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>>> I know.
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You know it.
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Even the guy with the bad
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Haircut knows it.
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America is the best country in
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The entire universe.
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[ applause ]
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>> yeah.
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>> what the hell are you all
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Doing?
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>> it's a game I created called
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State of the union.
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Okay?
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I play barack o'biden and I stay
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Stuff.
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If they like it, they stand up
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And they clap.
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If they don't like it they sit
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There and have total bitch face.
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So it goes like this, I barack o
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Biden says
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From now on there will be free
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Jalapeno poppers.
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[ cheers and applause ]
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>> let me try, from now on
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Reruns of "Whitney."
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Okay.
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>> what it s it?
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What are you doing?
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>> a citizenship test.
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[ cheers and applause ]
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>> we are helping with the
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Citizenship test, you idiot.
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Don't worry, that is my last
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Poster.
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>> I am so proud of you.
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Are you ready to be an american?
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>> I don't know, you tell me?
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>> yo, what's up, bro, you want
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To drive to the mall in a pickup
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Truck, bro?
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Nachos, hotdogs, trucks.
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>> some of these questions are
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Tough.
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>> that is tough, a coffee shop.
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>> I'll be fine as long as I
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Have my lucky sweatshirt, my
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Grandma knitted it for me.
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>> does your grandma hate you?
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>> I had that bitch buried in
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It.
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**
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* second grade called upon to
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Employ your testosterone *
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* in a battle for supremacy and
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Access to females glued to the
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Tv *
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* and even if you are victorious
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You may receive many cuts
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Bruises, and scrapes *
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* and you will require band aids
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And antiseptic appointments, and
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Tender love and kisses on your
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Stab wounds *
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* and when you come home she
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Will be there *
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* waiting for you with a fire in
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Her eyes *
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* and a big fat cannoli to shove
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In your mouth and that's why you
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Thank god for girls *
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Halle jesu christe from
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Tennessee to l.A. *
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* thank god for girls on your
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Reckoning day *
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* you better bow down and pray
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* she's so big she's so strong
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She's so energetic in her sweaty
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Overalls *
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* thank god for girls, thank god
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For girls *
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* thank god for girls
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* thank god for girls
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[ cheers and applause ]
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>> happy birthday!
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>> does somebody like balloons?
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Oh!
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>> well, it wouldn't be a
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Detroit birthday party without a
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Stabbing.
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>> I'm not doing my birthday
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This year.
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Okay.
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No party, no cake, no presents.
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>> but you love your birthday.
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Every year we get you a big
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Cake, and watch you eat one bite
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Every ten minutes.
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And then -- every time you walk
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Over you say, this is my last
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Bite.
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Honestly, I'm trying to sober up
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So it's not my fault.
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>> until the last time you when
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You come over and you go, who
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Ate my damn cake?
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You know it was you!
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>> I know.
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I don't know why I'm so bummed.
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>> come on.
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What did mom do this time?
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>> she sent me a stupid card
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Saying how sad it must be that
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I'm 37 and I don't have kids
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Yet.
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>> that doesn't sound that bad.
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>> she started the card by
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Saying, something about dear
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Leslie and my grand kitties.
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What are you doing?
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>> I'm torturing mom by texting
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Her and telling her that you
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Have an even shorter haircut
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Than you got the first time, and
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Then we're going to wait till
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She calls crying.
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[ phone rings ]
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Hey it's for you.
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>> thank you.
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Hi, mom, yeah, it's a flattop
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And my new girlfriend love it's.
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>> all right.
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My opportunity.
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If I can get leslie the perfect
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Gift, we've been in limbo for so
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Long and I could get her out of
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This funk I figure that's a good
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Opportunity for a first date.
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>> that's way better than your
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Other plan.
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Go ahead, tell them.
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>> it's nothing crazy.
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She gets in an accident, she's
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In a coma for years.
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You guys give up on her, but
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Not me, I'm there night after
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Night and I'm holding her hand
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Until she wakes up and she's
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Scared and confused and I'm
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There.
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And I lean in and I whisper, I'm
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Your husband.
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>> okay, I guess you all hope
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That you know leslie gets hit by
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A bus, but, in case she doesn't,
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What is that perfect birthday
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Gift?
