Original subtitles

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>> yeah.

There he is!

My bf.

Come join my gf, and my other

Bf.

>> that better not mean black

Friend.

>> first pumpkin candace and I

Ever carved together.

We're gonna put a bad toupee on

Him and call him donald

Trump-kin.

>> that's not going to work.

It's not orange enough.

What are you making, shel?

>> same thing I make every year.

A pumpkin bong.

>> how cute is my lady's

Outfit?

>> I'm pizza rat.

>> I don't get it.

Where's the pizza?

>> mo, come here.

>> if that dog is going to look

Like pizza, you should keep him

Away from me once I spark up

This pumpkin.

>> I'm going to grab my tail and

Get out of here.

>> god, I'm crazy about her.

Thank you, mo.

I'm crazy about her.

Danny, you have to let me know

If I'm ever screwing this up.

I just want her to know I'm

Always thinking about you.

I'm always thinking about you!

>> you're screwing this up.

You're being way too romantic

With her.

There's much easier ways to

Scare off a girl.

Just dance like drake.

You know what I mean.

That stupid video.

>> danny, danny, danny, you

Beautiful, dumb bastard, there's

No such thing as too much

Romance.

>> okay, babe, I'll see you at

The bar, became babe.

>> ding, ding, ding.

Not before you pay the hug toll.

>> what the hell is that?!

>> it's this cute thing justin

Has been doing where I have to

Pay a hug toll every time about

To leave.

Here we go.

All right.

>> ding, ding.

>> rush hour.

You know what that means.

>> hug toll doubles.

Okay.

See you guys.

>> oh, no.

You know what?

My penis just jumped off my body

And ran away.

>> mine wanted to leave, but it

Was afraid it would have to pay

The hug toll.

**

**

**

**

>> iceberg dead ahead.

>> captain of the titanic!

I love it.

>> I got to say that's much

Better than the year you went as

A ghost with a boner.

>> no, I went as a ghost, and

Then I met someone.

>> what are you?

>> I'm jewish wolverine.

He's like regular wolverine

But he has some stomach issues.

>> I don't know what's going on.

>> I don't get it.

What are you?

>> are you a lesbian librarian?

>> I don't have my costume on

Yet.

These are my regular clothes.

[ applause ]

>> man, thank god I made it.

There was a horny police horse

Following me around for, like,

Three blocks.

>> do you want a beer?

>> that means yes.

>> I'm going to surprise candace

With a couples costume.

She's gonna be goldilocks and

I'm gonna be the bear that's

"Just right."

>> uh-oh, you've agitated the

Centaur.

>> whoa boy.

Come there.

Eat some more.

There you go.

>> man, we've all been talking.

You're way too romantic with

Candace.

>> we're worried the

Relationship is new and it's

Hard to tell someone your with

That you don't like something

About them.

>> she's right.

It took me two years to tell my

College girlfriend that I didn't

Like that she was female.

>> you gotta be careful,

Bub-ala.

Jewish wolverine.

This is the way you can ruin a

Relationship.

>> tone it down, man.

>> tone down?

No can do, danny.

My romance does crossfit because

It's all toned up.

Candace loves it.

>> she doesn't.

I'll prove it.

Back up.

Hang on right here.

Bam.

Candace, justin is not in a bar,

Could you come over here and

Talk to me.

Have a seat.

You know how justin has been all

Over the top romantic lately.

Does that get on your nerves at

All?

>> no.

I love it.

I think that it's great.

I mean, yes, he does do a lot of

Stuff like the hug toll, the

Butterfly kisses, cuts all of my

Food into heart-shaped things

And it's kind of hard to sleep

With him constantly rubbing my

Back and whispering in my ear

"I'm right here."

No.

I think it's great.

>> you know your words say one

Thing but your eyes say another.

Look deep into my amulet.

Let the truth free.

>> okay.

All right.

Fine, you guys.

I broke it.

>> that's how bad the truth was.

[ applause ]

>> it drives me crazy to be

Honest with you.

I feel really bad.

I should go tell him.

I'm going to be right back.

>> come on.

[ applause ]

>> is everybody seeing this or

Am I just really high right now?

>> babe, when things slow down

Around here, can we talk about

Something?

>> of course.

Get out of here, you little rat.

I hope you're happy, danny.

A few hours ago I was

Daydreaming about having kids

With that woman.

You're like human birth control.

>> I take that as a compliment

Because I'd actually be great at

Being birth control.

If the woman I was protecting

Didn't want kids, I wouldn't let

A single one of those little

Guys swim into her forbidden

Zone.

Get out of the forbidden zone.

None shall pass!

>> that's something you don't

See every day.

A shirtless man-horse fighting

Off imaginary sperm.

>> oh no.

Oh my god.

There's 5 million more!

>> that's enough, danny!

Justin, you can't just be mad at

Him.

We all did this.

>> who the hell are you supposed

To be?

>> I'm sexy steve jobs.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

This is a huge opportunity.

Yes, candace, is going to tell

You she doesn't love all the

Romance, but do you guys know

What women think is the sexiest

Thing on earth?

