Original subtitles

Mr. Lee? Oh, yes, sir.

I'm Mr. Maidment, your chief examiner.

I'm afraid I shan't be able to take you, but I've managed to get somebody else.

Oh, good.

It's Miss... Miss Adairs.

Mr. Lee?

Mr. Lee, shall we proceed?

Oh, yes, please.

Uh, I mean... Yes, madam.

Why?

So, if Timmy passes his driver's instructor's exam, you'll be off then.

I don't know what it'll be like without you.

The house will be like a tomb.

You won't lose touch completely, will you? Oh, Mum, it's only on the other

of town.

20 minutes on the train.

Oh. I mean, just think.

A driving school with a little par de terre above it. A what?

A flat.

You know, it's just what we need now that Jason's growing so fast.

Well, what about my Timmy?

Oh, he can stay with us.

There'd be room in the flat, wouldn't there?

Well, yeah.

Well, I haven't actually seen his side yet.

Here.

I thought you said it was palatial. Yeah, it is from the outside.

The fella took me round there after dinner.

So? What? You were pipped then.

Rosie, that's not pretty nice.

Well, it's true.

You know, it took two of his mates to hold him up when he proposed.

Well, you know, it's my Timmy I'm worried about.

He's never been away from home before.

Oh, don't worry about Timmy, Mum. You know, he's much more responsible these

days.

How'd I do?

Congratulations, Mr. Lee. You're now a fully qualified driving instructor.

What?

Mind you, when Jimmy Starr's been responsible, that's the time to start

isn't it?

Somebody always happens.

See what I mean. Sorry, Sid.

But I did it.

I'm a daddy.

Oh, no.

Yeah, it's not that girl from the newspaper office, is it?

No, Mum, it's not. A D -E -A -D -R. A Department of the Environment approved

driving instructor.

Oh, my.

Silly. Oh, to think Timmy's part of the environment.

Yeah, there ain't many in the street can say that loud.

Well, certainly not, Dad. Eh?

Tried to get through that hall lately, have you? Huh.

He'd be glad of the extra space now that we've gone.

Well, he loves somewhere to put all that junk he keeps on bringing home from the

lost property office.

He's nice, isn't he, eh?

He'll be company for Freddy.

Freddy? That's what he calls his gorilla.

Yeah, they didn't leave that at the lost property office.

I found it abandoned in the ice rink.

Abandoned? That was put there to collect for charity.

Got a collecting box, Dad. Yeah, it's a bit of a mistake, isn't it? I reckon it

breaks up the natural look of the thing. It's full of money, Dad.

Oh, Walter!

Dad! Yeah, well, I'll tell you what. I'll put it towards some lessons with

two. All right. Well, in that case, that's different, isn't it?

Well, at least we'll start off with one cut tomorrow.

I can't wait.

Is it good, this place? Good.

God!

Just wait till you see it.

Humphrey found some half -wit called Nugget to sell out to before he

disappeared. That won't be any threat to us, Mr. Truscott.

Thanks to your efforts, I think I can safely say the Truscott Driving School

second to none.

Thank you, Bandler. Nevertheless, it beholds us not to sit on our laurels.

absolutely. I wouldn't dream of sitting on anybody's laurels, especially ours.

Does that Moribund Institution still have any clients left?

Moribu, sir.

Dumfries outfit. Do they still have any clients?

Dumfries outfit? One or two, I should think.

Sorry, sir.

I will. Take the initiative.

Sign those clients up.

Oh, brilliant, sir. Brilliant.

Nature abhors a vacuum bender.

Sorry?

Gosh, I'm awfully sorry I'm late, Daddy. Can't leave my stuff in here.

By all means, my dear.

Hello, Mary.

Oh, no, Tony.

Mended your rubber shirt.

Thanks a lot.

Super try, you squirt. Which one, sweetie?

Just because your daddy invested in this business for you does not give you the

right to be overly familiar, Bandle.

I'm awfully sorry, Mr. Trusk. I didn't mean any offense.

I'll go and wash my hands.

What happened to the tea, Mary?

No, I was just popping out for some milk, Daddy.

Now bring the client figures when you get back. I want to get my chance up to

date.

Gosh, how super.

Looks like we've got two new customers.

Oh, it's great, isn't it, eh?

Our own business again.

Just like when we was cleaning windows, kid.

Oh, yes, it is. Oh, it's phantom, isn't it, eh?

Do you know what? I just knew it had great possibilities, you know, the

old Dumfrey drove me past it.

Dumfrey?

Yeah, yeah, I'll have to check the name. What?

Who?

Hello. Oh, do go in and make yourselves at home. I was just popping out for some

milk. I won't be a minute.

Oh, thank you.

Yes, see, she was nice.

Did she come with it? You'd better ask her, wouldn't you?

I haven't met any of my staff yet.

Oh, well, thanks for letting me stagger in with Jason.

Where's the flag?

Oh, one thing at a time, love. I've got to get this place straightened up first,

haven't I? Well, look, Jason can't wait. He's got to have his nappy changed.

Oh, look, I'm going to go down to the chemist and get some nappy liners. Yeah?

Sid, what are you talking about? This place is fantastic.

No, no, no, kid, it's far too fussy. What I'm looking for is a clean sort of

functional, you know, almost Swedish sort of look.

