Original subtitles

[Music]

[Music]

morning Hasbro like the first more I am

still sexy thank God for me ah the

morning the morning how glad I am but

I've always spurned regular lovers

because of course my sleeping alone I

get me all to myself and I always know

I'm going to wake up with the most

attractive person in the world morning a

day what are you doing in my bed well I

was sleeping what's wrong with your bed

is covered in lager you mean you threw

up I've been very considerate I could

have easily thrown up on your better

slept in my own and what is wrong with

the lavatory but if you ever sleep in my

bed again ever

I'm gonna have to kill you just give me

the money and I'll drink myself to death

talk to me about alcohol

I was out with my showbiz chums now for

sweet cherries which is way over my

limit because you know me I just get

silly poo and now I've got a head like

er I've got a head like a finds a very

vivid picture Richie and I exactly what

you mean

thanks Eddy my exercises my health I saw

doc the other day fasting great a blind

doctor a very inspiring I must say what

were you doing there anyway having a

lobotomy in my trousers but I slept with

you last night

no in case I suggest you seek immediate

medical advice I cannot do that he'll be

all out of the papers I'm sorry did I

just detect a mess with a humour

brilliantly disguised offensive mindless

dribble certainly but nonetheless well

done Eddie look you've been have a quick

peek of my pants all right now trying to

play I'll have a butcher's one that

promise to keep me breakfast down well

see anything unpleasant

brass wise I got a minute

nothing could survive on that all I

asked for was a quick banter when I can

be walking cabaret do it properly

[Laughter]

morning mr. each morning milky no no

this is northeast explain what we were

doing I know it looked sexy but what we

were actually doing was there Eddie yeah

no no no actually you're right it is

none of your business

you desi my little play that just do

that how do you think you are barging in

here I'm making revolting libelous

insinuations your report Eddie it's

forced um get the disinfectant I don't

believe it a journalist in my house I've

always assumed you get it and then see

anything concrete and dump it in the

North Sea

Jonas I'm a half-life of a thousand

years yes got a stiffy

believe me milky I'm gonna fight this

I've got the whole of a light

entertainment department of the BBC now

I need a show called keep Harrison or

Vilas characteristics

well I hope you like prison food

[Music]

WikiWiki

in Richie although it's an island Green

Day globe back in an affray the jury

will hang it there may be children

watching to make knowing comparing

smiles and misery I want you to imagine

something to picture the simple trusting

face of a child streaked with the cruel

tears of disillusion because of what you

just said I'd like you to picture the

tear straight face of his mother because

one reach don't cover the cost of one

mass of the universe battlecruiser

lassika get a job can't see the car the

skipper or something now you sitting

there crying about it get on your bike

and get your clothes off right mr. Timmy

Oh real thing you stay where you are

Quisling you're carrying secrets that

could put back the British game show

fifty years

yeah forget the blackmail knowledge

please mr. rich well it's too late

darling you're dead dead lately jeepers

Eddie what are we gonna do Wow it's not

too bad the milk will soak in what are

we gonna do about the cool ah dang it in

the tablet and brain someone else

brilliant of course for perfect alibi

let's grab the stiff oh it's a caddy a

man is lying dead and still you are

spotted your appalling dude on budget

you don't think perhaps as this poor

milkman see mortals soul lies hovering

above the remains of its earthly self it

will prefer not to be the butt of an old

gag oh we might prefer not to be done at

all because certain people bottom um the

head with a couple of milk bubbles now

shut up

let's get the body in a cab before it

begins to wit right in fact where our

criteria for putting things in for Cabo

we would have put you in what ages ago

wouldn't wait yeah I got it I just

didn't think it was funny

I'm not yes

he's right

right now let's get the body in the car

now much as I respect her Majesty's

Metropolitan Police Force I hardly think

they're gonna find the body and the

cupboard we're home and free let me have

a road was already back the bags get the

Brazilian currency what maybe it's not

the police maybe we've won the palms yes

beer at ease guess he could happen maybe

the band's publicity a dream come true

wait what we don't do the pros that's

gotta count against us yes wait what

maybe it's a producer with a wonderful

part I think wonderful part not

attractive Vinnie you keep your hands

off that phone it's an important new

role for me I know but it's for my own

rebuilding telephone many division first

run botanic like that it's filthy Ralph

the impresario promoter pornographer and

common safe for now

hey tell me Ralph what do you want

coming anywhere

listen I'm jaded with the tired shallow

world of TV like entertainment I Yan to

tread the boards again I fancy

Shakespeare fish considering he's a

blunt and dead makes you a filthy what

was that you were saying about getting

me a wonderful Shakespearean role Romeo

and Juliet perhaps oh you're coming over

wonderful terrific I knew today was

going to be important Romeo

Adam Juliet where's my I know

exactly where it is I play Romeo and you

play the fiery war like t built it's a

way to heaven respective lenity and

fire-eyed fury be my conduct now now

what in the name of Satan's Porsche I

was acting you said it was a fight

give me the let me finish must meet

seems a very funny sort of fight to me

you can't hit me to the finish must be

which shows how much you never acting

because it happens all the time in

shameless riddled wizards glaring

inconsistencies on the one hand have a

finally warlike tips when I do my pal

Eddie this is

6pr is you see Edwin Shakespeare being a

genius it's allowed slightly more

license with us would you please read

shake I hate being called Eddie puppet

Oh answer the door please Eddie where

the property pooh pooh busy block

get a bag and a drink for a dying man

would you Eddie

hello filthy Ralph's filthy for the last

time my name is Ralph filthy not filthy

Ralph

honestly just because I run a chain of

discount brothels everyone seems to

think I'm a dirt has a logic to that

conclusion Andy my ledger establishments

are totally allowable and anyway I'll

get the kids off youth training scheme

[Laughter]

[Applause]

I've never deceived you before well when

when have I ever deceived you Wayne when

you kept back all my cash that's not

deception that's fast

well you promised me you can get me a

snogging session with Princess Di's

alright alright once I've deceived you

one no twice you told me your mannish

Laurence Olivier so I do Laurence

Olivier the one-armed turn impression

there was an implication you met Larry

the actor that's a same difference all

right they daughter I have lied to you

through my teeth throughout our

professional association coming round

and scratching drinks occasionally a

professional association auntie I've had

a long day and I've only been up half an

hour

I've never any good before my second

pack us now so you know that now please

just let me spit it out Oh

please this is my agent Reggie you are

in trouble big trap havoc bigger than

the biggest laughter be ever got opens

war dollar eveningwear everyone thought

the cheeky chap had done just a bit too

far including that one my god how do you

think'll loss I'm telling you if you

were to take all the best bits of the

world's true greatness and construct out

of them the world's best comedian parade

running trousers Paul Daniels

catchphrase 10 dad's haircut

Sid littles timing any large impression

Jimmy quick funny willing and then give

that comic the world's best CAG

which would have to be that's a 79

election promise to cut an employer

believe me Liu Bei the laugh you would

get would still not be as big as the

Trump you

well well what what is the trap my boy

Richard was in oh he's had a paternity

suit filed against him a seventeen year

old girl is pregnant and says you're the

father we're talking about 20 years of

having to spend all your money on a

bastard given everybody about Eddie what

about his baby I'm talking about the

baby now Ritchie tell me straight this

is Ralph here your oldest acquaintance

did you get laid nine months ago and

more specifically to a rather young pop

so you claim to be a fan listen I made

you suspicious roster because if you did

it's gonna cost us Trey mucho missoula

you didn't do it did you

and why not it meets a you filthy rap

had sustained some quite considerable

beliefs your beacons in buy time thank

you get richer if you just put your

disgusting libido back in your underwear

for a second then if it's yours you pay

up is it yours

no I've never done it in my life so the

truth is that Richie Rich has never done

it in his loud obviously I have done it

once no no lots not very very sexy yeah

I remember I probably had loved

everybody no well by now well in that

case you can't take the blood test

they've already ordered it and even if

there's a chance that you'll fail we

cannot risk it we're talking about money

we gonna do what are we gonna do

probably the dog might be the stock

which is little baby cats believe it's a

friend of yours a big white bird with a

bundle in his bait it's for bloody stock

I'm gonna settle this once and for all

Richie Richie they're a protected

species

milkman shakes pork I've seen I would go

further and posit but it's not a sport

at all but a milkman yes I was have to

believe me

as everyone knows the baby stock doesn't

exist

stop ruining childhoods innocence is

lost all too quickly miss bog wells

until your agent has a brothel baby

plays stage school stage school they're

wonderful kids and I think the world of

them but never mind all that

never mind on that Richie you have just

killed a milkman

oh god how depressing this could be very

bad publicity for us very bad indeed

what you think the papers will side with

milky fountain I remember when I had my

Creed on my books pyramid chadwin got

drunk one night and set fire to a nun

next series of Saturday superstore was

slated yeah filthy and then alright

there's only a couple of milkman ain't

cranky lately whistle e with me morning

madam intersection and a bill that he's

after time when milkman maybe you could

laugh it off friendly joke went too far

thoughts on both sides but - he looks

very Freddie star doesn't he this is

just for sort of thing goes black was in

the press pick up on the critical small

for my next show

yeah and just saying now Daily Telegraph

Blondie's great news Richie Rich no stop

please

I'm not going to please I'll claim

diminished responsibility premeditation

please stop shouting Richie nobody knows

about it yet

and when the going gets tough the tough

ever flagger to drink it up

hello get me buddy loser Gary price

yes I can hold I'll send him a figure

they're drinking up under carry yeah

yeah I want you to lose a body

right

well he doesn't feel like losing a Bobby

today we'll have to do it ourselves the

question is have I got an idea yeah

we're gonna go back home we competition

party it's so not bad

Ritchie get this blokes clothes off

you're gonna have to do his jumps on the

dairy don't work out he's dead oh man

but the minute a drastic solution isn't

it I mean all right I've killed a couple

of guys but what you're suggesting is

manual labor listen to the tragedy Queen

do you want to do hard labor for life

well obviously no but how long am I

expected to keep it up for living a

double life as a milkman I expected to

train these wickets let the clog dance

sleep with his wife I'm bound to be

discovered this year's in her curlers

lying there thinking oh god I'm so bored

if I'm to sex that working class boy guy

married but all of a sudden

whoops-a-daisy Richie Rich flashes a

star spangled smile and something not

dissimilar to a nuclear submarine floats

in the

and then when she scrubbed your

beer-bellied back onto the floor naka

doesn't start searching for your action

why can't any the get to it

afraid to be forgetting Ricci we have

two little problem it's here and we need

energy for the other one that paternity

stuff and you can't take that blood test

in case it's positive and what's that

got to do with me hello get me two girls

round at Ritchie's place vast great and

partake fantastic let's forget all our

problems and party makeup girls we're

gonna make any look like Ritchie so

though he can take the blood test

instead and that way we'll be sure the

blood won't match the babies Ritchie put

on milky Strauss as Eddie put on

Ritchie's trousers others gonna wear my

trousers

mostly imagine someone criminally insane

who enjoys whipping to high heaven and

scaring old ladies

like all great actual I must have linked

myself into the room I'll give him a lip

no that definitely says milkman to me

and a hunchback of course yes all those

milk crates must take their toll super

Richie Rich moved as if he was born a

milkman Sibbald been a living in der

stürmer cockney of course luckily I'm a

master of Daleks he goes Ibaka there you

have it for milkman a creation to rank

with Olivier the fellow

Gilberts Hamlet and Forsythe brilliantly

observed supermarket deals blow off the

bone number two milkman bodies to get

rid off no stick him in the rubbish dump

bully in their revolution jar no I

haven't stopped illuminating you dragon

it audio no I'm not gonna take you away

well perhaps one might just scrap to get

around the street then I mean I'm fries

what you normally do isn't it do you

have any idea how difficult a bishop

waste disposal is bloody

that is so difficult what we call the

daughter of a pity's sake people seem to

use these buttocks as a forum for

whatever personal hobby not they feel

like waffling on the back then shut up

and trash these bother on telling you

the fat no why

[Music]

