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1
00:01:25,382 --> 00:01:26,716
-Hi, Daddy.
-Look at this.
2
00:01:26,915 --> 00:01:29,417
The bad guy shoots Superman
a dozen times...
3
00:01:29,580 --> 00:01:32,850
...see the bullets bounce off,
so they throw their guns at him.
4
00:01:34,746 --> 00:01:36,214
It's like they can't kill him...
5
00:01:36,379 --> 00:01:39,082
...so they think they can give him
a bad bruise.
6
00:01:40,111 --> 00:01:42,346
What a bunch of morons.
7
00:01:42,543 --> 00:01:45,746
Daddy, do you notice
anything different about me?
8
00:01:45,942 --> 00:01:47,744
No, son.
9
00:01:51,374 --> 00:01:53,443
Daddy, it's Kelly.
10
00:01:53,706 --> 00:01:55,742
Tell her to come in.
11
00:01:57,771 --> 00:01:59,606
I am already in.
12
00:01:59,838 --> 00:02:02,908
And I am wearing a brunette wig.
13
00:02:03,370 --> 00:02:04,738
"Why?" you ask.
14
00:02:04,936 --> 00:02:08,039
Because I got picked to do
a public service announcement.
15
00:02:08,235 --> 00:02:10,404
I decided that I should do it
as a brunette...
16
00:02:10,568 --> 00:02:13,471
...since blonds have a reputation
for being dumb.
17
00:02:16,099 --> 00:02:19,235
Which we all know
is just a stereo system.
18
00:02:23,830 --> 00:02:26,633
Pumpkin, Daddy is watching
a very important program.
19
00:02:26,829 --> 00:02:28,898
It's called Superman.
20
00:02:30,495 --> 00:02:33,165
What's the big S stand for?
21
00:02:34,227 --> 00:02:36,029
Straight.
22
00:02:38,359 --> 00:02:42,029
Can't be too careful when you take
your pants off in a phone booth.
23
00:02:44,324 --> 00:02:47,327
Now go away, honey,
I'm studying this kryptonite thing.
24
00:02:47,489 --> 00:02:50,959
If it'll stop Superman,
it might just work on your mother.
25
00:02:52,622 --> 00:02:54,857
Fine. You never pay any attention
to me.
26
00:02:55,054 --> 00:02:57,489
It's why I seek the cash
and affection of older men.
27
00:02:57,686 --> 00:03:02,491
That's nice, pumpkin.
And I do pay attention.
28
00:03:04,918 --> 00:03:07,754
-Hi, Dad.
-Hi, Peg.
29
00:03:09,417 --> 00:03:11,118
It's me, Dad.
30
00:03:11,282 --> 00:03:13,251
I got to tell you about my day.
31
00:03:13,448 --> 00:03:16,051
I had to give a driving test
to a woman who was so fat...
32
00:03:16,248 --> 00:03:19,851
...they had to shoot her license photo
with the Hubble Telescope.
33
00:03:21,546 --> 00:03:23,181
Listen to me. I don't have time...
34
00:03:23,345 --> 00:03:25,213
...for your shaggy, fat-woman stories.
35
00:03:26,611 --> 00:03:30,014
-You never listen to anyone.
-I listen to Superman.
36
00:03:30,243 --> 00:03:33,279
He and Clark are very wise.
37
00:03:34,642 --> 00:03:36,110
You're a sick man, Dad.
38
00:03:38,007 --> 00:03:40,943
Hey, you're not a sick person
just because you watch Superman.
39
00:03:41,140 --> 00:03:45,144
You're a sick person
if you think you really are Superman.
40
00:03:57,834 --> 00:03:59,403
Hey, Al.
41
00:04:02,034 --> 00:04:03,735
Jefferson.
42
00:04:04,499 --> 00:04:06,801
Peg kept me up half the night.
43
00:04:06,998 --> 00:04:11,136
Yeah, well, you're lucky.
Marcie kept half of me up all night.
44
00:04:12,430 --> 00:04:14,532
Hey, I'm on my way
to a memorabilia auction.
