Original subtitles

Ah, welcome to an island paradise. Here we go.

So peaceful.

So serene.

A land of splendor and beauty.

A nice place to live, if you're a cockroach or a drunk.

And let me tell you something.

You're about to see a wild and exciting tale about three beautiful

explorers.

Meet Oklahoma Jones.

She'll snap you in a line.

And her friend, Alabama Jones.

She's a hot little pistol with a saucy smile.

And California Jones.

Don't cross her freeway or she'll run you down.

So grab your hats, hold on to your bottoms, and bring a bottle.

You're about to go on an adventure you'll never forget.

It's so hot out here. I am so hungry.

I just want some water.

We've got to stick to this mission, though.

Yeah, we've got to find that idol of Kanani.

It's not going to be easy. It is going to be dangerous.

Well, you know what happened to the last crew?

No, what?

What? Well, there were these two hot girls walking along that beach. You

the one that we passed back there. Yeah, yeah.

And they stopped for a little, um...

R &R, if you know what I mean.

Oh, I think I know what you're talking about.

Then they heard something really strange.

The legend of Kyoki.

Told you it was nothing more than a tall tale made up by the natives.

Keep tourists out of this jungle.

Tall tale or not, this place really gives me the creeps.

You're the only archaeologist I know who would rather look for antiquities on

Fifth Avenue than Daddy's charge card.

No, I'm not.

She's reminding herself.

The museum is going to pay for it.

If we even make it that far, mosquitoes are eating me alive.

Did you hear something?

Calm down.

It's just your overactive imagination running wild again.

I wish someone would do something to put me and my mind at ease.

I had a feeling we might get lucky on this expedition.

Nice thought, baby.

Who's got you, baby?

Down on your knees, it's time for confession.

Tell me, baby, you're only happy if you're my confession.

You can't sleep tonight.

What's got you here tonight?

Even one night, I can see it right in your eyes.

I've got you.

I want you, baby.

Playing with my head.

Now you got a fire in it.

You move me, honey.

Let me know you can't live without it.

I'll have to throw you deep in all night.

Love me, baby.

I'd die to love you, baby. Love me, baby.

I'll have to throw you deep in all night.

I love you, baby.

I love you, baby. I love you, baby.

I love you, baby.

Thank you.

I love you. I love you.

Thank you.

That sounds like it was a pretty bad scene.

Yeah. I hope nothing like that happens to us.

You never know. These places are pretty haunted.

Look. Out loud.

I can't believe it.

Good boy.

You know, no one's seen the idol of Punani in over a thousand years.

Well, let's go on in and be the first.

Yeah.

You think we should go in?

Yeah, we're going in.

We're going to go in.

Who's going to take it?

I'm not going to take it.

Well, I'm not taking it.

Why am I always the one to take it?

You've got the biggest guy.

Die, you son of a bitch.

That was close.

Well, girl, I guess we owe ourselves a little rest and relaxation, too.

Why don't we hit that beach we passed a mile ago?

Oh, yeah.

Now, doesn't that look inviting?

Yeah.

Come on, you guys. Let's go check it out.

Yeah.

Wow, it looks like a storm's coming up.

I think it's about to get real.

Let's go for that.

Why not?

Here it is, as promised.

Good job, ladies.

This idol will get you put on the front cover of National Neolithic.

Well, then, I guess it was worth our time.

Yes, the museum will pay you handsomely for this.

Well, I hope so, because we're running low on lingerie.

Well, you know that you can borrow some of mine if you need it.

Wow, I don't think we can afford lingerie like that.

Well, you will be able to afford this once you complete your mission.

What do you want us to do?

I want you to go find the golden mango of Tan Tu.

What the hell is that?

The mango is an artifact that holds great sexual power.

It was given to slave traders by a gay witch doctor from Timbuktu.

Thinking it was a harmless gift, they accepted it. Only later did they realize

that the witch doctor put a horrible curse on it.

A curse?

Yes, a sexual curse.

The next day, the slave traders were raped by their own camels.

Oh, my God!