final it is not in a bin liner one-day

rubbish collection is going to be

carried out entirely by microchip and

your staff to death but I'm glad Richie

Rich wonderful characterization love

very very fetching indeed now have you

put milk on theories of the same not

quite thar be brain half liquid want a

lot of a failed old from but an

excellent the drag queen with zero

talent like me in fact I think I'm a

company brat breathing I won't even ask

how you came by these two Richie oh they

certainly shall forget today in a hurry

what a big you won't first name your

life you look off my presentable dick

face you kill it's still not going to

become fashionable you know all you

gotta do is get rid of war dead milkman

it'll be no problem no problem

may I cash wanna remind you Richie that

I am stood here dressed like a

completely pump seagate now can we

please get to the hospital and trust

this paternity suit before I get

mistaken for a poodle

on the way eat your pie boy he's done to

my daughter though gigolo the Casanova

the Don Juan the lothario the Randy

little bastard believe me mrs. white

house it's the blood from the baby in

the blood for mr. rich prove compatible

your daughter will be entitled to an

enormous settlement he's nothing but

vile seducer I tell ya and by all sedusa

I wasn't that bad about worse delivered

his last pint of milk and that's the

truth

I understand you claim to be the father

of your child

yeah hang your head in shame Eddie you

card for what you've done to this poor

girl why I've got a good mother punch

you right in the face he's not making

blame this part very easy you know it's

a daughter Shaqiri it's you that diggy

not a de we're trying to get you out of

this all right hold your horses

Rob you know just paying you enough out

of my wages

filthy when I agreed to miss cruel

deception I've never Glenn Berger will

be someone lovely big you like me

darling to me he looks like me I think

he does a bit obviously not quite as

handsome your old car

Remiel or powdered glass in the toko job

if you ask me doctor I'm sorry about

this demented milk mum we brought with

us just get on with a blood test would

you and while you're out could you get

50 I toss they gave it just remains to

get yours if you'd step this way please

okay dump temper go easy - on two

bladders normalization body I think you

should

only you knew my pretty young maid if

only you knew perhaps the day will turn

out a happier Dave and even you expect

oh they'll be happy enough when that

slimy rat in there plays out the

maintenance no doubt about it the tests

proved positive

this gentleman's blood is from the same

families that for the babies although

somewhat diluted that's my blood

No you filthy what are you saying this

man's blood is positive I knew it I knew

it will we be able to sue for

maintenance certainly if you'll excuse

me I'll get the relevant test

certificate wait

stay your hand doctor but time has come

for the truth Richard the baby's father

is not this sad impostor whose blood

happens to coincide but none of of an

eye Richie Rich yes links 1972

maintenance forget it I'm gonna look

after my baby and you see me I'm going

to give you a home and make you an

honest woman I love you and our baby and

I can't wait to start work on another

one oh darling aren't you happy for us

somebody's making a film of me now mas

am surprised myself money's worth being

associated with an idiot like him it

would have been bad enough people think

in arts let Nadine but live with him no

way I'm sorry cousin Eddie you lose you

are for the maintenance but you do

understand yeah I certainly do I live

with the bastard already bye bye auntie

Myrtle bye bye doctor

oh bloody Oh Richie

fish it was a plot I needed some cash

for the kid so he went out if I took the

blood test being a relation it would

prove positive we could all have some of

your cash but it was Phil fees idea yes

yes I was in for a cut as well we all

were if you ain't got some sentimentally

all to work perfectly my own agent of my

best bloody friend and minder tried to

defraud me for my cash bloody metal

Richie darling you can't sack us you

need us you need us to sort out that

other little problem we'll have a little

problem drink a pint of milk

[Music]

this time members fakes the fiendish

master criminal removes all trace of his

ghastly crime consigning but lifeless

corpses the VISAA deaths your neck

unless you swing your up right now it's

alright now what's the sweetie I think

he means go away

you're very lucky boys cuz we've got

important police business to do here so

op me

Oh diction let's start chucking to me

[Music]

secretary of finance for self space this

sort of thing wouldn't be necessary to

be the fun of that cheap knockoff

release we do try getting out of mr.

cheap you've got like this look I've had

just about enough left-wing soapbox

rhetoric for one way if you don't like

the Phillies next time you get beat now

try calling an alternative comedian

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

now look squeaky I've told you before

balloon bending is no longer a saleable

commodity the public want sex

squeaky too round balloons and one long

thin one does not close which intersects

their squeaky do yourself a favor cut

your losses kin yourself sorry mr.

filter what not give and take daughter

that's what sharing an office is all

about mr. filthy about my actions now

you did say that daughter I am a dying

man or may not live through this I

am NOT an art dealer and if I was they

are a witch I dealt would not be the

gumption cupboard I saw as you produce

in your KIBRA now that young lass of

yours that Cindy now she is a work of

art if share the fence that any lunch

time peeling I'll get a fiver of flesh

over my dead body mr. filthy right here

that could be a super little

back-breaking okay that for me would you

dearie my crackers told me to take it

easy

hello Ralph filthy MediaCorp do not get

your yes yes now who did you want to

speak food yep Richie Rich no you've got

a job for him oh yeah yeah

celebrity slaughterhouse closing can't

do it for any less than 20 quid or

arctan yeah when do you want him when do

you want it now

would you believe it today is the only

day of the decade that he is actually

work

yeah I know it sounds impossible but

yeah he's at the Chinese people all

right we're learning Jackie from

Nietzsche babbling stop at the beginning

everybody all right

don't forget you laughing applause - and

here we go it's Tuesday 6:30 and time

for and here's your host everyone's

favorite birth makeup oh thank you thank

you thank you for giving me the clap

[Music]

[Applause]

sounds a bit rude ha ha ha the game for

all the family and as always we have a

usual motley collection of the dregs of

society the only sane one amongst us our

member of the great British public close

up on the plane I said the plan not

right up her nose for God's sake good

job

so no you are mrs. Ruth butcher close-up

Iver for the big guy

well let's hope you get some really

meaty questions then falling across the

hand why John slap great gag I've a

meaty brilliant

I know these two crocodiles baby Julia

Child embassy let's stick to the scratch

I can't get you imaging Church no stop

on Iver

now the rules of the game like the

members of the panel are very very slim

which sounds a bit rude and then my good

friends II have to laughs dirtily but

then have to come up with a clean

version for example I never impress the

girls because I've only got a tiny Oh

course the answer is car these put you

down and outs we're gonna try and help

Ruth win good luck now then now then

in glitter and ogled vehicles my

darlings to music million Hubble's

laughing Oh what happened she's giving

me the bed nice to see you again

well bills oestrogen just well-behaved

does Magpul say I bring this songs on

for God's sake

ladies and gentlemen everybody's

favorite mother-in-law Molly Slocum you

soon lovely I'm not a shoe you own it

boss in fact I don't think of anything

nicer than having you old rogue inmate

boss I don't milk it that's a third time

in the hot guy and he used to do every

egg that appalling sitcom used to do

today I'm feeling ever again this

evening

give me a drink

well any what do you think about my show

it was to pendersleigh bad thank you

Julien you seen this man how do you

think the show went I thought it was

wonderful

Rogers last big job I'm sorry to hear

that old man I'd have Weber's having up

top but anyway what did you think about

my performance I thought it was rather

special be honest bastard throwing it at

me massive drinks for this table barman

- well you're not a long faces aren't

you it was a super show life

I'm now an official sunshine for IV

golfing rat disgusting an entire trial

good pop waster it's not one of the baby

st. customers on this planet by my

license I'm just off to see if I can get

a snowplow singleton Wow I didn't

actually give me a test numbers BBC

bastards what my father laughs oh my god

the Newlands sisters my all-time

favorite for tissue fantasy

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

are you it was just a prank you know

[Music]

you're such a big celebrity you must be

pretty rich yeah rich and sexy snap away

girls

I could never resist the camera well if

you're so rich and you want this film

back you better come up with a thousand

quid by the end of the week or your

career is over

right girls right we sell the pick to

the Papes and shop you to the police for

nicking our gear

two three four you're gonna see my horse

we are why else do you think we agreed

to be Miss load of our crap

uh Nolan sister talking dirty to me

makes my thought miss have a chat but we

don't want you to do the song really had

you on the program was used to Bevers

type disco pants and you don't even wear

it anymore me I've got to get on with

the plot thank God someone's still being

professional around here yeah wow she

can run a lot faster than me anyway

right now I need a drink

right whatsoever tonight the final

humiliation no remembers I cannot sink

let's face polite it's finger pretty

sharpish Eddie your old mate Oh weak

like it was stairway to heaven before

Eventide who's that then

what who's this old friend of mine

you'll be the death of me

well sadly handsome I'm in terrible trap

deep humiliating trap I mean blackmail

boy for Nolan sisters darling that is

embarrassing if I guess is the peg for

your being stitched up by the Noles

you'll be a laughingstock still look at

the bright side which is every the

first/last you've ever got people aren't

supposed to laugh yeah they're not

supposed to throw heavy objects and

charms get off your boring bastard we've

heard better jokes on the Speaking Clock

some stage Edward I create I improvise

they may occasionally be some slight

unpleasantness yes I think is called

your act

I'm story me the sack you know all of it

a one day Edward calf ran out of the

moon completely by surprise

you're going to die everyone I think

it's an accident except me and the

strange enigmatic figure with the

chainsaw right now uh where were we

we were here we haven't moved nice dad

right now let's have supper and decide

what to do about those blackmailing no

way downtown except our completely broke

and there's no food we're completely

broken there's no food should I go for

the big echo gang no mr. time we've got

to decide what to do about those

thieving Nils oh I can bloody do it

right here this room's got an echo yes I

don't think mythological a lot to worry

about dear do you have a ketchup no look

we've got two problems is no food and

for Newlands what are we going to do

it's the Nolan's we can't pick Nolan

city should be suicide besides you start

something like that you better be

showing them finish it sounded forth I'm

starving look at is if we then where it

all ends

we then Bucks Fizz heed us brotherhood

of man ease back fees Jimmy Osmond news

brotherhood of man that's right huge

enormous mil of the road singer left in

the whole of life independence and demi

sweet sauce will be back number one yes

[Music]

don't worry I'll smoke my own filthy

smoke those are you ill Oh what I

have just made a thousand quid with any

luck I should die before I can spend it

all which means I need never be poor

again

you filthy a peasant Queen I don't

understand right just like one quid

Ritchie only there's more of them try to

think of it as like a thousand quid wow

that's like two thousand appearances on

blankety-blank interesting bit of

business really this mad old bag who

cleans my office that's the odd canvas

so art rolled up the Hampstead and bunk

wine up on a railing and I sold it

that's the old git who thought she was

famous for a thousand quid I'll pull the

other one filthiest got balls on bells

any bells on my balls all night girls

who's got bells on I suggest you seek

your doctor out immediately filthy you

mean by mistaken snob value make the

painting valuable exactly mm-hmm nasty

John's and dog fights yes I can

hold

a thousand quid is exactly what you owe

the nose I know

hello nasty John yeah I hear you're

putting up a bunch of mix I'm a toaster

a bit so against the three-legged cat a

fiver under moggy now a fiver on each

goalie reject nice I said a thousand

quid it's exactly what you owe the

Knowles I know I told you that in the

first place have you got any children

fighting today

Oh Hey look the door I know the cats

will be pushing up daisies in a concrete

overcoat dumped in the canal with your

pockets full of pebbles then interrogate

here in a box are you threatening me

just give me the cash just do it oh so

happy I'll swing for you Ritchie please

don't shout your mother's got very

sensitive ears they bleed when people

asked me for money cowbo filthy just

hand over the cash my boy Richie's been

blackmailed by the now land sisters

she'll be shamed until early eighties so

what's new hi Ritchie what is new

enormous beric yeah Ralph over here

to close and boner eats of my

acquaintance are trying to rob me

[Applause]

so get your chainsaw and come down to 33

acacia cul-de-sac with Joe

have you got all that mean right cut out

there you already when pick them besides

the back to this call polar could always

allowed you to destroy the house let's

kill him Oh

Richie Richie darling

you've got it all wrong the agent is

supposed to rob the client please don't

flaunt tradition

remember bulgy no madam it's not a third

leg McDowell gee I represented him for

years

a court in watering my whiskey once he

never worked again

never worked before I fell sir you is

worse than Richie I hate people walking

by whiskey I know I never hate

people peeing in my booth

yeah but that's not the point

come on kill him goodbye

filthy Ralph Oh sharper than a serpent's

tooth it is to have an ungrateful client

why do you think I came over here Richie

darling if not the sharing with you my

good fortune what's mine is veal ah

what's that Richie he's got syphilis

come on close your eyes and open your

hands

ah oh what fun

I remember doing this at school one of

my friend said to me hey

[Music]

