Original subtitles

Attention, everyone.

I'd like to make an announcement.

I've been doing some research

on how to achieve my dream

of becoming a professional arky, and I discovered

that everyone who has served as an Assistant

Arky Union president has gone on to become a full-blown arky.

Therefore... Fleety?

I'm running for president of the Assistant Arky Union.

Can you please keep it down?

I have a cerumen impaction,

and I'm trying to hate-watch Zane's special.

Now the world is too loud!

Live from Egypt,

it's the Opening of Cleopatra's Tomb Special,

starring Zane Troy.

Welcome. We all know Cleopatra

as history's ultimate sex symbol.

There's not a person alive who hasn't beat off thinking of her.

Ugh. Cleopatra was one of the greatest leaders

in all of history.

She should be revered for her accomplishments,

not her looks.

But we've never known what Cleopatra

actually looked like, until now.

Let's see how proper fit this bird really was.

Good lord! Cleopatra isn't smoking hot.

She's mid. I repeat, she is mid.

This is great. I can't wait to see this frumpasaurus.

Huh.

Howard, this is shocking news.

Cleopatra, once the historical standard for beauty,

was actually mid.

And for our viewers who may be watching this news broadcast

in a few years, "mid" is slang for "middle of the road."

This is weird.

She looks, like, so familiar.

Can't quite place why.

This is gonna drive me crazy, man.

Why am I blanking on-- Oh, crap, it's me.

She got there.

If you're an assistant arky, vote for me.

- Hello, fellow assistant arkies. - What are you doing?

I'm running to be the Assistant Arky Union president.

No, I'm asking what're you doing going out in public

looking like a straight-up Cleopatra? -

Hey, Saltine.

Fleety forgot his crank at home.

There you go, you little lunatic.

- How's the campaign going? - Not great.

My opponent Carl Crunch is getting

a lot more attention, even though he's despicable.

Aren't you tired of arkies

always getting into trouble for stealing artifacts?

- Yeah. - Then vote for me.

I say it should be legal for arkies to steal.

Ugh! That goes against my many morals!

The job of an arky is to discover lost artifacts.

If you steal artifacts, you're not an arky, you're a looty.

Rip Digman.

I thought I smelled something rank.

Jasper Jenkins.

- You know him? - Many milky moons ago,

the Smithsonian hired Bella and I to replace Jasper.

He's had it out for me ever since.

In fact, once, during an arky charity soccer game,

he pulled down my Umbros in front of everyone,

and I'm afraid to say, the underwear came with.

Look! His butt is round!

Oh, my God!

Why is that bad?

That's not a bad thing!

- Rip. Snap out of it. - Huh? Sorry.

Got lost in my flashback. Side question, though,

a round butt, that's good, right?

Oh, man, so many factors to consider before answering that.

But why, though?

Well, well, well, Rip.

It looks like our assistants are running against each other.

Too bad her odds of winning are like my favorite Jim, slim.

You're crazy. Her chances are like my cholesterol, high.

If you're so confident, why not make it interesting?

Whoever's assistant loses

has to resign from being an arky forever.

You're on, Jasper. You there,

- are you a notary public? - Yes.

Get over here. Let's make this official.

Okay, just sign here, and...

It's legally binding. Whoever's assistant loses

has to resign from being an arky.

Hell yeah! This absolutely rocks.

By the way, how are your polling numbers?

Fantastic... is how Carl Crunch must feel

after the latest polling numbers show him

- way ahead of Saltine. - Aw. Damn it.

This meeting of the council is officially called to order.

Who has new items of business?

I'd like to proudly report that the U2 Museum

has secured one of the Edge's guitars.

I bet it'll look great next to all your photos of the band.

Photos of the band. What a brilliant idea.

Enough nonsense.

It's time we discuss the greatest threat

facing American museums today.

I speak, of course, of permission slips.

- What's that now? - Lights!

