Original subtitles

( exciting adventure theme plays )

MAN: This is how every Rex O'Herlihan movie ever made

always started.

It was the same every time.

And they made 52 of them in all

between the years 1938 and 1947.

( plays guitar )

( gunshots in distance )

Sounds like trouble.

On Wildfire, on!

( adventure theme resumes )

( whinnies )

Hyah!

MAN: 1947 was the year the lights sort of went out for Rex.

Yeah, he never did much after that.

Always made me kind of wonder

what one of these B Westerns would look like.

You know, if they still made them today.

( rumbling )

( adventure theme plays )

Uh... On, Wildfire, on!

MAN: In the first place,

the bad guys probably wouldn't all be such cowards.

Rex probably wouldn't be so damn perfect all the time.

( grunts )

( pained grunting )

( quiet prairie theme plays )

( horse whinnies )

( clears throat )

( plays slow melody on guitar )

( other instruments accompany melody )

Root's beginning to work.

The prairie sun has kissed the day goodbye

( voices harmonize )

Yeah, it's definitely kicking in now.

The wind behind me sounds like it may cry

Here we go.

Now I hear the lonesome whistle of a quail

As I ride alone

Along the tumbleweed trail

The road ahead's as endless as the one I left behind

But there are no ties to hold me down

Because I was born the drifting kind

With just a faithful horse for company

And a saddle for my home

Yo-da-la-he, yo-da-la-he

I ride alone

Yo-da-la-he, yo-da-la-he

I ride alone

Whooo-oooh

Morning, ma'am. Morning.

( small dog yelps inside )

( chattering )

( harmonica playing "Oh! Susannah" )

Glass of warm milk, please.

Make it a sarsaparilla.

Is this one of those really tough bars?

Oh. Well, let me have a large glass of warm gin

served with a human hair in it.

Coming up.

MAN: This here story is about the time the most wonderful

and interesting thing happened to Rex.

He met me.

Let me guess.

You're new here at Oakwood Estates, aren't you, mister?

You buy me a drink, I'll tell you what's going on.

Bartender, make that two.

Okay, Okay. Here's what's happening.

Most of these people are nobodies. Forget about them.

That group over there, those are the sheepherders.

They're the good guys. Work hard, don't bother nobody.

But they smell God-awful.

( whispers ): Must be the sheep.

Makes you wanna kill them sometimes. Oh, yeah.

( makes horse-like sound )

( coughs and sputters )

Now, over here is the sheriff.

Obviously a corrupt old coward,

who takes his orders from the colonel.

The colonel? Yeah, the colonel.

The power-mad cattle baron who really runs the town.

Oh, yeah.

Can I have another drink? I'm the town drunk, you know.

Sure. Warm gin!

( spits )

Hold the hair.

( piano plays upbeat saloon music )

I like this color on you.

Who's that, over there?

Oh... that's Miss Tracy.

TOWN DRUNK: She solicits drinks, hooks on the side.

But, you know, she doesn't actually

go to bed with her customers.

She just talks dirty to them.

And underneath that exterior is a heart of gold.

Yeah.

How did you know that?

I know.

Of course, I don't have to pay for sex myself.

( makes horse-like sound )

( makes sounds and sputters )

You'll excuse me, won't you?

Hi, hi, wanna know what's going on?

( ominous theme plays )

( piano stops playing )

I smell sheep.

Bad guys, work for the colonel.

Now, there wouldn't happen to be any...

sheepherders in here, would there?

I'm not wearing a gun.

And I'm not going to do anything

that might in any way cause you--

It's a tough town.

Sorry about the table, saloon owner.

Uh, that's, that's okay, Blackie. No problem.

Since it's Tuesday, have a free drink.

SALOON OWNER: It's on the house. BROKER: Blackie.

You can kill me, too, if you want.

But I think it's exactly this type of thing

that drives down property values here in Oakwood Estates--

( yells )

That was the town doctor.

I'm kidding. Just some real estate guy.

Sorry about that, sheriff.

( in Scottish accent ): Well, you certainly don't have to apologize to me.

These fellas were driving you crazy.

I swear, sometimes I don't know how you put up with it.

Anybody else got anything to say?

TRACEY: I do.

I think you're out of order, Blackie.

What do you know? You're just a prostitute!

Someone who sells her body to anyone

with the financial wherewithal to--

All right!

That'll be enough of that kind of talk.

What in the hell are you?

Just a stranger, passing through.

Where in the hell did you get that shirt?

How a person dresses is nobody's business but his or her own.

BLACKIE: What? You heard me.

You know what you look like to me?

You look like one of those fellas

who's attracted to other men.

( saloon patrons gasp )

This is just a warning.

If you or your men draw on me,

I'll shoot each man in the hand.

In the hand?

That's right.

Not in the face or the chest?

Nope.

I don't like the idea of getting shot in the hand.

Then go home, Blackie.

Go home? That's right.

Go home?

( loudly ): Yeah, and see someone about your hearing.

Draw your gun, prairie fairy.

I never draw first.

Well, hell. That's no problem.

Well, don't just stand there, boys. Get him.

Now!

Uh-oh.

Now we've done it.

All right, you two.

Get your friend and get out of here.

But he's dead.

So what?

Get him out of here.

You ain't heard the last of this, mister.

I know.

