Original subtitles

[ applause ]

>> oh, there's the happy new

Coup.

How are things in paradise?

>> question.

Have you ever noticed how danny

Is a little bitch.

This morning we were in a coffee

Shop.

The guy spilled coffee all over

Me.

He did not apologize.

What do you think tommy

Tugnutts, he did nothing but

Watch the recent conan

Appearance on his phone.

>> it was hilarious, go check it

Out yourself.

>> what's this?

You dropped something over here.

Oh, it was a tiny detail you

Left out.

Oh, yeah, it's says the guy that

You insulted was a giant that

Came down on a bean stalk

Because he wanted a miniature

Cup of human coffee.

>> danny, you've got to protect

Your lady.

That's the first thing they

Teach you freshman year at man

College.

>> man college, I was actually a

Professor there.

I don't remember seeing you.

You might have missed my

Class -- why chins are

Important.

>> so this man college, what do

The dorm rooms look like?

>> ha ha, jokey pants.

But at least I know -- shut up

And look at me.

At least I know how to step up

For my candy cane when someone

Pushes her.

Tell them about yesterday.

>> I was standing in line for

Ice cream, someone standed in

Front of me.

And next thing you know --

>> hey!

Hey!

You get your ugly ass to the

Back of the line.

>> except the kid wasn't

Cutting, he was just joining his

Mom in line.

>> babe, I'm sorry, is this my

Story or yours?

>> I'm sorry, babe.

Go ahead and tell them what the

Mom did to you.

>> well, she stuffed me in a

Trash can, but I made my point.

>> see, this is what I mean.

I need a guy who is going to

Stand up for me.

Obviously not idiot who gets

Jammed in a trash can by a

Soccer mom and says stupid

Things like jokey pants, but I

Need someone who's going to

Stand up for me because I like

To mouth off.

>> that's not news, anderson

Cooper.

>> ho, ho, ho.

[ applause ]

>> great sweater.

Is that black santa.

>> I believe you mean real

Santa.

Anyway, I got you guys some

Presents.

>> sweet.

You got us christmas swerts?

Is oh, mine's jewish.

Dope.This will go nice with my

Circus-sized pea us in.

Look mine has a picture of me

On it.

>> that's jesus christ the son

Of god.

You're a 34-year-old man with a

Roommate.

>> everyone says we look alike

When beget frisked at the

Airport.

>> I thought this would help us

Get into the christmas spirit.

>> I thought you were going to

Disneyworld.

>> he discovered they charge $12

For churros.

>> if I get stoned I'm going to

Lose all my money.

>> anyway, I thought before you

Left on christmas eve, maybe we

Could have a party upstairs in

My room.

It could be fun.

We could spend it all together

Because you guys are my family.

>> oh, of course, we'll be

There.

>> I will definitely be there.

I have a longist history of

Doing anything handsome black

Men ask me to.

>> this is exciting.

We could go carolling.

We could do that song we were

Working on.

Remember that sweet jam.

One, two, three *

* on the first day of

Christmas *

* my true love gave to me

*

>> oh, oh, oh, oh, I hate being

White now.

>> if anyone is going to be

Singing, it's me.

Remember this gospel kbhier that

Came -- this is their words not

Mine -- they said god said I was

More talented than you.

>> god also made john travolta's

Hairpiece so sometimes he gets

Things wrong.

But besides it will be a cold

Day in hell when someone thinks

You're a better singer than me.

>> it's good that we have nifty

New sweaters because it's about

To get chilly in here.

Choir!

* hallelujah

* hallelujah

Hallelujah **

[ applause ]

* you bet no pout

You better not cry *

* you better not shout I'm

Telling you why

Santa claus is coming to town *

* he's making a list

* checking it twice

He's goen that find out who's

Naughty or nice *

* santa claus is coming to

Down *

* he sees you when you're

Sleeping *

* he knows when you're aware

He knows when you've been bad or

Good *

* so be good for goodness

Sakes *

* you better be good for

Goodness sakes

* santa claus is coming to

Town *

* santa claus is coming to

Town *

* santa claus is coing to

Town **

>> so did you two actually make

Out last week?

