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**
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**
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>>> guys, honestly, I thought
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Bachelor parties were supposed
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To be raunchy and all they're
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Doing is talking but they did
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Give me these cute and delicious
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Candies.
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Do you think they're hot dogs?
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>> sweetie, hot dogs don't have
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Testicles.
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>> no way, candy pens.
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It's my second favorite kind.
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>> well, I'm just proud of you
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Guys for being over there and
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Not hitting on the vulnerable
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Girls sad that they're not
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Getting married.
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Guys like that are so lame.
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>> really?
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Is it so lame or am I trying to
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Make friends?
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Yeah, I did say I'd subif the
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Stripper didn't show up but
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That's the friendly thing to do
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When your body moves like this.
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>> I'm doo going to tell you the
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Same thing I told my mom at the
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Pistons game after her second
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Beer, I love you but nobody
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Wants to see you take your pants
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Off.
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>> candice and I decided
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Something.
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>> danny, we're tired of getting
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To know whatever dumb as you're
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Dating.
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>> tear arer not all dumb.
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>> the girl you brought to
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Thanksgiving thought syria was a
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Cool way to say sirius.
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>> I love gravy.
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Oh, my god I'm being totally
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Serious.
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>> look, my point is one of my
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Closest friends moved back into
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The town and I think the two of
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You click.
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>> oh, you think I need to be
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Set up.
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Okay.
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That's hilarious. P I'm going to
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Laugh in each one of your faces.
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Ha-ha ha.
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A british one for you, ho.
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>> that was really funny, mate.
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Cheerio.
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You know.
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>> anyway, dude, I already met
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And am vibing with this really
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Cool chick at the bachelor
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Party.
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She's funny and her name is
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Charlotte.
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>> you guys kind of sound like
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The perfect match.
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>> what are you talking about?
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>> we knew you wouldn't go for
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Any girl we set you up with but
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You just lucked out because you
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Met her.
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>> no.
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Hold on, charlotte?
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>>.
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[ applause ]
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>> yes.
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>> tell me that you aren't
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Already friends with justin?
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>> you mean this nerdy guy who
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Used to do my homework when we
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Were 10 because I let him see me
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Naked.
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>> jokes on her, I love doing
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Homework.
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>> did he tell you I look like a
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Young keano reevs?
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>> it might actually work out
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This time.
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*
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* in the driveway you stand in
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The window *
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* what's inside is burning you
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Dance until your head falls
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Off *
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* and what you want all night
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Long is dancing to someone
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Else's song *
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* dancing to someone else's song
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Dancing to someone else's -- *
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*
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>> hey, you guys see "The wiz"
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Last night?
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It was awesome.
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It was so great seeing that many
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Black people outside of the nba
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Finals.
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>> let me just get a quick pump
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On.
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How's that?
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>> totally fixed it.
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>> can I get a black eye.
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It's a shot of whiskey with a
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Black and tan?
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>> how about a shot of whiskey
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With a white and chunky?
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I'm kidding.
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I'm brett and I hate myself.
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>> I thought it was cute.
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You want to sneak out of here?
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[ laughter]
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>> so, who's getting married?
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>> my new boss, suzy over there.
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>> you go, girl.
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>> no, you go, girl.
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Straight to hel.
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I hate her.
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She has perfect skin, a great as
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And her father gave her a
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Fashion line.
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>> don't be that mad you have
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Some of those things.
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>> so, what are you into girl
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Wise?
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I feel like your sex life is a
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Lot like nick cage's movie
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Career, you'll do anything.
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>> in all fairness, I am trying
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To get past that.
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I bet when nick cage has sex and
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Finishes he says his own name.
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Ha, ha, nick cage.
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>> ha-ha.
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I have a kid.
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Sorry, that comes out at random
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Times and I knewhat you're going
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To say you're too young to have
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A kid.
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>> that was actually a really
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Good impression of me but --
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>> hold on, I forgot this part.
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>> don't want to show your male
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Parts.
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Anyway.
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Listen --
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[ laughter]
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>> you're showing your
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Personality so I feel like I can
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Show my balls.
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>> don't get us canceled twice.
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[ cheers and laughter]
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Anyway.
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Anyway.
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Boy, you have a kid, that's
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Great.
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Very cool.
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You just like made that with
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Your body or --
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>> yeah.
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That's kind of how it works.
