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**
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>> yeah.
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There he is!
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My bf.
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Come join my gf, and my other
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Bf.
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>> that better not mean black
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Friend.
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>> first pumpkin candace and I
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Ever carved together.
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We're gonna put a bad toupee on
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Him and call him donald
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Trump-kin.
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>> that's not going to work.
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It's not orange enough.
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What are you making, shel?
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>> same thing I make every year.
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A pumpkin bong.
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>> how cute is my lady's
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Outfit?
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>> I'm pizza rat.
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>> I don't get it.
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Where's the pizza?
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>> mo, come here.
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>> if that dog is going to look
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Like pizza, you should keep him
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Away from me once I spark up
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This pumpkin.
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>> I'm going to grab my tail and
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Get out of here.
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>> god, I'm crazy about her.
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Thank you, mo.
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I'm crazy about her.
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Danny, you have to let me know
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If I'm ever screwing this up.
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I just want her to know I'm
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Always thinking about you.
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I'm always thinking about you!
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>> you're screwing this up.
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You're being way too romantic
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With her.
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There's much easier ways to
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Scare off a girl.
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Just dance like drake.
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You know what I mean.
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That stupid video.
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>> danny, danny, danny, you
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Beautiful, dumb bastard, there's
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No such thing as too much
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Romance.
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>> okay, babe, I'll see you at
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The bar, became babe.
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>> ding, ding, ding.
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Not before you pay the hug toll.
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>> what the hell is that?!
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>> it's this cute thing justin
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Has been doing where I have to
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Pay a hug toll every time about
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To leave.
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Here we go.
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All right.
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>> ding, ding.
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>> rush hour.
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You know what that means.
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>> hug toll doubles.
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Okay.
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See you guys.
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>> oh, no.
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You know what?
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My penis just jumped off my body
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And ran away.
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>> mine wanted to leave, but it
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Was afraid it would have to pay
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The hug toll.
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**
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**
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**
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**
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>> iceberg dead ahead.
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>> captain of the titanic!
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I love it.
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>> I got to say that's much
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Better than the year you went as
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A ghost with a boner.
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>> no, I went as a ghost, and
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Then I met someone.
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>> what are you?
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>> I'm jewish wolverine.
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He's like regular wolverine
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But he has some stomach issues.
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>> I don't know what's going on.
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>> I don't get it.
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What are you?
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>> are you a lesbian librarian?
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>> I don't have my costume on
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Yet.
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These are my regular clothes.
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[ applause ]
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>> man, thank god I made it.
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There was a horny police horse
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Following me around for, like,
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Three blocks.
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>> do you want a beer?
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>> that means yes.
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>> I'm going to surprise candace
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With a couples costume.
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She's gonna be goldilocks and
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I'm gonna be the bear that's
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"Just right."
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>> uh-oh, you've agitated the
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Centaur.
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>> whoa boy.
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Come there.
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Eat some more.
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There you go.
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>> man, we've all been talking.
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You're way too romantic with
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Candace.
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>> we're worried the
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Relationship is new and it's
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Hard to tell someone your with
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That you don't like something
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About them.
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>> she's right.
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It took me two years to tell my
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College girlfriend that I didn't
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Like that she was female.
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>> you gotta be careful,
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Bub-ala.
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Jewish wolverine.
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This is the way you can ruin a
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Relationship.
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>> tone it down, man.
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>> tone down?
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No can do, danny.
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My romance does crossfit because
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It's all toned up.
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Candace loves it.
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>> she doesn't.
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I'll prove it.
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Back up.
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Hang on right here.
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Bam.
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Candace, justin is not in a bar,
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Could you come over here and
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Talk to me.
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Have a seat.
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You know how justin has been all
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Over the top romantic lately.
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Does that get on your nerves at
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All?
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>> no.
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I love it.
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I think that it's great.
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I mean, yes, he does do a lot of
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Stuff like the hug toll, the
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Butterfly kisses, cuts all of my
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Food into heart-shaped things
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And it's kind of hard to sleep
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With him constantly rubbing my
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Back and whispering in my ear
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"I'm right here."