[Music]

I'm getting it

we cross the lab filthy have you bought

the ground just see any good at the

toilet no we need the cash I'll tell you

something I'm never lending you more

clothes looking say I could not say it

like nobody's business

Richie it's a sewer wish like

everybody's business well I suppose it

was inevitable if I acquired a Bijou

pile of Rouen oh it couldn't last I

couldn't wish thee a more dignified a

anybody got anything to drink coffee

this is not the attitude but winds when

Mike winters left Bernie did Bernie sit

on between have a drink no the dog

called snore beats on a showbiz legend

was born

it's not more problem Richie I've

already alerted enormous Derek I've

activated a highly trained and dedicated

professional killer or to put it another

way I found a big bastard with no brain

who likes dressing up in women's

underwear and I've got the photos so

unless you and Eddie play me my thousand

pounds back boy tonight it's roller

blinds for the both of you sorry Curtis

of course

filthy made that thousand quid out of

that strange painting episode Oh

are you thinking what I'm thinking Eddie

I was thinking about making money

come along Edward we're gonna make you

into an artist so get out your easel

oh I'm not prevention riser with any

would come we repair to Hampstead right

extra extra

I'm an extra

well

have you sold it yet you must have sold

hundreds I'm singing your praises Oh

none entitled simply like Helen until

now I was blind but alas they behold

life as it really is Oh God fans it's a

bar I know but I'd always say without

the fans even I will be nowhere table he

feels the same and Canada CH Bobby that

boy said the same thing I said Bobby

long you are nowhere I've got a psycho

fan he's probably got a gun John Lennon

syndrome poor the police peasant this is

the art critic Alphonse Parvati perhaps

something in this horrifying collage of

mental vomit hell's moved his soul

personally it moves only my bowels

[Music]

Eduardo catch let off hello

wants to know

strength such anger my friend you are a

genius

I came to exhibit your work thank you

product I intend to exhibit your work

soon you will be famous and rich right

how about a bit in advance but of course

of course stage perhaps I might choose

that one that's not actually a painting

that's my lunch

it's disagreed with me but you could

have out for a thousand quid

maybe maybe since 10 it's clicked up on

me while I can afford the guardian' it

worked

bloody worked come on let's go and

celebrate we got money fantastic Richie

wait come over here quickly before I

call the sea to slap up grills please

XOR bake blackboard bloater and nose

mushers pieces chippers button sly SEOs

in short two heart attacks microRNA

intensive care unit piece and an abscess

on sir in an unfeasibly large brandy

please

I'm afraid sir we don't do fry ops what

you'd like to see the menu yes

well me pride Beauty I think we're gonna

have a classic noir shop here and if we

could have your autograph please

oh god more fans Dilip I'm not used to

it now I never will be what name is it

lover I heard what mr. pooh Farsi said

about your work I've never met a

celebrity before such passion such fun

uh-huh

if you want to save it a finely

fashioned baby you'll have to ask

goodness look after mom who a sounds a

bit rude Richard don't be she's

recognized you at all how are you

darling No who is he Oh what are you

talking about Eddie yeah oh of an

interesting table

[Music]

in advance but I'm not paying for his

bloody things I wants to pay someone I

couldn't be a contender but now you're

zacchara front pushing barging farting

farting sounds now when I don't need mr.

big and bradley works out up yours

I'm not playing the old tuck have you no

honor no integrity

it's a bloody stupid question why I said

you can change your 30 pieces of silver

welcome it gives me enormous pleasure to

sit on bath tubs to open this premiere

exhibition you know that comes to us

occasionally over time yes a force a

gift from God a gift of fire and passion

such a gift

it's eduardo cunha produces is welcome

flatulence the only truly disposable art

form I hear 250 oh come on

and I was about to bid then Oh my bid

stay completely if anybody wants to

welcome

means me to say I am consumed with

discontent consumed that they despite

our wager it was my hope that that would

be proved wrong

Allah say overestimated the art

establishment their sheep they will

follow any fashion we bet that you could

find the most gross talentless quickish

just thought of the painter the genuine

world first header predict and with your

influence make the public thinking and

exciting artist into my shame in this

appointment I have done so and you owe

me twenty thousand of your English and

guess who Harry oh bloody of a

price of my silence is back twenty

thousand and the price for your end is

ridiculous Sharad is making my bloody

mind of all famous for me come let's go

comedy but we did it simply by being

stupid come to close it

you've been be ignorant deep of these

two arrogant trying to prove a

point now saw something was a bit

strange I just some hot pants for four

hundred quid

which after I paid off for Knowles and

Phil becomes the 18 file of which you

were forgetting right let's go powerful

moments no need to do that Richie I've

already paid them off with my burpin

pants money but it would seem to be a

Bijou bit out of character for you to

perform an act of kindness well I

haven't really performed an act of

kindness filthy because I still have the

incriminating film so I'll just take my

18 grand and we'll celebrate we're gonna

have the most disgusting the prize

debossed

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

let me see let me see

ah the groaning board the teaming table

the endless variety of God's bounty Oh

shipping is a truly perfect art far

above mere painting or sculpture you

can't eat the sheet of canvas or a lump

of rock ketchup what are you 14 do my

senses deceive me has Eddy Calthrop

emerge from the arms of morpheus or

perhaps a nearby elephant is blown off

with mr. loving ready for anything us

knows this alcoholic morning routine

with my shopping list gas mask now then

shall we have seven courses or eight us

well the other hand like a bloody pauper

huh better make it twelve we can always

be like the Romans and throw out between

courses twelve gas masks nose peg for

nose smelling salts and a one-way ticket

to Australia to get away from Eddie's

with I die yeah morning a day I trust

you slept well fantastic

a truly great sleep on the scale of one

to five five million four hundred and

twenty nine thousand five hundred and

sixty two you find sleeping face down in

the toilet conducive to restful slumber

and why shouldn't I sleep in the

lavatory you wet the bed

once once I had a terrible nightmare but

that was ultimately an untalented and

there was a momentary aberration and it

decided having an extra vivid

subconscious it's a sign of having an

extra dribbler I went to have a change

screaming into the middle of the night

it's happen these arms are going around

the house why you wept like a soul in

torment rusted define poor frightened

Richie shiver and terrified white

sitting in a puddle yes and what do I

don't remember

you switched on my electric you

completely electrocuted by sunshine

pencil actually what's this I don't know

what am i scary looks is my intimidating

frown so you just watch that how's the

hair grown back yet your lab blobs look

like Yul Brynner Snuggie with Kojak dude

Eddie your spite and venom of things be

not because I'm sitting and you'll get a

prison forever

hello filthy yeah Ritchie here I want to

sue Eddie Richie your client but

about five foot ten brown hair Ruby's

not important my mind Edward says that

I've got bald love blobs and I want to

sue big on both of the trial that sucker

what am I paying you for

oh no I don't it was a rhetorical

question goodbye and tell me why you are

wearing a hat that makes you look like

you've got a toilet roll on your head

because Eddie I have taken up a skillet

and the frying pan

I've been studying cookery all morning

and I am now a master chef that's why

I'm wearing this great well you look

like a chicken drumstick wrong again

because actually I look great oh we are

having a dinner party oh-ho eight for

8:30 food fine wine little chocolaty

minty fingers who's coming

oh those Pascal friends the man from the

dirty mags shop and why no bill again

you really are insanely jealous aren't

you Edward I keep forgetting of course

you're not in the B value the huge

fantastic galaxy of showbiz stars are

all brothers and sisters to me Toby

for instance brilliant invitations I

sent out the years and four tiers Carbon

celebrate Ricki which is 10 fabulous

years of success how sad

from fed dannion but we know on are you

being served to his very own carbon

guard sitting at the same table as

Charlie and that's that no no no we're

talking about Jimmy Tarbuck

cheek attack from the pool everybody's

pal but Johnny got to scatter with the

twinkle in his eye and a smile for every

honest Englishman

look if there's one thing I hate in

British entertainment more than you

it's that vast army effects stand-up

comics who did one half funny gag on

Sunday night at the London Palladium in

the middle sixties and I made a fortune

doing game sales ever since and your

name is and you like me to patronize and

humiliate you on the off chance of

winning a change mode well I complete

laughter bastards if you're me I don't

think anyone will be asking you will

they Eddie

Dobby is just a simple gesture an honest

broker from Burbank of smiles why was

any saying so - Marty came just now

before her last trip to South Africa so

I'll thank you to keep your embittered

communistic treason to yourself during

tonight's intercourse with Italian

friends I am not having intercourse with

Tom well what a surprise

form anything to be episode maybe

pap-pap delivers the most tour to his

old Doubront Andre in history

social intercourse Eddie so you we

shall talk about subjects far above your

head poetry fine goal that reminds me I

must bone up on Tommy's book of golfing

anecdotes they are the greatest work of

England's hate more than golfing

anecdotes and it's this

well done Tommy Lindsay and I had taken

time off and flown to Spain with grieves

II and partying Tama Connery to play

some golf with Leslie Leslie with

lesbians different topics of feminism

Lizzie cranberry Eddie Lizzie crabber a

he's just another one of the great guys

but makeup my fantastic showbiz gang

which I belong to and you don't shut up

I'm telling you the great anecdote

Lindsay lined up to TDT lined up the tea

table and said to me gosh how about we

swing so much pot last night being great

guys together and being such great big

showbiz mates but I bet I miss this next

shot and blow me down but he did he

missed it I can see it's gonna be a

pretty scintillating evening with

everyone cracking brillo gags like that

one hey maybe there's a series in it

dinner which is an Ultra sophisticates

Oh could he make this is the BBC tonight

servitor Mitch will be talking to the

Queen perp herb and of course of the tar

be disaster you get completely drunk and

make a pass on the Pope for wearing a

dress

not a good tally about Rick so what

incredible 12 courses are you gonna cook

for these fantastically amiable showbiz

terms of yours

mm-hmm but we must play to our strengths

muscle over each ourselves had 12 or

they just see now how's the golf game

tubs you wanna hear a really stupid joke

about an Irishman being stupid I want to

you to defend your thematically my

friend you vicious freeloading parasites

smelly to the rescue when I was watching

TV I am in the lab this morning I saw

this fantast ad for a new medical policy

cooking and when you buy part one you

get the part to completely free like a

marvelous operated one not to be missed

actually sister rather clumsy center for

a gag later on he didn't swap Oh

[Applause]

ready ready ready let's go

blimey the news Jason's has got a lot

closer since we moved into a smaller

yeah it's 40 by magic for everyone

hey I am your darling yep it's me Richie

Rich ha ha

don't faint trace of the moment here's a

pic put it in the box you keep her

precious things and show your kids I'm

sorry I don't understand what you're

talking about

oh yes oh yes I'm sure one of the cool

type are we gonna bust your friends iron

I don't this morning and I

pretended I didn't recognize him what a

sad little knife you must be do you have

pop one up on see cooking with part-2

completely free I'm afraid I have no

money

so just take party but nothing shall

give you Megaman X program I say you're

right darling cuz your parts over yes

the nd your seem back to the dull for

you now five nines thank you and good

night

well I must say this looks very

interesting

fine but he is the beers it's a tough

life it's a tough life dearie I mean

look it out the Maillard

she used to be quite attractive I'm

still quite fancier yeah

[Music]

