Original subtitles

TIM: I need to snap the band.

Remind myself that this is real.

Morning, Mark.

ABBY: It's a man, he's trapped in here.

JESS: If you

want to be with me, then we have to tell Finn.

-You are to become an agent of Satan. -(GASPING)

(SPEAKING LATIN)

I've got the power to fuck

powers out of people.

-EMMA: I cause accidents. -(GASPING)

Your mate said you'd take my power.

-ABBY: Use your power, Alex. -(GASPING)

Be a super hero.

-You're Alex, aren't you? -Mmm-hmm.

SARAH: I need you to take my power.

Is that right? And what power might that be?

I've got hypnotic tits.

Can we just get this over with?

(GASPING)

Was that it? Did it work?

Yeah, yeah. I guess it did.

(CHUCKLES)

Erm, I didn't get your name.

That's because I didn't give it to you.

Well, er, do you want to stay for a drink?

I know you're supposed to have a drink before you shag, but er...

Or, can I just get your number, because then,

I thought would be nice if we could...

If we could see each other again...

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

# The city breathing The people churning

# The conversating The price is what?

# The conversating This place is heaven

# And if you see them They're saying what? #

Everyone.

We've got an announcement to make.

So, tomorrow's the one year anniversary of the storm,

thus it is my birthday.

And mine. I'm gonna be one. (CHUCKLES)

Well, that's just fucking weird.

Well, we're having a party here at the Community Centre

and you're all invited.

-Question. -Yes, there'll be a buffet.

I accept your invitation.

ABBY: So, it's gonna be like a normal

first birthday party, but instead of Pass the Parcel

and little paper hats,

-there'll be vodka and drugs, and people fucking each other. -Ah!

ABBY: Mmm-hmm.

Er, Helen will be there.

I just, I really want you to meet her, man. Please come.

Yeah, all right. I might pop down, have a sausage roll.

You have got sausage rolls, haven't you?

Fuck's sake.

I'll get the sausage rolls.

Okay. God!

Hey.

Oh, yeah.

I, erm, I'm looking for a girl.

I think she might've been at your support group.

Finlay, my child. Please, I insist,

-anything you want. -(COINS JINGLING)

Anything up to the value of sixty whole English pennies, dude.

Now, may I suggest E7,

that is, the Bounty Bar? It truly is a tropical taste sensation.

Why are you being so nice to me?

No rea... Dude, what the fu... (STAMMERS)

When did you get so cynical?

Whatever happened to me, bright-eyed little sun-beam,

with his little hat full of hope there?

The reason is I'm going, I'm going out with Jess.

I've said it.

I'm sorry, man.

-You think that's funny? -Dude, I'm not joking, Finn.

We are. We're boyfriend and girlfriend, Finn.

We fuck and stuff, and spoon. We're shagging, spoon... We're fuck-spoons.

Did you really think I was gonna fall for that?

For fuck's sake.

-Jess likes pretty boys. -Hmm.

Like me and Alex.

Just... You're not her type, mate, trust me.

Unbelievable. Unbe-friggin-fuck you, dude!

-(THUD) -Snack revoked.

You're gonna have to buy your own Bounty Bar, dickhead. (SCOFFS)

-I will. -Good.

(CHUCKLES)

(DOOR OPENS)

(KEYS JINGLE)

What are you doing here?

-You forgot to say thank you. -For what?

For, erm, helping you out.

The way I see it, we both got what we wanted.

-I got rid of my power and you got an easy fuck. -(CLICKS TONGUE)

Right. Okay, so that's...

That's what you think I'm about?

I just go around just

shagging anything that moves for the fun of it.

-I don't know what you're about. -(CHUCKLES)

Look, I... I have had sex with men.

Girls that were...

Oh, well, she was battered, covered in blood, and...

Look, all I'm trying to do is just help people.

Wow. You're all heart.

So you are just going to use me and walk away then?

-(SIGHS) -There's a party

at the Community Centre, tomorrow night.

Give me a chance.

I appreciate what you did for me, all right? Thank you.