Believe me, I know.

Mister, I never saw shooting like that in my life.

You're good.

Thanks, partner.

( prairie theme plays )

Was that as good for you as it was for me?

Yeah.

Excuse me. Excuse me there, stranger.

You got a place to stay?

I got a campsite outside of town.

Why don't you stay in the hotel?

I never stay in town.

Oh. What's your name, anyhow?

I'm Rex O'Herlihan, The Singing Cowboy.

The what? The Singing Cowboy!

Oh, well, listen, Mr. O'Herlihan.

You got to be careful here in Oakwood Estates.

This is a plenty dangerous town.

High-stakes power plays, murder, robbery, intrigue, the works.

You think that's funny? This is the West, pal.

People are arbitrarily shot to pieces left and right.

I mean, it is all so violent!

( grunts )

Where was I? Huh?

Oh. "It's all so violent."

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, see, this is the West.

And out here in the West--

I know all about the West.

I travel all over it, from town to town.

That's what I do.

Yeah, but see, in this town--

This town's no different than any other Western town.

They're all identical.

They are? Uh huh.

Really? Yeah, really.

In every town there's a bar like that one we just came from.

They might not all have continuous entertainment,

but they're basically the same.

The sheriff's totally stereotypical,

and so is the saloon owner with that moustache...

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Those guys are unique.

I'm sorry, but I just don't believe you.

Okay, you have a very pretty,

but somehow asexual, new schoolmarm?

Yeah.

Is the blacksmith a big, friendly guy who only gets mad

when somebody burns down his barn?

Yeah.

Is the editor of the paper a young idealist

who's hocked everything to buy his press?

Damn.

See.

Hey, hey, I know one thing that's--

( groans and thuds )

I know one thing that's different about Oakwood Estates.

I know that none of these other towns have--

The railroad coming through.

Holy cow!

All Western towns have the railroad coming through?

Yep.

Wait! Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

One last thing. Do all these towns have a town drunk?

I'm not sure.

Oh, come on.

( whistles ) ( horse whinnies )

You know.

No, you're the first I ever met.

Oh, well, that's something at least, isn't it?

Sure is, partner. You're one of a kind.

( chuckling )

You ought to... You ought to travel more.

Get out, see the world.

You know, the most amazing thing

is that all these other towns are as violent as this one.

Yep.

Hard to believe.

Yep. Adiós, buckaroo.

On, Wildfire, on!

TOWN DRUNK: For some reason the bad guy was always a colonel

who had a beautiful young daughter

and about 1,000 head of cattle which you'd hear but never see.

( cows mooing )

( clock chimes )

Let me just ask you one question.

There's one thing I'm most curious about.

Why bring the body here?

My God, this is a home. People live here!

Well, colonel, we didn't know exactly what to do with him.

Bury him.

How about that? Don't you think that's a good idea?

Oh, yeah. Yes, sir. Yes, sir, colonel.

I mean, do you think when somebody dies,

they place them permanently on the family couch?

No, sir.

Gee whiz!

Well, I'm, I'm, I'm sorry. I'm a little upset, that's all.

And the couch is new, and Blackie was my best man.

Poor Blackie.

Always acting so mean.

Always shooting people.

Well...

I saw something a little deeper than that.

I saw a man who could feel.

Who could touch.

I think we should go.

You say this stranger shot Blackie in the back?

Yes, sir. He got everybody in the bar to say that we done it.

Now, can you believe that?

Then he's a coward and a liar!

You better take care of him.

Uh, how do you mean?

Shoot him!

End his life,

that's what I mean when I say take care of somebody.

I want you to cut him open, reach in with your bare hands...

Hi, Daddy, am I interrupting?

No.

I was just telling the boys here how to bury Blackie.

Daddy, can I have Wildfire for my very, very own?

Oh, please, Daddy. I'll be careful, I promise.

Wildfire is a lot of horse, little lady.

Oh, Daddy, please!

If anybody can ride him, I can.

Please, please, please, please, please.

Well, I guess you're right. He's yours.

Oh, thank you, Daddy!

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Bury Blackie?

Yeah, he's on the couch there, dead.

( screams ): No!

( sobbing )

Um...

You and Blackie dated?

Dated?

Oh, Daddy, we did everything together. Everything.

Oh, my God.

I knew the real Blackie.

Oh, Daddy, he could feel. He could touch.

Oh, my God!

Take care of her, men.

No, not that! Take her upstairs is what I meant.

Gee whiz!

( whistles "I Ride Alone" )

( suspenseful theme plays )

( gunshots echo )

( cows moo )

Hyah! Hyah!

My dearest mother.

MAN: Hey, shh.

MAN 2: Quiet. MAN 3: Quiet. Shh.

Send $1,000...

for supplies...

and travel.

Thanking you in advance.

REX: I am... Let's shoot him now.

No. Let's be on the safe side, wait till he's asleep.

REX: ...The Singing Cowboy.

( horse snorts )

( suspenseful theme crescendos )

JUD: He's gone.

JIM: He's not gone, you idiot.

He's somewhere out there in the dark.

He got the drop on us.

Howdy, stranger.

Howdy.

JIM: We're looking for someone named... Betty.

There's no Betty here.

No Betty here?

Did you hear that, fellas?

I reckon we came to the wrong campsite.