The possessor of the mango has the power to turn any woman on.

Over the centuries, it's made its way across Europe, turning all that come

it into sexual slaves.

And that's a bad thing?

It is if you're the slave.

What happened to it? Well, one of the researchers bought it, took it to the

island of Douma. While he was doing research on the black pongo gorillas,

the gorillas stole it.

Black pongo gorillas?

Yes. A very intelligent species.

In fact, one of the smartest gorillas has opened up a cat house right in

Bangkok.

We want you to find that pongo and bring back that mango.

But no one's seen the mango in over ten years.

I know, but I need you girls. You guys are the best. The best of the breast.

We need you. You're our last shot.

Okay. We'll do it. Good.

Now, how do we find it? There's only two people that can get you to that mango.

Luna. Luna the Jungle.

Are you talking about the mysterious jungle queen who lives out by the warm,

wet, lush Beaver Falls?

That's right.

And who's the other?

Jungle Bill Mason.

Are you talking about that old world wandering drunk that just trekked

the jungle, sipping on Mai Tais and bumping into palm trees?

One and the same.

You know, the rumor has it that he was shacking up with one of those gorillas

back in the 80s. But that was a while ago.

All right. Well, tomorrow California and I will go and try to find him.

And I'll go see if one of the apes can lead me to Jungle Bill.

Sounds good, ladies.

Good luck.

Luna!

Luna!

I thought she was supposed to be here.

That's what I was told.

Keep looking.

DJ?

OJ?

No, no, no, not that OJ.

Um, Luna, we're looking for a man.

Jungle Bill.

Me no, no.

Hairy face?

Uh, drinks a lot?

Me, me no, no.

No.

Smells, smells bad.

Walks kind of funny.

Falls a lot.

Do you know what we're looking for? Do you have any idea?

What do you know, Luna?

Luna knows it.

Me like you.

A call to all, if I call, call to all, if I call,

call to all, feel it's what we love.

We rise like the ocean,

when we will rise to regain

our home.

A long time ago, there came to me a man, and he said,

this land is mine.

Work for me now, but I'll take no way.

And we cannot take it no longer, and I know you

can't own your homeland, so we rise.

Like the ocean.

We will rise.

We gain our homeland.

There we rise. Stop our segregationists. There we rise. To bring up

intelligence. By creating a world with more positives.

In this time, what we do is the choice up to you.

Got to rise like the ocean.

We will rise, regain our homeland, build this world we love.

Yes, I'm a dreamer.

Believer, truth seeker.

Hoping and searching, looking and praying for.

What am I talking?

A world with no feeling.

Time for some chilling.

Let's look and let's be something. Something is missing.

So we rise like the ocean.

We gain our homeland.

We gain our homeland.

We gain our homeland.

We gain our homeland.

It is where we lie.

We lie like the ocean.

Well, it was fun talking to Luna, but we still need to find Jungle Bill.

We need a plan.

Ooh, look at the fog. Let's go down and check it out. Maybe he's over there.

Awesome.

Wow.

Hey, look.

Huh?

Knock yourself out.

I don't see Jungle Bill anywhere.

You like that?

My God, these mosquitoes are biting me all over.

I know. I'm getting eaten alive.

Oh, you know what I have?

I have this really good bug lotion. Want me to put some on you?

Sure do.

Mm -hmm.

Ah!

It bit my ass.

You want that?

Yeah.

I want that so much.

The place is really pretty out here.

Jungle Bill!

Now where could he be?

He could be anywhere.

Hold it right there.

Hold it right there.

Are you one of the black pongos?

Can you take me to Jungle Bill? Can you take me to Jungle Bill?

Can you at least tell me where he is?

A bar.

He's at a bar.

There are a lot of bars here. What bar?

Sounds like... Sounds like

coconut. Coconut for a gorilla.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, Mr. Gorilla.

Thank you.

But no thanks.

Here's your drink, Bill. There's some girls to see you.

Thanks for the drink, Binky. Next time hold the fruit.

Are you Jungle Bill?

Maybe.

