Original subtitles

Are you ready on everything?

Yeah. Everybody ready for a take?

No, my underpants are showing. I was testing you and you didn't say a word.

Seminal culmination in the spirit of peace and brotherhood. A real group for

peace.

Welcome to Hushy's seventh heaven.

Population getting higher.

Oh God, oh God, they're all crazy for you.

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

name was Abraham.

Second Jew's name was Isaac.

Second Jew's name was Isaac.

Second Jew's name was Isaac. Second Jew's name was Isaac.

The world is very evil.

The times are waxing late.

Be sober. Keep vigil.

The judge is at the gate.

The judge who comes in mercy.

The judge who comes with might.

Who comes to end the evil.

Who comes to crown the right.

Mark, is that an angel singing?

I like that

voice.

Where did you

learn to sing like that? Oh, I learned. to sing in California.

Uh, say, what do you do down there?

Oh, well, they have these blackface jewels, and I wear blackface and white

gloves.

How'd you like to become a singer for me?

I wouldn't mind.

But, uh, there's a slight catch to it. You have to become president, too.

President? Oh, I'd love to be president.

Okay, it's a duel.

This will be the last election.

Swami,

how I love you. How I love you.

Swami, live a good life.

I give you all.

Moil stones of the century.

A long hot summer begins as George Ward hits the campaign trail.

Yes? What number did you wish?

Whom did you wish to address?

Oh, yeah, George, yes. How are you? Yes.

Oh, I've been away a few weeks, yeah.

Yeah, I needed a vacation, yeah. All that shit, that Vietnam shit, yeah.

Yeah, I told them, like, sit down. You'll sit down like a mensch at a

yeah. First you'll eat, you'll...

Sit down, not like wild animals.

Yeah.

Yeah, Miami. Yeah.

Eden Rock. Yeah, it was crowded.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I came as a Schwarzer. They had to let me in. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, here they come.

Not now or not while I'm on the phone.

Oh, listen, George.

I got a very important message

for

Oh, you want to sit on God's bed?

I've been hearing bad things about the campaign.

Oh I see.

What do you see?

Well, probably El Capone and his gang was getting no too rough.

Yeah, I think they were taking some of our votes away.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah. That El Capone's a bad character, isn't he?

I'll buy that.

Yeah, machine gunning everybody down.

All those voters.

Yeah, that's awful.

This is my husband. I have been married to him for ten wonderful years.

And I hope to remain married to him.

And I think there is too much corrupt... and collaboration between

the whites and the blacks.

And I hope there is something done about it.

Search for the future. I am your guiding light.

I'm full.

I'm Vera.

I'm Gus.

Oh,

it's too Jewish now.

Something on the phone?

Yeah. Well, how about this one? But I've got to tell the boy. My God.

May he always be in the right.

But right or wrong, my God. Just once, we can't stop talking on the telephone.

What are you hollering?

I couldn't.

It is here. It's time for the orphan quiz hour. And that fact means you will

have just the same.

The Bishop Daddy Cottonball Fielding.

the Bishop Daddy himself, folks, and it's so nice to be here with you once

again. Now, before we bring out our orphans and our little contestants for

week's Bible quiz, I want to remind you of some fast, fast and upcoming events.

It's coming Saturday.

I will be in the Art Peppers Hall of Dermal Nuclear City to preach from that

secular pulpit on SM.

Special miracles.

Disabled persons, disabled persons, now I'm addressing these words to you. Come

a little closer. Bring those wheelchairs just a little closer to the sets. Put

your ear trumpets up to the set now. Hear the words of Bishop Daddy.

Supreme Blessing Plan. Come a little closer now. If you expect to be seated,

arrive early. Please, disabled persons, I'm speaking to you now. Please.

Just a minute. Just a cotton -pick a minute there. Let God talk a minute.

Oh, does mousy -wousy wanna -eaty -weedy -guardy -wise

-dicky -wicky?

another special treat for you.

That old gold flag type man himself, Reverend Ike. Reverend Ike, folks, this

Saturday night on the other side of town, we'll be preaching his divine

prosperity service.