I reckon you did.

( suspenseful theme plays )

You fellas are making a big mistake.

Oh? How's that?

The way you positioned yourselves.

When the shooting starts...

you're likely to miss me and hit each other.

You think you're real smart. Don't you, fella?

When I see something that's obviously wrong,

I usually speak up.

Well, I hope you're good in arithmetic, too, fella.

Because there's only one of you and there's... five of us.

Oh, that doesn't matter.

How do you mean, it doesn't matter?

Just to be semi-fair,

I'll only use one gun.

Oh, we've got a real smart aleck on our hands, haven't we, boys?

All you have to do is draw.

What if we don't wanna draw?

Now, that would be fine with me.

Actually, I'd prefer it.

But we do wanna draw. Don't we, men?

Anytime, boys.

( suspenseful theme crescendos )

( gunshots )

( cows moo )

You're the only one I can turn to now, Wildfire.

You're like me.

You're wild and free and headstrong,

but you love me.

That's why I'm the only, only person

in the whole world who can ride you.

I'm getting tired of getting shot in the hand.

Oh, shut up.

What are we going to tell the colonel?

We'll tell him we need help to kill this guy. And lots of it.

( horse whinnies and daughter grunts )

( colonel in sing-song voice ) Who is it?

A bunch of your men.

Five of them.

( colonel clears throat ): I'll be right there, men.

Did you kill him?

Uh... no, not exactly.

Not exactly?

Well, we tried to kill him, colonel,

but he shot us in the hands.

In the hands?

Yeah, it hurts too.

Colonel, I was thinking. I think we ought to talk

to the railroad men about helping us to kill this guy.

I don't like going to the railroad for help.

But this guy's faster on the draw than Blackie was.

Yeah, colonel, and he never misses what he's aiming at.

Well...

maybe we should go to the railroad people.

Meantime, why don't you all come in,

make yourselves comfortable and we'll gab about it.

Well, we can't, colonel.

We have to, you know, go to town,

see the doctor about our hands.

And it's a weeknight. Yeah.

Oh, all right, good night!

Good night.

By the way, have any of you seen my daughter?

No. No. No, sir, colonel.

She's probably out riding Wildfire.

There's one little lady who can take care of herself.

Yes, sir.

DAUGHTER: Help! Help!

Whoa, help!

( horse whinnies )

( mysterious theme plays )

TOWN DRUNK: In the '60s,

they started making these spaghetti Westerns.

I was always jealous of these guys

because they had better background music than we did.

They all got to wear those great raincoats,

even when it was 110 in the shade.

Now the trouble was,

you could hardly understand anything they said.

COLONEL: Colonel, don't you think

you and me ought to work together?

I mean, I know our men dress differently,

but look what we have in common.

We're both rich.

We're both power-mad.

And we're both colonels.

Now, that's got to count for something.

( train whistle blows )

( in foreign accent ) Tell me...

tell me about this stranger who shoots men in the hand.

Could his presence here result in an all-out range war?

Well, maybe not a range war exactly,

but certainly a lot of killing.

You have my word on that, a lot of it!

All right.

Count us in.

Oh, good, good, good.

Now, the first thing we have to do

is keep the element of surprise.

This fancy shooting fella has got to be kept

completely in the dark about what we're doing.

( footsteps and spurs jingle )

Hey, look!

( rousing theme plays )

What the... ?

Somebody pull the emergency brake! Quick!

No! Don't!

( wheels squeal and whistle blows )

Get the horses!

We can't, colonel. We left them at the station.

Oh, you idiots!

What were we supposed to do, buy them tickets?

Have you got three rifles with telescopic sights?

Yes.

You missed! How could you miss?

Even with these sights,

we got a target 100 yards away, maybe more.

We've never fired these weapons before!

There's a definite wind factor,

and we got a problem with the sun!

Just shoot, okay?

Well, hell, we're going to be here all day.

( mysterious theme plays )

This isn't going to be easy, is it?

REX: On, Wildfire, on!

Have you got a light?

Yeah, I got a light.

Your butt and my face.

Now, wait a minute.

I got a match.

Yeah, and it's... It's not your butt.

It's, uh... It's, uh... It's my butt!

Yeah, my butt and...

My butt and...

Oh, hi, stranger, wanna know what's going on?

I'm the town doctor, you fool.

Oh, yeah. Hi, doc. How's it going?

Bartender, shot of bourbon.

I didn't recognize you at first.

You look like you seen a ghost.

I've seen worse than that.

Where's the hair?

It's in there.

Last night, five men came to me,

all complaining of hand injuries.

Almost identical.

Just now, not more than 20 minutes ago,

three more men came in with the same wound.

Is that just a coincidence?

Well, what do you think it is, doc?

I can't be sure.

I don't want to start a panic,

but I think...

I think it's some kind of bacteria that splits the skin.

Fortunately, so far, it's just confined to males,

but who can tell?

I'm not prepared to fight this kind of thing.

I don't have the tools. I don't have the know-how.

I don't have the drugs!

Will you excuse me, doc?

Sure.

Just talk? Uh huh.

That's it? That's it.

For $600? Yeah.

These are the 1880s, $600 is a fortune.

Los Angeles real estate is going for 50 cents an acre. An acre!

I can get a steak for a dime.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Hi, Miss Tracy. Hi.

