> 00:12:11,391
You've literally never read in bed.
297
00:12:11,435 --> 00:12:14,046
You play "Candy Crush"
until you're snoring.
298
00:12:14,090 --> 00:12:16,570
Ha! Yeah, that's true.
I love that game.
299
00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:20,183
- Maybe I should take off.
- No, no.
300
00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:21,967
That's... that's not what I want.
301
00:12:22,011 --> 00:12:26,276
I-I want you be here,
just not so noticeably.
302
00:12:26,319 --> 00:12:29,540
- That's what I want.
- Fingers crossed.
303
00:12:31,454 --> 00:12:32,789
Excuse me.
304
00:12:32,790 --> 00:12:34,980
Were you the one who drew
these breasts for my child?
305
00:12:35,024 --> 00:12:37,113
What? No. What? Who's your son?
306
00:12:37,156 --> 00:12:38,331
In the future, I'd appreciate
307
00:12:38,375 --> 00:12:40,507
if you didn't give
pornography to my child.
308
00:12:40,551 --> 00:12:42,385
- Mm-hmm.
- He's a child.
309
00:12:42,814 --> 00:12:44,103
Got it, child.
310
00:12:44,424 --> 00:12:45,686
Those are my breasts.
311
00:12:45,730 --> 00:12:49,429
What? No. I drew those from scratch.
312
00:12:49,473 --> 00:12:50,996
I think I'd recognize my own breasts.
313
00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:52,606
I have over 40 mirrors in my house.
314
00:12:52,650 --> 00:12:54,652
Okay, fine, yeah, they're your breasts,
315
00:12:54,695 --> 00:12:56,436
but it was just that this nerd kid
316
00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:58,569
said that they were fake, and
I was like, "No, they're not."
317
00:12:58,612 --> 00:13:00,005
And he's like, "Yes, they are," so I...
318
00:13:00,049 --> 00:13:01,615
This is a really
impressive level of detail.
319
00:13:01,659 --> 00:13:03,008
Did you just do this from memory?
320
00:13:03,052 --> 00:13:04,053
Yeah.
321
00:13:04,096 --> 00:13:05,880
Wow. I guess I didn't realize
322
00:13:05,881 --> 00:13:07,186
how obsessed you are with me.
323
00:13:07,230 --> 00:13:07,931
What?
324
00:13:08,666 --> 00:13:10,233
Well, it's almost sad.
325
00:13:10,276 --> 00:13:12,104
Poor Garrett, pining after a woman
326
00:13:12,148 --> 00:13:13,671
who barely knows he's alive.
327
00:13:13,714 --> 00:13:15,716
No, I think you are reading
way too much into a drawing.
328
00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:16,855
I draw Garfield too.
329
00:13:16,856 --> 00:13:18,710
I don't want to have sex
with Garfield. I'm not Jon.
330
00:13:20,721 --> 00:13:23,681
Stop!
331
00:13:23,724 --> 00:13:26,249
Emma is the spitting image
of you by the way.
332
00:13:26,292 --> 00:13:29,310
Oh, I know. I'm trying not to cry.
333
00:13:30,427 --> 00:13:33,125
Yesterday she was this
little girl in pigtails
334
00:13:33,169 --> 00:13:34,257
running around the house,
335
00:13:34,300 --> 00:13:37,173
and now she's this smart, confident,
336
00:13:37,216 --> 00:13:38,391
beautiful young woman.
337
00:13:38,435 --> 00:13:40,222
You must be so proud.
338
00:13:40,785 --> 00:13:41,764
I am.
339
00:13:42,482 --> 00:13:46,051
And pretty soon, you're
gonna be at her graduation
340
00:13:46,095 --> 00:13:49,363
and then her wedding, then her funeral.
341
00:13:50,229 --> 00:13:51,317
What?
342
00:13:51,361 --> 00:13:54,451
I mean, you know, someday. Not now.
343
00:13:54,494 --> 00:13:55,983
She's not gonna live forever.
344
00:13:56,627 --> 00:13:58,031
Hopefully you'll die first.
345
00:13:58,907 --> 00:13:59,668
Okay.
346
00:14:01,387 --> 00:14:02,693
I'm gonna go, um,
347
00:14:03,851 --> 00:14:06,581
mingle with some other... over there.
348
00:14:07,969 --> 00:14:09,091
She didn't mean it.
