Original subtitles

Kelly, breakfast!

And be quiet, honey! Don't wake your father!

- Oh, Bud, you eat so fast. - That's because you cook so good.

Bye, Mom.

Not so fast. You're not going anywhere without a good, healthy breakfast.

Mother, I'm 15. I'm old enough to know how to use a vending machine.

- Get over here and eat. - God, I hate to eat sitting down.

I think she should clean her plate like I did.

Sure, Mom.

I'm stuffed. They're waiting for me at the mall.

- What do you do at the mall, anyway? - Nothing.

You know what they do?

Sometimes they look in the shoe store, laugh at Daddy.

Well, all the kids do. It's not like they know he's my father.

And they never will, if you want to live to hang your next rat.

I'd ground both of you...

...But then that would mean you'd be here all day.

So, your punishment is you're grounded tomorrow...

...When your father's home and I'm out shopping.

- Can I go now? - Please.

- Where's my miniature golf coupon? - It's in the drawer.

What's this with the fake engraving?

That's the invitation to your cousin Harriet's wedding.

- Oh, puke. - Harriet.

You don't have to go.

The thing is, your father and I have to go out of town for it.

- Bud, who can you stay with? - I'm not allowed in anybody's house.

Well, we'll find someone.

Daddy's up.

- Well, we'll see you later. - Okay. Be home by six.

Oh, and Bud, don't bite anyone. And Kelly, don't get anything pierced.

Yeah, Mom.

Morning.

- Coffee. - In the pot.

Boy, I love it when you get up before I do...

...And I got the bed all to myself.

Gee, you'd never know it, the way you put your foot on my behind and push.

Here's your breakfast, honey.

Oh, just how I like them.

- You dirty, shiftless bag of-- - Al, don't feed that to the dog.

The cholesterol is very bad for him.

Bacon?

Boy, I hate Saturdays.

Damn kids come to the mall and make fun of me.

Yeah. Wouldn't it be nice if we could go off together, just the two of us?

Not really.

- You know where I'd really like to go? - Where?

- Milwaukee. - I smell your family coming on.

What's up, Peg, Beer Fest '87?

Is it time for your mother to defend her keg-sucking crown?

Is she moving up into the heavyweight division this year?

Can't stand that a woman won, huh?

Hey, there were a lot of people there demanding chromosome tests.

Just you and Dad.

I don't care, Peg. I'm not going to one of your family gatherings.

It's not a gathering, it's a wedding.

- Who's getting married? - Harriet.

Harriet? You mean someone answered the ad?

Some people will do anything to keep from being deported.

Hey, Jose is a very nice man...

...And his English is coming along just fine.

Me habla not going.

Al, we have to go. The whole family is coming.

Oh, really. How about Elmo, the human surprise?

- Are they bringing him? - He makes a very good living.

They won't have his cage at the wedding.

Well, you have to admit, there's one good thing about my family.

They gave you me.

Getting me sentimental ain't gonna work with me.

Send Harriet a card and Jose a copy of the Pledge of Allegiance...

...But I'm not going.

- Yes, you are. - No, I'm not.

- You cannot walk out on this argument. - Watch me.

Fine, but when you're home, we'll pick up where we left off.

That's fine. Then I'm not coming home.

You'll be coming home...

...And Mr. and Mrs. Bundy will be attending.

See, I told you. You can dance in these shoes.

Well, I'll take them.

- Luke, what are you doing? - Selling shoes.

You work on commission, you go the extra mile.

And that, my friend, is the extra mile.

- Thank you. - My pleasure.

Oh, your son is very nice.

Yeah, she must have been something 1500 years ago.

Get away from me, Luke.

Hey, Al. You know, there's something I've learned over the years.

Whenever someone yells at me, it's not me.

How could it be?

- So, what's wrong? - I had a fight with my wife.

I knew it wasn't me. How bad was it?

Well, I got pretty mad. So I laid down the law.

I told her I'm not coming home!

So, where can I get some flowers, cheap?

You said you weren't going home.

Let's face it. I've got no choice. I have to.