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>> danny, help me out.
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You're my best bud, you know
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What she'd want for her
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Birthday.
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>> oh, you're 0 for 2 on that
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Sentence.
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But dude I'm not getting
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Involved in my sister's sex
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Life, okay?
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>> look if you want to get
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Leslie a present maybe you just
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Get her a gift that you make
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Yourself like for instance, me,
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This morning I wrote a song for
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Justin.
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>> let me hear it.
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* justin, dear, you're so sweet
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Except in bed with those cold
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Feet *
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* I also don't love when you're
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On the phone *
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* and you call to me in that
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Chipper tone *
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* hay mom, come talk to my mom
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For a second, and I'm in the
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Bathroom, I don't know why you
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Keep setting me up like this, it
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Makes me feel really really
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Awkward *
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>> will you play that for my
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Mom?
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She has been on the phone the
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Whole time.
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>> hold me.
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>> hey, justin, brett's got
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Something he wants to hug you
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About.
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What's wrong with him?
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>> brett lost his good-luck
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Sweater.
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>> yeah, we've been making
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Posters.
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>> how's this one?
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>> shelly, that's just a picture
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Of a girl with a big butt.
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>> you said draw what we're
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Looking for.
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>> a sweater, huh?
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Huh.
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Is there any forensic evidence?
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>> what?
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>> danny's been watching reruns
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Of "Csi: miami" and now he's
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Obsessed with david caruso.
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>> sweaters are supposed to keep
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You warm.
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But this case is ice cold.
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>> look, I know it sounds -- I
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Know it sounds stupid, but I
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Feel like that sweater can get
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Me through anything.
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And my citizenship test is
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Tomorrow.
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It means a lot to me.
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I have always felt like an
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Outsider and if I finally pass
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That test I will feel like I
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Belong somewhere.
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You know what?
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We're going to get you that
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Sweater back.
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>> yeah, where's the last place
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You remember seeing it?
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>> okay.
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The only place I went was the
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Gym.
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>> oh.
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But didn't you celebrate your
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Workout at the pizza place?
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>> hush now, candace.
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I guess we should check there
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Anyway, just in case.
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>> this may be the only pizza
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Place in town where the crust is
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Stuffed with sweaters.
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>> that doesn't even make
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Sense --
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Go time.
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>> please help me figure out
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What the perfect birthday gift
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Is for leslie.
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Yeah.
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>> oh, my -- trust the master.
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>> what's up girl?
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It's your birthday day day day
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Day day day yo!
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Okay.
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Snappy.
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So if you're interested in a
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Present --
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>> no presents.
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>> well, if it makes you feel
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Better, I know what I want for
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My birthday -- to be right here.
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**
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**
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[ cheers and applause ]
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>> please tip.
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My name is relentless.
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Excuse me.
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Mr. Lentless, listen, turns out
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That you found my buddy's
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Sweater, so he needs it back so
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He can be an american.
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>> no, dude, I'm not doing that.
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>> okay.
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Well, brett, we tried, looks
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Like you're going back to
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Britain.
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>> obviously you're a great
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Dancer.
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I love the crew, the shoulders,
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I have been working out mine, I
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Don't want to today my own horn
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Here, but beep beep.
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But I have a few moves of my
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Own.
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>> do you think you can help us
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Out, one dancer to another?
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>> sorry, dude.
288
00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:22,382
Finders keepers.
289
00:11:22,382 --> 00:11:23,316
>> according to the ancient laws
290
00:11:23,316 --> 00:11:25,385
Of battle that does make us
291
00:11:25,385 --> 00:11:26,720
Losers weepers.
292
00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:28,055
>> you know what dude?
293
00:11:28,055 --> 00:11:32,225
All right, look.
294
00:11:32,225 --> 00:11:34,294
We charge you with a dance
295
00:11:34,294 --> 00:11:34,527
Contest.
296
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:37,230
If we win, we get the sweater,
297
00:11:37,230 --> 00:11:40,100
If you win, you have to give it
298
00:11:40,100 --> 00:11:45,372
Back, and justin will give you
299
00:11:45,372 --> 00:11:45,572
$100.
300
00:11:45,572 --> 00:11:49,843
>> what are you insane?