45
00:04:14,729 --> 00:04:17,165
Wanna buy Marcie one
of those original Barbie dolls...
46
00:04:17,329 --> 00:04:18,964
...for her birthday. You wanna come?
47
00:04:19,128 --> 00:04:20,929
No. I don't care much
for memorabilia.
48
00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:24,598
I live my life in the present.
Dragnet is on.
49
00:04:25,526 --> 00:04:27,261
Al.
50
00:04:32,591 --> 00:04:35,060
Guess what I won at bingo.
51
00:04:35,223 --> 00:04:38,426
A concertina.
52
00:04:39,088 --> 00:04:42,191
Come on, Jefferson,
we'll be late for that auction.
53
00:04:49,085 --> 00:04:51,087
Do I have another bid?
54
00:04:51,385 --> 00:04:57,724
Sold for $3200.
Michael Jackson's original nose.
55
00:05:00,982 --> 00:05:02,884
Well, I hope the Barbie bidding
stays low.
56
00:05:03,048 --> 00:05:05,050
I only brought 2 grand.
57
00:05:05,247 --> 00:05:07,383
Two grand for a Barbie doll?
58
00:05:07,580 --> 00:05:09,982
A real woman isn't worth that much.
59
00:05:11,312 --> 00:05:14,782
And the next item up for bid,
still in its original wrapper...
60
00:05:14,977 --> 00:05:18,981
...the first issue of Big 'Uns.
61
00:05:19,676 --> 00:05:22,278
Twelve hundred dollars.
62
00:05:24,674 --> 00:05:26,442
Sold.
63
00:05:27,407 --> 00:05:30,176
-You don't have any money.
-You got 2 grand.
64
00:05:31,872 --> 00:05:36,910
Al, that is money I took from Marcie
for her birthday present.
65
00:05:37,104 --> 00:05:40,073
Jefferson, this is the first issue
of Big 'Uns.
66
00:05:40,269 --> 00:05:44,207
There's 40 pages. That's 80 "uns."
67
00:05:47,501 --> 00:05:50,037
Okay. Maybe I can find
a Barbie for 800.
68
00:05:50,233 --> 00:05:53,703
You won't be able to find
Woodstock Barbie for that.
69
00:05:54,399 --> 00:05:56,868
-"Woodstock Barbie"?
-Oh, yes.
70
00:05:57,064 --> 00:05:58,866
As any Barbiephile would know...
71
00:05:59,030 --> 00:06:01,733
...Woodstock Barbie comes
with elephant-like bell-bottoms...
72
00:06:01,896 --> 00:06:03,631
...and in a poor boy top.
73
00:06:03,829 --> 00:06:06,665
I'm prepared to go as high as 10,000.
74
00:06:07,494 --> 00:06:10,464
And I'm prepared to call
America's Most Wanted.
75
00:06:13,859 --> 00:06:18,397
I was lucky to get this Nurse Barbie
for $800.
76
00:06:18,591 --> 00:06:21,694
Look. They put a bellybutton on her.
77
00:06:21,890 --> 00:06:25,227
I guess they want little girls to know
how the human body really looks.
78
00:06:25,389 --> 00:06:28,625
That's why married Ken
has no genitals.
79
00:06:30,887 --> 00:06:34,224
Well, Jefferson,
I'll see you next week.
80
00:06:35,652 --> 00:06:37,053
Oh, hi, honey.
81
00:06:37,251 --> 00:06:40,822
Hey, Jefferson,
I have your auction catalog here.
82
00:06:41,017 --> 00:06:44,354
You know, I can't believe
what people pay for these Barbies...
83
00:06:44,550 --> 00:06:47,853
...especially the ones with mistakes.
Look.
84
00:06:48,015 --> 00:06:53,220
A Barbie head on a Ken body
goes for $8000.
85
00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:55,015
And look at this.
86
00:06:55,180 --> 00:06:59,951
Fifty thousand dollars
for a Nurse Barbie with a bellybutton.
87
00:07:03,943 --> 00:07:06,879
I'll tell you, the things people
spend their money on.
