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>>> hey, shel, haven't seen you
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For a few days.
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Where you been?
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>> this week has been all about
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Giving hugs.
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Hugged my french friends because
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They needed it.
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Hugged my muslim friends because
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They needed it, too.
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[ laughter ]
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.
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There's been a lot going on.
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I wish you could just travel
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Around the world giving hugs.
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>> I will!
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You think I'm afraid of isis?
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Bitch, I'm from detroit.
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[ applause ]
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>> hey, I've got lady coming by
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In a little bit so I want to
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Look hot.
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Tell me, do I look cool with
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This casual pose?
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[ laughter ]
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>> when would anybody ever stand
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Like that?
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>> I don't know, maybe I'm doing
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A super sexy photo shoot while
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Fending off my enemies.
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Back off, enemies!
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Back off.
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Take a road photo shoot!
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>> danny, if you want to
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Turn a woman on with a pose, you
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Should pose like this.
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>> what the hell are you doing?
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>> I'm doing the laundry.
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[ applause ]
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>> okay.
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You know --
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I know I'm acting right now a
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Little bit -- what's the word we
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Always use to describe justin?
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>> oh, puffy.
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Chunky!
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>> no, no, no.
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Not that.
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Neurotic.
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That's what it is.
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>> I'm not neurotic.
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Do you think I'm neurotic?
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Is that something you talk
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About?
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Be honest.
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The way you're looking at me, I
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Feel you talk about this.
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You know what?
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I don't care.
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Who am I kidding.
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I care.
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Does everybody hate me?
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Do you ever think we'll get a
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Movie.
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>> not after this show.
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Anyway, the reason I'm acting
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Neurotic is because the lady
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That's coming is the woman I
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Lost my virginity to.
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When I was a 17-year-old kid, I
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Used to wait tables at a really
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Fine dining place and this
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Really hot 31-year-old executive
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Named jackie came in, and when
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She asked for dinner, I offered
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Her dessert, she said she's like
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Some hot coitus.
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After a confusing and
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Embarrassing conversation with
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The head chef, I became a man.
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[ cheers and applause ]
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>> that actually reminds me of
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My first time.
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That night was scary as hell.
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>> ah.
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Why?
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Because you were nervous?
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>> no.
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Because we did it at a clan
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Rally.
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[ laughter ]
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>> guys, can we not talk about
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This in front of mo, he's still
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A virgin.
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>> well, my leg would beg to
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Differ.
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>> well, jackie's the worst, she
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Played games with danny's heart
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For years and crushed his
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Self-esteem.
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I wouldn't want her to get you
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Under yore spell again.
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>> oh, really?
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Does jack vi a spell, leslie, is
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She a witch?
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A saying like hocus-pocus, what
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Is it?
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Abracadabra?
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Tell me her spell.
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This little show going sit here
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And nobody's going to say a word
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Until you say, "Abracadabra."
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[ cheers and applause ]
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>> abracadabra.
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[ applause ]
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>> you owe me $10.
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Listen --
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I'm going to destroy her.
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Okay?
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When that little jackie walks
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Through with her all bunched up
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Body, all squiggly and wrinkly
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Like a humpback and walks in,
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Look in her one good eye and I'm
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Going to say --
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Oh, hey, jackie.
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You look really pretty.
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>> I know, right.
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Go get me a glass of wine.
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>> okay.
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[ laughter ]
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>> you got something to say
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Marijuana breath?
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[ laughter ]
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>> watching you boss around a
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Grown man like that.
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I think it's funny.
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[ laughter ]
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Look at him getting that wine.
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>> you know what?
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I'm also going to need a pastry
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From that shop down the street.
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>> yes, ma'am.
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[ laughter ]
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[ cheers and applause ]
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* we'll be all right, don't
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Mind, find me where the wild
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Things are *
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We'll be just all right *
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Don't mind, oh, yeah *
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We'll be where the wild ones
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Are *
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These eggshells you tell me to
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Trend I'd rather be a wild one
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Instead *
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* don't want to hang around the
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In crowd, the cool kids, not
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Cool to me *
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Because they're not cool and so,
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Hey, we get down we dance *
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No mistaken, we make our
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Breaks *
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And leave us alone 'cause we
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Don't need your kind *
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We have no apologies, find me
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Where the wild kids are *
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We'll be all right *
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So fine, that's right *
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Find me where the wild kids
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Are *
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Real cool, don't mind us, yeah,
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Find me where the wild things
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Are **
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[ cheers and applause ]
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>>> I want to do that kiss where
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I bite your lip and then pull it
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Away a little bit.
