Original subtitles

I said Brooklyn, make some noise!

Welcome to the stage, Atsuko Okatsuka!

What's up, Brooklyn. Hey, I love you!

Hey! Yeah!

Oh, my God, we made it. Thank you so much for being here.

Oh, my God. I'm Atsuko.

Hello. Hi. Thank you.

Thank you. And you are?

That's a good thing.

I'm Atsuko. And I get spooked easily.

I do. Yeah. People, I'm so shy. Okay.

Yeah, no, I get spooked easily and people think I'm cool, you know?

Thank you. People think I'm cool.

But I will fall apart if a teenager talks to me.

No, thank you. They're terrifying.

They're the future and they know it.

They also, like, heal fast.

Yeah, no, I'm always like, "I thought that was a cut.

What do you mean in skin again?"

It's very villainous to heal that fast.

"What are you, an X-Men? No, thank you."

This is what happened. Okay.

Recently, I hung out with my teenager cousin

for the very first time with my husband.

And I was already intimidated because she's way cooler

than I ever was when I was 18.

Yeah. She wears colored contacts, full price.

She has numerous boyfriends and they all know about each other.

Excuse me?

That's so cool, you know?

So going into the hangout, I was very nervous.

I was like puffing up. I was walking in stiff.

I would like take out cigarettes and drop them, you know?

Just look like I had unlimited income

you know, like...

"I don't need these."

And things were going kind of chill, you know?

We were just small talking.

When suddenly, my cousin says the most terrifying thing to me ever

she just looked me straight in the eyes

and she went, "Hey, you skate?"

Yeah. I was like, "Excuse me?"

And she was like, "You skate?" I was like, "Do I skate?

Oh, my God, what is this, a battle?" You know?

And I just crumbled. My niece went weak and I fell.

And I also watched too, as my husband also crumbled.

Yeah. Yeah. He was like, "Do we skate?"

Well, one time we did buy a skateboard.

You mean like Tony Hawk?

And I was like, "Fuck..."

Because Tony... Tony Hawk is like so 2003, you know?

Yeah. So I was like, "I need to stop this."

I was like, "Yes. Like, Tony Hawk and other people

who came after him."

So I was like, "Yes. I saved him. Go away. Go away."

And I presented myself back to her and I was like, "Do we skate?

Yes, we do. We are skaters now."

But what just happened? What the fuck just happened, right?

Two adults crumbling in front of an 18-year-old.

I just started saying shit.

I was like, "I vape," you know, fuck.

I'm like, "What do kids say these days?

Euphoria. Timothee Chalamet," you know?

I just started saying stuff.

And you know what it was? It was gaslighting.

Yeah. Yeah. What she did was gaslight. Yeah.

Yeah, because how can you look at me? Okay?

How can you, look at me. Look at me. Looking like I own an art gallery.

How can you look at me? And my husband too. Okay.

He looks like straight out of a J.Crew sales rack.

How can you look at us and ask such a question?

"You skate?" Fuck you.

"You skate?" That is the most loaded, most terrifying thing

you can say to two adults who are already trying so hard.

"You skate?" I wanted to be like, "Use your words."

Is it ice skating, skateboarding, roller skating? I don't know.

No, we drive. Stupid. Stupid.

And then, I finally calmed down and I was like, you know what?

Maybe it's actually the perfect thing to say to someone, you know

like, next time someone trolls you online and won't quit.

Oh, just comment back.

- You skate? - Oh, shit. See? That was scary.

That was scary. Yeah. And just watch as they crumble

into confusion like we did.

Scared of teenagers. Scared of teenagers.

My grandma raised me, you know, so I didn't really hang out

with people my age growing up.

Yeah. Yeah.

You know, people always like, "Atsuko, what's wrong with you?"

Someone 50 years older than me

taught me how to socialize, okay?

Yeah. So of course

I was gonna have a weird time making friends, you know?

Yeah. Like, whenever we would try to make friends as a kid

I was always like, telling war stories

and stuff.

Trying to trade food recipes.

There was a two generation gap between me and my grandma.

And it showed, you know, like when I wanted to start dating

I was like, "Grandma, I wanna start dating."

She was like, "Dating?

I married the first boy that talked to me."

I was like, "Okay. Well, now, you're just showing off, you know."

And then, without missing a beat, she goes, "And then, he died."

I was like, "Okay.

Yeah. Well, you know, I hope I have a different story."

Because me and my grandma, we shouldn't have the same story.

We shouldn't have the same story. That would be bad, right?

That would mean no progress had been made, right?

In medicine.

Change is good. Change is good.

My grandma never talked to me about anything.

Like, I had to... I had to find out

how sex works through watching Titanic.

Yeah. Which they barely even have sex in.

So growing up, I thought you had sex in the car

and then you died, you know.

Just like my grandpa.

So, yeah, I'm kind of stunted as an adult.

You know, you're looking at a very stunted person

and when life throws me things, I'm not really prepped for it.

Yeah.

Earlier this year, my husband and I

had an intruder come to our house.

Yeah. An intruder came to our house.

An intruder to our house.

Yeah.

But technically, we rent, you know? Yeah.

So our landlord had an intruder.

We were just there to have to deal with it

because that's what paying rent is.

You pay someone else to look after their asset.

You're easily replaceable. And we know it.

Yeah. Because if we had died

oh, he would still rent the place back out

the very next day with our bodies still in it.

I know. Yeah. It's all about the money.

Landlords don't care about you. No, no.

He would be like, "Here are the keys"

to the next people, right?

"Here are the keys, this place comes with ghosts."

Yeah. White guy and an Asian girl ghost.