Would you excuse me?

EMCEE: Let's have a big hand now, for Miss Tina...

Okay.

...and her birds from Brazil.

You wanted to see me, Miss Tracy?

Yes.

You know that stranger in here yesterday?

The one whose trousers virtually suck to his legs.

Yes, ma'am.

Where's he hanging out?

You know what I mean, hanging out?

Yeah, yeah, he has a campsite just outside of town.

What's his name?

You know, his handle.

Rex O'Herlihan, The Singing Cowboy.

The what?

The Singing Cowboy.

Well, I want him.

I want to...

( whispers inaudibly )

( voices harmonize )

( chuckles )

Tell the mule what happened. Go on, tell him.

( horse whinnies )

Oh, it was something.

Really something.

Those guys even had scope rifles too.

( sighs )

Yeah, it was incredible.

I mean, I knew the whole plan, naturally,

but who cares about that?

The thing of it was... The thing was jumping on top of Wildfire,

and those guys hitting the brakes.

( horse whinnies in distance )

DAUGHTER: Help.

( exciting theme plays )

On, Wildfire, on!

( indistinct sounds )

Hyah!

Help!

( daughter screams )

Whoa, whoa.

( romantic theme plays and birds chirp )

Where am I?

Uh...

in a small village, just north of Oslo, Norway.

Really?

No.

Actually, you're a few miles outside of Oakwood Estates.

Oh, you were teasing me, weren't you?

Yep.

Oh, I like that.

( town drunk chuckles )

Every time Rex got close

to having some sort of relationship with a girl,

you could bet something else would happen.

Thanks for washing my dress.

Oh, my pleasure.

I never have problems with ground-in dirt stains.

Blood and chocolate are the tough ones.

Ah.

Do you live around here?

Oh, you work around here, then.

You're on vacation.

No, not really.

I wanna thank you-- You know--

( both laughing )

You go. No, you.

No, you.

Well, what I was going to say was

it certainly is some horse of yours.

Yes! Oh, he's been dragging me around since last night.

He's an Arabian. They have great stamina.

Yeah, I know.

His name is Wildfire.

What? His name is Wildfire.

Are you kidding me?

No, I don't think so.

My horse's name is Wildfire!

No! Yes.

Oh, that's amazing.

That's an incredible coincidence. It really is.

Don't you just love it, the name Wildfire?

Yeah, it's the greatest, the best.

Have you got any more of that plant?

Oh, yeah, sure, there's some in the, uh...

What?

What is it? ( rustling )

Shh.

Oh, don't worry about it. You're just getting paranoid.

Someone's coming.

I don't hear anything. ( footsteps approaching )

Trust me, someone's coming.

Look, I want you to hide in those trees down there,

just for a little while.

Why? Well, I mean, how does it look?

I mean, here you are, a nice girl without any clothes on,

and I'm, you know, a good guy.

I'd appreciate it.

All right.

In the trees? Yeah.

Just for a couple of minutes. Thank you.

What's your name, by the way?

Rex.

Oh, my gosh.

What?

My dog's name is Rex.

( nervously ) Ha.

( saxophone plays )

Hello, Rex.

Hi.

Remember me?

Yeah, you're Miss Tracy, the town, uh...

Hostess.

Yeah. Right.

Howdy, ma'am.

Howdy.

Oh...

Most men I know only have one gun.

Huh?

Oh, sorry about that.

( owl hoots )

REX: Seriously, I'm kind of busy here.

I have to feed the fire and keep the horses maintained...

Come on, Rex, can't you even offer a girl a drink?

( kettle clanking )

Okay. One quick drink. Why not?

I have a bottle of sherry that my mother sent me.

Hasn't been opened since Christmas.

I don't usually drink myself, you understand.

( thunder clap )

Okay, one little sherry then...

( saxophone plays )

Well?

Oh, Miss Tracy, you got the wrong guy, really.

I'm ready, Rex.

Ready for what?

A nice, long... conversation.

Oh, no, no, no, you don't understand.

I can't talk like that.

So sing it.

I'd love to, but I...

( rattling sound )

What is it?

Someone's coming.

Someone's coming?

Yeah, out there, aw... Oh.

Look, you'd better hide behind that boulder.

Why?

Why? 'Cause you're in your underwear,

and I'm... You know what I mean. I'm a straight shooter.

Good.

Oh, please, get behind that boulder. It won't be long.

As a special favor to me.

Okay. Yeah.

But you owe me.

Whoo.

( coyote howling )

REX: Thank you so much.

Ah!

I though I told you to hide in the trees.

I heard a woman's voice.

What? No, you didn't. That was...

That's just some old hoot owl, hooting.

Whose cape is this?

Mine. This is just part of my stuff.

It's cold out here, don't you think?

Rex, are you okay?

I'm fine, fine, just fine.

Now, go hide in the trees. I'll call you when it's safe.

Okay.

Oh, what a night!

Hi. Remember me?

Sure, you're the town drunk. Yeah.

How do you like my new outfit?

It's nice, very nice.

So's yours.

Thank you.

Mine's a sidekick outfit. I know.

And you don't have a sidekick. Am I right?

That's right.

Well...

What about me?

Now, look, uh, uh...

Peter.

Look, Peter, I don't have a sidekick.

I ride alone. That's my style.

