Original subtitles

[??]

[Phone Vibrating]

- Oh, that ain't nothing but a bill collector.

- Blowing up your phone like that.

- That's Aunt Lucille, she keep calling me, pressing me

to read this book she wrote and I am so not interested!

- Ha! Now, that woman right there?

Let me tell you, she got all the tea!

I'd put money on it that she can tell us

who killed Tupac andBiggie!

[She Laughs]

Oh, but is this the copy?

- Yes, girl, you can read it. - Okay, mm-hmm.

Huh, ooh!

Ooh, friend.

Please tell you got some girly products in your bathroom, I done ran out.

- Oh, I do.

Wait, but no, now that you said something,

I realized my Aunt Flow ain't been flowing!

- Hmm? - Wait a minute...

- That's odd because since you moved in, we've been in-sync sisters.

[chuckles] Wouldn't that be crazy

if you caught a case of the preggos?

A modern-day immaculate conception story.

[Laughing Loudly]

That would be funny as hell!

I know you lying.

Wait a minute, hold on.

You've been getting it in and you didn't tell your best friend?!

- Girl, I was going to, I was just too embarrassed

to tell you that I was spinning the block in a used car!

- You've been driving a used car with no insurance?

We too old to be riding dirty!

- I know! - Okay, well, I guess

Aunt Lucille ain't the only one with a story to tell.

Well, come on.

Spill the tea, and you better not waste a drop.

[??]

You remember that date I had with Daniel a few months back?

- Yeah. - Okay, so it turns out

we went to the same spot as my ex.

Long story short, my ex pulled a flex, paid for our dinner,

and next thing I know, well...

..I was the dessert?

- Ex, as in the "wusbund", DeWayne?

- Girl, he was looking so Denzel Washington

in "Mo' Better Blues"!

And let's just say the next thing I knew,

we wasn't doing the right thing!

- Talk about she's gotta have it!

How do you not tell your best friend

that y'all getting back together?

- It's just, you know, we reconnected at Aunt Lucille's last year,

we had a few text messages that were flirty,

some Instagram likes, and that was it!

Well, until recently.

- Okay, so what happened after the one-night stand?

- A parting gift?

[Mia Gasps]

- This ain't like that pet you had, Tyrone the Turtle!

- Hold up, you leave Tyrone the Turtle out of this!

Okay, how was I supposed to know he couldn't eat pizza?

Ninja Turtles ate pizza all the time!

[Mia Sighs]

And what are you insinuating?

That I wouldn't be a good mother on my own?

- You know, think about it. You're 40, okay?

Uh, you know, you're always hormonal,

and you're single.

- Wow. - Maybe your insides just going on a little strike right now.

You know, maybe you got that little peri-pause thing happening.

- Wow, okay, watch your mouth

because Jay-Z said that 40 is the new 20.

- And it ain't. - And it is!

And I am way too young to be perimenopausal.

- And you ain't! - And I is!

- First of all, how can you bring a baby up in here? - Second of all...

[Overlapping Arguing]

- Are you kidding me? - Wait a minute!

Okay, and alright! It doesn't even matter

because I'm gonna call my real doctor, Dr. Gilson,

and then we'll see what happens.

- [mockingly] "And then we'll see what happens."

- Yeah, but until then,

thisstays between us two.

- Or us one-two-three!

Hmm!

[??]

- Welcome, everyone, to our very first book club meeting

for "Love, Lineage and Lies".

- Yes, yes.

- Now, I know you've all read my manuscript,

and I'm really looking forward to getting everybody's feedback.

- I definitely have something to say.

- Oh, well, good!

I'm gonna go grab some refreshments,

and you just talk amongst yourselves.

- Oh, well wait a minute, sis.

Bring back one of your famous charcuterie board, okay?

And with the pork rinds, and oh,

and the fatbacks attached! - I got you, Jackie!

- Okay! - Hey, everybody!

Welcome!

- Hi sweetheart, how are you?

- Yeah.

Glad to see everybody's making themselves at home

in my home!

- Alfonso, it's so much more cozy here!

- But, you know, you could turn the heat up a little bit.

This is Chicago!

- Oh, there is plenty of heat in this manuscript.

