Original subtitles

>>> hey, shel, haven't seen you

For a few days.

Where you been?

>> this week has been all about

Giving hugs.

Hugged my french friends because

They needed it.

Hugged my muslim friends because

They needed it, too.

[ laughter ]

.

There's been a lot going on.

I wish you could just travel

Around the world giving hugs.

>> I will!

You think I'm afraid of isis?

Bitch, I'm from detroit.

[ applause ]

>> hey, I've got lady coming by

In a little bit so I want to

Look hot.

Tell me, do I look cool with

This casual pose?

[ laughter ]

>> when would anybody ever stand

Like that?

>> I don't know, maybe I'm doing

A super sexy photo shoot while

Fending off my enemies.

Back off, enemies!

Back off.

Take a road photo shoot!

>> danny, if you want to

Turn a woman on with a pose, you

Should pose like this.

>> what the hell are you doing?

>> I'm doing the laundry.

[ applause ]

>> okay.

You know --

I know I'm acting right now a

Little bit -- what's the word we

Always use to describe justin?

>> oh, puffy.

Chunky!

>> no, no, no.

Not that.

Neurotic.

That's what it is.

>> I'm not neurotic.

Do you think I'm neurotic?

Is that something you talk

About?

Be honest.

The way you're looking at me, I

Feel you talk about this.

You know what?

I don't care.

Who am I kidding.

I care.

Does everybody hate me?

Do you ever think we'll get a

Movie.

>> not after this show.

Anyway, the reason I'm acting

Neurotic is because the lady

That's coming is the woman I

Lost my virginity to.

When I was a 17-year-old kid, I

Used to wait tables at a really

Fine dining place and this

Really hot 31-year-old executive

Named jackie came in, and when

She asked for dinner, I offered

Her dessert, she said she's like

Some hot coitus.

After a confusing and

Embarrassing conversation with

The head chef, I became a man.

[ cheers and applause ]

>> that actually reminds me of

My first time.

That night was scary as hell.

>> ah.

Why?

Because you were nervous?

>> no.

Because we did it at a clan

Rally.

[ laughter ]

>> guys, can we not talk about

This in front of mo, he's still

A virgin.

>> well, my leg would beg to

Differ.

>> well, jackie's the worst, she

Played games with danny's heart

For years and crushed his

Self-esteem.

I wouldn't want her to get you

Under yore spell again.

>> oh, really?

Does jack vi a spell, leslie, is

She a witch?

A saying like hocus-pocus, what

Is it?

Abracadabra?

Tell me her spell.

This little show going sit here

And nobody's going to say a word

Until you say, "Abracadabra."

[ cheers and applause ]

>> abracadabra.

[ applause ]

>> you owe me $10.

Listen --

I'm going to destroy her.

Okay?

When that little jackie walks

Through with her all bunched up

Body, all squiggly and wrinkly

Like a humpback and walks in,

Look in her one good eye and I'm

Going to say --

Oh, hey, jackie.

You look really pretty.

>> I know, right.

Go get me a glass of wine.

>> okay.

[ laughter ]

>> you got something to say

Marijuana breath?

[ laughter ]

>> watching you boss around a

Grown man like that.

I think it's funny.

[ laughter ]

Look at him getting that wine.

>> you know what?

I'm also going to need a pastry

From that shop down the street.

>> yes, ma'am.

[ laughter ]

[ cheers and applause ]

* we'll be all right, don't

Mind, find me where the wild

Things are *

We'll be just all right *

Don't mind, oh, yeah *

We'll be where the wild ones

Are *

These eggshells you tell me to

Trend I'd rather be a wild one

Instead *

* don't want to hang around the

In crowd, the cool kids, not

Cool to me *

Because they're not cool and so,

Hey, we get down we dance *

No mistaken, we make our

Breaks *

And leave us alone 'cause we

Don't need your kind *

We have no apologies, find me

Where the wild kids are *

We'll be all right *

So fine, that's right *

Find me where the wild kids

Are *

Real cool, don't mind us, yeah,

Find me where the wild things

Are **

[ cheers and applause ]

>>> I want to do that kiss where

I bite your lip and then pull it

Away a little bit.

Like --

Hmm.

Hmm -- hmm.

>> I think you're actually --

You caught my lip.

>> all right.

>> I can't believe two weeks

Have passed since those two have

Starting dating.

>> seems like only a minute ago

We were meeting her and wearing

Completely different clothes!

[ laughter ]

>> do me a favor.

Will you get my car washed

Before you pick me up at work

Today, and don't forget to wear

Those jeans that show off your

Little girl ass.

[ laughter ]

>> oh -- oh --

>> what are you guys laughing

At?

>> what are we laughing at?

