Original subtitles

>>> I know.

You know it.

Even the guy with the bad

Haircut knows it.

America is the best country in

The entire universe.

[ applause ]

>> yeah.

>> what the hell are you all

Doing?

>> it's a game I created called

State of the union.

Okay?

I play barack o'biden and I stay

Stuff.

If they like it, they stand up

And they clap.

If they don't like it they sit

There and have total bitch face.

So it goes like this, I barack o

Biden says

From now on there will be free

Jalapeno poppers.

[ cheers and applause ]

>> let me try, from now on

Reruns of "Whitney."

Okay.

>> what it s it?

What are you doing?

>> a citizenship test.

[ cheers and applause ]

>> we are helping with the

Citizenship test, you idiot.

Don't worry, that is my last

Poster.

>> I am so proud of you.

Are you ready to be an american?

>> I don't know, you tell me?

>> yo, what's up, bro, you want

To drive to the mall in a pickup

Truck, bro?

Nachos, hotdogs, trucks.

>> some of these questions are

Tough.

>> that is tough, a coffee shop.

>> I'll be fine as long as I

Have my lucky sweatshirt, my

Grandma knitted it for me.

>> does your grandma hate you?

>> I had that bitch buried in

It.

**

* second grade called upon to

Employ your testosterone *

* in a battle for supremacy and

Access to females glued to the

Tv *

* and even if you are victorious

You may receive many cuts

Bruises, and scrapes *

* and you will require band aids

And antiseptic appointments, and

Tender love and kisses on your

Stab wounds *

* and when you come home she

Will be there *

* waiting for you with a fire in

Her eyes *

* and a big fat cannoli to shove

In your mouth and that's why you

Thank god for girls *

Halle jesu christe from

Tennessee to l.A. *

* thank god for girls on your

Reckoning day *

* you better bow down and pray

* she's so big she's so strong

She's so energetic in her sweaty

Overalls *

* thank god for girls, thank god

For girls *

* thank god for girls

* thank god for girls

[ cheers and applause ]

>> happy birthday!

>> does somebody like balloons?

Oh!

>> well, it wouldn't be a

Detroit birthday party without a

Stabbing.

>> I'm not doing my birthday

This year.

Okay.

No party, no cake, no presents.

>> but you love your birthday.

Every year we get you a big

Cake, and watch you eat one bite

Every ten minutes.

And then -- every time you walk

Over you say, this is my last

Bite.

Honestly, I'm trying to sober up

So it's not my fault.

>> until the last time you when

You come over and you go, who

Ate my damn cake?

You know it was you!

>> I know.

I don't know why I'm so bummed.

>> come on.

What did mom do this time?

>> she sent me a stupid card

Saying how sad it must be that

I'm 37 and I don't have kids

Yet.

>> that doesn't sound that bad.

>> she started the card by

Saying, something about dear

Leslie and my grand kitties.

What are you doing?

>> I'm torturing mom by texting

Her and telling her that you

Have an even shorter haircut

Than you got the first time, and

Then we're going to wait till

She calls crying.

[ phone rings ]

Hey it's for you.

>> thank you.

Hi, mom, yeah, it's a flattop

And my new girlfriend love it's.

>> all right.

My opportunity.

If I can get leslie the perfect

Gift, we've been in limbo for so

Long and I could get her out of

This funk I figure that's a good

Opportunity for a first date.

>> that's way better than your

Other plan.

Go ahead, tell them.

>> it's nothing crazy.

She gets in an accident, she's

In a coma for years.

You guys give up on her, but

Not me, I'm there night after

Night and I'm holding her hand

Until she wakes up and she's

Scared and confused and I'm

There.

And I lean in and I whisper, I'm

Your husband.

>> okay, I guess you all hope

That you know leslie gets hit by

A bus, but, in case she doesn't,

What is that perfect birthday

Gift?

>> danny, help me out.

You're my best bud, you know

What she'd want for her

Birthday.

>> oh, you're 0 for 2 on that

Sentence.

But dude I'm not getting

Involved in my sister's sex

Life, okay?

>> look if you want to get

Leslie a present maybe you just

Get her a gift that you make

Yourself like for instance, me,

This morning I wrote a song for

Justin.

>> let me hear it.

* justin, dear, you're so sweet

Except in bed with those cold

Feet *

* I also don't love when you're

On the phone *

* and you call to me in that

Chipper tone *

* hay mom, come talk to my mom

For a second, and I'm in the

Bathroom, I don't know why you

Keep setting me up like this, it

Makes me feel really really

Awkward *

>> will you play that for my

Mom?

She has been on the phone the

Whole time.

>> hold me.

>> hey, justin, brett's got

Something he wants to hug you

About.

What's wrong with him?

>> brett lost his good-luck

Sweater.

>> yeah, we've been making

Posters.

>> how's this one?

>> shelly, that's just a picture

Of a girl with a big butt.

>> you said draw what we're

Looking for.

>> a sweater, huh?

Huh.

Is there any forensic evidence?

>> what?

>> danny's been watching reruns

Of "Csi: miami" and now he's

Obsessed with david caruso.

>> sweaters are supposed to keep

You warm.

But this case is ice cold.

>> look, I know it sounds -- I

Know it sounds stupid, but I

Feel like that sweater can get

Me through anything.

And my citizenship test is

Tomorrow.

It means a lot to me.

I have always felt like an

Outsider and if I finally pass

That test I will feel like I

Belong somewhere.

You know what?

We're going to get you that

Sweater back.

>> yeah, where's the last place

You remember seeing it?

>> okay.

The only place I went was the

Gym.

>> oh.

