Original subtitles

♪ The day I turned my life around ♪

♪ Was a day like any other ♪

♪ I tried to start all over again ♪

♪ But was warned by my mother ♪

♪ A circle in a spiral ♪

♪ A never-ending lie ♪

♪ A solitary weakness ♪

♪ Would mean that you'd be mine ♪

♪ La la la la over and over again ♪

♪ I'm going round in circles ♪

♪ Round and round and round ♪

♪ Like I'm riding on a cart wheel ♪

♪ But I can't make a sound ♪

♪ I'm deep into the quicksand ♪

♪ Sinking below ♪

♪ All that's left is my hand ♪

♪ Down and down I go ♪

♪ La la la la over and over again ♪

♪ Again, again, again, again ♪

♪ Agaaaaaaaaain ♪

-Well, we should have-- -Angela.

Angela, can I speak?

Am I allowed to speak? It's only my show.

If you want to rant about the eel queen,

- you can do that on Joy's show! - Let me just say--

Or-- Or radio Four's dreadful Woman's Hour.

- But the thing is-- - I mean, why is it still on?

- Why's it still on? - Sorry, but can I--

No one wants to hear about menstruation, rape,

and female genital mutilation at 10:00 in the morning, Angela!

- Listen to me. No, I mean-- - If there's a woman's hour,

where's the hour for black people?

Or midgets?

Or people that i-identify as Klingons?

There are people that identify as Klingons, Angela.

You Sellotape a Mars bar to your head,

- put a Tina Turner wig on, you're a Klingon. -No, I'm just--

This is a rich country.

Right. There's no such thing as food poverty.

I'm living up a tree, and I've got cheese!

You know, if the poor people in this country are going hungry,

it's because they're spending their benefits

on fags and gnomes.

Solomon is on line two. Hello, Solomon.

Now them bones been found,

development's halted, and your birds are safe,

some say you're no longer a local hero,

just some bigot up a tree.

Ah, well, thank you for that, Solomon.

They're safe for now.

But whether the site becomes a crime scene

or an archaeological dig,

the developers will be back with their chainsaws.

And I, for one, am not going anywhere.

Isaiah's on line three. Hello, Isaiah.

You ain't even a real Verderer!

- Stick it up your arse! - Okay.

Let's have some music now then, shall we?

But before we do, a big shout out

to Neil and Christine Hamilton who sent me a crate of cheese.

It's unbelievable, honestly.

If someone had told me 20 years ago,

that I'd be living up a tree

chomping on a pound of Stinking Bishop

that the leader of the UKIP party had sent me,

I wouldn't have believed them.

Humbled.

Truly humbled.

You know, I might be defecating like a tramp up here,

but I am eating like a king.

-So what will you do? - The right thing.

Oi. Well, just don't rush into anything.

I know you.

It's very well having socialist principles,

but not if you hand over your entire inheritance.

- Think of the cats. -I've spent three weeks

thinking about this will, Joy.

Fayther Watkins had sex with mum once

and never did nothing for her nor me when he was alive.

He's not my fayther.

I-I don't want his eel cafe or Eel King title

or the stewardship of the eel festival.

I'd like to have my half sisters mind,

if they'll have me.

I can't believe no one saw it.

The resemblance is uncanny.

It's gonna hit Uncle hard.

His brain'll explode.

He doesn't need to know.

He's been like a fayther to me since mum died.

Hey. What's happened to your eye?

Er...

Bird flew into it.

What the hell's going on?

Pronoun punch up at the pub.

The Verderer's furious that Ryan got hurt.

What does he expect, putting that shit out there?

Tony ended it, according to Ryan.

He asked the idiots what Ryan's pronouns

what it had to do with them, and they said they didn't know,

they hadn't really thought about it,

so he said, "Well, maybe you should think about it."

Then he whacked them with a pool cue.

Hmm.

Joy... I wanted to talk to you about something.

About why I was at the mine entrance?

I was wondering when you were gonna ask that.

What?

I was mining ochre.

- For your art? - Yeah.

But taking from the land is frowned upon

if you're not from here, Lin, so...

Keep it on the low down.

Oh, it's down low?

- What is? - You said "low down".

- No, I didn't. - Okay.

-Joy? - Yeah?

There's something else I wanted to ask you.

That is a really lovely idea, Lin.

The town would really appreciate that.

Okay.

I mean, let's mull it over.

These things can be really personal.

Oh, yeah. Okay.

Now. Now. Look. Look. Boys. Boys, listen to this.

"Few tasks are more similar to the torment of the Sisyphus,

with its endless repetition, than those of the housewife.

Day after day one must wash dishes, dust furniture,

mend clothes that will be dirty, dusty, and torn again.