is very interesting what's there to be

sometimes help food when I eat that like

the dogs with a heart attack

let's have a good traditional English

roast we work only from big sister

father all right let's make a shopping

list yeah 400 pounds of oven chips well

I seem simply gonna take vallarta first

where it's not what not always remember

there are poor children in the world

with their cozy little Terrace dwelling

a roaring fire bread cheese ripping add

a little love makes a meal fit for a

king they're happier being poor there so

perhaps not at the moment

try not to tak over to actually tiny

mind any at the moment it's

concentrating on breathing in a comedy

let us go to a super

what's a rotten shop that you want to

buy for example cruisers bite-sized

cruise missile shaped lumps of potato

flavored snack warning this product

gives you cancer cancer these days

it can't go off without someone telling

you Jimmy who definitely you'll get

grabbed have a dick we have every

intention of paying for this item every

intention oh it'd be funny if somebody

don't back down with this of course the

absolutes the best thing to offer fruit

at the end of the meal so refreshing of

course he comes in Charlie honey for the

sex games

Brutus crashed and brutally full then

have been playing golf all day so

they'll be ready for the party vital

just look at this little lamb chop

it was probably once a big gambling

don't need eyes you dying tonight I

fancy myself as a fireman don't fancy

yourself mister car see that anyone else

is connected to me hey you see this

frozen chicken yes Richie bit

Richie Rich do you see this frozen

chicken I think you do I just remembered

we shouldn't be here we have no cash

Eddie

celebrities don't need money

next what look it's just this back of

the cancer crunch in a trolley full of

meat let us off like if you meant I'm an

ex-pro please my dad go you don't seem

to understand I Richie Rich I'm offering

you nobody I'm H on the next prove right

I can see this is gonna require some

subtle handling

how does it feel to know that your

checkout down and you've reached my peak

of your potential how does it feel to

know that you're a talentless guess and

you never even out any potential I 200

pounds that we don't know where are you

you just you tape I'm one of Britain's

top comic talents say something funny

then yeah if you're so funny Richie why

don't you say something funny something

from it I will top that mistimed it mr.

Forsyte just a bit I was once continuity

leak man on TV s I don't see my eyes

would have to pay for my dude

the dog

[Music]

I'm all they'd never give up Pat mr.

bullfights only add some stamina who

still freaking sound at home now and

plenty of time to get on with my bunting

the wolf dinner party that's what you

think but I have been thinking well well

well

wonders will never cease any cat perhaps

been thinking

put on some bunting organized a street

party then off some fireworks telephone

the Queen gives everyone a week's

holiday for man with no brains been

thinking everybody go to the lavatory in

amazement don't matter because you will

soon be impressed

please press on you have just aided and

abetted a robbery in front of mr.

Forsythe and fifty man check out girls I

of course I'm all right

I was just the mysteriously handsome

bloke in the huge attractive trousers

who vanished without a trace

but you you're Richie Rich the good

you'll be going to praise you're not all

right darling you're not all right

because I saw squeal yeah I shall sing

and blab and then I might even spill a

little bit and I shall buy a lighter

sentence with the names of my

accomplices to wit Edward catflap aver

nice love a facelift so you can't exact

your blood-curdling revenge

it made a forklift rattle if your face

mater well at least I've got a face not

a sort of collar of babies and six just

pushy together any girlfriend you think

you can take it out on me you never get

any girlfriends how much rich it's you

you never get any girlfriend I was out

with a girl last Wednesday Eddie that

was your mother

I still got a snug

former fight really she beat me

senseless she beat you senseless that

must have taken at least 10 seconds for

a thousand years

Tommy's coming back for the most

important dinner party of boy's life

you're babbling all about your insane

mother we're a block freak with no Lube

rush I'll tell you free my agent yeah

hey what if you won't take the rap

Channing will go to the paints about his

children's catalog guys thinking hello

filthy yeah god bless look out the bomb

drive safely listen you filthy evil

porno merchant me and Eddie are in deep

trouble and unless you take the blame

will tell the world the truth about your

so-called stage school please don't

please please listen I'm not a well man

this morning I coughed so hard I stuck

my trousers up my backside now listen

listen Ritchie

nobody needs to take the rap for this

what you have got to get yourself is an

alibi yeah don't shout daughter don't

shout there's only so much an agent can

take after only one bottle of aspirin

there's a Richard alley boys are easy

you're a comic right well loosely

speaking of course you were doing a show

that's easy all we have to do is to get

you a real show tonight and then Eddie

can crawl around surreptitiously turn

all the audience's watches back to the

time you played the store yes oh no just

a venue tres chic try boner yeah only

the nicest young ladies they'd apply

[Music]

a peepshow filthy what if Tommy finds

out I should be thrown out of the Royal

Order of the charitable self publicizing

show B's Borgata switching they were any

of themselves off an Erica but they had

to leave because they run in a 50p

that's my boy Richard le ha I won't

wanna face out all these rich into

getting a bit restive at the moment

trying to save bouncers really don't bow

oh why the the act aid would richard has

got enough to concern him already what

was being cracked I thought you were

supposed to be running around the

audience turning there watch his back

ball by your good the girlies well I was

trying to filthy when the hands are

moving too quickly right that's it

Ritchie you're on oh my god I'm not

ready no

try-try products it's absolutely bloody

right you know pretty stands I better

get over my superstitions

[Music]

whenever hitch um Adam don't start me

off do cement on stage you always did

this but since juicy was notoriously

awful whoo boys and girls LEDs and less

funny man indeed their world-famous

mister Ruggeri

[Music]

[Music]

hi glad you got me good be careful

[Music]

[Laughter]

[Music]

seriously folks the good Lord gave us

fun good present and that was the gift

of love thank God relax a Tony Benn can

take that away promise well he probably

liked it wouldn't he blind stick lost

his hairdresser yeah two three four

[Music]

Thank You Liza German god bless you one

and all

a smile of a child a beautiful woman

just simply being

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

well that's kind they've got we couldn't

afford flowers I've got some rather bad

news for you you're under arrest

that's the bad news oh come on I was a

bat bag stumbled on a couple of alibi it

collapsed mr. Forsythe he'll understand

here it's bred for us

are you coming quietly no it's just the

way I walk I want my public to know

because he let me took a block I was

still cracking buffers no sir

how did you say woofers or engine don't

do long Tom that everybody else dug up

in the playground got a degree yeah just

does he won four times as much submerse

you picking cheeks to say a good

old-fashioned puppy food is quite

acceptable mind you is not so nice when

they know you to the table and shove it

up your backside well Eddie the long and

winding road is over the Great God

public claims another weary showbiz

victim Oscar Wilde playwright arrested

for his beliefs Lenny Bruce comedian

arrested for his beliefs

Richie Rich celebrity arrested for going

missing down the local shop it'll be the

trial of a century as we tried in

majestic splendor by a jury of my peers

parking table a lynching suit Lonnie I

mean diamond date Debbie green

bit of a sec set off of a driver said of

course you won't be there cause she'll

be impressed

I'll be alright though I'm gonna plead

insanity let's face it you've got the

evidence at Mawson rattles my flame I

found you a lawyer

Oh Mickey Mouse I'd known him for years

spurting Purvis the fetus per teensy bit

of luck him being here really

you'll get anyone off if you buy him a

dirty child brothel disgusting declining

model value there is about purvis Bertie

right that was quick well then the

police say I buy these left-wing

committees keeps nagging at them is

beyond me if you don't want to get

beaten up you shouldn't be poor it's a

simple sighs red chase shut up what

Jasper take me a my mate rich in a bit

of a fiction they're gonna wind up doing

five to ten in the slammer unless you

can stitch the jury rig the judge and

fly off the pigs with a serious kickback

England's not the British Bobby cannot

be bought you show you all phones sorry

what are you offering you must speak to

my lawyer

what Oh Purvis Purdy now everything

seems to be in order here ah

I would stand by you Ritchie but lost

causes depress me

I wanted into a garden only pet see with

my garden and unseen various titles of

women's laundry hanging on the line i

net to be assumed they were invited and

some washing and I began to get it in

for her

the fact that I live in a high-rise that

and I'm not mind is entirely

circumstantial evidence and inadmissible

well better escape and fly in the face

of Lyon Britain's Law & Order initiative

never there is no choice the meet is in

my trousers table is coming round in a

couple of hours to here is fantastic go

figure they don't and you're banged up

in the slammer don't be disgusting I

have never been banged up the slammer in

my life you're right what we have to do

is set up a complicated system of

Stooges to find out exactly what the

guards are up to

then we take three tunnels and hide them

Tourette's in our classes we Forge some

German ducats and make the clothes of

some French peasant workers out of these

blankets we build a glider and we pole

vault over the fence what do you think

thank you your plan work brilliant yes

same about old smurfy getting somewhere

they get stopped the SPG SPG not forget

stop hello

they completely different things like a

star power speak German well we're all

right that's all that matter of course

it is Eddie safe and sound at home now

the brats now I can get on with the

barrage my fantastic dinner party Oh

auntie big trousers

okey-dokey mailbox

now then I've invited Toby Lin Chi parky

brucey

Tommy O'Connor E and you and me how is

the prison comestibles how did you get

so much meat in your trousers that's

what all the girls smart is the last

recourse of the emotional Eddie

it's a psychological truism but people

talk about that which they cannot do oh

and is that why you're always talking

about acting hot pants

that's a the land beyond the Oblivion of

brain death Eddie where your cryptic

observations will be understood but to

us other things they are mashed potatoes

so keep them to yourself

Ritchie it's your choice

I can either stuff the meat into the

oven you into the oven or the oven into

you which is it before the oven Tommy's

coming burning Timmy's I haven't got the

same please get this sounds a bit Rhoda

no matter how much I stuffing there's

still those more waiting to be pushed in

thank you for these observations Eddie I

just have bill with every culinary

exchange to be accompanied by the mad

rantings of a brain-dead vegetable

yeah I bought your bottle of wine bar

drunk in attacks me oh god I forgot I'd

invited you fill me you're hardly gonna

impress my shabby's friends or be

impressed if you had any friends Richie

right that's it I'm serious that's it go

invitations withdrawn go away now

oh go on daughter do me a favor where's

your sense of humor only obeys you

junket who impress your friends will

make a bone a little team the financial

artist be theatrical artiste and the

piss artist it's going to be a truly

magical evening

dude he gets a pretty much time has

passed I'm slaved in melancholic pay for

I think you've been stood that Ferengi

after all I've done I've done a showing

a peep show I've robbed a supermarket

I've been to prison

the rotters haven't even turned up seat

deals me blow after blow Oh what time

did you put on the invites laughs well

eight o'clock look I've got a mere table

is Bruce's Lynch's and forgot to post me

in Vice

yes sir

[Music]

