Original subtitles

>>> should we go to a party

Tonight?

>> no way!

It is friday night at 8:00, and

That is the best time for

Staying in and watching

Television.

Let's see what's on nbc.

[ cheers and applause ]

>> that's not tv, mate.

That's the new security feed.

[ laughter ]

>> good.

For a second there, I thought

Nbc had really bottomed out.

>> are you just going to stare

At me all day?

>> you're right.

You're right.

I'll try to walk away.

Couldn't do it.

You're gonna have to walk away.

>> aww, I want you to walk away

First.

>> no, you walk away first.

>> no, you --

>> uh-oh!

Justin's walking away first!

Oh, no.

Wait a second, there's a shark

In the park.

Schaech attack!

>> you know I love when you do

Shark attack, but not in front

Of my lady.

>> how is it that I had a penis

In each hand last night and I'm

Not the only gayest person at

This bar?

Justin and candace kept me up

All night with their lame sex

Talk.

She was like,

"You're the one that I want,

Tell me more, tell me more --"

Tell me more" --

>> that wasn't sex talk.

We were just watching "Grease"

And singing along.

>> that would explain why you

Wanted to rama-lama-lama

Ka-dinga da ding- dong."

>> god help me, I can't resist a

Good "Grease" sing-along.

>> how do you keep finding new

Ways to say things that men

Never say?

>> I can't believe you thought

Justin and I were already

Sleeping together.

We've only been dating two

Weeks.

We're ladies.

Right, les?

How long did you and mike wait?

>> let's see, I met him here in

The bar, then I walked him to

His car.

How long was that?

[ laughter ]

>> okay.

Definitely something wrong

With the security feed, because

Now it's just showing a random

Crowd.

[ cheers ]

>> whatever they're watching,

They sure seem to be enjoying

It.

They should tell some friends.

**

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh *

Oh, oh-oh-oh *

Oh, oh *

If you're ever feeling lonely if

You're ever feeling down *

You should know you're not the

Only one when you're down *

When the world is on your

Shoulders *

Love will set you free *

[ cheers and applause ]

[ cheers and applause ]

>>> oh, danny.

I feel like we've known each

Other for years.

>> yeah.

I know.

I can't believe it was just 20

Minutes ago that we met on

Tinder.

>> hey kids, we're home!

Oh, just got a text from you.

>> you don't have to check

Anymore.

It said, "Don't come home."

>> hi!

I'm candace.

This is justin.

My boyfriend.

My beau.

My li'l bitch.

[ laughter ]

>> okay.

Don't poke me.

Don't poke me in public.

Stop it!

>> you guys are really cute.

>> yeah you guy, so cute.

Bye.

>> when did you guys meet?

>> oh, go.

You're asking questions!

Justin, can I talk to you over

Here for a second, please?

>> I've always dreamed of this

Day.

Me with my bae, you with yours.

If this keeps up, four disney

Tickets on a cruise, please.

>> how do you not get that?

In about five minutes this is

Going to be my underwear.

>> I get it, I get it.

In about five minutes, it's

Gonna be my underwear.

>> roger that.

We'll skedaddle.

>> my ex-boyfriend trent was the

Worst.

He tried to get me into bed

Before he even knew my last

Name.

I'm so lucky I met you.

Not only does justin know my

Last name, but this morning when

We snuggled under my comforter.

We call it "The secret blanket"

He said if we ever got married

He would take my last name.

>> babe --

Babe, do you not get the meaning

Of a secret blanket?

>> ugh, I keep ending up with

Guys who are like your ex.

>> oh, please.

Danny knows your last name,

Right, danny?

[ laughter ]

>> ah -- of course, I know

Jenny's last name.

>> my name's judy.

[ laughter ]

>> guys, I would like to

Introduce you to jenny judy.

**

>>> hey, did you guys read the

News?

"Playboy" magazine aren't doing

Nudes anymore.

>> that's weird.

Does the internet still exist?

>> yeah.

>> I think I'll be fine.

[ laughter ]

>> take it to church!

>> what does that even mean,

Shel?

>> it's my new catchphrase.

When I saw myself on the

Security feed, it made me think,

If I was a tv character, I'd

Have a catchphrase.

>> danny, are you seriously mad

At me

For talking to someone?

I was just being nice to that

Girl.

