All language subtitles for Veep s07e02 Discovery Weekend.eng

I love this country.

My candidacy begins right now!

-(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
-♪ (MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

MIKE MCLINTOCK:
Mike McLintock...

-SELINA MEYER:
I know who you are. -...BuzzFeed magazine...

-Uh-huh. Okay.
-...print edition. Okay.

(APPLAUSE)

REPORTER: What would you say
to someone who might ask,

"How can they marry?
They're stepsiblings?"

I'm not her brother,
and I never was.

Except for that one year.

I'm thinking of having this baby

and I'm not asking anything
of you, literally nothing,

but I do want the baby to know
that you're the father...

-Okay, goodnight, Dan.
-Goodnight, Amy.

Ma'am, you need to see this.

I believe that our country
will always be a shining

-beacon of hope.
-Oh, God, he looks good.

- ( hoedown music playing )
- Square Dance Caller: Now bow to your partner...

- Bow to your partner.
- Swing your partner...

Swing your partner.

Ben, I really don't like
being told what to do.

Well, Felix Wade
is the biggest bundler in the party,

and he loves making
millionaires square dance.

Bad news, ma'am.
The US Attorney's Office in New York

has empaneled a grand jury
to investigate the Meyer Fund,

- What?!
- and they're looking at Andrew as a target.

- Caller: Swing the corner...
- Around the corner.

- Shit! Oh...Roger.
- Selina, looks like

we're swingin' together!

I would have invited my wife,

but she's a squirter,
and that dress

doesn't look like
it's been Scotch-guarded.

Ever the charmer,
Mr. Party Chairman.

- Roll her away...
- OK, when do we get

- the check from Felix?
- End of the weekend.

He's gonna make you official
at the final dinner.

For that amount of money
to my campaign,

I'll do-si-do
for his do-si-dough.

Caller:
And give yourself a hand!

( crowd applauding )

Welcome to my 16th Annual
Discovery Weekend.

We're here in Aspen

to build bridges
to the future.

Bridges made of ideas.

No wonder the rest
of the world hates us.

Gayle King is here!

- Oh, my God.
- ( applause )

But you're not here

just to innovate
entrepreneurial solutions

to the problems of tomorrow--
you wanna square dance!

- ( hoedown music plays )
- I'm done with this.

( theme music playing )

Selina:
I've waited a long time for this.

I guess Felix Wade always
thought I was--

- Ben: A lightweight?
- Goddamnit, I hate that word.

- Why? You're so skinny.
- N-- Oh. Yeah.

Ma'am. Ma'am.
I ran a little intel,

and apparently
the secret to Felix Wade

is to always repeat
the last two sentences that he says.

Oh, come on.
That is idiotic.

- That's what I said.
- Is he really that insecure?

Come on, that is idiotic.
He's really that insecure?

- Right? Gary gets it.
- Felix: Madam President.

- Oh, Felix!
- I am thrilled

that you finally got lured to
one of our little get-togethers.

Well, I'll tell ya a secret,

it's the only reason
I'm really running for president.

( laughing )

Really? I feel like

you should have
a better reason than that.

Uh-- Um... Well--

Felix, can I talk to you
for a moment?

It's been a delight.
I will see you later.

It has been a delight,

and you shall see me later.

Thank you very much.

OK. Isn't it astounding
that the next President of the United States

is being chosen by a closeted
ex-record producer?

The Electoral College
hasn't exactly been hitting it out of the park.

And is it just me,
or does Felix's friend seem a little young?

He'll look older after
Felix switches blood with him.

Ma'am, Felix Wade's sexuality
is the worst best-kept secret

since Clyde Tolson's
hysterical pregnancy.

The man lives in a vast
invisible closet.

- Sounds amazing.
- Amy: I'm gonna be sick.

Wow. It always
has to be about her.

- Never fails.
- Every time.

Can you see if
they can make me

a specialty cocktail?

- Of course.
- Thank you.

( Amy retching )

( toilet flushing )

( Amy whimpers )

Gary.

I've been having
an upset stomach,

'cause I, uh, I... I ate--

Ohhh!

( retching )

( toilet flushing )

Amy:
Hey, do me a favor

and don't say anything
to anyone--

( grunts ) OK--

Mike:
There it is.

Hey, is Kim here?

