Original subtitles

We'll be right back.

Joe Blake and Terry Collins.

This is Lieutenant McCormick of the Los Angeles Police Department.

Put down your weapons and come out of the bank with your hands in the air.

One last big heist. What a great idea.

Yeah, Joe knows best.

Yes, sirree. Joe knows exactly what he's doing.

Exactly what he's doing. What does Joe get me?

Stuck in a bank called the Alamo.

Surrounded by the entire Los Angeles Police Department. Look out there.

Remember now, people.

These guys haven't been prone to violence yet in any of these incidents.

So everybody just stay real calm.

All right. Joe Blake and Terry Collins have finally met their match. I think

they're running out of luck very quickly. They're going to need more

their sleeve than Siegfried and Roy if they think they're going to get out of

this one.

If you're just tuning in, we're in front of the Alamo Savings and Loan right

here in Century City. The place looks like a war zone.

The troops are moving in here. The SWAT team is moving in. The helicopter.

Mabsu says that even the softest of things can pass through a horse like

invisible water.

Thank you for that completely useless bit of information, Joe.

You know what your problem is? Huh? My problem? Yeah, I'm trapped like a rat.

Destined for an early grave.

Kate Wheeler.

Do you remember Kate?

Traitor.

Liar. Queen of Devil Cross.

Empress of Deceit.

Duchess. Oh, okay. I get your point, all right? Oh, do you, Joe?

Do you really?

Because as I recall, I remember warning you in the strongest language possible

that taking on a full -time hostage was an error of epic proportion. We had no

choice, okay? Yes, we did.

Shoot her and bury her body in the woods. That was a choice. Hey, you

her in, okay? I recall that.

You know what? If we'd have let her go, she'd have gone right to the cops, okay?

Joe, look outside.

She did.

That's exactly what she did.

Kate Wheeler is going to get the thanks of a grateful nation.

Not to mention a sizable reward.

We've got shots fired in the location.

Mark.

Good evening, everybody. I'm Darren Head.

And tonight we have an incredible story for you.

It's a story that's part soap opera, part crime drama.

A story of betrayal and greed.

It's part Bonnie and Clyde. It's part Barnum and Bailey.

It's the story of Joe Blake and Terry Collins, the most successful bank

in the history of the United States.

Now, shortly before the bloody shootout, they took their lives. I had the

opportunity to interview these men in an exclusive interview when they broke

into my house and by gunpoint made me tell their story from their point of

Now, the reason I bring this up is that the footage you're about to see was shot

on a home video camera by my personal assistant, Julio.

So it's all shaky and a little wobbly, not exactly professional.

Now, what happened in the wide range in exchange is Blake and Collins revealed

to me for the first time anywhere the inside story of the daring robberies

made them so famous.

Twenty -five hours later, Blake and Collins were dead.

We have an exclusive.

Okay, again.

Twenty -five hours later, Blake and Collins were dead.

So tonight, on a very special edition of Criminals at Large, the inside story,

the true story of the sleepover bandits.

And fade to black.

That was great, guys. We're going to keep that one. All right.

Got it?

We use that with the B -roll.

Joe, may I have a word with you, please?

Hey, Joe, it's a violation of my civil rights. That's what it is.

Cruel and unusual punishment expressly forbidden by the Constitution, you hear?

President, it's supposed to be cruel and unusual, Terry.

That's the whole idea.

That's not what I'm talking about.

What are you talking about?

Garlic.

Gordon Kerner has banned the sale of fresh garlic from the commissary because

doesn't like the smell.

You see, Joe, it's like it's a miracle drug.

High blood pressure and arthritis and cancer, emphysema, allergies,

anything. Garlic is the first line of defense, always.

Hold on one second, Larry.

You hear what I'm saying?

And I've got symptoms.

I don't care what that doctor said.

Maybe now's not a good time to talk about garlic.

Hey, Joe.

You know, don't worry about it. Once you come down out of the ring, don't do

what I think you're going to do, please.

You remember what I told you, right, Joe?

Don't do the... You really did my thing, Mario.

Joe, for God's sake.

Joe!

Joe! Joe, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Joe, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Calm down.

Breathe.

Do you ever read the

Tao?

Sorry?

You know, the guy, Lao.

Lao.

Low we move.

Not soon. Ah, there you go.

Not soon.

You know, Joe, I begged you to stay out of the library.

You begged me to work on my anger, man.

Well, medication's quicker.

It's much more effective.

You know what?

I would like to sleep in a comfortable bed tonight.

Don't they have me a cheeseburger?

French fries, big old chocolate milkshake for dinner.

Ancient Chinese wisdom?

No, just hungry.

I'd definitely chip my tooth.

Ah!

For the love of God!

Does no one else hear that infernal ringing?

Oh, yeah, sure, go ahead and laugh.

But according to the latest research, tinnitus, which is what they call it,

that's what I've got, in my ear. I don't make this shit up. It's an actual

disease.

Go ahead and laugh. Play basketball.

Have fun. In the meantime, I've got goddamn Quasimodo going off in my head.

God, Joe, what are you doing in the cement truck? Joe?

Joe?

Yes, would you just open for a second?

Come on. There you go. Very nice.

Thank you.

That's a really lovely dress.

Thank you.

Welcome. Thank you.

Get in the car!

Okay.

Ma 'am.

Okay, first things first. We need, uh, what do we need? We need clothes.

We need money.

A place to hide.

We better get a new car pretty quick. I don't feel good about driving down Main

Street wearing clothes that say inmates.

You know what I mean?

And why are we stopping here?

This is where they keep the cash.

Hey!

Don't make... Put the cash.

Didn't you say something about needing money? Well, yeah, but I mean, not right

now. Look, Joe, let's just discuss this for a minute, okay? I mean, I know that

money's on the list, but it's not at the top of the list.

Bingo. Bingo what?

What do you mean, bingo?

Are you going to knock over a bank with a magic marker?

I mean, what are you going to do, write on them? We don't even have a plan. You

have to have some kind of plan to rob a bank.

We're wearing matching denim uniforms that say inmate on them.

Unless these people are blind, I don't think this is going to work.

Do you understand?

Take out your gun, thumb and middle finger on the butt. Hand it to me

Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. We'll be

out of your way in just a second. No phone calls, no alarms, please.

Cash drawer is open.

Take a bag, fill it with cash. Take a bag, fill it with cash.

Cash, please.

Ma 'am, is there any other cash in the back?

No. Don't touch that phone, sir. Are you sure?

Don't touch that. Are you telling me the truth? I'm telling you the truth.

You're very honest.

Quickly, please. Thank you. Thank you. He made no plan whatsoever for this.

Here we go. Put that right in there.

Thank you.

I'll take that. Here we go.

Okay, thank you very much.

There's just never enough time when you're working.

Thank you for your cooperation.

No phone calls, no alarms. Here we go. Come on.

Sir,

if you need to highlight anything. Here we go. Come on.

Hey, hey, hey, stop, stop.

Hey, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

What? What, sir?

Rebar your car. Find a buzz, asshole.

Hey! Come on! This car!

Let's go! No, no! This car! Get in!

Get in!

You got the gun?

No.

Come on, get up here. Act regular.

Chest pain, left arm a little numb, accelerated heartbeat, spot.

I'm actually seeing spots.

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

I don't know why.

to prison.

Zip up your pants, Sherry.

You too.

Phil.

So where's your mom, Sherry?

My mom doesn't live here anymore.

And your dad?

Oh, he's fishing for the weekend.

So your dad left you here all alone?