Who's asking?

Three hotties that need your services.

Well, just what kind of services do you need from Jungle Bill?

To take us to the Black Pongos.

What? The Black Pongos? Are you crazy?

Who sent you here?

Some random gorilla.

Random gorilla?

We got lots of random gorillas around here. You have to be more specific than

that. He's really good at charades.

Oh, that bastard, huh?

All right, all right. How much money, honey, huh?

$1 ,000.

$1 ,000?

That's spitting me underwear.

And all the Mai Tais you could drink. Not enough. I want cash.

$1 ,500 firm.

$1 ,500 firm? Oh, maybe he'll guide you into the jungle for $1 ,500 firm.

3 ,000. That's all we have.

Now you're talking, my little foghorn, Molly.

When do we leave?

Right now.

Right now is good. But before we go, I want to ask each one of you some

questions. Okay?

Okay. How long are your nipples?

About long enough to suck on.

All righty.

If Millard Fillmore and Zachary Taylor were alive today, which one would you

like to go out with?

Who are they?

Do you like to trim your own hedges?

Every day.

Okie dokie. Do you have battery problems?

Depends on how horny I am.

Have you ever met a gorilla in the jungle and just fucked the ever -loving

out of him?

Twice. Good girl, twice.

Do you like to lick lollipops?

Back and forth, up and down.

When walking through the jungle, where's the safest place to store your eyebrow

pencil? Up my butt.

Up your butt is the perfect answer.

Hey, diddle diddle, the cat.

Is a whore.

Perfect. Nice answer.

Would you beat Bill with one of those horse whips you have hidden in your

drawers? Don't have any. Oh, I was looking forward to a good beating.

Do you know how to tell a real blonde? I never look at what I'm eating.

What if you woke up tomorrow morning and found Jungle Bill nuzzled next to you?

Cut your dick off.

Cut me dick off.

Thank you so much. Time for me to go now and drink some more.

Hi, how are you?

Where at?

Really?

Well, you know, I was just thinking about that jungle man.

Well, as a matter of fact, I have had an encounter with him once.

In the jungle?

Peace is a fire.

Peace is a fire.

Peace is a fire.

Peace is a fire.

There's a fire.

Burning inside you.

Love to love.

And be free.

All over the world.

This is a fire.

This is a fire.

This is a fire.

This is a fire.

A mystic fire, it can't be stopped, and it's spreading,

it can't be stopped.

Burning down the hate, burning down the greed, burning down

the fear, going to sick leave y 'all.

Peace is a fire, peace is a fire.

Peace is a fire.

Peace is a fire.

Peace is a fire.

Peace is in flame.

Peace is a fire.

Peace is in flame.

We are the fire, who hold the love water.

Let's put out this fire, so peace returns us.

Peace is a fire,

peace is a fire.

Peace is a fire, peace is a fire.

Oh, you see, we got the love.

Oh, you see, we got the love.

Got the love.

Got the love.

Got the love. Got the love. Got the love.

Peace is the fire.

Peace is the fire.

Peace is the fire.

Open the door and lay in the floor, says Jungle Bill the sailor.

Oh, there you are.

Ready for a little stroll to the jungle with Jungle Bill today? Absolutely.

Well, I've had my morning, my tie. How about you?

A little early for me.

Well, I hope you sprayed your asses with all kinds of bug repellent because the

mosquitoes out here are bigger than your tits.

Pretty big.

Damn big.

All right, let's head out. What do you say?

Can we get going? I need to walk up.

Well, a hangover can best be walked off with a little song to get us going, huh?

Oh, we love a song.

Well, one of my favorites.

Shave my balls with a rusty razor.

Shave my balls with a rusty razor. Shave my balls with a rusty razor.

I hear the morning.

I hear the morning.

Little one, let me find out.

Oh! Oh, Jesus!

It's Fallopian tube, Christ!

It's Jamie Spooner!

Well, what'd they do to him? Oh, those bastards, they gave him a jungle

facelift. That's what they did to him.

They ripped the clean off and now he's some kind of cheap, varnished

at a flea market.