But you could use a sidekick, couldn't you?

No, sorry, but even my theme song says I ride alone.

( singing ): Yo-da-la-he, yo-da-la-he

I ride alone

Change it.

What do you mean, change it?

It took me four years to get that right.

It did?

There's no sidekick opening,

so if you'll excuse me, I have to...

PETER: Mr. O'Herlihan, now look, I could provide comedy relief.

What's going to happen to me in Oakwood Estates?

I'm just the town drunk.

I want more than that. I wanna see the world.

I wanna see other towns, at least.

I told you, they're all the same.

But you don't know that for sure.

I do, Peter.

I know lots of things and one thing I do know for sure

is I can't have a sidekick,

even if I wanted one.

You see, I...

I know what happens.

I know the future.

What?

Look, please go.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

I made a fool out of myself again.

I ought to just go back to the gutter where I belong.

Aw... What are you doing?

I'm getting out of this stupid outfit.

I got my drunk suit here in the bag.

TRACEY: Can I have my drink, please?

Who was that?

Just somebody who wants a drink.

The range is full of them.

I dropped the blanket in the dark.

That's okay, I'll find it tomorrow.

TRACEY: You gave her a blanket?

I had to nearly rape you for a lousy sherry.

He rides alone?

You're the most un-alone guy I ever met.

Look, I can explain all of this.

( suspenseful theme plays )

Oh, no. ( hoofbeats approaching )

Now what? The sheepherders.

The sheepherders!

Oh, Rex, they can't see me here.

I'm the cattle baron's daughter.

You are?

Mm-hm.

SHEEPHERDER: Mr. Rex.

Over here!

PETER: Over here!

( in unison ): Hello.

Hello.

Hello. Hello.

Uh...

We're a little informal here tonight.

I wasn't expecting you till tomorrow.

You know we were coming?

He knows the future.

Well, why don't you come on in.

Just grab a seat anywhere.

SHEEPHERDER: Thank you. REX: Anywhere you like.

Fine, fine. Good, good.

Mr. Rex, we need your help.

I know.

You do?

Yesterday, in the bar, they shot my son.

I'm sorry, I didn't know he was your son.

Oh, please, Mr. Rex, you must help us!

You are our only hope!

I understand.

Without you, we are doomed!

I know.

Doomed, I tell you! Doomed!

Okay, he gets it. Okay?

What the hell's wrong with you?

Uh, sir. Me?

Yes. Don't worry. I'm going to help you.

Someone like me has always helped you,

is helping you and always will be helping you.

What?

Excuse me, what is this?

REX: It's just a root.

Mm. From now on, I'm the town root junkie.

Sir. What?

I think you should know the cattlemen have joined forces

with the railroad guys.

( screams )

If you scream one more time, I'll tear your heart out.

Do you hear me?

Sir, I cannot defeat the cattlemen

and the railroad guys by myself.

I'm going to need the help of every sheepherder.

Oh, no, Mr. Rex, we don't fight.

We don't believe in that.

Let the old men who start the wars fight the wars.

That's our motto.

Well, I'll fight them by myself. It's not a big problem.

PETER: No, you won't!

I'll fight them with you.

You and me together, Rex. No.

Oh, give him a break, Rex.

He wants it so much.

You know what I'm saying?

Oh, please!

Then let him fight. He wants to fight.

He's a young man. Let him fight.

You need somebody. Come on, do something different.

Look, I'm the only one here that knows what's going to happen.

SHEEPHERDER: He wants to fight. Let him fight.

He's a young man. He can do it.

TRACEY: Look at that cute little face.

( indistinct arguing )

PETER: And that's how me and Rex actually got together.

I'll never forget that next day.

( slow travelling theme plays )

I think at first, he was trying to get rid of me.

REX: Come on.

You wanna be a sidekick, you gotta learn the ropes.

Okay, Rex.

Okay.

( grunts )

REX: Good. Very good.

( high pitched voice ): Thank you.

Thank you very much.

( chuckles )

All right. Okay.

Yo-de-lay-he...

( sizzling )

PETER: But later, he and I wrote a song together,

and because I could sing real good,

I started winning him over.

That's great. Great chords. Let's do it again.

Okay.

I'll get by

I'll wait until the rivers run dry

If it takes a million years, girl, I

Will know a million years can't come too soon

Somehow, somewhere

Our eyes will meet, and then and there

The sparks will set a magic night on fire

And I'll lasso

You the moon

That's terrific.

Great!

Come on, come on. We're going for a swim.

I don't know, Rex.

Ah, there's nothing to it.

I'm a little nervous. It's just water.

( both yell )

I really had no idea what this job was all about.

( soft laugh ): It's not easy.

( Peter laughs )

I'll tell you, Rex,

if it wasn't for these roots, I bet I'd be sore all over.

Well, time to hit the sack.

Night, Peter.

Pleasant dreams, Rex.

Hey, Rex. Hm?

It's a silly question, I guess,

but do really know the future?

Yes.

Wanna explain that?

I told you all those towns are the same.

Yeah.

Well...

the same thing keeps happening in all these towns.

The bad guys, who are usually rich for some reason,

are always taking advantage of the good guys,

who are usually poor.

I ride into town and join forces with the good guys,

defeat the bad guys, and then I ride out. Over and over.