Oh, no. He thinks I'm at a friend's house.

And how about you, Scooter?

I told my folks I had a soccer trip.

You lied to your parents?

No. You're kidding, right?

No, I'm not kidding.

I'm sorry.

Who are you guys?

Hey, you're inmates.

What'd you say your name was?

You think there's something funny about being an inmate, Phil?

We're bank robbers, okay?

So what's on our mind?

Paraiso Del Mar.

Paraiso?

Paradise.

My uncle owns this little hotel on the water about 100 miles south of Acapulco.

That's Mexico.

Right. That's where they keep Acapulco, Terry.

But I have sanitation issues, Joe.

Buy the hotel, turn it into a nightclub and resort.

I could wear a tuxedo, sell margaritas to the tourists.

We could have some fun.

You'd do that?

I mean, you and me?

Yeah.

Partners. Partners?

Tuxedos and margaritas.

Good, right? Yeah.

I can run the kitchen.

You can work the room.

It's a high -risk business, but, I mean, considering the alternatives, I got to

say, I think that sounds really good.

That's the one question. How do we pay for it?

Well, there are bank robbers.

Where is he?

Below my belt and above my knees.

Now you know what I mean.

You're going to get us killed.

Maybe I'll save the day and we'll both be rich and famous and on TV.

I think there's a way to do it right. I'm sure of it.

So where is he?

In Daddy's closet behind the golf clubs.

What's the biggest problem every time you rob a bank?

Getting caught.

Exactly.

There's guards to shoot at you.

There's tellers to hit alarms. There's customers to get in the way, right?

Right. Huh?

You need to control the environment.

No guards, no tellers, no customers.

Yeah, but if you work at night, you still got to deal with the alarms.

But we don't work at night.

When do you do it?

Holidays? No.

We do it with the bank manager in the morning with the bank manager's keys and

the bank manager's vault codes because we kidnapped him the night before.

I mean, think about it. We pick a town. We pick a bank.

We find out who's in charge. We pay him a little visit. We spend the night with

him like we are here.

The next morning, we all go to work together before anybody else gets there.

We take the money and run.

Tuxedos and margaritas, Joe, just like you said.

Life will be like one big sunset.

Want to see something neat?

Aim the shotgun at me.

What?

Aim it at me.

Freeze?

Pretty good.

First, you got to pump it down to the chamber.

Like this.

Nate.

The conversation is over, all right?

Well, I feel good in this collar. I've always liked this kind of collar.

But you boned me on the pants, Joe.

It's really not fair. It's a low blow.

I picked those pants out for me. I laid them out. I specifically chose those.

Well, well.

Look at you, gentlemen.

Are the clothes all right?

Ooh. Aren't we looking stiffy and plaid?

Oh, he likes plaid.

Oh, two sugars, right? Thank you very much. Sherry, we're going to have to

borrow Phil's car.

Hey!

Oh, that's okay. He doesn't mind.

The hell I don't. It's a new transmission.

So where are we headed?

Rufus?

Where's Rufus?

It's up the road a little ways.

What's in Rufus?

Pollard.

Harvey Pollard.

Oh,

you feel the need to shoot?

Well, you feel the need to shoot?

Well, go ahead and shoot then.

What the hell was that?

Drop.

Joe. No,

no, no. Got out early. Got out early.

Terry, say hello to my cousin Harvey Pollard.

Glad to know you. Any friend of Joe's, man.

Was it Harry?

Terry. Those are wicked pants.

So what are you doing?

Working? Special effects.

Well, stunt work primarily.

What? Mostly training right now. Damn squids won't fire.

We're looking for somebody who can handle a car.

Well, I can do that. Why?

Thanks.

You're fooling me.

Well, hell, John, just the man you're looking for.

You want a beer?

Yeah, I'll take a beer. Okay.

Time of malfunction.

Drop!

I'm gonna get a beer.

He's honest.

And he falls real good.

Me, I'm gonna make a name for myself in fire.

I've been practicing with gels, you know, mostly on my hands, but I need a

Harvey, speaking of the job.

You ever wonder why a man set himself on fire and jump off the top of a 12

-story building?

Gosh, no, I didn't, Harvey. Women love a man who loves danger.

You guys were talking about before about the front man. You kept mentioning this

guy. Will you explain to the people at home, add to me, what exactly the front

man does and who he is?

Well, Dan, um...

The front man handles pretty much everything else except robbing the bank.

rents the rooms, he gets the supplies, the food that, you know, we would eat.

He drives the getaway car.

Right. Joe and I maintain what you call a low profile.

Right. If the front man is never seen in a bank, we're never seen out of one.

And I plotted all the banks that we would rob from Oregon to California.

Right. Our first bank on the list was the Oregon City Bank. Oregon City Bank.

the schedules and the routines and the bank guards, the tellers, everything, we

got it all down. But mostly we watched our first hostage.

Daryl Miller, the bank president, didn't know it yet, but he was about to spend

the night with a sleepover bandits.

Wow. And that sounded good, right? Yeah.

Didn't know it yet, but he was about to spend the night with a sleepover

bandits. Yeah.

Very newsworthy.

Look, it's his job, all right? I asked him to get me a good mustache, and he

gives me something that looks like it'd come out of a Cracker Jack box. This is

not about the mustache. Well, he got you a good... We're going to work. He got

you a nice wig. Look at you. You look great.

Yeah, have you noticed the burns are kind of flapping?

Howdy.

We're here to rob your goddamn bank.

Now just get in there.

The important thing here... The

important thing... The important thing is that we spend

a quiet night together, and then tomorrow morning, bright and early, we

down to the bank together.

It's really a reasonable proposition if you think about it.

Sure.

Whatever you say.

That's the spirit.

Stop playing with your food, Erica.

But it's too long.

Next time I want you to try to wrap around your fork, just like Daddy does.

Cut mine, Mom. Just a second, huh?

The sauce is too red.

It's not too red. Yes, it is. The sauce is too red.

You know, actually, Mrs. Miller, this sauce is quite terrific.

Isn't it? I hate it.

Thank you.

Time's of all set.

7 .30. Tomato lemon?

Yeah.

Lemon zest, oregano, a little cream. Say, I cook a little.

Keys?

Two. I have one.

The operations officer has the other one.

There's something in here I can't identify. Those are basil?

No.

Rosemary? No, don't tell me. Don't tell me.

It's saffron.

Yes.

Yes, it's saffron.

Bingo. I knew it.

You know, sometimes I put a little sugar in mine. It gets the acidity.

Thank you.

I remember that.

Little tricks, you know.

What was that album after the horses?

It was after the gold rush, and that's not the one. It's the one where he's

leaning against a tree in the snow or whatever. That's what I was actually

for. Getting out of the bank is almost as important as getting into it.

The hostages were kept under the strictest possible guard to prevent

alarm of any type, you see.

See, we had to bring their kids along, the Miller children.

Copy. This is Butane.

You're all clear and ready to rock and roll.

Please turn your music down. I can't hear a word you said.

You're all clear and ready to rock and roll.

Thank you.

Okay, girls. You just stay right here.

Everybody should be here in ten minutes.

What's the all clear?

What's that?

Washington. On the inside.

What?

George Washington.

When it's all clear, he's facing you.

Oh.

Make it all clear, Daryl.

Cool.

Three more.

Morning. Morning, Gerald.

Morning, Gerald.

Morning,

ladies.

Is this a joke?

No, ma 'am.

This is a bank robbery.

Hurry it up. It's not a parade. Come on.

All righty then.

Just have a seat with everybody else. It's not going to take long.