A classic combo. Good luck.

So me and my husband take the time to admire the house a lot.

You know, we don't know how much time we have there.

Truly, there is a corner in my house

that I sometimes take the time to stand at

just because I pay rent.

Yeah. I'm always like, "This is like, $30 right here.

Why don't I ever stand here?"

And you should do the same thing too. You should.

Every square foot in your place you paid for, right?

What are you doing? Just working in one corner of your house?

No, be proud. Walk around, you know?

He's like, "Yeah. This is about $2.

Yeah. Yeah. This is about $4."

And just hang out at $6, okay?

In fact, when was the last time you touched your ceiling?

Don't let it just collect dust. You pay for it. At least feel it.

So me and my husband, we're hanging out

in our about 30-dollar corner one day

looking at the window that overlooks our backyard saying stuff like

"God, how much longer do you think we have

in this beautiful place," you know?

We were saying exactly that.

When suddenly, a man we've never seen before appears

in our backyard. And he's looking around

with intention.

And I'm thinking, "Who is this guy? How did this guy get here?"

Because we live at the top of a very steep hill.

Yeah. You have to pass two other homes to get to us.

We've lost friends...

to that hill. They don't wanna hang out with us anymore.

They've stopped calling.

So I was like, "Fuck, we have an athlete on our hands."

The Tony Hawk of intruders.

And for those of you who are younger, someone more recent, okay?

That's who came.

So I was scared.

My husband rushes out to go confront him

because we're different.

My husband, he's the type of guy

you know, in a movie where you're like

"No, don't go towards the scary sound"

and the character does?

Like, why would you go towards the thing?

That's gonna kill you? And they do. And they die.

That's my husband.

Just always potentially dead, you know?

I'm the type of person in the movie that's like

"Oh, yeah, I'll just wait in the car.

Yeah. In case you need backup. I'll be ready.

Yeah. My phone's charged at 9%."

I got the fighting style of a baby, you know, strong thighs

clear eyes, can't lose, you know?

That's me. That's me.

My husband rushes out. He goes, "Hey!

What are you doing here?"

Which is how you're supposed to approach a bear...

I'm realizing.

And I know this from the lots and lots of reading

I did during the pandemic. Yeah...

I... I get inspired by other people's lifestyles a lot.

And I get lost in it. I get really lost in it.

Yeah. Like... like, I really thought

that I was gonna start planting lettuce.

Yeah, no, you too?

Yeah, no, I really woke up one day thinking

"Oh, I plant lettuce now."

And my husband had to remind me that that's not my personality.

He stopped me physically.

He was like, "Stop! Stop! That's someone else's interest."

I was like, "Oh, my God, it is.

This is not my interest."

But I already had the lettuce ready to plant, you know.

He slapped it out of my hand.

He was like, "Stop it. You are not a farmer."

I was like, "You're right. You are right.

I am a Los Angeles comedian."

It was beautiful that he did that, right?

He saved me a lot of time.

Possibly years from living out someone else's identity

or else I could still be out there tonight

is what I'm saying, right?

Living my new life. Just like, "Lettuce, two for five.

Two for five. Two for five. Oh, yeah."

That could be my new life. He saved me.

We all needed someone to tell us that.

At the beginning of the pandemic, you know

all of us we're waking up inspired by someone else's Instagram.

Just like, "Oh, my God. I think I'm a hiker now."

No, you're not, bitch.

No, you're not. Okay.

"Oh, my God. I think I solve puzzles now."

No, you don't.

No, you don't. It's still in the box. I've seen you.

And you might be like, "Well, Atsuko, Atsuko, what are your interests?"

You know, "What are your interests? If it's not farming?" You know?

And it's like, "I don't think I particularly have any."

But hey, you know what? That's also a personality too.

Yeah. And that should be empowering. Yes, my fellow basic person.

Yes. Yeah, that's... If you're like

"I also don't have hobbies or interests."

That's okay.

That's okay. Look at me. Look at me.

You are still a whole person. You are.

You are. I'm proud of you. Yes, I'm proud. Yes.

Give it up for my, my fellow basic bitch.

No, 'cause truly. What? We're... We were all gonna make sourdough?

No, think about it. We were all gonna make sourdough, right?

We can't all be bakers. No, right? Because someone's gotta be the buyer.

That's how the economy works.

And I'm just saying that's me, okay?

I have no skills, so I buy your things that you make.

You're welcome.

So my husband just shouted at the guy.

The guy is unfazed because he's not a bear.

So my husband starts to shake his hand in the air like this

as if to summon something.

And the guy kind of starts to do it back, as if to mock him.

So I was like, "Oh, no, this isn't good." Yeah.

So I go inside and I start gathering weapons.

Whatever I can find, you know?

I secure a fire extinguisher, a kitchen knife

and a shovel, you know?

Three things you can't really carry at the same time.

So I was like, "Don't stab yourself, don't stab yourself."

And I start plotting. I was like, "Okay.

So what I'm gonna do is..."

Well, maybe you guys can help me out.

Which one of these things would you use first

to attack an intruder?

- Shovel. - Shovel? Okay.

I heard you, one with the shovel. Just swing it around?

What? Just... Just... Yeah. Okay. All right. Swing it around. Okay.

And then, no, you're dead. You're dead.

We need contact. Okay. Who's next? Come on.

- He's here. Look alive. - Fire extinguisher.

Fire extinguisher? Okay. So fire extinguisher.

Spray, spray. Spray him. Spray him. Okay, okay.

And then... And then, what? Kitchen knife? Any takers?

- Knife. - Knife? What with a knife?