I mean, come on. Look at that diabolical geezer there.

He's got to go for a start -up.

Oh, Sid, are you sure? Hey, look, don't just stand there, son. Do something.

Will you make yourself useful?

Take that thingy there. What, the aquarium?

Yeah, that's it, yeah. Take it upstairs to the flat. Put it in Jason's room,

right? Right, Sid.

Oh, Sid, help!

Help! Sid, give it to me.

Get your hand under me.

Get your hand under me. You might have got it under me. Go, Sid.

Go, go.

Quick, go. No, Sid.

What the devil's going on there? Take him out.

Have I got the right one? The fish.

I think I've got it. I think I've got it.

Harry.

You unmitigated pounders.

Morning.

Get it out. Yes, I've got it.

My portrait in genuine oils.

The personality's over, big head.

Come on, Bobby. Don't just stand there gawking.

Give us a hand.

This mess cleared up. I've got it.

Slippery little devil. Oh, you.

You. I hope you don't stutter like that when you're working for me, mate.

Oh, God, blimey. It's not very nice for the customers, is it? Hey.

Here we are.

Sid.

Sid. I said later, love. Later. I'll show you the flat later. Ow.

This isn't it.

Look, love. I said I'll show you the bloody flat later. Can't you see them up

me eyes, innit?

What is it?

Dumfries School of Motoring is next door, isn't it?

What?

You are in the wrong driving school.

Yes, right. There used to have been a bit of a... Sorry about that.

Shut up.

Oh, listen.

Oh, I think this is probably yours, sir.

Ooh.

God, look at that.

Dated this place.

That dirty crook, Dumfries.

Hey, show me one place, then tell him me this load of old rubbish.

Yes, well, sir.

Oh, not exactly the British School of Motoring, is it, sir? Ha.

Bloody ha.

Oh, no.

Morning, all. See you, sir.

Oh, sorry, Avril.

Well, at least he left us his knockers. Um, a second.

Come on, get up. Get up.

It's not a bad little flat.

But there's only room for us and Jason.

I'd like a cup of tea, love.

Cup of tea?

I haven't got time for a cup of tea. I've got to clear up.

Here. And what are we going to do about Timmy?

We can't let him sleep down here.

Well, I suppose I'll have to go back to Mum and Dad, won't I?

My mum has lodgers.

You can come and stay with us.

Oh, yeah. I suppose I could.

You'll be on the job much quicker if you come with me.

Sounds like an offer you can't refuse to make.

Oh. Well, that's settled then, isn't it?

Well, I'd better get back to our palatial flat.

Look, April, you don't happen to know where this dumpy goose rang up to? Oh,

yes. He sent me a nice postcard today. Where from?

Australia. Oh, bloody creep.

I'll be jumped on by a kangaroo.

Oh! Um, did he leave any customers behind?

Oh, yes. I've had two of them ringing up today. Asked them when the new

management's taken over.

Oh, well, thank God for that.

Get them laid on for this afternoon, will you?

What do they like?

There's Miss Slenderpot and a Mrs. Hargreaves.

Miss Slenderpot.

Sounds interesting.

Now, mature is she?

Very.

Right.

I will immerse myself in this lady.

Oh, said surely. I have spoken, Timothy. You should take Mrs. Hargreaves.

And I shall take this slender part.

Oh, good afternoon.

Welcome. Welcome to the Noggin School.

We teach you things.

But other driving schools don't even know exist.

Oh, Mrs. Hargreaves, I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Lee, who's going to

your instructor.

Oh, wonderful.

No, no, there'll be a change of plans.

I will have Mrs. Hargreaves.

You can take Miss Lenderpart.

Hello.

It's all right, Miss Lenderpart. Mr. Nogget is waiting for you. Hello.

I hope I'm not late.

I've just had a long session with the vicar.

Well, hang on a minute. I think there's been a bit of a mistake.

The toilet's in the garden. Why, don't worry, love. I'll move in a minute.

Oh.

Now, Timothy, I insist that you take Mrs.

Harding's and I will take Miss Standapart's. But, Sid, you said...

nothing more to be said, Timothy.

Nothing more.

Oh, fine.

Stargreeves? Ta -ra, Rosie.

Goodbye, Sid.

Are we ready to go, madam?

Rather, I'm raring to go. I put something warm on.

I hope you've got nerves of steel, young man.

Well, I... Forgive my shopping, won't you?

Shall we go?

After you.

Thank you. There you are, madam.

Mr. Dumfries said she was the reason he was emigrating.

She's failed her test 43 times.

Oh, my God.

Ah, there you are.

I think the best thing we can do is go through the correct procedure for

away from the curb.

It's lovely up here, isn't it?

Yes, very nice.

Yes, well, first of all, we check in our mirror, don't we?

I normally do that afterwards.

No, I was referring to checking in your mirror if anything was coming up behind.

I see.

If you don't mind me asking, how many lessons have you had?

Only one.

We did lowering and raising the front seat. It was ever so exciting.

Would you like me to show you?

Well, yes.

No.

There's so little to do around here if you don't play bridge.

But... Oh, come on. Who knows? I might even book a course of lessons.

I can see you mean business.

You

can

draw on me.

Yes, ma 'am. If I can unbuckle my scary golem head.

Blimey, it's the police.