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Like --
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Hmm.
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Hmm -- hmm.
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>> I think you're actually --
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You caught my lip.
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>> all right.
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>> I can't believe two weeks
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Have passed since those two have
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Starting dating.
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>> seems like only a minute ago
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We were meeting her and wearing
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Completely different clothes!
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[ laughter ]
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>> do me a favor.
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Will you get my car washed
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Before you pick me up at work
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Today, and don't forget to wear
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Those jeans that show off your
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Little girl ass.
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[ laughter ]
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>> oh -- oh --
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>> what are you guys laughing
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At?
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>> what are we laughing at?
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What are we possibly -- when I
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Think about it,
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Two weeks ago you said you were
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Going to destroy her, and now --
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Can I get a jazz hands tunnel?
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* you're her bitch
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[ cheers and applause ]
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>> you know what?
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That is 1 00% false.
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>> I don't know.
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My brother bred poodles for a
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Living, so I know a blue ribbon
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Bitch when I see one.
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>> we're not talk about the
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Playful bitch, like, yeah,
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What's up, bitch?
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>> leave him alone.
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>> okay.
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Thanks, bursk.
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>> he thanksed me.
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What a bitch!
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>> how come you get all the
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Lines and we don't even get to
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Talk.
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>> I barely understood that.
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Hey, you know what, dude, okay.
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See whatvolved to,
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You shouldn't be commenting ban
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Candace fights all your battles.
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>> that's not --
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>> shh-shh.
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Are you talking about my man?
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You step to him you got to step
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To me.
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Do you want to dance?
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>> hey -- hey, no,esse, no
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Essay.
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>> am I doing things for jackie?
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Of course I'm doing things nor
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Jackie.
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I get out of it, sexual
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Lockdown.
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Seriously when my penis gets
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Inducted to the penis al of fame
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None of you are getting invited
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To the penis hall of fame and
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It's going to be a heck of a
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Speech.
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Today, today, today, is the
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Luckiest, day, day, day -- in my
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Entire penis, penis, penis,
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Life, life, life.
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I am having the best penis life,
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Life, life, in the whole penis
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World, world, world, world.
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>> I'm a big fan.
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[ cheers and applause ]
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>> look, I know you think it's
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Fun toy see danny wrapped around
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Jackie's finger, but when he was
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A kid she didn't just hurt him,
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She damaged him.
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He changed as a person.
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>> okay.
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We're talking about grown-up
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Danny here.
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No one can change him.
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[ laughter ]
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>> what jo do I got three heads?
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What are you looking at?
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>> in the words of janice, my
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Favorite secondary character
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From the hit tv show "Friends,"
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"Oh -- my -- god."
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[ applause ]
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>> jackie played you do this.
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Didn't she?
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>> no.
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No, no.
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That's not true.
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I actually did it off of my own
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Volition.
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I think it looks -- ah --
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Awesome.
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>> you look like someone who
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Races hot air balloons for fun.
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>> jackie is trying to change
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You back into the kid she can
289
00:10:20,087 --> 00:10:20,320
Control.
290
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:22,656
This is what you used to look
291
00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:23,390
Like back then.
292
00:10:23,390 --> 00:10:25,392
Look at this picture of him from
293
00:10:25,392 --> 00:10:26,193
High school.
294
00:10:26,193 --> 00:10:27,961
>> oh, my god.
295
00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:29,663
Neatly tucked in shirt.
296
00:10:29,663 --> 00:10:30,230
The bad hair.
297
00:10:30,230 --> 00:10:37,204
We would have been best friends!
298
00:10:37,204 --> 00:10:38,071
>> funny.
299
00:10:38,071 --> 00:10:39,973
I couldn't even end it with
300
00:10:39,973 --> 00:10:42,676
Jackie even if I wanted to.
301
00:10:42,676 --> 00:10:43,944
She's some sort of sexual
302
00:10:43,944 --> 00:10:44,945
Wizard.
303
00:10:44,945 --> 00:10:45,679
Seriously.