No, she got fired
for sleeping with you.

Buzzfeed runs
a notoriously tight ship.

I should probably thank you.

You are lookin' at the new
Deputy Senior Editor.

They're puttin' me up,
and all I gotta do

is sit on some panel
for new media innovators.

What do you know
about new media,

Mike29748@aol.com?

Oh, no. I got hacked.

It's Mike53729.

Still @aol though, right?

- Until I die.
- Right.

Ma'am. Ma'am, ma'am.
Guess what?

- Amy's bulimic.
- What?!

- Well, it's about time.
- Yeah!

And I'll tell ya something,
she might want to consider

a little more purging,
a little less bingeing.

God, that girl
can't do anything right.

- Amy: Ma'am, I am so sorry--
- Kent: Amy, you got

some vomit on your mustache.

Selina:
What the Rocky Mountain fuck?!

Ben! I thought I was
the only candidate invited to this thing.

- So I was told.
- So why don't you go find out?

Amy:
I'm gonna shut it down, ma'am.

Uh-- Tom!

Look what the Gulfstream
dragged in.

Gosh, I didn't see
a TED talk for fake folksiness on the schedule.

4:30.

Kent, can you remind me
real quick,

how many points
am I beating Tom by?

Des Moines Register
says 18 points.

Ooh, 18 points!
Oh, my goodness!

That makes me moister
than an oyster.

- Plus or minus four points.
- OK, still pretty moist.

- Although a lot of Iowans
no longer have landlines. - It's fine.

Senator James,
we need to keep moving.

Ma'am.

Good Lord, what's up with
Frigid Von Pole-Up-Her-Ass?

That is my Deputy Chief
of Staff, Michelle York.

She's basically my Amy.

- Well, my Amy has bulimia.
- Yeah.

- No one likes
a braggart, Selina. - Tom, what are you doing here?

Just an old friend of Felix's,
and I guess he thought

I might enjoy a weekend
in Aspen.

- Uh-huh.
- Make some... new friends.

- Good morning, jerk-offs.
- All: Morning, ma'am.

Ma'am, apparently last night

Tom and Felix ended up
closing down the Casamigos Tequila Ideas Bar together.

Now Felix's people
are saying that he wants to choose between you and Tom.

Oh, come on.
Son of a dick!

I want all eyes on Tom now.

He cannot spend
another second with Felix

without me jammed
in between 'em

like the cross-piece
on an Eiffel Tower three-way.

MMF. The Devil's threesome.

Isn't that Senator Talbot
over there?

She used to run the SDNY.

- She might be able to help us
with the Andrew situation. - Yeah.

Gary, go and get her for me
right now.

I actually consider her
to be a bit of a protégée.

- Does she know that?
- Thought I was your protégée.

- No, you're Ben's protégée.
- Ben: Not a very good one.

You know something, ma'am?
Senator Talbot

might not be a terrible choice
for a running mate.

An all-female ticket?
I don't think so.

( laughs )
The American people work hard for a living, OK?

They don't need
that kind of bullshit!

- Ma'am, Senator Talbot.
- Madam President.

Kemi! Oh, my God,
my protégée!

- Oh! Very nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.

- I'm Amy--
- Oh, no, no! You!

- How are things on the Hill?
- Crazy as ever.

Did Senator Isles
try and... grab your ass?

- Oh, yeah.
- He used to say that mine was like a candy apple.

- Gary: Mmm.
- ( laughs )

Actually, Senator Isles
is under investigation right now, so...

For what?

For the inappropriate--

Oh, yeah, right.
'Cause that's bad now.

Gary: Ma'am,
Tom James is on the move.

I-- So good to see you!

So good to see you,
Madam President.

Just-- Yeah.

Oh, look at you outside!

- Oh, Tom!
- Are you all right?

Wow, that is so incredible!
I did not see you there.

Well, that's funny that
you sprinted around the entire deck

to just bump into me
sight unseen.

So, uh, I heard you had
a very big night

with Felix last night.

You really
should have been there.

One thing I've learned
in politics,

a lot of the best stuff
happens afterhours.

Oh, is that so,
Captain Morgan?

Thank you so much
for man-telling me that.

I believe the word
you're fumbling for is "mansplaining."

- Man-- OK-- splain--
- Michelle: Senator, we have to go.

