Original subtitles

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(organ music)

(audience clapping)

- [Announcer] (laughing) Yes, ladies and gentlemen,

it's the Three Stooges, for mirth and madness.

- I'm Moe.

- [Announcer] Simple and screwy.

- I'm Shemp.

- [Announcer] Loony and ludicrous.

- I'm Larry.

- [Announcer] Yes, the Three Stooges,

are still gentlemen.

When it comes to any kind of business,

they're dry as monkeys.

With this dry monkey business,

tonight, it's interior decorating.

- Hey, egghead, I'm ready to dictate.

- Yes sir?

- Get away from here.

What's the matter with you, are you an idiot,

an imbecile, a moron?

(laughing)

- What are you laughing at?

- Eight to five, I'm in there someplace.

- Come on, get over there and straighten up the files.

Hey, broccoli-head, come here,

do you think you can take a letter?

- I don't think, I know.

- I don't think you know either, but go ahead.

Dear sir.

What do you got so far?

- How do you spell sir?

- In your case, C-U-R.

Continue.

We are receipt of your letter of the sixteenth in a reply.

(groaning)

Remind me to send your head to the cleaners

with the rest of the flatwork.

Get away from here.

- Alright, I'll use pen and ink, that's what I'll do.

(knocking)

- [All] (singing) Come in, come in, come in.

- Pardon me, gentlemen.

- Oh, yes?

- I'm Mr. Pennyfeather, are you gentlemen

painters and paper hangers?

- Are we painters and paper hangers?

- Are we painters and paper hangers?

- Are we?

(groaning)

- Why, you clumsy fools.

- Oh, we're so sorry.

- My clothes are all full of ink.

- Oh, we'll fix it up, Larry?

Now, take it easy,

that's a nice rate of Gabardine that you have there.

- Be careful with it then.

- [Larry] Alright, stand by.

- I knew it, I knew I had it, see.

- What is that?

- Ink remover.

- Ink remover, but look at this.

- Oh, we'll have that off in a jiffy.

You don't need that pocket any how.

Go ahead.

- Why, certainly.

(fabric tearing)

- My best suit, and look at my shirt.

(crying)

(fabric tearing)

- There you go, you don't need that anyway.

- Look here, Nickelfeather.

- Pennyfeather.

- Do you realize, you've just struck

one of the toughest men from the state of

(all clapping) Texas?

Go ahead, tell him.

- Now, look it here neighbor.

- Now, wait a minute there, Nickelfeather.

- Pennyfeather.

- You have again sullied the fair name

of the great sovereign state of (all clapping) Texas.

Order him off of the premises.

- You heard what I told you before.

(groaning)

- Hike, hike, hike.

- Out.

(crashing)

Bullseye.

(phone ringing)

- Hello.

- Hello.

- Hello.

- Hello.

- Hello, how are ya?

- Fine, oh, it's you.

I didn't even know.

- Quiet.

Get outta here.

Oh hello?

Hello?

- [Woman] Is this the Miracle Paint Company?

- Yes it is and our motto is if it's a good paint job

it's a miracle.

What can we do for you madame?

- [Woman] Well I'd like to have my house painted

and wall papered in a hurry.

- Well that's how we do everything.

- Are your prices reasonable?

- We charge what the traffic will bare.

Just a minute, how's the traffic today?

(cars honking)

- Heavy.

- That'll be a hundred dollars.

- [Woman] Your prices are crazy.

- So is the California traffic.

- [Woman] Well how soon can you be over?

- Hold it.

Get the color book out of the file.

Why we can be right over.

- [Woman] The address is 442 Smith Street.

- We'll be right over.

- I can get this.

Oh.

What the?

(groaning)

- Can't open a little file drawer.

How did you ever get so stupid?

- I got a charge account, what's your excuse?

- Remind me to lower your salary and raise your forehead.

Get outta here.

(groaning)

That's a queer contraption.

- Yeah, ain't that quaint.

- Ain't?

- Yeah.

- You mean isn't?

- Isn't the quisn't?

- See, that's the way to do it.

You gotta use your head.

- I saw it and it's good for ya, good for ya.