88
00:07:07,076 --> 00:07:08,410
Well, if anybody wants me...
89
00:07:08,575 --> 00:07:12,579
...I'll be upstairs
in my new tanning bubble.
90
00:07:18,439 --> 00:07:21,608
Jefferson, it's $50,000.
91
00:07:24,037 --> 00:07:26,340
Well, what are we gonna do?
92
00:07:28,436 --> 00:07:30,271
We...
93
00:07:31,002 --> 00:07:33,771
...say goodbye to you...
94
00:07:34,801 --> 00:07:36,970
...and catch a plane to Aruba.
95
00:07:44,065 --> 00:07:46,167
Al, it's Marcie.
96
00:07:47,563 --> 00:07:50,032
Jefferson Milhouse D'Arcy.
97
00:07:50,229 --> 00:07:52,966
Open this door right now.
98
00:07:53,162 --> 00:07:56,265
I can't give bellybutton Barbie
to Marcie.
99
00:07:56,461 --> 00:07:59,064
It's more valuable than she is.
100
00:08:01,159 --> 00:08:05,263
Hey, wait. Wait. I got an idea.
Go let her in. Go, go.
101
00:08:08,390 --> 00:08:11,827
Hey, Marcie,
I thought I heard some pecking.
102
00:08:15,255 --> 00:08:18,124
Out of my way, swamp gas.
103
00:08:18,321 --> 00:08:21,590
That's Mr. Swamp Gas to you.
104
00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:24,155
I'm sorry about the door, honey.
105
00:08:24,319 --> 00:08:26,754
I just didn't want you to see
your birthday present...
106
00:08:26,918 --> 00:08:29,321
...before I got the price tag off.
107
00:08:35,648 --> 00:08:37,450
Happy birthday.
108
00:08:42,713 --> 00:08:45,015
A rawhide bone, Jefferson?
109
00:08:48,945 --> 00:08:50,379
Now give me back my bone...
110
00:08:50,544 --> 00:08:53,213
...or I'm ripping everybody
a new bellybutton.
111
00:08:57,008 --> 00:08:58,944
Jefferson.
112
00:08:59,108 --> 00:09:01,611
An original Nurse Barbie.
113
00:09:01,807 --> 00:09:04,343
I've wanted this doll all my life.
114
00:09:04,539 --> 00:09:06,641
My parents never let me
have a Barbie.
115
00:09:07,105 --> 00:09:10,509
Instead they bought me
a Chinese backscratcher.
116
00:09:11,637 --> 00:09:16,008
I put clothes and makeup on it,
but it just wasn't the same.
117
00:09:16,436 --> 00:09:18,338
Oh, thank you, honey.
118
00:09:18,535 --> 00:09:21,705
I'm never letting her out of my sight.
119
00:09:25,039 --> 00:09:26,840
Me, neither.
120
00:09:33,575 --> 00:09:36,111
Hey, here comes Popeye.
121
00:09:39,812 --> 00:09:44,650
Hey, Al, you want to try
my squeeze box?
122
00:09:47,783 --> 00:09:51,620
No, Peg, you blew this man down
a long time ago.
123
00:09:59,188 --> 00:10:02,224
Peg? Kelly?
124
00:10:02,423 --> 00:10:04,224
Bud?
125
00:10:05,658 --> 00:10:08,428
Good. Bring on the Big 'Uns.
126
00:10:16,396 --> 00:10:19,766
-Hey, Dad.
-Of course.
127
00:10:20,465 --> 00:10:21,967
Well--
128
00:10:23,633 --> 00:10:27,136
Today, while I was giving
a driving test...
129
00:10:28,803 --> 00:10:34,041
...I learned that windshields are made
from this stuff called safety glass.
130
00:10:35,339 --> 00:10:39,643
That's so no one else will get hurt
when I go flying through it.
131
00:10:41,241 --> 00:10:43,043
Now look, son.
132
00:10:44,177 --> 00:10:46,546
Son, look, it's not that I don't care.