304
00:10:45,679 --> 00:10:50,350
She's like dumbledore and does
305
00:10:50,350 --> 00:10:51,952
Pilates and shaves herself all
306
00:10:51,952 --> 00:10:54,221
Over.
307
00:10:54,221 --> 00:10:56,423
>> I don't think I read that
308
00:10:56,423 --> 00:11:01,394
"Harry potter" book.
309
00:11:01,394 --> 00:11:02,295
>> dan, it's simple.
310
00:11:02,295 --> 00:11:04,097
Just stop sleeping with her.
311
00:11:04,097 --> 00:11:04,497
>> wait a second.
312
00:11:04,497 --> 00:11:06,233
Did you just turn yourself into
313
00:11:06,233 --> 00:11:07,267
Sofia vergara because whatever
314
00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:07,868
Is coming out of your mouth I
315
00:11:07,868 --> 00:11:15,242
Cannot understand.
316
00:11:15,242 --> 00:11:17,310
>> don't have sex way girl,
317
00:11:17,310 --> 00:11:19,279
Don't have sex with a girl,
318
00:11:19,279 --> 00:11:21,181
Don't have sex with a girl.
319
00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:28,421
>> dude, how would I do that?
320
00:11:28,421 --> 00:11:33,794
>> first, how do you do it?
321
00:11:33,794 --> 00:11:34,394
>> generally, I just speak to
322
00:11:34,394 --> 00:11:35,262
Them and that kind of thing
323
00:11:35,262 --> 00:11:35,695
Happens on its own.
324
00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:36,396
You know?
325
00:11:36,396 --> 00:11:40,433
>> to be fair, it's easier to
326
00:11:40,433 --> 00:11:42,202
Make an excuse to not have sex
327
00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:43,003
When you're a girl.
328
00:11:43,003 --> 00:11:45,138
>> I'm tired, I'm hungry, I got
329
00:11:45,138 --> 00:11:45,773
In a fight with my mom, or, ooh,
330
00:11:45,773 --> 00:11:46,106
"Dateline's ".
331
00:11:46,106 --> 00:11:46,339
>> yeah.
332
00:11:46,339 --> 00:11:48,308
>> I had a bad day at work.
333
00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:50,143
You never talked to me about my
334
00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:52,145
Day and my personal favorite, it
335
00:11:52,145 --> 00:11:52,645
Ain't happening tonight.
336
00:11:52,645 --> 00:11:53,480
You take care of you.
337
00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:57,417
[ laughter ]
338
00:11:57,417 --> 00:11:58,752
>> hey, dummy.
339
00:11:58,752 --> 00:12:00,153
>> hey, don't worry about it.
340
00:12:00,153 --> 00:12:08,061
I've got this.
341
00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:09,096
>> so -- let's get out of here,
342
00:12:09,096 --> 00:12:10,430
Because I want to take a bubble
343
00:12:10,430 --> 00:12:12,766
Back and see how long you can
344
00:12:12,766 --> 00:12:13,366
Hold your breath under water.
345
00:12:13,366 --> 00:12:18,438
>> oh, my god!
346
00:12:18,438 --> 00:12:21,241
[ laughter ]
347
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:34,321
[ cheers ]
348
00:12:34,321 --> 00:12:36,189
>> yeah, I'm okay.
349
00:12:36,189 --> 00:12:38,191
I'm much better -- now.
350
00:12:38,191 --> 00:12:39,326
Yeah, yeah.
351
00:12:39,326 --> 00:12:42,796
Now I'm better.
352
00:12:42,796 --> 00:12:43,797
>> let's hit the road.
353
00:12:43,797 --> 00:12:45,065
>> no, no.
354
00:12:45,065 --> 00:12:45,465
No.
355
00:12:45,465 --> 00:12:46,233
No, jackie.
356
00:12:46,233 --> 00:12:51,071
Also, "Dateline" is on.
357
00:12:51,071 --> 00:12:56,409
[ laughter ]
358
00:12:56,409 --> 00:12:58,145
>> go get in the car.
359
00:12:58,145 --> 00:13:04,852
>> okay.
