Original subtitles

♪ O, mother, my mother ♪

-Hi. Carm. - Yeah.

♪ How sweetly your siren song sounds o’er the sea ♪

♪ If it weren’t for your arms ♪

♪ An orphan I’d be ♪

♪ O, mother, my mother ♪

♪ Cruel mother country ♪

I've a mind to smash the dead fucker's headstone in!

- Like they did with Saville's. - I could've been a lion tamer

if I'd took that scholarship.

And I a magician.

He still writes, you know, David Copperfield.

Weren't just careers we lost, Carm.

We could've had any man in this town.

- Or dog! - Gave our whole lives

to that caf, and this is how he thanks us!

We won't hand our legacy over to some undeserving bastard

without a fight!

I'll get Psychic Sandra to get hold of him.

Tear him a new one.

He won't answer, the dead coward.

If fayther thinks he's had the last word by dying...

he's got another thing coming!

Ooh!

Ooh!

Ooh. God.

Oh...

Ohh. Ohh.

Ohh... ohh.

Ohh! Ooh!

Mmm! Thank you! Lovely!

Okay. Bye, then!

Pick up, Linda!

Steve's told me you've gone to find a time capsule in a tree.

In a forest of 20 million trees.

Well, he might have fallen for it, but I haven't!

And what's all this shit about a chore ledger?!

We're women, Linda! This is what we do!

It's what we've always done!

What makes you so bloody special?

Nothing! That's what!

So stop whinging and moaning

about being a woman and come home!

The kids said Steve smells already.

Today's show is about men's sense of entitlement...

and where it comes from.

I was at a friend's daughter's ninth birthday recently.

And we were about to do the cake.

And her little brother came out

with a poo on a plate,

with nine candles stuck in it.

And his mum, my friend, laughed.

And, you know, it got me thinking that

we don't have the same level of...

tolerance for little girls' behaviour.

If a little girl came out with a poo on a plate

with candles stuck in it at her brother's birthday,

we would have her psychologically assessed.

As little girls, we're asked to smile,

be nice, put that pigeon down.

Is it our reluctance to call out the bad behaviour of boys

what leads to their sense of superiority and entitlement?

And is that the root cause

of everything that's wrong in the world?

Lines are open.

Chemically castrate all boys!

Yeah, you can't keep calling in and saying that, Becky.

Right. Line two. Agnes.

There ain't gonna be no Eel King at this year's Eel Festival!

We're havin' a woman instead!

Well...

that's gonna ruffle some feathers.

Brian on line three.

I don't understand

why you have to have an Eel Queen

when tradition says it's always been an Eel King!

Oop. Sorry, Brian. The line seems to be cutting out. I can't really.

Shh!

And, lastly, one final reminder

before I hand over to the Verderer.

Tony's tackle will be out again

for my live drawing class tonight.

Great news about the Eel Queen, Verderer.

Not today, Joy. I'm not in the mood.

Joy, can I...

- Yes. - Have a seat.

- Alright. - Thank you.

- Hot flush? - Yeah.

I'm on my seventh of the day.

Ooh. I'm sorry about the bell, by the way.

Shouldn't-- Shouldn't you just take it off

or maybe put a sign up, warning people?

No, no, no. Everyone knows. It's simple.

If we're talkin', no walk-in.

Oh. Well...

- Is that...? - Tony.

Yeah! Tony, yeah. I met him in the pub last night.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Huh.

They really captured the essence of him, haven't they?

I hear the caravan's looking pukka.

- Eh? - News travels fast

round here, Linda.

Hey. Coffee?

Erm, y-yes, please. Yeah. That'd be lovely.

Okay.

He's sweet.

"They." Ryan's non-binary.

- Oh. Right. -He says it like it is!

Taking on the Wokerati one snowflake at a time!

Giving it to you straight and unfiltered,

it's The Verderer!

Good morning. Good morning.

I was gonna speak to you about immigration

on the show today and ask you,

"With the NHS in crisis,

isn't the taxpayers' money better spent dealing with

an Englishman's cancer than an African's AIDS?"

But that will have to wait until tomorrow

because today we are up against it with the feminazis!

That's right. You'll have heard of the Eel Sisters'

ridiculous-- frankly offensive--

idea of replacing the Eel King with a Queen...

this Eel Festival. Well, not if I've got anything

to do with it, they won't!

I'm all for equality of the sexes, you know,

but not if that means men missing out.

The men of this town have got nothing. Nothing!

And you take away their Eel King, well,

that's the type of thing that can tip 'em over the edge.