If that's what you need to hear.

But I don't owe you anything.

Just leave me alone.

(CONVERSING INDISTINCTLY)

You are still coming, aren't you, to the party?

I told you, mate. I'll be there.

Yeah, I know, but it's just, it's a bit of a big deal.

It's the first time you're all going to be in the same place at the same time.

You know, the, er...

The, er...

"The Jumper Posse."

Mate, that has got to be the worst fucking name

for a gang of superheroes I've ever heard.

We'll just... We'll work on it.

(DOOR OPENS)

GREG: Wait.

(SIGHS)

(EXHALES)

(TUTTING)

Addiction is a weakness.

And a weakness

must be stamped upon.

Oh, no, it's... It's not all for me. It's my birthday.

-Oh? -We're having a party.

(LAUGHING) You're having a party?

-Yeah. -In my Community Centre?

Am I invited?

No.

No, you're right.

I mean, why would you want some miserable old cunt hanging around,

spoiling all your fun?

I mean, it's not as if we're friends.

We're not fucking friends.

(SIGHS) Probation Worker? Are you saying you'd like to come to our party?

Would you like me to come to your party?

Yeah.

-What time's it start? -About 9:00.

I'll see you about 9:00 then.

-DARK RUDY: You all right? -Here he is.

I wanted to talk to you just before everyone else gets here, that's all.

Yeah, before you start waffling on...

-I got you a present. -Have you?

-What is it? -Have a look.

(CHUCKLES)

Eh?

-It's a pill. -Yeah.

Well, shit, man. Apparently me dealer doesn't do book tokens, so...

-Ta-da. -You know I don't do drugs.

Oh, yeah, shit.

There's no point in wasting that then, is there?

-Did you even get me a card? Did you get me anything? -No.

I didn't get you a birthday card,

because today isn't actually your real birthday, is it?

January the 7th, that is our birthday.

No, that's your birthday, isn't it?

Today. Today is my birthday.

There's...

I've been thinking about this a lot, and...

I think we need to split up.

Now we're spending more and more time apart.

You know, since I met Helen,

I feel more confident in myself, you know. I know what I want to be.

You know, I just... I hope we can still be friends

I just...

I do, and I need to stand on my own two feet now.

I need to...

I need to be me own person.

Check you.

Of course, of course, you do. Yeah.

-You'll be fine, won't you? You'll be all right. -Yeah.

You'll be fine, you'll be fine, you'll be fine.

Happy birthday.

Eh?

Yeah.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Is this it?

Maybe?

-At least you lot are here. -(SIGHS)

And Mark.

ALEX: Ah, well, it's all about Mark, isn't it?

'Cause he can really make or break a party, can't he? Mark?

Fucking hell... Oh, my God!

What the fuck is he doing here, dude?

Oh, yeah, I invited the probation worker.

FINN: What? Why? Great!

Just when you think the party can't get any shitter.

Fuck it, I'm just gonna get this shit out of the way.

I got you all a present, actually,

because it's been one year since the storm.

Here are, dude. Here are, love. Finlay.

Abs.

It's a pill.

And no, I didn't get a fucking gift receipt,

so happy anniversary, you dickheads.

What is wrong with you, Little Miss Sunshine?

(EXHALES) Nothing. Actually, I'm having a great time.

I'm gonna go and get a drink for every... Do you want a drink?

I'll get you a drink.

-You came? -Er, yeah,

I was coming anyway.

I'm here with my friends from the support group.

Yeah. Right.

Yeah, obviously.

Erm... Well, er...

So have a good night.

ABBY: Hiya.

Hi, I'm Abby, the birthday girl.

DARK RUDY: All right.

-All right. -Hiya.

This is, erm, Helen. (CHUCKLES)

So, you're Rudy One.

Rudy. It's just Rudy.

It should be a good night. Eh?

I doubt it, dude.

We don't usually throw parties.

Long story short, we shat ourselves on a bouncy castle.

It got a bit messy, do you remember?

Mum and dad lost the deposit.