[Music]

hello yes I'd like to speak to amoral

Timothy please yes I can hold

hey well Phil's a lay like it hot and

steaming Mendes pleasure it is to see

you yes indeedy-do how are you I'm not

lending you any money I didn't that's

final hello get amoral Timothy yeah

Ralph's filthy here now look look I've

told you before I don't deal in drugs

yeah yeah well that's why I sold you

three ounces of scouring powder

yes well look at it this way you'll have

to clean its nosing clapping afar over

then

now look immoral Timothy there's no need

to call in huge Simon I was wondering if

you'd accept use of my body in full

paint what do you mean I'm in lovely

condition I only got my new teeth lost

really daughter you do make me tired

with your Harless scrounging golf bag by

the way mind there are you

whenever richly needs you you're never

there and when he gets beaten up you

joining I don't know why he keeps you on

filthy so business is a cruel and lonely

world down nobody monster no Richard

sticks by me because he knows amidst all

the doubt and hypocrisy he can count on

my feelings he knows I was wrong with

the boy Ritchie

well he's trying to run a novel but if

he don't tell me ever again the same

huge lack of talent no he's no more a

novelist than Jeffrey Archer and I knew

Jeffrey when he was still going to head

out literacy class

now rich they should stick to what he's

good at well unfortunately you can't

make much cash off like on the sale from

flying off occasion I'm serious

rich hasn't brought him anything in the

last three months not since you did that

wonderful voiceover it's your ex big

contract you know for a fantastic finish

with no annoying drips slap your brush

into juror X do luck so do you well

whatever that was three months ago never

broke again I'm broke with all brunt god

what a country

I'm a sick man does the government care

my medicine has gone up to eight quid a

bottle I quit and then you have to buy

the tonic have you just spent the last

four hours trying to plug the typewriter

in a plaid Mac two pins at the Bott one

pin at the bottom the sake just got two

pins of a bottom and one bit of a top it

completely defies comprehension God how

depressing

it's the wrong way up daughter the two

pins going the two holes oh I see so I'm

supposed to go back in there and turn

the wall upside down

no no no no not even a dirty pants I've

joined the ranks of the other suffering

artists peeps

he suffered Shelley she suffered

Barrymore Bankoff cut his ear off for a

smile from his lady is it for a smile

blimey

lucky didn't fancy a quick wriggle

sufferings got nothing to do with it

Richard you have failed through complete

lack of talent Oh contraire let's abort

all this burying of modern technology

I'll add my genius to favour a simple

old-fashioned medium I got the old

ballpoint better I have mastered the

highest and most complex art form known

to man I have perfected a ganger formula

my copy has already been dispatched my

only handed messenger tonight's

entertainment Department that the BBC

where jumbo with E but witnessed

Entertainment supremo of modern times

well flip his lid what you mean you just

sent it to them just like that no

security no copyright no nothing not

even a suicide if your idea is any good

which I'll admit is a million to one

chance the beams are bound to pinching

it happens all the time

panorama that was our thermal odds idea

originally

I remember we did lunch he said to me

Ralphie said I've got this magic new

idea for a program of political analysis

and current affairs with me as frontman

and thora Hird on links dim boobies at

the next table playing footsie with

that'll sink stitched poor old are you

can't take me with you Richie you're

gonna need a tough experience

hard-headed negotiator artistes we don't

want agents spoiling be a boss Kennedy

we go alone

the idea comes from that clapped-out

useless talentless has been Richie Rich

you never heard of him yeah well you

missed nothing look what the main

problem is he wants to present it well

till old Scout it's awhile since i sat

here mr. whippy wait be long I'm sure

mr. it is when old stupak-pitts me to

the pose of that crackerjack job

dear old stupid hey where is he now

couple of years I mean out drag eject

pencils or the snot-nosed is crackerjack

and then whoops-a-daisy oblivion whereas

me me shoe that's me meteoric best thing

you never happened to be losing crack

attack to a lesser man this is the BBC

not a place of entertainment Richie Rich

you all put it put your foot over there

you oh oh then you all get pretty good

pretty good you all foreskin oh ok get

yourself in there and I'll ever drink

your pyramid chart don't mind if we do

your rectum face bucket of sex three

coffees please darling that look if he

really is your darling now listen just

to get your eyes tested while it's still

free on the NHS you may kill I take it I

don't know what I'd do without a

terrific pair of eyes I yeah fantastic

knockers as well

yeah well 60 down 60 nouns like a few or

as the old sergeant is to say to me pop

your bot on the spot with me or I'll

shove a bite it up it three more copies

please time what rich Oh Jackie how much

are you gonna pay me to present my great

new show oh let me take a look at you

you old queen you look great

yeah but what about his are 1000d cowboy

where's the fire let's don't surround

this for a while look I Reds together

and see if you've mend up on my lap

we're not homosexuals are we now look

Richie don't think I'm saying your ideas

not sexy but can I afford to go to bed

with it or am I looking for a completely

different kind of lover hey but I'm

gonna running up the old flagpole see if

I wants the leaky yes but are you going

to give me the job face please darling

[Laughter]

Richie let me put it this way when I

first came into this office there was a

fat old drunk set behind that desk

mumbling platitudes and it was me and

I'm still there you see the way I'm

thinking Richard no but are you going to

do my new show come on it's buy you a

drink me old mate I've a stinky gopher

our finance and budget troubleshooter to

join us for a swift one or ten by ten we

try not to get pissed or something

[Applause]

[Music]

[Laughter]

about my new series yeah about the new

series now

Lavar stuff eggie here to fly a few

proposals past the saloon in platform

see which one develops a jet fighter

[Laughter]

now regarding baseline options on a new

richie-rich series layout initiative

what are we talking now the pistols or

cruise missiles well I got a married man

locked me into trouble I get me to go

[Applause]

sorry a new series now Richie I've read

the outline treatment and I like what I

see no question they're fantastic right

I want Terry Stotts Jessica no yes

Selina Selina stepmother fighting on me

I'll be able to do five nights a week

primetime on that run your idea posture

you hear and see if he wants to do is

letting up your blouse jumbo believe me

I respect you for holding this guy this

man jumbo with you I knew who I knew and

he was only a quarter of a ton but man a

thief a man who brought Keith Harris a

dog into television Center for nearest

thing that I've got squirrlio your

complacent misogynistic bums flat

these boys don't run your nearby me

all-star golfing secrets good telly it's

all one I'll feel exactly the same way I

felt when I first got a sniffer Bernard

Manning Eddie what's are you it's big

put this out again play your cards right

when do we start you don't start at all

we only wanted the idea would you just

signed over to us for two points or

longer

would you that we want dev Rover the

presenter we do not make gags back

talentless creeps

he does good impressions look at copycat

okay single impression of copycats

except when they say something like

hello my name's Betty from crossroads we

write death row very highly indeed he's

the next RB and you're a talent is

so I'm gonna pinch your IDs digged Avro

in the lead and you can bugger off to a

shorter has Binford give us a clue Oh

God still alive it was something I meant

to do before I nodded off oh yeah put my

out

ow I hate doing that going to sleep with

a still

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

well did you get the job or did they

treat you yes and no you did get the job

when they didn't cheat you

sorry no and yes they linked by the

demos BBC bastards

I'll show them I'll make myself a TV

megastar big oven dude if Thomas

absolutely brilliant over some hope look

he will beg me to work for him the only

way you'll ever get back on Tommy which

is rubbing a sweet chop and getting on

police fine actually that's not too bad

an idea ready don't we get me about that

please we'll be good I'd always thought

things out yeah that's true look at

Leslie Crowder yeah or rather not I said

I was a bad dad he's a good guy hello

throwing it up thought Lesley was

finished after my good woman yeah but

then he did the March answer before the

notice come on complete check of

yourself

what we talkin about you couldn't do an

ad Richie not a personality one anyway

you haven't got a personality all right

I don't Babbitt in no one's gonna buy a

toilet roll because you've got it in

your mouth all right all right

Salinas Scott now my forever to be

surrounded by balloons you don't

necessarily need to be famous together

of Nod birds anyway just gotta have a

good idea that example solar decided to

sell instant noodles on the ground they

taste nice it's right registers freedom

what about that dog you're supposed to

wipe your bottom with

if you are referring to four gorgeous

fickle anthrax pop Edward it's got the

toilet roll in its mouth the idea is but

the paper so lovely and soft but it's

like wiping your bottom with a puppy

that's what they're saying is the paper

so bad you might as well feed it to the

dog except they've got an elephant

giving you ads where does that fit in ah

I shouldn't think it works fitted the

paper to that don't ya what the bottom

with the elephant truly surreal that's

the kind of thinking we need go come on

let's think of an advert for me the

first idea is oh wow well I've always

thought that cornflakes look a bit like

people

and after briefly dipping his toe in the

waters of reason the man with no brain

happily retreats to frolic on insanity

beach hi Jimmy chair god bless look

after mum Oh some dates still available

what can I do for you squad news what

news you want someone for an ad oh I see

oh yes very interesting thank you so

much not work then no no my dad's dying

I know and I need to get on telly what I

need is a bloody good advert dad's going

let's trade boner news daughter I must

say filthy I'll friend you're out a

trifle cow oh we can make money out of

these they just don't buy bodies anymore

listen this is the plot

hi Tom Oh baby you old prostitute you

look like a million dollars in use notes

just joshing let's do business you old

bugger you question what he can do for

you you dirty old gusset face rich

overweight drunken old husbands are

hardly considered a major market force

ha ha ha ha

nice guide Tom oh I like your style you

hatchet-faced old easy lay oh they're

gonna get on great think she fancies

response

let's get frisky listen my dad's dying

yes mr. rich this is head off it's not a

retail outlet if you wish to purchase a

wreath Freddie here will be only too

pleased just apply you with a list of

shops miss Hawkins this is my plan my

dad's dying right tough for him the life

must go on to get a few celebs to the

funeral you know probably up to st. in

grieve Zee level

then we'll make mine a snooze and then

we're laughing I'm sorry I don't follow

I forgot cyclist stupid cow celeb

wearing the gym morning vlogging flowers

at his dad's funeral it's colossal

how are you going to get the celebrities

to the funeral I mean it isn't even you

that's dying well you're not gonna get

toffee oh my dear woman some of these

and concerned and available for work

this mr. wick please call me sexy this

mr. sexy is fantastic I haven't prepared

to offer you a three-year contract worth

half a million pounds maximum TV

exposure posters the lot from now on you

are the bloody flora bloke fantastic

should we shake on shag funeral in the

meantime if any of your other relatives

start to look peaky let me know

immediately

wonderful I'm just like the biggest

advertising contract in history we're

rich well who will be two two blessings

I buy a theater write a play by a

newspaper wrap us up a good review

my head removed and replaced with two

pub optics one scotch a one-gene that

way I could sort of press myself against

the ceiling and get a double straight

down the net without that the father of

having to raise your arm uh swallow my

god bless Drive Safely look up the bum

Richie Rich here some days still

available well it was nice to be rich

for 36 sounds a bit rude sounds a bit

like sex that's exactly right

don't be I can't return the Paul well

you don't have to hide you mean well you

could always killing kill my own father

to get on an advert because we have just

decided to kill your father and now we

have come down to a public house where

presumably we are about to get

completely wham out again I don't follow

the logic but Eddie surely you don't

expect me to kill him myself kill my own

father from whose loins icepad my own

flesh and blood any Richie Rich I've

ever do you capable of such touching

sentiments no no no it's nothing to him

sentiment I'm talking about my papers

what happens are the pigs find out I've

killed my father

we couldn't sit but give a dog a bad

name

tittles that's right get somebody else

to kill him for us I'll get the drinks

in you rustle up a couple of low looking

fellas like a murderous Ginty there I

you know a sort like you're looking mad

soon is soon handle up jackass eat their

dinner right look I don't wish to appear

defeatist or anything but after some

considerable rustling Eddie this is an

East End Pub is bound to be a legit

major Dickens

we're in Bill Sikes country now thieves

murderers and prostitutes and a very

good day to you too indeed landlord

brats you be so goodly kind as to draw

us a couple of fulsome flopping tankers

of your best ale and perhaps service a

smidgen of the fine old English fare

which is so bill T promise from the

attractive sign outside your door yeah

to parts of log on a couple of passages

please see warning me up it's the oldest

trick in the book seven no one suspects

my document in time passing myself off

as a harmless idiot

I knew you can say something like that I

really really knew you just long as you

realize that I knew all the time but you

were going to say the script wasn't you

very much

what are you having written 11 fees I'm

a well-heeled pop from up West and I'm

looking for a couple of low fellows who

don't mind doing a bit of dirty work so

long as there's a sovereign in it for

them not gonna get much for a quid mate

you know bloke in the corner might give

you a kiss for that I suppose do you

think not dirty work as far as sexual

gratification is concerned I'm quicken

we're doing that on my own

such degrading morals that they'll do

bloody murder for the price of a belly

full of mothers really you mean you want

someone to risk life imprisonment for a

fiver

hang on no one said anything about a

five the only one who killed not staffed

and mantid this is some kind of job

centre for the criminal fraternity

well Cabernets I know you working-class

costermongers once you have drunk your

Mets and beaten your wives there's

nothing left to do except sex the dog in

there chainsaw gouging my guts out with

it yes yes maybe if your brains were

spilled all over the pavement I hardly

pick my local council Street changing

the power will be overtaxed do

restrain your in vicinity whilst I

aggression it myself with these two

gutter slaps please Frank I'll get these

Mads I want someone taken out you have a

keen brain what is this a cabaret kid

yes put your swagger and two parts of

water please

yeah come on I just bought you two lily

livered lettuce leaves are have a bitter

edge I think I deserve something in

return got my dad killed maybe they're

scared

what are you queer maybe the pups just a

couple of bolts the old Queens just too

mincing old woof tears what's what's

your buns lads backs-to-the-wall

dead of a handbag put on your bike lid

said he'll go pick up your trash bloody

fairies that's what you are is yeah

Dave

don't come back until you've liberated

your sexual politics or you'll get a

murder all right daddy

I'm completely liberated I work in the

theater some of my best friends our

class abandons what's more you're very

unlikely to have one because the chances

of any woman letting you within a

billion miles of her actions are

completely non-existent you're a cruel

spiteful little Viper aren't you Eddie

Christian virtue is a foreign language

kindness and good fellowship a closed

books aren't they come on let's go kill

my dad it is imperative that we are

efficient right an hour past precedent

that seems a trifle unlikely we must

leave no fingerprints did you bring the

cops yes indeedy yes things might get a

bit hot circumnavigate every tortuous

twist of the bottomless pit you choose

to call a brain what you call a coal

mine the copper the toilet properly who

knows a bottomless pit next week so is

there peace but on that peak nice people

one of them a television sets right

which do you want mr. men cheap ones

[Laughter]