>> whatever, it wasn't a big

Deal.

You know how emotional I am.

I even get choked up when you

Say when you sing that adele

Song.

>> hello.

>> please don't.

It wasn't a big deal.

>> it was just one of those

Moments between good friends.

It's not going anywherer and it

Didn't mean anything and this

Definitely wasn't a prepared

Statement I was asked to

Memorize.

>> I'm so pissed at you.

Anyone want to figure out why

I'm carrying a box full of

Puppies.

>> the reason is unimportant.

But I'm going to lie down and

You're going to pour those

Puppies on top of me.

>> apparently those are mo's

Children which, you know, I

Think would be impossible

Because I always keep them on

The leash unless I'm in the dog

Park.

>> take it from a girl with a

4-year-old, you can get pregnant

At the dog park.

>> that's really gross, the

Whole thing.

>> anyway, I think back nine

Weeks ago, what was happening?

Oh, yeah, that's right, justin

Was watching mo for the weekend.

And now I have grand puppies.

>> what's brown and sticky?

This.

>> I thought you were going to

Say the dog's poopy.

>> yeah.

>> mo is my family.

How would you like it if your

Took your mom out and I got her

Pregnant.

>> I would really love that

Actually because I'm really very

Lonely and I would love to have

A sibling, okay?

Still, I remember watching mo.

I didn't leave him out of my

Sight.

Except for that one hour I let

Danny watch him.

>> no.

No, no, no.

All I did was exactly what you

Told me.

I fed him, let him out to do his

Business and now I realize do

His business doesn't mean have

Sex.

I'm sorry.

>> well, vince, the baby mama of

Mo, his owner said I'm

Financially responsible.

>> you don't have to give vince

Anything, all right?

Who's even saying that they know

For sure that mo is the real

Father.

>> that would be me.

Yeah yeah, I mean, I agree with

Vince.

On to the next investigation.

>> is the next investigation the

Curious case of danny's missing

Balls.

>> whatever.

You got pregnant at a dog park.

**

>> guys, I cannot believe it's

Christmas eve.

It still feels to me like it's

Exactly december 11th.

>> vince said I need to pay

$1,200 in puppy support.

How am I supposed to support

That?

>> I have an idea.

How does justin feel about

Sharing you?

You.

>> you're the scariest woman

I've ever met.

>> look, we have plans to help

Candace.

>> does it include terrifying

Children at the mall?

>> it's our costumes.

>> the three of us are in

Costume, but justin isn't.

This is the time of year that he

Returns to his natural form and

Flies north to make toys for

Kids.

>> no, I am not an elf!

Elves aren't even real.

>> that's exactly what a real

Elf would tell us to throw us

Off.

Now you go make me an egg box.

>> we're going to go to vince's

House as carrollers.

We're going to sing --

Especially justin and I are

Going to be the main singers.

>> you can't sing.

>> really?

Okay, fine then, but brett can

And I'm amazing at lip syncing

To watch this.

* fall on your knees

And the hear the angels voices *

* oh night divine

* oh night

When christ was born **

>> so that's obviously going to

Work, okay?

When we're busy distracting

Vince, bursky is going to sneak

In and he's going to grab one of

The dogs and then he's going to

Test the dog's dna and then

We're going to find out if mo's

Real father.

It's the perfect plan, dude.

Yes!

>> I think maybe I could have a

Good luck kiss.

I mean, you might as well.

Irch wants us to be a couple.

Everyone is even calling us

Lursky.

>> what people?

>> my parents.

>> and I have no one.

Yay!

>> he spends christmas eve with

His dad.

I spend christmas eve drinking

And crying.

>> no way, me too.

You know, guys, I feel like this

Silly plan could actually work

With vince and his gang

Carrolling.

>> his gang of friends.

>> his prison gang.

He runs a halfway house for guys

Who just got out of jail.

[ laughing ]

>> what, you think it could

Work.

>> go, go!

>> what are you doing?

>> save yourselves.

Tell everyone I was brave!

>> hey, guys.