I'm sure he'll tell you all about it, won't you, mate?

(LOW) It wasn't that bad.

I forgot to say happy birthday.

Did you?

-Oh, come on. -(KISSES)

(CHUCKLES)

I'm, er...

I'm just going to go and see if any of the others are here, all right?

-Mmm-hmm. -Yeah?

Oi.

You know, this is your fucking fault, this is, eh.

You're just filling his head with all these big ideas.

He's going off being his own person, doing his own fucking thing.

Do you know what you're doing?

You're trying to split up the band.

Me and him are the fucking Beatles, mate,

and you're just that yodelling Chinese woman.

-Yoko Ono? -Yeah.

-She's Japanese. -Is she?

Yeah, well, when it all goes friggin' tits up, it'll be me

that he comes running back to, won't it, with his tiny little penis between his legs.

Look, we're together,

and if you can't deal with that, then I guess you'll just have to go fuck yourself.

-Oh, you fucking... -DARK RUDY: I can't find...

Here he is.

I can't... I can't find 'em.

-I'll help you find them. See you later, Rudy One. -See you in a bit.

Fuck's sake.

He's, he's, he's leaving me.

And I mean for good this time. He wants to be with Helen.

It's like leaving home, innit? It was always going to happen one day.

Do you know what is a really good cure for a bad mood?

No.

Magic beans.

Ooh, see? I feel better already.

(SNIFFLES) Mmm.

No, maybe I'll have it laters.

No. (INHALES)

Look...

I do get it.

You're scared because he's going and you don't want to be on your own, do you?

(MUFFLED) No.

You're not going to be on your own.

Do you know why?

-Because I got you? -Yes.

It's because you've got me, you miserable prick.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, shit! That's not how it looks, Finn,

'cause... (STUTTERS)

It is, actually. It's exactly how it looked, and I'm sorry, dude,

'cause I've been trying to... Finn! Finn!

Sorry, mate.

No worries, mate.

HELEN: I don't think they're coming.

-They said they'd be here. -Well, if they can't

even be bothered to show up on time, they can both fuck off!

(SCOFFS) Nice.

Who are you?

I'm the one you just told to fuck off.

-Who are you? -This, this is Helen.

She's the one I was telling you about.

Congratulations, mate. She's a charmer.

Oh, just... We're just waiting on Karen now.

She'll be here in a minute, running a bit late.

I'm here.

Oh, my God, have you been spying on us?

No, I just... I got here early.

I didn't want people to see me hanging around on my own.

What did she say?

I wasn't spying on you.

I can't understand what she's saying.

She said she wasn't spying on you.

DARK RUDY: Er, Karen,

do you want to tell them about your power?

I can blend in to my surroundings.

Hide in plain sight.

We're going to have to sort out some subtitles or something

-because I can't hear a word of it. -Let's...

Come on, let's go and have a... Let's go and have a drink, guys?

Do you want a drink? Come on, Karen.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

You fucking lied to me!

Dude, I didn't, man. Technically, that's inaccurate,

because I fucking... I fucking offered to buy you a Bounty bar for, God's sake.

I was telling you the truth. You just... You didn't believe me, Finn.

And do you know why?

Because I didn't think you'd do that to me.

Come on, man, don't be like that. Come to Uncle Rudy for a bit.

Don't think that you can just laugh it off!

Fuck me over and then make a joke out of it!

You know what,

I know you probably won't give a shit

because you've got Jess now,

but as far as friendship goes,

you and me,

we're finished.

Enjoy the fucking the party!

Finn?

Fuck!

-(THUD) -For fuck's sake!

(SIGHS)

Relax, I am not following you.

I just came to get some air.

Is that all right?

Be my guest.

Sorry, about the other day.

It's just, this year has been a fucking nightmare.

The power thing.

I had to stop seeing my dad.

He just couldn't stop staring at them.

Oh, shit, mate.

I didn't even think about that.

Nobody needs their dad staring at their tits, do they?

No.

Do you want to go and get a drink?