The housewife wears herself out running on the spot.

She never gains the sense

that she's conquering a positive good,

but struggles indefinitely against evil."

This is my life.

So that's what Ryan wants to do.

Always were a lovely child.

We got half-sibling, Carm.

We have.

Could've taken Ryan in when Sarah died, if we'd known.

Ah, well, the Verderer did a decent job.

We'll make sure the cats want for nothing.

Always felt there were someone missing, I did.

Oh, and another thing that Linda wanted me to ask you...

I told her we ain't doing vegan eels.

Nor eel karaoke.

A memorial for fayther.

For the community.

As part of the festival procession.

Didn't have the guts to ask us herself, Saint Linda?

Too busy do-gooding?

Collecting the Verderer's shit bags

and teaching the men about the menopause not enough for her?

She wanted it to be a surprise. I know how much you hate those.

This is why I'm telling you, because I don't want anyone

getting punched in the face again.

She doesn't know about the will or Ryan yet,

and she thought you'd appreciate it,

that it'd be good for morale.

You know, to unite the town.

The redevelopment and the Eel Festival has been so divisive.

Er, obviously it's complicated for you both.

So...

Why don't you sleep on it?

Do what you want.

We don't give a shit, do we, Carm?

No, we do not.

- Cantucci? -Hmm?

- Cantucci? -Can I what?

- Biscuit? - Oh. Yes, please!

- Thanks. - Italian almond biscuits

- especially for coffee. - Oh, lovely.

I think they're off.

Supposed to be like that. You dunk it in the coffee.

Oh, right.

- You can suck it, if you like. - Hmm.

Mmm.

- Nice, ain't they? -Mmm, really nice.

I wish they'd hurry up and date these bones.

Feel a bit vulnerable in the caravan on my own.

Don't worry about it, Linda. I'm sure it's all very innocent.

Yeah, you're right. Nothing to worry about.

Someone probably just died of natural causes

when they were out walking, fell over,

some soil blew on them, and then no one reported them missing?

I never really thanked you for ripping that Eviction notice off

- and bringing it to the meeting. - Ah.

I probably wasn't supposed to do that.

Well, it meant a lot to me.

Erm... Linda.

Mm-hmm?

There's something I really wanna show you.

- Oh. - Pig Man: Can you come inside?

Yeah.

Oh, God.

I'm sorry, Pig Man, but I don't see you like that at all.

And I'm sorry if I've ever given you that impression,

but I genuinely don't think that I have.

- No, Linda. I'm not-- -Can't men and women

just be friends without men always thinking

there's something in it? And Newsflash!

We really don't want to look at your penises all the time.

Okay? Babies! That's what we like looking at.

Babies and dogs. And cats in costumes.

Not penises. I know it's a power thing.

What if women exposed their vulva's to men?

"Oh, hello, my name's Linda.

My life hasn't turned out how I wanted it to.

I've got no power. Look at my vagina!"

Linda. Please!

Please, just...

turn around.

I haven't got my penis out.

Oh, my God, my time capsule!

It's in really good nick still!

There, there.

That's where it fell out from my backpack

when I was climbing up the tree.

Oh, my God.

Oh.

Mum's spoon!

Baking was our thing.

Hmm.

We used to pick this together on-- on walks.

Loads.

S-Sorry, why have you got my--

I meant to tell you that first day.

The longer I left it, the harder it got.

Porky!

Oh, my God.

It's given me so much comfort over the years.

So what's going on, Pig Man?

My daughter, Holly...

I'd just almost tripped over.

That's why she's laughing.

She wasn't with us very long.

Oh, God.

I'm so sorry.

Her mum took the photo.

We...

Our marriage didn't survive it.

Her illness, I mean.

Not the...

Not the trip.

Funny, as a parent, you'd give anything for a minute's peace.

What I wouldn't give now for one more minute with her.

She was mad about pigs.

I know it sounds daft, but...

this is where I feel closest to her.

- How old was she? - 10.

Same age I was when I hid the capsule.

God, you must've thought it was some kind of sign, or...

To find a toy pig where your boar's truffles grow.

Maybe it's a magic tree?

Yeah.

Maybe it was planted on a ley line.

When I was a kid,

I used to think there was really something special

about this place.

Something...

...otherly.

I know what you mean.

Pig Man: Was it a school project?

No. No.

Erm, when my mum died, I decided to bury everything I loved.

I was furious with God.

I remember thinking, right, well,

just have everything, then.

Have it all.

My way of coping I suppose.

- There you are! - Siobhain?!

H-- How did you...?

Find my phone. Weird kid in a cafe.

Two weird sisters in another cafe.