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His name is will but he's four,
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So my body has had plenty of
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Time to bounce back down there,
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And -- am I ruining this or?
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>> well, I was going to ask you
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Out but you've been talking
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About your vagina bouncing back.
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So, do you want to go out
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Tomorrow?
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[ laughter]
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>> you know what, don't act like
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You two knew this was going to
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Happen.
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>> you're right, if I knew my
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Best friend and oldest gal pal
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Were going to get together, I
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Would have brought the gospel
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Choir you and I sing together
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With every weekend.
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* together forever and ever haul
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Lieuia, hallelujah.
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Hallelujah *
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[ applause ]
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.
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Pll
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*
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>>> you know, I haven't seen
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Brett in a while.
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What happened with him and that
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Guy last night?
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>> he actually just tested me.
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What do you think an emoji of a
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Beer keg and a donkey means?
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>> it means he tapped that as.
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[ applause ]
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>> well, you look so cute all
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Dressed up.
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>> you know I promised I
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Wouldn't get too excited
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Beutseeing you excited is
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Getting me excited.
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>> look, could you two quit
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Looking at me like I'm a kid
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Going to prom.
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Come on, man, I hate that, dude.
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Stop taking pictures, dude.
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Very cool, very cool, very cool.
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I mean, this is a grown up move
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For you, danny.
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Has anybody else here dated a
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Woman with a kid?
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>> I once dated a guy with a
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14-year-old son.
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Such a sweet kid.
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He was mostly into baseball and
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Stealing my underwear.
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>> do you have any photoes of
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You in the underwear so I know
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What to look for?
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>> I don't think charlotte
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Having a kid is a big deal.
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>> it's a huge deal.
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My mother was a single mother, I
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Latched on to every man she ever
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Was with.
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When you date somebody with a
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Kid, it's immediately more
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Serious.
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It's real, it's more importante.
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>> do you guys all agree?
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>> si.
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>> you look like a sexy vampire.
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I'll call you count lacula.
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>> I'm wearing three pairs of
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Sex.
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They're so tight I had to ride
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In my uber like this.
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>> I'm sorry but I don't think I
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Can be your son's estban.
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>> did you scare him away with
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The story of escobar and all the
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Women your mom slept with.
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So, you know the gay guy at your
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Boss's bachelorette party?
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>> there was no guy, just the
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Groom.
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>> yeah, right, so I slept with
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The groom.
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*
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>>> so, you think charlotte's
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Still mad?
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[ laughter]
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>> yeah.
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I do.
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>> of course I am mad, you set
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Me up with a guy who immediately
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Bailed and mary poppins decided
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To open up his umbrella inside
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My boss's fiance.
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>> don't be pissed at me, as
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Soon as I realized it was the
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Groom, I had a shower and got
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Out of there.
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>> be real, were you in that
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Shower alone?
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>> nope, there were two pens so
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No.
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>> sounds like some of my
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Showers recently.
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>> just casually bring it up at
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Work in the break room.
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You get a yogurt, you walk up
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And say you know what I like
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About the yogurt?
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The fruit at the bottom and you
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Know who else loves fruit at the
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Bottom?
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>> you guys would have been such
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A good couple.
289
00:12:49,803 --> 00:12:54,942
You're both loud and edgy and
290
00:12:54,942 --> 00:12:57,110
Really pale.
291
00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:59,312
You're like a female danny.
292
00:12:59,312 --> 00:13:03,383
>> I wish I could find a female
293
00:13:03,383 --> 00:13:04,985
Shelly.
294
00:13:04,985 --> 00:13:06,954
[ applause ]
295
00:13:06,954 --> 00:13:10,157
>> look.
296
00:13:10,157 --> 00:13:15,128
[ laughter]
297
00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:18,098
>> you want to smoke weed?
298
00:13:18,098 --> 00:13:18,398
[ laughter]
299
00:13:18,398 --> 00:13:25,005
*
300
00:13:25,005 --> 00:13:26,974
>> I can't believe you ran out
301
00:13:26,974 --> 00:13:28,208
On charlotte just because she
302
00:13:28,208 --> 00:13:29,109
Has a kid.
303
00:13:29,109 --> 00:13:31,879
>> look, I'm mad at myself too.