But didn't you celebrate your

Workout at the pizza place?

>> hush now, candace.

I guess we should check there

Anyway, just in case.

>> this may be the only pizza

Place in town where the crust is

Stuffed with sweaters.

>> that doesn't even make

Sense --

Go time.

>> please help me figure out

What the perfect birthday gift

Is for leslie.

Yeah.

>> oh, my -- trust the master.

>> what's up girl?

It's your birthday day day day

Day day day yo!

Okay.

Snappy.

So if you're interested in a

Present --

>> no presents.

>> well, if it makes you feel

Better, I know what I want for

My birthday -- to be right here.

**

**

[ cheers and applause ]

>> please tip.

My name is relentless.

Excuse me.

Mr. Lentless, listen, turns out

That you found my buddy's

Sweater, so he needs it back so

He can be an american.

>> no, dude, I'm not doing that.

>> okay.

Well, brett, we tried, looks

Like you're going back to

Britain.

>> obviously you're a great

Dancer.

I love the crew, the shoulders,

I have been working out mine, I

Don't want to today my own horn

Here, but beep beep.

But I have a few moves of my

Own.

>> do you think you can help us

Out, one dancer to another?

>> sorry, dude.

Finders keepers.

>> according to the ancient laws

Of battle that does make us

Losers weepers.

>> you know what dude?

All right, look.

We charge you with a dance

Contest.

If we win, we get the sweater,

If you win, you have to give it

Back, and justin will give you

$100.

>> what are you insane?

>> yeah.

Let's go google dancing.

>>> where's your crew?

>> hey, what's up?

My crew is actually stretching

To avoid injury.

Duh!

Hey, guys, come on out.

Game time.

Say hello to danny's boys.

>> actually, we have girls on

The crew so I say we call

Ourself justin's boys and girls.

>> all we need now is a fair and

Impartial judge to help with our

Dance battle.

Oh, excuse me, stranger.

>> yes, my son?

I was just busy writing a sermon

About fairness and honesty.

>> would you be able to take

Time out of your busy day to

Judge our dance battle.

>> let me pray on it.

Boss says it's okay!

>> all right.

God as our witness literally,

Let's do this.

**

**

**

Yeah

B-word.

>> do I have to do anything

Else?

>> no, no, no.

You won.

**

>> I mean, none of us sprained

Anything.

What do you think?

How was our dancing?

>> if I had to put it on a scale

From one to ten, I would say you

Guys were very, very white.

>> brett, what are you doing,

You have like 20 minutes.

>> donald trump will be

President and he will throw me

Right over his giant wall right

Into mexico.

>> hey, dude, forget the

Sweater, you have been studying

Forever, you'll be fine.

>> remember when you told me

Once if a really handsome guy,

With awesome hair caressed your

Face, you could do anything?

I'm here to tell you you can --

>> I'm not that easily

Manipulated, all right?

>> but I am right.

I can do this on my own, you

Were right, danny.

"Murica"!

>> unfortunately for you, a

Penny saved is a penny burned.

>> cool, man.

I have to say, I know that you

And I are not the closest of

Friends, and that is fine, but I

Thought if I ever needed you

Were something that mattered,

You could come through.

By gum, I guess I was wrong.

>> what is wrong?

>> you idiot.

Maybe he is pissed because he

Helped you form a dance crew and

He just wants a little help get

A gift for your sister.

>> I didn't do anything wrong,

Right?

>> right.

No!

>> candace, please tell him what

I said last night.

>> it's total normal for a grown

Man to cry at the end of "Joy."

>> no, the other thing, what's

The other thing I said last

Night.

It's total normal for a grown

Man to cry at the beginning of

The movie "Joy."

>> I don't know what you're

Talking about then.

>> not in front of friends.

Look, who knows, maybe burski is

The best thing to happen to

Leslie and you won't even give

It a chance.

>> oh, yeah.

>> just think about it.

>> you don't deserve to be part

Of this dance crew.

Your uniform, sir.

>>> I'm going to make an

Introduction of my new american

Friend, brett!

>> cool, what are you going to

Do first?

Get diabetes or buy a gun?

>> I know, I'm so excited.

It's corny, but this truly is a

Great country.

>> it truly is, even when we

Don't nominate a single black

Person for an oscar.

>> hey, congrats, man.

I hope you're not the only

Success story because I finally

Figured out what to get leslie

For her birthday.

>> a cashmere scarf, if feels so

Expensive.

Look at me, I'm a rich person.

Cocktails, caviar, health

Insurance.

>> that is a great gift, well

Done, she'll love it.

>> leslie will hate that gift.

>> look, leslie's ex-husband

Used to get her really expensive

When he messed up.

Any time she gets an expensive

Gift, she is reminded of that

Time of her life.

If you really want to get in

Good with my sister, then give

Her this candy necklace.

>> I'm supposed to believe this

Is good -- guess you have to

Decide whether or not you

Believe I'm your friend.

>> hey, leslie, I noticed you

Have been a little blue, and I

Got you a birthday gift.

I hope you like it.

>> you got me a candy necklace?

I love it.

When I was a kid, and I got

Bummed, I used to bike down to

The market street and buy one of

These, who can stay bummed out

When you can eat what you're

Wearing.

Thank you.

Hey, want to take me out for a

Belated birthday dinner?

>> yeah, we have to stop

Somewhere first so I can pawn

Off a cashmere scarf, first -- I

Guess technically this is our

First date?

>> sure, why not.

>> listen, don't make a big deal

Out of this, okay?

* oh say can you see --

>> god bless danny, god bless

The united states of america.

And if this show gets picked up

For another season, then god

Bless nbc.

**