360
00:13:04,852 --> 00:13:06,353
Hey, guyance,, sorry, but I
361
00:13:06,353 --> 00:13:07,387
Couldn't really do what I was
362
00:13:07,387 --> 00:13:08,388
Supposed to do, because you
363
00:13:08,388 --> 00:13:12,359
Know, because she --
364
00:13:12,359 --> 00:13:15,428
[ laughter ]
365
00:13:15,428 --> 00:13:18,298
>> hey, jackie, before you go,
366
00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:18,899
This might not be my place to
367
00:13:18,899 --> 00:13:21,301
Say, but I don't
368
00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:23,103
Think you're right for danny.
369
00:13:23,103 --> 00:13:28,909
Not right now.
370
00:13:28,909 --> 00:13:31,411
>> what did you just say to me?
371
00:13:31,411 --> 00:13:35,515
>> uh-oh.
372
00:13:35,515 --> 00:13:36,583
I think you made it mad.
373
00:13:36,583 --> 00:13:38,285
[ laughter ]
374
00:13:38,285 --> 00:13:39,252
>> look -- what I'm --
375
00:13:39,252 --> 00:13:41,388
Okay.
376
00:13:41,388 --> 00:13:42,389
What I'm trying --
377
00:13:42,389 --> 00:13:43,523
>> I can't --
378
00:13:43,523 --> 00:13:44,191
>> I'm nervous.
379
00:13:44,191 --> 00:13:45,292
>> what I'm trying to say.
380
00:13:45,292 --> 00:13:46,426
>> yeah, yeah?
381
00:13:46,426 --> 00:13:48,328
>> I don't want to get involved
382
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:50,430
But when it comes to my boy --
383
00:13:50,430 --> 00:13:51,298
>> oh.
384
00:13:51,298 --> 00:13:53,433
He's not your boy anymore.
385
00:13:53,433 --> 00:13:55,468
He's my boy now.
386
00:13:55,468 --> 00:14:01,408
So you and both your chins
387
00:14:01,408 --> 00:14:06,413
Better step off.
388
00:14:06,413 --> 00:14:08,281
>> hey, nobody talks about my
389
00:14:08,281 --> 00:14:11,318
Man like that -- ooh!
390
00:14:11,318 --> 00:14:13,453
>> not now, powder puff.
391
00:14:13,453 --> 00:14:14,421
This isn't a disney show.
392
00:14:14,421 --> 00:14:17,424
[ applause ]
393
00:14:17,424 --> 00:14:20,961
>> um -- brett, could you please
394
00:14:20,961 --> 00:14:25,298
Take this to table 3, please?
395
00:14:25,298 --> 00:14:26,166
>> does anyone else need their
396
00:14:26,166 --> 00:14:28,435
Face squished?
397
00:14:28,435 --> 00:14:31,304
No?
398
00:14:31,304 --> 00:14:36,176
Good.
399
00:14:36,176 --> 00:14:41,581
This little scene is over.
400
00:14:41,581 --> 00:14:43,316
>> I'm the only person that says
401
00:14:43,316 --> 00:14:44,384
The last thing at the end --
402
00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:46,519
>> nope.
403
00:14:46,519 --> 00:14:49,589
>> your hand smells pretty nice.
404
00:14:49,589 --> 00:15:00,467
[ cheers and applause ]
405
00:15:00,467 --> 00:15:02,335
>>> you know, I don't know if I
406
00:15:02,335 --> 00:15:03,937
Want to get my hair cut.
407
00:15:03,937 --> 00:15:05,472
>> too bad.
408
00:15:05,472 --> 00:15:07,607
You look to much like me from
409
00:15:07,607 --> 00:15:07,840
Behind.
410
00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:09,542
I'm going to go google, "How to
411
00:15:09,542 --> 00:15:11,244
Cut hair."
412
00:15:11,244 --> 00:15:14,414
[ laughter ]
413
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:17,250
>> ka-kaw!
414
00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:18,518
>> what are you doing here?
415
00:15:18,518 --> 00:15:21,388
>> here to rescue you.
416
00:15:21,388 --> 00:15:22,389
>> jackie squished me.
417
00:15:22,389 --> 00:15:24,357
>> you don't think I know that.
418
00:15:24,357 --> 00:15:25,625
What do you think she was
419
00:15:25,625 --> 00:15:27,360
Bragging about all the way here.
420
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:29,562
>> are you going to tell her not
421
00:15:29,562 --> 00:15:30,630
To squish our faces?