It's the police.

What's the matter? I've been arrested by the fuzz already.

we lost them yet yes they've turned off which is more than i can say for myself

we have some unfinished business to attend to i'll pull in over there it

quite quiet

now

look are you sure this is a good idea oh come on let's go in there where there

It's where you're taking me.

Careful.

You're mad.

But I don't mind. I'll forgive you. Just a... There.

No! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Well, we're not

You'd better have a quick bath.

Mum's almost got the meal ready.

Thank you very much. Right.

Oh, it's nice to have a manly appetite around the house again, isn't it, Avril?

Yes, Mum.

Avril's father had a lovely appetite until the sea took him from us.

Don't expect you can remember him, can you, Avril?

I remember some of his friends better, Mum.

More, Mr Lee?

Oh, no, ta. Enough, thank you.

Avril? No, thanks, Mum.

Could you force down another eclair?

Oh, yeah, smashing.

Thank you.

If there's anything you want, anything at all, you've only to ask, hasn't he,

Avril?

Oh, terribly sorry.

If you'll excuse me, I'll go and take another bath.

Funny boy.

Oh. I made myself a cup of oval tea. Would you fancy one?

Oh, smashing, yes.

Is there room?

Well, there is at the moment.

Cheers.

All abreast.

I mean... It's a bit hot, isn't it?

Yes.

That's a fantastic nightie.

Do you like it? Oh, yes, it's got a sort of certain... Oh, sorry.

Now look what you've done.

I'm sorry, just sort of... Aren't you going to do it up again?

Of course I am.

Of course I am.

Right.

There we are.

Oh, yes.

There we are.

Why don't you take it off?

Oh, yes.

Would be easier.

Oh, um... Well, get down.

Come in.

I, uh, hope I'm not disturbing you.

It's a little chilly tonight, and I thought you might like something to warm

the cockles, as they say.

Oh, that's very kind.

Shall I pop it in for you?

No!

Oh, I mean, no.

Thank you, I know.

Just where I like it.

Are you all right?

Oh, definitely.

Well,

I suppose I'd better be going.

I expect you'll like my Avril.

She likes getting her head down.

Oh, does she really?

Good night, Mrs. Chalmers.

Good night.

Night.

Night. Night.

Goodbye.

Thank you.

Oh, blimey. It's Ray Marion.

Off to shoot your lunch, are you?

Um, listen, I'm sorry about that mix -up at the office.

How are your guffies?

Oh, they're fine, thanks. Swing about their new tank like video.

Oh, super.

I say, I want you to do me a favor.

Of course.

Well, could you zip this up?

Pardon?

Oh, I see. What? About the rugby match at the club. It'll be super fun. You

come.

I'll never forget when Tony took me to see the barbers at Twickers and we got

fizzles on champers.

Oh, I say. Yes. I adore rugger types. Do you play?

Me?

Rugby? Oh, yes.

Oh. Oh, madam.

Oh.

Terribly sorry.

Do you think you could give me a hand?

Help me off with this. Right.

Mind your guppies.

Thanks.

I say, I wonder, could you help me? You see, Tony was supposed to pick me up and

take me up to the rugger club to practice my archery. Well, he seems to

held up.

You mean he can't drive?

No. They'll might test twice.

You can imagine what a goose I feel.

Well, we'll take Daddy's car.

Oh, right.

It's a Sherwood.

You will be careful, won't you, the Bentleys? That is pride and joy.

You'll rely on me.

I think... Do be careful.

Here we are.

Get bits and pieces.

Get them in the back.

In you get, madam.

I'm funny.

Link!

Mary! Mary!

Oh, this is too much.

Oh, stand the fellow.

Ah! Miss Truscott?

Miss Truscott, I've locked myself out.

Have you ever done it like this before?

No.

The pygmies can get it further using this method.

Oh, and then it can stop your growth.

Can you stretch it further?

No, I can't get it up anymore.

Ready? Yes.

Right, now.

Yeah,

good shot, Mary.

Thanks. Where did yours go?

Oh.

What are we going to do now?

Oh, well, I've got to get back to the office and get changed.

Fitz arranged for me to take a Miss Blender part out for a lesson. Yes, I

her. She used to be with us.

Oh, dear.

Yes. Well, Sid said she's very nice and a very good pupil.

She's only taken a test for it three times.

Are you all right, dear?

Oh, yes, thanks.

I've been through all the instructors at the Truska driving school as well, you

know. Oh, really?

Yes. Well, and safety belt fastened? Oh, yes. I know my driving code.

Clump clip every trip.

Unforgettable.

Yes.

Right. Now, I'm sure I don't have to remind you of the correct procedure for

pulling away from the curb.

Which curb do you mean, dear? No, don't tell me. Let me guess.

Oh, I see. Yes.

No, no.

This one.

That

was

a teeny -weeny bit impulsive, wasn't it? Oh, was it?

Yes.

Let's take it nice and gently, eh?

Right.

Right. Now, change down as you approach this ever -crossing.

Righty -ho!

I said change down, not charge down.

Oh. Sorry.

Now, now, change down as your coach is calling.

Yes. You can see the corner, can't you? Yes. What? Come through.

Cut.

I'm clutching as hard as I can.

Not that kind of clutch, you silly old... Silly... Silly old you.