- Stab him. - Stab him where?

You're dead, too.

I don't know. Never tried it. Yeah, me neither.

We're all scared. Everyone?

Hello? Anybody? New York?

- Hello? - Nothing to hide.

I thought you were an aggressive kind, huh?

- What? What'd you say? - Left side of the torso.

Left side of the torso. We got a poet.

We got a poet right here. You will live.

Left side of the torso. Why?

- It's where the vital organs are. - It's where the vital organs are.

An essential worker and a poet.

I like it. So that's what I'm doing too.

I'm also plotting left side of the... left side of the torso.

Just like they did Jesus. I don't know.

I just picture...

Didn't that happen?

It was an essential worker that finished him off, right?

Someone was about to do it on the right, and they're like, "No!

Only on the left side."

"Yeah. That's the Crip side." No, no. So that's...

So that's what I'm doing. I'm also plotting.

My husband rushes out.

He goes, "Call the cops." I was like, "The cops?

But I have this all figured out.

Yeah. No, I called my friends. Yeah. What I'm gonna do is take the shovel.

I'm gonna swing it around, swing it around.

It's gonna confuse him.

And then, I'm gonna take the fire extinguisher.

Spray and spray him.

And then, I'm gonna take that kitchen knife

and just cut the left side of the torso.

A nurse told me.

My husband goes, "Are you serious?"

I was like, "You're right. You're right. I will call the cops.

We need backup. I don't know what I'm doing."

So I called 911. I described the guy.

"White, six feet tall, dark navy top, black pants."

My husband goes, "I'm gonna go down to the street level

and make sure he's really gone."

To which, I look him up and down, I realize, "Oh, my God.

I had just given the cops...

your same exact description."

I swear. Yeah. White, six feet tall, dark navy top, black pants.

What is that? Why is he wearing that?

What is that? Just a white guy's pandemic uniform.

So I was like, "Change! You need to change!

Try to look different! Try to look different!"

You know, which is something I've never heard in my life.

No, yeah. It was...

No, I've never heard, "Try to look different."

No. It was always, "Blend in, Atsuko. Blend in.

Keep your head down and blend in as much as possible."

At least that's what my family would tell me.

And then, they named me Atsuko Okatsuka.

And then, they went on to choose English names

for themselves.

I know. Thanks, Mom.

Or Linda.

That's betrayal, Uncle Paul.

So my husband goes down to the street level

and sees that the guy is gone.

For now, it's 1.00pm.

So, me and my husband Ryan

obviously have different fighting styles, you know?

His is called, "I had two brothers," you know?

Yeah, he came from a big family.

They always talked things out. He's not afraid of conflict.

Me on the other hand, I came from a very small family.

We never talked about things. Lots of secrets were kept. Yeah.

My grandma told me we were coming to the States

for a two-month vacation.

Yeah. Two months. Two-month vacation. Yeah.

And then, so, I packed lightly, you know?

And then, she had us overstay our tourist visas

and we became undocumented and lived in my uncle's garage

in hiding for seven years.

Yeah, I know. Yeah. I've been bamboozled before.

Thrills found me. Okay.

I don't need to go seeking for it. No.

My family raised me on mind tricks. These mind tricks, you know? Yeah.

And if you're an immigrant or children of immigrants

you might be able to relate, right?

Yeah. 'Cause we love our families, right?

Yeah. They're just so seemingly generous.

They was like, "Eat," right? "Eat. Please eat.

Did you eat? No? Eat.

Please eat...

Did you eat? No. No. I didn't think so.

Eat. Please eat now. Eat, eat.

Did you eat? No. Please eat. I cook. Eat. No. Please eat...

Did you eat? No, please eat...

Did you eat? No, I didn't think so.

I cook, now eat. Please eat..."

And then, the next time they see you, they call you fat.

It's a trick.

It's a mind trick. That's what I was raised on.

So, I want things easy, you know? Yeah.

I just, I don't wanna fight off a scary man.

No. I just...

I just wanna die at a Sephora.

Yeah. Thank you. You too. Yes.

Is that so much to ask for, right?

Oh, my God. I've done enough in my life. Okay.

I immigrated, I learned a language, I even set foot on a yacht once.

They asked me to leave, but I set foot on it.

I've done so much in my life, okay?

I've done so much only to realize I just wanna be at the mall.

You know why? Because when you're at the mall

everyone's an equal.

Yeah. Yeah. Everyone's allowed to be there.

You know, it was free to enter, free to exit.

It gives me peace. Yeah.

We're all walking around the same like zombies

like, "Ooh, capitalism," you know?

We're all eating something. We're all chewing on something.

"Thank you so much, Auntie Ants. I will take a free sample."

Put it in your mouth. We're all walking around.

You know, we've all passed Ann Taylor Loft twice.

Okay? Yeah, we've all wondered who that store is for.

You can't be at the mall food court and think you're better than someone.

You can't be all judgy like, "Ew. What did you get?

Panda Express?"

"Well, I got Sbarro." No.

We all wanted to spend $10 maximum.

That's why we went to the mall food court.

We're all cheap.

I'll proclaim it right here, right now. Okay.

When I'm ready to die, I'm just gonna walk into a Sephora.

Okay? Put on the most expensive products they have

you know, the free samples, and then just die.

All my own terms for free, you know?

And you can talk to witnesses who saw me along the way.

Yeah. They'll be like, "Asian girl? Bowl cut? Yeah.

She walked up to that water fountain in front of the mall

splashed around in it for, like, 40 minutes screaming...

screaming, 'It's free!'

And when she was done, she just walked into Sephora

and it was over.

It was over."