What kind of a drink?

Like a date-drink or a drink-drink?

Well, I was just thinking, a drink with alcohol in.

All right.

-But it isn't a date. -Right, fine. It's not a date.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Rudy One or Rudy Two?

It's Rudy! It's just Rudy!

I'm Ghostbusters, he's Ghostbusters 2.

And everybody knows Ghostbusters 2 was a right piece of shit.

I quite liked it.

You fucking would, wouldn't you?

You know ecstasy reverses your power?

Whatever your power is, it makes it do the opposite.

(BLOWS)

That's a good fact.

All right, "Stay off the pills, stick to the friggin' heroin then."

Oh, fuck, Jess!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Abby! Abby! Have you seen Jess?

-No. -Fuck!

Have you taken your pill?

No, I was gonna have it with a bit of cake later.

Look, do not take the friggin pill,

it will reverse all your powers.

Cake? Fuckin' cake?

(GASPING)

What the fuck?

I can't see.

I can't fucking see...

Rudy?

Some... Someone!

My mate, he got turned into an agent of Satan

and I had to fuck him in the arse.

(CHUCKLES) Oh! Nice.

Yeah.

Oh, and I almost, almost shagged a tortoise once.

So, you do draw the line at shagging animals?

Good to know.

Er, so, are you...

Are you seeing anyone, at the moment?

Or?

Well, when I had my power,

it was kind of hard to tell the good guys from the wankers.

And there have been a lot of wankers.

Yeah.

Problem?

(CHUCKLES) Oh, God.

Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Er, it's just, now that I know I'm not supposed to look at them,

all I want to do is look at them.

You know, when you see a dead cat in the road

and you don't want to look at it, but then the more you try to stop yourself,

the more that you just can't help it.

Okay. Well, erm, how about I give you one free look then,

seeing as you took my power?

That would... That would be great.

-Happy now? -Awesome.

-So, shall I compliment them? -Let's leave the tits, shall we?

-Same again. -Mmm-hmm.

(SIGHS)

-(WHIMPERING) -RUDY: Jess? Jess!

Shit!

Jess, you all right? I'm right here.

-I'm here, I'm here. -(GASPING)

-Fucking hell. -My God, what's happening? I can't see.

It's the fucking pill's reversed your power.

Hang on. Oh, Christ.

Am I fucking blind?

No, no, no, you're not. You're not blind.

You just gotta wait for it to wear off. Just sit tight and wait for it to wear off.

Please don't leave me!

I'm not going to leave you.

Next time I see someone collecting for blind people,

I'm giving them a fiver because being blind is fucking boring.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, God.

(SHUSHING)

You.

I've got something for you.

I knitted you a jumper.

Brilliant. Absolutely... That's fantastic!

Because that's the one thing this party's missing,

is a bespoke piece of chunky knitwear.

What a relief.

You two have a nice night.

JESS: What is it?

Don't listen to that fucking woman. Give it here.

It's a bloody future jumper.

What's on it?

-My goodness, honest to God... -What?

You'll never believe this.

-I fucking... -What?

We are... We are get... We are having a...

We're having... We're getting a hamster! We're getting a hamster!

-A hamster? -Yeah.

We're getting a fucking... He's an absolute belter.

I can see him right now, how cute, wonderful.

-I hate hamsters. -Well, it's on the jumper.

It's on the fucking jumper, so it's definitely going to happen now,

-ain't it, for fuck's sake? -What's wrong with you?

Nothing, Jess. Honestly, I am absa made up!

I'm bloody made up.

I'm just going to go and get a drink. Do you want a drink?

I'm gonna get a drink. Just wait there, I'll be back...

Don't you leave me!

Rudy?

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

FINN: What are you doing?

Waiting for Mark to come up on his pill.

You gave ecstasy to a turtle?

I gave ecstasy to a tortoise. Yeah.

You know, this really is the worst party ever.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

So, why don't you wanna dance?

It's not really my thing.

-Really? -I'm not much of a mover or a shaker.

Hey, I was looking for you.

