Original subtitles

You are the man, Steve.

If he does that again I'm going in.

It's disgusting. He's like a dog.

Oh, come on, Shell, you loved it when you were little.

Oh, it's hot today, innit, kids? Hot, hot, hot.

Oh, my God,

do you have to swallow so loudly?

I'm sorry, right, I can't stand it.

I'm going in. We'll come back out for cake.

Just ring us. We'll have our headphones on.

Hey, Siobhain! Come here a minute.

What, can't walk now you're 50?

Be dribbly wees next.

Do I swallow loudly? Listen.

Have you taken your medication?

- I'm not on medication. - Exactly.

Oh. Guess what happened at work today.

An alien turned up and said they'd all heard about

- your fascinating work stories. - So, I was on the tills,

and this bloke dropped a bag of peas, and the bag split,

and the peas went everywhere.

Leave it, Lin. Let it go.

Have a day off. It's your birthday.

No, no, no, this won't take long.

So I said, "That's okay, mate.

You leave it. I'll sort that out."

Doesn't look up from his phone,

doesn't acknowledge my existence in any way at all,

but then-- then he looks at this attractive woman behind him

and he goes like this. He goes...

Siobhain, he goes-- he goes...

Then she rolls her eyes as well. She was a right bitch.

I mean, I know you shouldn't say women are bitches,

but some of them just are, aren't they?

Anyway, so then I'm down on my hands and knees

with a dustpan and brush, and he goes,

"Are you going to be much longer, love?

I've got better things to do than watch you sweep up peas."

So I look up, and he's there scratching his balls...

like that.

Sorry, Annie! A man in the shop!

Anyway, I nearly faint,

because you know what I'm like with men's genitals.

Why don't you have a nice drink

and a little break from speaking?

Anyway, then I get back to my chair,

and there's only blood all over it, where I've leaked on it.

So him, he sees it and he recoils in horror.

Thought, I'm not having that after I've swept your peas up.

Right, so I looked at him and I said,

"Oh? Oh, you can see me now, can you?"

And then I looked at her and I goes,

"Yeah, and you'll be invisible soon enough an' all."

Huh.

Whoo, it's nippy when the sun goes in, innit?

I get a creak in my neck.

Crick.

Eh?

Crick. You said "creak."

Yes, I'm going to get a creak in my neck, from the wind.

It's "crick"!

- Are you okay? - Yeah, are you okay?

I am, yes.

It was so great of Steve to organise all of this for you.

You're lucky to have him.

Hmm. Well...

I mean, I invited everyone, got all the shopping, cooked it,

baked my own cake, chose my own present,

wrapped it up, and now I'm clearing up.

But...

But, yeah, yeah.

I have had a really nice time.

- Lin! Lin! Any more sausages?! - Yeah. Yeah.

Do another one. Go on, Steveo.

- Go on. - Go on.

Alright, let's have a bit of hush, please!

I'd like to say a few words now about my dear lady wife.

- Oh, no, no, please. - Shh, Linda, it's your 50th.

-I hate it, though. -The Birthday Queen.

Linda Jane Jenkins...

you...

are well fit...

for your age.

And a great mum.

So three cheers for Linda!

- Hip hip! -Hooray!

Steveo. Oh, go on.

Get it. Go. Go on.

Throw it to him.

Hey! Nice one, Steve.

Come on, babe.

No. Leave that. I'll do it in the morning.

- Mum wants to cut the cake now. - Oh, does she?

Oh, we'll cut it now, then, shall we?

Is everything okay?

Couldn't you think of anything else to say about me?

Eh?

Nothing.

Can you get the cake...

knife thing, please?

- The what? - It's-- It's-- It's got a--

It's flat. It's triangle. You-- You cut a...

- What triangle? What? -...slice of cake with it

and then it catches it underneath.

-What? - The cake knife thing!

What are you talking about?

It's okay. I'll get it. You tidy up outside.

Got it. Here we go.

Ho ho ho ho! Merry Christmas, everybody!

Go limbo.

Go limbo.

Ow! Ow! My back's gone!

- No, seriously, my back's gone. -What?

My back's gone.

Lin! Lin! My back's gone!

