Original subtitles

>>> do you think it makes me

Look old?

>> no, sweetie.

It makes you look like you have

Been alive a long time.

>> give me my phone back.

>> not giving it to you.

>> give it back to me.

>> no!

>> danny deleted scandal before

I had a chance to watch it.

Teach him a lesson about taking

Other people's stuff I stole his

Phone.

I think I might write a girl

Named hot julie.

Can't make it tonight and you

Should get tested.

>> two can play that game.

>> okay.

All right.

And texting your mom.

Finally realized I'm gay.

Making love to brett as we

Speak.

Oh, look, she responded, "We

Always knew, say hi to brett."

I'm going to tweet your

Followers.

"Help, I'm lonely.

Please call me at 313-525-2014."

>> what?

Everyone is going to be able to

Call me at 313-525-2014.

>> also, I just accepted your

Aunt patty's request to play

"Candy crush."

>> no!

She's divorced and lonely.

Hello.

Hello.

It's me.

What do you mean how I've been?

Good.

I don't know you.

I got to go.

I'm at work, okay?

Too friendly for my liking.

I'm sorry that I deleted scandal

By mistake.

The dvr is full and I've been

Catching up on all old shows I

Like to watch.

I have been watching "Game of

Thrones".

That show should be called

"Who's that guy, again?"

>> I love "Game of thrones."

The books are so much different

From the tv show.

>> yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it.

You're british.

You know how to read.

Don't ruin the show for me.

I hate spoilers.

>> I love spoilers.

I want to be exactly what is

Going to happen.

>> but then you miss out on all

The big twisty, surprise

Endings.

>> I already had enough of those

In my life.

I can still hear my mom now.

"Surprise: I lost my job.

Surprise: we're homeless.

Surprise: for your birthday I

Got you a guinea pig.

Surprise: it's not really a

Guinea pig, and you might have

Rabies."

>> she got you a birthday rat?

I'm flaut not interested unless

I know there is going to be a

Happy ending.

>> that reminds me, I have a

Massage in 20 minutes.

>> I wish I knew if scandal had

A happy ending this week.

I mean, my best friend scott

Foley is on it.

>> dude, you met him one time.

He's not your friend.

>> it's not my friend.

>> I sound more like that.

If we aren't friends, then why'd

He tweet me back this morning?

All I tweeted him was, "Hey

Scott, found your address

Online.

>> maybe he responded out of

Fear of getting murdered.

>> you're funny.

So you hate spoilers, huh?

What tv shows are you watching

These days?

"Empire?"

>> I like watching that show.

One of my favorite shows.

You know I like any show where

One of the main charactericize

Cookie.

So it's pretty much just

"Empire" and "Sesame street."

I was thinking of catching up on

Wednesday's episode tonight.

>> don't bother.

Luscious is out of prison,

Cookie and hakeem form their new

Label, then luscious tries to

Double cross everybody by

Getting together with kitty

Booboo or booboo kitty depending

On how you want to talk about

That person.

Luscious steals hakeem's latina

Girl group, and buys all the

Radio stations in the country,

And tells cookie he won't play

Any of her music, but cookie

Reminds him that nobody can keep

Cookie down.

>> I'm going to kill him.

I'm going to kill him.

That's why you got to watch

Stuff right when it comes out.

Live.

**

* am I wrong to say that I

Choose another way *

* I've been trying to do what

Everybody else do *

* just because everybody's doing

What they all do *

* one thing I know I'm walking

Back this road that I go on *

* am I wrong for thinking that

We could be something for real *

* now am I wrong for trying to

Reach the things that I can't

See *

* for having a vision

* my prediction I'm going to be

On top of the world *

* don't look back

* always do what you decide

* that's just how I feel

* that's just how I feel

* am I wrong for thinking we

Could be something for real *

>>> baseball playoffs update.

In the fourth inning the mets

Are beating the dodgers 1-0.

>> why would you tell me about

Sports.

I don't care about sports.

That would be like if I talk to

You about fashion.

Shorts horrible, shirt terrible.

>> don't you listen to him.

>> we think you're sexy.

>> don't you listen to her.

>> did you just call justin

Sexy?

>> heck yeah, I did.

>> hold on one second.

This is what happened.

Candace hit her head and now she

Doesn't know what the word sexy

Means.

I will administer a concussion

Test.

Follow my finger.

Follow my finger.

