Original subtitles

Kicking us off, as she does every year,

the First Lady of British Folk Music herself, Shirley Collins.

Happy Eel Day everyone.

♪ Adieu to Old England, adieu ♪

♪ And adieu to some hundreds of pounds ♪

♪ If the world had been ended when I had been young ♪

♪ My sorrows I never have known ♪

♪ Once I could drink of the best ♪

♪ The very best brandy and rum ♪

♪ Now I am glad of a cup of spring water ♪

♪ That flows from town to town ♪

♪ Adieu to Old England, adieu ♪

♪ And adieu to some hundreds of pounds ♪

♪ If the world had been ended when I had been young ♪

♪ My sorrows I never have known ♪

Come on, Town Mouse, wake up.

Everyone's waiting.

Stop smacking me!

What do you mean waiting? Waiting for what?

You! Eel Queen!

Me? Eel Queen? No!

No! It can't be me. Please. Please.

Stop. Stop. What am I wearing?

You can just knock people out and change their clothes.

Argh!

If I haven't got my pants on,

I'm calling the police.

It's Linda

It's Linda, look.

Please. Please.

This has gotten way out of hand.

I need to wee.

All hail Linda! The first ever Eel Queen!

All hail Linda!

Wh--Why am I going in the water?

Need to cleanse you before the festival.

Just symbolic is all. Summer Solstice.

Death of the old, birth of the new.

It's a joyful thing, Linda.

Try and enjoy it.

Don't worry. You'll be in and out like a cantucci.

Linda.

As you make your journey through menopause,

we baptise you with immersion,

using the cleansing and healing powers of water

signifying death, burial, and resurrection,

we celebrate your rebirth

as you share these magical waters with the eel,

as it makes its way back to the Sargasso Sea,

back to its destiny.

This all sounds like the menopause to me, Linda.

Three cheers for Linda. Hip hip...

What makes you so bloody special,

- nothing, that's what... -Here's to friendship.

Oh, my eyes.

Got soap in my eyes! Argh!

Where's the towel?

Kids, please!

Hang the towels up!!

Ah!

Ah.

Ah. Oh, thank God.

Oh...

Oh that's better.

The procession starts at 3 p.m. outside the Five Alls.

You enjoy today, Linda.

Well, I mean, I don't know what's gonna happen.

And it's all getting a bit too "Wicker Man" for me.

- Joy? Joy? -Ah-hah.

Can I have a word with you please?

Oh. Can it wait, Linda?

I'm busy uploading everything

on to the live feed.

What's going on?

Why did they pick me?

The Eel Sisters wanted it to be a childless woman...

like them.

I'm sure whatever you've done,

you've done it for a good reason.

You represent change, Linda.

That's what today is all about.

You're a menopausal woman, passing through.

Not only that-- you've brought the community together.

The eviction notice, Fayther's memorial,

The Men's Menopause & Curry Nights.

You've changed people's minds.

You make the perfect eel queen.

Enjoy your moment.

Oh, and... Smile!

More.

More!

No! No! No!

Kids! Did you see that?!

Did you see what happened?!

I give you one job!

Match it up then put it in!

They can't hear me.

I don't fucking believe it.

Get this down to Pig Man

and he'll get it down to the Verderer.

Right oh, Carm.

Mind them fins, they're fragile.

Almost done, Cinderella.

-Can I see? - Yeah.

Please take a photo.

Let me see.

Let me see.

Oh, my God! I love it!

Just put matched Tupperware.

Don't match Tupperware.

Match the Tupperware.

What?

Slow down, Siobhain.

You've seen Linda where?

What's-- What's Instagram Stories?

Is it on WhatsApp or another messaging?

Send it? Hang on.

All hail Linda,

- the first ever Eel Queen. -All hail Linda.

Well, I wasn't expecting that, but you know.

What do you mean she hasn't told anyone about us?

Why would she do that?!

I... I've been here

run ragged the last few weeks like a-- like a slave.

Literally like an unpaid slave.

Why would she not tell anyone about us?!

I'll tell you what. Time's up, Linda!

I am not invisible.

I am-- That's my ankle!

Can't you see me?!

Pig Man: Happy Eel Day, Jim!

I've got something for you to try on, from the Eel Sisters.

I'll watch the tree for you while you're gone.

Kids! I'm off to do a couple of hours fishing with the lads!

I'll be back before tea!

Don't burn the house down!

Welcome to the 2022 Eel Festival!

As you know, we're doing things a bit different this year.

We're still celebrating eels...

Wouldn't be no Eel Festival without eels!

But giving it a woman's touch.

From time immemorial, we women have had masculine iconography

and phallic symbolism shoved down our throats.

From prehistoric cave art and Greek mythology

to the Totem and May poles...

I thought the maypole represented crops

- coming up out the ground. - Well, it don't!

It represents male fertility.

It represents something coming up-- but it ain't no courgette!

So this year, it's gonna be less o' this.

An a bit more o' this.

What's up lads?

Female representations of fertility offend you?

You was born out of one of these.

Unless you come out of some poor woman's asshole?

- What is it though? - Sheela na gig, Brian.