133
00:10:46,744 --> 00:10:49,046
Oh, sure that's part of it.
134
00:10:50,045 --> 00:10:51,180
But the main thing is...
135
00:10:51,347 --> 00:10:53,615
...I've got something very important
to do.
136
00:10:54,614 --> 00:10:56,383
Big 'Uns?
137
00:10:57,882 --> 00:11:00,852
Some bigger than your entire body.
138
00:11:07,354 --> 00:11:09,255
Now, son, you've got two choices.
139
00:11:09,455 --> 00:11:13,492
Get out or get the hell out.
140
00:11:16,692 --> 00:11:18,027
Fine.
141
00:11:18,193 --> 00:11:20,395
You never pay any attention to me.
142
00:11:20,793 --> 00:11:23,663
Is it any wonder I seek the affections
of sleazy bar maids...
143
00:11:23,829 --> 00:11:25,964
...and 25-cent movies?
144
00:11:33,900 --> 00:11:36,169
Gee, now I feel bad.
145
00:11:40,903 --> 00:11:43,172
Yep, now I feel good.
146
00:11:49,008 --> 00:11:52,511
Look, Daddy, I changed my mind.
147
00:11:52,709 --> 00:11:55,312
I decided that it is not
the color of the hair...
148
00:11:55,710 --> 00:11:59,080
...but the head that it's stuck to,
that is important.
149
00:12:00,146 --> 00:12:02,849
Ergo, I have decided
to do the announcement...
150
00:12:03,047 --> 00:12:06,851
...proudly wearing this blond wig.
151
00:12:10,118 --> 00:12:13,688
But, pumpkin,
that's your real hair color.
152
00:12:14,853 --> 00:12:16,855
They don't know that.
153
00:12:19,489 --> 00:12:23,659
That's a good point, sweetheart.
Now, you leave Daddy alone now.
154
00:12:24,624 --> 00:12:25,859
Okay.
155
00:12:26,025 --> 00:12:28,260
I don't think Daddy was
listening to me.
156
00:12:28,459 --> 00:12:31,429
I'll bet he's got a Big 'Uns
under the couch.
157
00:12:33,461 --> 00:12:35,463
Oh, well, the important thing
to remember...
158
00:12:35,662 --> 00:12:40,401
...is I'm going up the stairs,
up the stairs. Wait.
159
00:12:41,098 --> 00:12:42,833
Where was I going?
160
00:12:44,065 --> 00:12:48,276
Oh, yeah. Up the stairs, up the stairs.
161
00:12:48,276 --> 00:12:48,603
Oh, yeah. Up the stairs, up the stairs.
162
00:12:52,204 --> 00:12:53,606
I got a big problem, Al.
163
00:12:53,805 --> 00:12:55,707
Marcie hasn't let go
of that Barbie doll...
164
00:12:55,873 --> 00:12:57,841
...since I gave it to her.
165
00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:00,909
I need you to do me a little favor.
166
00:13:01,108 --> 00:13:03,944
Can I do it
while I'm reading my magazine?
167
00:13:04,410 --> 00:13:06,745
You know, that magazine
still belongs to me...
168
00:13:06,911 --> 00:13:09,280
...until you've paid me for it.
169
00:13:12,147 --> 00:13:14,015
What is the favor?
170
00:13:14,815 --> 00:13:17,284
I need you to sleep with Marcie.
171
00:13:22,619 --> 00:13:24,454
I don't mean sleep with her.
172
00:13:24,686 --> 00:13:27,289
Just lie next to her
so I can switch that Barbie...
173
00:13:27,454 --> 00:13:29,122
...with the regular Nurse Barbie.
174
00:13:29,321 --> 00:13:31,390
The Barbiephile
that we saw at the auction...
175
00:13:31,556 --> 00:13:33,858
...will give me $50,000
and the substitute.
176
00:13:34,024 --> 00:13:37,127
It'd just take an hour
until I make the trade. How about it?
177
00:13:37,959 --> 00:13:42,097
Jefferson. Peg might wake up
and notice me gone...