Who did it?

Look! Goddamn cojones!

Those filthy, foul rat bastards. They'd pee on their own grandmothers if they

could.

Oh, shit in their whiskey.

They're not going to get away with this from me.

Well, we're still going to have to go on.

Oh, I know, but just give me one moment with them, will you, please?

You know, you rat bastard, you owe me $5 ,000, huh?

Okay, you stupid shit.

Valley of the Tarts.

That's right.

A bunch of cloven -hooved, egg -laying, cat -eyed, hairy -headed trolls who

wouldn't piss on their own mothers to put the fire out if the four girls burst

into flames. I've seen one of those bitches spit poison in a man's eye from

600 yards.

I don't want to lose my last one, so let's leave these fours behind.

They're rotten.

Hell. Well, I'm not afraid. I think we can take him.

Yeah.

And

these

are the hills of Rapa Nui Trapa.

This is the place where the old chiefs used to capture virgins, wrap their

bodies in bacon, cover them with poi, and throw them over the cliff to the

hungry gods below.

Today the whole hill still smells like a pork chop after all these years.

I think I'm going to go up there and get me a little breakfast. You want to come

along?

Caution. Saints preserve us.

I don't believe it.

What is it?

It's the home of Tony Biggie the Rat.

Some faggot hairdresser from Brooklyn tried to cross the land of the Italki by

himself. The witch doctor put a curse on his ass.

And now he's half rat, half man.

The lower half rat.

You can hear him passing his bowels at night.

Boom! Out they come like bowling balls.

Could you smell him? You can smell him, and you can see him. He'll be howling

like a pig here soon.

He's just had dinner, I can tell.

Let's hit it. Come on.

Who are those guys?

They're the schwarze flancos.

Half black, half white.

Sometimes they're three -in -one bars. You can't tell what they're going to

out looking like.

Are they dangerous?

Damn dangerous.

Especially when they find you walking in their backyard with your pants off.

Will you go talk to them?

I understand their bloody language. I'll talk to the big, skinny, hairy one.

Can we pass?

Yeah,

you filthy savages. Oh,

I can't help but your old ladies.

No,

girls are not for sale.

Not Tamir.

Not Tamir, you stinking...

No, come on, Allah. No, come on, Allah.

Oh, come on, you oversized goofbag. You're not going to play ball. I'll blow

your nut clean off me. You're a cancer.

What did they say?

He says he wants us out. That's what he said.

Let's get ready to run, okay? Because I think they're going to charge us.

And I... Holy shit. What's with them?

Cowardly little bastards.

I thought you'd crawl out of Satan's balls, did you, huh?

Yeah, come on, I'm warning you, bitch.

It ain't that much.

Get right.

I got a pair myself.

How long you want to stop my knees, Sammy?

Uncle Bill.

Oh. Are you okay?

Oh, Christ, what do you think?

Are you hurt?

Oh, God, I'm hurt.

I haven't hurt like this since me grandma tied me to the back of the old

and dragged me around the farm for stealing chicken eggs.

Filthy old bitch.

Holy shit.

He ripped my dick clean off.

Oh.

Oh, God, gross. Listen, there's only two or more paths that you could take to

get...

One of them is Taco Road.

And the other one is the path of Pop Toppy.

Hey, Pop Toppy.

Oh, that's it.

I think Bill's checking out of his room now.

No, Bill, don't leave us.

Oh, look.

It's Johnny Weissmuller.

Johnny, I'm Gala.

Bill? I'm Gala.

Poor Jungle Bill.

He was the best drunken tracker I ever knew. He was truly a poet of the jungle.

Let's take a moment of silence.

Shave my balls with a rusty razor.

Shave my balls with a rusty razor. Shave my balls with a rusty

razor. Early in the morning.

I think it's about time we split up.

CJ, you go down tobacco road, and you and me will go down the path to popcorn.

We'll meet up later at the beach. Is that cool?

Oh, good.

All right. See you later. Be careful.

Me, Jungle Man.

Who are you?