And with male suicide rates at an all-time high...

today I'm asking,

"Is feminism literally killing men?"

Listen to this.

Crikey.

He had a rally hard lockdown.

- Oh. - First he lost his sister,

and then he lost his job.

Thank you.

He actually went out to the forest to end it all.

But then he saw some nesting birds in an old oak tree.

And he couldn't bear to do it in front of them.

Ohh.

We were just talking about your uncle.

Every family has a problematic uncle

that they have to tolerate over Christmas.

But Ryan lives with theirs all year round.

Is everything okay?

If you're still around Saturday, you should come

to our Cat Speed Dating Night.

Speed dating for cats?

I set up a charity matching homeless cats up

with the elderly, and we have a date night in the pub.

-Ohh. That's nice. -Yeah, it gets really wild.

We had to pay for security.

Biting, scratching, spraying all over the walls and furniture.

The cats are no trouble, though.

Ryan!

Oh, you should tell those eel sisters you don't like eels,

or they'll keep leaving them on your step for you.

Wha--

Don't worry. You'll get used to the forest grapevine.

Oh, I need to go, as well, actually.

I hope you find your tree.

I'm Joy, by the way.

Jesus.

You'll be telling me the colour of my pants next.

Beige!

Please, Saint Anthony, help me to find my tree.

Ohh!

Ohh!

Ohh. You have got to be kidding me.

Uh, I-I didn't mean find it on the first day, Saint Anthony!

Oh.

God. Geez.

Fucking hell.

It's time, Lin!

Come, come, come, come, come! Come on!

- Wuhh! - Whoa!

Jesus! You scared the shit out of me!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Ooh-whoo! Wait, wait, wait!

I've got pepper spray up here if you try anything!

Is it coarse or ground?

What? You think this is funny?

A lone woman trapped up a tree?

Wh-- I'm sorry.

It was just a little joke to try and put you at ease.

Oh. What you doing anyway?

I was, err-- I was giving the all-clear for the boar.

This is where they come for their breakfast.

- The-- The boar?! - Yeah, the wild pigs.

- T-There's wild pigs?! - Yes.

- Here?! Now?! - Yeah. Yeah.

And they're a little bit confused now.

- Oh. Oh. They're confused? - Yeah, because

I told them it was safe and then I told 'em to wait.

Because of you.

Oh, c-can you ask them to wait a little bit longer?

- Oh, they won't hurt you. - Please!

Okay. Okay. I'll warn 'em off.

Home, home, home! Home, home, home!

Come on, girls and boys! Home, home!

Home, home, home! Come on, boys and girls!

Do you know, you men should be more self-aware

of how threatening you can be to lone women.

You know, you've killed more women than cancer...

...wars, malaria,

and traffic accidents combined!

Well, I try and keep myself busy.

- Oh, my God. - Oh, shit.

- What did I just say? - I'm sorry.

Well, it looks like you know your way around a rope.

Yeah, well, it's been a while, but it all came back.

The porkers wouldn't have harmed you, by the way.

There only young 'uns. They lost their mum.

This is where they come for their morning truffles.

Right. But-- But-- So why--

Some people wanna keep their numbers down.

I don't really agree with that,

so, er, I try to keep an eye on them.

Y-You keep an eye out for the pigs

when they're digging for truffles?

Yeah.

Oh. That's-- That's nice.

I've not seen you around here before, have I?

What were you doing up there?

Oh. I was looking for something, but it's gone.

It was a really long shot.

Oh.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Hm.

Maybe the starlings made a nest of it.

Maybe they did.

Hm!

Why don't I make you a nice cup of coffee?

Perk you up a bit.

- Uh-- Oh. - O-Only if you...

Uh...

- Yeah. Why not? - Oh, good.

Okay. I'll just, erm, text...

Yeah. I'm just round the corner.

Erm, let them know...

- Course, yeah. - ...where I-- where I am.

Here we are.

Oh!

Hm, hm. Lovely.

My veranda.

Ohh. Hmm!

Hmm. Hm. [ Sniffs ] Oh.

Come on in.

It's not Buckingham Palace, but it's home. Come in.

- Ooh! - Yeah.

Ha! It's... a cave.

Yeah. I'll get the coffee on.

Wow.

Oh. I'm Linda, by the way.

Oh, I'm sorry. William.

But my friends call me Pig Man.

- Nice to meet you, William. - Nice to meet you, Linda.

How did you end up living in here, like this?

Well, fate, I guess.

Followed my gut.

Hm.

Were you in the military or the SAS or something?

No. I was a numbers man.

- Hm. - Big job in the city.

But adding up other people's money all day

didn't amount to much for me.