>> I'm being optimistic, but I'm

Hoping it's adult men who are

Great at halo five.

>> wrong.

It's half man, horse guy that

Can do this move.

>> no.

It's being able to communicate

Openly with your partner without

Them getting all sulky and

Insecure.

Look, when candace comes to you,

Whatever she says, you just

Say, no problem, I'm work on

That.

Honestly, if any man ever said

That to me, my pants would

Immediately be on the floor.

>> no problem, I'll work on

That.

>> I just don't know if I can

Face her.

I don't want my feelings to get

Hurt.

>> that was me hanging up

Missing persons flyers for your

Testicles.

Dude, it's so easy, okay.

All you got to do is put on your

Armor and nothing comes through,

Dude.

Man up, man.

Watch.

Here.

Let's practice.

Pretend your my girlfriend and

Try to say something that's

Going to hurt my feelings.

>> martha stewart was funnier

Than you.

>> she didn't write her stuff.

>> guys, I can't help it.

When I'm in a relationship I go

In guns ablazing.

Roses, poems, reload.

Compassion, pillow talk.

I know who I am and I know it

Can be much to handle.

I thought I met someone who

Liked me for exactly who I am.

I guess I was wrong.

I guess I'm in love with another

Girl who wants me to be

Different.

>> wait, did you say just say

You're in love with her?

>> justin --

>> I got to go.

>> what?

>> candace, did you think I was

Funnier than ludicrous on the

Bieber roast?

[ applause ]

>> just a second little ghouls.

>> trick or treat!

Apples and toothbrushes?

I will burn this place to the

Ground.

>> what do you guys want?

>> excuse me.

We want you to put on a costume

And come back to the bar and see

Candace.

>> not happening.

>> you guys heard him.

We tried.

Let's leave.

>> thank you.

>> goodbye, justin.

>> why are you guys moving

Closer to me?

>> seize him!

>> what the hell was that about?

>> congratulations.

You're a hero now.

A relationship hero.

Do you understand?

So now just come back to the bar

And talk to candace but maybe

You should do some pushups

First.

I don't know.

>> go back and talk about what?

More of the things I do wrong?

No thanks.

>> you're being such an idiot.

>> no problem.

I'm work on that.

>> why aren't you taking your

Pants off.

>> the one thing that you do

Annoys her.

Big deal.

Good couples change for each

Other.

>> take it to church.

>> she's right, mate.

Leslie is crazy about her

Boyfriend but she spent hours

Crushing him about the stuff she

Doesn't like.

>> I said mike, don't call me

From the car if you're bored.

I want takeout.

I won't make the call.

It's up to you to make the first

Move in the bedroom.

I never will tell you when that

Is.

>> amazing he hasn't proposed to

You yet.

>> are you coming or what?

>> I appreciate the effort.

This is my problem with

Relationships.

I go too fast and fall in love

Way too early and then it

Crumbles.

I just don't think I have it in

Me tonight.

I'm not your hero.

>> mate, for what it's worth, if

Your relationship is sinking,

I'll be your mate.

I'll go down with the ship.

Probably not the right thing.

>> come on, guys.

Let's go.

>> why do you care so much?

>> don't you get it?

We want your relationship to

Work because -- can you say the

Thing my body won't allow me to

Say, please.

>> you're the best guy we know,

Justin.

>> if you can't make a

Relationship work, then what are

The chances the rest of us have?

>> can I get another beer?

>> what's up pooh-bear?

>> you got any honey for me?

>> that sounds like a sexual

Come-on.

>> wow, you're a smart bear,

Too.

>> is there a door over there?

>> what's up?

>> have you seen justin

Anywhere?

>> did I hear someone say hey,

Danny, have you seen justin

Anywhere?

Hello, dame.

You wanted to talk to me

Earlier.

>> yes.

Okay.

So you know how you do all of

Those awesome romantic things

For me, which I really

Appreciate and they're so sweet,

But sometimes it's a little bit

Much.

>> halloween fun.

>> no problem.

I'll work on that.

>> you will?

My god.

I thought you were going to

Freak.

>> come on?

Me.

Anything else?

>> yes.

Since you mention it, there are

A couple of things.

I can't stand it when you sleep

With your socks on and when you

Kiss with your eyes open.

It's kind of creepy.

And the way you pronounce

"Marrrrio lopez."

You're not hispanic.

>> no problem.

I will work on that.

She mates hates me.

I see bright lights.

>> that's just a stage light.

>> is that my family?

>> no, that's the audience.

Sit down.

You're fine.

I got you.

I'm proud of you.

>> justin, one more thing.

>> oh good.

>> this is so hard to say, I'm

Not sure I can say it.

You know how you took that stuff

I was telling you earlier really

Well?

>> hit me.

I can take that.

>> I love that.

I love you.

>> I love you too.

>> man.

That's so cool that justin

Finally found a girl for him.

When am I going to find a girl

For me?

>> no way!

[ applause ]

**

**

**

* so I'm going to love you

* like I'm going to lose you

* I said I'm going to love you

* like I'm going to lose you

* in the blink of an eye

* just a whisper of smoke

* you could lose everything

* the truth is you never know