Step aside and let an intelligent man show ya how.

- Intelligent?

- Yeah.

- How did you get so smart?

- I went to college, I graduated.

Went to Swedish Massage College.

- Why didn't you go into that business?

- I couldn't find enough Sweds to massage.

- Nevermind, open that thing.

- Why certainly, go ahead.

- He opened it all right.

- We gotta get going.

- Wait a minute.

We gotta take our paint supplies with us.

- Oh the paint.

- Come on.

- Make way.

- I gotta get my hat.

- You get the painting book outta the file.

It's open now.

- Ow, oh my arm.

My arm, oh my arm.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, it's open.

- Oh, here's the coloring book.

- Culinary Arts, Culinary Arts, Painting.

I always thought culinary arts was about cooking.

- Shows you how wrong you can be.

Culinary arts has got to do with colors.

- Yeah, you have something there.

- Where?

- Nevermind we gotta get over to the ladies house

in a hurry.

Let's go.

(upbeat music)

(audience clapping)

- Darling I never went through anything

like I did this afternoon with those confounded painters.

I hope I never see them again.

- Don't worry dear, I have some other painters

coming over right away.

- Good, good.

They're not from (clapping) Texas are they?

- What difference would that make?

- You'd be surprised.

Are they coming over soon?

You know how important it is after all I have...

- Yes dear I know, you're bringing the boss home

for dinner and you don't want him to see

this old torn wall paper and these soiled walls

he saw 100 times.

- Well my boss is peculiar.

He likes everything spic and span.

- Tell him to go jump in the lake.

- He prefers the ocean.

- Nevermind.

Now run along dear and don't worry,

I've taken out most of the furniture

so the men can get right to work.

- Good.

- Goodbye dear.

Where are those painters?

We haven't much time.

Only four hours.

(knocking)

That must be the painters now.

What have you been doing?

And you, you over there, take those pots

off that chair.

That's a genuine Duncan Fife.

- Duncan Fife eh, I'll take them off don't worry about it.

(groaning)

- What's the matter?

- That Duncan should be careful where he leaves his fife.

- Oh I would like to introduce my two assistants.

This is Monsieur Shemp.

When it comes to blending colors, he's a mix master.

- He is?

- Yeah sometimes we stand him in the bowl

and make a cake with him.

- Charmed, I'm sure.

- Come on, get outta here.

Oh and this Monsieur Larry.

Master paper hanger.

Everywhere he's recognized as a great paper hanger.

- Oh really?

- Oh yes.

Everywhere I go they say this guy should hang.

Charmed.

- And I of course head this outfit lock, stock,

and barrel.

- He's the barrel.

(groaning)

- This is outrageous.

Get to work at once you roughians.

- Now take it easy lady.

Let's not be in a hurry.

You know what the great man said about being in a hurry?

Well I forgot his name.

Anyhow he said, how do you like that?

I forgot what he said.

- Yeah well nevermind, now look.

I want this room done in robin's egg blue.

- Lady, we ain't got no time to go out robbing eggs.

- Oh shut up, here's the coloring book.

- Before we look at a color book Monsieur Shemp

is an expert, tell us confidentially what in your opinion

would make this room look inviting, livable

and good to the eye?

- Confidentially?

- Yeah.

- Just a minute.

Who's the guy next to ya?

- Why it's you.

- That's okay then.

I can be trusted.

Now what did you wanna know?

- I said what in your opinion would make this room

look inviting, livable and good to the eye?

- Food, drink, and a couple of dames.

- My word.

- What's the matter with him?

- I think he's getting better.

We'd better take him to a doctor.

His brain's clearing up.

- You have to excuse his manners ma'am.

- Oh thank you, at least there's one gentleman

in your midst.

- You said it babe.

- Ow.

- Pardon me, now for the colors you want,

let's look at this culinary book.

- I can't understand it.

It says mix vinegar and salad oil.

Then add lettuce, tomatoes and diced carrots.

What kind of paint is that?

- Why lady, ain't you heard of vegetable dyes?

- Yeah, I'll go to the vegetables and get them.

- Now if you don't like that mixture

we have many more to suit your taste.

- Now oh here's a dilly.