to kill an elephant hey I saw Kiba Navin

my name's Angela Rippon I'm Dutch and I

live in Antwerp

people might say I'm coolin heartless

but honest you have no choice cash is

involved red tree there's a letter for

you know about now man filthy I'm

poisoning my dad I think you should read

it

Richie if you germane to the issue get

it here mm-hmm

you are a bastard look I get stop

talking about me and get on with the

letter please he is doing it's from his

mother oh dear sweet silver head mummy

you are a bastard

Santa Joshua ha ha Garrity you're old

enough to know now that I never knew

your father who was just a one-off bang

to me

the man you called dad is just my

present sex slave and I've told the

Papes for a fiver a few more I'm Jews we

never liked you and your name is not

Richie but food

I've enclosed next year's birthday cake

so I need never see you again

love mom PS piss off that's it then

we can't poison pop cause we don't know

who he is

better eat the cake I could get to like

your mom

[Music]

yes is that the wagon show yes I'd like

to speak to somebody in charge please

all right and get me anybody oh hell I'm

Terry yeah yeah

Ralph's filthy here theatrical agent who

do I represent

sorry crossed line there now listen

listen Terry I'm a big fan yes yes love

the little looks to camera yet very sexy

very come either

yeah very come here and screw me to the

wall you will wind up sauce you know I

mean II know Terry I wouldn't say it if

I didn't mean it would I

yet now Terry look I've got this book

and I was hoping to plug it on your show

yeah well well it's more of a manual

really yeah yeah yes it is quiet dirty

but it's not tacky no no way is it tacky

it's more of a sort of a social service

really yeah

going it alone I did it my way yeah it's

a sort of a single person's guide to sex

really well Gloria honey food

oh stop sighing Eddie I'm not saying

pardon me but I think you are sighing

I'm not I'm idly collecting phlegm at

the back of my throat when I've got

enough

I'm going to go bat you one blame you if

you were sighing actually the hours are

not exactly charging by at the mome no

work nothing to do wonder what Tom

O'Connor zap2it pasta say really for man

is such a sparkling multifaceted genius

but one simply cannot predict what

amazing thing you'll get up to next

as he's missing think about Tom I caught

congratulations Ritchie I had thought

that today I had plumbed the very depths

of tedium a level of Gordon beneath

which I could not sing but now Richie

riches started to burble on about Tom

O'Connor what should we do stare at the

wall or chat about Tom O'Connor well

I've got a bit of a weak heart condition

staring at the wall or probably too

exciting probably say mr. free chat

about Tom O'Connor

you know passively watching a couple of

episodes of name that tune on the big

bed

[Music]

Telly's brackets

Tomic honors propane golf now him and a

few of the guys probably only just

realized that I'm not there but I

thought you were going to ask him Bob

Monkhouse no you said you'd do it Tom Oh

bother that's the whole game ruined then

Bob Hope will chip in buff above above

above average Richie please I'm begging

it I'm threatening it if you don't shut

up I so Ram your head into the microwave

right all right all right

the subject is closed

see brucy four sides got a new series

spot the catchphrase Brucie trots out a

series of meaningless catchphrases and

the celeb panel have to guess which

one's going to annoy the general public

most could be very bigoted Richie do you

think we could possibly avoid the

subject of Brucie Forsyth as well I mean

in terms of boredom as much the same as

talking about Michael Barrymore really

is know what Eddie your ignorance really

is embarrassing we're talking about two

completely different artistic entities I

mean their catchphrases for example I

mean what's Bruce's catchphrase come on

what species of all sizes catchphrase

come on what do you think what is

anything what is it it's gonna be a big

night I turn I play cards right nice to

see you give us a twirl and yeah I'm in

charge that's right

I'm Michael Barrymore's is anything John

Cleese ever said accompanied by a couple

of rounds of where's the similarity No

neither of them are funny take the game

show thing was it on play your cards

right with Brucie there's a whole line

of cards and then you win a prize

whereas on striking lucky with Michael

there's a whole line of televisions and

venue enterprise I mean there's just no

similarity between the two concepts at

all really any I do think but when

important TV execs go to so much trouble

to provide us with such varied

scheduling the least you could do is

give him some credit

red shake if you don't shut up I'm gonna

cut your head off stuff it in the

microwave wait until he goes ping then

take it out mash it up with a better

Milken butter and ramen up your back

song

if you wish it Eddie

we saw sitting silence hey Ted Rogers

been thrown off 3 2 1 right 2 ounces

he's 180 piece a day got caught short in

the ad breakin had a wiggle in dusty

been dreadful business actually Gruber

in the business is that they want me to

take it over yeah me with Sammy Fox's

the glamorous bit of totty on the side

could be a very special team I think do

you wanna touch my body yes we do Sammy

what's more we wanna stick our heads up

your blouse and go boo

[Music]

right right that's it

no seriously this is it I'm sorry

hitting but when they do me on this is

your life and your brought on as my

lifelong companion guess what that's

right

I'm just gonna simply stare blankly and

say who the hell is he

get him off my program he stinks but all

my great showbiz mates like like mighty

cave and Gary well knock them off they

say - nothing

who the hell's our fat ugly bastard

pretending to be Richie's mate

get him out of the studio quickly yeah

and you'll be so embarrassed for you

you'll be so embarrassed you'll start to

cry no cry and we're all laugh and then

any when Andrews will stop punching you

but all my great Chevy's Mixel join in

I've done Roy castle pala hairs are all

punchy together but a millions of people

just be ugly and poor oh Allah Richie

hello Eddie

the front door was closed so I picked

the lock do you mind if I use your

toilet retreat no of course not bill me

go ahead top come on in my dears this

way

that's right yet this way mr. mr. Melton

yeah in there as promised

one room B's amazing it running water

fully furnished try boner ideal for

young families first hung 90 quid away

cash down thank you

I'm sure you'll be very happy in your

new home

filthy well you said I could use the

toilet Richard be fair on it are trying

to print it out I've just moved into the

estate agency beats try boner train

McComas over the Phil thing what happens

when we want to go within their rate

agreement Eddie you have right of

passage

nothing I am not easily embarrassed as

you know nothing is going to be jolly

difficult to maintain the social

niceties we witness so proud of my

toilet balance a 90 quid

anyway they won mine this is the 80s

there's nowhere to live people have to

go when I care

oh boy it away watch out what you do

with your rubbish I've got a couple of

students and your dustbin not married

I'm afraid but you can't expect morals

from kids these days boys boys this is

not a day for long faces and whining

this is a day of glad tidings merriment

joy happiness because Richie my dear I

have found you a job oh my god why don't

you pleased to hear it

no I'm not I remember the job you got me

last time yes so do I try Bona regular

appearances extended engagement filthy

you told me to sign on the door

seventy-five percent commission on me

unemployment benefits yes never mind

darling that's all in the past because I

have found you a real showbiz job

filthy if this is some kind of joke then

I weigh the first one on the show this

week shut up

we've had some super laughs already and

the show's only just begun filthy tell

me and tell me to have you really

honestly cross your heart nerds that I

got me a genuine genuine showbiz job yes

a big you know in norm you mr. Richard

rate just you oh yes you own Hellraiser

yes you mad drunken dog of the theater

ruff ruff you are going to read the

gossip columns on breakfast television

tomorrow morning

[Music]

the Sistine Chapel contracts habitat is

madhouse vermin Matthews couldn't say

beautiful properly and now I'm gonna

read the gossip columns on breakfast TV

just the one off Toby it's only tomorrow

morning ah which is the a brilliant I am

added I'll be reading the weather before

you can say flag ball one small prop

bear in mind that you have to be at the

studio's tomorrow at 4:30 in the I'm

telling you boys that's it

I see this is my big break 4:30 in the

morning that's right so you've got to

have a quiet night team get to bed early

and above all get up on time the

studio's on time otherwise you'll become

boy words in the business for

unprofessional behavior and never work

again

right right we've gotta get an early

night Oh sounds a bit ominous it doesn't

sound in the slightest bit ominous Eddie

now you just remember to be there

tomorrow 4:30 sober if you need me I'll

be down the off-licence until opening

time and then down the pub until closing

time and then after that at the club

Pistons

4:30 in the morning what time is it now

it's nearly opening time only 11 hours

to go oh what's on the telly right now

look we've got to be really very

sensible it is have a quiet evening and

an early night above all we've got to be

up in time to get to the studio why

don't we go out for just one quiet or

drinking Ben don't you love your friend

lager friends but one thing you can't do

up the lager frenzy is care about 4:30

in the morning we can exercise restraint

yes back in the real world

perhaps we couldn't I know what we do no

no not bad then I go far too messy

laughs no no we're never doing again I

swear

never no listen mrs. plate I Nick myself

a school kid on the bus yesterday it's a

great new game but all the most

up-to-the-minute clean centres are

playing up a moment it's fantastic and

it's called trivial pursuits

Richard trivial pursuits was fashionable

about five years ago

oh you really are a sad creature aren't

you ready if you can't think of

something first you just got to run it

down come from this plane you have to

shake the start he goes mm-hmm 506 oh no

no that's on an angle isn't it you see

sort of like an angle have you got to

blow it again six it doesn't matter who

starts I'm still gonna crush you right

come on politics Ritchie

why don't we go out for just one little

non-alcoholic drinking like what vodka

vodka frenzy is even more destructive a

lager frenzy I don't know the bombs are

lot clearer

wash out of these shapes I said make all

that much difference to you anyway you

have washed your seat since 1978

linearly pop them in the nav with a

parasite you flashed it a couple of

times now come on are we gonna play this

game ask me that question

stop looking okay yes you are

okay no you're looking in burlap shed

and then you're seeing it reflected off

my eyeballs for this of sparkling sounds

I could keep for a gag about sparkling

balls

not if you ever want to work again come

on let's play and stop cheating I'm not

cheating you're only 2 G to be you hmm

well in that case perhaps you wouldn't

mind telling your back well I read the

question all right then

great

you seem to be taking an awfully long

time to rave in my question Richie yeah

this is one of two long complicated

words every I'll be with you in a tick

oh how very very sad

Richie what have we got above our

mantelpiece Andrews a mirror and what do

I see reflected in that mirror the

pathetic sight of the man who once did

the continuity links on TBS reduced a

grubby cheating to get the better of his

half drunk mind on this great good all

your cards we northern now I think we

can start it's off now importance Richie

I shall simply take the questions from

the other end of the box now presuming I

can see nothing of interest in your

sparkling balls over perhaps you would

like to read me my question but he goes

the first question of the game god this

is easy look I mean this is a bit too

easy actually no really I'll never get

Ferris is so easy just ask me the

question alright then but it's not

really firming really really it's too

easy I mean it really is too easy really

I mean it's not fair really I mean you

better all the easy questions and I've

it over really hard questions I could

have won by now but out your questions I

don't think it's there at all really I

mean honestly it's just not fair mean

and anyway you probably know all the

answers by now because you played the

game so often those of you who have

never played Trivial Pursuit the

producer wishes me to assure you that

this is exactly what it's like and it's

actually a brilliantly well observed gag

audience very sophisticated

Richard in order to play trim you have

to be able to read which my frame caps

are line out from the staff oh look we

got a big question

who was my last labour Prime Minister of

Britain and if you don't get this you're

an idiot Callaghan James Callaghan yeah

well can you give me a little bit more

Ritchie there is no more that is the

answer yes but we have to go by what it

says on the card

don't we all right I'll give up great

market James Callaghan it says on the

kerb James Callaghan yes this James

Callaghan full stop doesn't it it's just

in the rules not my fault if you're too

stupid to get the answer rise what dad

oh no great showbiz a pink doesn't he

question class it's my go

[Music]