301
00:11:49,843 --> 00:11:50,243
>> yeah.
302
00:11:50,243 --> 00:11:52,746
Let's go google dancing.
303
00:12:03,857 --> 00:12:04,324
>>> where's your crew?
304
00:12:04,324 --> 00:12:04,724
>> hey, what's up?
305
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:05,893
My crew is actually stretching
306
00:12:05,893 --> 00:12:06,259
To avoid injury.
307
00:12:06,259 --> 00:12:15,903
Duh!
308
00:12:15,903 --> 00:12:16,904
Hey, guys, come on out.
309
00:12:16,904 --> 00:12:17,905
Game time.
310
00:12:17,905 --> 00:12:19,239
Say hello to danny's boys.
311
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:20,908
>> actually, we have girls on
312
00:12:20,908 --> 00:12:22,275
The crew so I say we call
313
00:12:22,275 --> 00:12:30,050
Ourself justin's boys and girls.
314
00:12:30,050 --> 00:12:34,922
>> all we need now is a fair and
315
00:12:34,922 --> 00:12:35,923
Impartial judge to help with our
316
00:12:35,923 --> 00:12:37,290
Dance battle.
317
00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:42,863
Oh, excuse me, stranger.
318
00:12:42,863 --> 00:12:48,068
>> yes, my son?
319
00:12:48,068 --> 00:12:50,537
I was just busy writing a sermon
320
00:12:50,537 --> 00:12:54,107
About fairness and honesty.
321
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:56,009
>> would you be able to take
322
00:12:56,009 --> 00:12:58,511
Time out of your busy day to
323
00:12:58,511 --> 00:13:00,113
Judge our dance battle.
324
00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:03,583
>> let me pray on it.
325
00:13:03,583 --> 00:13:06,854
Boss says it's okay!
326
00:13:06,854 --> 00:13:13,126
>> all right.
327
00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:14,161
God as our witness literally,
328
00:13:14,161 --> 00:13:17,130
Let's do this.
329
00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:18,265
**
330
00:13:18,265 --> 00:13:35,515
**
331
00:13:35,515 --> 00:13:38,018
**
332
00:13:38,018 --> 00:13:40,854
Yeah
333
00:13:40,854 --> 00:13:55,335
B-word.
334
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:55,903
>> do I have to do anything
335
00:13:55,903 --> 00:13:57,304
Else?
336
00:13:57,304 --> 00:14:00,007
>> no, no, no.
337
00:14:00,007 --> 00:14:00,307
You won.
338
00:14:00,307 --> 00:14:20,127
**
339
00:14:20,127 --> 00:14:22,562
>> I mean, none of us sprained
340
00:14:22,562 --> 00:14:22,829
Anything.
341
00:14:22,829 --> 00:14:24,264
What do you think?
342
00:14:24,264 --> 00:14:25,198
How was our dancing?
343
00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:28,168
>> if I had to put it on a scale
344
00:14:28,168 --> 00:14:30,203
From one to ten, I would say you
345
00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:34,207
Guys were very, very white.
346
00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:36,543
>> brett, what are you doing,
347
00:14:36,543 --> 00:14:39,146
You have like 20 minutes.
348
00:14:39,146 --> 00:14:40,547
>> donald trump will be
349
00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:42,415
President and he will throw me
350
00:14:42,415 --> 00:14:44,217
Right over his giant wall right
351
00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:45,285
Into mexico.
352
00:14:45,285 --> 00:14:47,687
>> hey, dude, forget the
353
00:14:47,687 --> 00:14:51,024
Sweater, you have been studying
354
00:14:51,024 --> 00:14:52,459
Forever, you'll be fine.
355
00:14:52,459 --> 00:14:54,194
>> remember when you told me
356
00:14:54,194 --> 00:15:02,302
Once if a really handsome guy,
357
00:15:02,302 --> 00:15:04,404
With awesome hair caressed your
358
00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:08,541
Face, you could do anything?
359
00:15:08,541 --> 00:15:10,710
I'm here to tell you you can --
360
00:15:10,710 --> 00:15:14,581
>> I'm not that easily
361
00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:15,548
Manipulated, all right?
362
00:15:15,548 --> 00:15:17,017
>> but I am right.