It says here you take chopped apples, walnuts,

mayonnaise, and dip in french dressing.

- Well you're not gonna use that in my house.

- Why not?

When you don't feel like cooking

you can eat off the walls.

- Off the walls?

- Why certainly, a Waldorf salad.

I got that outta my own head.

- You'd better put it back before somebody steps on it.

- Well here's the vegetables.

What color do you want for that wall?

- Wait a minute, please.

- How about nice tomato red?

- Tomato red.

- Not on my wall.

- Oh.

- Not in my house.

- Hold that, thanks.

Get outta here.

- Good for you.

- Thank you, you get outta here.

These guys messing around.

Hold it, hold it.

We got nothing left to put on the walls now.

We'll have to go back to regular paint.

- Well thank heavens.

Now gentlemen, will you please hurry?

My husband and his boss are coming to dinner

and the whole house must be finished

before they get here.

- Don't worry madame, what do you want us to do first?

- Well I want that wall papered and that one painted.

- You heard what the lady said, get going.

- That wall papered and that one painted.

- [Moe] I think we put a gorgeous pink on this side

it might straighten the thing up.

And of course if we take a nice mustard brown

from ceiling to thing, blending expert,

blend them both together.

Now then, if we take and make that door

an old rose, we can of course take it

with a mustard brown and wave it right

and we can blend all those things together.

Down it comes here, we'll set the whole thing

by perhaps putting a dash of lavender over

the whole thing to make is a kind of a modernistic thing.

- [Larry] Gotta use your head to get this thing up here.

I know what I'm doing here, I know that.

- There it is.

Now that is what you call efficiency.

When we get through, this room will be

the greatest room from the rock bound coast

of Margerie Maine to the sunny slopes of Lana Turner.

- Good, oh by the way, do you think you can repair

that picture?

It's a painting of my daughter done by Whistler.

Surely you've heard of Whistler?

- Oh sure I listen to his radio program all the time.

Now don't worry ma'am I'll take care of it.

- Well thank you.

Now I'll leave you boys to get to work

and please hurry.

- Yes ma'am.

Hey fellas, come here.

You think we can fix that?

- I don't see anything wrong with it right now.

- What a babe.

- Wait a minute.

Remember we are gentlemen first and our feelings

come second.

- Well let's get outta first and shift into second.

- Oh boy, oh.

(yelling)

What happened, what happened?

- Boys, boys.

I forgot to tell you, please be very careful

with that table.

It's a very fine, old table.

- All right.

We'll make it look like new again.

Start on the table first boys, let's go.

All right.

(humming)

- Hey, hey.

You were never cut out to be a painter brother.

- Oh, that's just a means to an end.

(singing)

- Oh, oh.

- Hey stop it.

Don't you realize what you're doing?

- What I'm doing?

- Get busy.

(humming)

- What's going on here?

Will you please stop that singing?

What are you doing here, boom boom.

You're standing up there.

- Wait a minute, no, no.

It's his fault.

No you don't.

- Come out, boom.

You guys go in and paint the bedroom.

I'll handle this, go on.

(knocking)

Come in.

Yes?

- How do you do?

My name is Fink.

I represent the Punxsutawney Pressure Cooker Company,

Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania.

We make the finest pressure cookers.

- [Larry] Hey Moe, come in here and help us

with the paint will ya?

- Quiet.

Can't come in now, I'm talking to a salesman.

What'd you say bud?

- How do you do?

My name is Fink.

I represent the Punxsutawney Pressure Cooker Company,

Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania.

We make the finest pressure cookers.

- [Larry] Hey Moe, what color paint should I use

in this bedroom?

Can I use the blue to match the lady's eyes

or the brown to match her hair?

- Use the green to match her complexion (laughing).

Pretty funny prank, eh bud?

- Yeah.

How do you do?

My name is Fink.

I represent the Puxsutawney Pressure Cooker Company

or Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania.

We make the finest pressure cookers.

- [Larry] Hey Moe come in here and help us will ya?

- Stop bothering me, I'm busy.

What'd you say bud?

- How do you do?

My name is Fink.