School field trips are a massive revenue source for museums,

but every student must have a signed permission slip

in order to attend.

On average, 2.4 children from every class

fail to get their slips signed.

Multiply that by the number of classes

and the number of school districts across the country,

net loss: $57 billion.

That's disgusting.

And while we suffer,

permission slip printing companies like Permish-a-Tron

are raking in billions.

Is there nothing we can do to stop this madness?

That's where you come in.

If the U.S. passes legislation

banning permission slips nationwide,

those billions would go to us.

So, we blackmailed and bribed

dozens of senators to win their votes.

Senator Stacy Potts of North Dakota

is our only holdout.

And we know exactly what to bribe her with.

She wants to spend one night with Zane Troy.

Oh, damn. Okay, but how should I do this?

Just walk up to Zane and say, "Hey, buddy.

"I know you're happily married,

"but would you mind sleeping with another woman

- for my financial gain?" - Yes.

Hey, buddy, I know you're happily married,

but would you mind sleeping with another woman

for my financial gain?

Sure thing, mate.

Oh. You're not worried about Gasolina?

Monogamy is a foreign concept to the Puff People.

They consider it a form of punishment.

In fact, Gasolina is back in Puffland for the SuperPlow,

their annual mass orgy.

It's laughable to think I could satiate

one one-millionth of her sexual needs on a daily basis.

Anyway, who's this bird you want me to shag?

All right, we got to figure out how you can win this race.

If I can't be an arky anymore, I don't what I'll do.

Conduct a symphony orchestra? I don't own a baton, Saltine!

I know the numbers look bad right now, but I'm sure that,

once everyone hears my ideas at the big debate,

- they'll vote for me. - No.

They won't. In the history of the assistant arky election,

the more conventionally attractive person

has won every single time.

- Really? - Hershel Hardbody beat

- Larry Littlefoot. - What?

Stud Rockhard beat Dinky Doodad.

- No! - Kylie Kisses

beat Wedgie Damp-Crack.

Of the North Haven Damp-Cracks?

I'm afraid so.

In our wretched superficial society,

Cleopatra being deemed mid

is a campaign killer.

Oh, no. I'm seared swordfish at this point.

- There may yet be hope. - Whoa, Agatha!

Holy crap. -I didn't even know you were in the room.

Fully just in the shadows.

Many years ago, while traveling through India

on a secret spy mission...

Did we know she used to be a spy? -Holy shit, that's crazy.

...I came across a Sanskrit riddle

I was unable to crack that supposedly leads

to a long-lost artifact, the Sari of an Untold Hue.

Good goggles.

It's a garment whose color

is completely unique,

unlike any other on Earth,

and it's so stunning that, anyone who wears it,

instantly looks like a ten.

A ten? That's one less than my girlfriend Cornelia.

That garment is exactly what I need.

Why the hell didn't you ever tell me about this?

I always planned on giving it to my daughter,

but I just found out I'm barren, so now, I give it to you.

Thank you, Agatha. This is perfect.

Come on, guys, let's go to India and find this sari.

Right now? Well, I normally like to get a haircut

before a big trip, but I guess you're right,

this is pretty urgent, so let's go!

But maybe we just check my salon,

see if they have availability this afternoon anyways.

You know, see if Dante has any openings.

No? Just go? All right, let's do it.

Thanks for meeting us, Jaya. We hear you're the best

translator-slash-cryptographer in town.

That's true.

So, what do you think of this?

This is fan art of Garfield the cat.

Whoops, wrong paper. I meant to give you this one.

But also, let's circle back later

so you can tell me what you think of my Garf.

It's hard to get the stripes right.

Let's see. "If the sari's what you seek..."

Blah, blah, blah, blah. "...deep within the cave you'll find..."

Wowee zowee!

I mean, it's indecipherable. Bye!

Dang. What a bust.

Swooper, she was obviously lying.

I can't believe I gave her a tampon. After her!