I, I just wanted to let you know, things are much better now.

Mate, that is so great.

Seriously, man.

I'll see you later.

Do you know what?

Everything used to be so simple.

Like, you just meet someone and you like them,

and then you'd go on a date with each other.

And then the storm happens, and everything gets fucked.

Not that this is a date.

Come on.

Where are we going?

We're having a dance.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

How's your night?

Yeah, pretty, pretty shit.

I just found out that my best mate's been having sex with,

probably the only girl I've ever really loved.

Women don't know what they do to us.

And then they ride off into the sunset with someone

slightly less handsome than ourselves.

I mean, Alex, yeah, he's a handsome barman.

But Rudy?

I had a girlfriend once.

Roxy.

My best mate Conti stole her from me.

DARK RUDY: See, flying,

electricity, and that is camouflage.

You are superheroes, guys, you are!

Great.

"The Jumper Posse."

That is such a shit name for a gang of superheroes.

-At least we agree on something. -Who's the guy on the roof?

DARK RUDY: Oh, I think that's me. (CHUCKLES)

What is your power?

Because we all bring something to the table.

So far, you, you've just got a shit taste in jumpers.

Don't take the piss out of him.

I think I'm your mentor.

Actually, you know, like the, erm...

Like the talking rat on The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles...

Er, Splint, Splinter!

What would we do if we were a gang of superheroes?

We'd fight crime, wouldn't ya?

Like muggers and rapists, and things like that.

It sounds quite dangerous.

DARK RUDY: Oh. SAM: She's right.

Forget the rapists, we could focus on people who drop chewing gum.

Do you know what? This is bullshit!

I don't need to be in any fucking gang. I can take care of myself.

Helen, don't...

Oh.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Jess?

Can you help me?

I've taken a pill and now I'm blind, and I need a piss.

Where's your boyfriend?

I don't know.

He just fucked off and left me.

Trouble in paradise?

I didn't mean for you to find out like that. I am sorry.

Just help me.

Is this one of those future jumpers?

You're having a baby?

What baby?

Great, so first you're going out with him and now you're starting a family.

Seriously, whose fucking idea was this party any...

Where are you going?

To find Rudy.

I'm going to fucking kill him!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, we have got a fucking major problem.

This jumper thing. Jess, she's having a baby.

-We're going to be a dad... -Not right now,

I'm looking for Helen.

No, you fuck Helen, man. I need you, bro.

You just can't stand it, can you, because I'm happy?

(GROANING)

(CHUCKLES)

It's just a jumper.

Forget about it.

It wasn't just a jumper, to me, though.

It was my...

My thing and my friends, and my gang.

Just for once.

Honestly, for once, I just wanted to be a part of something

that wasn't all about him.

I'm not with you because it says so on some fucking jumper.

I'm with you because I like you.

So?

You ready for your birthday present?

Yeah.

I am going to fuck you until you beg me to stop.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

I never could trust you, Roxy.

What the fuck are you doing? Get out!

-Tim... -You think you can just ride away into the sunset?

Tim?

You broke my heart, Roxy.

Tim? It's me. It's Rudy Two.

I know who you are.

You're Conti.

-You stole my woman. -No, I didn't.

Tim, this isn't real.

It's the game world. You just snap your band.

Tim, where's your band, mate?

You can't not have your band with you! You...

-No, no, no, no! Tim... -(COCKS GUN)

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't shoot you both down.

Please, don't...

(PIERCING SOUND)

(SHUDDERING)

(RUDY GROANING)

(GROANING)

DARK RUDY: What...

Is he dead?

He's dead.

What?

I've thought about you lots. I can't believe you're really here.

It feels strange.

It feels great.

What about when the pill wears off?

We'll sort something out.

I, I get so lonely when you're out on the estate

and I'm just in my shell, waiting for you.

We'll buy a big bag of pills.

I'll get Alex to shag you.

I won't let you go back in there.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Is there somewhere we can go?

(GIGGLING)

(GASPING)

(GRUNTING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

What the fuck was that?