I represent the Punxsutawney Pressure Cooker Company

of Punxsutawney...

- Wait a minute.

Why do you keep saying the same words

over and over again?

Is this your magnificent obsession?

- No, you see that's the way they teach us

down at the office.

- Well why don't you try saying it in your own words?

It might be a little more convincing.

- Oh okay, I'll try.

Now you see this little valve here?

Well the steam goes around, monkeys around in here

and then it, well it, well you see,

the steam, well you see the bottom here?

How do you do?

My name is Fink.

I represent the Punxsutawney Pressure Cooker Company

of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania.

- Aw, so this is why you're so busy?

- Yeah, go ahead bud.

- How do you do?

My name is Fink.

- Oh yeah.

- Oh yeah, go ahead bud.

- How do you do?

My name is Fink.

- Oh I caught you man, trying to get away

without washing eh?

- Yeah, go ahead bud.

- How do you do?

- Oh yeah?

- Oh yeah, go ahead bud.

- How do you do?

- Oh yeah?

- Oh yeah.

- Go ahead bud.

- My name is Fink.

What are you doing?

Hey, that's a pressure cooker.

That's a might fine item bud.

- It is?

- Yeah, with that thing you can make a beef stew

in two minutes.

- You can?

- Yeah and in four minutes you make

a whole turkey dinner.

- Heavens, I think I'd like to have one of those.

- A small deposit will hold it.

- All right, here's five dollars.

- You hold it.

- My wife has always wanted one of these.

(audience clapping)

- We seem to attract the oddest people.

- Yeah, that guy reminds me of my uncle.

He was an igloo manufacturer.

- An igloo manufacturer?

How do you manufacture igloos?

- Simple, you just take two igs and glue them together.

- Goodness, aren't you boys working yet?

- How do you do?

I represent...

- Quiet.

- Get to work.

- You heard what the lady said, get to work.

- And what are you going to do?

- Nothing, what about it?

- I just thought I'd ask.

- I gotta do this right, I was afraid of that.

Oh, I can see like an owl now.

- We gotta get that wall papering done boys.

Get a move on now.

- I'm stirring it, don't worry about it.

- All right, come on.

Right there.

- We are very efficient.

- That's it, that's the way we go.

- Bring it over boy, come on, bring it over.

That looks great now, believe me,

that looks fine.

- I do think the painters will be finished soon.

- Good, good, the boss will be here in a half hour.

- I'm serving buffet style.

- That's all right too darling.

- Hey buddy, would you mind holding this?

(yelling)

- Oh Clara Belle, darling?

I'm so sorry.

How can I undo the wrongs that have been done?

Let's see here fellas.

- Hey, this paste is getting lumpy.

- Yeah, yeah.

(yelling)

- Hey listen, what'd he say?

(mumbling)

- Hey nitwit?

- Yeah?

- Come on, get this paper off of him.

- [Shemp] I'll take it off ya, hold still there a minute.

Go ahead, hold still.

- Careful.

- Hey what's the matter with ya, you nuts are something?

Why you.

Clean him up, that's all your fault.

- All right, I'll clean him up.

Hold still there, hold still there, now watch out,

go ahead, all right now.

He's got tender skin.

- Be very careful with it.

- All right.

- You, you, you (clapping) Texas.

- It's Water Feather.

- Pennyfeather.

I'll get all of you.

You, you imbecile.

You're the one who hired them.

- Call me an imbecile.

- Yes.

- Catch.

- Where did they go?

Where did they go, I'll find them.

Wait, wait til I get my hands on those three moronic stupid.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, not that way boys,

that's the kitchen.

This is the way out.

- Oh, thanks.

Say, you're not mad at us?

- Of course not.

- Well it was a pleasure to do your painting

and paper hanging.

- And it's a pleasure to do yours.

- Goodbye.

- Goodbye.

- Goodbye.

(groaning)

(audience clapping)

(upbeat organ music)

- [Announcer] And so ends the episode in which

our Three Stooges tried their luck as interior decorators

and met with misfortune.

However, will they be cowards and never try it again?

Are they spineless jellyfish, quitters?

- You bet your life we are.

(upbeat organ music)

(audience clapping)