Lin! Nurofen!

Get the Nurofen!

Hurry up, Linda! We're losing him!

Is that in case you fall off the chair or...?

Hmm?

Oh, God.

I'm always forgetting to take it off!

- How are you, Linda? - Oh? Yeah. O-Okay

Erm, there's just a couple of niggly little things

- that I wanted to talk to you... - Well, I can only address

one issue per appointment...

I think I might have early onset dementia, and osteoporosis,

ringing in my ears when I'm stressed, erm, anxiety,

depression-- oh, cardio vascular disease, and a...

and a strange mental disorder involving loss of nouns.

Oh, well. That's quite a list.

Erm, and you're... erm, 50 now.

Yeah.

- How are your moods? - Fine! How are yours?!

Any irritability or rage?

Well, nothing unjustified.

Well, this all sounds like the menopause to me, Linda.

The menopause?! Right.

So it was one issue then?

Just need to get on top of your symptoms then you'll be tip top.

I'll print out a fact sheet for you.

Gosh, how did I not know that?

Some women find the shift in hormones liberating.

My wife's taken up extreme climbing.

She hangs off cliffs at weekends now.

Oh, I used to love climbing!

She currently in, er, in the Yorkshire Dales...

-Vaginal dryness? - Sorry?

Any vaginal dryness?

- No! - Loss of libido?

S-Still in the honeymoon period.

Well, let me know when you're not

and I can prescribe testosterone.

No, it's fine, really.

It improves sex drive, but it also...

My God. Can we drop the sex talk please, doctor?

I get it. You can prescribe me something

to keep me wanting sex.

I mean, I didn't actually ask for that, but...

good to know!

Thank you, goodbye!

- And how is Steve? - Not in my 10 minutes doctor!

Not in mine!

Thanks, then. Bye.

He's fine. Thank you.

Hang on. Hang on.

You're leaving me because I didn't match up the Tupperware?

Not just because of that, no. And I'm not leaving you.

I'm just going away on my own for a bit.

- Well, then why then?! - I just told you why.

Yeah, but I didn't hear you! These are twice-baked!

I'm sorry. They're really crunchy.

I'll tell you again why I'm leaving,

but if you interrupt or zone out

I am going to leave you a note instead.

I'm not gonna interrupt. I'm not gonna zone out.

I swear.

I don't know for how long, Mum, she didn't say.

She won't pick up. She said I'll just ask her where things are.

Yeah. She's been saving up.

She said there isn't anyone else.

She's gone to look for some time capsule in a tree.

She says she wants to be more than

just someone's wife or mother for a while.

I'm not being a gullible dick, Mum.

Yeah, well, apparently she's been adding up

all the so-called "invisible work" she's done

over the past 25 years...

...and writing it all down in a ledger.

Every chore. Every second. Every minute. Yeah.

She's taking some of that time back now.

♪ When I first came to town ♪

♪ They call' me the roving jewel ♪

What do you mean you wish you'd done that, Mum?

♪ Now they've changed their tune ♪

- ♪ Call me Katie Cruel ♪ -And this bit's weird.

She said an "Incredible Hulk" plaster gave her a sign

and that the Hulk is the only menopausal role model

in the history of TV and film.

It's not funny, Mum. I can't find the towels.

♪ Through the woods I am goin' ♪

- ♪ Through the boggy mire ♪ -I blame Dr. Spence,

putting ideas into her head.

♪ 'Til I come to my heart's desire ♪

Well, Dave said lots of menopausal women become selfish

when their oestrogen runs out.

Yeah. She's taken the old beast.

No, not Siobhain, Mum. Her Triumph.

No, she doesn't care what people think.

She said I can tell them whatever I want.

Lin's got cancer.

Du bist biker, old bird?

- Sorry? - Bist du biker, old bird?

Oh, I'm so sorry, I don't know what you are saying.

He is asking you if you are a biker!

Oh! Am I biker-- Yes.

Yes I am.

Okay, nice to meet you!

Bye.

There it is, there it is.

-There you go. -Thanks, Carm.

- Man 2: Cheers, Carm. -Alright.

Small, medium, or large?