Madam President.

Yeah.

I got a picture.

Of what?

Of his Amy?

His who?

His Amy.

- Ma'am, I don't see it.
- Seriously?

With this? And the...

No, ma'am, I got a picture
of his schedule.

Presentation on compost
at the Treehouse Theater, 9:00 a.m.

Felix will be there
with him. OK, I'm--

Amy, seriously,
I know I rarely say this,

- but that was really--
- Gary: O...K.

- Did you see what
she had for breakfast? - Yeah.

And I bet she had
a breakfast before that breakfast.

There is no doubt
about that.

OK, let's go to compost.

- OK? What is compost?
- I don't...

What I think we'd really
like to get at, Congressman,

is, what sets you apart
from the other candidates?

Well, for one thing, uh,
I have a lot of new ideas.

Oh.

And what are some
of those new ideas?

Well, science tells us
that it will be difficult...

but within five years,
I want America...

to put a man
on Ellen DeGeneres.

( laughs )
Up top!

- Thank you, Richard.
- I didn't think you'd do that one.

It's pretty good, right?

- It's great, thank you.
- Jonah: She's a lesbian.

- No, we get it.
- Right.

- We get the joke.
- OK.

Congressman Ryan,
I'd like you to address

some rumors that have
been circulating online

that you made
inappropriate advances

toward a female staffer
on Capitol Hill.

I'm sorry. Derek,
can we have a minute?

Just one moment.

( clears throat ) Apparently,

there's been
an anonymous posting

about a "dead-eyed,
lantern-jawed,

one-and-done Congresstard"

who acted in a sexually
inappropriate manner?

- Well, that could be anybody.
- Sounds like you.

Jonah, who have you traumatized?
Start with the doctor who delivered you.

- I haven't traumatized anyone.
- There was your aide, Emma Gray.

Oh, Schnozz?
She was stuck up, I was just callin' her on it.

Congresswomen Troy
and Vasconi.

Oh, Monster Tits
and Monster Tits, Jr.?

But all I did there
was express some genuine concern

that they had bras
big enough to handle all that meat.

At the Congressional
Prayer Breakfast.

Yeah. It was exactly
what Jesus would have done.

I mean, he's a man too, Teddy.

OK, listen. Jonah...

if anyone asks,

tell 'em you've been
chemically castrated.

It's very easy to lie about.

Believe me, nobody checks.

OK.

- Selina: Well, that was
a waste of time. - Gary: Here's some Purell.

I need, like,
a tub of this stuff.

- Ben: Where have you been?
- Dan: Tom and Felix

spent the entire morning
French-braiding each other's bald spots.

Somebody's gotta go in there
and lure Felix out.

- OK, I can--
- Dan.

- Dan.
- Yeah, Dan.

Yeah, that feels right.

I hope he's
Felix's type.

In current gay parlance,

Dan presents somewhere
between a "wolf" and an "otter,"

some would call
a "frost otter."

Felix:
It's always...

Mr. Wade, I was wondering
if I could steal steal you--

Fly away, please,
we're busy.

- Boy Toy 1: Bye, Dan.
- Boy Toy 2: Nice try, Grandma,

but you aged out of Felix's demo
back in the 20th century.

Uh, I'm 39-and-a-half.

You may want to start
coloring that gray.

Just a thought.

Bye, now.

- What-- Dan?
- I need a minute.

- Gary: Ooh.
- What's wrong with him?

( groans ) Something's
going around or something,

- 'cause my stomach is--
- Amy, please. We all know, OK?

And I would give you
one word of advice,

which is to try laxatives.

I'll tell you why.

It saves your teeth.

Ma'am-- I'm pregnant.

( laughing )

Can you imagine?

I'm pregnant.

- That's not funny.
- Now I'm gonna be sick.

- How did that happen?
- One night. With Dan. I don't--

- Dan fucked you?
- Mm-hmm.

What, were you wearing
a full-length mirror?

That's tough,
but fair.

God Almighty,
shoulda had you fixed years ago.

Listen, I did not spend
my entire life

defending a woman's
right to choose

for you to choose this.

- ( gagging )
- Jesus Christ.

( clapping ) Bravo.

- Oh, Felix.
- I can't count the number of times

I've wanted to say
the same thing.