- [sing-songy] Trust me!

- Especially the part where Arnold has to sleep in the doghouse,

although I don't really know what that means!

- Okay, sweet baby, you don't need to know what the doghouse is!

What you need to go do is play with your dollhouse.

- Aw, man, I never get to have any fun!

- Aw, baby, listen to Daddy.

- Go on, now.

- So, did you all finish Aunt Lucille's manuscript yet?

- I could not put it down!

- Oh, good, let's hear it!

And don't all speak at once now!

- In the first chapter,

what's up with Arnold Wilkins,

uh, crunching numbers down at the bank?

- Ah, I see you're loving this book, too.

Now, I'm surprised about that.

- Kim reads it out loud

especially when I'm trying to sleep.

- He's right, it is a page-turner, Auntie!

But, um,

what's up with Arnold's pretentious wife, Connie?

- Well, what about her?

I think all of the fictional characters are well-rounded.

- I actually found Arnold to be rather narcissistic

and very cheap.

- You're confusing cheap with frugal--

- Why?!

'Cause he doesn't turn the heat on in the winter?

You gotta layer up, you understand?

Put them designer thermals... [He Slurps]

Put 'em to use! - Oh, well speaking of heat,

I love the part where he got caught up in that fiery affair

with that side chick!

- Oh, whoa-whoa-whoa, hold on.

See, that part was unbelievable because if that was me,

I would have thrown a pot of hot polenta on his ass!

- [Alfonso] She sure would've!

- Polenta instead of grits?!

- Come on, that's unrealistic!

- [Jackie] Exactly.

And everybody knows Connie can't cook!

- Ooh! - [Kimberly] Now, hold on!

We don't know, we don't know her backstory.

- Oh, yes, we do!

Connie can't cook!

[They Laugh]

But wait-wait-wait-wait-wait!

Tell me this.

What do y'all think about the neighbors?

- Oh, you, are you talking about them two bitchy ones

that let they dog doo-doo all over everybody's lawn?

- What's wrong with that?!

It's organic fertilizer!

- I say it's unsanitary!

- I'm with you, Mildred!

- There you go. - Oh, I just love

all of this feedback on my book.

But I feel like you could just dig a little deeper.

What are your realthoughts

about who these people reallyare?

[All Speaking]

- Ooh, bestie, you wanna go get some food with me

down at that new Japanese restaurant?

- I can't, you know, 'cause I might be...

- With child, that's right!

Ah, 'cause sushi's gonna make you nauseous, huh?

- Well, I don't know if I am or not yet.

I'm literally waiting for Dr. Gilson's Zoom call

right now as we speak.

- Okay, well, I'll leave you to it.

Oh, but before I go, girl, have you read your auntie's new book?!

- No, what is it giving?

- She got this hard-headed niece in there

that can't keep her man. - Really?

- Girl, she in desperate need of therapy, it's good!

You gotta ready that thing-- [Ringing Sound]

- Oh, oh! That's Dr. Gilson.

I'll talk to you later?

- Alright. - Okay!

[Laptop Ringing]

Uh, can I get some privacy, please?

- Oh, I can't...?

Bet! - Mm-hmm, yeah.

- Just gonna go on to the house and start

baby-proofing everything,

"Preagen Good"!

[Door Slams]

- Hi, Dr. Gilson!

Yes, thank you so much for getting back to me.

- Good afternoon, Aaliyah, how are you?

- Nervous about these results!

- Okay, well, I won't keep you in suspense.

Now, I'm not sure if this is good or bad news, but

you are not pregnant.

- Okay.

- However, there is a reason for your missed cycle.

Are you familiar with endometriosis?

- Um, well,

isn't that some type of fertility condition?

- Somewhat in that it can lead to infertility.

Endometriosis symptoms are sometimes mistaken for pregnancy

due to missing your cycle or having hormonal mood swings

when, in fact, this condition can make the journey

to motherhood extremely difficult

and, at times, impossible.

Unfortunately, women of color are the most affected

by this condition, but the least aware of it.

- Wow, I, uh...

I don't even know what to say.

Um...

Is there a cure?

- I'm sorry.

It's a death sentence.

- Wait, what?!