178
00:13:42,261 --> 00:13:47,032
...and then it might ruin
an otherwise-sickening marriage.
179
00:13:48,297 --> 00:13:52,268
Hey, look, Al. She's dancing.
180
00:13:53,467 --> 00:13:56,070
Oh, all right, I'll do it.
181
00:13:56,935 --> 00:14:00,205
Al, I'm so glad you're home.
182
00:14:00,537 --> 00:14:03,973
Gladys has just taught myself
and the entire neighborhood...
183
00:14:04,172 --> 00:14:07,875
..."John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt."
184
00:14:10,542 --> 00:14:14,712
I'll leave my pajamas
under the weeping willow tree.
185
00:14:15,544 --> 00:14:17,279
Good move.
186
00:14:17,578 --> 00:14:19,880
Hit it, girls.
187
00:14:45,758 --> 00:14:47,359
What took you so long?
188
00:14:47,559 --> 00:14:49,194
You haven't lived until you heard...
189
00:14:49,359 --> 00:14:52,296
..."Itsy Bitsy Spider''
played on a concertina.
190
00:14:53,361 --> 00:14:55,897
And speaking of things
I'm afraid of with hairy legs...
191
00:14:56,063 --> 00:14:58,265
...let's get this thing over with.
192
00:15:06,068 --> 00:15:08,737
-You're sure she won't wake up?
-Positive.
193
00:15:08,936 --> 00:15:11,772
We just had sex three times.
194
00:15:12,104 --> 00:15:16,575
And I did her real good.
195
00:15:24,610 --> 00:15:28,547
Okay, I switched the Barbie
with a Chinese backscratcher.
196
00:15:29,345 --> 00:15:32,381
One hour, Jefferson.
You better be back here in one hour.
197
00:15:32,581 --> 00:15:34,616
One hour.
198
00:15:36,116 --> 00:15:38,618
And if you hear a noise
coming from across the hall...
199
00:15:38,783 --> 00:15:40,318
...that's Marcie's niece, Amber.
200
00:15:40,784 --> 00:15:42,953
Anything else I should know?
201
00:15:43,152 --> 00:15:46,922
Well, Marcie likes me to sleep
with my hand on her tush.
202
00:15:47,721 --> 00:15:50,090
It'll keep her from waking up.
203
00:16:05,529 --> 00:16:07,564
Jefferson, where are you?
204
00:16:32,408 --> 00:16:36,146
Well, Jefferson isn't back yet.
There's a shock.
205
00:16:36,377 --> 00:16:38,579
Fifty grand in his pocket
and me with his wife.
206
00:16:38,745 --> 00:16:40,714
Gee, who came out ahead?
207
00:16:42,380 --> 00:16:44,983
To hell with this,
I'm getting out of here.
208
00:16:51,252 --> 00:16:53,521
Hello? Peggy?
209
00:16:53,719 --> 00:16:56,955
I'm worried about Al. He's missing.
210
00:16:57,154 --> 00:16:59,022
I thought maybe
he was with Jefferson.
211
00:16:59,221 --> 00:17:02,958
No, my Jefferson's right here.
212
00:17:05,758 --> 00:17:07,460
Gee.
213
00:17:08,859 --> 00:17:11,629
You know, his remote is cold.
214
00:17:11,861 --> 00:17:14,797
And the toilet seat is dry.
215
00:17:16,663 --> 00:17:18,231
Where do you think he could be?
216
00:17:18,430 --> 00:17:21,400
Well, maybe
he's with another woman.
217
00:17:25,867 --> 00:17:27,402
Listen, don't you worry, Peggy...
218
00:17:27,569 --> 00:17:30,372
...if we hear anything,
we'll let you know.
219
00:17:34,539 --> 00:17:36,874
Jefferson.
220
00:17:39,008 --> 00:17:41,944
You want to take me again?
221
00:17:54,948 --> 00:17:56,883
Come on, I don't mean to criticize...
222
00:17:57,049 --> 00:18:01,053
...but you didn't really satisfy me
earlier.