304
00:13:31,879 --> 00:13:36,416
You know the scene in
305
00:13:36,416 --> 00:13:38,385
"Footloose" where kevin bacon is
306
00:13:38,385 --> 00:13:41,388
So against the world because he
307
00:13:41,388 --> 00:13:44,257
Just wants to dance?
308
00:13:44,257 --> 00:13:49,897
I've been doing that dance.
309
00:13:49,897 --> 00:13:55,969
[ applause ]
310
00:13:55,969 --> 00:13:58,405
>> hey, taking off was super
311
00:13:58,405 --> 00:14:02,910
Weak.
312
00:14:02,910 --> 00:14:05,078
>> I didn't even know he was in
313
00:14:05,078 --> 00:14:07,214
The car until I pulled into the
314
00:14:07,214 --> 00:14:08,081
Driveway.
315
00:14:08,081 --> 00:14:10,183
>> I have was hiding in the
316
00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:10,450
Backseat.
317
00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:12,285
>> why don't you go out with
318
00:14:12,285 --> 00:14:14,154
Charlotte and see what happens?
319
00:14:14,154 --> 00:14:16,256
>> I had a whole conversation
320
00:14:16,256 --> 00:14:18,058
With her for like an hour and
321
00:14:18,058 --> 00:14:19,292
You know what, I would probably
322
00:14:19,292 --> 00:14:21,294
Do it again and it's like, who
323
00:14:21,294 --> 00:14:22,229
Feels that way?
324
00:14:22,229 --> 00:14:24,431
>> look, I know it's scary when
325
00:14:24,431 --> 00:14:26,166
A relationship already feels
326
00:14:26,166 --> 00:14:28,435
Real and it's not even the
327
00:14:28,435 --> 00:14:29,502
Beginning.
328
00:14:29,502 --> 00:14:34,507
>> yeah, it's terrifying except
329
00:14:34,507 --> 00:14:36,476
Now a kid is involved and
330
00:14:36,476 --> 00:14:38,211
Obviously he's going to think
331
00:14:38,211 --> 00:14:41,214
I'm awesome and what happens if
332
00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:44,017
I ruins things with a kid like I
333
00:14:44,017 --> 00:14:45,018
Normally do.
334
00:14:45,018 --> 00:14:47,320
>> I'm jealous of your
335
00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:49,056
Completely unearned confidence.
336
00:14:49,056 --> 00:14:51,458
>> that's true.
337
00:14:51,458 --> 00:14:54,194
You know how everybody has a
338
00:14:54,194 --> 00:14:55,963
Voice inside them that tells
339
00:14:55,963 --> 00:14:57,998
Them who they are, mine says
340
00:14:57,998 --> 00:14:59,532
You're so awesome and bold and
341
00:14:59,532 --> 00:15:01,068
Beautiful and strong and no
342
00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:05,238
Matter what, you can do
343
00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:05,505
Anything.
344
00:15:05,505 --> 00:15:07,407
>> mine just says wine and
345
00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:09,342
Cheeses are not a meal.
346
00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:11,178
>> that's so sad.
347
00:15:11,178 --> 00:15:14,147
Anyway, look, the problem is
348
00:15:14,147 --> 00:15:16,349
That like charlotte's so cool
349
00:15:16,349 --> 00:15:18,185
That she's twisting me up and
350
00:15:18,185 --> 00:15:20,520
That voice I have is gone.
351
00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:24,191
>> you're the best, danny.
352
00:15:24,191 --> 00:15:27,961
You're so beautiful and bold and
353
00:15:27,961 --> 00:15:28,195
Strong.
354
00:15:28,195 --> 00:15:33,166
>> man, what are you doing?
355
00:15:33,166 --> 00:15:36,069
>> I'm saying I'll be the voice
356
00:15:36,069 --> 00:15:37,971
In your head it you need it,
357
00:15:37,971 --> 00:15:39,406
Man, because you have a chance
358
00:15:39,406 --> 00:15:42,109
At something real here.
359
00:15:42,109 --> 00:15:44,311
Every day I go into that bar and
360
00:15:44,311 --> 00:15:47,180
Hangout with a girl I'm crazy
361
00:15:47,180 --> 00:15:49,516
About in hopes that one day if I
362
00:15:49,516 --> 00:15:51,251
Wait long enough something real
363
00:15:51,251 --> 00:15:52,519
Could happen.