Monica? I have to go to the bathroom.

No more juice boxes, Chloe. Okay.

If it weren't for the fact that the kids had bladders the size of hummingbirds,

it would have been fine.

Well, they drank a lot of juice.

One of these days you're going to get caught.

It's a very dangerous job. Aren't you ever scared and afraid?

When you know danger the way we do, I know it like an animal, like a wild

animal. You know what they call me in jail?

No, I don't.

The panther.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much for your cooperation. Please make

attempt to escape because we will be monitoring the police scanners and we'll

kill you if you do. When you're a well -drawn machine, you exude danger.

Sure.

People fear you.

They fear your presence.

The gun really is secondary.

Okay. Thank you.

Now listen.

We go our separate ways.

Two weeks from today, we meet in Klamath Falls. You take this map. It's on

there. I want to go with Joe. I can't do that. You can't. They're looking for

two men. And that's why we're splitting up and going solo as planned.

What am I supposed to do for two weeks?

You stay out of trouble. Try that. What about the minivan?

You leave it here.

I like the minivan.

It's new.

I appreciate that.

But as it's a stolen minivan, it's probably better that you leave it here.

Let's go. We got to go. What about my money? Here's yours right there. We

it three ways. Nothing fancy.

I'm going to buy me a fire suit. First thing.

I bet I can mail order one out of L .A. Good job, man. You too, buddy. Be

careful. Be careful. Stay out of trouble.

What are you going to buy with your shares?

Paradise.

Too weak. Klamath Falls. Be careful.

And come out of the bank with your hands in the air.

This could be a bad time, but I just want to point out that I did warn you

that woman was going to be the ruin of us. Right.

Understood.

But as our future looks rather bleak and miserable, I suggest we figure out what

got us here in the first place.

Which brings us back to that woman.

The most common symptom of vaginitis is an abnormal vaginal discharge, often

probably from an allergic reaction to mites.

What is that smell?

It's a gratin with Florence fennel, new potatoes, clam and sorrel soup with

cream and mirepoix, and stuffed quail.

Kate, I have a dinner tonight.

Client.

Tonight?

Oh, well. Just for fun.

I'm going to the gym.

See ya.

Sweetheart. Yeah?

Why don't you go see a movie?

Hey,

you pull over and get out of the car.

I don't have to get all huffy about it. You need to pull the car over.

It was an accident.

Listen, I'll shoot you with this thing.

I'll go ahead.

Believe me.

Listen to me, miss.

Kate. Kate, I'm a desperate man.

You don't know the meaning of the word.

Desperate is when you wake up in the morning and you wish you hadn't. It's

knowing that every time you get behind the wheel of a car, you're only a three

away from ending the empty charade that your life has become.

Now, don't talk to me about desperate.

Listen, on second thought, why don't you just pull over and let me out right

here and thank you for the lift? No. I'll be fine. I'll just walk from here.

Why? I'm feeling very pretty at the moment. I don't think I should be alone.

You're...

From Justin.

I'm a dangerous criminal.

Oh, well, that explains the hijacking. You hit me!

You can't expect to step in front of a moving automobile and make it stop.

Yes, you can. I've seen it, God.

But you don't yell at me.

Well, can you slow down or something? I'm going to get out of here. I'll jump.

That's what I'm going to do.

How do you unlock the store? Push a button.

Unlock the store.

So, where are you headed?

I'll drop you. I mean, you're in no shape to drive.

So you're fugitive, huh?

Everything. Alert.

Your global positioning system is rerouting. Where is that coming from?

that?

Between the second set of trees. The second set of trees right here.

What the hell is this?

Kate, Paul Bunyan. Paul, Kate.

Kate? I ran out of gas.

And? And she hit me.

With her car.

Okay. She hit you with her car. What the hell did you bring her out here for?

Well, one, I had no choice.

Two, I may have suffered a slight concussion. And three, she's mentally

unbalanced to a spectacular degree.

I can hear you.

I tried to escape.

She wouldn't stop.

I almost jumped from a speeding car, Joe.

Do you hear me? I had double vision.

What was I gonna do?

Your left eye is a fraction darker than your right one.

Nobody ever noticed.

I'm Joe.

I'm Kate.

Oh, what happened to you two?

All right, okay. Why don't you just get on your way, okay?

Act like you never met us and send us a postcard from crazy town. Can I stay

here? Just that I don't know where else to go.

And let me be one night, please?

I'm not sure we can do that.

Absolutely no way.

That's not possible.

I can't go home.

I can't.

I could go to the police. I mean, what's it to stop me leaving them straight to

your hideout?

What are you hiding from?

Anyway, I mean, he wouldn't tell me. Very, very discreet.

Come here, Joe.

Come here.

What's with the pull?

This is a very, very bad idea.

In the history of bad ideas, this is a humdinger. Okay?

She's right about the police.

Shoot her!

Bury her body in the woods!

What am I, invisible?

She says she doesn't have any place to stay. It's none of our business. Well,

is now that you brought her here, isn't it? Well, I needed a ride, okay?

I mean, there I was sprawled out on the asphalt.

Okay?

You know the hardest thing about being smart?

No? I always pretty much know what's going to happen next. There's no

And don't think I didn't see the look in your eye over there and the feel on her

little hair and all that kind of stuff.

I'm implementing a 24 -hour rule from now on. Okay? It's in effect.

24 hours and not a minute longer, Missy. Thank you.

Missy. Hey, I'll cook dinner.

I cook the dinners around here.

Sorry, not familiar with the outlaw code.

Does that mean I'm a hostage?

Well, I was in Las Vegas.

Get excited. I'm not talking to you.

Now, Joe, you know the cost.

Hotel remodeling? Real estate?

I've estimated $20 ,000 for the kitchen alone. I mean, we're talking about

restaurant quality here. And that's not to mention the nightclub. You know, I

got a crippled cousin.

Up in New Hampshire. I was going in for her seventh operation on her leg, okay?

I got my mother's people up in Ottawa, the Anthony uncles. These bills add up,

Terry, okay?

Listen, I'm duly impressed by any and all charitable contributions.

How crippled. Did you know you could bet on Irish hurling? Hey, hey, hey, excuse

me, Harvey.

I'm trying to figure out why my partner here, when he wasn't helping improve the

Blake family standard of living, managed to spend $200 ,000.

I'm very lucky.

lady from the Netherlands. Oh, color me surprised. Who took me to this

Oktoberfest deal and they had a big parade and she wanted to ride on one of

floats. Okay, so I bought her one. Now we're drinking these big steins of

Holland beer and one thing leads to another and I'm throwing $50 bills out

the crowd.

The thing about Irish hurling is that it's like football with sticks.

Stop it.

Stop it. Please. For God's sake, Pollard.

Okay?

Okay. You meet a girl, you go to a festival.

October Festival.

October Fest. You throw $50 bills to the crowd. I notice you got a new gold

watch. I don't think an 18 -carat gold watch. I don't give a shit how many

carats it is. 36 grand. It's no big deal.

Did you ever think about asking somebody for the time? It's a lot cheaper.

Anything else?

Well, yeah, we stayed a couple days longer than I thought we were gonna down

San Diego, and I had to get her back to the Netherlands, so I chartered a

private jet to take her home. Oh, of course you did.

The Netherlands?

Yeah.

Joe.

Listen.

Let me try to explain something to you. Paradise doesn't come cheaply, okay?

Now, I figured this down to the last nickel.

Now, and here's the important part.

