All language subtitles for Veep s07e04 South Carolina.eng

RICHARD SPLETT: Madam President,
Congressman Ryan,

I have been appointed
the new Mayor of Lurline.

-Oh, of course. I understand.
-Oh, I'll be sorry to lose you.

Uh, me too.

AMY BROOKHEIMER: Ma'am,
the U.S. Attorney's Office

has impaneled a grand jury
to investigate the Meyer Fund.

Madame P, got a moment?

Can you fuck off?

I have always tried
to be there for you.

Well, how come you failed me
in algebra, Mr. Hennick?

It would be really good if we
adopted another baby from China.

How would you like the chance

to help lead
a visibly repugnant underdog

to historic victory?

You want me to join
Jonah's campaign?

SELINA MEYER: How about,
for once in your life,

you stop whining,
you stop complaining,

-and just man up?
-(APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

Get outta my way.

Thank you, New Hampshire,
for manning up!

What started in Iowa
with a come-from-behind, second-place finish

has built here tonight
into an all-out victory!

( crowd cheering )

And now it's on
to South Carolina

and then back
to the White House!

( recorded music playing )

That's right, you heard me--

back to the White House!

( music, cheering )

Selina on TV:
We're going back...

Which one of you donkey-dongs
was in charge of the balloons?

- Believe it or not, Amy.
- She's still fuckin' up?

She hasn't worked here
for months!

Does anyone have
her new email address?

"Man up" continues
to resonate in all four quadrants.

It's universal. Men hate women,
women hate themselves.

The Geraldine Ferraro
principle.

Hey, ma'am, I was hoping

I could have some
more responsibility--

Yes. Can you make me
a waxing appointment in Charleston?

- I'm feeling patriotic.
- Full bald eagle.

Ma'am, South Carolina
is gonna be tough.

- Black people love me.
- Gary: Love.

Did you know Dr. Jordan Thomas,
the civil rights leader, he once said to me--

- Ben: You told me this.
- Marjorie: We're aware.

This is a classic.

He once said to me

that I was the blackest
white woman he ever met.

Ben: Ma'am, you do know

that this time you're running

against an actual black person?

Selina:
She's not even all-black.

Plus, I'm gonna be

Lion-Kinging
Little Richard all around

till I tear my rotator cuff.

Absolutely not, Mother.

I have been working
for you for 18 years

- without a promotion.
- Right.

But some people kinda
think I deserve

a bigger role
in the campaign this time.

What kind of role
was your mother thinking of?

I thought everybody
kind of did the same thing.

Ma'am, our faith-based outreach
program is kind of a disaster.

OK, so give Gary
the face-based thing.

- It's "faith-based."
- I don't care.

I gotta get a little
shut-eye before we land.

Can we have the lights out,
please? Thank you.

Dan: Hey, Ben, do you have
the county-by-county--

- Selina: No talking!
- Gary: No talking!

- ( clatter )
- Selina: I'm hearing moving!

( theme music playing )

Jonah: I can't believe
I got sixth place.

It is time for us
to head over to the electoral scrapyard

and see if we can sell
your endorsement for parts.

OK, I'm gonna go hang myself
from a sturdy pipe,

and I'm not even gonna
bother jacking off.

- You have time
for a drink beforehand? - Mmm.

Nancy: Well, you're still
my favorite son, Jonie.

How does Butt-Buddy Calhoun
do one percent better than me?

Well, you had three percent
and he had four,

so actually,
he did 33% better.

Don't math me, Lloyd.

Math is a plot
invented by the Chinese

to make smart Americans
feel dumb.

Modern math was invented
by Islamic scholars in the 7th century.

( mocking ) You were invented
by Islamic scholars in the 7th century.

( laughing ) Burn.
Sorry, Dad.

Okay, Jonie, please,
don't yell at Lloyd. Please, he's just--

Sorry, what is that
on your finger?

- Is that a ring?
- Lloyd: Well,

I asked your mom
to marry me again,

and I'm hoping we can
get your blessing.