You must remember to press down with your foot. Which foot?

Well, the left foot.

The left.

Left. And the right. No, no, no. The left.

Right or left? The left.

Left. Right.

No, no, the other right.

No. No, not on that grass.

Please, I'm trying to... Now,

pull to the right of the cyclist.

right. There is no other right. Sorry, darling.

Sorry. That's quite all right, dear.

Don't mention it.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Miss Landerpots, when I want you to do an emergency stop, I will tell you.

Please do.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Now, we might as well do some reversing.

Oh, good. This is where I came before, you know, with that nice Mr. Nugget. Oh,

really?

Oh, yes.

Well, on second thought, we'll give reversing a miss.

Oh, no.

I was looking forward to reversing. It's my strong suit.

Oh, yes. Well, we'll just keep to straightforward driving, I think. Yes.

Shall we try a little bit of overtaking now?

Right. Shall I do it now?

Yes, now, as long as you're sure it's safe. Oh, yes, it's safe for houses.

No! No!

I can't see the clock with this stupid wheel in the way.

What is the time exactly?

Oh, crikey!

The dual control's gone. Who else? Is that important?

Oh, no, no.

You're a happy person, aren't you?

Mr. Lee, don't you think I'm a midget too near the vehicle in front?

Midget? Yes.

But don't worry about it.

Oh, God.

I like taking lessons with you, you know.

You give me confidence.

You flaming half -wit. Coming back on a bloody transporter. What are you trying

to do, ruin me? Eh? It wasn't my fault, Sid. Oh, no.

Anyway, save a few bob on petrol, eh?

Don't get funny with me, son.

It's a bloody miracle the press didn't get hold of this, you know.

I mean, Timmy, you've got to pull yourself together, kid.

Knoggly could be really big business, you know.

I've already knocked off a couple of Truscott's customers today.

Oh, yes.

Go on. Well, look, there you go, Sid. Maybe we should think about joining up

with them.

That is not a bad idea.

You ought to stay with that trusk of birds. Oh, no, lads. It is nice to see

again. You're everything going all right, is it? Well, it could be if it

for the curse of the Lees here.

I've brought you something, Mum.

Oh, dear.

What is it?

Well, it's a bit of washing, Mum.

Oh, ain't you got a laundry net near you?

Yeah. But it won't take years unless he washes it first.

You might.

Hello, Freddie.

Dad's still at work, is he, then, Mum? No, love. He's upstairs.

He's had one of his turns.

Yeah, like when he turns over and says, Bargaret, I'm not going to work today.

Sage.

Time for a nice cup of tea, have you, love? No, not for me, Mum. I've got to

round to Trusker's place for a drink and pick up Mary.

Oh, I say, how absolutely perfect.

Don't knock it, Sid.

It's going to give me a chance to charm Miss Truscott at home.

Oh, Mum, you see that?

You all right?

Enjoying it? Fine.

You are Mumsy.

Daddy. Thank you, dear. And voila, Miss Truscott. Sorry.

Quite a lively little wine.

Good body. Excellent finish.

You must envy it, Henry.

That's frightfully funny, Mrs. Truskin.

Who's that?

Oh, that'll be Timmy. I'll go and let him in.

Timmy? One of those knobbly types that took over from Dumfrey, Mrs. Truskin.

Awful outsider.

Dreadful person.

Hello. Hello.

See what I mean, Mrs Truscott?

What do you feel like, Timothy?

Shall we try the 69 together?

Hello. Oh, hello.

Here.

Favourites that don't swallow it immediately.

Cheers. Cheers.

Well,

well.

Hello, Leek.

I must say, I never thought I'd ever see you here.

Oh, don't be so beastly, Tony.

What's the matter?

Lost your tongue?

Sorry?

Come on, now, where are your manners?

Not my fault. Not my fault at all.

You filthy... This is my best group of these stupid... Bender control, bender

control. Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.

Steady the buffs.

Thank you, sir.

It's a touch of the old malaria.

Yes, I'm frightened. Sorry about that. Sorry. All over my suit.

Goodness. I'm sorry, Mary.

I wish I could get you on a rugger field.

It wasn't my fault.

Timmy.

Yes?

Your flight, Rondon.

Hey, listen, Mary. Why don't we go away and have a nice quiet trip?

Oh.

Terribly.

Sorry. Lovely party, thank you very much.

The fruit was delicious.

Yes, well, I understand the poor boy has a history of tuberculosis.

Cheer up. There wasn't much broken.

Is there something else bothering you?

Do you really fancy that bender guy?

Well, you know how it is.

Sort of get into things.

Yeah. I think Daddy's pretty keen.

Well, why doesn't your daddy marry him, then?

Dear me.

You still haven't answered my question.

Take the next turning on the left.

It's rather nice down there.

Right.

Oh, Mary, you must realise the way I feel about you.

Oh, gosh, yes, well, I'm beginning to get the idea. Golly, I hope you're all

this fast on the rugby pitch.

What position do you play?

Oh, uh, position.

Um, inside right. No, that's not a rugby position.

Oh, well, what about right inside, then?

Oh, gosh,

it's a nice pair.

What? Trousers.

Oh, yes.

Timothy. Oh, they're my best pair.

Don't.

Don't. Don't what? Don't. Oh,

Timothy. Oh, Timothy.