It felt like I was squandering my time.

- Hm. I can relate to that. - What about you?

Numbers woman.

Oh!

Is that your daughter?

Uh, yeah.

Sweet.

What about you? You got any kids?

No. It's very clean in here.

Why wouldn't it be? I'm not an animal.

Which is a silly thing to say, because I am.

I mean, we are animals, aren't we?

- Hm. - Animals. Humans.

Who's making the mess in this world, I wonder?

Sorry. I went off on one then.

No, it's good. Humans are messy.

I've always been very house-proud.

Cave-proud now.

- Okey-dokey. - What the matter?

You never seen a man frothing milk before?

Erm, yes, I have, actually.

Just not in a cave surrounded by pigs.

You should get out more often.

There we go. Whoops. Should be nice and frothy now.

I hate it when there's no froth!

Oh. Damn. I've only got one cup.

Oh. You don't make coffee for every woman

you find trapped up a tree, then?

I do, yeah.

But then I have to kill them afterwards

and bury the cup with them.

- Sorry. - It's okay. It's funny.

Sometimes I burn them.

- Oh, no. That's enough now. - Okay.

Yeah.

Oh. Oh, my God.

Nice and frothy, isn't it?

Hmm! Hmm.

Do you like it?

It's always better when someone else makes it, isn't it?

Carm! Out o' there! You got enough dildos now!

I'll never have enough!

That is the best coffee I've ever had.

Thank you.

Oh. The, er-- the porkers should be

having their siesta now, so it's a good time to make a dash for it.

Oh, right. Yeah.

Come on. I'll show you to the path.

Oh, that'd be great. Yeah. Thanks.

"Plumped up cushions. 46.

Empty dishwasher. 2 minutes, 10.

Talk to neighbour, re: dog shit.

15 minutes, 7 seconds.

Clean up plates. Two minutes, 30.

Sex with Steve. One minute, 20."

No.

Lampshades get dusty?

- Hello, Siobhain. - Abandoning your own children.

You're worse than Magda Gobbles.

It's Goebells, I think.

And I haven't abandoned them. They're with their dad.

And I'm sending them pictures of the moon.

Well, they can't eat pictures of the moon!

People will judge you for this.

No, they won't. They won't know.

What do you mean they won't know?

Well, I'm not telling anyone I'm married with kids.

I don't want to be asked about them all the time.

I don't know what the big deal is, Siobhain.

I'm just having some time to myself.

Trying to find some time capsule in a stupid tree?

Yeah, well, that didn't work out.

I found it already. The capsule wasn't there.

It's not funny, Siobhan.

Oh my God.

It's really not that funny.

Saint Anthony?

Yes. Who else?

So you're coming home now, then.

- Linda? - I don't-- I don't know.

But I shouldn't need a reason to stay.

Dads go away on their own all the time.

Joe Wicks went off on his Triumph,

and no one batted an eyelid.

I've had enough of this whingey women shit!

Just grow up and come home!

And you can fuck off!

Nice to see a bit of old meat. May I?

What's that? Death notices?

See, the problem with these newfangled

gender-neutral toilets, Linda,

like many blokes,

I enjoys a big old fart when I urinates.

But not in front of the ladies. No. Cos I'm a gentleman.

That's how I were brought up, you know.

They don't call me Tony Bond for nothing.

But what someone looks like ain't always what they are.

Some people looks like gentleman but are ladies.

And some people looks like ladies but are gentleman.

Some of 'em are neither.

An some of 'em are both ladies and gentlemen.

- They move about, you know? - Hm.

But if I can't ask someone what they is or what they isn't,

for fear of causing offence,

how do I know who I'm allowed to fart in front of

when I'm at the urinal urinating?

Hm.

It's a... nightmare, Linda.

Maybe just don't fart.

What, don't f-fart while I'm urinating?

Don't fart in front on anyone, regardless of gender.

Yeah, I-I suppose I could do that, yeah.

Never really thought about it before.

- There you go, then. - Yeah.

Hm.

Don't know what I'm doing here, Tony.

Oh. You're here to get laid, Linda, like the rest of us.

I'm really not. Drink? I'll get them.

You might break something on the way. Heh heh.

Yeah. Every woman's heart, eh?

Ah!

♪ Oh, Sally, my dear, it's you I'd be kissing ♪

♪ She smiled and replied ♪

♪ "You don't know what you're missing" ♪

♪ Oh, Sally, my dear, I wish I could wed you ♪

♪ Oh, Sally, my dear, I wish I could bed you ♪

♪ She smiled and replied... ♪