>> yeah, but you took away my

Chance to be very nice to that

Girl.

>> I'm not going to apologize

For being kind to someone that

You don't even care about.

>> hmm.

Take it to church!

>> hey, man.

>> huh.

Why do you do that?

>> why would I do that?

Well, I did that because your

Girl ruined my night last night,

So now, anything that makes you

Happy, like ice cream, I'm going

To ruin that for you.

>> ignore him.

If anyone needs a smile check

Out that old couple holding

Hands.

>> aww.

That makes me happy.

Oh, no.

>> hey, get outta here!

Go on!

Yeah, yeah, scram!

You oldies!

Go on, git!

>> that's it!

Nobody messes with my customer.

You wanna go, danny?

You better look out for marvin

And gaye, because we're about to

Get it on.

>> oh yeah? Well, I hope you

Like urban percussion troupes

Who make music with garbage cans

Because I'm about to stomp ya!

>> really?

Take five ingredients and five

Professional chefs jump them,

Because you're about to get --

Ah -- chopped!

>> are they really gonna fight?

>> I think this is the fight.

>> don't worry.

Once they can't think of any

More jokes it just fades out on

Its own.

>> you know what?

You're --

>> I hope you like --

>> no, you watch out.

>> wait.

I have one.

>> well, do you have one.

>> I'm, sorry, man.

>> could you just talk to her,

So it doesn't happen again?

>> no problem, buddy.

Great fight.

>> whoa!

Five-second rule.

**

>> so, I fixed the screen so

It's not the security feed

Anymore.

I'm watching old reruns of

"Scrubs" and that blonde doctor

Is out boozing

[ cheers and applause ]

>> that's actually still the

Security feed.

She's actually just sitting

Right there.

>> can I just have a drink in

Peace without getting

Recognized?

Thank you.

Recognized, why are you still

Wearing the same costume for --

That show ended five years ago?

>> because I'm proud of it.

Okay?

Trust me, if by some miracle,

You keep this silly show on for

Nine years, you'll still be

Walking around wearing that dumb

Leather jacket.

[ laughter ]

>> bye --

[ cheers and applause ]

Bye pretty lady from "Scrubs."

>> what I'm trying to say is

That my house is danny's house,

Too.

When he has a girl like judy

Over, maybe you don't have to

Butt in or talk to her so much.

Is that cool?

Are we dope?

>> yeah, totally.

You just want me to keep my big

Trap shut so danny can have sex

Easier.

>> right.

No.

>> huh-uh.

>> wait.

What's happening?

>> oh, you're getting your ass

Handed to you by -- by 90-pound

Care bear.

>> did you tell justin to talk

To me?

>> hey, ah, I don't know what

You're talking about.

But I think you should listen to

Your boyfriend.

>> when are you going to grow

Up, danny?

You're a 35-year-old man.

>> hey, I'm 34 1/2, candace, I'm

34 1/2!

Let me hear you say it!

>> I'll never say it!

You know what else?

You're middle-aged.

>> ah -- okay -- ah, all right.

You know what, then?

You weren't the real star of

"Good luck charlie."

The parents were!

>> are you going to let him talk

To me --

>> everybody calm down.

Everybody relax.

Stop, stop, sto stop, stop!

>> please, please, calm down,

Okay.

This isn't easy for me!

Candace is my girl friend and

Danny is -- I mean, danny is my

Boyfriend.

No, no, no.

My point is.

The past is the past.

Nobody cares anymore what

Happened between me and candace

And me and danny and judy.

>> who's judy?

>> my god.

The girl you were with last

Night.

>> oh, right.

Jenny judy.

>> that's no one's name.

Ever.

Never has been.

>> we're done.

It was fun pip we're having fun.

Everybody's happy again.

We're friends, right?

Everybody's a team.

We're a team again.

Right?

Hands in, please.

Hands in -- please!

>> justin told me he's on my

Side.

>> I don't think you understand

What a secret blanket is.

>> did he ever say he was on

Your side?

>> no.

Actually, no.

You know what?

I forgot to bring that up,

Because, okay, see, the

Difference between me and you,

Candice, he's my boy and doesn't

Have to use words to communicate

With me, okay?

I tap into the mainfreedom, see

What he sees in his eyes and

That's how he speaks to me.

You know what he's saying right

No?