Every nickel that we spend is a nickel that we have to steal. Now, that's a lot

of nickels, Joe. I don't want to rob banks for the rest of my life.

The stress level is just too damned high.

Harvey?

Joe? Dinner's almost ready.

No, this is not bad.

It's a little... It's a little chewy, but...

You

boys ever eat and talk at the same time?

We used to.

So, um...

What sort of work do you do, crime -wise?

Bank robbery.

Well, they rob banks. I drive to get away. All right, Harvey.

That's enough, Harvey.

Wait a minute. You're not the guys who go to the bank manager's house, you

that before, and you... They do. I drive to get away. Harvey!

You're the sleepover, Ben.

Oh, my God, you're practically famous.

The sleepover bandit?

That's us?

Don't you watch criminals at large?

You should.

They're watching you.

You're astounding, Harvey.

So, you rob banks.

That's impressive. Lots of little old lady savings accounts and Cub Scout dues

and homeless orphan Christmas funds. Is that what...

We never stole a penny from anybody who earned it, lady.

That money's federally insured by the government.

The government steals money from people, and we just take it back from them.

Any more questions?

I've got a pair of toothbrushes.

Didn't have time to pack.

God, no one's that thick.

Look down.

May I?

What are you doing here?

Cleaning my teeth.

I mean, manic depression, delusion, I understand all of that. It's very

impressive, but do you know how many germs are on your finger? That kind of

defeats the purpose.

Well, if you don't give me a toothbrush, I don't have much option, do I?

I don't think you're crazy at all, you know that?

I think you're bored.

I think you're bored with your life, and you're expecting that some miracle's

gonna drop out of the sky and suddenly make everything better, or at least

hopeful, because you lost hope a long time ago.

And your marriage sucks.

But I'm sorry, Kate, we can't help you.

You don't know me. You only think you do.

You're joking.

Saw it in a movie.

How did it end?

With a wedding.

Beavers and ducks.

I'm angry.

Maybe it's why I've been running out of hope.

Because I'm tired of my fault.

Because I picked the wrong life.

The Valley Spirit is a woman.

use her root at the gateway of heaven, and it will never fail.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Not a clue.

I'm hoping that it means figure out what you want and just take it.

Oh, please.

Well, like robbing and bang?

Like that, yeah.

My life would have been simple.

I don't know what to do.

I'm always in the dark.

We're living in a powder keg, giving off sparks.

Once upon a time, I was falling in love.

Now I'm only falling apart.

Nothing I can do.

Total eclipse of the heart.

Once upon a time there was light in my life.

Now there's only love in the dark.

Nothing I can do.

Total eclipse of the heart.

Yeah, Bonnie Tyler, Total Eclipse of the Heart.

It's the ultimate sappy chick song. It's not a sappy chick song. It's very

sappy. No, it's not.

You're having a really hard day. This is the song that all girls... It's an epic

haiku to the complexity... What?

It's a haiku to the complexity of love.

It's also pretty embarrassing for guys.

When that song was out, they used to listen to it on the radio.

I have to admit, I get a little misty.

Really?

I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention that to anyone.

I won't do it, so... Thanks.

Oops.

It's all right, I get it.

Oh, my God.

Stay on the covers.

You know what other song jacked me up when I was a kid?

The song about the pony, Wildfire. You know that song?

Oh, I love that pony song.

I love old pony songs.

Really? Yeah.

It's the one that goes, ride, pony, ride.

That's my thing, darling. It's close. It's a horse. Wasn't the pony called

No, this pony was called Wildfire. It busted down the stall.

Busted down the stall. You remember that?

Joe, the 24 -hour rule is all that stands between us and chaos.

Are you listening to me?

We're at kind of a crossroads here, and I want you to be very clear about my

meaning. I'm changing the 24 -hour rule, okay?

No, no, no, you don't understand. She's a missing person.

Missing meaning that someone's looking for her.

You get it? I'm changing the 24 -hour rule.

May I help you?

Oh, I'm sorry. We're here to rob your bank.

It's a disorder that affects your ability to regulate sleep and

I thought he was dead.

No, that's cataplexy, a secondary symptom.

Sudden loss of voluntary muscle control.

I just have one question. Why now?

Well, in Laird's case, emotional stress is the primary igniter.

Do you have a guest bedroom here, ma 'am?

You step right over here in the manager's office. Go ahead.

You never know what's going to happen during a robbery. That's the thing.

There's always a surprise of some kind, you know, beyond your control. But, I

mean, the thing is that you have to remain calm under pressure and think on

feet. No, no. All I'm saying is it just seems a little silly falling asleep

during a bank robbery.

Well, it may appear silly to you, but there's a perfectly reasonable

explanation.

I'm sorry. I'm a little nervous.

It's okay, Larry.

Nothing to be nervous about.

You see, my body chemistry is extraordinarily sensitive to suggestion.

Any symptom can be manufactured given the right circumstances. And that, by

way, doesn't mean it isn't real.

Jesus,

this stuff is hot.

Go get Mrs. Fife.

So I met this girl, and, you know, I wanted to impress her, so I said...

You want to see me light my hands on fire?

You know, because I bet you've never seen anything like that before.

And she said, well, what about your head?

Your head? Yeah, my head.

Like, I don't have the proper gear for that kind of stun. At least not yet.

No way.

But she wouldn't listen, you know.

Flaming hands wasn't enough.

She wanted to see me set my head on fire.

So what'd you do?

Singed off half my hair.

A little bit more, sweetheart.

Here you go. Is he coming around? Because we really need him to come

you understand? We don't have much time. This is ridiculous.

Guys,

we have a problem. We've got multiple bogeys at 9 o 'clock.

What the hell is that?

It's the drive -up window.

Someone's at the drive -up at 8 o 'clock in the morning.

What do we do?

Nothing. Hello?

I'm telling you, you act too eager like that, Dottie's never going to give you a

second look.

Women do not respond to need.

It's the police.

Good morning.

Where's Dottie?

Who? The drive -up girl.

Oh, I'm sorry, Dottie, of course.

Sick with what?

Vaginitis.

She's been suffering from an abnormal vaginal discharge.

It's a common symptom, a viscous fluid usually associated with, well,

It's usually associated with vaginitis.

All clear, Bubba.

You all right?

That was great.

Exciting, right? Yeah.

Why a college parking lot?

There's lots of cars around, even in the morning.

Leave the Jaguar here.

No gambling.

I'll see you in Tonopah in two weeks, you understand?

Yeah, all right, two weeks. You hear me?

He'll get tired of her. It just takes time. You'll see.

I don't know. Kate's a special lady.

Kate is an iceberg waiting for the Titanic.

Has anybody seen Kate Wheeler?

Local authorities are investigating the possible connection between the missing

woman and the latest in a series of bank robberies committed by the sleepover

bandits. Wheeler vanished just 24 hours before the robbery of the San Andreas

Bank. Her abandoned automobile was discovered a short distance... from the

automobile belonging to bank manager Lawrence Fife.

But a much bigger question remains unanswered, people.

Who exactly are these mystery men?

In a related development, a federal task force has been assembled to try to

piece together this whole mystery.

Is there a connection between the missing woman and the sleepover bandits?

Is Kate Wheeler associated with the sleepover bandits, or is she part of the

gang? We'll keep you updated right here as this whole story unfolds on Criminals

at Large.

All good people read good books.

Now your functions are clear. I hear you talk, girl. Now your functions are

clear.

In the morning when I wipe my brow, wipe the miles away.

Harvey? Yeah?

Do you remember what I said about conspicuous behavior?

Keeping a low profile.