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No.
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I think it's great.
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>> you know your words say one
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Thing but your eyes say another.
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Look deep into my amulet.
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Let the truth free.
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>> okay.
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All right.
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Fine, you guys.
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I broke it.
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>> that's how bad the truth was.
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[ applause ]
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>> it drives me crazy to be
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Honest with you.
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I feel really bad.
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I should go tell him.
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I'm going to be right back.
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>> come on.
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[ applause ]
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>> is everybody seeing this or
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Am I just really high right now?
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>> babe, when things slow down
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Around here, can we talk about
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Something?
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>> of course.
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Get out of here, you little rat.
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I hope you're happy, danny.
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A few hours ago I was
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Daydreaming about having kids
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With that woman.
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You're like human birth control.
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>> I take that as a compliment
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Because I'd actually be great at
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Being birth control.
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If the woman I was protecting
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Didn't want kids, I wouldn't let
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A single one of those little
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Guys swim into her forbidden
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Zone.
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Get out of the forbidden zone.
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None shall pass!
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>> that's something you don't
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See every day.
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A shirtless man-horse fighting
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Off imaginary sperm.
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>> oh no.
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Oh my god.
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There's 5 million more!
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>> that's enough, danny!
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Justin, you can't just be mad at
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Him.
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We all did this.
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>> who the hell are you supposed
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To be?
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>> I'm sexy steve jobs.
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Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
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This is a huge opportunity.
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Yes, candace, is going to tell
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You she doesn't love all the
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Romance, but do you guys know
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What women think is the sexiest
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Thing on earth?
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>> I'm being optimistic, but I'm
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Hoping it's adult men who are
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Great at halo five.
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>> wrong.
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It's half man, horse guy that
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Can do this move.
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>> no.
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It's being able to communicate
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Openly with your partner without
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Them getting all sulky and
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Insecure.
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Look, when candace comes to you,
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Whatever she says, you just
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Say, no problem, I'm work on
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That.
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Honestly, if any man ever said
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That to me, my pants would
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Immediately be on the floor.
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>> no problem, I'll work on
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That.
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>> I just don't know if I can
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Face her.
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00:11:09,837 --> 00:11:11,839
I don't want my feelings to get
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Hurt.
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00:11:19,913 --> 00:11:22,716
>> that was me hanging up
250
00:11:22,716 --> 00:11:25,986
Missing persons flyers for your
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Testicles.
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Dude, it's so easy, okay.
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00:11:27,888 --> 00:11:29,723
All you got to do is put on your
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Armor and nothing comes through,
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Dude.
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Man up, man.
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Watch.
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Here.
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00:11:34,127 --> 00:11:36,129
Let's practice.
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Pretend your my girlfriend and
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Try to say something that's
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Going to hurt my feelings.
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>> martha stewart was funnier
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Than you.
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>> she didn't write her stuff.
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>> guys, I can't help it.
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When I'm in a relationship I go
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In guns ablazing.
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Roses, poems, reload.
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Compassion, pillow talk.
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I know who I am and I know it
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Can be much to handle.
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I thought I met someone who
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Liked me for exactly who I am.
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I guess I was wrong.
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I guess I'm in love with another
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Girl who wants me to be
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Different.
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>> wait, did you say just say
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You're in love with her?
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>> justin --
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>> I got to go.
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>> what?
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>> candace, did you think I was
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00:12:38,992 --> 00:12:39,592
Funnier than ludicrous on the
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00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:40,828
Bieber roast?
287
00:12:40,828 --> 00:12:59,379
[ applause ]
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>> just a second little ghouls.
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>> trick or treat!
290
00:13:03,951 --> 00:13:05,085
Apples and toothbrushes?
291
00:13:05,085 --> 00:13:05,685
I will burn this place to the
292
00:13:05,685 --> 00:13:14,361
Ground.