who was the star and director of the

rocky and Rambo films now I know this I

know this don't tell me I'm not going to

it's coming it's coming it's coming and

don't say

[Applause]

what was the question again who was a

star director of the rocky and Rambo

films got it

thar be it is it is the car must be

wrong it's so Restless in about 15

seconds I'm gonna have to punch you in

the face because I'm your minder I'm

gonna have to defend you and beat myself

up and that way we're both gonna get

hurt

why don't we avoid all this

unpleasantness and just go for one

teeny-weeny only have money drinking

we're having a lovely quiet night in

play a fantastic game of trip we've

gotta be up in time to go to the studios

we can't go friendship all right so they

all let you have your go go on I'll ask

you a question and I hope I give you a

really hard one geography right oh god

this is so easy what what is the world's

northernmost capital city rekka vakama

Iceland full stop

well suppose not to give you then why

because it's right don't gloat Eddie

it's most unbecoming I got scared so you

have to frame the board across the room

go and ask me a question got any

question just ask me it'll be great I'll

give it right bet you a million pass

just ask me by God just ask me a

question be back which jolly gap-toothed

scarce a comedian who now presents

winner-takes-all first rose to fame on

Sunday night at the London Palladium

enjoys your round of golf and his

initials are JT now I know this

I know it's I do know it I never sign oh

this got it

Jimmy take Ritchie you've just landed a

contract on TV I am we shall be out

celebrating not getting bored to death

Anthony we've got to be up early so

we're bright and fresh for the studio

[Applause]

hey everybody it's Richie

[Music]

fantastic amass prepare this clavinets

on the White House really so we're just

a one little drinking here

and they will go straight in today

I must say more clubs invented that I

this is the best yeah but yeah pretty

stupid yeah I mean we are in Liverpool

now

stupid yeah there's an element missing

to this evening which no true man should

be without and it for you Eddie I would

not advise anyone to follow mazes my

bottom resembles nothing more or less

than a winter

what's this alibi but no too much to be

without me well we've had a few drinks

good time

what's your minds Harrington

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

loosen my trousers would you all girl oh

my god yeah do it cuz you're embarrassed

[Music]

anyway you have to do it anyway because

I said but you have to do it and you

have to do what I say are you because

you're pathetic nobody and I'm a great

fantastic person that's all your life's

all about isn't it you zero Richard have

I ever told you the story about The

Tortoise and the hare is it a dirty one

now that's the story about The Tortoise

in the donkey tell me that one men now

as once this really kinky tought

seriously into ominous Marks and

Spencers dunk dunk a yes I think it was

a really conscientious worker but really

the tall twas coming in early to try on

all that bras and

[Music]

I think I'll better tell the story about

The Tortoise and the hare

well you mean you ever got a punchline

yeah that's okay catch him Yeah right

well there was one sisters in this hare

and the tortoise was really slow and

slothful and cold Richie Rich have you

got it so far look to the mote invader

who now is my answer to this or rather

look to the four billion eight

gallons of log or a couple of creaky old

copies of my fairy boy note I look

richer when I'm talking about me we're

talking about you and of course always

kid go get a wisecracking gangster

called Bobby

Davros me and tabs in a showbiz race

visit fantastic Davros got a better

challenge and the top got run over by a

bus cuz here are telling the scumbag

that's why you and that's the way you

feel is it yeah in which case it seems

rather strange to me that they've asked

me to go on breakfast TV in the morning

but reminds me what time is it it's 4:15

right what's happened we gotta be there

4:30 right where are we

Southampton all right we better be quick

man we've just got time for one more

drink right double yeah

mr. filthy there's only ten minutes left

I really unbecoming very worried yes I

know my love I am trying to trace them I

am considering every possibility

hello Battersea Dogs Home

did you pick up a couple of large dogs

last night one wearing the Ponte suit

and the other with a copy of elfin

efficiency in his back pocket oh right

well sod you I'm running out of time the

pink goddess has had a heart attack

she's been trying put this as politely

as I can shut your face you silly old

calf beans hello yes senior service club

yes I can hold

hello yes do me a favor would you look

out the window and see if there's a

couple of revolting offenses to humanity

wiggling their backsides and saying will

do anything for half of love there isn't

right well sod you that's the end my

dear I have tried every conceivable

possibility however as I said I do

happen to have this manual which I was

hoping I could give a plaque on your

show I've told you before tvam is a

family program and we do not broadcast

smut

what should I let me down and you don't

really lose all my faith in human mates

really distressed which I've thought was

the one way of guaranteeing you wouldn't

be filthy I don't know what you're

talking about it I'm too drunk to care

this is where I begin my success story

from this small beginning us troubies

empire will be built I hope you're proud

of yourself your plan to bring smut to

tvam has failed we remain a good clean

family program you really are a sweet

and innocent as you look on the 1000

good morning if you've just joined us

time for a look at this morning's

newspapers now and here's our guest

reviewer mr. Richard rich here's last

night's gossip in the newspapers let's

start with John fake of a daily bastard

shall we

this looks good embarrassing incident

with bare-bottom in local eatery

pathetic and forgotten has been Richie

Rich showed just how low he I for his

helmet was the toilet claim there has

been as a policeman mr. Richard rich

this couple wants a statement right oh

coppers are bastards exactly what you

did for heaven's sake we're still live

we're on air oh yeah we just saw miss

out you're amongst professionals now

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

order order order the defendants will

please give order all right my teapot

I'll have a pint of lager and a small

sweet sherry here I throw

myself on the mercy of the court

I am only 14 years old your ward bring

me up as your own and in time we shall

learn to love each other I have been

cruelly used and I'm an emaciated way

that's right your honor

a 14 stone spear Leon I am with child

silence I say again silence in my

courtroom Richard rich and Edward

catflap you stand accused of a sickening

and degraded crime a crime that strikes

at the very heart and mocks all that we

hold ecent and clean you expose your

bottoms on TV a.m. and what is worse in

front of Van Damme we plead like this

Your Majesty please please please I'll

be your best friend don't you stay for

life we meant no harm we bow down would

appreciate a bit of a peek of the old

tradesmen's entrance is how you do

yourself no good service with the

spineless grumbling desist I say or it

may be the worst for you the script

advice block pass from appreciating your

phone display miss Sun and domed has

stressed the to such rattled and acne

written old orifices have simply been

put before a second public and visited

the severity of the sentence mirror are

the ugliness of the flaps the absence of

any defense I therefore sentence you to

be shot

Your Honor I wish to speak on behalf of

the defendant

oh well that's it then isn't it goodbye

cruel world first sentence the case is

closed

Obie darling sweetheart please don't

shout I have a delicate medical

condition known as a hangover I contend

that vital evidence was not put before

the jewelry and that Henderson there

should be a retrial and the burden of

the Crown's case the date that stood

solely upon the alleged horrifying

nature of my clients garden gates split

second of tvam video tape is not

sufficient evidence to so damningly

brand a man's we are Lauder and heinous

I further contend that it is my clients

right

that's the jury should view the evidence

that will find gainful employment

outside of show business in which were

clearly a minused clean-living TV

presenters like Miss and Donna

case dismissed

I find you guilty of encouraging

indecent exposure with intent to cause a

public affair and another new Criminal

Evidence

anti-terrorists the police can do what

they bloody well well you probably won't

be coming down to pop them Phil see ya

mate poor old filthy gonna get hang just

for getting us off yeah

stay aware all right it's a sudden yeah

my - Eddie are we all right the judge

says we've got to get gainful long show

B's employment otherwise it's back in

the jug for us mm-hmm what about

stealing of course good idea yeah a

romantic isn't it yes oh I can see me

now I am the unblemished soul caste and

Manx criminals having to steal to stay

alive like Oliver Twist

I should've beaten Oliver you know I

went to the auditions you know I said

sod off ugly anyway Ollie twister didn't

do so badly through his life of crime

now thank you very much

no siree Bob II certainly did not after

a brief spell of pickpocketing I reached

kindly old gentlemen discovered that he

was the illegitimate child of his dead

daughter and really a member of the

middle class so he saved him hey Eddie

maybe the same thing will happen to us

the chances are sort of vaguely against

him really I think the bog why doctor

mr. Brownlow was saying his graph Bert

Convy boys no you not these two little

urchins Eddie and Richie study on the

portrait of my dead daughter

surely your vaccines that they faces of

just like Fanny's

so now only started in for work so what

we must do is throw ourselves on the

mercy of the state Ricky the state has

no mercy they enjoy watching people

starve to death

it's called monetarism oh yes let's cut

straight to the pickpocketing of course

yes

that's it I've been entirely miss

casting myself for art wall Dodger

that's the part for me wandering around

the town whipping fine silk hankies out

the pockets of faults and bows as they

parade about a play

let's practice you try and get my wallet

out of my back pocket without me

noticing all right skip don't be too

difficult by bus last week and didn't

notice again my mind you would do with

the bus on your head could we please

just get on with the play who knows

who's watching mrs. hatch is probably

watching

[Laughter]

anyone feedbacks well of course not is

nailed to my bottom temple these days

there's a lot of pickpockets about our

business like tickets will never get

gainful deployment this way but we don't

pretentious and his doctor breathe I

don't review I'll phone filthy he's my

agent it's his Miss bolts a bill to get

us work he's impressive death buddy

watch it with man filthy girl ill prison

does not agree with me this morning or

coughed so hard or blew my kidney stop

whinging your Salvas little toady me and

Eddie are in deep trouble of what you

did

just as you got us off the judge said

we've got to get some gainful employment

you want me to help you we are my agent

I'm also under sentence of death if you

do one small thing filthy anything I

want you to get me a short piece of

one-inch steel piping what for if I told

you that I'll ruin the plot would know I

take well there's not a lot of area

Donna call this meeting the stream of

Bottineau gags our plot with you

in the end just come and get the piping

machi dokey there's a bit of a gag to

line the tone what's the similarity

between this toilet bowl and your head

I've even known or care with that

cynical recourses lavatory there you are

filthy

there's the pipe now Jord ends do

something for us you've got to suggest a

job rah well the daughters I've been

thinking and it strikes me that today

your career can be summed up in two

words Oh star-spangled complete disaster

what are your qualities and talents

right blast that out of the way was

better next this is no time to mince

with words a day we must be honest

Ritchie is a lying cheating vicious

right-wing bastard with the sexual

sophistication of a mentally

donkey which means you are ideally

suited to be yes we do belong obviously

set fire to a hospital is go insane

dingo what a big australian publisher

introduction here is the point

Oh cross yes I remember say one of the

tits like dingo Walker billionaire an

ordinary blood could die a greasy rich

mega slab resting for tax purposes an

amazing vote today

Edward catflap extraordinary fart

impressionist g'day g'day

you certainly come with excellent

credential letter of introduction from

mrs. Thatcher and Jimmy Tarbuck fatto

and tarp oh bloody great mates forged of

course then you wanna be 0 so there's

nothing wrong with that in fact I was

impressed by the audacity of its take a

seat I mean you never ask take the

weight off me plates put my butt on a

spot save my bunions I thought you said

unions good insight unions - you slimy

little English commie might be indeed

maybe unions we hate unions are you

saved England by destroying them

how clever you were to move your

premises to whopping so it under factors

new union laws you could sack everyone

after many years service and when they

gathered outside your gates to protest

the very impending starvation how lucky

we taxpayers were to be able to pay for

thousands of police to keep them away

from your huge stash of cash which they

don't for you in the first place get on

with it Ritchie the bar closes in an

hour it's real to see how much you

support my anti-communist actions you're

hired

ridiculous Simon's straight away from

the editor he's in the copy room I know

where he is because I'll keep him on the

end of this bit of Street that way I can

be sure yes full editorial freedom from

me he's publisher

this story of yours about the chance of

the exchange you'll work the bird into

it some way come on you can do cure a

journal for God's sake take some pride

in your work

who is this Chancellor first start well

he's a he's a government minister mr.