Gosh,

how rude.

Sorry.

Morning,

Mr. Truscott. Morning, sonny boy.

Come here.

Have you seen the morning paper?

No, sir.

That'll put the kibosh on those noggly bounders once and for all.

Oh, Mr. Truscott, I do like to see you laughing.

Come in, not me driving school. Your time is up.

God almighty, what are you trying to do? Make a laughing stock out of us, are

you? It wasn't my fault, Sid. It wasn't your fault? No, Sid, no.

Yesterday was one of my bad days. Oh, hey.

It was a handbrake. Yeah, what's the matter with it?

Oh, nothing much. Oh.

But it does need a coat of paint, Sid. That's bleeding marvellous, isn't it,

Bleeding marvellous for a driving instructor. I mean, who's going to

after all this publicity, eh?

I've got half a mind.

Hello, Notley Driving School.

You saw the piece about us in the paper, did you? And you want to book a couple

of lessons?

Why, certainly, madam.

Just one moment, please, Adam.

Oh, good.

That's better. You'll pop around.

Thank you. Thank you very much, madam. Look forward to seeing you.

Bloody hell.

Now, where was I?

You were telling me you had half a mind, Sid.

Just you watch it, you.

Right.

Let's just get on with it.

I thought you were supposed to be getting close to that bird.

Hello?

Yes, madam, you saw our... Our what?

Our article in the paper.

And you'd like to book a course of lessons?

Why, certainly, madam.

Sid, Sid, just a moment.

Sorry to interrupt.

Do you still want me? No, no, no. Listen, let this be a lesson to you,

Never,

never, ever underestimate the importance of publicity.

One moment, please, madam. Hey, Mrs. Denton, get around there.

She's one of the oldest clients on the books.

Okay. Okay.

Now, madam, in what way can I service you?

Ah!

Morning. Mrs. Dent, that's right.

Where's Mr. Dumfrey?

Oh, well, he's not at the school anymore.

You used to have him, did you?

More often than not.

Would you like me to drive?

Yes.

I hear you're quite an old hand.

I mean, yes.

Listen, we'll drive up to the golf course and practice some three -point

I'll get a feel of you on the way.

Right.

Right.

I didn't play that shot very well, did I?

Pound a hole, then, Bandolf.

Pound a hole? No, I don't get paid that much. I mean, I don't play golf that

much.

Yes, well, good idea. Why not?

I do like your trousers, sir.

Very nice.

That's one.

Pound a hole, yes. Sorry, good idea, sir.

Well,

that was terrific.

Why are you still taking lessons?

You could pass the test with your eyes closed.

There's more to driving lessons than driving lessons.

Oh, yeah.

What?

Let's take a walk.

You can ask me a few questions about the highway code.

Oh.

Right, yes.

Um... Where are you not allowed to use your horn after 11 .30?

Can you imagine what it's like being a golf widow?

Well... Every Sunday morning, I wake up to the rattle of my husband's balls

going out the front door.

All day long, flogging his little wedge in the bottom of that bunker.

Well, at least you're not playing around, eh?

Well...

Will you get lonely?

No, I've got Sid and Rosie.

Then one gets lonely.

Oh. A woman has needs, you know.

Oh, yes, I suppose she does, really, doesn't she? Come on.

Uh, listen.

Supposing somebody comes.

Oh, dear.

We're not going to need this, are we, really?

Oh, no. No?

Wait a minute. Your husband doesn't play here during the week, does he, at all?

Oh, no.

I play during the week.

Mrs. Ted.

Mrs. Ted. Stop it, Mrs. Ted.

Mrs. Ted.

What the devil?

Good God, it's him again.

Hello.

He's assaulting her, the dirty scoundrel.

Oh, don't be silly, yeah?

Look, she fell in and hit her head.

He's a sex maniac, Mr. Truscott. He's a sex maniac.

Seize him. Seize him. Seize him. Seize him. You've gone too far this time. It

tickles. I've told you before, don't do that.

Come here.

I'll get you for this. That is my new slashing of golfing cardigan.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Mr.

Truscott. Mr.

Truscott. Mr. Truscott.

Mr.

Truscott. My God, I think I've killed him.

I'm terribly strong, you know.

Mr. Truscott, please, wake up. Mr. Truscott.

I'd better give him the kiss of life.

You dirty queeries. No wonder they call you Benner. I didn't mean to hurt you.

You dirty beast. Mr. Truscott, let me explain. It's the first time I've ever

seen a rugby -playing doctor. You've got completely the wrong idea. Get out of

my sight.

That's your career at the Spout, mate.

Mrs Dent. Oh.

Mrs Dent.

You all right?

Well, yes, I... I think so.

What happened?

Well, you got hit on the back of the head by a golf ball.

And those two idiots thought I was trying to rape you.

Well, it's their word against mine, isn't it?

Well... I mean, I'm the only one who can say if you were attacking me or not,

aren't I? Oh, yes, I suppose you are.

Your future is in my hands.

Now, let's get something straight between us.

I think we already have. It was a little pain.

Oh. And I want you to kiss it better.

But I thought you said you... That's not where it hurts.

Oh.

See you later.

Oh.

Oh, yes.

Oh. Oh.

Lie still.

I found it, Mildred.