And people would be like, "Well, was she happy?

Did she seem happy?"

"Fuck yeah.

She was beautiful."

That's how I wanna go. That's how I wanna go.

So by late afternoon

my husband had rounded up a neighborhood watch

'cause the cops never came. Yeah.

So he rounded up everyone in the neighborhood

and put him on a text thread and said, "Be on alert.

There's been an intrusion at our place, okay?

Look out for a guy that looks like me. Okay?"

So I felt better.

Nighttime falls, we're having dinner when suddenly our phone goes off

and it's our neighbor.

And she's like, "The guy you described is back.

Yeah. He just parked and he's headed up to your place again."

I know. Yeah. My fearless husband, he rushes out

but this time, he just goes, "Hey! What did I say about being here?"

Oh, great.

They've conversed.

Just picking up right where they left off, right?

As if the guy was gonna be like, "Oh, you said don't."

"And now, what? Hello? What's the plan here? Hello?"

You know what I mean?

"That's right. So, what are you doing here?"

So, I was like, "Fuck this," you know? I start packing.

I get a backpack. I put a bunch of chargers in there.

I put a bunch of cash in there.

I get a frozen lasagna and put it in there too.

Yeah, because I never miss a second meal

and adrenaline gets me hungry.

I look outside to see if I'm single now.

Husband's still alive. But now, he's back to doing this.

And now, he's out of this weird two step

to go along with it.

Butoh style like

"Oh, he's been taking Japanese theater behind my back."

And the guy kind of watches this, freaks out, and starts to run away.

It works.

Different fighting style. Mind tricks.

Ryan rushes back and he goes, "I got rid of the guy."

I said, "I saw.

But whether you're coming with me or not, this is too much for me.

I've packed, I'm leaving."

He grabs me by the hand.

Too far.

He grabs me by the hand.

Someone, oh, you don't wanna grab.

He grabs me by the... with lovers like you.

You... You wanna hold my hand?

Five hundred feet away.

He grabs me by the hand.

Grab, he grabs me by the hand. Do it back.

So this is a long distance relationship.

Our Wi-Fi is disconnected.

You... I've frozen so you don't know when to grab back.

He grabs my... He grabs...

He grabs me by the hand.

He goes...

Y'all were so impossible.

That she got a clap for just standing.

Thank you. Thank you.

He grabs me by the hand.

He goes, "But we built a life here.

We should at least try."

Y'all were so bad at this.

She got claps for sitting back down.

Do you remember... Do you remember... remember

what my husband said?

Do you remember, remember?

What did he say?

- We built a life here. - We built a life here.

We should at least try.

At... No, at the same time. What did he say? Three, two, one.

- We built a life here. - We built a life here.

- We should at least try. - We should at least try.

"But we built a life here. We should at least try."

You didn't say the "but."

Those words of bravery kind of got me hot.

"But we built a life here," right? I was like, "What?"

Immediately drenched.

I hate that he has that effect on me.

So I was like, "Fine, I'll stay.

But if this guy comes back one more time

which is one too many more times, we are gone."

You know, there comes a point in a marriage

where you become each other's family.

You know, you become each other's family

but you're still sleeping with each other, right?

Well, that is... that is, if you can get over that mind fuck.

Yeah, 'cause romantic partners turn families still having sex.

You know, things can get real blurry, right?

Titles can get real blurry.

Yeah, because I have girlfriends who tell me all the time

"Atsuko, me and my husband

we don't have sex with each other anymore.

Me and my husband, we don't have sex with each other anymore."

And it's like, "Well, maybe it's because he calls you mom, you know?"

I know. It could get weird, right? It could get real weird.

Yeah, I would stop too.

Yeah, 'cause my husband, when he gets groceries

he always brings back what we call a surprise treat.

I know. And it's always something new

and something that's not on the grocery list.

And it's what I look forward to every single week.

I know, I know. And it's very sweet and very cute.

Yeah. But that is also how our relationship turned

into a father-daughter one, you know?

It's very hard. It's very hard. Yeah. Just, "Here's your sweet treat."

"Thanks, dad."

And... And I like synchronized choreographed dances

with other people because I was a cheerleader in high school.

Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah.

That half-assed herkie.

I was... I was better back then.

I was a cheerleader in high school

so I love synchronized choreographed dances

with other people. Yeah.

Like, I hate it when people do their own dances on the dance floor.

No, no. We should always, always be synchronized.

It's more beautiful that way, right?

Everyone on the dance floor telling the same story.

So at one point, I started teaching my husband

these choreographed dances, so we would, we could do it together

would shoot it, post it online.

You know, I would make him match with me.

Same outfit, same hairstyle, everything.

Yeah. Yeah.

And at one point, during one of these

my husband broke down and cried.

Yeah. Because I was being a terror. You know?

Yeah, I was like, "Five, six, seven, eight.

Get it right. Keep your wig on." You know, that was me.

That was me. And he started crying and crying and he said to me

"I hate doing these dances with you.

I never wanna do these with you ever again."

And then, he goes, "Because

you always wanna make us look like we're sisters."

Sisters.

And he's right.

He's right. It is fucked up that I was making him do these.

Yeah. So I stopped making him do this with me.

Yeah, because he's right. He's not my sister.

No, he's...

my father.

It's partly why we're not gonna have any kids

you know, I don't wanna compete for attention from father.

You know?

We both like to sleep in

but my... but my in-laws really want us to have kids.

And they always beg us for it.

Like, "Please give us grandchildren." It's like, "No, no. It stops here.

I... I almost lost myself to lettuce-planting, you know?

It stops here. Okay.

We can barely take care of ourselves."