293
00:13:14,361 --> 00:13:16,096
>> what do you guys want?
294
00:13:16,096 --> 00:13:17,965
>> excuse me.
295
00:13:17,965 --> 00:13:19,499
We want you to put on a costume
296
00:13:19,499 --> 00:13:20,133
And come back to the bar and see
297
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:22,870
Candace.
298
00:13:22,870 --> 00:13:25,238
>> not happening.
299
00:13:25,238 --> 00:13:26,506
>> you guys heard him.
300
00:13:26,506 --> 00:13:27,240
We tried.
301
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:29,042
Let's leave.
302
00:13:29,042 --> 00:13:29,509
>> thank you.
303
00:13:29,509 --> 00:13:32,980
>> goodbye, justin.
304
00:13:32,980 --> 00:13:35,248
>> why are you guys moving
305
00:13:35,248 --> 00:13:35,849
Closer to me?
306
00:13:35,849 --> 00:13:49,196
>> seize him!
307
00:13:49,196 --> 00:13:52,199
>> what the hell was that about?
308
00:13:52,199 --> 00:13:52,866
>> congratulations.
309
00:13:52,866 --> 00:13:55,302
You're a hero now.
310
00:13:55,302 --> 00:13:59,306
A relationship hero.
311
00:13:59,306 --> 00:14:00,207
Do you understand?
312
00:14:00,207 --> 00:14:01,574
So now just come back to the bar
313
00:14:01,574 --> 00:14:04,411
And talk to candace but maybe
314
00:14:04,411 --> 00:14:06,546
You should do some pushups
315
00:14:06,546 --> 00:14:07,280
First.
316
00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:11,018
I don't know.
317
00:14:11,018 --> 00:14:12,619
>> go back and talk about what?
318
00:14:12,619 --> 00:14:14,287
More of the things I do wrong?
319
00:14:14,287 --> 00:14:15,022
No thanks.
320
00:14:15,022 --> 00:14:16,556
>> you're being such an idiot.
321
00:14:16,556 --> 00:14:17,357
>> no problem.
322
00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:20,560
I'm work on that.
323
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:22,595
>> why aren't you taking your
324
00:14:22,595 --> 00:14:23,363
Pants off.
325
00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:26,099
>> the one thing that you do
326
00:14:26,099 --> 00:14:26,900
Annoys her.
327
00:14:26,900 --> 00:14:28,101
Big deal.
328
00:14:28,101 --> 00:14:29,202
Good couples change for each
329
00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:29,436
Other.
330
00:14:29,436 --> 00:14:32,339
>> take it to church.
331
00:14:32,339 --> 00:14:33,907
>> she's right, mate.
332
00:14:33,907 --> 00:14:35,608
Leslie is crazy about her
333
00:14:35,608 --> 00:14:37,244
Boyfriend but she spent hours
334
00:14:37,244 --> 00:14:38,979
Crushing him about the stuff she
335
00:14:38,979 --> 00:14:39,612
Doesn't like.
336
00:14:39,612 --> 00:14:42,382
>> I said mike, don't call me
337
00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:45,185
From the car if you're bored.
338
00:14:45,185 --> 00:14:46,519
I want takeout.
339
00:14:46,519 --> 00:14:47,955
I won't make the call.
340
00:14:47,955 --> 00:14:49,356
It's up to you to make the first
341
00:14:49,356 --> 00:14:51,191
Move in the bedroom.
342
00:14:51,191 --> 00:14:53,593
I never will tell you when that
343
00:14:53,593 --> 00:14:56,663
Is.
344
00:14:56,663 --> 00:14:57,664
>> amazing he hasn't proposed to
345
00:14:57,664 --> 00:15:01,534
You yet.
346
00:15:01,534 --> 00:15:03,937
>> are you coming or what?
347
00:15:03,937 --> 00:15:05,372
>> I appreciate the effort.
348
00:15:05,372 --> 00:15:07,074
This is my problem with
349
00:15:07,074 --> 00:15:07,474
Relationships.