- I'm kidding! I'm totally kidding.

Okay, I'm not a therapist, but I do stand-up in my spare time.

- Okay.

Okay, Dr. Gilson, please. This is not what my HMO pays you for.

- Um, I'm sorry, Aaliyah.

I'm still trying to balance being an M.D. and a stand-up.

That's my bad.

- Whoo! - There is no cure, unfortunately,

but if you are looking to maybe have children,

there are options available to you.

Aaliyah, listen to me.

Endometriosis does not define

what you are capable of as a woman.

I'm gonna email you some pamphlets

with some options that help with what your condition is

and your prognosis so far.

Would you like--

- What about, you know, deep-freezing my eggs?

Um, I've, you know, heard about women who've done that.

- We would have to test your eggs

to make sure they are viable enough to survive the removal

and the storage process.

- Wow, this is, um,

this is a lot to process. You know, I...

I just...

Oh, God! I can't stop crying right now!

- Well, listen, you know if you need a laugh,

I'll be at the Chuckle Bucket for Caramel Sundays

this weekend if you're free!

- I'll pass.

- Understandable.

- But thanks again, Dr. Gilson.

Oh...

Definitely gonna need a new doctor.

[??]

[??]

[She Coughs]

- Friend!

Now, I thought we said

you weren't allowed in the kitchen when I'm not home!

God!

Stop what you're doing and step away from the stove!

- Okay!

Look, I just needed a distraction, okay?

I had a crazy day today!

- Well, assuming by the looks of things,

Dr. Gilson must have told you to start preparing

for a new family!

- Well, not in so many words, but yes.

Dr. Gilson actually advised that I should probably review

alternative paths into motherhood

because I have endometriosis.

- Okay, that's serious. Alright, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. - Yes...

- You know, I just, I ain't never heard of endometri--

smell-my-toeses, I ain't never heard of that.

'Cause you know I ain't never been pregnant,

I mean, which is surprising 'cause in my prime, baby?

I wasn't the kind of girl that came in when the street lights came on, baby!

I was breaking necks and breaking backs.

Breaking necks and breaking backs!

I was out in the street-- - Okay!

Bring it on back, friend. Bring it on back

because there's a serious health crisis here.

It's me. - Okay, oh.

You right, let's focus on the positive.

- Yeah, yeah. - That you definitely averted

a huge crisis.

The combination between you and DeWayne's head-to-neck ratio, baby!

[giggles] Delivery day would've been hell on you, hoo!

- Just 'cause I'm not pregnant doesn't mean that I still don't want to be a mother.

- Yes, I know.

- And so Dr. Gilson advised also for me to look into surrogacy.

- Hmm. - Yeah.

- Um, yeah. Well, friend, you know I love you, right?

- Yeah. - Uh...

But I got hypertension, okay?

And I'm knock-kneed in both knees and I sway back when the wind blows,

and that's a terrible trifecta for surrogacy! I'm just--

- Calm down, trifecta!

'Cause I wasn't talking about you, okay? See, no.

Dr. Gilson said that my surrogate should already have a child.

- Hoo! - Right, so,

I was going to ask my sister-in-law, Kim.

[??]

[Overlapping Chatter]

- [Kimberly] Hey, hey, hey!

Everybody, calm down!

- I don't even know why y'all all in an uproar.

Lucille clearly said that the book is fictional,

and I ain't even in it. - You sure ain't!

- Maybe she's right, maybe we're acting childish.

- What's childish is that the character, Steve,

is secretly the neighborhood's Benita Butrell,

gossiping about everyone else's shortcomings except his own!

- We talked about this, we talked about this...

- Now, calm down!

Calm down, but not too much

because this is just the kind of healthy dialogue I was hoping for.

If you all are this moved,

can you imagine? The world is gonna eat this up!

[laughs] I'm gonna be rich!

- Well, since you're gonna have all that money,

what you gon' buy me?

- I want a Cadillac with the phantom top

and the suicide doors!

- Is that a real thing?

- Yeah, it's hood. It's hood.

[Mouthing]

- Auntie! We need to talk to you about your book.

- Oh, look at that, my book is multi-generational!

[She Laughs]

Bestseller!