Right now he's saying, oh,

Candace is very wrong, and,

Uh-oh -- getting a printout.

I'm only 34 1/2.

That's what he said.

>> guys, I will not be a weapon

That you can use against each

Other.

I won't be in the middle of

This.

>> hey, justin, come to me and

Show me your loyalty.

>> you don't have to do that.

Come to me.

>> come over here, boy.

Come on, come over here.

Go outside.

Want to go for a walk?

Come on!

>> come on.

Come on.

Come!

>> hey, hey, hey!

>> don't make me say the four

Words you didn't want me to say.

>> danny!

>> shut up, demons --

>> no.

Stop it.

I want it so bad, but not like

This.

I would die for either one of

You and you don't see that

You're killing me right now!

You're mean!

Are you laughing?

Don't laugh at me.

>> I'm not laughing.

>> you want me to choose?

You want me to choose?

Fine.

I choose me.

You know who I choose?

Justin.

He gets me!

Nice work, guys.

That's not how you treat someone

You care about.

>> whatever.

>> yep.

I've only got one thing to say.

>> I know what it subpoena take

It to church.

>> I wasn't going to say that.

Everyone in the bar's going to

Say it together.

Three --

Two --

One --

>> all: take to church!

>> ah, this bar seems a lot less

Crowded than that.

**

>>> justin, come out.

Seriously.

Can you come out of there?

>> I don't want to.

[ laughter ]

>> all right.

Danny, look -- I --

I will admit most of this was my

Fault.

I shouldn't have screwed up your

Night with that girl.

>> listen, I -- I get it.

You know?

I realize what you're trying to

Do.

You're just trying to protect

That girl.

>> no, no, danny.

I don't care about her.

I care about you.

Since I met justin, everything

In my life is better.

I guess I wish you'd try being

With someone you actually care

About, because I feel it would

Make you so happy.

>> that's, a --

[ laughter ]

That's really sweet.

You know, I know it's weird,

Because, you know, you kind of

Always looked up to me being

Your hero.

>> you're not my hero.

>> let me finish, though.

[ laughter ]

>> look, I know that it's hard

For me to date and find someone

And, look, I have a lot of

Growing up to do in that

Category, but the truth is, I'm

Still very young.

I mean, I'm 34 1/2, and --

[ laughter ]

I just -- I feel like --

I feel like I can, I feel like I

Can -- I feel like I can do it.

I just feel like you have to now

See me kind of how I -- how I

Really am and that kind of

Embarrasses me.

>> danny, I like who you really

Are.

Are you okay?

[ laughter ]

>> no!

Yeah -- I'm okay.

Oh, you're -- oh.

Give me a hug.

>> yeah.

>> hey --

[ cheers and applause ]

>> justin, you can come out now.

We made up!

>> no.

I'm still mad.

>> I have a great idea.

He can't resist a great

Sing-along.

* summer loving

Had me a blast *

[ laughter ]

* summer loving

Happened so fast *

[ laughter ]

* I met a boy, crazy for me

* I met a girl

Cute as can be *

[ laughter ]

>> sweetie, just come all the

Way out.

>> only if danny sings, too!

[ cheers and applause ]

* tell me more, tell me more

Did you get very far? *

>> you have to like it!

* tell me more, tell me more

Like did he have a car *

[ cheers and applause ]

* shoo bap bap

Shoo bap bap, shoo bap

Bap, yeah! *

>> enough of the shoo be-baps.

He's not coming out.

>> justin -- he's not in here.

* but -- oh

Those summer nights *

Tell me more, tell me more **

[ cheers and applause ]

* you probably should be getting

On with your new life, so far

Away from, so far away from *

When everything we used to say

Was wrong is now all right *

Where has the time gone *

Where has the time gone *

If you're ever feeling lonely,

If you're ever feeling down *

You should know you're not the

Only one who's feeling that way

Now *

* when the world sn 0 is on your

Shoulders and you only need me,

Need me *

You know love will set you

Free **

**

* I took a long and lonely walk

Up to an empty house

That's where I come from *

* where have you come from

The more I live the more I know

I've got to live without *

This ain't no sad song, life has

To go on *

If you're ever feeling lonely

If you're ever feeling down *

You should know you're not the

Only one, because I feel it with

You now *

When the world is on your

Shoulders

And you've fallen to your

Knees **