- No! You don't have it--
- ( man laughing )

Oh! Saint Theresa's
gray-haired gunt,

they're fucking again?!

I'm sorry I'm late.

The Meyer victory party's
still raging.

They got some great coke.

I can't believe you backed
another candidate, Uncle Judas.

- When I'm president--
- Shut the fuck up!

When you're president?!

I'll jam my fist
up my dick hole

and pull out a 40-piece
set of Danish cutlery when you're president!

Selina Meyer is
a legitimate candidate,

not a human pool skimmer

last used to de-spunk
a Provincetown hot tub party!

Congratulations, Sis.

Let me know
where to send the gift.

Spoiler alert:
It's Danish cutlery.

Thanks, Jeff.
See ya in church on Sunday.

Gary? I need my tea.

Marjorie:
And a well-done egg white frittata.

Here you are, ma'am.

Whoa. That startled me.

Why are you Gary?

He had an early
morning meeting.

You can't just replace Gary
with another lesbian

and think that
I'm not gonna notice what--

Mmm. Wow, this tea is
the perfect temperature.

Thank you, ma'am.
I learned from an Afghani warlord.

We should put him
on the payroll.

- You killed him
in a drone strike. - Oh, well.

I laid out your outfit
for the day.

Oh. Oh, wow!

I never thought before
to put the Bottega pumps

with the Michael Kors top.

You've been taking
fashion advice from a man

who dresses like an overgrown
ventriloquist dummy.

That's a solid point.

- Oh! Is this edible?
- No, ma'am.

Oh. Uhh.

- ( knocking )
- Gary: Hello.

- Mr. Walsh. I'm Blake Stein.
- Nice to meet you.

- We're all ready to--
- Ahh! Yep. Yeah. Perfect.

Did you see the spread
that I ordered?

These are fresh bagels
from New York,

which I'm very excited about
'cause the president hates bagels--

shh-shh-shh--
and she can't even be in the same room with donuts.

Uh, so why don't we get started?

Of course, of course,
I've love that.

I would love that.

Here we go. ( chuckles )

- ( whispers ) Mr. Walsh.
- Yeah?

This is your meeting.
You're in charge.

Oh, I know. I know. I know.

Of course.

Can I make anyone a plate?

( knock on door )

What up, Mojo?

When are you and I gonna have

that pussy-eating contest?

You have ten minutes.

I started timing
the moment you knocked.

- Amy: Ma'am! So good
to see you again. - Amy!

How is that baby?
Must be gettin' big.

It's great. So the reason
that we are here is...

- Yeah.
- Congressman Ryan is considering stepping aside

- and endorsing you--
- I want vice president.

- That's not negotiable.
- Let's go.

No, I'm willing to negotiate.

What about Department
of the Exterior?

- Interior.
- We're gonna negotiate against ourselves now, Amy?

Amy, Amy, I mean...

( Selina laughs ) Oh, God.

If Ellen had
a little sister from China,

it might help her
bond with... Mike.

Or, uh, I could bond
with the new one.

Tell 'em about
your big new job, Mike.

Oh, gosh, yeah!

I have my own webcast
on BuzzFeed.

I call it "McLintalk."
A-L-K?

It would be funny
if you were American.

So, is--
is everything all right?

Just one last question,
Mr. McLintock,

are you still close
with President Selina Meyer?

Full disclosure:
She still doesn't like when I eat in front of her.

- Very good. Very good!
- Wendy: Very good!

Gang-Hua Li:
If you will just head down the hallway,

we will have you sign
the application.

- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.

- Mr. McLintock.
- Yeah?

I was wondering if you
could deliver a message to President Meyer for me?

Remembering things
and reporting them back to people is not my strong suit,

but I could write it down.

Please don't write it down.

O-kay.

Jordan Thomas:
My father started this youth center for one reason:

You gotta keep
the kids off the streets.

That's right. Gangs and--

What you need is more
police protection.

As you know, the police
are doing most of the shootings.

Yeah, well, the police
are out of control.

- Let me give you
the rest of the tour. - OK.