Are you achieving it, do you think?

Yeah. Good boy.

What do you think of my boots?

Very lifelike.

19.

We'll be right there. Just so you know, I gotta be up my ass about you two.

Congratulations, Kate.

You're a famous missing person.

Practically a TV star.

Different for you, bad for us.

You'd think we'd pretty much try to keep ourselves out of the spotlight whenever

possible. Nobody saw me. Barely left the room.

Go home!

No. Yes!

Joe! It's up to Kate.

It's up to Kate.

Hi, Carrie Lee.

We went shopping.

Call me my first guy.

You went shopping?

Yeah, we went shopping. What's the big deal?

We had a wig.

We had a hat.

For those long, sunny days on the land.

What do you think? I don't care about it. I've told you. Hey, what happened to

Kate?

You made a joke.

I made a little love joke.

So, Joe, is she worth it?

I mean, in theory, isn't one woman just like the next?

So I was just wondering, you know, I mean, is she worth it?

She's got saliva in her mouth.

Well, of course she's got saliva in her mouth. Everybody does this glandular.

She's got more.

Really? How much?

A lot.

A lot? Well, that sounds like some sort of tumor in the parented gland. You

know, rabies is transferred that way by saliva.

No one has ever kissed me like that before.

Ever.

Law enforcement officials have finally discovered the identities of the

sleepover bandits.

Joe Blake and Terry Collins escaped from an Oregon State Penitentiary just three

months ago.

Today, for the first time ever, Blake and Collins were added to both the FBI

the federal marshal's top ten most wanted list. And not only that, but a

-million dollar reward was offered for their capture.

The identities of these modern -day Robin Hoods were first confirmed by two

teenage hostages who were taken after the amazing prison break.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for your cooperation.

Please make no attempt to escape as we will be monitoring the police scanner

will kill you if you do. Thanks again for your cooperation.

Bye, Joe. Bye, Terry.

That's great. Bye, Joe. Bye, Terry. Did you hear that?

Love you.

Harvey? Harvey?

Aren't we supposed to be following the guy to the rendezvous?

The girl?

Number one lesson how to get a girl. Play hard to get. Let's go. You think

needs a ride? No. I think she needs a ride.

I think I need a ride. Let's go.

Accelerate and go.

Go.

Isn't this the only room?

Don't worry, we'll find you. You just rest your little head, young lady.

Rivera!

It's okay.

We got him.

You are really.

You better call 911. We've got a major accident here. We're probably going to

need an ambulance.

I mean, the condition of things is just... I don't think they should

even move us. I'm not sure we should even be moving at all.

I mean, we should be, like, restrained.

We're just... Scotland with a bunch of sheep? I don't know what this is all

about. Hey!

You all right?

Are you all right? I need a stabilizing collar. You probably do, too. You can't

just... We shouldn't even be moving around.

And now there's sirens in my head. I probably have a concussion. Wait. Do you

understand? That's not your head.

Listen, those are... You hear them, too? Yeah, it's the police. We should go.

Come on. Let's go right now.

Oh, sirens. Come on down here, hey! Listen, yeah, like real sirens. You need

go up. Listen to me. Pay attention to me. Listen to me.

You've got to get Kate and get out of here now. I'll get the money, all right?

Are you okay? No, no. Are you all right? Go, go.

You okay?

Go with Terry and get out of here now!

You all right?

Kate, go!

Take her.

Gone now.

His car's still here.

Well, he can get another car. As a matter of fact, he can get another girl.

He wouldn't leave without me.

Kate, memo to yourself.

Joe is not exactly the flowers and hearts kind of guy, if you haven't

And when it comes to running from the police, you don't figure into his

thinking, or mine either, okay?

Well, I'm not leaving without him.

Suit yourself.

Well, what are you going to do?

What am I going to do? I'll tell you exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going

flee from the scene of the crime in the nick of time. That's what I'm going to

do. And I'm going to give myself a couple of weeks to get my heart rate

normal. And then I'm going to join Joe at the other bank, okay?

That's what I'm going to do.

Well, I'm going with you.

You stay away from me forever.

Please don't hurt me, Dad.

He knows.

You are one lucky fella.

I am? I got the last room in town.

Oh, but that won't do. I need two rooms.

No, no such thing. You see all those cars out there? It's a Debbie Day

convention. I've never seen so much pink in my goddamn life.

It's a hell of a thing to do to an automobile.

Right. I don't care what it is. I have to have two rooms.

Do you want the room or not?

or whatever it is.

Scared me half to death.

You?

I was just wondering where Joe was.

Is.

Joe pretty much just likes to have a good time.

Well, a good time, basically.

Alone?

Well, you know Joe. Cultural events, museums, that kind of thing. He's a very

dedicated traveler.

He's not alone.

My husband is a terrible kisser.

That's random.

Like how? What do you mean?

Oh, the first time.

He took me to a movie.

Well, he brought me home, and I'm standing at the front door, you know,

for the inevitable, and he looms, and I'm thinking, okay, it's about time, and

then he just comes at me with his mouth. It just opens so... Oh, I...

God, it was really wide.

That's not funny.

No, I actually, I tried to adjust to the kiss size. It was huge.

It dislocated my jaw.

You can't hear that?

Kind of.

Can I hear it once?

It's really loud.

Oh, yeah, baby.

That's, I mean, that's loud.

He dislocated my jaw and I still married him.

I don't know the first thing about love.

I know I look like I do, but I... I don't... Not really.

Love is a wish that hides in your heart and nobody knows about it.

Love is blinding.

An eternity in a single moment.

A religion worth dying for.

It's also time -consuming.

Yeah.

And a pain in the ass and a hole in the heart and that sort of thing.

Not necessarily that order, but I'd like to think it is.

It's in tight.

Many happy returns. Oh, gosh.

Oh, this is going to be one of those. Really?

Do you... Hey, do you want me to scare you?

No, that's for... Oh, no, no. No,

don't. That's not... Don't be frightened.

What are you doing to me?

You're not helping. You're not helping. Good.

I'm sorry.

Did I scare you?

Sorry. A bit hard there.

You're dribbling a bit, but you're not sneezing.

I have food allergies.

Tell me about it.

And other phobias.

Like what?

Like, uh...

Descrophobia. What's that?

Well, I was in high school. It's a fear of getting smaller.

I lost two inches in six months.

I mean, that's quite significant. Harry is still here.

And antique furniture scares me half to death.

What's that called?

Well, I don't think there's a name for it. I believe I'm the only one. Oh, no,

no, no. Anything before 1950 just gives me the heebie -jeebies.

Benjamin Disraeli's hair.

There's a problem there. I'm afraid of Charles Lawton, actually.

Well, black and white movies.

Black and white movies? I just can't eat in front of... Oh, my God, I can't

either.

You know what? I think it's better to feel too much than feel too little.

I never thought of it that way, but... Oh, no, you're blinking again.

It's just an intramedial anomaly.

Maybe if I... It's okay.

You see, there's this neural factory between the eyes. Between the eyes?

Sort of right in the... Exactly.

Oh, okay.

Oh, yes.

Yeah, I can feel it. That kind of thing. It's an outgoing message to the nervous

system, that kind of thing. It's an embarrassment, fear.

Oh, it's big, yeah.

Love and hate.

That's a biggie.

Shoot up to the stony ground.

There's no road.

Oh my God.

No space to rent in this town.

You're out of luck.

And the reason that you can't care, the traffic is stuck.

And you're not moving anywhere.

You thought you found it.