And in the last hand, my father-in-law goes

"But your baby will be hot."

I swear, I was like, "Excuse me?"

He's like, "Your baby, it'll be attractive

because you're both attractive. It'll be an attractive baby."

I was like, "Well, shit.

I didn't think of that," hey? Hey?

I didn't think I could be attracted to my baby, you know?

"Well, hurry up. Let's poke a hole on the condom

that we're gonna have us our hot baby. Stat. Now!"

Like, what kind of argument is "Please, it'll be so hot."

"Please, it'll be so attractive."

"A hot baby."

"A hot baby."

"That's its only purpose in life."

Like, Snow White, right? Right?

'Cause what was Snow White's whole thing? Right?

What was her whole thing? Was it, like, she's, like, so hot.

Right? She's, like, so hot.

Right? She was, like, so fucking hot.

That her stepmom wanted to kill her. Right?

Yeah. So she's, like, "Get out of here.

You're too unbearably hot for this Earth."

Then she goes, "Banish, banish!" Right?

So Snow White had to run to the woods, right?

Like, "Oh, no, I'm too hot." Right?

Or she's, like, "Yeah, only me hot. Not her. Kill her.

Bring your heart back in a box."

You know, it's a very immature storyline.

It's what we grew up watching, right?

Just about a bitch who wanted to be the hottest on the land, you know?

And Snow White, right, Snow White, she's... she was so hot, right?

She was so hot

that the only skill she picked up was singing

and cleaning.

Right? Just like...

That's a bird.

Anyway, well, that's her.

And... And her only purpose in life was to wait for a freaky Prince

who was down to kiss, whatever.

Right? Right?

And she found him or he found her where she was all unconscious.

You know, he was like, "Yeah. I'll still kiss that.

At least it's a hot dead body."

That's her boyfriend, a necro.

I don't want that for my kid.

And plus, you know, with my grandma aging

and my mom too, I already feel like I have two kids.

You know, they're 86 and 65.

We just found out that my grandma can no longer eat gluten.

Yeah, I know. Silence. Groans. I know.

Yeah. One person laughing. Yeah.

It's... You do have to find the joy in things.

Have cup... What is it? Cup half full?

Yeah.

With lovers like me.

My grandma can't eat gluten anymore.

And, you know, I was shocked, because I didn't know.

Did you know?

Did you know that immigrants can get this?

No, I didn't truly... I truly didn't know.

I really didn't know. I was like, "Our community? Since when?"

You know? I truly don't know.

Like, I... No, I really thought that this was something

that only happen to white people?

Right? Oh, no.

No, because all my white friends, all my white friends

every single day, there's a new thing they can't eat anymore.

It's weird. And they report it to me.

They're like, "Oh, yeah, it's gluten that's hurting me.

I got to cut that out. Yeah. No, it turns out it's dairy too.

Also gonna cut that out. Yeah. I can't eat peanuts. I'm allergic."

You know, every single day there's a new thing

my white friends can't eat anymore.

It's wild, like, for a second there

I really thought that maybe white people were still...

And there's so many of you.

You know, I'll turn...

I... No, I...

I... I really thought that maybe white people were...

were still evolving.

No! No, it's not funny! No! No, it's not funny.

It's not funny, 'cause... 'cause my husband's white

and... and I don't wanna lose him to a sandwich.

No! No! God! No, it's not funny.

No, because then... then I'll have to marry the sandwich

because it won, you know?

That's how it works.

White people, are you okay?

But you know, I am a solution based comic.

I am. Yeah. I like to see what I see and go

"How can we use this to better the world?"

Right? "How can we use this to combat the bad?"

And so I thought, "Okay."

You know how sometimes white supremacists

between me and you...

No, you know, how sometimes white supremacists come out to march?

You know, like, into a building. Maybe it's an important one.

Like in January? Okay.

Okay, you saw it too? Yeah, we were all watching.

It was all over the news.

You know, it's all they're talked about.

And we were all watching. We're like, "Nothing can stop them."

Well, I have a plan. Okay? Yeah.

So, next time something like that happens, right?

We just have to wait at the final destination

in a line with pockets full of bread.

And as they come closer and closer and they're marching, you know

they're like, "White Lives Matter. Stop the steal."

Or whatever they say, you know?

And they come closer and closer, and they look scary.

We just battle, right? Just, "Ciabatta."

And hit them on their nose.

"How about a baguette?"

And hit them on their heads, you know?

And I really thought at least some of them would be like

"Oh, no, was that gluten? I can't digest that."

I had a plan.

That was my plan. But guess what? It wouldn't work.

Because now my grandma also gluten free. Yeah.

Yeah, because she's been hanging out with some new white friends.

And now she's been exposed.

It sucks, she didn't listen.

People have asked me, "Atsuko, did you try the bread thing

with the intruder? He's white." "No. Too scared."

What if he's not allergic?

And I'll just go, "How about a baguette?

And he just... he just go, "How about you're dead?"

As my husband just dances.

We all do weird things when we're scared. We do.

Like the other day, I touch tongues with a stranger's dog.

I did. Thank you. Thank you. I did.

Listen, this is what... Listen.

This... Hey, this is what happened.

What had happened was I saw a dog being walked by its owner

so I got excited as you would, right?

So I bent down to pet it, and it started licking my face.

You know, just...

And I started to talk, so I opened my mouth

so boom, contact.

Tongue to tongue.

And, let me tell you, okay? I let it. Give me a few more.

I did. Oh, yeah, because life is hard.

Yeah. Yeah, because life is hard

and I was like, "I'm gonna get love wherever I can.

