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[ applause ]

>> hey, did I tell you guys my

New year's resolution yet?

>> is it to keep dressing like a

Junior high school orchestra

Teacher?

[ laughter ]

>> ha ha ha.

No, danny.

It's to not let other people's

Words hurt me, and that is not

Going great.

[ laughter ]

>> whoa, whoa.

Easy, booze face.

New year's resolution was to not

Drink so much wine.

>> this road you're heading

Down, does it feel safe?

[ laughter ]

>> last year's shelly's

Resolution

Was to get healthier, and he

Kind of crushed it.

>> and to celebrate, he wants to

Burst through a poster of his

Older self like they do on "The

Biggest loser."

So, everybody, let's give a nice

Warm welcome for 100 pounds

Thinner, shelly!

[ applause ]

[ cheers and applause ]

>> well, I hope you guys more

Posters because I want to do

That all day.

>> wow, 100 pounds.

You lost an entire candace.

I put a picture of nicki minaj's

Butt on a treadmill and watched

Him chase it all year.

Snow matter what I do I look

Like one of these greek

Sculptures that those guys made.

You know one of those little

Staff us that always looks like

They're feeding someone you

Can't see, you know?

[ laughter ]

>> hello.

[ cheering ]

>> leather pants, coming in hot.

>> come on.

I told you not to borrow my

Leather pants.

Now the hips are going to be too

Big.

>> so is the crotch.

>> those pants are so cool.

You're like some sexy warrior

Princess with pants so tight

That I can see a pierce in a

Terrifying place.

>> that's actually a locket with

A picture of my grandma.

>> how sweet.

>> honey, it's not.

[ laughter ]

>> listen, would you like it if

I got some pants like that?

>> if you looked that hot it

Would make my day -- you didn't

Let me finish.

It would make my day terrible

Because I love you exactly the

Way you are.

>> justin wishes that I was

Sexier.

That's going to be my new year's

Resolution.

We're taking charge.

Next thing you know I'm going to

Be like, bam, crazy sexy.

>> yeah, you go ahead and start

Whenever you're ready.

**

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[ cheering ]

* I'll be there to catch the

Day.

I be there all the way *

* if you need a friend, I'm the

One who will give you love *

* more, more, more

* no matter where you go, you're

Not alone *

* I'll be there to catch the

Day *

* I'm only one call away

**

* I'm only one call away

* I'll be there to catch the

Day *

* I'm only one call away

* I'm only one call away

[ applause ]

[ cheering ]

>>> candace, being easy is sexy.

Have you got a sexy walk or

Something?

>> I don't know.

You tell me.

[ laughter ]

>> no.

No, you do not.

>> lucky for you danny's here.

Da, da, da, da!

I can do any boring move or

Anything mundane and turn that

Into the utmost sexiest thing

Ever, okay?

Take this for instance, making a

Text message.

Or maybe even eating a pretzel.

Oh, sorry, madam.

Oopsy daisy.

You know what?

Don't get me started when it

Comes to the bedroom, huh?

I pull hanky bank owe everybody,

I do, seriously.

Charlotte, if I asked you to

Rate me in the bedroom, what

Would you say?

Go ahead.

Come on.

>> danny, I really -- I don't

Want to do this right now.

>> come on.

Look, if I asked you to rate me

On a scale of justin to danny,

Right?

Danny obviously being the best

And justin being too ugly that

He can't even make the scale,

What would you -- what would you

Do?

One out of ten, come on.

>> six?

>> someone call anthony bourdain

Because this is delicious.

[ laughter ]

>> this is the happiest day of

My life.

>> so I'm a six?

>> look at the bright side,

Danny.

Together combined, we're a total

Of seven.

>> look, I mean our sex life is

Good, you know.

I'm sure every girl loves the

Danger of doing it on the floor

Of your roommate's bedroom while

He sleeps just inches away.

>> what?

I thought that was a dream.

>> look, danny.

You're good at like wild, like

Crazy sex.

You're just not good at making

Love, but that's okay.

We'll work on it.

>> okay.

That's cool.

It's not a big deal or anything.

I know what's up.