It's my karma, I guess.

Your what?

Uh...

Try to get some sleep, Peter. Tomorrow's the big shootout.

Okay.

Shootout? Mm-hm.

PETER: Look, I painted a circle around Isabel's eye. What do you think?

REX: I think you're weird.

PETER: Rex, about this shootout, what are your plans?

REX: Oh, I don't know.

I guess I'll shoot the guns out of their hands.

Well, uh...

how many will there be?

I don't know.

Don't know?

I thought you knew the future. Oh, in general.

In general?

No specifics? Mm-mm.

Maybe I should buy me a steel helmet or something.

You wanted the sidekick job.

( grand, epic theme playing )

I don't see anybody.

This is it.

( rumbling )

( suspenseful theme plays )

Holy mackerel.

I made a mistake.

We can't beat this many men.

Now...

Now you realize that?

I mean, damn, Rex.

For a guy who knows the future--

There's just too many of them.

Usually 40 percent chicken out.

I didn't think they'd have this good a turnout.

What are we going to do?

( sighs )

I'm thinking. Good.

Good.

Everyone whose birthday occurs on an even-numbered day,

aim at Rex.

Everyone with an odd-numbered birthday, aim at the nerd.

I'm going to try and distract them.

When I give you the word, you ride away.

No problem.

Ready, aim--

Let me do it. Let me do it. I want to do it.

Fine, I don't care.

Ready!

Aim!

( suspense theme playing )

( whimsical theme plays )

Oh, he is very good.

( applause and whistles )

Wish my horse could do that. Me too.

( laughs )

Let's get out of here.

REX: Take off! Now!

PETER: Yee-haw!

Well, don't just stand there. After them, men!

We can't go after them, colonel. We're up here on this ridge.

Gee whiz!

You told us to get up here.

We need to talk.

This is really embarrassing.

PETER: Go, Isabel!

This sort of thing drove the bad guys crazy.

And they did everything they could think of

to get rid of us.

Of course, it never worked.

Wow.

Because in the first place,

Rex always knew what they were going to do

before they did it.

Hey! Good night, boys. See you tomorrow.

And in the second place, they were the bad guys,

so they couldn't win.

Jud.

Yes, sir.

Throw another fagot on the fire.

What?

Another log. Throw another log on the fire.

Oh! Yes, sir, right away. Damn.

We know one thing. What?

Brute force doesn't work.

He always outsmarts us.

That's right.

That means we've got to outsmart him.

The problem is,

we are bad and he's good,

so he always beats us.

That's the problem.

Wait a minute. What?

That's it.

I've got it!

Got what?

A truly great idea!

PETER: What the colonel had was a truly great idea.

Of course, all we knew,

at the time, was what usually happened.

The bad guys would get themselves a hired gun

and a shootout would follow.

But I could tell Rex was getting a little edgy.

It was like he knew something was going to happen

that hadn't happened before.

When's the showdown?

What?

When's this guy going to come to town?

Tomorrow. I fight him tomorrow.

Well, what do you wanna do now?

You wanna go swimming or iron shirts? Huh?

Swim or shirts?

You go back to camp, Peter. I need some time alone.

Oh, come on, Rex. I need some me time.

Me time?

Hey, hey, how about I have the girls out?

No.

Don't you like girls, Rex? Yes!

Yes, I like them very much.

I'll see you tonight, Peter.

So long, Rex.

On, Wildfire, on.

( ominous theme playing )

( hoofbeats clomping )

PETER: ...company, and a saddle for my home

Yo-da-la-he--

All right, let's take it on home, Miss Tracy.

PETER AND TRACY: Yo-da-la-he, yo-da-la-he

I ride...

( in unison ): Alone

I was good that time.

We'll finally get this thing right.

Hi, Rex.

Hey, Rex, how's tricks? You know, tricks.

What's going on here?

Rex, I was lonely.

You were lonely?

You don't know what lonely is, sport.

May I have my guitar, please?

I don't suppose you know that my mother gave me this guitar

and I hold the copyright on that song you were singing.

No, I didn't.

This is my campsite. I live here.

I'm the one who found the spot.

I'm the one who put the rocks in a circle to make a fire.

Rex, I am completely out of line.

That's right.

And it won't ever happen again.

Correct. It won't, Peter.

Relax, Rex, we all just had a root.

You know, root.

REX: Oh, good, my roots!

Go ahead, eat them all. Have a big old time.

But you're going to have to excuse me.

Some of us have a gunfight tomorrow.

Girls, uh...

I think you better get dressed and go.

He's not himself.

Rex.

Go home, Peter.

Okay.

Okay, I'm fired.

I deserve it.

But... But I just want to say one thing.

I hope you shoot Mr. Barber in both hands.

Who?

Barber.

Bob Barber.

Bob Barber?

Yeah, that's what the colonel's daughter called him.

Not Bad Bob Barber?

Bothersome Bob Barber?

Bob "The Butcher" Barber?

No.

No, just Bob.

Oh.

Look, I'll see you later.

It's been fun.

( rousing Western theme playing )

MAN: I can see by your outfit that you are a cowboy

You can see by my outfit

I'm a cowboy too-- ( boot stomps )

( clock chiming )

Hello, Rex.

Bob? Bob Barber?

Yep.

Though some folks call me Wrangler Bob Barber.

