Original subtitles

Al, come on down, it's time for work!

Come on, honey. I'm making you a nice, hot breakfast.

Just listen to that bacon sizzle.

Keep it hot, Peg. I'll be down in a minute.

Sure, I will.

Peggy, I've got some great news.

Two men came to our house--

Al, I'm going over to Marcy's!

They're gone now.

- Al, Marcy's here. - Nice try, Peg, but I'm still hungry.

- Where's my breakfast? - The dog ate it.

I see he put the pots and pans away too.

Al, I was just telling Peggy about this great idea.

You know that little hole in your driveway?

The one all the neighborhood children splash and play in after it rains?

These guys finished a major repaving job a couple of blocks from here.

And they offered to redo both our driveways for only $500.

Isn't that great?

I don't know. I tried to get Al to fix the driveway a long time ago.

But his philosophy is...

...Why improve a home you're only gonna live in anyway?

Al, can you think of a better way to raise the value of your home...

...And save a little money too?

Sure. Pack your bags, hon.

Look, they said we have to do this right away or they'll be gone.

And I think it's a great deal.

What does Steve think?

Well, he's in Buffalo at a meeting of Tellers Against the Penny.

Steve firmly believes that the one-cent piece is a thing of the past.

Well, I'm sure the feeling is mutual.

Come on, Al, make a decision. These guys are leaving the neighborhood.

Of course they're leaving. These guys are crooks.

First, you gotta believe they just happened to be around.

And second, we have to believe that two guys see Marcy...

...And they're willing to come back.

I mean, is there nothing so stupid that some woman won't fall for it?

I fell for you, sweetie.

How could you marry such a chauvinistic, sexist man?

A dare.

Look, I'm not sexist.

I'm just saying women don't know nothing.

Asphalt and finances are male-oriented fields.

And since Steve is as close to a male as you have...

...He should be in on the decision.

I'll have you know I have a degree in economics...

...And work as a loan officer in a bank.

So if anything, I am more qualified to make financial decisions than you are.

Well, as good as you bankers may be at saying...

... "We're sorry, Farmer Brown, we're foreclosing. Go sell pencils"...

...In this house, I'm the boss and I make the financial decisions.

Oh, and what a shrewd financial decider he is too.

Honey, tell her about the time...

...You shrewdly decided not to buy into that property...

...That some sucker built the Sears Tower on.

Hey, don't forget, Peg...

...The money we saved there allowed us to buy that two-thirds acre...

...On Lake Chicamocomico.

It may not look like much now, but when they figure out...

...How to keep plants and animals alive in there, it'll be quite a little paradise.

I'll bet. But, Al, I know a good thing when I see it too.

Even without you, the deal is still a good one, and I'm going to do it.

Well, you are woman. Go out and roar.

I'm full.

Peg, as usual, every day's Thanksgiving.

I'm going to work. Marce, I'll see you tonight.

- What for? - Well, after these guys rip you off...

...You'll be back to tell me I was right. Because I will be.

You're that sure of yourself?

Marcy, I'd bet my retirement property on it...

...If the Army didn't have it padlocked.

Peggy, I cannot for the life of me understand how you live with that man.

Well, in Al's defense...

...What with overtime, television and the bathroom...

...I really don't see him very much.

See you later.

Mom, big news down the block.

The cops just arrested these two guys trying to pull the old asphalt scam.

- They what? - Yeah, you know the one...

...Where they offer to redo your driveway real cheap...

...But they just use oil, so when it rains, it all washes away.

You have to be a real feeb to fall for that one.

Who are you calling?

Al's mother. I told him I'd invite her for the summer...

...The next time he was right about anything.

- Well, how do you think he'll take it? - Take what?

Hello?

My having to tell Al he was right.

You're not seriously gonna do that, are you?

Hello?

Well, I have to. He's bound to find out, if he hasn't already.

Marcy, let me tell you something.

Peggy, is that you--?

In the 16 years that I've been married to Al...

...I've learned there are certain things never to ask for.

Never approach him for sex during Wide World of Sports.

Oh, unless women's gymnastics are on. Then you got a shot.

Never approach him for sex in the morning.

He thinks that is just disgusting. And never, ever tell him he's right.

- Why? - Because he's a man, Marcy.

And the only thing uglier than a man who thinks he's right is Al.

Believe me, I know this from experience.

Let me tell you a story. A few years after we were married...

...I told Al that I could hold up a fender so he could fix the flat tire.