Not sexy.

Follow it.

Follow it, follow it.

Sexy.

>> we just wanted you guys to

Know that candace and I were

Going to try dating.

I never knew it was right in

Front of me all this time.

>> it is easy for me to remember

Your anniversary is october 9.

Today is the first day I saw

Justin bieber's penis on the

Internet.

>> well, as romantic as that is

We are going to wait until

Tomorrow to start dating.

>> in that case I will look at

It tomorrow, as well.

>> we are waiting until tonight

At midnight so our anniversary

Will be october 10.

>> when it comes to harmony.

* we always sound better

Together *

[ cheers and applause ]

>> was that rehearsed?

* hell, no, brett

>> you don't seem too happy for

Me.

>> this thing happens whenever I

Hear people sing like that I get

This headache from a medical

Condition called ears.

>> doesn't bother me.

Not like I sit at home

Fantasizing about how you would

React.

>> yes you did.

Let's hear it.

>> you would be walking away.

See your knees buckle a little

Bit.

I pinch you and say yes.

You smile, big, but not with

Your mouth, with your eyes.

The way you do when you see a

New puppy or an asian girl with

Blond hair.

>> I do like both those things.

>> and then you would say

Congrats and I would say I'm a

Lucky guy.

And you would say no.

Justin, look at me.

She's a lucky girl.

She's a lucky, lucky girl.

Then we would hug and go out and

Celebrate.

>> can I go with you?

>> if you want to.

>>> attention, bar!

Leslie has asked me to give her

A big introduction.

Ladies and gentleman!

Boys and girls, children of all

Ages.

You know her as the happy hour

Hurricane, the booty and the

Beast.

Weighing in at 100 and whatever

Will not get me bitch-slapped --

Leslie "New haircut" burton!

>> boom!

>> oh my god, you look awesome!

>> thanks, I feel great about

It.

I would've been here sooner but

I was in my car, crying.

Brett, do I get the gay man's

Seal of approval?

>> on behalf of gays I upgrade

Your haircut from shaggy dog to

Fierce.

>> okay, bursk, let's hear it.

>> sorry, I'm texting my

Girlfriend.

Whatever, I think I look great.

I think this might be my thing

For a while.

>> that's the same way I feel

About having sex with very tall

Women.

Yeah, you heard me.

>> wait, that girl is dating

You?

And she knows it?

>> yeah.

She just thinks I'm cool and

Classy and smart.

>> but you're none of those

Things.

>> I know!

It's awesome.

**

>> I have a huge surprise for

You.

>> I've seen you in bike shorts.

That's a medium sized surprise.

>> isn't this great?

Justin and I are getting

Together.

Burske has a girlfriend.

Leslie is serious with mike.

Shelly is already on that giant

Woman's lap.

>> brett found a guy.

>> quite titillating.

He is recently divorced and not

Sure he is gay yet.

>> have you had sex?

>> yeah.

>> he's pretty sure.

>> like everybody found special

Someone.

>> not everyone.

>> so alone, like matt damon in

"The martian."

Stuck on a planet.

>> never dated my best friend

Before.

This is so weird.

I guess it's not that weird

Because I haven't dated my worst

Enemy.

So, raccoon who stole my hat

Yesterday, you're not getting

Any of this.

>> you guys know dating a friend

Makes it immediately more

Serious.

>> yeah, but justin has just as

Much to risk as I do.

>> mm.

>> what was that?

What was that noise?

>> I didn't make a noise.

>> yes you did!

You made a noise right after she

Said I have as much to risk as

She does.

>> mm.

>> danny, what are you doing?

>> we're just talking.

Danny, I told you, I need

Spoilers.

If you know how this is gonna

Go, you have to tell me.

>> look, it's not a huge deal.

We have all known him and been

Friends with him longer so if

You guys do break up he would

Probably get to keep the

Friends.

>> who can say what the future

Holds?

Maybe later today, danny will

Get hit by a bus.

>> I'm not worried.

You guys were friends with nicki

Before she and justin dated and

You're all still tight with her,

Right?

>> mm.

>> stop making that noise!

Look at me.

Ten seconds 'til we're dating.

Look, every day we spend

Together will be better than the

Last.

Four --

Three --

Two --

>> justin -- we should talk.

>> flowers and champagne for the

New couple?

>> tv's scott foley!

>> I know, it's exciting.