Here we go. Another day,

another transactional sex act, devoid of emotion.

He-Hello? Senator?

Zane. Join me on the veranda.

All right, let's get to shagging.

What's the rush, Zane?

Take in the view. You can see

all of North Dakota up here on the second floor.

Can you see any of South Dakota?

I pray not.

Jolly good. Shall we get on with it?

Don't you want to know more about North Dakota?

Our state bird is the western meadowlark,

our median household income is $61,285,

and our top export is the North Dakota Wikipedia page.

Senator Potts, enough.

We don't need to get to know one another.

This is a one-night only thing.

I'm well aware, but your point is taken,

so let's make like Josh Duhamel's parents did

and have sex in North Dakota.

I don't get it. Is he, is he from here or something?

He is, yes.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, damn.

Wow. Now that was a rogering to remember.

I agree. You certainly enchanted my highway.

- Is that a North Dakota thing? - Definitely.

Great, then it was worth saying.

Uh, c-can I make you a spot of breakfast?

Beans, black pudding, a whole big weird grilled tomato?

No time. Not to sound all Mr. Smith,

but I do have to go to Washington.

- When can I see you again? - Oh, Zane.

Last night was everything I hoped it would be,

but I'm getting married this weekend.

This was just a last hurrah.

This is odd. My throat. It's...

belumped.

Look! His butt is round!

That's normal!

Rip! Rip!

We've been here all night.

When is Jaya gonna come out of there?

The answer... Now! Grab her!

Hey! No!

Open it, Rip.

Just think, we're about to see a color

that has never before been seen on the planet Earth.

- Oh, my God, it's beautiful. - Aw...

This color, it's impossible to describe.

Really? It just looks yellow to me.

Uh, you think this looks yellow? You're crazy.

I can't find the words to describe this color,

but it is definitely not yellow.

I guess it's just one of those things where, for some people,

it looks yellow, but for everyone else,

it looks like the most beautiful, spectacular

new color you've ever seen.

"One of those things"? Is that a thing? That's a thing?

- I've never heard of it. - Hey!

Sari, not sorry.

Damn it, a pun-and-run.

I know, so good.

Don't worry, I'm on it.

Oh, shit, that's what we're doing? Okay!

"Don't even think it, Rip."

He said, thinking it.

Jaya!

Whoa!

Hey!

I look like a spa lady!

Someone on this train has committed a murder!

It was her.

Aw.

I wanted to solve it.

Where are they?

Uh-oh.

Methinks that looks spatially unaccommodating.

Just stop, Jaya. Stop!

What are you, a stop sign?

Okay, bitch, now it's on.

This lighting is so dramatic.

Yes, it would look so cool in a movie,

but this is real life.

Wow! Would you look at that?

The exact haircut Dante gives me.

Ah...!

- I guess that was her stop. - Oh, no.

- Do you think she's okay? - I'll be honest...

I do not.

Did that help?

My honesty?

Hurry up and put on the sari, Saltine.

- We don't have all day. - Okay, one second.

Ugh! Everyone stop horning out for me so hard.

Oh. There you are.

Man, that's crazy how much it works.

Anyways, let's hit the campaign trail.

Some people think that if you steal something,

you should go to jail.

So I guess that means they think Chris Tucker should go to jail

for stealing every scene he's in in The Fifth Element.

Hey, everyone!

Who wants to hear my policy proposals?

- Ooh! - Ooh!

- Wow! Can I have a button? - Of course!

Oh. She a dime.

My God, she went from nottie to hottie!

Yeah, that's right, Crunch.

It's fuckin' on.

- Will you kiss my baby? - Mwah.

Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.

Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.

Crunch.

- Mwah. Mwah. - Mwah.

- Ew. - It's okay.

It's just a short, cute, bald man dressed as a hot baby.

I'm a consenting adult.

Oh.

And with only hours to go

before the assistant arky debate, the latest polls show

that Saltine has pulled ahead of Carl Crunch.