349
00:14:09,814 --> 00:14:13,078
- Oh.
- Wow, she is a robot.
350
00:14:18,910 --> 00:14:20,607
Hey, have you tried these?
351
00:14:20,651 --> 00:14:23,697
These are called pastelitos de perro.
352
00:14:23,741 --> 00:14:26,396
It's a traditional Honduran food.
353
00:14:26,439 --> 00:14:28,180
Those are pizza rolls.
354
00:14:28,839 --> 00:14:29,703
Oh.
355
00:14:29,747 --> 00:14:31,575
The Honduran food is here.
356
00:14:31,618 --> 00:14:33,533
Oh, well, that's what I want.
357
00:14:33,577 --> 00:14:35,709
I'm not some boring gringo, you know.
358
00:14:35,753 --> 00:14:38,190
Well, give that spice.
Show me the mole.
359
00:14:38,234 --> 00:14:41,280
Oh, that's it.
360
00:14:44,457 --> 00:14:49,767
♪ Did you ever know
that you're my hero? ♪
361
00:14:49,810 --> 00:14:52,378
- You're Emma's hero, Amy.
- You really are.
362
00:14:52,422 --> 00:14:56,861
♪ Everything I would like to be ♪
363
00:14:56,904 --> 00:15:00,212
- You're her role model.
- She's your only daughter.
364
00:15:00,256 --> 00:15:05,138
♪ I can fly higher than an eagle ♪
365
00:15:05,139 --> 00:15:07,480
- Leaving the nest so soon.
- Never coming back.
366
00:15:07,524 --> 00:15:12,529
♪ You are the wind beneath Emma's ♪
367
00:15:12,572 --> 00:15:19,579
♪ Wings ♪
368
00:15:21,538 --> 00:15:25,150
Thank you, guys. Very cool. Thank you.
369
00:15:28,197 --> 00:15:30,155
Do you have the dead grandma
song from "Coco"?
370
00:15:30,199 --> 00:15:32,679
No, no, maybe we should get
back to the dancing.
371
00:15:32,723 --> 00:15:34,028
I think you're gonna wanna hear this.
372
00:15:34,072 --> 00:15:35,421
You're gonna wanna
hear this, definitely.
373
00:15:35,465 --> 00:15:37,423
Like at night, when
you fantasize about me,
374
00:15:37,467 --> 00:15:40,383
do you think of a specific
incident of us having sex,
375
00:15:40,426 --> 00:15:42,428
or is it more just picturing me
there in the moment?
376
00:15:42,472 --> 00:15:44,558
- Please stop.
- All right.
377
00:15:45,344 --> 00:15:47,564
If you're not obsessed with me,
then I guess you won't care
378
00:15:47,607 --> 00:15:49,174
if I ask McLovin over there to dance.
379
00:15:49,218 --> 00:15:51,568
- Be my guest.
- Okay, I will.
380
00:15:51,611 --> 00:15:53,483
Hey, acne... Let's dance.
381
00:15:53,526 --> 00:15:56,747
Me? Yeah. Sure. We did
ballroom in gym one time.
382
00:15:56,790 --> 00:15:58,836
Oh, good.
383
00:16:03,063 --> 00:16:03,772
Hey.
384
00:16:04,755 --> 00:16:05,462
Hey.
385
00:16:06,496 --> 00:16:07,801
Everything all right?
386
00:16:08,846 --> 00:16:10,245
Yeah, I hear ya.
387
00:16:11,979 --> 00:16:14,547
Look, I'm sorry about all
the... you know, the ice
388
00:16:14,591 --> 00:16:18,247
and the speech, the towel incident.
389
00:16:18,290 --> 00:16:20,510
I really didn't think
that you were home.
390
00:16:22,599 --> 00:16:24,262
I...
391
00:16:25,341 --> 00:16:28,779
I really like your Mom
and I know she loves you
392
00:16:28,822 --> 00:16:31,651
and then I get all in my head
about wanting you to like me.
393
00:16:31,695 --> 00:16:32,994
And then...
394
00:16:34,031 --> 00:16:35,296
I am so high.
395
00:16:36,047 --> 00:16:37,806
- What?
- I'm freaking out.
396
00:16:38,658 --> 00:16:39,417
Oh.