422
00:15:30,630 --> 00:15:31,631
>> of course not.
423
00:15:31,631 --> 00:15:33,633
I don't want to get my face
424
00:15:33,633 --> 00:15:34,267
Squished.
425
00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:34,534
Okay?
426
00:15:34,534 --> 00:15:35,302
So just shut up.
427
00:15:35,302 --> 00:15:36,636
>> you're the only one talking
428
00:15:36,636 --> 00:15:37,304
Right now.
429
00:15:37,304 --> 00:15:38,972
>> and you shouldn't tell us to
430
00:15:38,972 --> 00:15:40,407
Shut up because it's rude and
431
00:15:40,407 --> 00:15:43,243
We're here to help you.
432
00:15:43,243 --> 00:15:45,012
>> I've not news for you.
433
00:15:45,012 --> 00:15:47,414
>> shut up -- shut up --
434
00:15:47,414 --> 00:15:48,548
>> hey, danny -- oh, forget it.
435
00:15:48,548 --> 00:15:51,384
Forget it.
436
00:15:51,384 --> 00:15:54,287
>> hey -- hey -- hey -- hey --
437
00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:55,288
Hey -- all right.
438
00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:56,523
Whatever you guys got to say,
439
00:15:56,523 --> 00:15:58,258
Just say it, but be quiet about
440
00:15:58,258 --> 00:15:58,458
It.
441
00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:00,660
>> forget jackie.
442
00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:03,396
You shouldn't be with her.
443
00:16:03,396 --> 00:16:03,763
You aren't you.
444
00:16:03,763 --> 00:16:05,698
>> oh, my gosh.
445
00:16:05,698 --> 00:16:06,566
Hey, hurt me?
446
00:16:06,566 --> 00:16:07,434
Hurt me?
447
00:16:07,434 --> 00:16:07,967
Do you subscribe to liars
448
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:11,704
Weekly?
449
00:16:11,704 --> 00:16:12,672
Nobody hurts me.
450
00:16:12,672 --> 00:16:13,706
I'm unhurtable.
451
00:16:13,706 --> 00:16:14,407
Okay?
452
00:16:14,407 --> 00:16:14,674
Seriously.
453
00:16:14,674 --> 00:16:17,410
You know the song by r.E.M.?
454
00:16:17,410 --> 00:16:17,777
Everybody hurts.
455
00:16:17,777 --> 00:16:19,579
Once I went to their concerts
456
00:16:19,579 --> 00:16:21,348
And the band took me backstage
457
00:16:21,348 --> 00:16:23,416
And literally apologized to me
458
00:16:23,416 --> 00:16:26,586
For naming the song "Everybody
459
00:16:26,586 --> 00:16:27,554
Hurts"'s they did.
460
00:16:27,554 --> 00:16:30,023
They were like, hey, man, with
461
00:16:30,023 --> 00:16:32,425
Know when we first wrote this I
462
00:16:32,425 --> 00:16:33,493
Thought literally everybody
463
00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:35,095
Hurted, but now, looking at you
464
00:16:35,095 --> 00:16:35,728
In the audience, we changed our
465
00:16:35,728 --> 00:16:40,567
Minds.
466
00:16:40,567 --> 00:16:44,337
[ applause ]
467
00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:46,039
>> would you pull yourself
468
00:16:46,039 --> 00:16:47,040
Together?
469
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:49,042
You're drooling all over
470
00:16:49,042 --> 00:16:51,578
Yourself!
471
00:16:51,578 --> 00:16:53,046
>> danny, just --
472
00:16:53,046 --> 00:16:54,114
[ applause ]
473
00:16:54,114 --> 00:16:55,482
>> knock it off!
474
00:16:55,482 --> 00:16:58,518
All right.
475
00:16:58,518 --> 00:17:00,053
We all know, know for a fact
476
00:17:00,053 --> 00:17:01,054
That everybodier in happened.
477
00:17:01,054 --> 00:17:02,655
That would never happen.
478
00:17:02,655 --> 00:17:04,057
Just come with us.
479
00:17:04,057 --> 00:17:05,592
You got to get out of here now!
480
00:17:05,592 --> 00:17:06,526
>> I'm not moving.
481
00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:07,727
I'm putting my butt right on
482
00:17:07,727 --> 00:17:10,663
This couch, and I'm not moving.