That's the trouble when you're married with children.

They know you're coming home.

- Al. - What?

What do you think I should have for lunch?

Hey, I'm pouring out my heart here.

- I'm sorry. I thought you were done. - No, I'm not.

I'm not at all. I gotta find a place to stay.

I can't afford a hotel.

If I go home, then I'm saying I'm sorry, so I can't go home.

I gotta make her wonder, make her worry, make her miss me.

Then I can go home, so she can yell at me.

Where am I gonna stay?

Everybody comes to the answer man.

The choice is obvious, Al.

- You set up a cot in the stock room. - I'm staying with you, Luke.

- For free? - Yes.

I haven't done something like this in a long time.

Yeah, kick back with a buddy and a six-pack and be men.

You know, Luke, I...

This is really helping me out. Thanks a lot.

Hey, the day Luke Ventura can't help a friend...

...That's the day he's got something better to do.

The divorce judge will now render his verdict.

Mr. Gannon, your lovely bride of eight months...

...Deserves far better than you.

I can't grant her that...

...But I can grant her 93 percent of your net worth...

...Your Ferrari and your stocks.

And you, Mr. Gannon...

...You get the children.

This court is adjourned.

- What a great show! - Oh, yeah.

You know, that's a real judge.

- More coffee? - Okay.

Listen, Marce, Al and I have to go out of town to a wedding next week.

- You think you could watch the house? - Sure. I love weddings.

- Where are they registered? - Department of Immigration.

How '80s.

Well, if you can't find anything there, we have a lot of good gift catalogs.

Why don't you and Al come over later?

- Better yet, come over without Al. - I'm afraid I'd have to.

He's mad at me about the wedding. We had this big fight.

He was so cute. He said he wasn't coming home.

- You don't seem too concerned. - Marcy, this is Al.

I mean, where's he gonna go?

He might drive around for a while till he has to use the bathroom and eat.

Then he'll come slinking back, pretending nothing happened.

And we'll go to bed, and nothing will happen.

Well, I'd be worried if Steve threatened not to come home.

According to my book, Man and Other Primates ...

...After a marital spat, the man is most vulnerable to outside stimuli.

What does that mean?

There are a lot of man-hungry barracudas out there.

The first little wink, his shoes will be under her bed.

Well, that should end it right there.

Here it is, home of the big boy.

I can't believe all your neighbors are stewardesses.

I once lived in a building with a lot of married people.

Sure, the sex was great during the day, but it got lonely at night.

Take a load off. Sit down.

- No TV? - It's in the bedroom with the cameras.

- You want a drink? - Yeah, got some Scotch?

I got everything.

One of the many benefits of living in a stew zoo.

You want a deck of cards or a barf bag or something?

Nah, I'm cool.

Peggy must be eating her heart out. If she could see me now.

- What a night, huh, buddy? - I'm gonna kind of get comfortable.

- You make yourself at home, buddy. - Yeah.

Eat your heart out, Peg.

- Hi. - Hi. We're the Cherry sisters.

Terry and Sherry Cherry.

I'm...

Al! Al Bundy. That's right.

- Luke! - Luke!

Cherrys!

We brought you this.

Our mother taught us never to go anyplace empty-handed.

Or without a dime for a phone call.

Oh, we didn't bring anything for you.

Would you like our dime?

- Aren't they sweet, Al? - Al! Al Bundy. That's right.

Ladies, I'd like you to meet my friend, Al "The King" Bundy.

Let's get comfortable here. Come on.

You redecorated!

- I love it! - A zebra!

It's kind of a Wild Kingdom feel. I like it.

Luke, you know, Sherry and I were just talking...

...And I really need a man's opinion.

- Okay. Come sit on my lap. - Sure.

I don't know what to do. My boyfriend wants to move in with me...

...But he still wants to see other people.

Let me tell you something.

Don't let him move in unless he's willing to make a commitment.

Thanks, Luke.

So you wanna go in the bedroom?

Sure, as long as I'm here.

Everyone comes to the answer man.