Once I heard my best pal,

Justin, starting a new

Relationship I knew I had to

Come.

>> there might be a little speed

Bump --

>> buddy, on the bright side --

I'm still on "Scandal."

>>> when I was a kid and the

Doctor told me I had to get my

Appendix out.

I felt like I was losing part of

Myself and I couldn't stop

Crying.

She told me to write a note.

You know what that note to my

Appendix said, candace?

"I can't believe you don't want

To be with me."

>> justin, I'm not your

Appendix.

I would never say that to you.

Look, I just didn't realize how

Much is at stake until danny

Said all that stuff.

>> you're welcome.

>> I just need to go on one of

My thinking walks.

>> sweetie, this is detroit.

You know my rule about your

Nighttime thinking walks, take

Your thinking bat.

>> justin, I'll be back in a

Few.

>> take all the time you need.

>> what a bummer.

Sucks man.

It certainly seems like one of

Those things that kind of

Happens and is definitely no

One's fault.

>> you better hope this works

Out or I'm going to kill you.

>> yeah, why'd you mess with his

Relationship, man?

>> he's just depressed because

He's the only one of us who

Isn't with anyone.

>> she's right.

It is kind of hard for me to

Find someone -- wait.

Hey, pretty girl in the corner,

You want to hang out sometime?

>> sure.

>> oh look, I turned my life

Around.

All I did was tell candace the

Truth.

I'm always just telling my

Friends the truth.

>> how would you like it if I

Told you the truth all the time?

>> I'd love it.

I would love for you to tell me

The truth the whole time but be

Careful because you know the

Saying if you are throwing truth

And throwing around truth stones

You never know what can happen

If you break the truth house.

>> you do not want tohave a

Truth battle with me, my friend.

>> really?

Truth battle accepted.

Truth -- I pee in our shower.

>> truth -- so do I.

>> truth -- every time I've

Texted you back "Lol," I've

Never been laughing out loud.

Never ever.

Truth, if you shaved you would

Look like a 40-year-old hawk.

>> caw caw.

Truth, your body looks like a

Big bag of mayonnaise.

I don't have time for this!

>> I have to go talk to candace

And get her back here.

Truth, you think you are the

Star around here bridgit mendler

Is more famous than you.

>> truth -- that actually hurt

My feelings a little bit.

**

>> I need one reason why that

Girl is with him.

>> I'll name four --

Green card, organ theft, hired

Escort, or most likely, burski

Created her using a 3 d printer.

>> maybe she is trying to get

Back at her dad.

But then she should do what most

Pretty white girls do --

Get a tattoo or have a biracial

Baby.

>> I got this.

Hey karli, or whatever.

I got a question.

Do you know there are other men?

>> what?

>> I'm out of ideas.

>> maybe we should get going.

>> I don't understand how a girl

Like that ends up with him.

>> here is my shoulder, one step

At a time, please.

>> she thinks he's blind.

**

**

>> I'll see you later.

I'm just kidding.

Before you judge me let me

Explain how this happened.

>> too late, guilty.

>> I didn't do it on purpose.

I got my eyes dilated.

I didn't know she thought I was

Blind until later that night.

I just thought she liked leading

Me around the park and

Describing what trees look like.

>> why didn't you tell her?

>> I panicked and by then it was

Too late to say anything.

>> she asked you why you wear

Glasses?

>> I said I wear them

Ironically.

I figured it shows I have a good

Sense of humor about my

Blindness.

I need to tell her the truth.

>> you could just tell her that

You are a lying disgusting pig

That took advantage of a woman's

Mistakes.

>> that's not it.

>> you could tell her you have

An evil twin.

>> I actually do have a twin.

He has a crystal meth addiction,

Though.

I don't see him often.

>> because of the drugs.

>> no.

He travels a lot.

He's an airline pilot

**

>>look, I went out to get you

Because I figured out a way to

Fix this. You know how you need

Spoilers and you need to know

There's a happy ending?

What if I promise you that even

If this didn't work out you

Wouldn't lose all your friends?

>>how?

>>simple.

We have a friend draft.

We take turns picking friends

Until everyone's divvied up.

If we break up, those are the

Friends you keep.

>>what I like about this idea is

That it definitely won't end in

Hurt feelings.

>> shelly's right. No matter

What happens one team will lose

Unless someone here knows a way

To make two dannys.

>>no one wants two dannys.