Nice outfit.

Thanks. So is yours.

Just something I threw together.

Same here.

You don't wear the same outfit every day?

No, that's boring.

Yeah.

Ever face another good guy before?

No.

Me neither.

Kind of makes you wonder what will happen.

I guess the good guy will win, just like always.

Yep. Except we're both good guys.

Then I reckon the most good good guy will win.

That's the way I figure too.

Yep.

( spurs jingling )

( spurs jingling )

You can't beat me, Bob. You work for the colonels.

That makes me the most good. I don't see how I can lose.

Yeah. But I don't drink whiskey with hair in it.

Me neither. I just buy it.

And I don't have the colonel's daughter,

who's practically a minor,

out to my campsite after dark.

Well, that was wrong, I admit, but--

In the company of a known prostitute

and a notorious alcoholic.

Yeah, you see, but they--

True or false? True, but--

And there were drugs present?

Well, you could say that.

Yes or no?

Yes! What are you, a lawyer?

Used to be, yeah.

Look, I know this all sounds bad, but it's--

You did all this stuff,

and you still call yourself a good guy?

Yeah. Yeah, you're damn right I do.

You don't have to curse.

I'll curse if I want to!

Damn, damn, hell, damn,

tee-tee, doo-doo. ( giggling )

( gasps )

Now hold on there, little buckaroos.

You can't be hearing language like that.

Get on back to school, obey your teachers and study really hard.

Nice going.

I also understand you're 31, single and don't even date.

What? The colonel told me.

What exactly are you getting at? Nothing.

Except you and I both know in order to be a good guy,

you gotta be a confident heterosexual.

A what?

A confident heterosexual.

Well, of course I know that. Everybody knows that.

Come on, let's draw. I'm going to shoot you in both hands.

Okay. Since we're both good guys,

neither of us can draw first.

I'll count down from five.

Let's go.

Five, four...

You said, "a confident heterosexual"?

Yes.

I thought it was just a heterosexual.

No, no, it's a confident heterosexual.

You're sure? I'm sure.

I didn't know that.

Ah. Hm.

Well, don't worry, Rex, I'm not going to hurt you.

I'm just going to shoot the guns out of your hands.

Rather you shoot me in the heart.

You know I can't do that.

Five.

Four.

Confident.

Three.

Two.

Wait a minute. Hold it.

Uh,

I can't fight you today.

Uh, I'll fight you tomorrow or, or maybe Thursday.

Yeah, Thursday would be good. I'll see you then.

( melancholy theme plays )

PETER: And Rex backed down, first time ever.

And right away, everybody got down on him.

Coward!

MAN: Pervert!

MAN 2: Libertine!

PETER: You know how people are.

They're probably just like this in your hometown.

Free thinker!

Homo!

( crowd yelling )

No!

No! Hey, you!

Never mind.

Hey, you! You can't talk to my friend like that!

( smash )

Well, what are you going to do?

Where will you go?

I don't know.

I'm certainly not the good guy anymore.

I guess the first thing I'll do is get some new clothes.

Understated stuff, lots of browns.

Then I guess I'll have to sell Wildfire.

What?

I have to. He's too good a horse for me now.

Hey. Hey, Rex.

Let's get the targets and go practice. What do you say?

Peter, practice doesn't have anything to do with it.

It's all psychological.

If you're confident, you win.

If you're not confident, you lose. And I'm not confident.

About what?

About...

About...

You know what my life is like. I'm on the road all the time.

So, you know, I kiss the girls, and then I leave, and...

That's all I do. I just kiss them.

It never gets any further than that.

This is 1884. You gotta date and date and date and date

and sometimes marry them even before they'll...

You know.

Now, wait a minute.

You mean, you've never...

Never.

My God, Rex.

You are a good guy.

He wouldn't fight.

He's scared.

It's a combination of guilt and insecurity.

It's obvious that he's not at all at home with his sexuality.

What? His sexuality.

Oh.

Well,

that definitely finishes him as a good guy.

You can't be a good guy and scared.

Well, I'm not so sure.

I want him taken care of permanently.

Bob, you've got to go out and get him.

I can't.

If he's backed down, I can't go after him. It wouldn't be nice.

Then we've got to draw him back to you.

How?

Do something despicable to him.

Something so rotten he'll have to come back in.

Naturally, I can't have a hand in any of that.

Of course, of course.

Cookie? Thanks.

PETER: Rex must have known something was up,

because he took special precautions with my safety.

But he didn't care about himself.

He even threw away his guns.

True to their word, the bad guys did something despicable.

Something that really made Rex mad...

and didn't amuse me much, either.

MAN: Hey, drunk!

Peter!

( mournful theme playing )

( guns cocking )

( triumphant theme playing )

On, Wildfire. On!

( dog barking wildly )

( laughing giddily )

( screams )

Oh, good morning, Mr. Rex.

Get your rifle and come with me.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Rex. I cannot do that.

Let the old men who start the wars fight the wars.

Either you get your rifle and come with me,

or I'll shoot your wife in the shoulder.

( screams )

( ominous theme playing )

( triumphant theme playing )

( yells )

BOY: He's coming!

He's coming!

He's coming!

And he's standing in the saddle!

Standing in the saddle?

It's not important.

It means nothing. He's just showing off.