397
00:16:56,023 --> 00:16:58,243
My cousin Marco brought a vape pen,
398
00:16:58,287 --> 00:17:00,289
and, at first, I didn't feel anything
399
00:17:00,332 --> 00:17:01,899
and so I did some more
400
00:17:01,942 --> 00:17:04,118
and then I wasn't even sure
if there was anything in it
401
00:17:04,162 --> 00:17:05,278
because Marco is a liar
402
00:17:05,279 --> 00:17:07,992
and now I am very feeling
something a lot.
403
00:17:08,035 --> 00:17:10,864
Okay, okay,
it's... it's... it's gonna be okay.
404
00:17:10,908 --> 00:17:12,866
I feel like my heart's
filling with blood.
405
00:17:12,910 --> 00:17:14,955
Then it's doing its job.
406
00:17:14,999 --> 00:17:16,218
Listen, you know what I'm gonna do?
407
00:17:16,261 --> 00:17:17,262
I'm gonna get your Mom...
408
00:17:17,306 --> 00:17:19,090
No, no, you can't tell my parents.
409
00:17:19,133 --> 00:17:21,745
Right. Right. Right. Okay. Okay.
410
00:17:21,788 --> 00:17:25,879
Well, then we're just gonna
sit here and ride it out.
411
00:17:25,923 --> 00:17:29,231
Hey, can I sit with my little princess?
412
00:17:29,274 --> 00:17:30,884
Nah, we're good.
413
00:17:30,928 --> 00:17:32,110
I'd like to sit
with my granddaughter...
414
00:17:32,111 --> 00:17:33,075
Connie, please!
415
00:17:39,371 --> 00:17:42,113
The kid says he thinks
I'm hotter than Tia Carrere.
416
00:17:42,156 --> 00:17:44,071
- Well, no, I...
- Yeah, yeah.
417
00:17:44,115 --> 00:17:45,638
He's super into me!
418
00:17:45,682 --> 00:17:47,041
Okay, cool.
419
00:17:49,207 --> 00:17:50,339
What is she doing?
420
00:17:50,382 --> 00:17:52,341
She's trying to seduce
a 15-year-old kid
421
00:17:52,384 --> 00:17:53,899
in order to make me jealous.
422
00:17:54,775 --> 00:17:56,821
- Is it working?
- Not really.
423
00:17:57,084 --> 00:17:58,956
This is a really nice party.
424
00:17:58,999 --> 00:18:00,044
You know, this whole tent
425
00:18:01,060 --> 00:18:02,570
and the DJ and the centerpieces...
426
00:18:02,571 --> 00:18:05,163
you went... I mean, you went for it.
427
00:18:05,164 --> 00:18:06,963
Yeah, yeah, I did, thank you.
428
00:18:07,069 --> 00:18:10,110
It was really nice
to be able to this for her.
429
00:18:10,278 --> 00:18:10,884
Yeah.
430
00:18:11,234 --> 00:18:13,105
And when it's time for her wedding,
431
00:18:13,141 --> 00:18:16,398
I will...
I will handle the lion's share.
432
00:18:16,399 --> 00:18:18,368
Yeah, yeah, don't sweat it.
433
00:18:18,369 --> 00:18:19,837
It's good. I got it covered.
434
00:18:19,838 --> 00:18:23,276
I actually just bought
some stock in a drone company,
435
00:18:23,277 --> 00:18:25,116
so it's gonna even out pretty quick.
436
00:18:27,311 --> 00:18:28,484
Sounds promising.
437
00:18:28,485 --> 00:18:30,245
Those things are gonna be everywhere,
438
00:18:31,030 --> 00:18:31,956
flying.
439
00:18:34,365 --> 00:18:36,429
This is my first quinceañera!
440
00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:39,344
I love your Latinx traditions.
441
00:18:40,221 --> 00:18:41,836
Huh? How am I doing?
442
00:18:41,970 --> 00:18:42,727
All right,
443
00:18:42,728 --> 00:18:44,660
I'd like to ask everybody
to please clear the floor.
444
00:18:44,703 --> 00:18:46,357
It's now time for
the father-daughter dance.
445
00:18:46,401 --> 00:18:48,272
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
446
00:18:48,316 --> 00:18:49,447
No, no, no. No, no, no, no.
447
00:18:49,491 --> 00:18:51,275
- It's gonna be fine.
- He's gonna know.
448
00:18:51,319 --> 00:18:53,756
He's gonna know.
No, he's not gonna know.