Not enough dannys.

You'd need a work danny, a home

Danny, party danny, malibu beach

Danny, you need a granny danny

To help with the kids.

You need a nanny danny and a dan

Danny glover -- he's too old for

Crap, and maybe an international

Super villain danny,guttentag,

The bomb I've planted in your

Brain will go off if you don't

Blow up mount rushmore.

Wundabar.

But don't worry.

Don't you fret because we have

Cia danny here to save the day.

>> give us the gun, german

Danny!

I'm the real danny!

I'm the real danny!

[ cheers and applause ]

>> what was that?

>> I took out the clip and I

Stood across the floor and it

Went into the pool.

>> no idea why you are single.

>> let's get to mature stuff.

Welcome to the 2015 friend

Draft.

>> I hate to drop another truth

Bomb on you.

You're not doing anything here.

Nobody wants to do your dumb

Friend draft.

>> I'll take leslie.

>> I'll take shelly.

>> whoa, whoa, whoa.

You guys probably figured I was

Not going to be a part of the

Friend draft.

Go ahead and pick me.

>> I will take my best friend

Tv's scott foley.

>> I'm great in an ensemble.

You didn't do anything.

The only thing you accomplished

Is now you know shelly knows you

Like brett better than him.

>> I'm going to answer that by

Saying something my grandma said

To my grand father every

Morning.

I hope you die today.

Can you believe this crap?

>> I was the first overall pick,

So you can suck it.

>> big words from the justin

Bieber haircut over here.

>> I was there when felicity cut

Her hair, so I know about

Mistakes.

>> you watch your mouth, scott

Foley!

>> hey!

Tv's scott foley!

>> stop it!

>> feel like we exposed a lot of

Secrets right there.

We're not even dating yet, and

Look what this is doing to us.

My life hasn't been easy.

I grew up on the streets.

I was completely alone.

I haven't had any friends.

>> didn't you have like a street

Friend?

>> you think being homeless is

Funny?

>> no.

I love --

>> I don't think it's funny,

Either, just going on record.

>> you don't call them street

Friends.

So I finally built this life for

Myself with all of you amazing

People and I don't want to risk

Losing that.

I don't want to risk losing you

As a friend.

I'm sorry.

I don't think I can be with you

Right now.

I'm not saying never.

I'm just saying not right now.

Sorry.

>> that's okay.

When you're ready I will be here

Waiting for you whether it is a

Day from now or even two days

From now.

**

>>> been a rough day.

>> brett left because he is so

Sad.

>> he should be back any minute

Right now.

>> he was so upset with me.

That may be my handy work.

>> you have been a real jerk.

He should be here soon.

Not like there are many people

Waiting for him.

>> whatever.

As awkward as that relationship

Is it's not as awkward as that

One right there.

>> blue is my favorite color.

I wish you could see blue.

>> there is something I want to

Be honest with you about.

>> I love honesty.

Honesty from the start or I'm

Out of there.

>> I do know.

Honesty from the start.

That is what I want you to

Consider this moment from now on

To be as the start.

Agreed?

>> I think when we met was the

Start.

No.

I think that is the beginning.

This is the start of us.

>> then honesty from the

Beginning.

>> that's not what you said.

>> I can't take this anymore.

>> those are the greatest things

I've ever seen.

I mean those are the greatest

Things sensed.

>> you're not blind?

We're done.

Lose my number.

Why did you do that, les?

I actually like this girl.

I was about to tell her.

>> can you believe him?

>> what?

>> I can't believe you used your

Bosoms for evil.

You know with a great rack comes

Great responsibility.

>> you only did that because

You're jealous.

Can you believe these two?

They're like some evil brother

Sister partnership that wrecks

Everyone's relationships.

>> we have been over this.

All I did was tell the truth.

>>oh, so you still want to hide

Behind the truth.

Truth battle, danny.

>> truth, you look

>> truth battle accepted.

You know you would rather be on

The carmichael show.

>> I love that guy.

>> truth -- you're my friend and

I love you.

Truth, you're doing the truth

Battle wrong and making me feel

So bad.

>> you deserve it.

Look, any of us could have told

Candace that relationships don't

-- relationships fizzle out and

It is harder dating a friend.

But sometimes being a friend is

About the things you don't say.

>> I'm the worst.

I feel so bad about what I did.

Come on.

It will grow back.

>>> hey.