He said, "No, let a man do it." I said I could.

So to make a long story short, a man had to set his leg that night.

But to this day, whenever I ask Al to do something for me...

...That he doesn't wanna do, he lifts up that leg and says he can't...

...And that it's my fault.

The worst part about it is he's right.

Marcy, don't let him lift his leg on you.

Guess I'll see you tonight, Marce.

What for?

To tell me I was right.

You're not seriously gonna do that, are you?

Tell me I was right. I was right. I was right...

Marcy, I'm back!

Steve?

I thought you weren't due back till tomorrow night.

I missed you.

Sorry I didn't call.

So you wanna fool around?

Well, sure.

I'm so glad to hear that.

I haven't slept in 18 hours.

Oh, Steve's not back yet and you have those empty-bed blues, huh?

Well, yes and no.

- Peggy, do you ever dream? - Why dream when I have all this?

No, I mean, do you ever have dreams?

Nightmares? I had a real doozy last night.

- What about? - Al.

Al? My Al?

Yeah. See, I was asleep--

Did he have feet?

Beg pardon?

It's funny. In my dreams, Al never has any feet.

Oh, well. Go on.

Well, in my dream, Steve came in and he asked me if I wanted to fool around.

And when I said yes, he turned and it was Al.

My Al? Well, then what happened?

- Nothing. - Yep, sounds like my Al.

I hope you're not upset, Peggy.

About a dream? Don't be silly.

Plus, if you dreamed that Al was in your bedroom...

...I should be apologizing to you.

Thanks, Peggy.

Oh, but could you do me a favor? Please don't tell Al about this.

Oh, don't worry. But could you do something for me?

- What? - If you ever dream about Al again...

...Could you check and see if he has any feet?

That really bothers me.

Sure thing.

Hi, Marce. Hi, Peg.

Bye, Peggy. Al.

What's with her?

She had a dream she slept with you last night.

Oh, yeah?

She's a lucky gal.

Marcy, I'm home.

- Steve? - Yeah.

Sorry I'm late, honey.

The pro-penny people pelted us with nickels.

- Did I wake you? - Steve, it is you.

Of course it's me. Give me a hug.

Did you miss me?

Don't worry. Daddy's home.

And Daddy's gonna make it all better.

Marcy, I'm home.

Oh, hon. You wouldn't believe the traffic over O'Hare tonight.

I swear, someday that's where they're gonna find Amelia Earhart.

But...

...The eagle has landed.

You wanna fool around?

Pizza's here.

Kelly, you know that's not the way to hold a pizza.

Mom, have you ever tried to carry one of these things...

...Sitting on the back of a Harley going 60 while trying to hold on to a fat guy...

...Who's wearing nothing but chains and black leather?

Yes, I have, and that is not the way to do it.

Mom, are we gonna do anything different this summer?

Well, Daddy got seats for the ball games again.

- Oh, puke. - I thought you liked the Cubs.

I do. I just hate watching them from the roof...

...Of that apartment building where Dad always gets his seats.

Well, honey, maybe someday they'll forget about that fan-interference call...

...That kept the Cubs out of the World Series...

...And let Daddy back into the stadium.

I hope so, because it looks so stupid...

...With just us and the Pulaskis doing the wave.

Marcy, you're a wreck.

Oh, I see.

Steve got back and you two were at it all night, huh?

No.

I had that dream again. With Al.

This is where you're supposed to make a joke...

...About Al being quick in the sack so I can laugh and see...

...You're not really mad or anything.

Marcy, that's two nights in a row.

Al hasn't been quick in the sack with me for two nights in a row in years.

Hey, you think I'm enjoying this? I was throwing up all night.

Well, so did I at first, but it passes.

Whatever happened to, "It's only a dream, don't worry about it"?

Peggy, can't you see what hell my life's becoming?

I haven't slept in 48 hours.

And Steve's mad at me because every time he brings up sex, I get sick.

And now you're yelling at me.

And why not? You're the one dreaming around with my husband.

Hey, Peg.

Hey, Marce.

Boy, I tell you, what a day.

All day long, it's pick up the shoes...

...Put down the shoes, pick up the shoes.

Hey, tomorrow ought to be a good day for you, Marce.

Tomorrow I wash the car in my T-shirt.

I can't believe you told him.

- I can't believe you dream about him. - I can't believe everybody doesn't.

I'm mortified.

Well, get happy.