Right here will do." Yeah. Yeah.

So it was me and this dog, tongue to tongue.

And, let me tell you, okay?

The owner of the dog, like some of you, hated it.

She did not like it at all. She screamed.

She was like, "Are you kidding me?"

And in that moment of fear, I, like, stopped.

And for some reason, the only thing that came out

of my mouth back there

for some reason, I just said, "Oh, don't worry. I'm married."

And she really didn't like that.

But that's me. You know?

I don't deal well with feelings of embarrassment.

You know, I don't deal well with feelings of shame.

So any time someone calls me out, I just get existential. Yeah.

Anytime someone's, like, "Atsuko, why did you do that?

Atsuko, why did you say that?" Or, "Fuck you, Atsuko."

I'm always like, "Well, you know, I never wanted to be here anyway."

I just give up right on you, and you should try it. Yeah.

If anyone ever gives you a hard time, like, "Why were you late?"

Just be like, "Why was I late? Why was I born?" You know?

I just freaked them out.

No one can argue against you

if you just give up on the will to live, you know?

"Atsuko, why did you do that? Atsuko, why did you say that?"

I'm always like, "Well, you know, none of us had a choice.

Did we?"

And I'm a firm believer in that statement.

I am. Like life, okay?

All of us in here, okay? Every single one of us in here, okay?

Being birthed is the ultimate, "I thought you'd like this."

Situation that we were all pushed into, okay?

None of us had a say, right?

We all come out crying, is what I'm saying.

You know why? 'Cause it's all terrifying, right?

We didn't ask for this. None of us asked for this.

It was our mother's idea. Right? It was her idea.

She was like, "Here's a gift. Here's a surprise gift.

You live here now.

You live here now. Open your eyes."

So we get pushed out. We started crying, right?

We're just like, "Oh, no, what is this place?

Oh, no, it's so scary."

Cut to an adult grown men in the same hospital room

sneezing 30 times in a row, just losing it. Just...

You're, like, "Oh, my God. What's that?"

"That's your father.

That is your father. He cannot get it together. Okay?

Seasonal allergies. You'll probably get it too."

That's how I was pushed out to this Earth.

To a sneezing father. Okay?

Life is frickin' scary, is what I'm saying. We're all trying.

So I'm sorry I made out with your dog.

I never wanted to be here anyway.

You know, life is cruel.

You know, my grandma can't eat gluten anymore.

And my mom on the other hand, actually has schizophrenia

which means she hears voices a lot and she hallucinates all the time.

And it sucks. It frickin' sucks.

But thank God. Okay? Thank goodness.

And we just checked, and my mom, she can...

still eat bread. She can. She can.

Thank you, God. Thank you, Universe.

Yes! She can still do that. Yeah.

Because I think life has a way

of balancing itself out sometimes, you know?

No, it has to. You need something to wake up for.

Right? Where it's like, "Oh, girl, you're gonna hear voices all day

but you can still have a croissant, you know?"

It needs to balance itself out. Yeah.

Just like my grandma has no mental illnesses

but now she's a really difficult dinner guest.

You know?

It keeps her humble, right? Yeah.

Keeps her grounded from getting too cocky.

And schizophrenia is hard to talk about in comedy, you know

because people are afraid of it and it's so stigmatized.

And I don't think it helps

that it has such a scary sounding name, you know?

No, it doesn't. Yeah, it doesn't help. Yeah.

I truly wish schizophrenia had a more approachable name.

You know, something like, Splash Mountain, you know?

That's fun. I love that ride. Right?

In fact, what if all mental illnesses

were just named after rides at Disneyland?

Then we could normalize it, right?

Then conversations could look like this.

You know, just like, "Oh, yeah, I just talked to my doctor

and it's been confirmed.

I have a Mr. Toad's Wild Ride." You know?

That's fun. That's fun. Right?

Or conversations could look like this

like, "Oh, yeah, I just talked to my doctor

and at first they thought it was just the Teacups.

But it turns out I have the Tower of Terror."

You know, and... and that might sound scary.

That might sound scary, but, hey, at least you might have

some fond memories on that ride.

Right? Gynecologists could start adapting

this practice too

when instead of using scary words like "chlamydia" or "gonorrhea"

to diagnose you, they would just be like

"Oh, yeah, you have what we call...

The... The Haunted Mansion."

Which is... Which is good.

Which is good because it means you're healthy

'cause no one's visited in a while.

But, hey, it's a pandemic

so a lot of people have Haunted Mansions right now.

I didn't... I didn't mean to single you out.

I know you're... you looked bummed the whole time.

I know. I was just trying to make it a shared experience, you know

because it is a small world after all.

Are you guys okay?

I know, 'cause, buckle up, buckle up, this is good

this is where it gets wild, okay? So it gets wilder.

So by now, you know that my mom has the Splash, you know?

Or...

Are we gonna normalize it or not?

So, my mom has the Splash, but here's the wild part, okay?

Ryan, my husband's mom also has Splash Mountain.

Yeah, my husband's mom also has schizophrenia.

And some people think that's how we started dating.

Yeah. No. Yeah.

Which, can you imagine that being your only criteria

for finding a partner?

Like, how would that work? Right? Just yourmomtoo.com. You know?

And then... And then what?

Just choose a hairstyle that you like.

Your search is over. No, I wish. No. No.

We found out on our third date with each other.

We were over at his place, and we were in his bedroom.

And, oh, what are you, 12?

No, you're right. We were getting all horned up.

Yeah, things were getting frisky when suddenly, his phone goes off

and he's like, "I'm so sorry. I have to take this. It's my mom."

And I was like, "Oh, fuck."