364
00:15:52,519 --> 00:15:54,487
You're so lucky you don't have
365
00:15:54,487 --> 00:16:04,197
To miss your chance, man.
366
00:16:04,197 --> 00:16:14,541
[ cheers and applause]
367
00:16:14,541 --> 00:16:20,213
>> never speak of this moment.
368
00:16:20,213 --> 00:16:24,351
[ laughter]
369
00:16:24,351 --> 00:16:26,119
>> I kissed your sister.
370
00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:29,089
*
371
00:16:32,459 --> 00:16:39,032
*
372
00:16:39,032 --> 00:16:40,133
[ knock at door]
373
00:16:40,133 --> 00:16:43,636
>> thank you again for hosting a
374
00:16:43,636 --> 00:16:45,572
Party at my friend's bar.
375
00:16:45,572 --> 00:16:46,439
Will you go settle up with the
376
00:16:46,439 --> 00:16:48,241
Bar tender and make sure you
377
00:16:48,241 --> 00:16:49,642
Give him a big tip.
378
00:16:49,642 --> 00:16:52,279
>> oh, he already did.
379
00:16:52,279 --> 00:16:54,447
>> oh, good one, shelly.
380
00:16:54,447 --> 00:16:55,182
Ha-ha.
381
00:16:55,182 --> 00:16:56,583
>> justin here has something
382
00:16:56,583 --> 00:16:59,186
He'd like to say to you.
383
00:16:59,186 --> 00:16:59,519
You're up.
384
00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:00,420
>> hello.
385
00:17:00,420 --> 00:17:02,055
>> hi.
386
00:17:02,055 --> 00:17:05,192
>> suzy, when you and doug go
387
00:17:05,192 --> 00:17:07,560
Out for ice cream, you split a
388
00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:09,629
Hot fudge sunday, do you get it
389
00:17:09,629 --> 00:17:15,602
With all the works, the
390
00:17:15,602 --> 00:17:17,270
Sprinkles the whipped cream?
391
00:17:17,270 --> 00:17:20,340
>> no, doug hates nuts.
392
00:17:20,340 --> 00:17:22,109
>> that's where you're wrong.
393
00:17:22,109 --> 00:17:24,277
>> you know that old saying if
394
00:17:24,277 --> 00:17:26,213
You can't say anything nice, let
395
00:17:26,213 --> 00:17:28,348
Your boss marry a gay guy.
396
00:17:28,348 --> 00:17:30,617
>> oh, good, charlotte, you're
397
00:17:30,617 --> 00:17:32,619
Still here, can we talk?
398
00:17:32,619 --> 00:17:35,355
>> sure, let me just say good
399
00:17:35,355 --> 00:17:37,090
Bye to my friends here.
400
00:17:37,090 --> 00:17:40,227
>> good to see you again.
401
00:17:40,227 --> 00:17:42,229
So, cool move bringing the hot
402
00:17:42,229 --> 00:17:45,298
Guy to the party for my friend,
403
00:17:45,298 --> 00:17:45,698
Brett.
404
00:17:45,698 --> 00:17:48,301
You guys old friends or what?
405
00:17:48,301 --> 00:17:49,636
>> excuse me?
406
00:17:49,636 --> 00:17:52,372
>> well, I'm just wondering how
407
00:17:52,372 --> 00:17:57,110
You know brett 's boyfriend.
408
00:17:57,110 --> 00:17:59,412
>> what?
409
00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:00,247
>> no.
410
00:18:00,247 --> 00:18:02,315
No, danny, no boyfriend.
411
00:18:02,315 --> 00:18:04,551
>> oh, gotcha.
412
00:18:04,551 --> 00:18:06,319
Message received.
413
00:18:06,319 --> 00:18:09,322
How long have you known the guy
414
00:18:09,322 --> 00:18:13,460
Who brett is having sex with?
415
00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:15,462
>> what are you talking about?
416
00:18:15,462 --> 00:18:20,667
>> I feel like I'm being very
417
00:18:20,667 --> 00:18:21,201
Clear.
418
00:18:21,201 --> 00:18:27,240
He had sexual intercourse with
419
00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:31,378
Him and I'm wondering how you
420
00:18:31,378 --> 00:18:32,479
Know him.
421
00:18:32,479 --> 00:18:33,646
>> you're gay?
422
00:18:33,646 --> 00:18:35,548
Are you kidding me?