You know, I sometimes wonder what fate's got against me.

You don't have any problems, do you?

Doesn't matter how hard I try, I just don't seem to be able to do anything

at the moment.

When you think about it, there's not a lot of people I can turn to.

You're about the only real mate I've got.

Far from Sid, of course.

I know what you mean.

Oh, give me that.

Come on, love.

It's easy to see you've never had a baby. You'd take a retire if I did.

Well, you're going to get married one day, you know, love. Do you reckon?

Of course.

You want to stop being so shy and go out with more girls.

Oh, thanks, Mum. Come on, Daddy.

Have you been a good boy?

I've got some nice chewed apples for him.

Take my advice, Tim. I'll never, never teach you what to drive.

Still, I can't crumble, I suppose.

Only got another couple of Truscott's customers today, eh?

At this rate, I'll tell you what, we needn't bother about joining up with

There'll be nothing left to join up with, eh?

Morning.

Hello. Morning.

Hey.

Not another of your filthy jokes.

Did you hear about the fellow that wasn't up to it? No, I didn't. Had to

soapbox to stand on. Oh, really?

Sorry, Mary.

I only mention it because it's very clear your governor's got a little

What do you mean?

This

isn't

for you, is it, sir?

What isn't for me?

This package from Denmark.

Aye, plain brown package.

No, it's a sexual rejuvenation clinic.

Enough pills. I mean package.

I'll attend to them. It later.

This moment in time, we have more important things to think about. Have

these latest trade figures?

No, I don't look at them that often, sir.

We're losing money hand over fist.

There's only one place you can be going to.

Nogley, sir?

Of course.

It's ridiculous.

We've taken some of our best customers lately.

I don't like to suggest this, but I think there's only one thing for it.

What's that, sir?

Murder.

It's a bit strong, isn't it?

I mean, couldn't we just maim them?

I said murder, you fool, not murder.

I thought you said murder.

Join up with them.

With that, sir?

It's so degrading. We're the best.

Calm yourself, Bender.

Necessity is the mother of experience.

Mother of what, sir?

I was thinking more of a takeover than a merger.

We'll take control, put them under contract and fire them in a couple of

Brilliant, sir. Brilliant.

Who's going to broach the merger?

As always, I have a plan, Bandler. I didn't doubt it for one moment, sir.

observed that the younger, noggly creature has developed a kind of

for Mary.

Mary?

Couldn't we keep her out of this?

When we lost Lady Snodley, the jewel of the Truscott crown,

the time came for desperate measures.

Yes, but Mary... Rose is too for little bars, isn't she?

Ed used to have one, something like this, for driving the servants down to

station. Oh, don't forget to use your gears when you want to slow down, Mrs...

Oh, sorry, your ladyship, Snodley.

Cynthia, call me Cynthia. After all, we're living in the 20th century, aren't

we?

Oh, monster!

Truster and Belter don't bother you, do they? Oh, no, they're fine.

Nice Belter.

Oh, on the left, this is your ladyship. I mean, Cynthia, sorry.

The dogs are Edgar's, actually. He's master of the hunt, don't you know? He's

frightfully fond of hunting and shooting and getting paralytically drunk.

Stone monster!

I say, have you ever done any modelling?

Well, I made a glider once, but the wing fell off.

I mean, artist's modelling, you silly boy.

You have an interesting face.

Of course.

But sensitive.

Here we are, home again.

Why don't you come in and pose for me now?

We could have a nibble afterwards.

Oh, yes. All right, then. Super.

Nice place you've got here.

It's just a minor matter.

Come along, monster. Time to pop you inside.

Come along, boys.

Oh.

Yeah, my dad would like this place. Yes, it's Edgar's den, really.

It's rightfully handy for the kennels next door.

Your husband's not going to mind me posing for you, is he? He won't even

about it. There's a meeting of the hunt committed tonight, half past six till

insensible. Oh, now then.

What are we going to do with you?

I don't know. I think there's probably something I can do with you.

You'll just hold the pole?

Oh.

I can only find one of them.

I didn't mean that.

Oh, I think we need a bottle of champagne to relax us.

Can you open that while I go and fetch the dogs?

Yes? They won't get in the way, will they?

No, no, not at all. You're like a ship.

Now, off with those clothes.

Oh, are you sure you really want to?

Now, come along. Don't be shy. Remember, this is art.

What are we... What?

What are we going to do? This is going to be us, Timothy.

I'm very fond of large objects. I can't afford many models, and you're going to

have to fill a great many fards.

With a little help from me, of course.

Of course.

Do a lot of artists work like this? I don't think so, no.

I rather fancy I'm unique.

Could you come on top of me?

Pardon? No, no.

Well, I think it would be better if I lay on top of you.

What?

Yes.

Now, stretch out your arms.

Oh. If you don't mind me asking, what exactly... Nice doggy. What exactly are

painting? The rape of the Sabine women.

Oh, I see. And how many books did they exactly rape?

Oh.

It's sex, isn't it?

Well, I think it is. It's just getting in the way, isn't it?

Well, uh... Ooh.

You could put it like that.

Ooh. Well, you could put it like that. Better get it out of the way then,

we? Yes.

Stop it rearing its ugly head.

Ooh. Then we can concentrate on art.

Art? Art who?

It's funny, but I seem to have trouble with a lot of...