- Huh?!
- Marjorie: Ma'am,

last month a local
eight-year-old boy was shot by police

when his candy bar
was mistaken for a gun.

And how was I
supposed to know that?

It was in today's
Line-By-Line.

You know I don't read
what you give me.

Jordan: Thought I lost you!

Let's continue the tour.
Come on, kids are waiting.

Selina: Your father
was such a great man,

and you have inherited
not only his good looks,

but also his charisma!

Now I'm blushin'
and a little bit crushin'.

I would really love
to be able to count on

your endorsement
this time around.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- You're gonna
make me say it? - Say what?

( laughs ) She gonna
make me say it!

We've got a sister
runnin', ya know.

We got race in the race.
Praise Jesus!

Yes. Indeedy. I, you know,

( sing-songy ) Progress!

But your daddy used
to say to me

that I was the blackest
white woman he ever met.

Can I tell you something?

My dad said that
to a lot of white women.

That was his move.
( laughing ) Now you know.

Oh. I would love to see you
at services on Sunday,

and I would love it if you
would speak to the congregation.

Well, I'm-- I'm, uh,

I'm pretty booked up.
No. Just take it away.

Amy: Senator Talbot,

we believe you are positioned

to win the nomination,

and we might be considering

suspending
Congressman Ryan's campaign.

Definitely the right move.

K-Jazz.

Ask me what's on my mind.

Fine. What's on your mind,
Congressman Ryan?

I'm glad you asked,

because my mind's
on my money...

and my money's on my mind.

Laid back.

Jonah:
I thought she'd be more--

I thought you'd
be more familiar.

I mean, did you
at least watch Martin?

- "Damn, Gina!"
- We should go.

- What? She asked.
- Just let us know if we can be of any help.

Could you give me HUD?
Nobody cares about it.

It's like the fat girl
of Cabinet posts.

Ma'am, the new
anti-Kemi mail pieces just came in.

What the tragic mulatto fuck?

Kemi looks like an albino.

And I'm so black,
people are gonna start calling me articulate.

Hey, ma'am.
Presenting my first faith-based outreach video.

- Man: Outreach. Reaching out.
- No.

Okay.

Look, guys, if we're not
getting the black vote,

then we have to take
a hard turn to the white.

Kent, how are we doing with
non-college-educated whites?

- Look at this.
- Kent: Underwater, ma'am.

Then how about
college-educated whites?

Uh, in South Carolina,

that is not a significant
slice of the pie.

Then we're gonna
have to find a way

with non-college-educated
whites.

Like, what appeals to them--

What appeals to them?
What do they want?

Well, my polling shows
their main wants are jobs,

education, and an adequate
safety net--

- Okay, not gonna speak to that.
- I'm not finished, ma'am.

"...to be denied
to African Americans."

- ( Gary's video playing )
- My video could help, actually.

- No!
- ( gasps )

Listen, we have to find a way

to say those things
without actually saying them.

- Like a dog whistle.
- Yes, exactly!

Okay. You know what?
You could talk about charter schools. Mention something--

Come on, that's
like a dog whisper.

You could "reject"
an endorsement

from a pro-Confederacy group.

That's like a dog
exploding space shuttle.

- I need something loud,
not too loud like-- - Dog chainsaw?

- No, that's too droney.
- Marjorie: A dog snowmobile.

Why would I know what that even
sounds like? I mean, seriously.

- I'm sorry, ma'am.
- A dog leaf blower?

- Yeah, I like that. Yes.
- That's right.

- Steady.
- ...exactly like a dog chainsaw--

- ( all arguing indistinctly )
- ( Gary's video playing )

Okay, this is closed.
I don't know-- this is closed.

Wait a minute--
what is Gary doing here?

This is my first strategic
meeting at the big table.

Okay, guys,
what you need to do

is get me in front
of huge white audiences.

Huge. Huge.

Something that makes
a NASCAR race look

like a Jay-Z concert, you know?

Actually, ma'am, Jay-Z concerts
are almost all white people.

Okay, well, right? I know.

Mike:
Hey, guys! Big news.