350
00:15:07,474 --> 00:15:09,476
I go too fast and fall in love
351
00:15:09,476 --> 00:15:12,645
Way too early and then it
352
00:15:12,645 --> 00:15:12,912
Crumbles.
353
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:16,683
I just don't think I have it in
354
00:15:16,683 --> 00:15:16,984
Me tonight.
355
00:15:16,984 --> 00:15:19,386
I'm not your hero.
356
00:15:19,386 --> 00:15:21,621
>> mate, for what it's worth, if
357
00:15:21,621 --> 00:15:24,357
Your relationship is sinking,
358
00:15:24,357 --> 00:15:25,625
I'll be your mate.
359
00:15:25,625 --> 00:15:33,366
I'll go down with the ship.
360
00:15:33,366 --> 00:15:34,501
Probably not the right thing.
361
00:15:34,501 --> 00:15:36,036
>> come on, guys.
362
00:15:36,036 --> 00:15:37,104
Let's go.
363
00:15:37,104 --> 00:15:38,505
>> why do you care so much?
364
00:15:38,505 --> 00:15:39,639
>> don't you get it?
365
00:15:39,639 --> 00:15:43,110
We want your relationship to
366
00:15:43,110 --> 00:15:44,411
Work because -- can you say the
367
00:15:44,411 --> 00:15:46,513
Thing my body won't allow me to
368
00:15:46,513 --> 00:15:47,447
Say, please.
369
00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:50,250
>> you're the best guy we know,
370
00:15:50,250 --> 00:15:50,483
Justin.
371
00:15:50,483 --> 00:15:51,651
>> if you can't make a
372
00:15:51,651 --> 00:15:52,986
Relationship work, then what are
373
00:15:52,986 --> 00:16:25,418
The chances the rest of us have?
374
00:16:25,418 --> 00:16:27,587
>> can I get another beer?
375
00:16:27,587 --> 00:16:34,761
>> what's up pooh-bear?
376
00:16:34,761 --> 00:16:39,232
>> you got any honey for me?
377
00:16:39,232 --> 00:16:41,768
>> that sounds like a sexual
378
00:16:41,768 --> 00:16:45,438
Come-on.
379
00:16:45,438 --> 00:16:46,005
>> wow, you're a smart bear,
380
00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:49,442
Too.
381
00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:57,250
>> is there a door over there?
382
00:16:57,250 --> 00:16:58,218
>> what's up?
383
00:16:58,218 --> 00:17:01,054
>> have you seen justin
384
00:17:01,054 --> 00:17:01,321
Anywhere?
385
00:17:01,321 --> 00:17:03,590
>> did I hear someone say hey,
386
00:17:03,590 --> 00:17:04,157
Danny, have you seen justin
387
00:17:04,157 --> 00:17:11,598
Anywhere?
388
00:17:11,598 --> 00:17:12,199
Hello, dame.
389
00:17:12,199 --> 00:17:14,267
You wanted to talk to me
390
00:17:14,267 --> 00:17:14,501
Earlier.
391
00:17:14,501 --> 00:17:15,735
>> yes.
392
00:17:15,735 --> 00:17:16,469
Okay.
393
00:17:16,469 --> 00:17:18,605
So you know how you do all of
394
00:17:18,605 --> 00:17:20,407
Those awesome romantic things
395
00:17:20,407 --> 00:17:22,275
For me, which I really
396
00:17:22,275 --> 00:17:25,678
Appreciate and they're so sweet,
397
00:17:25,678 --> 00:17:30,483
But sometimes it's a little bit
398
00:17:30,483 --> 00:17:34,354
Much.
399
00:17:34,354 --> 00:17:37,757
>> halloween fun.
400
00:17:37,757 --> 00:17:38,391
>> no problem.
401
00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:41,494
I'll work on that.
402
00:17:41,494 --> 00:17:45,098
>> you will?
403
00:17:45,098 --> 00:17:45,532
My god.