Those of you who have missed the sermon on Thursday or the Saturday service are

unable to make it to my side of town, catch Reverend Ike, folks. He's laying

down his solution, his solution to the money problems according to the work,

word, and the scripture of God Almighty himself.

If you are prepared to send $1 handling charges, we will send you free a copy of

this potent sermon.

Please, folks, certify checks only for $1, that's $1, and send them to this

address, folks, so we will get it, and we will receive it, and we will return

to you.

That's the Bishop Daddy and Reverend Ike, soul brothers, GPO Box 000, in the

midst of this sin building.

That's the Reverend Ike, folks, and...

We've got to do something about that.

Give them something.

They'll eat up. Give them some more of that blackface crap. Yeah, we've got

enough sexism in the film.

Give them some of that blackface, good old blackface crap. Yeah.

All right, orphans. Get off your ass.

Because it's time to play the Bible.

Say, Lord have mercy. Lord have mercy.

Our first question is a toss -up.

Izzy's, Billy's, you all set?

On your marks, get ready, go!

What is dog?

D -O -G spelled backwards.

What is dog? D -O -G spelled backwards. That's dog spelled backwards.

Frog. Billy Graham.

Ah, Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy on the both of you.

Reverend Ike.

Would you step out and tell us, please, what is dog? D -O -G. Spell backwards,

please.

It's a joy to bomb Hanoi.

Poetry always... It's better, yeah.

For the pacifists...

Don't bomb Hanoi. I'm in charge.

Tiz! Tiz! She has your back!

I'm sorry.

Your sins got much better.

With your fucking infant.

She's in my mother's charge.

Yeah, open up the campaign with a bang, yeah.

Yeah, and the realtor stays.

Yeah, I'll get you to send down some angels. You're banged now.

Hoy, hoy, hoy.

I'm as happy as God's little boy.

Hoy, hoy, hoy.

Hoy, it's springtime in God's bathtub.

She's anointing my joint, and I'm just sitting here, all swell with the world,

and I'm glad you're not.

Let's bomb it away.

Let's bomb it. I'm supposed to be in on it.

Thou shalt not kill.

Well, now, orphans, you're doing shit poor.

This here question, then, goes out to the fillies.

What was the sixth commandment of our Lord God as represented upon tabernacles

for Moses and the tribe of Israel?

The sixth commandment.

Thou shalt not spill.

A spill?

A seed on the ground. Oh, Reverend Ike, that is incorrect.

The correct answer is thou shalt not kill.

Thank you, Reverend Ike. Thank you.

Where you, where you are.

Where are you?

Oh, yeah.

So many languages.

Where are you?

Where are you?

Harlem. Yeah.

Would that be Harlem, uh, the Netherlands or Harlem, New York? Harlem,

Okay, I got, here's the slogan for Harlem, New York.

Farm Joburg.

Johannesburg schmuck. Yeah.

Then later in the day, I want you to take the subway to... No,

no, taxis, no.

Can't afford it.

Go to Mamaroneck, New York. Yeah, no, not the Netherlands, schmuck.

Mamaroneck, New York, and the slogan is bomb olive.

Yeah.

Why, we gotta... Yeah.

Everybody happy that way. Sure, as long as we bomb.

Run! For your life!

Yeah, I got competitors, yeah.

Yeah, oh, well, I'm... Well, yeah, I'm big today, but, you know, I wasn't

always... No, started out... I was just what you call a local daily, yeah.

Yeah, Sinai, yeah.

Oh, now I'm big all over, yeah.

Tel Aviv, 99 .6%. I've got a swell social studies question for the Izzy's.

Who, Izzy's? I'd say who's got 99 .6 % in Tel Aviv?

Give me a second here. Give me a minute.

It's, uh, it's, uh... Angel tits.

Sophie Lawrence!

Oh, help me, please, help me. Is there a doctor in the house?

Pauline Dietrich!

Oh,

I'm tired.

Yeah, last night I fecundated 3 ,000... No, 3... What am I talking 3 ,000?