483
00:17:10,663 --> 00:17:13,533
>> what are you selling?
484
00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:13,833
Cappuccino?
485
00:17:13,833 --> 00:17:14,467
>> the only thing I know how to
486
00:17:14,467 --> 00:17:16,769
Do.
487
00:17:16,769 --> 00:17:17,170
>> guys, let's go.
488
00:17:17,170 --> 00:17:21,741
Come on.
489
00:17:21,741 --> 00:17:24,344
>> are you serious?
490
00:17:24,344 --> 00:17:26,146
>> danny -- danny --
491
00:17:26,146 --> 00:17:28,781
Oh, never mind.
492
00:17:28,781 --> 00:17:29,416
>> hoop going to open the door,
493
00:17:29,416 --> 00:17:34,321
Idiots?
494
00:17:38,758 --> 00:17:43,096
[ cheers and applause ]
495
00:17:43,096 --> 00:17:46,166
>>> ah.
496
00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:48,501
>> thanks for the lift.
497
00:17:48,501 --> 00:17:54,374
[ laughter ]
498
00:17:54,374 --> 00:17:55,708
>> I don't know who that was,
499
00:17:55,708 --> 00:17:57,110
But who cares.
500
00:17:57,110 --> 00:17:58,645
You're never going to be free of
501
00:17:58,645 --> 00:18:00,147
Jackie unless you admit she hurt
502
00:18:00,147 --> 00:18:00,413
You.
503
00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:01,114
All right?
504
00:18:01,114 --> 00:18:03,116
You've got to tell her.
505
00:18:03,116 --> 00:18:05,452
Enough to do it by myself.
506
00:18:05,452 --> 00:18:05,785
>> all right.
507
00:18:05,785 --> 00:18:08,655
Guys, couch moment.
508
00:18:08,655 --> 00:18:09,589
>> look, you don't have to do it
509
00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:11,591
By yourself.
510
00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:12,392
>> yeah.
511
00:18:12,392 --> 00:18:12,692
You have us.
512
00:18:12,692 --> 00:18:13,793
>> yeah, man.
513
00:18:13,793 --> 00:18:15,428
>> like, you remember that time,
514
00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:16,796
And I know you're scared of
515
00:18:16,796 --> 00:18:18,665
Jackie, but you remember that
516
00:18:18,665 --> 00:18:24,704
Time we went and saw ""Guardians
517
00:18:24,704 --> 00:18:26,139
Of the galaxy."
518
00:18:26,139 --> 00:18:33,813
>> yeah.
519
00:18:33,813 --> 00:18:34,414
>> is that the movie with the
520
00:18:34,414 --> 00:18:35,047
Tiny raccoon that looks exactly
521
00:18:35,047 --> 00:18:36,549
Like justin?
522
00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:38,851
>> I get it!
523
00:18:38,851 --> 00:18:40,153
>> zeros in on your biggest
524
00:18:40,153 --> 00:18:40,687
Insecurity.
525
00:18:40,687 --> 00:18:42,455
>> wow.
526
00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:43,556
From behind, like, three of you
527
00:18:43,556 --> 00:18:48,561
Have bald spots.
528
00:18:48,561 --> 00:18:51,464
>> come on, dummy.
529
00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:52,832
>> let's go.
530
00:18:52,832 --> 00:18:53,833
>> okay.
531
00:18:53,833 --> 00:18:54,634
>> hold on, missy.
532
00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:57,470
He's not going anywhere.
533
00:18:57,470 --> 00:19:00,507
>> oh, pipe down, guy who's
534
00:19:00,507 --> 00:19:02,175
Realized timely that she's too
535
00:19:02,175 --> 00:19:02,842
Good for him.
536
00:19:02,842 --> 00:19:04,211
>> one step closer to the edge.
537
00:19:04,211 --> 00:19:06,846
>> all right, look, you leathery
538
00:19:06,846 --> 00:19:07,847
Alligator if you're going to
539
00:19:07,847 --> 00:19:08,881
Mess with my brother, you're
540
00:19:08,881 --> 00:19:10,250
Going to have to go through me.
541
00:19:10,250 --> 00:19:12,852
>> oh, please.
542
00:19:12,852 --> 00:19:14,854
With that haircut?