Me, CJ.

I'm looking for the Black Pongos.

Black Pongos, bad.

Well, what about your Pongos?

Jungle Man Pongos, big.

Well, that I'd have to see to believe.

Me, show.

Oh, okay.

I'm on the run.

I'll cast away until the day of

what I need.

When will it be?

When just I see.

When will it just be?

The will is justice.

The low man will pray.

When the people say the heart is divided, leave and let live, the wicked

fall. When the will is justice.

I got time to rest.

No hounds on my heels.

Pray for tomorrow.

With ease of mind.

The will is just.

When just I.

When just I see

The

scared one way we go Is the way we love

The scared one way we go I'll be coming

home And the way is just

Just I think.

Will it be?

Will it?

Just I think.

We'll let, we'll let, we'll let, we'll let, we'll let go.

Us is them, them is us. This is in our hands.

The will is just.

It's a jungle out here.

Oh, no.

Hey,

do you see something?

I think so.

Is that a woman?

I don't know. Let's go see.

What are you doing here? Who are you?

Oh, I'm Amelia.

You're not Amelia Airhead, are you?

Yes, I am. My plane crashed right over there over 70 years ago.

But you look so young.

I know.

I think I found the fountain of everlasting youth.

Don't you love it?

Wow.

Well, you don't know about the Black Pongos, do you?

I have no idea. I'm sorry. I can't help you. You're welcome to come and sit

down.

Okay.

Hmm. We need to relax, anyway.

Wow. So you've been here all alone this whole time?

I know. I really quite like it.

I think I can help you with that. I am.

You know what? I've got a knot. Can you help me?

Of course.

I thought maybe I could help you girls with something.

You girls look like you know how to have some fun.

If she's not for you, just let time let her come through.

She's got so much good to do.

I love her so, I gotta let you know.

Mary Hayden on the Macy's. world.

You touched her.

You have to show us the fountain of youth.

Oh, I will do. I'll show you, darling.

Well, that was a lot of fun, but we're still in the dark where the Black Pongos

are. I know. I wonder what happened to California Jones.

I wonder if she got any information.

Let's ask her. There she is.

Hey. Hey.

What'd you find out, anything?

I didn't find out anything. I ran into Jungle Man, and I did whatever I could

get information, and I don't think he knew anything.

What about you?

Well, we actually ran into Amelia Airhead down the beach.

She's been here for like 75 years. She looks great. She found the Fountain of

Youth. She didn't know anything about the Black Congos either.

Well, it's getting late. Why don't we just build a fire instead of camp?

That sounds good.

Yeah. Hey, anybody bring any matches?

You've got me down on your knees.

Tell me,

baby, you're only happy in my possession.

You can't keep me right.

I've got you in every fight.

I'll never kill you, keep you all night.

Love me, baby.

I've got new hopes tonight.

Love me, baby.

I'll never kill you, keep you all night.

You'll be coming.

Try to relax, let us know.

I want you, baby.

I often knock on your mind all the time.

Playing with matches.

Now you've got fire in you.

Let me know you can't live without it.

I love you.

We've got you, baby.

Down on your knees in the confession.

Down on your knees, baby.

You're only happy for my confession.

Thank you.

I've got you, baby.

Down on your knees.

Tell me.

You're only happy if you have possession.

You can't keep tonight.

What got you here tonight?

Even the night.

I can't see you tonight.

Love me, baby.

I've got new hopes tonight.

Love me, baby.

I've got new hopes tonight.

I want you, baby.

I've been knocking on your mind all night.

Playing with matches.

Now you've got a fire in you.

You move me, honey.

Let me know you can't live without it. Love me, baby.

My darling, what do I want?

I don't know.

I love you. I love you.

What a night. Whoa, what a night.

What's going on?

Let's get out of here.

Well, we gotta go back that way then. I think we should go north.

Nope, nope, nope. We're going south, back to the jungle.

Of course, you'd want to go south, you fucking coochie.

Coming from somebody who can't find their way out the parking lot without

a blowjob.

Hey, look!