300 ,075 women.

No, I didn't fuck them. God doesn't... I fecundated. Yeah, first I dated them,

then I fecundated them.

Yeah.

No, you... No, no. You gotta work first.

Then you can fecundate.

Yeah.

Once you're elected, yeah.

So keep up the good work. I think you're number three under Rapoport now.

Yeah, soon you'll be on top, yeah.

All right, and if, uh, and if any, and if, yeah, you can call back,

yeah, but not till like, no one calls guard for us.

Hello, George?

Yeah, listen.

I gotta make it fast because this call's on a phony credit card.

Why don't you stop your campaign? We gotta save this kid.

His name is Isaac Ben Jacob, yeah.

Yeah, he's a heap, yeah.

Look, the man's flipped his lid, and he claims I told him to do away with his

only begotten son, and that's not true. No, no, that's later.

No, I don't...

Yeah, you got a mind of your own.

I mean, I created you, uh, you, I created you with, uh,

uh, free will. You heard of that, right?

I'll tell you what.

While you're in, uh, Jerusalem, get some of that, uh, what is it? Judas's

gold. Yeah, it's terrific, uh, terrific cash, yeah.

Slip it in.

I don't care what you do.

I will do double duty.

Abraham.

Abraham.

Abraham. This is the Lord thy God.

be open about

Well, mr.

Big My

name is Buddha and I am

speaking in order to explain what I mean by my stories called forth and so

presented simultaneously I Wish also to have you understand that I was

not in control and I'm not responsible for the jerkiness of the telling of the

stories.

My life has been played out of time with the regularities that govern being.

The meaning of the little guy's story is what is explained by the explanation of

the meaning.

These stories take a place for him of the child virgin and some others what

dreams.

And so to compensate, he works at these stories, which guarantee him a very

certain fulfillment.

This, then, is the explanation of his meaning.

I work for Mr.

Big here at Trans Assassin Assurance. I do my job.

We handle a lot of accounts, and big or small, I fuck them all.

Word has been received that George Ward, the gospel boy, has been assigned the

task of saving a little fellow with an uncertain future.

If our oracles speak of inclement times to come under the leadership of such a

puppet as George, a tool in the hands of this racist, sexist warmonger, steps

will be taken to discredit George, with all the power invested in the hands of

this one trouble illuminator.

So let the pipe go round, let the smoke go down.

Isaac shall pay with his blood for the sins, the arrogance of his high father,

if it is so decreed.

I am ordained to consult with my voices.

And my voices tell me, so let it be written, so let it be done.

And now, let's return to our program.

Reverend Flock, election time is here again.

And once more, we of the ever -loving God's party offer you a candidate.

In return, we ask for you to offer your vote, your prayers, and most

of all, your cash. Our candidate is the well -known and beloved George Boy,

George Ward, George Ward the Gospel Boy, the Lord's good boy himself.

Now remember, George is the love and peace candidate.

And he comes with a genuine seal of approval from God up above.

I am ordained to consult with my voices today.

The amulets of touching, seeing, groping, hearing, and loving, we call

powers of the cosmos to protect our ceremonies.

In the name of Zeus, in the name of Anubis, God of the dead.

In the name of all those killed for causes they do not comprehend.

In the name of the lives of the dead soldiers in Vietnam who were killed

of a bad karma.

In the name of seaborne Aphrodite. In the name of the Magna Mater Deo Medea.

In the name of Dionysius, Zagreus, Jesus, Theos, Sabaoth, Yahweh.

The unnameable, the quintessent, finality, the Zoroastrian fire. In the

Hermes. in the name of the beak of thought in the name of the scarab in the

in the name of the tyrone power pound cake society in the sky in the name of

osiris

not see, yet his vision persists as do the stars.

This man's refuge is the shadow, the shadow of God.

Machine mirror in my head, speak to me of the quick and the dead.

Machine mirror to this deed, shall Isaac sleep, shall George lead?

Get up.

The clock!

When you found somebody new, I thought I never would.