- Small, medium, or large? - Oh, sorry.

I was miles away there.

I've come for the caravan actually.

N-Not the eels.

Er, I'm sure they're delicious.

It's just I'm a vegetarian, that's all...

a-and I'm not hungry at all.

Vegetarian Townie here's come for fayther's caravan, Agnes!

Oh, aye? How long for?

Oh, erm, 44,000 minutes maybe?

Sorry-- force of habit-- maybe a month?

Just passing through here then?

Listen here, Vegetarian Town Mouse,

see that tree o'er there.

It's been here hundreds o' years,

just like our forefaythers...

- and foremaythers. - I'm sorry, which--

- which one? - I am that tree.

And Carmel here is that one o'er yonder.

An see this earth?

We were born on it,

by those bins over there.

And one day, shall be returned to it.

We're a community here, Town Mouse.

These here people, these here trees...

These here eels. We're as one. Humanity and nature.

Not separate. Like in towns.

We're proud o' these here lands.

So when someone only wants it for a few weeks,

that don't sit right with us do it, Ags?

No no, it do not.

I don't really know what I've done wrong here?

I can't stay longer.

I'm literally just here to find a tree and then--

and then I'll be moving on.

You can stay in the caravan.

But we got one rule-- No pets. No music.

No children. No shittin' in bushes--

You look like the type. Oh, and no loud sex.

That's five rules, I think.

Do you want this fucking caravan

- or not, Town Mouse? -No, Ag.

-Yes please. - No

-Got no pets? - No.

- No friends? - No.

- Nor children? - No.

Cash up front. 400 for the month.

- That's fine. - And it'll need a clear out.

No-one's been inside since Dad died in it.

Wh-- He-- He's-- He's not still in it though?

It's a bit hard to breath in here, isn't it?

Oh! Oh, a bit dusty, it's really set--

settling on my throat.

You might wanna give it a bit of a wipe down.

Aye? You want me to clean it?

Oh, I haven't come all the way out here just

to clean up another man's mess.

And a dead one at that!

Oh,

I'm-- I'm sorry about that.

I just didn't expect to be cleaning as soon as I got here.

No. No.

That's a deal-breaker I'm afraid.

I'm not doing it.

Steve said you've left because you've done some ironing.

Bollocks. Who is he?

Call me back.

Nice to see a bit of fresh meat.

- May I? - No.

I absolutely don't want you to sit down and join me.

Woman with a bit of spunk, what, can read?

- Just my type. - Oh, got a type?

You shouldn't be sitting here on your own.

Pretty lady like you.

- Why not? - S'not right.

Why isn't it right?

Eh?

Why isn't it right for an adult woman to sit by herself,

reading and drinking?

I don't know.

I never really thought about it before.

In case someone...

tries to rape you, I suppose.

What, in here?

Well there's never a right time or place, is there?

Mean could happen anywhere, couldn't It?

Hot air balloon...

Ghost train...

- ...in space? - Space?

Well, where there's a will,

there's a way.

Ah, it's a long way off for you, innit?

What the menopause? No. I'm in it now.

Look, erm...

Oh, Tony. Or Tone to my friends.

Tony.

You seem like a lot of fun.

But I'm 50 now.

I know I don't look it, but I am,

and I've spent most of my adult life

putting other people's feelings and needs before my own.

Even those of complete strangers like you.

Just politely listening along. "Oh, really?"

But I'm not gonna do that for a bit and it feels...

so great.

Time, Tony, is the most precious thing we have

and yet we just squander it.

And your time, Tony, it's not more valuable than mine, is it?

- No? - No, it isn't. No.

So I'm gonna sit here, read my book,

drink my pint, so you can either sit there

and be quiet or go away.

But I'm not buying you a drink

and I'm not chatting about rape in space.

Alright?

Yeah.

No chance of a blow job then?

No.

Not until I finish this chapter anyway!

Ha!

♪ Oh, Sally my dear, it's you I'd be kissing ♪

♪ She smiled and replied ♪

♪ "You don't know what you're missing" ♪

♪ Oh, Sally my dear, I wish I could wed you ♪

♪ Oh, Sally my dear, I wish I could bed you... ♪