Well, Peg, it looks like another little filly in the old Bundy stable.

Get me a beer, will you?

Al, what are you doing in Marcy's dream?

Ruining her for all other men.

You are doing something to cause those dreams.

Now, I don't know what it is, but I want you to cut it out.

I'll cut it out, just tell me what to do.

What should I do, stop wearing T-shirts?

Stop oozing sex from every pore?

That isn't sex, Al.

What should I do, Peg?

Well, you could come upstairs and be my dream lover for a while.

Peg, not tonight. This leg has been acting up again.

- Ever since that night with the car... - Fine, fine.

Then let's discuss who else's dreams you've been gallivanting around in.

Perhaps Mrs. Pritchard across the street.

I've seen how she looks at you over her walker.

Well, if you think that I'm gonna put up with this stuff...

Steve, please. I'm trying to read.

You don't have to stop. Let me get a hammer and I'll nail it to the ceiling.

Steve, I have a question.

Do you think it's possible...

...To dream that you're interpreting a dream...

...Or must you be awake to do this? And what are dreams, anyway?

Could we just be the dream of some greater sleeping being?

And if so, are we then, in fact, real?

I want sex, Marcy.

I think I'm getting nauseous.

All right. That's it.

Look, I've asked more than a couple of women...

...To go to bed with me in my time. While some of their responses...

...May have been somewhat cruel...

...Not very many jumped up and stuck their heads in the toilet.

Now, something strange is going on here, and I demand to know what it is.

Don't toy with me, Marcy. I'm horny and I've been to Buffalo.

Well, okay, I'll tell you.

- You have to promise not to get angry. - Fine.

Well, it's like this...

Al?!

And where are you when I dream, huh?

Where were you when I dreamt I was drowning?

How could I swim? You said I have no feet.

If you loved me, you would have paddled.

Who is it?

Steven Bartholomew Rhoades.

Bartholomew?

Al, I'm horny. What are you gonna do about it?

Get in there. Don't go yelling things like that.

I've got kids up there. Or out there...

Somewhere. I don't know.

Did she tell you, Steve?

Yes, Peggy.

He's an animal.

I don't know what happened, I leave town for one day...

...I come back, my wife's throwing up...

...And dreaming she's sleeping with your husband.

I guess that's why they call it the blues.

I'm getting out of here.

You two can go on blaming me for the dreams of a totally insane woman.

I'm going to a hotel.

Better make it the Y. I don't want any women to see me.

Well, look who's here, the dream weaver.

Why can't you have normal dreams like me?

You know, where you're Maharajah Bundy, you know...

...And women with four breasts feed you Ding Dongs?

- Is Steve in there? - There are no other men in my dream.

Just Phil Donahue, and we feed him to the lizard people.

- No, I meant is Steve in your house? - Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he and Peg want me dead.

You, you just want me.

Sit down, Al.

You're not gonna be looking at my butt or anything, right?

I think I can guarantee that. Sit down, Al.

All right.

What is it?

I know now why I was having those dreams, Al.

You remember the driveway repavers you said were gonna rip me off?

They were, Al, but I never told you.

And the guilt I had manifested itself in my dreams.

- I thought that-- - That I desired you?

No, Al.

I was being punished.

Much as sex with you must actually be like.

So now, in order to rid myself of the guilt...

...And those horrible, horrible dreams...

...I've come to say you were right. You hear that, Al?

You were right and I was wrong.

You're the man and I'm the woman.

And in this case, the man was right.

The man knew better than the woman.

The woman should have listened to the man.

Satisfied, Al? Is that what you wanna hear?

Wait a second, hold on a second. You didn't desire me?

You didn't even have feet.

Oh, Marcy, I thought I heard you out here. What's going on?

Oh, nothing. Just purging myself, that's all.

Oh, honey, not again.

Not that. Everything's fine now.

- Let's go home. - You mean home as in...?

Last one up has to read the ceiling.

I'm gonna have sex, Al.

What's everybody talking about? I got feet.

Al, Steve and I were talking about you being in Marcy's dream and...

I was right about it being stupid to blame me.

You're not gonna lord this over me, are you?

Sure, I am, Peg.

- Well, I'm going up to bed now. - Good.

Why don't you come on up and show me what dreams are really made of?

I'll be up in a little bit, Peg.

Well, at least it's all over.

Al! Al, you coming up?

I said I'd be up in a second, Peg.

I said I'd be right up.

Well, don't wait too long, tiger.