223
00:18:03,352 --> 00:18:06,556
Aunt Marcie,
do you have a heating pad?
224
00:18:06,754 --> 00:18:10,024
There's one in the nightstand.
Are you sick?
225
00:18:10,222 --> 00:18:12,758
I'm on my period.
You know how it is.
226
00:18:12,957 --> 00:18:14,559
Yeah, I know the feeling.
227
00:18:14,758 --> 00:18:18,461
I've gone to the super tampons
lately myself.
228
00:18:21,661 --> 00:18:22,795
The things that happen...
229
00:18:22,962 --> 00:18:26,199
...when you forget to pack
your cyanide pill.
230
00:18:27,564 --> 00:18:30,200
Even my breasts are swollen.
231
00:18:30,365 --> 00:18:31,567
Want to see?
232
00:18:35,668 --> 00:18:39,438
Not here. We don't want to wake
Uncle Jefferson.
233
00:18:45,039 --> 00:18:49,610
Jefferson, rub my back.
234
00:18:53,410 --> 00:18:55,612
That's my chest.
235
00:19:15,620 --> 00:19:17,689
I can't get back in bed with her.
236
00:19:17,888 --> 00:19:20,023
But on the good side,
soon Marcie will get up,
237
00:19:20,189 --> 00:19:23,025
I'll see her plucked naked
and drop dead.
238
00:19:26,025 --> 00:19:27,393
I'm sorry I'm late, buddy.
239
00:19:27,593 --> 00:19:29,528
I swapped the Barbie’s,
I got the 50 thou.
240
00:19:29,694 --> 00:19:33,664
I was on my way back
when I got the urge to gamble.
241
00:19:33,862 --> 00:19:35,564
I felt a lucky streak coming on...
242
00:19:35,730 --> 00:19:37,999
...so I decided to run
my 50 thou into 100.
243
00:19:38,197 --> 00:19:41,734
-Well, did you?
-No, I lost it all.
244
00:19:42,466 --> 00:19:45,636
So did I. I wouldn't go
in your bathroom if I were you.
245
00:19:47,935 --> 00:19:51,939
Your shirt is all wet.
You even sweat in bed?
246
00:19:52,137 --> 00:19:54,707
Those are tears, Jefferson.
247
00:20:00,941 --> 00:20:02,843
Jefferson?
248
00:20:03,643 --> 00:20:07,113
-She's waking up. Go. Go.
-I'm going.
249
00:20:13,248 --> 00:20:16,985
-Did you hear someone screaming?
-Yeah.
250
00:20:17,149 --> 00:20:19,185
It was probably Al falling
from the window...
251
00:20:19,351 --> 00:20:21,853
...after having slept with you.
252
00:20:39,426 --> 00:20:43,030
Al Bundy, where have you been?
253
00:20:44,563 --> 00:20:46,965
Sleeping with Marcie.
254
00:20:48,864 --> 00:20:51,267
Don't you lie to me.
255
00:20:51,666 --> 00:20:53,935
You have been
at Shecky's All Night Chicken Shack.
256
00:20:54,101 --> 00:20:55,769
Haven't you?
257
00:20:56,568 --> 00:20:59,104
And I've been up all night,
worried sick.
258
00:20:59,303 --> 00:21:03,540
Pacing, fretting, cleaning--
Which I should do more often.
259
00:21:03,739 --> 00:21:06,508
Do you know that I found a magazine
underneath that couch...
260
00:21:06,673 --> 00:21:08,174
...that was over 40 years old?
261
00:21:12,376 --> 00:21:14,344
Oh, no.
262
00:21:14,878 --> 00:21:16,346
Where is it?
263
00:21:16,546 --> 00:21:18,048
I threw it out.
264
00:21:18,248 --> 00:21:22,953
Oh, Peg. Peg, I want my Big 'Uns.
265
00:21:23,153 --> 00:21:28,358
Oh, honey, you want Big 'Uns?
266
00:21:28,558 --> 00:21:33,697
-I'll give you Big 'Uns.
-No, I said, Big 'Uns. Not those ones.
20027
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