404
00:17:45,532 --> 00:17:47,767
I thought you were going to
405
00:17:47,767 --> 00:17:47,967
Freak.
406
00:17:47,967 --> 00:17:50,637
>> come on?
407
00:17:50,637 --> 00:17:51,538
Me.
408
00:17:51,538 --> 00:17:52,772
Anything else?
409
00:17:52,772 --> 00:17:53,506
>> yes.
410
00:17:53,506 --> 00:17:54,707
Since you mention it, there are
411
00:17:54,707 --> 00:17:56,243
A couple of things.
412
00:17:56,243 --> 00:17:57,677
I can't stand it when you sleep
413
00:17:57,677 --> 00:17:59,246
With your socks on and when you
414
00:17:59,246 --> 00:18:00,513
Kiss with your eyes open.
415
00:18:00,513 --> 00:18:02,149
It's kind of creepy.
416
00:18:02,149 --> 00:18:05,385
And the way you pronounce
417
00:18:05,385 --> 00:18:08,521
"Marrrrio lopez."
418
00:18:08,521 --> 00:18:13,260
You're not hispanic.
419
00:18:13,260 --> 00:18:14,261
>> no problem.
420
00:18:14,261 --> 00:18:21,534
I will work on that.
421
00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:24,671
She mates hates me.
422
00:18:24,671 --> 00:18:25,538
I see bright lights.
423
00:18:25,538 --> 00:18:30,710
>> that's just a stage light.
424
00:18:30,710 --> 00:18:32,679
>> is that my family?
425
00:18:32,679 --> 00:18:34,281
>> no, that's the audience.
426
00:18:34,281 --> 00:18:34,681
Sit down.
427
00:18:34,681 --> 00:18:36,416
You're fine.
428
00:18:36,416 --> 00:18:37,817
I got you.
429
00:18:37,817 --> 00:18:43,290
I'm proud of you.
430
00:18:43,290 --> 00:18:46,159
>> justin, one more thing.
431
00:18:46,159 --> 00:18:48,161
>> oh good.
432
00:18:48,161 --> 00:18:51,431
>> this is so hard to say, I'm
433
00:18:51,431 --> 00:18:55,202
Not sure I can say it.
434
00:18:55,202 --> 00:18:56,603
You know how you took that stuff
435
00:18:56,603 --> 00:19:00,207
I was telling you earlier really
436
00:19:00,207 --> 00:19:00,440
Well?
437
00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:01,174
>> hit me.
438
00:19:01,174 --> 00:19:02,309
I can take that.
439
00:19:02,309 --> 00:19:05,312
>> I love that.
440
00:19:05,312 --> 00:19:11,451
I love you.
441
00:19:11,451 --> 00:19:16,323
>> I love you too.
442
00:19:16,323 --> 00:19:17,257
>> man.
443
00:19:17,257 --> 00:19:18,491
That's so cool that justin
444
00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:20,327
Finally found a girl for him.
445
00:19:20,327 --> 00:19:23,196
When am I going to find a girl
446
00:19:23,196 --> 00:19:25,632
For me?
447
00:19:25,632 --> 00:19:27,200
>> no way!
448
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:42,515
[ applause ]
449
00:19:42,515 --> 00:19:57,497
**
450
00:19:57,497 --> 00:20:14,914
**
451
00:20:14,914 --> 00:20:48,948
**
452
00:20:48,948 --> 00:20:52,285
* so I'm going to love you
453
00:20:52,285 --> 00:20:55,888
* like I'm going to lose you
454
00:20:55,888 --> 00:20:59,426
* I said I'm going to love you
455
00:20:59,426 --> 00:21:06,333
* like I'm going to lose you
456
00:21:06,333 --> 00:21:11,304
* in the blink of an eye
457
00:21:11,304 --> 00:21:14,040
* just a whisper of smoke
458
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:17,043
* you could lose everything
459
00:21:17,043 --> 00:21:18,010
* the truth is you never know
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