Walker ah hey hey no that means he's not

somebody recently right

find out who offered till hundred quid

and get her to do as a topless if she

won't have a house robbed piece of photo

albums and fond MEAC it's out sunbathing

shot I don't think mrs. Lawson has ever

been granny I doubt it

Tom do I have to tell people I'm not

interested in women over 25 unless

they're lovable grannies now don't argue

with me about this or see our whole

budget coverage as a 60-story maybe even

7/7 its profile shot very tasteful I

bought at least two new cub reporter

that's us trevean yes URI luck you've

got something beats trade off woman bill

right yeah she's worried about all these

pop stars doing loads of charity work oh

well I've been give me a charity bill

shut up piffle screeching James Larson

wants our wits gonna be only half-decent

rockers I know the Wombles can certainly

kick ass shut your beer suckers and

listen Bob Geldof and Midge e'er alerted

people to the starving millions right

you know the PM he's worried that

somebody's gonna click that the

starvation is actually caused by the

rich countries screwing everything they

can get out of the third will so we are

gonna smear Sir Bob Oh Sam sourceip what

are we get a smear in way

brains we're gonna get this do gooder

now this is what I want you to do

we're getting reports at Bob Geldof now

mature what we're getting reports that

mids you know look yeah what are you

talking about it they couldn't get Bob

Geldof for the show we had to settle for

major straight we have booked a man for

my show called meat

he's always you'll get for a bottle of

woodpecker in a snog with a stage

doorman oh for God's sake get on with it

the old ham service and us Peter broke

it up and so next year get on with it

report this mid-year he's a Soviet agent

and is having an affair with mrs.

Thatcher I want the peaks I want the

storage you see where do we get the info

undercover investigation Squealer in the

Ultravox entourage be a we made it

up that's why we now we can be sure of

all the fish and hi let's be careful out

there

right this is the plan I'll keep him

talking

you sneak inside blunt facts in his bed

spread the rice and stuff around a bit

and get the pics right while we're at it

why don't we go the whole way and bung

in a don't torn under eyes chicken

awesome please keep the disease

Flushing's of your leprous mind to

yourself

we are British Journal daughter we have

some moral code now shut up and let's

get on with framing Mitch is it I'll

deal with the back the fest hey maybe

it'll be a made media's after all a

feminist so he's bound to be an equal

opportunities employer hey maybe we'll

be on for a bit of sex

hello my dear goodness but you're

attractive

[Applause]

all right all right so it's mix your

don't you behave like a bunch of

mindless sycophants rekkles to a bunch

of screaming Nicorette is your behavior

jeez God jokes I can't get on

blankety-blank

let's start again tell me I'm a police

officer

here's my cap this is a library ticket

oh yes officer what can I do for you I

have reasonably but you've been holding

all night sex parties in bat bus self

damn road ridiculous are hauled Normie

six parties at Gil das please ask you to

be accompany me daba Road

you're making a big mistake officer but

you didn't agree to do this the first

place now the next day and Mario is a

historic day for British justice the

first execution under the new Police Act

a government spokesman said they're

bringing back hanging was a return to

traditional values there are plans to

the landlord of big uns illegal drinking

joint of people bar is ch ending or left

an unfinished drink in the snug the

other day pop it over be a no be a

moving final appeal I've missed out

filthy last December with a meat cleaver

mr. point-blank range with my mum's air

pistol missed him

it just goes to show if you want a job

doing properly it's best not to drink 16

pints of lager before picture boots she

wouldn't give me the photos anticipator

I probably should mention my next

program but you wouldn't budge so I

punched her and victim I must say I'm

enjoying the moral laxity that

accompanies being a journey yeah one of

the pics like any good no I haven't

looked yet I hope they really did y'all

to do with a bit of a look at something

dirty are really good well you're

welcome to look at my duvet example it

ain't the dog last week maybe these

French is a brilliant perfect sex pics

of mrs. Thatcher in midge ures bed this

is brilliant we're on our way to our

first front page let's go check bill the

editor he'll be so proud

hang on I've just had a thought well

maybe we should make a cake 30 years on

from his mother's womb and any cap hats

had his first thought sweet rubber

summer moment isn't there Richie

what I think there's something rather

unpleasant on the trouser area what my

head fantastic be sexy maybe we

shouldn't take them to the papers maybe

we should take them to Mitch himself I

wish I think he paid for them okay are

you suggesting but we blackmail the

world's greatest rock star huh no I'm

suggesting we blackmail needs you we're

not beliefs officers who needs you poor

dupe

we're jet out God the scum

bear in mind that we've got the negative

yes right yeah no we've got four

negative is a highly secret place no

sabe let me paint a little picture for

you mr. Mitch imagine a record store

where your new album and you box has

just come out I also play a mother lady

my daughter Cynthia actually Oh mummy

look at the lovely new album by Ultravox

can i buy it

he's so handsome and talented even

though he sings like he's gonna whip it

out his trousers no you may not buy it

Cynthia Mitch do is a filthy pervy I

read it in for daily bastard

not the very pretty picture is it of

course for 200 thousand billion pounds

yes and the royalties from your

fantastic single shut up your face these

a matter what you ever did yes I hope

you give us all that then these pics

we've never seen by light of day well

okay shame what well you know the

business rich you're a pro you know the

things less don't harm stars like you

and I anymore it's like a bit the

scandals actually quite good for the

career and I've not much publicity

recently so uh great go for it published

but yes I think I understand caught this

mr. Majer Pharisee demoted on our first

day look at this now reduced to covering

a common habit

what's more it's only filthy I wouldn't

mind it if somebody interesting the

condemned man ate a hearty breakfast

consisting of 40 and a bottle of

scotch intimately we were unable to

comply with his last request due to

objections from the RSPCA they do good

as that I do now

then whatever done before well that's

gonna be very hard for you then

colleagues is everything else that's

been crap hey did you know that it's a

scientific fact that when you get home

guess I didn't like that nd actually

ironic really

first one event in 15 years and I won't

be here to enjoy actually when was very

very very very sad

- no sense in moping is there no I mean

after all as I'll prepare to die I have

only one regret which is I wish I wasn't

being executed it is time right Presley

room in the skies movies

[Applause]

[Music]

you're alive

course I am Richie I've got to be in the

next series ever nine when you can

really force your wages up but now I've

got some bloody great lines this week

have a night you're alive and but how

come on get on with this I want to come

baby got to me innit piping you gave me

Eddie

it's an old Newgate trick you stuff it

down your throat

and stop your windpipe collapsing the

pipe is still in the prison cell is it

in that case it must have been this

safety harness that saved me

God what a rotten day well let's go home

and think about it then shall we

you nothing good at come on join the

scam yeah it's easy to say something

clever isn't it he said it isn't really

for you is it cuz you're so thick shut

up Bob join a fake there it strikes me

that what we should do is take a leaf

out of midges book and do what he does

what wonder about with designer stubble

wiggling our BOTS like we just sat on a

magic mix room whatever chance we ever

had have been bought a drink in the bar

by him out of a show he's got put some

money you know look look stop it boys

shut up shut up

all I'm saying is that if someone is

experienced in the business as

says that all publicity is good

publicity then what we should do is

write about Richie of course get paid to

promote my own career and what are we

gonna write about your fascinating

lifestyle drunk has been goes to the pub

failure

Crixus next ugly girls bottom well it's

better than you isn't it your bottom

eyes blabber mounting farts occasionally

girls trying to be scandalous

well lots of what I do is very

fascinating indeed

I'm solver Jennifer I will be very

interested to read about my have a jazz

exploits right Richard you tell him yeah

like what

which is what we found right out of

aspirin and I'm getting very fond of

knife right I can just see the headlines

now Richie Rich pinches a four ounce

cheeseburger I spent all my cash on

night nurse welder has been 20 listen

which was no one look no can you boys

have forgotten so soon the first rule of

journalism no spice in with it sex

linked nightclubs I've got it Richie has

some sex and a drink in a nightcap what

about Richie has sex with a night whilst

drunk in a club good mix he gets put in

the club by a drunk during the night

what you need is innuendo of course and

I am the king of innuendo what about

Richie grasps his whopper in a club

lure his drink I mean madam fabulous its

guardian jealous of the year but you

might not

second thoughts about this whole all

publicity being good luck

I mean operating in the business a long

time I can remember when Andrew Gordon I

blew off on news at 10:00

oh good evening this is the news tense

moment the nation held its breath

so did an AFOL Don Todd nice story

filthy is it relevant

of course it's realm Richard darling

couldn't breathe Rena as journalist you

are in a unique position to destroy

careers and if you destroyed enough of

them then only be left exactly building

are you suggesting that we

systematically smear everyone in British

show business until there's only Richie

rates left and then the BBC won't have

to give him a jump well why the hell not

might is that a lucky break as much as

anyone

well as you know boys I'll really get

excited but right now I feel like I've

been locked in and off-licence

this must be the most comprehensive

piece of libel in the history of

journalism

every single person in show business

individually slandered with you totally

exonerated we can't have brain such a

catalog of lies half-truths and

self-congratulation since since Ian

McGregor's accounted a minor stroke so

we got everybody

[Applause]

Adolphe it was lover rumored to be a

strange Hill kids yes the children of

Jimmy Savile and Nana Mouskouri

lifting from EastEnders well you know

why they call him love tape is

incredible isn't it

we must have the whole of show business

there from the very bottom Roland rat

Benny Hill the Biebs thought Ronny bad

idea he's got my governor Benny a

hundred and fifty years in the bed still

telling the same joke I've seen the

original seaside postcard he got it

offer a national treasure right come on

we got my dough let's go so mr. Walker

[Music]

absolute dynamite we're gonna blow every

other paper off the street so you are

going to publish they publish we

certainly are we're gonna publish

nothing else says massive new

legislation on the economy on industrial

license on the NHS but we're gonna

forget all that because this is a

newspaper and nothing gets in the way of

showbiz gossip printed this lot I don't

know who the TV company is it gonna use

we'll be on our way then shall we mr.

Wow yeah yeah hey I suppose there is

some microscopic evidence for all these

allegations I mean we only need the

tiniest crumb but we gotta have

something yes mr. Macha it's all

completely and utterly true I just want

it noted on but it was Edward didgeridoo

catflap who said we have a proof right

how do you spell tits never works a lot

norman guys who tell you on which

channel it doesn't matter which channel

is on all of them

at 7:35 top of the riches candidate

o'clock there's Boyd on Ritchie a

fascinating insight into the natural

evolution of

[Music]

[Laughter]

[Music]

but I'm the nicest of all theater

[Music]

[Applause]

so drive take the and the baseball

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

rubbish I'm gonna vomit no kids look out

the mom kids

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

made it

[Applause]

you