Oh, my God.

Oh, shit. It's Jungle Bill. That's impossible.

He's dead.

What's he doing out there?

Fishing?

Oh, look. He's pointing the way.

All right. Look.

Oh, my God.

It's the Princess of the Apes.

Oh, my God.

But we're the apes.

I hope they're not dangerous.

Hey, that's not a bad beat.

Oh, my

God, it's the

golden mango.

So that's what they mean by the golden mango.

Yeah.

Come to California.

Let the truth be known.

We are not alone.

We are one.

We are

one.

That was a sack of worms, wasn't it?

Well, God bless me, I missed the bus. Johnny said he'd come back and pick me

in a moment.

Said he had to pick up a few drunken and stoned -out celebrities off the streets

of L .A. first. You know how that goes.

So I'll be in the back of the bus, I'll be way to heaven.

With a nice, fine, strong, strong my tie.

You know, the kind that takes away your sins.

Anyway, I hope this is a happy time for the girls. I know they're going to do

well. And if they don't, I'll come back from beyond and spank their little butts

red as sausage.

I'll say goodbye to you now.

God bless you all.

I play

Oklahoma Jones.

We're all Joneses, actually, but I specifically requested Oklahoma

I wanted to be named after an exotic place.

Hi, my name's Katie James, and I play Alabama Jones, a .k .a.

AJ. And I can't tell you the other a .k .a. Anal Deuce. Oh, he thought.

He wasn't supposed to say it. That's my pet name.

Honey, that was just between us. I'm sorry.

Talk about your director.

H .R. Blueberry.

Sexy as hell.

Have you ever seen Shrek?

But he's a sweet ogre. He's a friendly ogre that gets upset and frustrated

sometimes and does have a tendency to yell, but I know he doesn't mean to.

But he's a good guy, good ogre.

H .R. Blueberry, really? Oh, he's a wonderful man.

Don't you just love him?

Describe him to me, physically.

Physically, I think he's one of the most handsomest men I've ever seen.

What does he look like again?

Our director, H .R. Blueberry.

What can we say about that? I've got to tell you, there was one day that you

weren't there on this particular day.

We were shooting at this gorgeous waterfall.

Skeet is stuck here.

But seriously, when we were at the waterfall, it was a little warm. We were

shooting in the sun. It was so beautiful. And I was luckily done for

I decided to get in the water.

And HR decided he was going to get in the water, too. And I think he was a

little modest.

So he went swimming in his jeans and his shirt.

He was modest? With a body like that? That's what I'm saying. And I don't know

if it was modesty or if it was...

He didn't want to get me all riled up.

That's understandable.

But when his jeans were wet, he had a package.

And that was coming out of cold water, honey. I can't even imagine.

I have dreams about him.

So his large frame doesn't turn you off? Mainly.

Here in Hawaii, large is a sign of royalty.

Big is beautiful.

Yeah. Like most of the statues here.

Yeah, actually skinny folk aren't really respected much around here. Because it

means they probably don't have enough money to eat. They can't care for

themselves. People throw things at them. Rotten papaya.

Estates.

Tell me your name.

Aria Giovanni.

And what character do you play in this movie?

I play Luna.

What's your name?

Cheyenne Silver.

And who do you play in this movie?

I play CJ, which is California Jones.

We are the Jones girls.

What's it like, what's your house like, the house like here on the set?

Let me tell you something.

The Playboy Mansion's got nothing on it. No, I think that they compared it to

the Versailles in Italy.

Wow.

But they call it a plantation, which a plantation on the island is different

than like a plantation in Mississippi. For one, there are no slaves that I saw.

Um,

and, uh, God, everything, all of our wants, needs, and desires are adhered

Boom. Yeah.

Wipe my ass. Here they come.

That's true.

Great. I'm Caddy Marie.

And what's the role that you play in our movie?

Oh, God, I am Amelia Ehad.

Appropriate, huh?

We'll be Ehad, babe.

Tell me about the girls that you're working with.

The girls I'm working with. Actually, you know what? It's been such...