543
00:19:14,854 --> 00:19:17,757
You're like one adidas track
544
00:19:17,757 --> 00:19:22,595
Suit away from jane lynch.
545
00:19:22,595 --> 00:19:25,865
[ laughter ]
546
00:19:25,865 --> 00:19:27,600
>> oh, yeah?
547
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:30,603
When "The drew carey show" was
548
00:19:30,603 --> 00:19:30,903
On, I was 5.
549
00:19:30,903 --> 00:19:33,473
[ applause ]
550
00:19:33,473 --> 00:19:34,040
>> she's never going to love
551
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:37,777
You, buddy.
552
00:19:37,777 --> 00:19:39,612
>> oh -- you got laid more when
553
00:19:39,612 --> 00:19:44,517
You were straight.
554
00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:46,886
And you --
555
00:19:46,886 --> 00:19:49,522
The dog on "Frasier" was better.
556
00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:53,893
[ laughter ]
557
00:19:53,893 --> 00:19:54,494
Anyone else?
558
00:19:54,494 --> 00:19:58,565
>> oh, I believe I'll pass.
559
00:19:58,565 --> 00:19:59,766
Look, jackie, you know what?
560
00:19:59,766 --> 00:20:01,234
You don't get to talk to my
561
00:20:01,234 --> 00:20:01,901
Friends that way.
562
00:20:01,901 --> 00:20:02,802
I get it.
563
00:20:02,802 --> 00:20:04,671
When I was 17 I was a kid and
564
00:20:04,671 --> 00:20:06,639
You turned me into a crazy
565
00:20:06,639 --> 00:20:08,241
Egotistical maniac.
566
00:20:08,241 --> 00:20:10,510
But you know what?
567
00:20:10,510 --> 00:20:11,911
You also did some bad things to
568
00:20:11,911 --> 00:20:12,979
Me, too.
569
00:20:12,979 --> 00:20:13,179
Okay?
570
00:20:13,179 --> 00:20:15,515
I mean, because of you I don't
571
00:20:15,515 --> 00:20:16,549
Trust women anymore.
572
00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:17,784
You really hurt me, but thanks
573
00:20:17,784 --> 00:20:20,253
To all of these friends,
574
00:20:20,253 --> 00:20:23,923
Especially this little tiny
575
00:20:23,923 --> 00:20:25,925
Raccoon friend, they're all
576
00:20:25,925 --> 00:20:26,859
Helping me to be a better
577
00:20:26,859 --> 00:20:27,093
Person.
578
00:20:27,093 --> 00:20:28,928
So you know what?
579
00:20:28,928 --> 00:20:29,562
Good-bye, jackie, and don't come
580
00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:31,298
Back.
581
00:20:31,298 --> 00:20:32,799
>> oh, no!
582
00:20:32,799 --> 00:20:39,739
Well -- what -- will -- I -- do?
583
00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:40,840
You're my everything?
584
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:41,308
Oh.
585
00:20:41,308 --> 00:20:43,343
See you around, dummy.
586
00:20:43,343 --> 00:20:50,683
[ applause ]
587
00:20:50,683 --> 00:20:51,718
>> you finally defeated your
588
00:20:51,718 --> 00:20:53,286
Archenemy.
589
00:20:53,286 --> 00:20:55,622
On "Guardians of the galaxy,"
590
00:20:55,622 --> 00:20:56,289
Beat the bad guy.
591
00:20:56,289 --> 00:20:57,624
>> did the slow motion hero
592
00:20:57,624 --> 00:21:00,593
Walk.
593
00:21:03,363 --> 00:21:16,008
**
594
00:21:16,008 --> 00:21:16,909
* I am, I know, since I came to
595
00:21:16,909 --> 00:21:17,477
Kick it, but really I would
596
00:21:17,477 --> 00:21:17,910
Rather be at home *
597
00:21:17,910 --> 00:21:18,545
* all by myself not in the room
598
00:21:18,545 --> 00:21:21,781
With people who don't even know
599
00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:23,983
My well-being, I don't dance, I
600
00:21:23,983 --> 00:21:24,584
Don't act *
601
00:21:24,584 --> 00:21:25,985
* I don't need a boyfriend so
602
00:21:25,985 --> 00:21:28,855
You can't go back *
603
00:21:28,855 --> 00:21:33,826
Please enjoy your party **
36716
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