>> why did you do that?

You have a boyfriend.

>> every time I see you you make

Some crude comment about how

Great my body is or how hot I

Am.

Do you know how that feels like?

It's awesome.

I just even when I wake up

Feeling crappy about myself I

Know you are here to pick me up

And I know it is so selfish but

I'm afraid of losing that.

>> you're not going to lose

That.

You are with mike I know, but I

Really believe we are going to

End up together.

You know that every girl that

I'm with is just practice for

You?

>> that's so sweet.

Can you just end that thought

Right there without ruining it?

>> I can, however I don't really

Want to.

If I date enough girls I will be

So much better at sex for you.

I'm practicing alone but it's

Just not the same.

>> and we're back.

I called karli.

I told her how great you are and

This is all my fault.

She wants you to drop by.

Good night.

I am so sorry.

>> apology accepted.

>> leslie, I never told you I

Actually think your haircut is

Awesome.

It brings out your eyes a

Little.

It makes you look even more

Beautiful.

>> thanks.

>> I'm glad you're here.

What do you want, danny?

>> you know that gross word for

The thing you do when you feel

Really bad about hurting your

Best friend?

>> apologize?

>> ouch. Yeah, that's the one.

When I was younger I hated

Saying that word because it made

Me feel weak.

So my mom let me sub in the name

Of my favorite "Star wars"

Character.

>>why are you telling me this?

>>because justin, from the

Bottom of my heart I chewbacca.

Seriously, I can't chewbacca

Enough.

Will you please accept my

Chewbacca.

>> you're an idiot.

>> I'm not an idiot.

I just want you to be happy.

You know that candace likes you

So why don't you go convince her

To be with you.

>> I wish I could. But candace

Is right, it's a big risk for

Her.

I can't put her in that

Position.

I care about her too much.

>> fine.

I want to let you know I'm going

To go on record, I think you're

Making a huge jar jar binks.

>>> I can't really talk because

I'm busy doing something.

>> what are you guys doing?

>> watching justin and candace

Take turns stealing glances at

Each other.

[ laughter ]

>> how long is this supposed to

Last?

>> if the past two hours are any

Indication, forever.

>> and now everyone's gonna have

To watch this all year long.

>> I love a good "Will they,

Won't they."

It worked great on "Cheers" and

"Friends."

I love "Friends."

Don't ruin it for me.

Ross and rachel end up together.

>> which one's rachel?

>> any of us watching this knows

They will end up together.

>> thanks to danny we have to

Wait.

This can last all winter.

>> we have to watch this

Repetitive junk all season?

I can't take this anymore.

Candace, at first I thought it

Was justin's fault that you

Didn't wind up together because

He was too insecure to push you.

>> he always puts other people

Before himself.

>> it is his worst quality and

I'm trying to break him of it.

It turns out it's not his fault.

It's your fault.

Because you are a chicken.

I don't care if it hurts your

Feelings because I'm not going

To chewbacca for saying it.

>> I'm not a chicken, danny.

>> that's the interesting thing

About chickens is that you can't

Convince them to do anything.

You have to push them.

So, I have an idea.

You know what my cheesiest move

Is to pick up gr girls?

>> is it the way you dress like

You're my age even though you're

Closer to my dad's age?

>> okay, stop guessing.

I'll just tell you.

The chemistry test is what I

Use.

Funny thing is that it's real.

When you have a connection with

Someone and you get into their

Personal space and really close

I mean really close you can't

Not kiss them.

>> what if we don't kiss?

>> then you're probably not

Meant to be together anyway.

>> this is suspenseful.

>> danny, you're the one who

Told me that if it doesn't work

Out --

>> danny, leave her alone!!!

You're making her uncomfortable!

She doesn't like it and I don't

Like it either.

I'm sorry!

>> I like how you are playing my

Game but stop screaming in her

Face.

>> candace, I know you want

Spoilers and I know you want a

Promise there'll be a happy

Ending, but I can't do that.

You just have to decide if

Justin is worth the risk.

>> I'm so sorry, he shouldn't

Put you on the spot --

>> so, we're dating?

>> yeah.

>> I'm so happy.

>> I am, too.

>> I'm a lucky guy.

>> no!

She's a lucky girl.

She's a lucky, lucky girl.

I'm a lucky guy.

>> no.

No, no, no.

She's a lucky girl.

[ cheers and applause ]

**

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