Yeah, 'cause I wore my good underwear that night.

I wore my good adult lacey underwear that night.

No one's ever dismissed me so fast for their mom before, right?

So I was like, "Is he like a mama's boy?

Red flag. Red flag" You know?

And then he leaves me in there alone for an hour, just talking to her.

And then I hear him starting to comfort her.

And then I hear him starting to sing to her.

And that's when I was like, "Oh, double fuck.

Are they like a singing mother and son?

Are they harmonizing?"

I was like, "Oh, no, I'm gonna die tonight.

He's a murderer. He's a murderer.

He sings with his mother before sex," you know?

So I was all scared. I was all scared.

And then he rushes in, finally, an hour later

and he goes, "I'm so sorry. I sing to her sometimes.

It makes her feel better. My mom has this thing.

I don't know if you've heard of it. Schizophrenia."

And I was like, "Oh, my God. My mom too."

And we had the craziest sex ever.

I was like, "What did you say? Fuck me now!"

We started taking our clothes off.

I was like, "Oh, my God, we deserve this." You know?

We started throwing each other back and forth

pulling each other's hair, kick each other

just splish, splash, you know?

So beautiful. It was so beautiful. Yeah, it was so hot. Yeah.

Like, if I weren't on birth control pills at that time

we would have a seven-year-old child right now.

Yeah. Yeah, I know.

With schizophrenia.

Splash Mountain.

But it would be...

- Hot. - Hot.

My mom and grandma are at an age now

where they're kind of weirdly going through puberty again.

You know, yeah, they haven't been touched romantically

by a person in decades.

And it's coming out in weird ways, you know?

Yeah. My mom's trying to seduce the physical therapist.

My grandma hits on my husband, who's my father's sister.

You know? It's a unhealthy dynamic.

So to stop this, I was like, "Family, we're going to Vegas."

Yeah, because Mommy knows what's best for her kids.

And Mommy has a friend who dances in the Magic Mike Live show.

Yeah. Yeah. Yes...

Magic Mike Live, if you haven't heard of it

it's the Channing Tatum strip show with a story arc, okay?

There's something in it for everyone.

So the night of the show, my mom's not feeling well.

She decides to sit it out.

So we're like, "Okay, we're gonna have fun in her honor."

The show starts.

My grandma starts throwing cash at all the half-naked men.

She's drinking a bunch.

And at one point, one of the dancers asked my grandma

to join him on the stage.

Yeah. Yeah. The spotlight was on her.

Hundreds of women just pissed, you know?

And in that moment, what did my grandma do?

She politely declined.

She politely declined, yeah

which I don't think has ever happened

in the history of a Magic Mike Live show before.

Yeah, in fact, I know it hasn't, because when my grandma did that

the dancer just went, "Oh, okay."

And just stood there not knowing, there was no plan B.

No one had ever said no, right? My grandma, a record-breaking bitch.

So after the show, I asked my grandma

"Grandma, why did you say no to a lap dance?

It was free. We love a discount.

Why did you say no to a free lap dance?"

And this is what she says, she goes

"Oh, because, you know, if I did say yes and I went on stage

I would have to, like, hug and, like, kiss him."

Like, kiss him.

Like, kiss him, okay?

Which, by the way, is not a part of the show.

We watched the whole thing from beginning to end.

Okay? That part never happens.

Because a lot of things happened at a Magic Mike Live show.

You might get grinded up on, okay?

Someone's butt might end up near your face, okay?

But at no point, at no point

do any of the dancers just up and kiss you on the lips.

Okay. And even worse, at no point, do any of them...

any of them just hug you.

Okay? Friendship style.

That would be weird, right? Everyone would start booing. "Boo!

This is not the show we came to see. A show about friendship?

No! Show me abs."

I was like, "I'm so glad you didn't go on stage then, grandma.

That's what you were gonna do?"

So after the show is over

we're all laughing, going back to the hotel.

You know, laughing at my grandma, making fun of her just, like

"Horny bitch.

Horny bitch. Grandma almost 'me too' the dancer."

We're all laughing. We're all laughing.

She's laughing too.

We go back to the hotel

and there's my mom all alone on her bed.

Her hallucinations had gotten really bad

so she had to miss out on the show.

And it was really sad.

But, Ryan, my husband, made sure to remember

some of the dance moves from the show

yeah, and started doing it for my mom. Yeah.

He was like, "And then they were like this

and they were like this." And he got on the ground.

He was, like, "And they were like this.

And they were like this." So I joined him.

I was like, "Yeah. And then they were like this."

And he's like, "They were like this.

And they were like this. And they were like this."

And we were going up to her, and she was laughing, and clapping

and having such a great time.

I know, it was this gorgeous, beautiful moment, you know?

And I loved it because I got my sister back.

We were both telling the same story.

So by now it's late in the night, and me and Ryan are in the backyard

you know, where the first scene of the crime happened.

We're just drinking, laughing, being like

"God, can you believe the day we've had?

An intruder to our house twice on the same day?"

We jinxed it. Our phone goes off. It's our neighbor again.

And she goes, "The guy is back." I know, he's relentless. Yeah.

But this time he just parked in his car and it's turned on.

I look at Ryan and I go, "This is it.

You said one more time and we were gone, right?"

He goes, "Okay. On a count of three

we're just gonna run down to the street level

get in the car, and drive off.

One, two, three."

We run... down to the street level

get in the car, don't even look at the guy

and drive off to a hotel 30 minutes away.

We check in.

The lasagna gets us through the night.

But for the first time ever

I realized how scared Ryan really looks.