And after the break,

we'll discuss which commercials we liked best.

And... voilà!

Oh, hey, Vernon. What's up?

I was just practicing my French.

I just got off the phone with Senator Potts.

Zane has been calling her, sending her flowers

and pitching woo of all kinds.

Zane, you have to leave!

I'm engaged to someone else!

But does he dance for you like this?

- Yes, all the time. - Rats!

Oh, dear. I didn't realize he caught feelings.

Well, caught them he did, and Senator Potts has threatened

to vote against the permission slip ban tonight

if Zane doesn't knock it off.

I'll take care of it.

You better, or else I'll be...

so sad.

- Zane, what are you doing? - Well, Senator Potts is

getting married tomorrow, so I'm going to surprise her

at work today and tell her to call it off!

I don't want to have to do this,

but the senator isn't going to vote

for the permission slip ban if you keep this up.

So knock it off, or you're fired.

Fired?

Well, I'm going to follow my heart.

You can do what you want to me.

What do you want to get up to tonight?

You want to have, like, an unstructured hang,

- just you and me? - Buddy-Bot, shut the fuck up.

- Zane, wait up! - Quail?

There's just one more thing I wanted to say to you.

- My car or yours? - You mean it?

Yes. Now answer my car question.

Welcome to Permish-a-Tron Arena

for the final debate between Carl Crunch and Saltine.

I thought I'd find you here.

Jaya! You're alive.

Oh. Are you here to kill me?

No, even worse-- to shame you.

I want you to know I was trying to take the sari

because it belongs to my family.

It was stolen by looties decades ago,

and we've been searching for it ever since.

And I just... took it from you?

Oh, no! If I wear a stolen artifact in the debate,

- I'm no better than Carl Crunch. - That's true.

But if I don't wear it, he'll destroy me!

What do I do?

Senator, wait!

What are you doing here, Zane?

Just like North Dakota is the United States'

largest producer of barley,

I am the largest producer of love... for you.

Oh, Zane! You had me at "North Dakota"!

- Kota, Kota. - What?!

Yeah, sorry about that. She's a hologram.

Once you said you were gonna come here

even if I fired you, I had to think fast.

I couldn't risk you ruining the vote.

Extra! Extra!

Senate passes bill to ban permission slips.

Senator Potts is now on her way to the wedding of the century.

Great. This worked out perfectly.

- For me, that is. - Yeah, mate, yeah.

If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go and cry enough tears

to fill up Lake Sakakawea,

the largest man-made lake in North Dakota.

Oh, man, he's down bad.

Carl is going to mop the floor with Saltine.

Well, that's a lucky floor,

because Saltine would make a wonderful mop!

The candidates are taking the stage, and...

Oh, my gosh. Saltine is mid again!

I repeat-- Saltine is mid!

Oh, no!

She looks like a damn Cleopatra again!

I may have chosen poorly here.

Hello, unemployment office? Do you have any openings?

You don't? Damn it!

Welcome to the Assistant Arky Union Presidential Debate.

Our first question is for Saltine.

Boo!

- Get to Crunch already! - He's hot!

Face it, Rip. You're like the dishes

in Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead-- done!

Oh, my God, dude. Nobody will get that!

Well, you get it, and you're the only other person in this room.

- True, but still! - It was in the trailer!

Saltine, in the unlikely event that you are elected,

what would be your first action in office?

Um...

Breaking news. As a result of the recent permission slip ban,

major permission slip printing manufacturers

like Permish-a-Tron have already declared bankruptcy.

And now back to the debate.

It doesn't matter what I'm wearing.

What matters are my ideas. I can do this.

My fellow assistant arkies...

Son of a fucknut.

- What the hell's going on? Huh? - Huh?

Sorry, folks. Had to cut the power 'cause the owners

of the arena, Permish-a-Tron, just went out of business.

My family will pray tonight for a bailout.

Fleety?