Wendy and I are adopting
another Chinese baby.

Where are you registered?
Child Protective Services?

No, Gymboree.

I love that they make clothes
in your size now, Mike.

- Oh, gosh, ma'am. I forgot.
- Yeah?

The guy at the Chinese consulate

said he had a message
for you from President Liu.

Wait, what?

He said, "President Liu
is watching the election

with great interest and hopes
to return to your conversation

about the Diaoyu Islands
in the near future.

Hey, can you go look at,
uh, Gary's faith video?

- Yeah, we need some help.
- Oh, sure.

- You need the McLintock spin?
- Sure.

Oh, hey, ma'am,
you got a moment?

- Selina: No.
- Copy that.

What the fuck was-- out!

What was that?!

Liu sent you
a message inside Mike.

A misfortune cookie.

Who cares about
an island that doesn't have

a Four Seasons on it?

The Diaoyu Islands
are important

to the Chinese militarily,
but the United States

still does not recognize them
as Chinese territory.

Surely Liu recognizes
that I can't recognize

diddly-squat, unless...

You become President.

So what? You think that Liu

is trying to help me become--

Don't finish
that sentence, ma'am.

We can't have this discussion.
We are still a nation of laws.

- "Ish."
- "Esque."

Of course, but let's be clear

about what we're
not talking about.

Okay? We are not talking
about letting the Chinese

influence our
presidential election,

and certainly not in exchange

for me recognizing
those islands.

And, since it is
not being discussed,

then I do not have to mention

that you cannot
trust the Chinese.

And they will not sell
you out in a Beijing minute.

Wait, they will or they won't?

I don't know.

Well, I mean, can't we "not"

not do the thing
that we're not talking about?

I'm totally lost.

Do you think Captain Lady
Kangaroo heard any of that?

- I don't think so.
- No? Okay, good.

Fire her anyway just to be sure.

Consider her green-jeaned,
ma'am.

- Oh, ma'am, big news--
- Yeah?

- Tom James called.
He wants a meeting. - Is he dropping out?

A James endorsement right now
would be a game changer.

Selina: Set it up.
I wanna see Tommy beg.

So, how's Little Richard
doing with solid foods?

Don't ask me, ask her.
Apparently, she's in charge of him now.

Catherine,
please don't this.

You stole our baby
and you took him to church.

He saw a male Jesus.

When my uncle stole me,

I don't remember
where he took me,

but I do have
this recurring dream

where I almost find out.

Richard, what's that noise?

Oh, it's a crop duster.
They usually fly pretty low.

- Can you say "airplane?"
- Richard: Not that low.

- Oh, sweet male Jesus!
- Passerby: ( panicked yelling )

Marjorie and Catherine:
Richard?

- Marjorie: Are you okay?
- ( crop duster crashes )

( knocking on door )

Gary. You're growing your hair.

That's an amusing joke,
Senator James.

Senator, hello.

Tom James:
Madam President.

Marjorie, thanks very much.
You can leave.

Or I could stay.
Uh, for safety's sake. I'm a model of discretion.

Oh, you can be discreet
out in the hallway.

You just left her
in there? With him?

I was following orders.

So was Hitler.

Marjorie, there's something
that you need to see.

Catherine,
Little Richard is not sick.

Please stop taking
his temperature.

No, it's big Richard.

( yelps ) ( whimpers )

Reporter: I'm here reporting
from Lurlene, Iowa,

where earlier today an airplane

crashed
into the local 7-Eleven.

Miraculously,
there were no fatalities,

due in no small part
to the heroics

of Lurlene's own mayor,
Richard Splett.

Mayor Splett, what happened?

Uh, well, a crop duster
clipped a power line

and bumped
into a local 7-Eleven.

We're working with FEMA to
bring in emergency supplies and cigarettes.

I've never been more proud
I taught that man

to ejaculate into a cup.

Selina:
All right, Senator James, what's it gonna be?

I've heard you had
a yen for Treasury.

I think a lot of my supporters
would actually think

that State was more appropriate.

Ouch. Things are
that bad at home, huh?