You want to see how we do things

In the north pole?

Oh no! They're using my head as

A battering ram!

>> doesn't he look like an

Elf,

Though?

Justin, hey, do your elf voice.

>> I'm not doing an elf voice.

>> do it.

>> gosh, golly.

In the north pole we're going to

Have cake later.

>> turns out vince and his gang

Are pretty cool.

Hey.

>> oh, my goodness.

I am so glad that you're

Defenning your friends.

It kind of makes me want to

Start a street fight so you'll

Protect me.

I'm getting turned on just

Thinking about it.

>> she's so scary.

>> I know.

I love it.

>> vince, did you bring the mama

Dog?

>> oh, my dog.

She must have had a nice

Personality, hey, mate.

>> turns out mo likes dim ugly

Bitches.

>> okay, everybody stop googling

Around.

We're doing a do it yourself dog

Paternity test.

>> I think you should announce

It like maury povitch.

>> okay, what we have here is a

Classic tale of doggy trouble.

Now, vince says that -- vince's

Dog was knocked up by mo and

That vince's puppies are mo's.

>> but candace believes that mo

Would never, ever, ever be

Around a tramp like this.

>> I said it, I said it.

>> that's's enough.

That's enough.

Now, here are the results in the

Case of mo and the bastard

Puppies.

Mo, mo.

Mo.

You are not the father!

**

>> guys, guys, come on.

It's christmas.

Vince, we will help you find a

Home.

We'll go to the local shelter

And give these puppies a home.

>> hey, ride or die.

>> ride or die, brother.

>> aztecs forever, dude.

See you, rooster.

, big tiny, raw dog, benji, cop

Killer, mom dropper, dad lever,

Glenn.

>> all right, so we wrapped that

Up just in time to get the hell

Out of here.

On the way to the airport, who

Wants a ride.

>> happy holidays, everyone.

I love how things work out

Perfectly on christmas.

>> well, it looks like it's just

You and me.

**

>> hey, man.

So I just realized we all forgot

Your christmas party.

>> it's okay.

It's not like I'm spending

Christmas eve alone in a storage

Room above a dark bar.

>> I have a couple of hours to

Kill so can I at least buy you a

Beer.

>> merry christmas!

>> you all came!

I don't have to damn you all to

Hell anymore.

>> we all changed our plans.

>> my christmas wish came true.

I just want everyone to be

Happy.

>> that reminds me, though.

I want to hear everyone's

Christmas wish.

>> my wish is that someone would

Stop pretending like that kiss

Didn't mean something when it so

Clearly meant something.

>> I wish ultd understand

Sometimes a woman needs time to

Process something especially

When she's overwhelmed with her

Mom, her job, her dad, her went,

Her workout schedule, adele.

So yeah, you know, maybe that

Something did mean something to

Somebody but that somebody

Doesn't know what that is yet.

>> all right.

Well, after that debacle, I

Definitely don't want to hear

Any more christmas wishes.

And that's my christmas wish,

Huh?

>> ow, ow, all right.

Look, I no ei always joke

Around, but fi'm going to be

Honest with you guys, this has

Been the time of my life hanging

Out with you and I love you.

>> yep, I'm with donny.

Sometimes it's really hard being

So far away from home, but I

Never thought I would have a job

Where I get to hang out with my

Friends every day.

>> wint, spring, summer, fall, I

Just hope we get to do this for

A few more seasons.

But I will have to say 20 years

From now when I'm fat, bald and

Divorced I'm going to look back

And realize it was the time of

My life.

>> what about you, shel?

>> I'm glad you asked.

It just seems like the world is

In a dark place lately.

Everywhere you look, people are

Kind of scared.

I think I have three christmas

Wishes.

The first is just to hold on to

Hope, no matter what.

The second will be just more

Love in this world.

And the third would be for that

Star wars not to suck.

You guys are the best, I love

You guys.

Come here.

>> oh, my god, you guys are such

Bitches.

* let earth receive her king

Let every heart *

* prepare his room

* and heaven and nature sing

* and heaven and heaven and

Nature sing *

* he rules the world *

**