Anyway, I'll go to my special

Place right now.

>> where is he going?

>> oh, well, when danny is this

Upset, he likes to go to the

Movies and make other people

Feel as miserable as he does.

>> so are you guys ready to see

The new "Star wars" movie?

Han solo dies!

[ laughter ]

**

>> I can't believe that she said

I was a six.

Seriously, these hip, they never

Slow down.

I mean sometimes they even wake

Up in the morning before I do.

Hey, come on.

Chill out, it's too early.

Go watch cartoons or something.

Okay.

All right.

All right.

I'm up.

Whatever.

This is the worst day of my

Life.

[ cheers and applause ]

>> quit feeling sorry for

Yourself.

>> how many times are you going

To do that until I run out of

Posters.

Look, danny.

>> what?

>>

>> listen, charlotte didn't say

You weren't good at sex.

She said you didn't know how to

Make love.

>> what's the difference?

>> danny, making love is

Beautiful.

It's poetry.

It's shakespeare.

>> no, no, don't do shakespeare.

>> love is a smoke -- love is a

Smoke grazed with

A fume of sighs, being purged, a

Fire sparkle in a lover's eyes.

What does it tell of madness

Most discreet, a choking gall

And a persevering sweet.

[ cheering ]

But there's poems for sex as

Well.

So that's more like, yo, what's

Up, let's get nude.

Wham, bam, later dude.

>> what my true british thespian

Is trying to say is there's more

To making love than smashing

Genitals.

Making love is about smashing

Hearts.

Charlotte just wants some

Intimacy.

>> what is int-I-macy?

>> okay.

Please don't do that thing where

You act like you've never heard

Of a word just because you're

Uncomfortable.

>> is int-I-macy when somebody

Shares your password with

Someone?

Is intimacy when you go to the

Bank and it's not open on

Sunday?

>> no.

>> move over.

You are lost in intimacy.

Listen, everybody knows that you

Got it going on in the boudoir.

But, charlotte, you need to

Connect with her on a deeper

Level.

You know, with candace,

Sometimes before we make love, I

Make love with her before I even

Take our clothes off.

Here, I'll show you.

You be candace.

>> yeah, I don't -- I don't want

To be candace.

>> shh, shh, shh.

Okay, candace.

>> all right.

>> who's my wild child.

Now look into my eyes.

Now look into my eyes.

You see how much I care about

You?

>> how much I need you.

[ laughter ]

>> whoa, whoa, whoa.

What the hell was that, man?

>> I think that was an emotional

Orgasm.

>> I'm going to go light myself

On fire.

>> look, danny, I've never made

Love either.

But I've killeded for that kind

Of connection and you have that

Chance with charlotte.

Don't mess it up, man.

>> even if I wanted to be

Int-I-macy, I wouldn't even know

Where to start.

>> look.

Listen --

>> just start slow.

Okay?

Next time you're watching tv,

Try cuddling.

If you have trouble with that

Intimacy,

Just pretend you're a koala

Hugging a tree.

>> gotcha.

Next time I see her I'll hug her

Like a koala bear.

Oh, I hate cuddling.

>> are you kidding me?

I live for cuddling.

Cuddling is the best part.

>> seriously?

>> no.

I'm just trying to make a point.

The best part is making that ass

Clap.

**

**

>> I guess I just have to accept

That I'm never going to be sexy.

I really wish I could get a hug

From shelly right now.

>> you never know.

He could be back there.

Hey, shelly, there are

Professional wrestlers and

They're smoking hella weed out

Here!

Nope, not here.

>> candace, come over here.

We can help you be sexy.

When I want to be sexy for danny

I wear a tube top or laugh at

One of his terrible jokes or

I'll show him a close-up photo

Of my junk.

>> whoa!

[ laughter ]

Nudies?

>> did you take that in the

Office?

Keep it at home for crying out

Loud!

I'm not going to do that kind of

Thing.

>> do you have any special

Skills, you know?

I'm very good at acronyms.

Taking the first letter of every

Word in the sentence and I can

Do that and girls are definitely

Into that, so -- what the hell

Are you talking about?