Forget you, for I thought that I knew the truth.

But now time has taken pain away.

Lucky me, I'm down to hurting once a day.

Yeah, the boy's gonna be a little late, you know. The teacher kept him in.

Kept him in?

What for?

I'm gonna give you the straight and skinny now.

I sacrificed him to G -D.

Santa Claus.

Hello, hello.

Look at that Santa Claus.

George Ward.

Yeah. Angel Gabriel.

That's right.

We've been looking for you, George.

Yes!

27. All right, look.

I got no time. That's a bit much.

I got no time. I've got to catch a hurricane to New York.

And, uh, voulez -vous de français?

Oui.

Well, then.

Oui, alors quoi? Voulez -vous coucher avec God?

Mon Dieu, Monsieur Martineau, mais le coucher est très, très cher maintenant.

Si vous avez l 'air d 'argent, j 'ai le temps.

But you know how it goes.

What can I do?

Yeah. I couldn't understand what was going on down there.

Down where?

I want my mommy.

I am your mommy, you silly baby.

Everything's going to be all right.

There, there. You don't even have to fuck God.

the pig.

In fact, you and I are Alky the pig.

And we will not drink.

You're fucking around with this pig?

I'm accused.

I don't blame you.

What happened to Isaac?

Oh, I killed Isaac. I killed Isaac.

You see, and I bought the pig.

The whole picture wasted.

What's it like to make movies?

question of the evening.

Orphans, what book is the bestseller in the whole world?

DQCM, the quotations on Chairman Mao.

No, no, Izzy, that ain't exactly right. Now, I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm going to give you a little hint.

What is the name of the reference book which we use on this program for all the

questions on this year's Bible Quiz Hour program?

Ripley's! Ripley's! Ripley's!

What vision of loveliness is... It's all Isaac. Isaac. Wow.

I thought we got rid of you downstairs, downtown.

And you forgot to tell me there was blood and everything, a big knife, this

long, and a father worse than anything, worse than you, and then

I appeared up here. Fucked up again.

Fucked up. Maybe we didn't pay the messenger bill.

That George.

Moron squared.

Oh, my rating's going to go down, and that's going to be... What's your tough

luck? Oh, boy.

My tough luck, huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's see. Maybe we can give you some work to do around

How'd you like to clean out the orgy and stables?

Nah.

I'd rather ride the horses. Work on the tables?

I'd rather ride the horses. Rounding up the sodas all day.

Now I'm back in Brooklyn.

Rounding up the sodas all day.

Well, orphans, this is certainly dismaying to my heavenly soul.

Now, remember, no chicken picking unless someone breaks this here tie.

Reverend Ike on the Victrola, if you please. If you please, it's time to

Name that gospel tune, nigger.

Give me a pig foot and a bottle. Stop. Hold it. Take it off. I can hold it

there. Give me a pig head.

The voice of the turtle is right in the way.

Oh, it's George.

George!

What are you doing here? You're supposed to be downtown.

Huh?

I sent you downtown less than half an hour ago.

Yeah, yeah.

Isaac, the Isaac affair, remember that?

Isaac is not dead.

Isaac is still alive.

How come I didn't get the reports from down here that he's still alive? He's

still alive. You sure he's still alive?

Yeah.

He's still alive.

You wouldn't lie to me, now. You wouldn't lie to your God, would you? I

lying. I tell you guys, I think he's not dead.

God has a way of finding these things out, you know.

Yes. Yeah.

Yes. God is more powerful than the FBI.

together. I know.

You know what, you know, you know what, you know what a laughing if I find out

you're lying.

Yeah.

Take this pig away from me.

He got it more powerful than J.

Edgar Hoover, too.

That's right.

He's more powerful.

He's more powerful.

Isaac's brother, David, gave me a brother.

Isaac's brother, David?

Yeah.

It says here in my book, David is not Isaac's brother.

Well, David... I got you there.

I got you.

Isaac doesn't have a brother.

Well, he... Well, he has got a brother, David.

Brother David? Yeah, brother David.