- You mean best sellout?

Really, Auntie?

Your great-nephew with the psychedelic hair and misguided fashion sense?!

You bought me this!

- Well, hit dogs holla!

And what makes you think it's about you anyway?

See, that's the problem with your generation.

You're too self-centered!

You know, they think everything is about them!

- Everything!

- Then, how do you explain this?

The little girl, Janet, who's no longer in her cute stage?

Maybe one day, she'll grow into her nose!

- Oh, that's cold. - Really, Auntie?!

- Jordan, you can barely read!

- I downloaded the audiobook!

- And I don't need no audiobook to know

that Arnold and Connie is me and Kim.

- Kim and me.

- Oh, well that is very vain of you, nephew.

This book was a concept in my head

that's been swirling around for years,

I don't know why all of your panties are in a bunch!

[All Arguing]

- Hey, everybody.

[All] What?!

- Ooh, what did I just walk in on?

- You must not have read the part about the hard-headed, rhythmless niece

who's considering a career in exotic dancing

because she has no life skills!

- Yeah, I can't relate.

Um, but I was hoping to have a conversation with my sister-in-law.

Kim, can we talk in private?

- Absolutely.

I need a break from this

before somebody ends up getting hurt.

- Wait, baby, you didn't want to ask her about Connie not having no accomplishments

other than bearing two, uh, big-headed children?

- Now, listen.

I'd like to get a little feedback

on that extremely attractive character, Aunt Lynnette.

[Alfonso Groans]

Now, it's obvious she's brilliant,

but just surrounded by a bunch of imbeciles--

- Oh, hell no! [Arguing Resumes]

- Oh, yeah!

- They've been arguing about this book all day!

- Okay, I am not getting involved in that.

- Girl!

- Um...

I do need to ask you a favor.

- Oh, okay. Well, how much do you need to borrow this time?

- No, it's not about money.

This time.

Um, I need to borrow... your body.

- My what?!

- I, um...

I thought I was pregnant--

- Oh, hold on, girl.

Who got you to go outside with no sunscreen on?

Don't tell me it was--

- Okay, yes, yes. Yes, it was DeWayne, okay?

- Aaliyah! - I know, but don't worry.

We are not getting back together.

I just, uh, went to the doctor and found out

that I am fertility-challenged.

- Oh! - With a severe case of endometriosis.

- Oh, I am so sorry.

But look at Janet Jackson, she got pregnant at 50!

- Girl, my eggs could be scrambled by then!

- Well, to be honest, when I was 20,

I was diagnosed with the same thing.

- Wait, what?

- Yeah. - I had no idea.

How did you handle it?

- It was tough, but I had your brother to lean on,

and a really good doctor that helped me through.

And as you can see, I've been blessed with two amazing kids.

So, girl, it's gonna happen for you, okay?

- Thanks. From your mouth to God's ears.

- Mm-hmm!

- Which brings me to my actual favor.

Seeing as though you have been blessed, you know, with your own children.

I was hoping you could bless me...

..by being my surrogate.

[??]

[??]

-[Kimberly] Oh!

When you said borrow my body,

I thought that was some Gen Z term the kids use for fitness.

I mean, Pilates has gotten this body all the way together.

- Oh, and girl, you are successfully snatched, okay?

Yes!

- Wow, okay.

- Yeah. - I mean, borrowing my uterus

does give "sister wives" a whole new meaning.

Listen, I'm honored that you would ask me to be your mama-auntie?

Mama...auntie. - I don't know.

- Alright, well, let me think on it,

and talk to your brother first.

- Oh, of course! That's totally understandable.

I mean, I appreciate you even considering doing this.

- Yeah...

- I love you, sis.

- I love you, too.

[??]

- [Lucille] Well, why is everyone so quiet?

Doesn't anybody have any questions?

- Yeah, I got a question.

Is this a book club or a hostage situation?

'Cause why are y'all all still here?

- Can you hand me one of those cheeses?

- Get it yourself, cheater!

- I didn't cheat!

Johnny cheated.

- Well, Johnny can sleep on the fold-out couch tonight!

- Oh, wait-wait-wait a minute!

So, you all see yourselves in this book?