423
00:18:35,548 --> 00:18:38,251
>> whoa, whoa, whoa, lady.
424
00:18:38,251 --> 00:18:39,686
It is 2015.
425
00:18:39,686 --> 00:18:40,287
Okay.
426
00:18:40,287 --> 00:18:42,555
Give me one good reason why he
427
00:18:42,555 --> 00:18:45,392
Can't have hot sex with that man
428
00:18:45,392 --> 00:18:46,159
Over there.
429
00:18:46,159 --> 00:18:50,530
>> because he's my fiance.
430
00:18:50,530 --> 00:18:53,533
>> that's actually a really good
431
00:18:53,533 --> 00:18:53,766
Reason.
432
00:18:53,766 --> 00:18:59,406
[ cheers and applause]
433
00:18:59,406 --> 00:19:04,244
>> buy, suz, love you, mean it.
434
00:19:04,244 --> 00:19:04,644
Good job.
435
00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:07,314
>> wow, guys, you know what, I'm
436
00:19:07,314 --> 00:19:08,715
Glad that this happened because
437
00:19:08,715 --> 00:19:10,283
People should know what they're
438
00:19:10,283 --> 00:19:11,451
Get nothing to before they start
439
00:19:11,451 --> 00:19:12,285
A relationship.
440
00:19:12,285 --> 00:19:14,487
So, yeah, for suzy maybe that
441
00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:16,256
Means she needs to decide if she
442
00:19:16,256 --> 00:19:18,591
Wants to marry a guy who is fine
443
00:19:18,591 --> 00:19:22,195
With kissing other guys.
444
00:19:22,195 --> 00:19:23,596
[ laughter]
445
00:19:23,596 --> 00:19:27,400
>> yes, and for you, danny, it
446
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,502
Means deciding whether or not
447
00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:31,338
You're grown up enough to date
448
00:19:31,338 --> 00:19:33,273
My awesome friend who just so
449
00:19:33,273 --> 00:19:38,745
Happens to have a child.
450
00:19:38,745 --> 00:19:40,747
If it was up to me, I'd ask her
451
00:19:40,747 --> 00:19:43,783
Out again but are you chicken.
452
00:19:43,783 --> 00:19:46,519
>> you're the best, danny.
453
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:49,422
[ laughter and applause]
454
00:19:49,422 --> 00:19:52,425
>> thanks, voice inside danny's
455
00:19:52,425 --> 00:19:52,692
Head.
456
00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:54,727
Look, I'm sorry I chickened out
457
00:19:54,727 --> 00:19:56,696
The first time and I'd love
458
00:19:56,696 --> 00:19:57,697
Another chance if you're up'd
459
00:19:57,697 --> 00:19:58,197
Love to take you out to
460
00:19:58,197 --> 00:19:58,398
Pizza.
461
00:19:58,398 --> 00:20:00,667
>> sorry, you knew it.
462
00:20:00,667 --> 00:20:03,336
Just kidding, I was pretending I
463
00:20:03,336 --> 00:20:06,273
Had self esteem.
464
00:20:06,273 --> 00:20:07,274
>> yep.
465
00:20:07,274 --> 00:20:08,841
I knew this would all work out.
466
00:20:08,841 --> 00:20:13,513
>> hey, no you didn't, all
467
00:20:13,513 --> 00:20:14,381
Right.
468
00:20:14,381 --> 00:20:16,549
>> choir.
469
00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:26,259
*
470
00:20:26,259 --> 00:20:28,395
* those are the facts of life
471
00:20:28,395 --> 00:20:34,267
That I would know what *
472
00:20:34,267 --> 00:20:39,472
* life looks like from above and
473
00:20:39,472 --> 00:20:40,473
Down below *
474
00:20:40,473 --> 00:20:42,809
* I keep you safe I keep you dry
475
00:20:42,809 --> 00:20:48,315
Don't be afraid to *
476
00:20:48,315 --> 00:21:04,831
* and you're the sky oh oh oh oh
477
00:21:04,831 --> 00:21:08,701
I'm going to amsterdam dinner
478
00:21:08,701 --> 00:21:12,505
Around the world with a
479
00:21:12,505 --> 00:21:12,905
Congressman *
480
00:21:12,905 --> 00:21:14,707
>> all new "Truth be told"
481
00:21:14,707 --> 00:21:19,679
Starts right now.
29900
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