363
00:15:17,017 --> 00:15:20,153
I can do this on my own, you
364
00:15:20,153 --> 00:15:26,026
Were right, danny.
365
00:15:26,026 --> 00:15:30,563
"Murica"!
366
00:15:30,563 --> 00:15:33,566
>> unfortunately for you, a
367
00:15:33,566 --> 00:15:40,673
Penny saved is a penny burned.
368
00:15:40,673 --> 00:15:41,574
>> cool, man.
369
00:15:41,574 --> 00:15:44,744
I have to say, I know that you
370
00:15:44,744 --> 00:15:47,014
And I are not the closest of
371
00:15:47,014 --> 00:15:49,716
Friends, and that is fine, but I
372
00:15:49,716 --> 00:15:52,452
Thought if I ever needed you
373
00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:55,088
Were something that mattered,
374
00:15:55,088 --> 00:15:57,024
You could come through.
375
00:15:57,024 --> 00:15:59,359
By gum, I guess I was wrong.
376
00:15:59,359 --> 00:16:00,727
>> what is wrong?
377
00:16:00,727 --> 00:16:04,064
>> you idiot.
378
00:16:04,064 --> 00:16:07,567
Maybe he is pissed because he
379
00:16:07,567 --> 00:16:09,369
Helped you form a dance crew and
380
00:16:09,369 --> 00:16:13,306
He just wants a little help get
381
00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:14,707
A gift for your sister.
382
00:16:14,707 --> 00:16:18,745
>> I didn't do anything wrong,
383
00:16:18,745 --> 00:16:19,579
Right?
384
00:16:19,579 --> 00:16:21,348
>> right.
385
00:16:21,348 --> 00:16:21,748
No!
386
00:16:21,748 --> 00:16:23,550
>> candace, please tell him what
387
00:16:23,550 --> 00:16:24,617
I said last night.
388
00:16:24,617 --> 00:16:27,020
>> it's total normal for a grown
389
00:16:27,020 --> 00:16:29,456
Man to cry at the end of "Joy."
390
00:16:29,456 --> 00:16:31,424
>> no, the other thing, what's
391
00:16:31,424 --> 00:16:33,093
The other thing I said last
392
00:16:33,093 --> 00:16:33,360
Night.
393
00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:36,296
It's total normal for a grown
394
00:16:36,296 --> 00:16:38,198
Man to cry at the beginning of
395
00:16:38,198 --> 00:16:40,167
The movie "Joy."
396
00:16:40,167 --> 00:16:41,434
>> I don't know what you're
397
00:16:41,434 --> 00:16:42,502
Talking about then.
398
00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:46,173
>> not in front of friends.
399
00:16:46,173 --> 00:16:50,777
Look, who knows, maybe burski is
400
00:16:50,777 --> 00:16:53,180
The best thing to happen to
401
00:16:53,180 --> 00:16:56,116
Leslie and you won't even give
402
00:16:56,116 --> 00:16:56,716
It a chance.
403
00:16:56,716 --> 00:16:57,317
>> oh, yeah.
404
00:16:57,317 --> 00:17:00,387
>> just think about it.
405
00:17:00,387 --> 00:17:02,655
>> you don't deserve to be part
406
00:17:02,655 --> 00:17:06,159
Of this dance crew.
407
00:17:06,159 --> 00:17:09,129
Your uniform, sir.
408
00:17:27,347 --> 00:17:30,450
>>> I'm going to make an
409
00:17:30,450 --> 00:17:35,088
Introduction of my new american
410
00:17:35,088 --> 00:17:41,594
Friend, brett!
411
00:17:41,594 --> 00:17:45,498
>> cool, what are you going to
412
00:17:45,498 --> 00:17:46,566
Do first?
413
00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:47,834
Get diabetes or buy a gun?
414
00:17:47,834 --> 00:17:50,370
>> I know, I'm so excited.
415
00:17:50,370 --> 00:17:52,572
It's corny, but this truly is a
416
00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:53,440
Great country.
417
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:56,309
>> it truly is, even when we
418
00:17:56,309 --> 00:17:58,445
Don't nominate a single black
419
00:17:58,445 --> 00:18:00,713
Person for an oscar.