( horses neighing in distance )

COLONEL: It looks like he's brought some folks with him.

( crowd reacts to smell )

I'm back, Bob.

Morning, Rex.

Nice to see you.

Now!

( gunshot )

( man groaning )

Ow! Oh...

Yee-haw!

Just like you said, Rex!

( yelling )

What?! Oh, now, wait just a minute here.

This really came out of the blue.

We shot that guy yesterday.

Twice. Twice!

With shotguns. I mean, come on!

You think Rex O'Herlihan doesn't know

that his sidekick always gets killed? Huh? Huh?

Why do you think he didn't hire me right away?

Why do you think he made me wear this? Ha, ha!

Wake up,

you jugheads.

He's always two steps ahead of guys like you.

Rex, I didn't know about the man on the roof.

I had absolutely nothing to do with this.

I don't approve of your actions here today.

We're going to have to talk about it.

I'm tired of talking.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

REX: Hold your fire!

Hold your fire!

There's no reason for anybody to get involved in this

except for Bob and me.

Little late, big guy.

All my men are dead.

Every single one of them.

Who's going to build the railroad now?

Forget about the railroad.

Forget the railroad?

That's very simple for you to say.

We'll talk later.

No. We'll talk now!

I think you are overbearing.

And I think he is... boring.

And I wish I had never gotten involved in any of this.

Auf wiedersehen!

Well, Rex, you wanna call it off?

No.

You started this. I'm going to finish it.

Five...

Still got the same problems.

Four...

We could just walk away from it. Three.

Whatever you want.

Two. Violence is no solution.

One.

( dramatic, suspenseful theme building )

You're not a good guy at all.

I'm a lawyer, you idiot!

Rex.

Rex,

you shot him in the head.

How do you feel about that?

I missed his hand.

Rex. Rex!

Rex, are you all right?

Yeah.

Just let me rest here for a while.

Let me close my eyes.

Rex.

Rex, don't die on me.

Please, Rex, please!

I'll be all right, Peter.

Believe me, I know.

( voices harmonize )

Hot diggity!

He's going to be all right, everybody. He knows!

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Rex?

I can't help but feel a little responsible

for what's happened here today.

Would a totally sincere "sorry" do?

Well, it's a start, colonel.

It's a good start.

Thanks, Rex.

Boy, is he nice. DOCTOR: Let me through.

Let me through. I'm a doctor.

That leg's going to have to come off for sure.

Take him to my office, boys.

PETER: Take it easy, you cow patties. Don't you hurt him!

Peter? Right here, Rex

Get me a root, quick. On my way.

Oh, Peter! Yeah, Rex.

I need a clean shirt. Coming up.

A blue one.

The cobalt blue one with the white suede yokes and cuffs.

Right, Rex.

Not the turquoise one with the white fringe.

Oh, no, no, no.

Get out of the way! Get out of the way!

Hey, everybody, big party at my house!

Hey, hey, hey, it's bring your own. I'm serious now.

Bring your own!

PETER: These things always ended with a party.

All the main characters would show up.

Music would be playing.

Guys who were supposed to be dead would be walking around.

Yeah, everybody had a big old time.

I'm not gone two minutes, and you throw a party.

Uh, Peter, listen. Yeah?

I'd like you to get the colonels and the ladies out front for me.

Sure. How come?

I wanna say goodbye. It's time I was moving on.

It's time we were moving on. Uh, Peter.

Oakwood Estates is your home. You belong here.

Baloney! I'm going with you, Rex.

It's too dangerous.

Rex. Rex, I'll be all right.

I'll wear my bulletproof vest all the time,

even when we go swimming.

Peter, we were lucky this time.

I can't have your death on my hands.

Rex--

I couldn't deal with it, so, please, don't make me. Okay?

Well, uh...

Will you write?

Sure, of course I will.

Will you be back?

Hey, I'm on a circuit, aren't I?

Yeah.

Okay, I'll meet you out front.

Yeah.

Okay.

So long, colonel. So long, Rex.

COLONEL: So long, silly dresser. I'm going to miss you.

Oh...

While we were in the doctor's office together,

we did more than just talk.

I'm... I'm getting better.

( hoofbeats clomping )

( bittersweet theme playing )

Now, is that perfect or what?

The last of the silver screen cowboys

Screw it!

I'm going with him!

Adiós, buckaroos!

I knew that would happen.

Oh, Daddy, we all did.

This is what America still needs

Rex!

The last of the silver screen cowboys

Standing tall for what he believes is right

Don't push him around 'cause more than one villain's found

And he don't back down from a fight

Roy and Trigger, we loved you

And Hoppy, we saved up our dimes

For the Saturday double features

And we sat through both movies two times

Gene, Lash and Rex were our heroes

We knew good would win in the end

If we could just turn back the pages

( hoofbeats clomping )

And ride those old trails once again

( song ends )

I know you're out there somewhere

'Cause I've held you in my dreams

And I'm waiting for

The day it all comes true

So close and yet so far away

You'll be more than just a dream someday

I'll hold you in my arms

But till I do

I'll get by

I'll wait until the rivers run dry

If it takes a million years, girl

I know a million years can't come too soon

Somehow, somewhere

Our eyes will meet and then and there

The sparks will set a magic night on fire

And I'll lasso you

The moon

( song ends )