>>

>> w-t-h-a-y-t-a.

>> I'm sorry.

Nobody on earth finds that sexy.

>> I-s-n-o-e-f -- that's sexy.

>> I say we accentuate your

Curves.

Well, arch your back.

Squeeze your boobs together with

Your arms.

Then sit like you're sitting on

A bar stool that's just a little

Bit too high.

And then pout like a sexy duck.

[ laughter ]

[ cheering ]

>> do you have any other

Suggestions?

>> you know what should make you

Feel sexy?

That a great guy is crazy about

You.

I mean, that always makes me

Feel that way and no, I don't

Want to talk about it right now.

>> n-I-d-w-t -- come on, you

Know.

>> just be confident and do

Something unexpected, okay?

Say surprise, grab his ass and

Kiss him hard.

>> I don't know if I could do

That.

>> you totally can.

Demonstrate it on me, love.

>> oh, my god.

Is this really going to happen?

The ratings are going to go

Through the roof.

>> surprise.

[ cheering ]

>> I'm going to need a little

Before that happens.

[ cheers and applause ]

>> I believe that's my cue,

Ladies.

**

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>> you like this so much?

>> uh, yeah.

It's not my favorite.

>> come on, I'm being

Int-I-macy.

I'm hugging you like a koala

Bear.

>> okay.

Oh, my god.

You want intimacy?

I am totally in.

Hold me.

>> yeah, you know what?

Look, this isn't really my

Thing, okay?

It turns out being intimacy is

Not my thing.

I'm telling you, people can't

Change.

People change for each other all

Of the time like candace is out

With justin right now being more

Sexy and I'm sure that's going

Great.

>> here's your coffee.

Why are you looking at me weird?

>> what?

[ cheering ]

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

>> you knocked out my toof.

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>> I'm so angry that I'm out of

Movies to spoil for anyone.

>> thank god.

>> at the end of "Making a

Murderer," steve avery is

Guilty!

>> you telling me they put a

White man in jail?

Now, that is a twist.

>> oh, my god!

I can't believe I knocked your

Tooth out.

>> don't worry about it.

>> candathe, ith okay.

It's a cap.

It doesn't even hurt.

>> don't call me candace.

Call me something else.

>> thweetie.

[ laughter ]

>> why are you laughing?

>> are you laughing at my

Boyfriend?

You old maid?

>> I will eat your ass for

Breakfast.

That came out wrong.

>> you know what, you got me so

Mad.

You tricked me into being

Int-I-macy.

Now I'm nervous and insecure

About it.

>> that's fantastic.

That's how I feel all of the

Time.

That's intimacy.

>> okay.

You know what?

If you say one more word, this

Is going in your face.

>> you know what?

This is passion.

If we were to have sex right now

For the firth time, you'd be

Making love.

[ laughter ]

That's for calling me old.

>> this is for showing me

Pictures of your woo-woo.

>> and this is for ruining

"Making a murderer."

>> drink fight!

[ applause ]

[ cheering ]

**

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We should all be ashamed of

Ourselves.

[ laughter ]

>> he's right.

>> you know what, guys.

This is my fault.

I got upset, and I freaked out

Charlotte.

I'm really sorry that I said

Those things to you.

Your woo-woo is beautiful.

And, justin, I just wanted to be

Sexy for you.

>> what?

Are you kidding me?

You're the sexiest girl in the

World.

>> danny, you need to be more

Like candace.

>> you should call vaginas

Woo-woos.

She never gives up.

That's the difference between

Good couples and bad couples.

Good couples keep trying.

>> that's right.

And I'm going to keep trying.

The next thing I was thinking I

Would do is the sexy lip bite.

[ laughter ]

>> look, charlotte, here, come

Here.

I remember once you said that

Your favorite scene from any

Romantic movie is the notebook

When ryan gosling kisses that

Big forehead girl in the rain.

Hey, brett, would you hook us up

With some rain?

>> I can hook you up with some

Sprite.

[ laughter ]

>> come here.

Listen, I know that I can be

Really annoying, but I do enjoy

Dating you.

>> and that's how you make love!

[ applause ]

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