I thought I'd already taken your power.

Have, have you got two powers?

I feel a bit... I feel a bit weird.

Can you get me a glass of water?

Yeah. Yeah. Sure, yeah.

Just wait here a minute.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

They've run out of spring rolls.

In case you're wondering.

I wasn't wondering, actually.

Ooh, fucking hell, don't take your pill neither, dude.

Dude, it reverses your power. Don't take it.

What do you mean it reverses them? Reverses them like what?

And I shagged all my powers into her.

What do you mean all your powers'?

I mean, all of them.

I mean, the power to cause accidents.

Turning things inside out, the hypnotic tits, the devil thing.

RUDY: Guys! Guys!

Have you seen Jess? I can't find her.

Well, maybe you shouldn't have left her.

Mate! Not now, Finlay.

For fuck's sake, man, we're gonna have to split up.

Come on.

Rudy?

(SPEAKING LATIN)

SARAH: Hello, Alex.

Whatever you do, do not look at her tits!

Guys?

You're kidding me, aren't ya? For fucks sake!

Look at you.

Men, you're all so pathetic.

And now... (SMACKS LIPS)

-You're mine. -Ah.

I'm going to make every guy on the estate kneel before me.

(SPEAKING LATIN)

-JESS: Help me, please. -(SIGHS)

Please help me.

(SOFTLY) Jess?

Alex?

Jess, it's me.

(GRUNTING)

RUDY: Go! Go and get him!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

So this is what you're doing while I'm in your locker eating lettuce?

(CHUCKLES) More or less.

No, let's check the...

Don't listen to her Latin, don't look at her tits.

Your devil tits don't work on me. I'm a girl.

Guess I'm just gonna have to turn your boyfriend inside out then.

-(BONES CRUNCHING) -(GROANING)

(SCREAMING)

Now, I've got your full attention.

(SPEAKS LATIN)

(DOOR CLOSING)

ALEX: So this has been a pretty weird date.

Not that it's a date.

(DOOR OPENING)

SARAH: Leave him. He's mine.

What's the matter, Alex?

Don't you trust yourself?

What's going to happen if you

have a little look?

It's a just pair of tits.

(INHALES)

And you're one of the good guys, remember?

You're not some weak, pathetic animal

who's ruled by his urges.

There was a girl I used to know.

Emma.

She was like you.

She was a good person who just got the wrong power.

She was accident-prone.

It wasn't her fault. It's just...

Bad things used to happen to her.

I'm so sorry, Sarah.

You didn't deserve any of this.

Oh. I get it.

I'm supposed to slip on the banana skin.

Any other bright ideas?

(GASPING)

(CHAIN CLANKING)

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Where the fuck have you been?

So, is that what's gonna happen if we do have a baby?

You're just going to disappear and leave me to fend for myself?

Fucking hell, I don't know.

-You don't know? -No!

(CHUCKLES) That's great. That is very reassuring.

Honestly, if you want someone who's

going to be a good dad and look after this fucking baby,

then you've got the wrong Rudy.

Because I'm the shit one, or don't you remember that?

What are you saying?

I'm saying it's too fucking much, man.

I can't... I just can't handle it.

I'm sorry.

Fuck you!

You fucking coward!

What the fuck have we done?

Look, look, Tim was out of control.

And we have done the right thing.

It's the jumper,

and it's started, and still, none of you believe me.

But this is... This is our destiny.

Come on.

Why not?

We're getting a better name.

(CHUCKLES) We're going to be unstoppable.

DARK RUDY: It's your super hero layer.

They're your costumes.

It's your secret identity.

Let's do some good.

Are you gonna pick that up?

(MAN SCREAMING)

Today is the last day of your community service.

GREG: This is as good as it gets for you.

Oh, my God! That is... That's a man flying!

(GRUNTING)

I loved you!

I'm sorry.

I, I've made a terrible error of judgement.

They tried to kill me!

RUDY: Well, they chose the wrong day to do that, Finlay.

They're coming.

I suppose you better kill them.