Let's just say a few
international tours would ease domestic tensions.

( laughs ) Well,
it's pretty early days, though.

You know, and still
moving pieces around--

Foggy Bottom is a pretty big
plum to be giving away so soon.

Although Secretary of State
is only really powerful

if he or she has a close
personal relationship with the president.

I don't know. Tom,
I have to tell you, I'm really not convinced.

Well, if you like,
I could walk you through my foreign policy ideas.

You familiar with
"peace through strength"?

Oh. Keep talkin' like Reagan,
I'll work it like Nancy.

- Buddy: Congressman.
- Governor. Were you followed?

I don't know.

So, what would you offer me

as far as a cabinet position
in exchange for my endorsement?

Whoops. I guess we
got ourselves

a "Gift of the Magi"
situation here.

I was gonna ask you
for the same thing.

Wait, you're dropping out?

Maybe. Maybe not.

But I was gonna ask you
for Secretary of Interior.

Were you gonna ask for Interior
and then settle for HUD?

Dang it. So busted.

( chuckles )
Hey, is that Amy?

Oh, she said to say no.

- Oh.
- Amy: Get in the car.

No, yeah,
that's definitely Amy.

Oh, all right.

- See you later, man. Yeah.
- Good luck, bro.

Selina:
Oh, morning, boys.

All: Morning, ma'am.

Our good friend Tom James
just called a press conference.

- Oh, has he now? Wow.
- Dan: Yes.

I need fruit.

- On it.
- On it. I'm on it.

- Ma'am?
- Selina: Yeah?

Please tell me you didn't
promise him State?

There is no way
I would appoint anyone competent to anything

in my cabinet.

Morning. Thank you
for coming. Hope I can...

Cloud berries
are organic and Icelandic.

How lovely.

I have decided
to suspend my campaign

for President
of the United States.

- Aww, no. Tom, say it ain't so.
- ( all groaning )

Reporter: Will you be
making an endorsement?

I'd like to give my strongest
and most full-throated support

to the person who has proven
time and time again

to be a born leader.

I wonder who that could be.

I don't know who that is.

( all laughing )

...but unfortunately that
candidate has not yet emerged

and shows no sign of doing so.

- Huh?
- Tom: These are early days.

There's a lot of moving pieces,

- but I will not be
endorsing just yet. - No, no, no, no. What?!

Thank you,
and God bless America.

He just fucked me
right in the ass!

Son of a bitch
wouldn't endorse you.

- That, too!
- Ma'am, it's time to just give up on South Carolina.

- No, no! Move, move!
- ( all arguing indistinctly )

Are you kidding me?
We can't let Kemi get a foothold in South Carolina.

Think! Oh, I'll--

You call Dr. Thomas
and you tell him, yeah,

I'll speak before his
congregation tomorrow.

Ma'am, we need white voters.

- I mean that's,
that's not gonna work. - Selina: Yeah.

It will if I give a speech
in support

of local law enforcement
and that cop who killed

that kid who threatened him
with the candy bar!

Wh-- okay, so you wanna blow
a dog whistle in a black church?

I mean, that's like blowing
a rape whistle while you're raping somebody.

- Exactly.
- Speak truth to powerless.

I like that very much.
Write that down, Leon.

- I will do that.
- Here's the fruit.

Honeydew? If I wanna pretend
to be in the CNN green room,

I'll draw a face
on Ben's ass and call that Christiane Amanpour.

Tanz:
Jonah-lah!

What's this meshugas about
you dropping out of the race?

That can't happen. Chicken?

Mr. Tanz, they say that
I have no chance of winning.

Who said anything about winning?

You. I thought you said
I was gonna be president.

No, you did. ( chuckles )

Made me chuckle every time.
I never thought you could win.

Well, then why the fuck
am I running, sir?

As terribly as you're doing,

you're still winning delegates.

Mostly crazy cuckoos,

but you multiply that
by fifty states,

I can force the party
to make some tweaks

to the platform
at the convention.

Stricter marijuana laws!
Ta-da!