I've used the same name.

Who told you that?

I think himself.

Must be an imposter.

I wonder what they're up to down there.

I don't like this one bit.

you to this here question because it's your ever -loving last chance to break

this motherfucking tie.

This here is the BQ on the GQ.

This is the big question on the gospel quiz hour, orphans. Now tell me, Izzy's,

Philly's, who, who wipes God's behind?

Oh, I didn't think they were going to do that.

Which hand do you use to wipe him behind?

I use my foot.

I don't use my foot. What do you mean? Angels wipe my behind.

I don't wipe my own behind.

What?

Who let you in here?

What's the password?

Schmaltz. Assassin Schmaltz. How did he know that?

Listen, you're not a salesman because I'm not seeing no salesman between 1922

and 1984.

Oh, no.

It's okay. I have nothing to sell in that line. I have only goods to deliver.

I'm here to... No, I'm from the insurance company, man. I'm here to

George. George? That schmuck, George.

Sorry to bring him to mind. Oh, that's the company. Yes.

Yes. Yeah.

Why are you going to pay off an Isaac? I mean, now, this is what I'm up here to

figure out. Yeah, I want the little, you know... The little extra, the little

cream on the top. Yeah, what are you going to do? How are you going to settle

that case?

Well, this is what we came to see you about. We didn't want to exercise carte

blanche discretion and thought we'd ask... No, I don't like that. The

too amazing.

Oh, no.

Public humiliation?

I'll buy that.

Yeah. What else you got?

Well, we got some nice things. Pubic humiliation.

Pubic humiliation. He'll pull down his pants in pubic.

All right. Yeah, that can be arranged.

All right. What else?

Uh, let's see. We have a few private humiliations. I'll buy that. Private

humiliations, cages, labyrinths, torture routines.

Torture? Could I bring my girl?

Yeah, make it any way you want.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Mr. and Mrs. Nation, welcome to greet your next president.

Hello, Nation.

Hello.

George, I want to extend a kind of welcome to you for coming down to our

this evening and giving us so much of your precious time. I know this is close

to the end of the election campaign. It must be difficult to summon the energy

to meet the nation just once more. You're right. I think what the nation

like to see in quick summary is a wrap -up of your campaign, what's happened

over the past... six weeks while you've been campaigning across the nation as

the Lord's good boy. Well, I have been campaigning.

I'm going to bomb Asia and Russia

and the United States.

George, we've heard you reiterate the same thing throughout your campaign. Do

you think this will bring peace to the world?

It will bring peace to the world, yes. This is your bona fide solution.

Well, George, with that kind of confidence, I can't see why Mr. and Mrs.

out there won't cast their vote for you next week. As all the popularity polls

show, you're miles ahead of your nearest competitor. You're a shoo -in, George.

And that's the old spirit, George. Just like you did six weeks ago, throwing

that old hat into the ring, you throw it right in again.

Mr. and Mrs. Nation, we have a demonstration of the integrity of the

He's willing to throw it twice.

Yay!

George, that's great.

George, what a thank you. Thank you. George, put that back on, and we're

to begin again.

I think what Mr. and Mrs. Nation would like to hear would you be repeating a

couple of the other campaign promises you made outside of the bombing promises

you made to bring peace to the country.

You also mentioned instigating a new national anthem.

That's right. I'm wondering if you would be willing to perform for the audience.

receiving the new anthem which you will initiate as our national sovereign

anthem when you are elected president, George. When the blue of the night turns

to golden today, someone wait for me.

Then wipe yourself.

Talk about hair.

This is the Jackie Gleason show now. The Jackie Gleason show.

This is Jackie Gleason.

faces, but this is really a revelation.

Is that a fact, George? Yeah, that's a fact.

Is he up there all by himself?

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes, he had a woman up there with him.

A woman? A woman, yeah.

Who's this woman, George? Do you know anything about her?

No. I don't know anything about her, but I know she was his wife.

His wife? Jackie Gleeson's wife, yes. That was Jackie Gleeson's wife.