There's a scientist in London who used electric shocks to prove that

have feelings.

Terry, you're not a cockroach.

You're more like a beaver.

A beaver?

In a good way.

In a cute way.

I feel like a cockroach.

I mean, that's assuming that...

Cockroaches are capable of making mistakes that blow apart the world they

in.

Well, if you're a cockroach, what does that make me?

Here. Were we ever wondering about you two guys?

We were wondering and wondering and wondering.

Hey, Joe.

Hi. Welcome back.

Missed you.

Yeah. Yeah, we missed you too.

Joe,

can I talk to you for a minute in private?

Because God knows it's a shock to me.

It was more like a revelation of some kind. And yet shocking.

Like a shocking revelation.

I was right about Kate's kisses, wasn't I?

Hmm?

Let me keep her, okay?

I mean, even if you kill me, I don't give a shit. I just want to know what it

feels like to have her to myself before I die, okay?

I'm not going to do that. I can't do that. Why, Joe?

I mean, remember, this is like a hobby to you.

I have to see all the time. It sort of makes you feel like a million bucks or

something like... But it never happens for me. Not once, Joe.

Not once has this ever happened for me. Do you understand the significance of

that?

Yeah.

You do?

So we agree.

We let Kate choose, right? No, no, no, of course not. That's a terrible idea.

It's a horrible idea.

Because she'll choose you.

Are you boys sure you don't want to kick my tires?

Yeah. Or, I don't know, flip a coin?

Unless you think that these are incredibly shallow solutions to a

complicated problem that may require a little delicacy and understanding.

Yeah, that's the last part.

Maybe you're right, Kate. You should choose.

So choose.

What's it going to be? It's going to be, uh...

Mr.. Action figure hero guy here or brains and Sensitivity and a lot

of other things I could name I said other words me or that guy yeah Good

-looking or itchy what if I don't want to?

Don't want to what choose We have to choose What are you talking about

That's the point right?

I know this is confusing. I mean believe me. I'm a little

I confused myself.

You stole my girl? You take her away for two weeks and you brainwashed her.

Brainwashed her?

Hey!

Hey! Would you stop it? Stop it! Excuse me? Would you stop it?

It's understandable, given my state of mind. But then what do I do?

I sleep with bank robber number one because he's strong and he's handsome

and he knows what he wants. There you go.

Makes sense to me. I don't stop there.

Oh, no, not this little red hen.

Due to circumstances beyond the boundaries of any life I've ever known,

with bank robber number two.

And he is sweet.

And he deserves more than he thinks he does.

Exactly.

Now, the heart's a mysterious organ.

And it, you know, plays by its own rules.

I don't want to choose.

You know, I don't think I can.

And, you know, if that's scary or against the laws of, you know, man or

whatever, then... I mean, you're outlaws, right?

Guess I'm an outlaw too And

I

look up and I See these two cars headed, you know right by each other and they

collide right and there's this this redheaded woman That's there. She's

hauled off into the other car

The Nevada, California teenager had no way of knowing he was about to capture

the stunning footage of the sleepover bandits and the missing woman, Kate

Wheeler. In this Criminals at Large exclusive, the missing woman's husband

a plea to the men who hold his wife hostage.

Please, wherever you are, return my wife to me.

Kate, if you're listening, I want you to know that I'm okay.

I hope you're holding up well. I hope these gentlemen are treating you

in the way you should be treated.

Speaking of which, I'm going to Spain next week, so if your kidnappers

would like to contact me, they can get in touch with my people, and you know

they are.

And the house is waiting for you right here, where you belong.

And the house misses you. I miss you.

I miss him. He has no idea where I belong.

You belong here.

Yeah, with us.

Turn it into a nightclub and a resort.

A nightclub? Yep.

And Joe will work the room, and I'll run the kitchen.

Have a spa or something like that. What does a lady like me do in paradise?

Don't be rude.

Yeah, you can do whatever you want.

You can do whatever you want. Whatever I want? Drink margaritas, get your toes

painted. You pick it. What would you say, if you could do anything, what

it be? Whatever I want. Yeah, whatever you want.

All right.

I want to sing.

Well, we need a singer. We need a singer for a nightclub we talked about there.

That's all about it, yeah.

Do you want to... Do you got a thing right now? Do you want me to sing for

Come on. Okay. There it is.

All right, come on.

Okay, oldie but a goodie.

If you see me walking down the street And I start to cry

Each time we meet

How are you feeling?

Well, my system's been a flurry of activity tonight. First I had a rapid

heartbeat, then spots, had a prickly sensation in my feet, then there's a

hearing loss in one ear. Oh, that's not what I mean.

Kate, there are guys who leave, and there are guys who get left.

I don't think it's any mystery as to which category I fall into.

Terry Lee, I'm not leaving you.

Say? Yeah.

Good night. Good night. Let that thing that's going.

What are you doing?

Did I

get the secret

knock right?

You did.

Yeah, it was perfect.

Really missed you in no way.

about headaches my brother albert had horrible headaches migraines no brain

tumor we smelled burning feathers for a whole year you're joking no is some the

tumor was pressing on some gland or something above isn't it all factories

apparently it's extra sensitive burning feathers explain it they smell them all

the time all the time 24 hours a day burning feathers great were there any

Hot damn, I knew it. You're the boys from TV, the sleepover bandits.

I guess that means I'm a hostage.

Well, you better come on in. We've got to get started. Come on, come on.

Could you do me a favor?

Could you look at my pupils and tell me if they're the same?

Are they different sizes? Are they the same?

I'm not a doctor. Please humor me.

Well, the right one looks smaller.

Jesus Christ, don't tell me that. You asked.

Do you smell burning feathers?

No.

Brain tumor. I know I do. What? Yeah, the guy there. He told me my pupils are

different sizes. You're kidding me. Uh -huh.

Jesus. First my brother and now you.

God.

Pink.

Harvey! Harvey!

Hey!

What do you mean, no?

That's what I said, no.

Good manners are no excuse for criminal behavior.

I am not opening the safe. I am not giving you the money.

You know we're armed, right?

Oh, you wouldn't hurt a flea, Joe. Everybody knows that.

I'm stumped. How about you?

Just give us a little bit of the money. Be reasonable. A hundred grand of it is

insured by the government.

Hey, just get back there. Go on, just get back there. What the hell's wrong

you? My bank.

I'm guessing there's a good reason for this. Oh, it's a missing woman.

I almost forgot.

There's police outside.

Where's Harvey? I don't know.

Will you get back there, please, ma 'am? Look, there's the police right there.

Do you know where the bathroom is? It was in the back there. I hope it's

I can't believe this.

I'm sorry to bother you with this phone number.

But it's after 8 o 'clock, and you haven't turned the sign on yet, and I

maybe you just forgot the old clear again.

Ah, Edgar, aren't you sweet. Well, I'll get right on it. Say, you know, I was

wondering, I sure could use some cash since I'm here.

Sure, since you're here.

Come in, officer.

Right this way.

Thanks.

Uh, 50 bucks okay?

You've been very successful.

Uh, what do you attribute that to? Courage, it takes a lot of that.

It's 500.

These are hundreds.

Oh, bank error in your favor.

Game board tentative thing.

Surprise.

That's funny. I think I've seen you someplace before.

It's my faith. I have, you know, I have an average faith. You know how people

think that you get, you look like every man.

I don't know.

Thanks, Mr. Cronenberg.

Have a good day.

All right.

Wait, wait, wait. I forgot my glasses. Come on. Come on.

Get!

Come on.

What? Terry, get the keys.

Help me!