I need potheads
in my prisons.

Otherwise it's just
murderers and rapists.

It makes for a very
unpleasant atmosphere.

I wish I'd aborted myself.

Wait, so no one's really
trying to make me president?

- No.
- Wait, so this is all just to keep The Chronic illegal?

Now he gets it! Plus,

I need more casino
licenses for Macau.

I know it sounds
a little specific,

but in the end it'll
benefit all Americans.

Toodle-oo!

Dr. Jordan Thomas Jr.:
President Selina Meyer.

- Hello, Reverend.
- Good for you, girl.

I can't believe you did this.

- Yeah.
- You don't quit.

- No, I don't.
- Oh, I like that.

- Do you? Okay. Good.
- I do.

- And I love that little hat.
- Thank you.

Yeah, this whole
congregation's gonna love that little hat. ( laughs )

( chuckles ) Oh, God,
I think he has a crush on me.

- Yeah.
- He does not, ma'am.

Oh, come on.

I appreciate
your honesty, Marjorie.

- Okay.
- I mean, not that it matters.

He certainly isn't gonna
after I read this manifesto.

Permission to roll
your breasts, ma'am?

Oh, granted.

Dr. Jordan Thomas, Jr.:
Good morning, everybody.

Congregation:
Good morning.

Uh, we have
a special guest today.

I'm pretty sure
that you can imagine

that I'm a firm supporter
of the separation of church and state.

( congregation
exclaiming agreement )

- Because this is
the Lord's house. - ( all exclaiming agreement )

Not the White House.

But soon to be
the "Black House."

( al cheering )

Brothers and sisters, please
welcome President Selina Meyer.

Thank you. Thank you, Reverend.

Mm-hmm.

- Good morning.
- Congregation: Good morning.

I don't need to tell you that
church is a special place.

Dr. Jordan Thomas, Jr.:
That's right.

But it's also a place
for truth, isn't it?

That's right. That's right.

And what happened recently
in your community

to that young boy is very sad.

Congregation: Mm-hmm.

But here's the hard truth.

- There are many victims here.
- ( muttering )

Seina: And you might not
wanna hear this.

But the real victims
are the police...

( muttering )

..."ing."

Policing... that America
does in the South China Sea.

That's right. I went there.

It is time for America
to recognize

Chinese sovereignty
over the Diaoyu Islands

and the disputed mineral rights

of the surrounding seabed.

Can I get an amen?

- Woman: What?
- Amen.

Hello, everyone.
I'm Mike McLintock,

and Mc-welcome to the first
episode of "McLintock--" I mean "talk."

Today I have a BuzzFeed
exclusive.

We are getting
the first national interview

with Lurlene, Iowa's
dog mayor,

who it turns out
is not a dog, but a human.

Mayor Richard Splett,
are you there?

Hi, Mike.
Big fan of the show.

Mayor Splett, how does it feel
to be the hero of 7-Eleven?

Oh, I'm no hero.

I'm just a mayor who now,

temporarily, has a Slurpee
machine in his office.

- Well--
- I need my iPad.

( sighs ) Mayor Splett,
did you realize

what you were doing
was so courageous?

- Oh, good question.
- Thank you. It's actually Wendy's.

I guess I just did what anybody
would do if they were there.

Except the people who were there
and didn't do anything.

You heard it here first.

Stick around
for more McLintock

with Mike McLin-talk.

Keith: Spare a nanosecond
for First Mate Quinn?

What do you want, Keith?

Wow. Okay.

Wo zai zehli bangmang.

Uh, is that Mandarin?

Yes, it was.
I happen to consult

for a number of very large
clients in Asia who have

a strong interest in
Sino-American relations,

and they were very, very
impressed and delighted by your sermon.

( laughs ) I don't know
what you're talking about--

I would say that we're
well past the point

of plausible deniability
at this point.

I-- you know,
I haven't committed to, um, anything--

- Well, actually--
- Hi, ma'am.

- Yeah?
- Can I share the news with you?

- What?
- You need to hear this.

Look. Faith-based
initiative just raised

twenty-five million dollars.