You are a funny boy.

Yes. You must be freezing to death.

Yes. I mean, did you walk home like that? Well, where's your car?

Being serviced.

I think I've got something on.

Here.

Careful with those.

My Ronald made himself a nasty injury.

Roll stairs, you might have those.

He cut himself off in his prime.

I think you'd better go and have a bath, don't you?

Warm you up a bit.

I'll put lots of bubbles in it. Nice hot water all cutting down.

What's the matter?

I can't feel anything.

Let me try.

You need some of

this. I read about it in a book.

Not tough, thanks.

No!

You don't drink it.

No?

Oh, I've heard of the frozen North Pole, but it's bloody ridiculous.

I think that's enough.

There's only one way to tell for certain.

Wait, Mum.

Oh. Oh, sorry, sir. Sorry.

All right, sir.

What? Get any sleep last night, did you?

Oh, no, no. Yeah.

Oh,

God. Oh, man, sir.

Hey, listen, I've got a nice chest you can give Mum and Dad.

Yeah, I've seen you use it.

I thought we'd take them out for the afternoon on the 14th.

What for?

Well, it is their anniversary, you know.

Oh, blimey, I completely forgot about that.

Where are we going to take them, then? Well, I thought we'd take them to the

Trattoria Crossi for lunch.

What about after that, then?

Dad'd certainly get pissed.

Oh, bloody hell, yeah.

Here I know, we'll take them to the rugby tournament.

There'll certainly be a bar there.

Hey, that's a good idea, the old man. I love that.

Here, they're still if you want. Your friend, Mary, dropped the pin.

She only deals wholesale.

Oh,

call the band.

I'm pregnant again.

Here. She wants to see me at her place this evening alone.

Oh, God almighty.

It's that posh voice that does it for you, isn't it?

A touch of the Barbara Cartlands and you're bloody anybody's.

Oh, shut up. So what do you know about romance?

Nothing very much. I'm married.

I wonder what she won't say.

Hope you don't mind watching the last few minutes of rugby special, but it's

exciting.

Gosh,

that's a big one.

Picard at the three points behind.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes. Oh.

Oh. Is it?

Is it?

Come on, chat.

Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh It was Daddy's idea, really.

He's rather keen on us getting together.

Your dad?

Oh, yes.

He thinks it would be in the best interests for both of us.

But, uh, what about Bender?

Oh, well, of course, he's not very pleased, but then there's nothing he can

if the rest of us have made up our minds.

I mean, there's no point in us going our separate ways when we could be so much

more successful together.

That's right.

Oh, Mary.

I'm so happy.

It's Mummy and Daddy.

They mustn't find us like this.

My watch has got stuck.

Oh, gosh, how ghastly. They mustn't find us like this.

something for you.

I have no desire to take your filthy pill, Henry.

They're not filthy pills. They're formulated by scientists. And what

Anyway, they come from Copenhagen.

I see nothing amiss with that. You eat Danish bacon, don't you?

Danish bacon is rather different to a sexual stimulant, at least I have always

found it so in the past. Perhaps because we eat it at breakfast.

Many wives, you know, would be flattered that their husbands would wish to

engage them in an experiment of this nature.

Henry, I've got one of my headaches coming on. And if you must drink too

please don't take it out on me.

You never give me a chance to take it out. That's the problem.

Go on, speak a bit vulgar.

Oh, I was just thinking of us, dear. Oh, very well, Henry. If you're going to

make my life a perfect misery, I'll have your silly pill.

Probably only aspirin, anyway.

One for me.

Help me.

Good afternoon.

Oh, where the bloody hell have you been? We'll be late for Mom and Dad at the

restaurant, you know.

Sorry, Sid. Had a bit of a hectic evening and I... Yeah, and overslept.

Brace yourself, Sid.

I think I'm unofficially engaged.

Oh, my God. I haven't got time to get you saved by now. Come on, let's go.

Hey, yeah.

Funny woman, that lady, Snodley.

She only wants to paint me, you know.

Well, you have got lovely bones, Sid.

That's funny. That's what she said, you know. Really? Yeah.

Oh, come on, let's go.

Oh, take a rat.

You should talk with that bloody thing on.

Oh, look.

Candles. Yeah.

It's been a bad way out of the corner for bleeding electricity.

Oh, sit down in the castle.

Hey, listen, you're evil. Your fable is awake.

Ah, greasy -ass Luigi.

Oh, it's the boy, isn't it? Yeah, but he's ever so nice to you, Mum. Yeah?

What's the noise like, mate? All right? All right, we'll get him up.

Where are you going? I'll sit next to you. Sit there, Sam. I'll sit there.

sit next to you. Yeah, Dad, sit down, then. Yeah.

You'll sit down on here, shall I? Yeah.

Thank you. Sit down.

You're tough.

Sit down.

Sit down.

I think continental men are ever so charming.

Oh, yeah.

Well, at least we'll stir in your tea.

Oh, there's breadsticks, Dad.

You like a pair of teeth, Signora?

Oh, she doesn't want a pair of teeth. She's got her own.

Dad, and a pair of teeth is a drink, isn't it?

That's something you have before your oars is duvet.

Yes. Yeah, well, I'll try anything once. Bring me a pint of it. No, we'll have a

carafo vino, eh?