Medieval stone carving.

Some say hers a fertility goddess,

some say an architectural grotesque to ward off evil.

But we're reclaiming her as a woman who don't give a shit.

For thousands of years,

we've been looking at men's willies.

Well, you can look at our fannies for a bit.

On our terms.

Unbuckle me, Brian!

Yeah, go on, Brian.

Woman 2: Go on, Brian. Unbuckle her.

Today, we celebrate women's transition

from one world to the next.

From puberty and menopause and finally, rebirth.

And as we mark the eel's final journey,

back to its birthplace in the Sargasso Sea...

To reproduce and die, let us also mark woman's,

as she embarks on her final journey

back to her true self.

Over to you Linda--

Eel Queen.

May all your transitions be joyful!

May all your transitions be joyful!

- You look banging. - Well, thank God for that.

It's a minefield for white people, Joy,

all this blackface stuff.

No, it isn't.

Just don't do it, Tone.

Wait for me!

Wait for me! I'm one of the eel children!

I'm one of the eel children!

You made it, Verderer!

You got your fins!

The first station is... Puberty!

Puberty!

Would a girl like to come up?

Willow!

Puberty-- where it all begins.

As she transitions from childhood to adulthood,

everything changes.

No longer a child, not yet a woman,

she tries to make sense of her unfamiliar, changing body.

Aww! She's cute, really.

Erm.

Happens so fast doesn't it, Willow?

One day you're packing your favourite teddy for a sleepover,

and the next it's sanitary towels.

Do you know how I dealt with my puberty, Willow?

I became a goth.

You won't think this, because the world is

doing a really good job of telling you

the exact opposite, but what you look like

is not the most important thing about you.

That's right.

So don't waste time comparing yourself to others

or worrying about what other people think of you,

and don't...

And don't wait until you're 50 to love yourself.

Because you, Willow, are brilliant and amazing and unique

and there's no-one else like you.

We're not meant to look the same.

We're supposed to be different.

Our fingerprints, our faces...

Our vulvas.

I wasn't gonna mention vulvas, but now you have.

Every single vulva in this procession today,

Is completely unique and magical.

Vulvas are like-- are like snowflakes.

Made of gammon.

Thank you, Willow.

May all your transitions be joyful!

May all your transitions be joyful!

Ready?

Hey. You guys know Linda?

The second station--

Menopause!

Menopause!

Would a menopausal woman like to come up?

Sarah?

Well, I'd just like to say...

me an the lads was firmly against the womanisation

of the festival at first, but well we--

we thinks it's right women has a go at last

and well we need to know about the menopause

an all, so's we can help our wives when they're--

they're fucking mental.

Thank you, Brian.

Nice to have a man's perspective on the menopause.

Ah, well spoken.

Ravaged by menstruation, pregnancy, childbirth,

breastfeeding, high heels, and spandex...

Must now prepare for its final onslaught--

amnesia, anxiety, depression,

cardiovascular disease, osteoporosis.

and last but not least,

vaginal dryness.

Thank you.

I didn't know anything about the menopause

until a man told me I was in it.

Sounds right.

I thought I had dementia.

Oh, you too, Sarah.

Without the menopause,

I wouldn't have had the confidence to come here.

I wouldn't have made new friends,

and I wouldn't be Eel Queen.

And I know that every menopause is different,

and that a third of women will be having a really,

really hard time of it.

And it hasn't been plain sailing for me,

but I feel great.

I really do.

I feel liberated and powerful,

like I've joined a club

of cool, wise, brilliant women.

And I see them,

and I know that they see me.

I see you, Sarah.

Thank you.

May all your transitions be joyful!

May all your transitions be joyful!

The third station--

Rebirth!

Rebirth!

As she approaches her final chapter,

reborn woman realises all the violations and inequalities

her foremaythers endured--

the sexual harassment, objectification,

unequal pay, molesting,

the loss of autonomy, the belittling...

The rape, the murder,

the domestic violence, honour killings,

female genital mutilation, breast ironing,

arranged marriages, child brides, prostitution...

Ooh! Ice cream?

Oh, ask him if he does rum and raisin?

Reborn woman realises she will die

before any of these are eliminated.

Perhaps this is the cause of her anger.

Not the lack of oestrogen!

Come on, Jackie. It's your turn now.

Linda.

This is what today is all about--

coming out the other side.

We recognise and celebrate you, Jackie.

You've made it.

May all your transitions be joyful!

May all your transitions be joyful!

Jackie, come on!

Faythers memorial,

would you like to say a few words, Eel queen?

Yeah. Yeah, OK.

Erm...

As you all know, this was Fayther's favourite spot.

I never met Fayther,

but I know how important he was to the community.

You will all each have your own personal memories of him--

Er, both good and bad.

And so let's take a moment to remember those now.

The tree.

It's been here hundreds of years.

Just like our forfaythers. And foremaythers.

Maybe it's a magic tree.

Linda?

Who the fuck are you?

♪ Oh, Sally my dear, it's you I'd be kissing ♪

♪ She smiled and replied ♪

♪ "You don't know what you're missing" ♪