449
00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:54,854
You can do this.
450
00:18:56,149 --> 00:18:57,368
Okay. Okay.
451
00:18:57,412 --> 00:18:58,466
Gonna be great.
452
00:19:07,813 --> 00:19:10,903
Okay, maybe just try to walk normal.
453
00:19:10,947 --> 00:19:12,340
Is this not normal?
454
00:19:12,383 --> 00:19:14,342
No, no, no, no, no, no,
this is... this is great.
455
00:19:14,385 --> 00:19:16,779
This is how people walk. You got it.
456
00:19:18,824 --> 00:19:21,174
- She looks nervous.
- It's fine.
457
00:19:21,218 --> 00:19:23,786
♪ When I'm afraid?
458
00:19:23,829 --> 00:19:25,744
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
459
00:19:25,788 --> 00:19:27,147
You know what? Sorry.
460
00:19:27,148 --> 00:19:29,835
Uh, I think, actually, we're
gonna try and squeeze one in,
461
00:19:29,879 --> 00:19:31,750
uh, before the father-daughter.
462
00:19:31,794 --> 00:19:32,882
What?
463
00:19:32,925 --> 00:19:34,879
And this is the song we practiced to.
464
00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:37,800
Yeah, uh, well,
we can play it again for you.
465
00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:40,672
You know, I'm sure the DJ has
a repeat button on the thing.
466
00:19:40,716 --> 00:19:42,108
- What?
- Jonah.
467
00:19:42,152 --> 00:19:44,285
- Hmm?
- You need to sit down.
468
00:19:44,328 --> 00:19:47,766
No, no, not until
this song is over, at least,
469
00:19:47,810 --> 00:19:51,335
and maybe... maybe just a few
more after that, you know?
470
00:19:51,379 --> 00:19:53,816
You're makin' it weird, dog.
Just let her go.
471
00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:55,208
Let her go!
472
00:19:55,252 --> 00:19:57,298
Not... not gonna happen, Connie.
473
00:19:59,822 --> 00:20:02,259
So this has one terabyte on it.
474
00:20:02,303 --> 00:20:04,348
If you could just put all
the raw footage on there.
475
00:20:04,392 --> 00:20:06,307
You don't have to edit it.
I'll take care of that.
476
00:20:08,396 --> 00:20:09,616
This is fun.
477
00:20:17,056 --> 00:20:20,451
I know. I'm sorry.
I ruined the quinceañera.
478
00:20:20,495 --> 00:20:23,019
I made it weird.
I-I-I don't know why I...
479
00:20:23,062 --> 00:20:23,885
She was high.
480
00:20:25,064 --> 00:20:26,072
She told me.
481
00:20:26,805 --> 00:20:27,490
Ah.
482
00:20:27,937 --> 00:20:30,151
That was a very nice thing you did.
483
00:20:31,419 --> 00:20:33,334
But, uh, for future reference,
484
00:20:33,377 --> 00:20:36,380
the next time my child
is on drugs, tell me.
485
00:20:36,424 --> 00:20:37,360
Got it.
486
00:20:38,077 --> 00:20:40,515
I did see Parker snorting cocaine
487
00:20:40,558 --> 00:20:42,517
off his "Paw Patrol" table last week.
488
00:20:42,560 --> 00:20:43,996
Oh, yeah, no, I knew about that one.
489
00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:47,304
Hey, Amy, you've gotta see
this video of a deaf kid
490
00:20:47,348 --> 00:20:49,262
hearing his mother's voice
for the first time.
491
00:20:49,306 --> 00:20:51,047
Um, I'm okay, thank you.
492
00:20:51,090 --> 00:20:53,049
It's really moving, though.
493
00:20:53,092 --> 00:20:54,398
Just not... not right now.
494
00:20:56,922 --> 00:20:58,315
Ow!
495
00:20:58,839 --> 00:21:01,449
Ow! What the hell, Cheyenne?
496
00:21:01,492 --> 00:21:03,973
Um, uh, I'm sorry.
497
00:21:04,016 --> 00:21:06,149
I was just trying something.
It didn't work, okay.
498
00:21:06,192 --> 00:21:07,933
Sorry, night, okay.
499
00:21:11,284 --> 00:21:13,286
You really should've kick her back.
500
00:21:14,127 --> 00:21:16,827
Synced and corrected by hawken45
for www.addic7ed.com
36511
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof