Original subtitles

>>> where is he?

>> hey, there he is.

What's up, buddy?

May I?

>> oh --

[ laughter ]

>> dude, I can't believe he told

My sister last night that I

Would watch a movie with her and

She got toppled today.

Worst thing ever, no offense.

>> offense taken.

[ laughter ]

>> you can't take offense.

>> why do you always stick your

Nose in everybody's business.

>> uh, hi, danny.

I'm justin.

I thought we had met.

[ laughter ]

>> and I was excited to just

Chill by myself tonight, and

Again you had to go and justin

Things.

>> justin things, does that mean

Making everything more romantic

And dance every time you touch

His shoulder?

[ cheers and applause ]

>> I know you think you look

Cool right now, but I can see

Your tiny little t-rex arm

Starting to shake.

>> oh, please.

I'm fine.

[ laughter ]

>> can I go up?

Can I go up?

[ laughter ]

>> uh, yeah.

That's the saddest thing I've

Ever seen.

Listen, man, just so you know to

Justin things means to take

Something and completely ruin

It.

>> no, it doesn't.

>> oh, bloody hell!

I spilled ketchup and justined

My pants!

[ laughter ]

>> what's, uh, danny mean?

>> I'm glad you asked what danny

Means.

It's kind of inexplicable.

It's more of a positive energy

Type thing, have you seen the

"Star wars" trailer?

They took the force and replaced

It with the danny.

>> that would never happen

>> I saw a black storm trooper

In that trailer so anything's

Possible.

>> you know what?

I'll define danny.

A jerk.

Jerk.

Jerking as if you're jerking me,

You're jerking your friends and

You're jerking everyone.

>> sounds like a busy night.

[ laughter ]

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[ cheers and applause ]

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* take a look around the room

* love comes wearing disguises

* how to go about it

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* she's just my type

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* you're just my type

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* you're just my type

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>>> hey, justin.

How are you doing?

>> oh, not that great.

Last night while I was in bed

With candace I accidentally

Called her "Danny.

What?

>> relax, they sound the same.

>> hey, man.

No, they don't and why would you

Share that with us?

>> well, I couldn't help it.

Shelly's hugs are so loving that

You can't help, but be truthful.

>> there's no such thing as a

Truth hug, okay?

>> oh, really.

Danny, what's your biggest

Regret in life?

>> that's easy.

I don't have one.

[ whistling ]

>> tell me.

[ laughter ]

>> I wish I slept with whitney

[ laughter ]

[ applause ]

>> anyway, man, bathroom's all

Yours.

I left your favorite rubber

Ducky in there for you.

>> danny, please.

I don't have a favorite rubber

Ducky.

They're all my children.

[ laughter ]

>> is that the third night in a

Row that shelly's stayed here?

Is there something going on?

>> whoa, whoa, whoa, what's with

The third degree?

Why don't you back off, ese?

Whenever danny gets defensive

It's usually because he's hiding

A secret.

You know something juicy, don't

You?

And I'm going to get it out of

You.

>> ooh.

Juice him, baby, juice him good.

>> oh, no, don't sing a song.

>> I won't sing a song, but I

Will sing everything I do like

At the broadway musical.

>> you wouldn't dare.

* yes, I would

*

"Candace can you help me find my

Phone *

*

* justin, it's on the couch

Where you always leave it.

>> you guys are idiots, and I'm

Ignore you, okay?

>> I'll hover above you and see

What you're pretending to read,

Marco rubio, look, donald trump

Is building a wall.

>> all right, dude.

>> I'm about to play video

Games.

>> no you're not.

>> stop it!

>> you don't tell me what's

Going on

With shelly or I'm going to rip

Out your chest hair for real.

>> okay.

Okay.

Shelly's mom lost her job so

He's got to cover her rent so we

Can't have his place anymore and

He's bummed about living with

His mom and he asked to stay

Here, and I told him look, it's

Okay.

I stayed with a mom once, and

Granted it wasn't my mom and

Things got sexual.

>> we have to help shelly.

>> we're going to help him.

I want you to control yourself,

You get weird and emotional when

Friends are in need.

He made me promise that I

Wouldn't tell you and he'll be

Very embarrassed and don't get

Weird and emotional because then

He'll know and he'll be very

Upset.

>> what did I tell you about

Your shoes on the counter.

>> how did you feel when you

Heard adele's new single?

>> I don't hear it, you feel it.

We've all --

**

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>>> oh, is that a puppy?

>> yeah.

Cute, right?

Don't scroll the other

Direction, you may see a big

Healthy penis.

[ laughter ]

>> why do you always have to

Burski everything and that makes

It gross and penisy.

>> to leslie is to guzzle an

Entire bottle of wine in one

Sitting.

>> and to candace is to overuse

The phrase leslie, you have a

Problem.

[ laughter ]

>> so what about bretting?

What's bretting?

>> uh --

>> maybe bretting is to be in

Worst shape than most gay guys?

[ laughter ]

>> I don't love it.

I am feeling randy, what about

Wanting to have sex with

Everyone.

>> I love to bang.

>> really?

Even that old bimbo gets

Something?

>> I don't understand why is

This such a big deal for you

>> because you should know me by

Now.

Do you think I'm just a random

Gay british dude who is randomly

Tending bar and no one's

Randomly explained and it's like

You guys can't even see me.

It is like you don't see me.

>> shem ee is coming.

>> candace's old bedroom

Upstairs.

>> how would we get him upstairs

To see it?

>> hey, shelly, can you help me

Clear up old trash upstairs?

It shouldn't take long and lots

Of candy and magazines about

Butts.

>> you called the right man for

The job.

[ laughter ]

>> hey, why is shelly going up

There?

[ laughter ]

>> because we tricked him into

Seeing his new room.

>> wait a minute, hold on a

Second.

You told them?

>> no.

I became a completely different

Person and kept it to myself.

Come on, daniel.

Let's make this thing move.

>> relax, we have a plan.

>> you see, you see, when shelly

Comes down I will casually

Mention that last night the bar

Was robbed and then leslie brett

Are still in shock.

>> oh, my god --

>> and then my line is if

Somebody was somebody living

Upstairs none of this would have

Ever happened.

>> but we're not going to do it

Like that, right?

We talked about the arms?

Anyway, doesn't matter.

I'll say what a great idea,

Honey, someone should live

Upstairs and we will do a quick

Kiss.

>> and then leslie and I will

Kiss.

>> except we won't.

>> can anybody crash upstairs to

Protect the bar.

What does everyone say?

Then shelly volunteered had a

Place to live.

>> unfortunately, you forgot

About a monkey wrench in your

Plan.

[ monkey noise ]

>> danny, do you think a monkey

Wrench is just a monkey holding

A wrench?

>> yeah.

He just goes around and unscrews

Everybody's plans.

Anyway, look, shelly doesn't

Want charity, okay?

We're not doing this.

>> fine.

We won't offer the room because

You're going to do it.

>> okay and why the hell would I

Do that, huh?

>> because I've changed you.

You see, you care about the

People in your life now.

Go ahead and make that shocked

Face.

[ laughter ]

I always hated your shocked

Face.

The point is daniel radcliffe

Burton, we're not going to help

Shelly.

His happiness falls on you.

>> well, it looks like my

Evening's presented itself.

>> you guys all have a good

Night.

Something on your mind, danny?

>> uh -- no, I just -- justin's

Bar got robbed and he wants

Someone to stay upstairs.

Can anyone do it?

>> no.

>> shelly, can you do it?

>> I gegs -- guess it could if

That will help you out.

I'll get settled in.

Take my butt magazine.

>> well.

You helped a friend in need.

You know what that makes you?

A friend, indeed.

[ laughter ]

Monkey business.

[ monkey noises ]

>> what the hell is he doing?

>> I believe that is a monkey

Conducting business.

[ laughter ]

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>>> people of detroit, it is bed

Time.

I'm about to consume this edible

And have some crazy dreams.

[ laughter ]

[ applause ]

>> please finish your drink and

Decide if you're going to have

Hot sex with the person you're

Talking to.

Always use condoms.

Unless you're really hot.

Go lions.

[ laughter ]

>> see, it's all working out,

Danny.

>> hey, boys.

Before I go to bed I have some

Questions about the robbery, if

You don't mind.

>> he knows.

>> ha!

>> he doesn't know the truth!

[ laughter ]

>> the truth about what?

>> uh -- the truth about teen

Pregnancy.

Isn't that right?

It's a big deal.

>> it's a huge deal.

That's right.

Yeah.

Babies born to adolescents has

Dropped since reaching an

All-time high in 1990, but it's

Still a complex issue that

Everyone is alarmed about.

Research shows knowledge-based

Programs help decrease teen

Pregnancy rate, but abstinence

Without education and birth

Control does not.

You say what?

[ cheers and applause ]

>> follow my lead, all right?

>> okay.

That's what we're going to do.

You take the lead and I'll say

Whatever you say.

We've got this.

I'm amazing at this.

>> sitting down.

>> so, yeah.

Tell me how this whole robbery

Went down.

>> it is empty.

>> not00 dreads.

I filled out a police report,

They said the odds of catching

Them --

>> it wouldn't happen.

>> maybe it could happen again.

>> all right.

>> you guys are acting weird.

I want you all to answer this

Last question.

The police officer, what did he

Look like.

[ indiscernible ]

>> guys!

Guys!

I've heard all I need to hear,

And it all checks out.

[ laughter ]

>> does it, shel?

[ laughter ]

>> yeah.

Of course, I trust you guys.

Bring it in, justin.

Wait a minute, he's going for a

Truth hug!

[ laughter ]

[ screaming ]

>> he's got candace!

>> candace, was there no

Robbery, was there?

You all made it up.

>> no, we were just trying to

Help you out!

[ laughter ]

>> I can't believe you two.

You guys made me look like a

Damn fool!

>> wearing those pjs.

**

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>>> all right, come on, shelly.

You don't have to move out.

>> yes, I do.

You violated my trust and you

Turned me into a charity case.

>> I'm sorry, but throwing a

Huge teddy bear at me is not

Going to hurt me, okay?

[ laughter ]

>> was that my computer?

[ laughter ]

>> how am I supposed to look any

Of you in the eyes again?

Anyone have an answer to that?

>> I made this.

[ laughter ]

>> shelly, we were just trying

To help you, man.

>> you don't understand, danny.

My dad was a taker, all right?

He took from everybody, friends,

Family, me.

The best gift I ever got were

Two tickets to wrestlemania and

He took them and he scalped

Them.

>> you shouldn't do that to a

Kid.

>> I was 26.

>> that's not the point.

The point is I promised I would

Never be a charity case like him

And that's why I don't need

Anybody's help.

>> look, we all understand that,

But the problem is you let this

Guy in your life, okay?

What he does is he changes

Things.

He changed me into a guy that

Cares about his friend, and I

Hate him for that.

To be totally honest I'm a

Little upset with you for

Bretting the situation.

[ laughter ]

>> bretting?

What is it?

>> it means to take a minor

Issue like nicknames and having

Your friends stay with you and

Turn it into an emotional mess

Like a 13-year-old girl.

[ laughter ]

>> I love it.

[ laughter ]

>> the bottom line is you always

Help us out and now it's your

Turn.

>> that doesn't make you a

Charity case.

That makes you one of us.

>> yeah, man.

You either let your pride get in

The way or you don't.

[ laughter ]

>> I'm sorry, guys.

I just don't want the room,

Okay?

>> really?

I thought you might say that,

Hey, shel.

You want to know why people tell

The truth in your hugs?

Because you're so loving they

Can't help, but do it.

See how you like it.

Come on, guys.

[ laughter ]

>> danny, you have to get in on

This, too.

>> oh, come on!

Fine!

[ laughter ]

>> now tell the truth.

Tell the truth.

Do you really not want the room

Or are you too stubborn and

Embarrassed to take it?

>> yes.

I'm being too stubborn.

>> okay, fine, and if you just

Go up there and stay up there

And if we promise not to mention

It would that be cool with you?

>> yes, I will.

>> are you copping a feel of my

Butt with your hand?

>> you better believe it.

>> whose butt am I squeezing?

>> don't worry about it.

[ laughter ]

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