Wow. Way to go, buddy!

- All of a sudden,
out of nowhere! Anonymously. - What? Um--

Okay, I'll get out
of you hair, ma'am.

Okay.

It must've been
the video I made, right?

Well, I can't think
of any other reason.

Well, let's be honest.
God had a lot to do with it, too.

- Oh, sure! Yeah.
- ( laughs )

- It's a miracle.
- Let's go spend twenty-five million dollars

on some racist robo callers.

- Praise the Lord.
- Right?

Jonah: Thank you.

You know who else
thinks that I don't have the intelligence

or the "tentrament"
to be president?

- My very own campaign staff.
- ( muttering )

Jonah: That's right.

They have been trying to stop me

from becoming president.

- ( booing )
- Jonah: Yeah, no-- yeah, boo!

Let 'em have it.

That is my campaign chair,

Amy Brookheimer.

She recently had an abortion.

And that is my chief strategist,
Teddy Sykes,

and he is an overgrown midget

who had to be
chemically castrated.

- ( gasping )
- And that guy right there,

that's Eric something.

- Bill Ericsson.
- That's Eric Bill Ericsson,

and he thinks he's
better than everybody else in this room.

- ( booing )
- I've never seen anything like this.

He's actually running
against his own campaign. Macau, here we come.

And one more thing.
I just found out from my stupid stepfather that--

Teddy: Father-in-law!

...from my stupid
stepfather-in-law

that math was created
by Muslims.

( shouting )

Yeah. And we teach
this Islamic math to children.

Math teachers are terrorists.

( gasping )

- I love this.
- Okay. That, that's it.

I may be a registered
sex offender,

but I cannot be
a part of this. I'm, I'm gone.

Algebra?
More like Al Jazeera.

Under a Ryan presidency,
I will ban this Sharia math

from being taught
to American children.

- Amy, are you coming?
- Jonah: There will be no more math.

One sec.

Jonah and Crowd:
( chanting ) No more math!

God fuck America.
No more math! No more math!

Jonah and Crowd:
( chanting ) No more math!

( grunts )

No-- are you--
she's fine. She's fine.

Well, I'll tell you one thing.

If we lose,
it certainly won't be

for lack of touching
people in a Denny's.

- All right.
So, how's the turnout? - Ben: Uh, like my prostate.

- Mostly black and much
larger than we'd like. - ( overlaps ) Oh, shit.

We're seeing unprecedented
levels of African-American voter engagement.

All right. Well,
that's terrible... but also inspiring.

Welcome to
"McLintock Embedded."

- Oh! We're live.
- Madam President,

would you like to say
something to our viewers?

Sure, um, if you
haven't voted, please--

Oh, sorry. I'm getting a call.
I apologize, it's Wendy.

Oh.

Hey. No, now is a good time.

- Mike: What's up?
- Can't buy that kind of press.

- I'm sorry.
- I need to talk to you.

Sparkling water, ma'am?

Yes, oh, perfect.

Close the door. Okay.
Ben, I sold my soul

to the Chinese for a lousy
twenty-five million dollars.

Ma'am, I warned you.

You cannot trust the Chinese.

I married enough
of them to know that.

Wait, isn't your wife Korean?

Maybe. Fog of war.

( knocking on door )

Ma'am. You wanna see this.

Something's happening.

Cora: ...poll watchers
are reporting that over

forty-eight thousand
black voters were turned away

because their middle initials
on the voter rolls

did not match
their identification.

- Wait, what?
- Dan: Yeah, listen to this.

"Widespread power outages
across the state,

and police are urging residents

to stay at home
for their own safety."

"The outages
seem to be occurring

primarily in African
American neighborhoods."

It's a total blackout.

- Okay, Ben!
- Oh, ma'am, big news.

- Wendy just got a call.
- What?!

We're gonna adopt
another baby from China!

You know, I think it's
that secret message that I--

No, no! ( stuttering ) Move!

( all shouting indistinctly )

Man: We got three hours left.
We can turn this.

Dan: ...call the Precinct
Captains right now.