- [All] Yes!

- You know what? I don't think Auntie would be so shallow

and sleazy to write a tell-all book.

- Yeah, I mean, I think you're right, Alfonso.

I can't see Aunt Lucille stooping so low, right?

- So, you see no correlation

between Harold and Henry,

the deadbeat and failed harmonica player?

- No!

Pop didn't play no harmonica!

- Well, all I can say, honey child, is that

Harold can put them harmonica lips on Minnie

any time of day.

- Okay, I'm sure Harold would rather

put his lips on an exhaust pipe!

[He Laughs]

- That's ridiculous!

This whole book should be banned!

- [Lucille] Banned?! Mildred!

- That's too far! [Overlapping Arguing]

[Whistle Blows]

- Can everyone just calm down?

- One second, baby.

Because I tried telling you-- [Arguing Resumes]

- [yells] Hello, everybody!

Responsible adults?!

We have something to say!

- Oh, so you have something to say

about how your characters are portrayed in the book?

- Jackie, all the characters are fictional!

- That's right, Auntie!

Did any one of you

actually finish the book?

- I was gonna... [Overlapping Chatter]

- Well! Jordan and I did,

and as the only ones here who have, we can definitely tell you

that the subject matter is not about any one of us.

- And if you would have read it,

you would have seen that they're all white!

- Word.

[Alfonso Groans]

- I'm a white.

- Except for Steve. He's Indian.

- AJ is right, doggone it!

Every single one of you, a bunch of ingrates!

You should all be honored that your names were used

as the inspiration for my fictional characters

instead of you acting so immature!

- Even if that was the case,

we have no right to stifle her creativity.

I mean, that's what writing is about.

- You tell 'em, Connie! I mean, Mommy.

- Now, everybody,

I think we owe my great aunt a really big apology.

- Yeah, I guess AJ is right.

Maybe we shouldn't have just jumped to conclusions?

- I would never capitalize on all of your shortcomings

just for my own personal gain.

- [sighs] I'm sorry that I called you a cheater.

[cries] I didn't mean it! - And now we all need to say

I'm sorry to Aunt Lucille.

[All Apologizing] - I'm sorry, Lucille.

- [Alfonso] Hey, I love the humility!

Now, y'all ain't gotta go home--

- Oh, before you say that,

I want to thank you all.

And as a token of my appreciation,

I'm gonna take you all out

for some Chicago deep-dish pizza!

My treat! [Excited Chattering]

[??]

- There is no way

I was Connie, I mean, Kim's second choice!

- Honey, you know that book is faker than Kim K's law degree.

[She Sighs]

I need to talk to you about the conversation I had with Aaliyah.

She had a huge favor to ask.

- What, she wanted you to smuggle some pounds over the border?

- No, she wanted to smuggle a pound cake in my oven.

- Excuse me?

- Well, you know, she met with Dr. Gilson,

and the diagnosis wasn't exactly what she was expecting.

She has endometriosis.

- What?! - Yeah.

- Babe, that's the same thing you have.

What are you, contagious?

- Okay, Alfonso. I'm being serious!

She asked me to be her surrogate.

- No-no-no.

No, no, we not doing that.

- Uh, okay. Uh, my body, my choice.

- No, you mean your body, my choice 'cause I will be the one

running to the store at midnight

for your peanut butter and sardine cravings!

- I just really wanted to help our sister.

- And that's amazing.

We had a miscarriage.

And what if you miscarry my sister's baby?

- Well, that was a risk I was willing to take,

but she found out she can freeze her eggs.

- Ah, yes!

So now, I don't gotta be an uncle-daddy.

But I wanna, I wanna, I wanna thank you

for being there for Aaliyah.

- Of course!

We're family, boo.

You're like the sister we never had.

- We?

[??]

[??]

- Ha! Listen, you should have seen how I turned this thing

around on them suckers

and made 'em feel really bad about it, too, uh-huh!

But listen, for legal purposes,

I think we need to add a "loosely based on real people" disclaimer.

Uh-huh.

Oh-oh! And before I send it in to you to publish,

I think I'm gon' do a little rewrite.

Uh-huh, on some freshly brewed tea!

Ha-ha-ha!

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