Come on, come on. Get this cap off.

Where are they? Mildred, where are they?

That way.

Stop!

Stop! Stop! Stop the car! Police! Emergency!

There's a car! Police car! Look! Get in there! Go!

Go! Go!

Can't just leave him there.

Nothing we can do for him now.

He'd go back for you if he had to.

I'll be so sure about that.

Joe, this is Terry we're talking about. Remember your friend Terry?

That's it. That's it.

Now, Pollard.

You know, Darren, I mean, I got to be honest with you. It's not that

You walk in, you ask for the money, you walk out.

Listen, I don't want to wreck you, but this would probably be a good time to

make your getaway.

Let's go. Come on.

Let's go.

Get away.

Get away. Let's go. Let's go. Put that down.

Go. Go.

Go.

Dispatch, this is Lincoln Six. We have an armed robbery.

Is it not enough that every cop in the western states, along with every mouth

-breathing reporter, is on our ass?

Do you have to sabotage us from within? I didn't do it on purpose. That's not

the point.

The point is you're dangerous, and you're dense, and you're stupid.

You're fired.

No way I quit.

Harvey. Call it what you want. Well, he's right. You know, I'm not a bank

robber. I'm a stuntman.

Besides, you don't need me. You got Kate.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

I quit.

You could have put us back in jail, Harvey.

I'm sorry, Joe.

Maybe I'll see you guys in Mexico.

It's not mine, I stole it.

What are you gonna do now?

Drive to Hollywood.

Yeah, why?

I'm gonna start a band.

You wanna come with me?

No.

Hey, Terry. Yeah?

Remember when I told you about my brother, the one with the brain tumor,

always smelling burning feathers?

It's emblazoned on my brain forever.

You know, he never quit.

Never gave up trying right to the very end.

Hey, Joe.

I know just how he feels.

Good night, Joe.

You guys, you guys, I mean, you've been together for quite a while.

Do you still have good friends still?

Oh, sure.

Absolutely. People say there's no honor among thieves. Totally wrong. Right,

Joe? Totally wrong.

Darren, it's like Lewis and Clark.

You got Lewis.

He's stuck somewhere out there in Africa, lost in the African wilderness.

And Clark,

Al Clark, I think his name was, he drops what he's doing.

And he goes to find him. He goes to find Lewis, and you know why? Because of

friendship. That's why.

For God's sake, Joe. It was Stanley and Livingston, not Lewis and Clark. You

see, Lewis and Clark tried to find the Northwest Passage with the help of this

statuesque Indian maiden, but she probably... But they were friends, okay?

Of course they were. He was asking us about friendship. You always got to

correct me.

I'm sorry.

You're right.

You're right.

I couldn't sleep.

I was thinking maybe that you and I could go to another place. Where's Joe?

He's asleep.

Sound asleep.

Terry? Yes, he sounds asleep. If we could maybe come down to this bar down

at the thing and maybe just sit there and have a nightcap or something like

that.

It's really nothing.

Oh, no. Gosh, not at all. I mean, you know, live.

You know, act like it's the last, most important thing you'll ever do in your

life. Please.

All right, I'll just get a coat.

Okay.

I see the crystal raindrop fall, and the beauty of it all, when the sun comes

shining through.

I love this song.

Actually, I never heard it before. I have to press A1 on these things. It's

obsessive compulsive thing. It's a pretty song. I haven't played it six

Please. Get in the car, and we'll just drive and drive and drive and drive, and

then we'll stop at the perfect place, and we'll stay there for as long as we

want to, and then we'll get back in the car, and then we'll drive and drive and

drive and drive, and we'll find another perfect place.

This is kind of sudden.

This is crazy.

Well, not to me.

Hi,

dear. Hello.

How's it going?

Hey, Joe.

What's going on?

How much?

You here by yourself?

You okay?

I'm having trouble feeling my lips a little. And I'm numb.

A little bit numb. Oh, boy.

Joe.

Hi.

I thought you were asleep.

Yeah.

I was asleep.

You woke up.

Anybody want to dance?

No, I don't think so. Why don't you dance with me?

I'm not me.

I'm not really a dancer.

Oh, you're a fake dancer. I can feel my arm.

I'd rather not, Kate.

You all right?

Just have fun.

You all right? Oh, yeah, I'm just fine.

Yeah, well, it's just a moment.

Actually, I'm very, very light on my feet. Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I'm a pretty good dancer. There you go. Hold right there.

Looking good, Terry.

Looking pretty strong.

Oh, dance with me, Kate.

Oh, maybe you should do one of these.

Happy? What, honey?

Mind if I cut in?

Yeah, sure.

I've lost the beat.

Don't you think we should... No, no, he'll be fine. Just take a little rest.

Run away with me, Kate.

We could get in the car and just drive and drive and drive.

That is a great idea.

What about Mexico?

Mexico will wait.

Terry. Terry, we just have to wait till... Come on.

I am so confused.

In what way?

In every possible way.

Just come on outside with me for a minute. I've got a hot milk.

What? I've got Terry some hot milk. I'll just get him the hot milk.

I'll check on Terry.

You all right?

Here, get you some milk. Help you sleep.

Lactose intolerant.

You what?

Lactose intolerant. You're lactose intolerant?

Oh. Severe diarrhea.

Severe diarrhea.

We're out.

I'll just be outside here on the porch.

Hey, do you smell burning feathers?

Burning feathers?

Joe's older brother, Albert.

He smells burning feathers.

He had a brain tumor.

Joe doesn't have an older brother.

I have no right side.

No right side? Is that what Joe told you? Can you feel this?

Oh, oh, yes, I feel that. It hurt.

Joe doesn't have a brother?

No brother.

Albert?

No Albert.

So the burning feathers was a lie?

Yep.

You're sure?

Positive.

Where is Joe?

Outside.

Joe, I've been thinking. Yeah, me too.

I've been thinking that I don't have a brain tumor because you never had a

brother. And I can walk, too. Did you notice that? Joe, look at me. I'm

I'm walking around you. Never cheat a pal.

Never cheat a pal. Isn't that what you always say? You cheated me first. I did

not. You cheated me first. Yes, you did.

What about paradise?

I don't give a damn about paradise.

I'm out of here.

Well, guess what?

Me too. Okay? Happy?

You won't make it a week without me and you know it. I will with Kate.

Over my dead body!

I won't want you to do this to each other.

I just... I... I can't.

I'd rather see you in prison. Leave there, you'd be safe from each other.

And yes, I'm aware that this is entirely my own fault. It's just that I... I bit

off a little bit more than I could chew, but I... I've just never felt this way

before, and I... I... I can't choose between you.

has one big love. I mean, I know this one's a little bit bigger than usual,

what if we only have one?

And you know why I can't choose between you?

Because together you're the perfect man.

Kate.

Kate, we weren't really going to even... Right? Yeah.

I'm sorry, boys.

It's over.

Because I'm not your dog.

Because I'm not your

dog.

I'm not your dog.

I'm not your dog. I'm not your dog.

Big,

isn't it?

It's just a bag.

Big. Yeah.

Oh, my

God,

it's them.

They're here.

Oh, my, my.

Kate Wheeler may have started out as a hostage, but she's looking more and more

like a bank robber to me.

That's ridiculous. There's no way you can calculate the impact of her... This

Patty Hearst all over again. Call Patty Hearst. Which was a mistake.

I think everybody pretty much acknowledged that at this point.

Hold on a minute. I tell you love her right now?

Both of us. Yeah, she knows it. Listen, listen.

I miss you.