Man: We can turn this!

I think the Chinese
just delivered.

And?

Thank you, South Carolina!

We had an amazing
turnout on our side.

( crowd cheering )

Yeah!

And you know how I like
to celebrate when I win?

All: How?!

By winning some more!

- Balloons.
- ( music playing over speakers )

( all cheering )

From now on, I do what I want,

I take what I want,
whenever I want it. ( chuckles )

"New Selina Now."

Let's watch
my victory speech again.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Uh, I don't--
I don't have the remote.

Oh, it's on the table
by the chair.

So go get it.

Good morning, ma'am.

Morning. Hey, Marjorie,
look at my eyes.

Tell me straight.
Do they look okay to you?

They look very puffy, ma'am.

- Ugh.
- Gary: Hey.

Hey, good morning.
Morning, ma'am. Marjorie.

- Morning.
- Gary.

- Hey, Gary?
- Yeah.

Do my eyes look puffy to you?

I'm surprised they
let you run for president,

because you look
thirty-four, tops.

( chuckles ) Yeah.
Marjorie, you're out.

- ( chuckles )
- And you're... back in.

Okay? You just
go back to whatever you were doing before.

- Finance Chair.
- All right, well, whatever.

So who's in charge of
the faith-based outreach now?

- Not it.
- You are.

- Oh, I am?
- Yeah, yeah. You still are.

And Keith Quinn'll
help you out too, I think.

Yes, there you go. So,
your name will be all over it.

Like Jodie Foster
in John Hinckley's diary.

Oh, my God.
I'm obsessed with her.

- Let's go.
- ( chuckles )

Congratulations, Gary.
The better woman won.

I'll take that. Thank you.

I moved some things around.

Oh, ( chuckling ) did you?
Wow. It looks better.

- Mm-hmm.
- The tampons are vertical, that's brilliant--

- Selina: Gary?
- Yep?

Shouldn't you be pre-chewing

my mother's food for her?

I told her her eyes
looked puffy.

( scoffs )
Thank you, chipmunk.

You're welcome, Catherine.

Hey-O, Dan-O!
You bustin' outta here?

Yeah, yeah. Oh,
I need an itinerary.

Itineraries are only
for people who work on the campaign.

And?

Wait, I'm fired?
Per fucking who?!

Per Selina.
I believe her words were,

"If I need another
Washington douche,

I'll go to
the M Street Rite Aid."

You should flip
through your NDA.

If you breathe a word
of anything, to anyone,

we'll slit your throat.

Later, gator!

Greg Hart:
Congressman Ryan placed a distant third last night.

Where does the campaign
go from here?

Third place was
a massive win for us.

Selina Meyer and Kemi Talbot
can feel Jonah Ryan

breathing down their necks.

Jonah Ryan
said he's been lying

to everyone the whole time.

Why should anyone
trust him now?

Frankly, Jonah Ryan
is the only candidate

who's honest
about his dishonesty.

And that is why Jonah Ryan
is the next President of the United States.

Speaking as someone
who's covered politics for twenty years,

- Jonah Ryan terrifies me.
- That's your opinion.

I find his mindless,
toxic fear-mongering

a dangerous addition
to our already divisive political climate.

Again, your opinion.

Tomorrow morning,
we will be live

with exclusive coverage
of Congressman Ryan's rally

in Youngstown, Ohio,
only on CNN.

Tell my attorney to meet me in
the next filler state we're in

'cause last I heard,

you can't run for office
and be in prison.

BEN CAFFERTY: Well, maybe
in the House you can't.

MAN:
Our government has assigned you

your very own
Secret Service detail.

Congressman Ryan,
it's an honor.

Oh, yeah! This is like
looking in a mirror!

Yeah, a hot mirror.

I have always been transparent
about how old I am.

-Yeah, 55.
-I believe it's 53.

-Late 40s.
-You're all correct.

Last night...

I don't like when people
get closer to talk to me.

It usually means
they're gonna be facing

a longer prison sentence.

-...I saw Andrew.
-The prosecution rests.

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