You know, he's looking down all sad and he goes

"I hope our stuff is okay."

And then he goes, "I hope we have a home to go back to."

I know. I know. And it hits me that maybe this whole time

I was so ready to leave and so ready to give up

because he was the one having to deal with everything.

You know, he was the one confronting the intruder

with interpretive dance.

He was the one rounding up the neighborhood watch, you know?

And I was just getting to benefit from the fruits of his labor.

And I was all on my... I was undocumented kid

which is another thing I like to do

when I don't want to be involved in something.

Yeah. If someone's ever, like

"Atsuko, do you wanna go bungee jumping?"

I'm always like, "Oh, yeah. I would, it's just...

I was undocumented."

It's really bad. Yeah. And it works, you know?

Yeah. Where it's like a trauma that I'm over

but it's fresh for the person hearing it. You know?

Well, let's open it up.

Do any of you guys have a thing like that

that you used as an excuse to get out of plans?

- You do? Yeah. What's your name? - I'm James.

James?

When we got to, throughout all of school, when we had to play

like, basketball or any sports, I just say

"Hold on. I'm gay. I can't do that."

Okay. So his thing is he... so he... he's gay.

I'm gonna ask you to come do something with me

that you really don't wanna do

and you're just gonna come back with that, okay?

Yeah? Okay.

Hey, James, what's up?

Hey.

So I got us tickets to go jump off a plane. Do you wanna come?

No, I'm gay.

You're gay? Oh, my...

Yeah, I can't. I'm so sorry.

Oh, my, I'm so... I'm so sorry.

That, like, you... How long?

I... just found out.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

You know what? You call me when you're ready, okay?

I'll just go jump off this plane myself. Yeah. Just...

Keep it going for James.

Yeah.

So anyways, I do that, you know, and all the time, I was like

"I was undocumented. I was undocumented."

And now Ryan needs me, you know?

So I was like, "Ryan, Atsuko, show up for him for once, you know?

Do something to contribute for once."

So I tapped in my brain and I was like...

and I decided to call my mom and grandma

to see what they would do.

And they remind me that it wasn't actually the first time

my family has gone through something like this.

Yeah. So months prior, my mom and grandma

also had an intruder come to their house.

Yeah, my family, very popular. Yeah.

So these two guys, like, hopped their front fence

got in their front yard, and started banging

on the door really loud.

Yeah. But eventually, they got tired and they walked away.

But my mom got scared, so she said

"You're moving with your auntie and uncle to Bel Air."

No, I'm just kidding. No! No, that's not what... No! No!

Erase it, go back! No. Okay.

No.

No! So my... So my...

My mom got scared, and she got

you know those devices that are motion sensored

and it starts barking like a dog. Right?

You put it by your front door and a motion goes...

Yeah. So they got one of those

but they got, like, a really cheap busted one.

So there's more... they're... they sounded more, like...

And she was showing it to me...

I was, like, "Oh, my God.

That is so scary.

You... What is that, a German Shepherd?"

I was like, "They're screwed. They're so screwed." You know?

So a week later, I rushed back to, you know, check in on them

and the device is nowhere to be found in the house.

You're supposed to put it by your front door

so it sounds like you own scary dogs. Right?

But my mom and grandmother, they're so proud.

They're like, "Guess what? Guess what?

Those guys never came back. Guess what?

Those guys never came back." And I was like, "Okay, Mom.

But where did you put the device?"

And she goes, "Oh, outside."

"Outside?

Where it's visible?"

And lo and behold, I look outside and through their front gate

you could even see that it's just this CD player

looking thing, just going...

And I was like, "Mom, this defeats the whole purpose

of you looking like you own dogs."

And this is what she says, I swear to God

this is what my mom said.

She goes, "Oh, like it ever sounded like a real dog in the first place."

Bitch.

That is so bad ass.

So I was like, "Okay. So this whole time

you knew that it sounded like a cartoon dog

and that no one's gonna fall for it?

So, you decided to look even wilder by putting it on the outside?"

Mind tricks. Right?

I'm sure those guys came back and they were like

"Oh, no, these bitches are crazy." You know?

And just never came back.

So I went back to Ryan, I was like

"Ryan, we need to continue using mind tricks, right?

To scare off the intruder. We need to borrow from our moms.

They know best."

So the next day, we started booby-trapping

our house Home Alone style.

Behind the entrance to the backyard, we put up a bunch of sticks

so if the guy came back, he would run into it.

Behind that, we put up a cactus, so he would get stuck in it.

Ryan started making signs that said, "You are being watched"

then started putting it everywhere. And I was like, "Wait...

Remember, if there's anything we learned from having moms

with schizophrenia, right?

We have to look scarier than the intruder," right?

Mind tricks. "You are being watched." That's not scary.

No... "I am being watched."

We have to put up signs that say, "I am being watched"

and we started putting it everywhere.

I also put up signs that said, "I was undocumented

and I never wanted to be here anyway."

I also put a bloody tampons everywhere too, where it was, like

"You thought you were scary. Well, welcome to Splash Mountain."

Until this day, the guy hasn't come back.

Yeah. Our place looks wild as fuck, but the guy hasn't come back.

I swear. Yeah.

And even if he did, you know, I think I would have enough courage

to go confront him myself now.

No, I'm just kidding, with Ryan very much closely

right behind me.

And we'd probably look him straight in the eyes and say something like...

"You skate?"

And guess what? As he crumbles into confusion.

Thank you so much. I'm Atsuko. Thank you so much, Brooklyn.

Thank you. I love you. Thank you so much. Thank you.

Everyone, this is my grandma and Ryan.

Translator: IYUNO