Fleety?

You're a genius!

Hello. My name is Saltine.

A lot of you haven't listened to what I have to say

because I look like Cleopatra.

But now that you can't see me, maybe you can finally hear me.

So here is what I believe.

First of all, I think

that arkies shouldn't steal artifacts.

Our job is to help reunite people with their past,

not take it from them.

- Huh. Yeah. - She's got a good point.

Her actual ideas are winning them over in the dark!

Turn the power back on!

And break the Electrician's Code?

- Are you crazy?! - C-C-Cane!

- Ow! - Hyah-whip!

I'm not letting you turn the lights back on.

The people need to hear Saltine!

- Take this! C-C-Cane! - Ow! My occipital lobe!

- C-C-Cane! C-C-Cane! C-C-Cane! - Hyah-whip! Hyah-whip!

- Hyah-whip! Hyah-whip! - C-C-Cane! C-C-Cane!

- C-C-Cane! C-C-Cane! - Hyah-whip! Hyah-whip!

And finally, people have been trying to insult me

by saying I look like Cleopatra, but

I'm not ashamed of looking like Cleopatra, because

even though she was mid, her ideas were hubba-hubba hot.

Now that I can't see what the candidates look like,

it's clear Saltine's ideas

- are way better! - I agree!

Saltine! Saltine!

Got you!

You're forgetting one thing.

I only wear tearaway clothes!

Oh, man! Your butt!

It's a cube shape!

And it always has been, round-ass!

Is that considered better, though?

- I'm so confused! - Saltine! Saltine!

Saltine! Salt...

- tine. - Oh. Right.

- She lookin' like Cleopatra. - Carl Crunch,

it's time for your closing statement.

I have an announcement.

I now believe in everything Saltine believes in!

Saltine, your stirring words utterly moved me.

Shall we run together, on the same ticket, as co-presidents?

I promise to let you do all the work.

And I promise to let you let me because I don't trust you

to do it right, and I care enough about the greater good

to take on the manual and emotional labor for both of us.

Then it's official: we're running together!

Crunch Saltine! Crunch Saltine!

Crunch Saltine! Crunch Saltine!

Crunch Saltine!

The crowd is begging me to crunch a Saltine in my mouth!

I always knew this day would come.

Time for Barry Zimnov to give the people what they want.

It's too dry! Oh! Can't breathe!

Ugh!

Something smells like shit! It's this gross corpse

- with crackers all in its mouth. - Let's burn it!

- Burn it! - Yeah!

I have been waiting my whole life

to see a mob burn an evacuated corpse.

And now I may pass on.

So if neither of them lost,

I guess we both get to keep being arkies.

- I guess so. Truce? - Ugh. Fine.

C-C-Cane!

- Ow! - See you later, round-butt.

How is that worse than a cube?!

Hey, buddy. Sorry for tricking you.

No. No, I get it.

The permission slip ban was important, yeah.

Well, you know, the bill passed.

And the senator doesn't get married for a few more hours.

What are you getting at, mate?

♪ Get out of my dreams ♪

♪ Get into my car ♪

♪ Get into my car... ♪

♪ Get in the back seat, baby...♪

- Oh! - Ooh.

♪ Get out of my mind... ♪

Get out of the fucking car!

Hey, fuck off!

♪ Hey, you ♪

♪ Get into my car. ♪

Hmm.

- Well, this was a mistake. - Definitely.

I think we just got caught up in the moment.

Same, same.

Want me to drop you off at the Greyhound station?

No, thanks. I'll just hop out of this moving vehicle.

♪ Get out of my dreams ♪

♪ Get into my car ♪

♪ Get into my car ♪

♪ Get out of my dreams ♪

♪ Get in the back seat, baby ♪

♪ Get into my car ♪

♪ Beep beep, yeah ♪

♪ Get out of my mind ♪

♪ Get into my... ♪

Chirp.

♪ MTV. ♪