And sorting up with the Lord Jesus up in the room above you?

Yes.

George, how long have you kept this information concealed from the nation?

Well, I don't know how long. I kept this information concealed from the nation,

but I know all about it. This certainly is a revolution.

Revolution, revelation.

George, I understand the really close thing to the working man's heart. You

to be a working man yourself, George.

Yeah. I understand you're very sympathetic with drinking problems of

working man. What are you going to do for the average working man as far as an

alcoholic beverage goes?

Well, I'm going to try and see.

If I can get the working man to join the DAA, Alcoholic O'Sanonymous.

Alcoholic O'Sanonymous, George?

Yes.

Yes. George, this comes as a great revelation to me. I mean, this not only

to me that, I mean, your association with even the AA, I'm surprised, I mean,

that you would reveal that fact in front of the national audience.

Yes. Are you a reformed alcoholic, George?

No.

Are you a reformed liar, George?

No, no, no, no, no.

George, I'm really surprised in front of the nation that you would deny this

charge. I have facts handed to me in this letter just before we went on the

this evening. You are, in fact, a deep, chronic liar, George. I understand that

at one point in your career, you played the part of the angel Gabriel.

I did, yes. And I understand in the course of this act, you lied to a

Mr. God, a man out of Sinai. You told him that you had saved a young man,

from death when, in fact, you had contributed to his death through

through junkiness on the job, George.

George, there's been a public upcry from us.

George, I was handed this information before I came into the studio here

tonight, George, and I want to tell you some things have got to be reckoned

with, George.

I will invite you to stand up, please.

Yes, yes.

Can I have some assistance, please? We're going to have to rectify this

right here on the spot.

Rightly advised, Mr. George, out of his coat, please.

The sooner we get this cleared up, the better we're going to be.

Yes, yes.

Yes, George.

On with the show.

On with the show.

cures arthritis, bronchitis, cancer, dysentery, encephalitis, food poisoning,

gonorrhea, hepatitis, impotency, jaundice, kills latent madness,

nasty odors, pneumonia, Q -R -S -T -U -V -W -X -Y -Z -rific,

removes all hexes and curses, and it gets you high too, folks. A new mind

-boggling smoke.

It's for the gods.

Man, try it.

George?

Yes? If you're innocent, you have nothing to worry about? No. If you're

you have everything to fear. Yes. Yes. Yes, sir. To the stretcher, please. Yes,

sir.

brought here today and laid forth before you to answer certain charges brought

against you by a certain power from above.

Now, we'll begin today with, uh, George, you hungry?

Oh, George, I think, uh, the nation has the right to expect to, uh, see your

eating habits on parade before they elect you.

Uh, George, yes, you know, there's many elections, and one of them is lost in

the way a man eats.

It'll, it'll mash potato on the mustard and, uh... can mean the difference

between a plurality and a sad, sad heartbreak, George.

Don't worry.

All you have to fear is fear itself.

Don't ever forget it. You better believe it.

I want you to taste this in front of the watching nation's eyes, in front of

eyes of millions. Taste this moose -o -mouse, this mouse -o -moose.

Move forward, George.

Ah, yes, extend your awaiting palate, George.

And put it in your tongue, perhaps, while we wait.

Ah, it helps the digestion.

Ladies and gentlemen of the nation, focus on this man's lovely face.

Watch him digest.

And on the basis of this, make your decision.

Be gone, or else you're going to get a spanking.

And now, George. George, now that you have feasted, we have come to the

highlight of our program presented before the nation this evening.

George, I'm going to ask some studio volunteers to come down, please. George,

you remember a little boy named Isaac?

Yes. Do you remember once playing an angel, Gabriel?

Yes. Do you remember once the character, Gabriel? Yes. Take a seat, please.

George, I have asked you to commit this deed, George, in

order that a fifth...

George, this will only last a minute.

Soon you'll be back in your happy home in Hachio 7th Heaven, George.

But beforehand, there has to be some retribution for Isaac, George.

There must be some kind of payback.

Payback, George.

Payback that we stole for your dollars.