Joe misses you.

What I'm trying to say is... We both miss you.

Equally, equally.

We both miss you equally.

Hi, hi. How you doing?

Mm -hmm.

Well, we've been, we've been, um, thinking.

I've been doing some thinking for you.

Uh -huh. What were you thinking?

Well, I can't live like this. I mean, that's the first thing.

Well, which is entirely our fault, and we take full responsibility.

It's really, absolutely.

No, it doesn't matter whose fault it is.

None anymore.

Listen to me.

What if I told you there was a way out of this?

One more big score, okay? Just one, nice and safe.

Oh, I don't like the sound of that.

Well, no more tricks, no more tricks, no more sleepovers.

We just walk in, we show them our guns, we take the money. You show them your

gun? But we've got it all figured out.

No, no, I can't let you do this.

Oh, no, please don't do this.

It's a really bad idea.

Kate, Kate, listen to me. Listen to me.

This will work.

Okay? The reward for the capture of Joe Blake and Terry Collins has been doubled

to a million dollars.

The question now is how much longer the two can continue their crimes free.

Their faces are known to just about everyone.

Good morning. How you doing?

Let's go.

Outside. Come on.

Go on.

Keep moving, Shorty.

Oh, my God!

What are you guys doing here? Shut up.

All right, all right. Come on, you two. In front of us. In front of us. Here we

go. Good evening, everybody. I'm Darren Head, and welcome to Criminals at Large.

We have a very interesting and unusual show for you this evening. If you can

look behind me, you see that we're not here on the set of Criminals at Large.

We're broadcasting tonight out of my home, out of my living room.

The sleepover band is Joe Blake and Terry Collins. They're sitting with me.

They wanted to set the record straight about Kate Wheeler. I want to say to

to the American public,

to all of the law enforcement agencies out there across America.

Kate Wheeler was never involved in the bank robberies with us. She was our

hostage. She was an unwilling hostage. She would never, ever...

Ladies and gentlemen, good morning. You are about to be robbed.

I'm keeping up.

Keep your hands where I can see them. Where's the bank manager?

Very good. Sir, come with me.

Okay, nobody move. Lay down with those gentlemen right there on the floor. Lay

down. I mean, they've gone ballistic. I've never heard them talk like this

before, and they're armed, and they're dangerous, and I think they're serious.

All right,

let's make contact with them.

SWAT team is standing around.

The helicopters are overhead.

It's an incredible scene here at the Alamo Savings and Loan.

Yeah,

let me tell you something. This is Joe Blake, okay? You will never take us

alive. Do you understand me?

Now, we want safe passage to Burbank Airport, and we want a plane to fly us

of there.

No, no, no, no. No more phone calls, okay?

You just do what I ask you.

Hey, you are not going to take us alive!

You're not going to take us alive?

That's right.

Great thinking, Joe.

How about they will not take you alive?

You know, I'm flattered that you've included me in your little going out in

hail of gunfire kind of concept and everything, but I think you've gone

frankly. The troops are moving in here. The SWAT team is moving in. The

helicopters are overhead.

If you look in the background, you can see Joe Blake and Terry Collins are in

the back. The hostages are still in there. Everybody hold your position.

I'm all through running, Terry.

Well, guess what? I am too.

But I got a better idea.

I'm going to throw down my weapon and put my hands in the air and go back to

federal penitentiary where Kate Wheeler wants us.

Can't let you do that. Oh, really?

What if I don't give you that option?

Everybody hold your position.

Guys, just hold on one second. Put that gun down.

Make me.

Make me? Yes, make me! It's the third grade. You can't do anything better than

that. Well -turned phrasements at this point, Joe. The suspects are in a

standoff with themselves.

Put your gun down!

And it looks like somebody's coming out of the back. Somebody's coming out of

the back.

Joe Blake and Terry Collins are in there.

Put it down.

Shut up, shut up!

You got shots fired inside.

You shot me!

You bastard!

Oh, God!

Be advised, the suspects are shooting at each other.

appear to be down inside.

Red team, go. Red team, go.

Secure them.

Oh, damn it.

What is she doing?

Come on, let's go.

This is unbelievable.

Joe Blake and Terry Collins are down.

Police shot them, but they shot themselves, and it looks like Kate

on the stairs, and she fainted. And if you follow the story the last couple of

weeks, you know that Kate Wheeler is a woman that turned in the sleepover

bandit.

Let's get some help up here for Miss Wheeler.

Let's move, now.

We'll be picking her up. Come on, get a shot of her. We'll let her out later.

Just get a shot of her, right there.

Are they dead?

Ms. Wheeler, you fainted on the steps there. Were you in shock? What happened

there? Yes, I was in complete shock.

Ms.

Wheeler, is it true that you tipped off the police today's bank robbery?

Yes, I did.

But none of this was...

It was supposed to happen. I just wanted them to stop.

All right, what's up? Hey! You safe?

You safe?

Good morning, sunshine.

Open the bag.

Here, open it up. Come on, let's go.

Great job, you guys. Great job.

Okay,

let's go. Grab the money. Come on, come on.

Hey.

Get out of here.

It's paradise.

Do I?

Better wait for me. Can I bring the sunscreen?

And the million dollar reward.

And so ends the tragic tale of the sleepover bandit.

Or does it?

Joe Blake and Terry Collins captured the imagination of a nation.

And in death, their lives are quickly becoming the stuff of legends.

Blake and Collins weren't heroes. They never claimed to be.

After the interview, people came up to me and said, what were they really like?

I know as much as anybody else.

They robbed banks. They certainly kidnapped the wrong woman.

They shot each other to death in cold blood.

The rest is rumor and speculation.

Stuff of folktales.

And in the end, maybe that's the way we really want it to be.

I'm Darren Head.

We'll see you next week on another edition of Criminals at Large.

Fade to black.

I should do it.

and have pledged their love to each other, and have declared the same by the

joining and the giving of the ring.

The groom may now kiss the bride.

All right, gentlemen, so why don't we start from the beginning, all right?

How'd you guys meet?

Well, you know, lifting weights, pumping the iron, you know, in the usual way,

trading cigarettes.

Terry had imaginary appendicitis, and then he had...

Imaginary blood poisoning. I was working in the infirmary. The medical term is

septicemia, and it wasn't... Anyway, one night in the infirmary, I'm hearing

this howling sound.

Uh, Darren?

You know, like the noise a cat makes when a cat's in heat?

That little sound, you know?

One of the things we always like to remind ourselves before we go into any

was expect the unexpected, right?

Always sounds like good advice.

Except, of course, if you are expecting the unexpected, well, then it really

isn't unexpected anymore, is it?

And that leaves you vulnerable to the truly unexpected because you're not

expecting it.

Everybody saw the videotape. It's kind of famous by now with Kate Wheeler and

the bank robbery.

Why don't you, right here on this show, set the record straight about Kate

Wheeler and your operation?

I mean, the girl was terrified.

you know, with us, I think.

Both as men and as bank robbers. And didn't like us.

Never liked us. We never got along.

No. From the very first moment we met.

Don't you guys ever get really scared? I mean, this job is so dangerous.

I'm immune to danger.

I dance with danger.

I walk up to danger and tug it on the ears and sneer at it and make funny

at it. You know what? Come on is what I'm saying. You know what you have to be

like? You have to have nerves of steel. And I have a nervous system which, I

mean, as a child, God knows, I was a nervous kid. I was a nervous kid. But

get in there, there's something about the adrenaline, and what are you

at? You're immune.

I'm immune today. He's totally immune.