Small man up a tree. And hey presto! I knew it.

I told Steve there was someone else, but he wouldn't have it.

The gullible dick.

Boo, hoo, hoo, hoo.

I'm Linda.

I've locked my grief in a time capsule!

I've got the menopause!

I want people to know me as Linda,

not as somebody's wife and mum!

Oh. You didn't know there was a husband and kids at home,

did you? Oh, shame.

- We're not-- -I knew it.

I knew you didn't have it in you to go off on your own.

I knew there had to be a man involved.

All this "finding yourself" bullshit

when all you've found is Jesus of Nazareth here.

Do you rise again on the third day, do you, mate?

Oh, maybe you rise every day, you dirty Bertie, Linda.

That's enough, Siobhain!

I'm gonna give you two some space.

No. This-- This is your home.

- We'll go outside. - Okay.

Great to meet ya.

Put a T-shirt on. Linda? Linda?

- Whew. - Have you seriously

traded in your husband and kids

for Crocodile Dundee, some twat up a tree,

and two weird eel women

who have to be the biggest pair of cunts I've ever met?

- And I've met Ant and Dec. - It's been really good for me,

- this trip, Siobhain. - It's being bloody selfish

- is what it's been. - I'm entitled

to have some time to myself.

- You should do the same. - Oh, leave me out of this.

This has got nothing to do with me.

It obviously has. It's always about you.

It always has been.

You didn't need to take mum's role, Siobhan.

You were just a kid yourself, but you did

because that was the only way

that you could deal with her death.

And I let you because I could see that it filled a hole.

But it stops now.

It's exhausting.

I love you, Siobhain.

But, please.

Y-You're not mum.

So, live your life, and let me live mine.

Mistakes and all.

Three weeks on your own and you've turned

into a right cocky little shit.

Oh, God.

The truth will out, Linda, because it always does.

Tell them who you are and stop being a weird idiot.

Or I will.

And why are you dressed like Julian Cope?

- Twat. -I'm afraid

I'm gonna have to cut you off there, Jackie,

breaking news just in!

The results are back from the lab,

and it's been confirmed that the bones

found by the developers are definitely human.

They've been sent off for further analysis.

The plot thickens!

Back after this.

There you go.

Ahh!

The wives found out about Lin's fucking ledger.

It's causing a lot of problems.

They're already timing and costing their chores now.

They said it already adds up to a spa weekend.

You better hope this don't catch on, Steve.

It's like the Icelandic women's strike of 1975

- all over again. - Jesus Christ.

Hello?!

Ag's?

Is anyone home?

Hello?

Shit.

Argh! Can you stop doing that?!

What?

I just want to tell you that I'm staying in the pub tonight

because they've found--

As you know, the bones are human,

but they haven't dated them yet,

and I don't fancy staying out in the woods on my own

in a caravan with no lock on the door.

- Human bones, you say? - Whoa! Please!

Why don't you have a drink with us, Linda?

Settle them nerves?

We'll get some of fayther's special whiskey out.

- And mayther's special glasses. - No. no. I-I just want to go.

It's very nice of you, but-- but I'd much rather...

Oh, sorry.

I-I-I'd be honoured to have some of Fayther's special whiskey

out of one of Mayther's special glasses.

Thank you. Thank you.

The water of life.

Don't fret about no bones, Linda.

-Nor your tree. - Oh, alright.

I won't fret, then.

Why is no one bothered about this?

It's all sorted, Linda.

Great, great, grandfayther's seen to it.

- Great, great, grandfayther-- -Here we go again.

...who was born on this land over by them bins

and was returned to it over there by that tree,

got dug up.

Then was returned to another part of it.

Do you know what?

I'm really sick of these riddles.

Why don't you just speak nor--

No! You didn't!

The bones are great, great, grandfayther's?

Isn't that illegal?

- Not round here. - Forest rules.

Do others know?

Them as need to know, knows.

Forest folk, what has the forest in their hearts.

And the pathologists office.

- And the police. - And third cousin Bernadette.

'Er loves diggin' up bones.

And now you.

And now me.

See, Carm? Digging up the past does sometimes work.

We trust you, Linda.

And we don't want the whole town knowing.

So keep it on the low down.

I will.

- Oh, it's down low. - What is?

You said...

N-Nothing.

- Cheers. - Here's to friendship.

And truth.

Jesus. You swallow loudly.

♪ Oh, Sally, my dear, it’s you I’d be kissing ♪

♪ Oh, Sally, my dear, it's you I'd be kissing ♪

♪ She smiled and replied ♪

♪ "You don't know what you're missing" ♪

♪ Oh, Sally, my dear, I wish I could wed you ♪