You know, I don't understand any of this.

Oh, look.

There's only one English thing on it, that spaghetti.

I'll have that. Do you want something to eat, senor? Chips.

Have you got any chicken at all?

Oh, si, senor. Petto di pollo.

It's delicious.

All right, I'll have some of that, then, please. Oh, me too.

Oh, excuse me one moment, senor. Sure, sure.

Jason, where is he now? Oh, he's lovely, ma 'am.

Avril was kind enough to babysit for us, wasn't she?

But I'm a bit worried.

Excuse me, senor. Ah, now take a direct answer.

What's this?

Pasta? It's probably fish pasta.

No, no, that's something expensive. He's paid.

We'll have three spaghetti bolognese and two petty dipolas, Louise. Si, senor.

Hey, don't forget my chips, Beppo.

Si, senor. Walter, you do our pawn.

We've done nothing but complain since we came through the door. He's paying for

the meal, you know.

Well, I don't understand why we can't go to a nice English place.

There's still a few of us left in Britain, you know. Well, I am going to

to Sid and Timmy and the driving school.

And to Mum and Dad, because it's their happy wedding anniversary.

Oh, yeah, right.

Happy anniversary, Mum and Dad.

We'll have two minutes silent.

Oh, bloody. You know what I mean?

Sid, what do you know about wine?

Where to put it, love?

Señora, put some of these vegetables on your side of the plate. Oh.

Oh,

Gigi Rosalie, can you play in the monastery garden? Oh, si, señore.

Piss off and play there.

Watch it, border. I'll be ramming it right up your bleeding ootah.

Señora, you would like a little bit under the side? Oh, yes, please.

How dare you make filthy suggestions to my wife?

That's enough.

you can stick your fiddle up your grassy arse.

Timothy!

Timothy! Oh, look, it's Mary. I'll see you later.

Dad, look careful, Dad.

Gosh, I am glad you could come. I've got you a game.

What? Yes, one of the finalists are a man short. You'll be playing against

Tony's team, isn't it? Super.

Oh, but I've just eaten.

Oh, don't worry. It's only seven a side. Ten minutes each way.

Scared?

There's not much time. Hey, listen, are my team any good or what?

Oh, don't worry about what they look like.

Fine bunch of chaps, really.

Good luck, Timothy.

Yes. Thanks, Mary.

That's my boy.

Go on, son, keep it accomplished.

Oh, God.

You really must try and curb that pathetic streak of exhibitionism, Tim.

shut up. Look, look after that lot, will you? And keep your thieving hands out

of that wallet, right?

Hello, love. Good luck, love.

Yeah, well,

you're doing yourself a favour.

Enjoy yourself,

Leek.

He used his hands.

That will improve performance.

Sure. Bloody hell. Simi could do with a couple of these, eh?

You got one in the croonies? Yes, sir. Hey, you sucker players, all the same.

He tapped it again, ref, I'm sure.

Shut your English sucker, Keiko.

Go on, sit.

Don't worry. Don't worry. You'll feel much better after having some of your

pills. What pet pills?

The Danish gear. A box of them in the orange juice. Oh, thank you, Leek.

Now, my need is greater than yours. Hey, wait a minute.

You.

Thank you, old boy.

You greedy kid. That was for him. Oh, no, sit.

Hello, Timothy.

Well played.

Right, second half, you puffed holes.

Party for God's sake.

Mary, I want you. Oh, no. Oh, jam.

Oh, no. I know.

That's my car.

That's my daughter.

We'll check the Bentley.

Right.

Open this door.

Open the door.

Oh, it's stuck, sir. You'll have to get in the back.

Be careful of my Bentley.

Leave it to Nogby, sir.

After them.

Mary, I feel so, how can I put it, sexually aroused. Be careful.

After them, after them.

Tony, why don't we just wait for Daddy to catch up?

Watch out for those men.

Watch out for those men.

I've talked about my pet rat.

I'd like to report an accident.

50 bloody quid.

That's not a lot to end up with, is it? Hey, and all thanks to Laughing Boy

here. Yes, I think it's jolly bad luck. Do you? That's not quite what Daddy

said.

What are you going to do now? I don't know, do I? I

mean...

Mayor.

How do you fancy a trip to the seaside, Timo?

Eh?

Timo?

Timo!

Sid! Sid, hi!

Up here, yes!

Look out!

Sid! My name's Emily, and you

can't see me, cause you don't know where to look.

But oh look, when I turn my light on,

I'm gonna turn you right on. My name's Emily, and you can't catch me, cause you

don't know where I am.

But, oh, man, when I turn my light on.

I'm going. Turn you right on, right on.

Well, I know where I'm going. Don't take much knowing. On a straight line to the

sun. To the sun. Maybe a flyer of the same I'm a try.

Gonna get there someday.

Watch me, everyone.

Oh, my name's Timmy Lee, and you can't have me, cause you don't know where to

start. So I'll start and turn your light on, then turn you right on. Oh,

my name's Timmy Lee, and you can't fool me, cause I ain't that kind of guy.

But oh my, if you turn my light on, you might turn me right on, right on.

Well, I know where I'm going, don't take my snowing on a straight line through

the sun.

I may be a flyer all the same. I'm a try.

Gonna get there someday.

Watch me as I walk.