420
00:18:00,713 --> 00:18:02,882
>> hey, congrats, man.
421
00:18:02,882 --> 00:18:05,518
I hope you're not the only
422
00:18:05,518 --> 00:18:08,188
Success story because I finally
423
00:18:08,188 --> 00:18:10,390
Figured out what to get leslie
424
00:18:10,390 --> 00:18:12,525
For her birthday.
425
00:18:12,525 --> 00:18:17,664
>> a cashmere scarf, if feels so
426
00:18:17,664 --> 00:18:17,930
Expensive.
427
00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:22,902
Look at me, I'm a rich person.
428
00:18:22,902 --> 00:18:24,904
Cocktails, caviar, health
429
00:18:24,904 --> 00:18:25,472
Insurance.
430
00:18:25,472 --> 00:18:27,440
>> that is a great gift, well
431
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:28,575
Done, she'll love it.
432
00:18:28,575 --> 00:18:32,612
>> leslie will hate that gift.
433
00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:37,184
>> look, leslie's ex-husband
434
00:18:37,184 --> 00:18:43,190
Used to get her really expensive
435
00:18:43,190 --> 00:18:44,491
When he messed up.
436
00:18:44,491 --> 00:18:46,859
Any time she gets an expensive
437
00:18:46,859 --> 00:18:49,462
Gift, she is reminded of that
438
00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:50,730
Time of her life.
439
00:18:50,730 --> 00:18:51,898
If you really want to get in
440
00:18:51,898 --> 00:18:56,736
Good with my sister, then give
441
00:18:56,736 --> 00:18:58,771
Her this candy necklace.
442
00:18:58,771 --> 00:19:01,608
>> I'm supposed to believe this
443
00:19:01,608 --> 00:19:04,611
Is good -- guess you have to
444
00:19:04,611 --> 00:19:05,412
Decide whether or not you
445
00:19:05,412 --> 00:19:17,257
Believe I'm your friend.
446
00:19:17,257 --> 00:19:19,626
>> hey, leslie, I noticed you
447
00:19:19,626 --> 00:19:23,463
Have been a little blue, and I
448
00:19:23,463 --> 00:19:25,598
Got you a birthday gift.
449
00:19:25,598 --> 00:19:28,601
I hope you like it.
450
00:19:28,601 --> 00:19:35,275
>> you got me a candy necklace?
451
00:19:35,275 --> 00:19:36,209
I love it.
452
00:19:36,209 --> 00:19:42,615
When I was a kid, and I got
453
00:19:42,615 --> 00:19:45,685
Bummed, I used to bike down to
454
00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:48,355
The market street and buy one of
455
00:19:48,355 --> 00:19:50,323
These, who can stay bummed out
456
00:19:50,323 --> 00:19:53,726
When you can eat what you're
457
00:19:53,726 --> 00:19:55,495
Wearing.
458
00:19:55,495 --> 00:19:56,229
Thank you.
459
00:19:56,229 --> 00:20:01,268
Hey, want to take me out for a
460
00:20:01,268 --> 00:20:02,802
Belated birthday dinner?
461
00:20:02,802 --> 00:20:07,907
>> yeah, we have to stop
462
00:20:07,907 --> 00:20:10,243
Somewhere first so I can pawn
463
00:20:10,243 --> 00:20:13,513
Off a cashmere scarf, first -- I
464
00:20:13,513 --> 00:20:16,516
Guess technically this is our
465
00:20:16,516 --> 00:20:18,485
First date?
466
00:20:18,485 --> 00:20:24,357
>> sure, why not.
467
00:20:24,357 --> 00:20:26,293
>> listen, don't make a big deal
468
00:20:26,293 --> 00:20:31,564
Out of this, okay?
469
00:20:31,564 --> 00:20:38,938
* oh say can you see --
470
00:20:38,938 --> 00:20:41,874
>> god bless danny, god bless
471
00:20:41,874 --> 00:20:43,276
The united states of america.
472
00:20:43,276 --> 00:20:47,013
And if this show gets picked up
473
00:20:47,013 --> 00:20:49,349
For another season, then god
474
00:20:49,349 --> 00:20:52,485
Bless nbc.
475
00:20:52,485 --> 00:21:02,462
**
29511
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