- So, what do you do, Al? - Oh, I'm a, I'm a...

You know, a shoe thing.

They're gonna be in there a while. Looks like you're stuck with me.

Hello.

Oh, hi, sis.

Gee, you and Harriet must really be excited.

Oh, I wanted to tell you that Al and I are coming to the wedding.

Well, don't cry. I have to bring Al.

Jose called off the wedding?!

Why?

He won the lottery?

Poor Harriet.

Well, I'll tell Al. He'll just be devastated...

...But maybe we'll see you for Schnitzel Week.

Love you too.

- Hi, Kel. - Hi, Mom.

- Is Dad in the bathroom? - No.

If he's not in the bathroom and he's not watching TV...

...Where else could he be?

- I think your father's working late. - The shoe store closed hours ago.

You had a fight, didn't you?

Of course not. What would we fight about?

The fact that you have no money and Bud and I are great disappointments.

You are not disappointments.

Look, we did have a fight, but don't worry.

Your father will be home soon.

Well, I hope wherever Dad is, he's nowhere near another woman.

Mom, I hate to tell you...

...But as a boyfriend stealer myself...

...The best time to get them is right after a fight.

Oh, who would want your father?

Mom, let me tell you:

When a woman gets to be around your age, they get real desperate.

I've seen them at the mall.

Their hungry, vacant eyes scanning the escalators...

...Pretending to shop near the men's dressing rooms...

...Praying that some man, any man, will walk up and say:

"Does this tie go with this shirt?"

I don't have to tell you what's next.

Can I have Dad's chicken?

Sure, honey. Why don't you take it upstairs.

Look, don't worry about Daddy. He'll be home soon.

And I know where he is. He's over at Telly's Bar...

...Having a beer, watching the game on the big screen...

...Lying about how many shoes he's sold.

Hello, Telly?

Is Al Bundy there?

Well, could you check the bathroom?

So my sister and I got jobs as stewardesses...

...Because we thought that's the way to become pilots.

She's in first class and I'm in coach because she's much smarter than I am.

One time I went into the cockpit and I saw her sitting on the pilot's lap...

...Helping him fly the plane.

She must have been very good because he told the co-pilot to get out.

You know, you have very strong forearms.

- Yeah. - It must be from all that flushing.

- Well, that and, you know, working out. - Yeah.

You know, men are always making passes at me...

...Because they think stews are easy, but we're not.

Oh, Luke!

Luke, Luke!

He's not out here, sis!

Let me ask you something, Al.

What does a nice guy look for in a girl?

You.

Really. You're beautiful...

...And you're blond...

...And you're facing me.

I like that in a woman.

Don't worry. The right guy is going to come along.

You know, I really feel comfortable with you...

...Like I can talk to you and be myself.

I don't have to live up to any of those stereotyped expectations...

...Everyone has of a stewardess.

You know, always waiting on people, attending to their needs.

- Would you care for a beverage? - No, thanks.

I'm looking for a serious commitment.

Someone who'll stay the night.

Then I gotta think there's some guy out there for you.

I hope so. See, I'm not like my sister.

I need a man to make me whole.

Well, I think I'd better get going.

You want a massage?

Sure.

- You're tense. - And there are tears in my eyes.

Well, I better get going home.

Can I come with you?

What are my chances Peg's in a coma?

No.

Listen, I know that I'm in a bachelor's pad...

...And that I've got the forearms of a Java man, but I gotta tell you...

...I'm...

...Married...

...With children.

That's okay.

Excuse me.

Listen, you're really, really great and any guy would be lucky...

...I mean, jackpot lucky, to be with you, but I hope you'll understand.

See, I've been married a long time, and it just wouldn't be right.

You got any pictures of yourself?

No. No, that wouldn't be right either.

Listen, I gotta go. Take care.

You are so honorable.

Your wife must be really wonderful.

Well, she's a pip.

But she's my pip.

Hey, guys. You wanna make a movie?

Yes, I do.

Goodbye.

Yes, I do.

Oh, gee, Al, I'm so glad you're home.

Wear this.