What are we possibly -- when I

Think about it,

Two weeks ago you said you were

Going to destroy her, and now --

Can I get a jazz hands tunnel?

* you're her bitch

[ cheers and applause ]

>> you know what?

That is 1 00% false.

>> I don't know.

My brother bred poodles for a

Living, so I know a blue ribbon

Bitch when I see one.

>> we're not talk about the

Playful bitch, like, yeah,

What's up, bitch?

>> leave him alone.

>> okay.

Thanks, bursk.

>> he thanksed me.

What a bitch!

>> how come you get all the

Lines and we don't even get to

Talk.

>> I barely understood that.

Hey, you know what, dude, okay.

See whatvolved to,

You shouldn't be commenting ban

Candace fights all your battles.

>> that's not --

>> shh-shh.

Are you talking about my man?

You step to him you got to step

To me.

Do you want to dance?

>> hey -- hey, no,esse, no

Essay.

>> am I doing things for jackie?

Of course I'm doing things nor

Jackie.

I get out of it, sexual

Lockdown.

Seriously when my penis gets

Inducted to the penis al of fame

None of you are getting invited

To the penis hall of fame and

It's going to be a heck of a

Speech.

Today, today, today, is the

Luckiest, day, day, day -- in my

Entire penis, penis, penis,

Life, life, life.

I am having the best penis life,

Life, life, in the whole penis

World, world, world, world.

>> I'm a big fan.

[ cheers and applause ]

>> look, I know you think it's

Fun toy see danny wrapped around

Jackie's finger, but when he was

A kid she didn't just hurt him,

She damaged him.

He changed as a person.

>> okay.

We're talking about grown-up

Danny here.

No one can change him.

[ laughter ]

>> what jo do I got three heads?

What are you looking at?

>> in the words of janice, my

Favorite secondary character

From the hit tv show "Friends,"

"Oh -- my -- god."

[ applause ]

>> jackie played you do this.

Didn't she?

>> no.

No, no.

That's not true.

I actually did it off of my own

Volition.

I think it looks -- ah --

Awesome.

>> you look like someone who

Races hot air balloons for fun.

>> jackie is trying to change

You back into the kid she can

Control.

This is what you used to look

Like back then.

Look at this picture of him from

High school.

>> oh, my god.

Neatly tucked in shirt.

The bad hair.

We would have been best friends!

>> funny.

I couldn't even end it with

Jackie even if I wanted to.

She's some sort of sexual

Wizard.

Seriously.

She's like dumbledore and does

Pilates and shaves herself all

Over.

>> I don't think I read that

"Harry potter" book.

>> dan, it's simple.

Just stop sleeping with her.

>> wait a second.

Did you just turn yourself into

Sofia vergara because whatever

Is coming out of your mouth I

Cannot understand.

>> don't have sex way girl,

Don't have sex with a girl,

Don't have sex with a girl.

>> dude, how would I do that?

>> first, how do you do it?

>> generally, I just speak to

Them and that kind of thing

Happens on its own.

You know?

>> to be fair, it's easier to

Make an excuse to not have sex

When you're a girl.

>> I'm tired, I'm hungry, I got

In a fight with my mom, or, ooh,

"Dateline's ".

>> yeah.

>> I had a bad day at work.

You never talked to me about my

Day and my personal favorite, it

Ain't happening tonight.

You take care of you.

[ laughter ]

>> hey, dummy.

>> hey, don't worry about it.

I've got this.

>> so -- let's get out of here,

Because I want to take a bubble

Back and see how long you can

Hold your breath under water.

>> oh, my god!

[ laughter ]

[ cheers ]

>> yeah, I'm okay.

I'm much better -- now.

Yeah, yeah.

Now I'm better.

>> let's hit the road.

>> no, no.

No.

No, jackie.

Also, "Dateline" is on.

[ laughter ]

>> go get in the car.

>> okay.

Hey, guyance,, sorry, but I

Couldn't really do what I was

Supposed to do, because you

Know, because she --

[ laughter ]

>> hey, jackie, before you go,

This might not be my place to

Say, but I don't

Think you're right for danny.

Not right now.

>> what did you just say to me?

>> uh-oh.

I think you made it mad.

[ laughter ]

>> look -- what I'm --

Okay.

What I'm trying --

>> I can't --

>> I'm nervous.

>> what I'm trying to say.

>> yeah, yeah?

>> I don't want to get involved

But when it comes to my boy --

>> oh.

He's not your boy anymore.

He's my boy now.

So you and both your chins

Better step off.

>> hey, nobody talks about my

Man like that -- ooh!

>> not now, powder puff.

This isn't a disney show.

[ applause ]

>> um -- brett, could you please

Take this to table 3, please?

>> does anyone else need their

Face squished?

No?

Good.

This little scene is over.

>> I'm the only person that says

The last thing at the end --

>> nope.

>> your hand smells pretty nice.

[ cheers and applause ]

>>> you know, I don't know if I

Want to get my hair cut.

>> too bad.

You look to much like me from

Behind.

I'm going to go google, "How to

Cut hair."

[ laughter ]

>> ka-kaw!

>> what are you doing here?

>> here to rescue you.

>> jackie squished me.

>> you don't think I know that.

What do you think she was

Bragging about all the way here.

>> are you going to tell her not

To squish our faces?

>> of course not.

I don't want to get my face

Squished.

Okay?

So just shut up.

>> you're the only one talking

Right now.

>> and you shouldn't tell us to

Shut up because it's rude and

We're here to help you.

>> I've not news for you.

>> shut up -- shut up --

>> hey, danny -- oh, forget it.

Forget it.

>> hey -- hey -- hey -- hey --

Hey -- all right.

Whatever you guys got to say,

Just say it, but be quiet about

It.

>> forget jackie.

You shouldn't be with her.

You aren't you.

>> oh, my gosh.

Hey, hurt me?

Hurt me?

Do you subscribe to liars

Weekly?

Nobody hurts me.

I'm unhurtable.

Okay?

Seriously.

You know the song by r.E.M.?

Everybody hurts.

Once I went to their concerts

And the band took me backstage

And literally apologized to me

For naming the song "Everybody

Hurts"'s they did.

They were like, hey, man, with

Know when we first wrote this I

Thought literally everybody

Hurted, but now, looking at you

In the audience, we changed our

Minds.

[ applause ]

>> would you pull yourself

Together?

You're drooling all over

Yourself!

>> danny, just --

[ applause ]

>> knock it off!

All right.

We all know, know for a fact

That everybodier in happened.

That would never happen.

Just come with us.

You got to get out of here now!

>> I'm not moving.

I'm putting my butt right on

This couch, and I'm not moving.

>> what are you selling?

Cappuccino?

>> the only thing I know how to

Do.

>> guys, let's go.

Come on.

>> are you serious?

>> danny -- danny --

Oh, never mind.

>> hoop going to open the door,

Idiots?

[ cheers and applause ]

>>> ah.

>> thanks for the lift.

[ laughter ]

>> I don't know who that was,

But who cares.

You're never going to be free of

Jackie unless you admit she hurt

You.

All right?

You've got to tell her.

Enough to do it by myself.

>> all right.

Guys, couch moment.

>> look, you don't have to do it

By yourself.

>> yeah.

You have us.

>> yeah, man.

>> like, you remember that time,

And I know you're scared of

Jackie, but you remember that

Time we went and saw ""Guardians

Of the galaxy."

>> yeah.

>> is that the movie with the

Tiny raccoon that looks exactly

Like justin?

>> I get it!

>> zeros in on your biggest

Insecurity.

>> wow.

From behind, like, three of you

Have bald spots.

>> come on, dummy.

>> let's go.

>> okay.

>> hold on, missy.

He's not going anywhere.

>> oh, pipe down, guy who's

Realized timely that she's too

Good for him.

>> one step closer to the edge.

>> all right, look, you leathery

Alligator if you're going to

Mess with my brother, you're

Going to have to go through me.

>> oh, please.

With that haircut?

You're like one adidas track

Suit away from jane lynch.

[ laughter ]

>> oh, yeah?

When "The drew carey show" was

On, I was 5.

[ applause ]

>> she's never going to love

You, buddy.

>> oh -- you got laid more when

You were straight.

And you --

The dog on "Frasier" was better.

[ laughter ]

Anyone else?

>> oh, I believe I'll pass.

Look, jackie, you know what?

You don't get to talk to my

Friends that way.

I get it.

When I was 17 I was a kid and

You turned me into a crazy

Egotistical maniac.

But you know what?

You also did some bad things to

Me, too.

Okay?

I mean, because of you I don't

Trust women anymore.

You really hurt me, but thanks

To all of these friends,

Especially this little tiny

Raccoon friend, they're all

Helping me to be a better

Person.

So you know what?

Good-bye, jackie, and don't come

Back.

>> oh, no!

Well -- what -- will -- I -- do?

You're my everything?

Oh.

See you around, dummy.

[ applause ]

>> you finally defeated your

Archenemy.

On "Guardians of the galaxy,"

Beat the bad guy.

>> did the slow motion hero

Walk.

**

* I am, I know, since I came to

Kick it, but really I would

Rather be at home *

* all by myself not in the room

With people who don't even know

My well-being, I don't dance, I

Don't act *

* I don't need a boyfriend so

You can't go back *

Please enjoy your party **