Do you know that
there's one girl

that worked in my office
who had four kids.

- What was she, a possum?
- Actually Korean, but that's very funny.

Selina, would you care to take
a little nature walk with me?

Oh, I would care to do that.

Thank you. ( laughs )

- No? No.
- Yep.

The thing I realized
about hip hop before anyone else

is that the artists

would sign away
the publishing rights

- for next to nothing!
- ( both laughing )

Selina:
That's an incredible anecdote!

You know, Selina,
to be honest,

I've been telling people
for years

that you're
a bit of a lightweight.

Well, O-- Yes, I mean,

I can be a bit of a--
a lightweight.

You said it, not me!

But it takes a brave person
to be able to see one's shortcomings.

- Yeah, it does.
- In this day and age,

- it's very, very refre--
- Remarkable.

- Refreshing.
- Refreshing was the word I meant.

- Exactly.
- Thank you. Yes.

You know,
we do this little thing here

called
the Marshmallow Roast Talk.

Do you think you could
throw together a few remarks?

Because I really want to hear
more of what you have to say.

You know, I want to hear more
of what you have to say.

I would suspect
that I have many guests here

that would like to hear
what I have to say about what you have to say.

That brain of yours
is fascinating to me!

It scares me sometimes.

Teddy:
Jonah, your accuser is here.

Ms. White. Thank you...

so much for joining us.

The congressman
has something prepared

and very heartfelt

he would like
to say to you.

I'm sorry, Amanda,
if I behaved in a way

that made you uncomfortable
or inappropriate.

All right? God!

And you should try
smiling more.

We have this
non-disclosure agreement

for you to sign
in exchange--

Actually, I was hoping

Jonah could sign
my non-disclosure agreement.

It says that as far as
the law is concerned, we never dated.

( laughs ) I'm sorry,
there's no way I'm gonna sign that.

You are a stone-cold,
neck-down hottie.

I want the whole world
to know we dated.

We had one working lunch,
and we split the bill.

I split the bill
on all my dates.

Why would I pay for a girl
to get fatter?

- ( laughs ) He's such a--
- Ew! It was strictly professional!

There was nothing professional
about my behavior!

Nothing happened, Mr. Ryan.

I'm in a relationship
with a good, normal man,

who loves me.
Yeah, normal.

But if he were to find out that
we even had lunch together,

I'm not sure he'd be
strong enough to stand it.

God, Jamaican jerk Jesus,
just sign this!

No, Teddy!

Jonah Ryan will not be silenced.

We dated...

and the world's
gonna know that.

Woman:
Madam President, Felix is going to introduce you.

Here's your
marshmallow stick.

Oh, that's very exciting,
isn't it? OK.

( clears throat )

- Knock, knock.
- Oh, shit.

Just wanted to say
congratulations, Selina.

- Oh.
- I did everything I could

to get Felix to give me
the marshmallow speech.

He's not the greatest listener.

Did you offer to blow him?

Tut-tut, Selina.

We do not refer to Mr. Wade's
sexual orientation.

- Sorry.
- But yes. Yes, I did.

Well, I didn't tell him
you were a lousy lay.

Probably read it
in our books.

( sardonic laughter )

I love you.

I love you too, Tom.
Go fuck yourself.

- Aide: Ma'am.
- Oh, yes. Yeah.

Selina, I mean it.

You're in my head
all the time.

You always have been
and you always will be.

- Yeah, yeah.
- I love you.

- Ma'am.
- Yeah--

- Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.
- Ma'am.

( guests applauding )

Oh, here she is!

Selina:
Here. I can't hold this. I can't.

Oh, wow. Um...

uh, thank you, Felix,

for this incredible opportunity.

I don't-- I don't, uh, think

it's controversial for--

for me to say to you...

Uh, I mean, ya know,

um...

the movers and shakers
who confront the, uh,

ya know, um, uh...

challenges...
( laughing )

...uh, that we face,
both, ya know,

abroad and, um, and, um, um,

ya know, at home.

Uh, we...

argggh!

- What is happening here?
- I have no idea.

Ya know, leadership, ya know,

uh, I mean, is a tricky... um...

- ( Selina stuttering )
- She's having a textbook aneurysm.

Still looks like a goddess.

...and--and--and--and--and, uh,

th-that's tricky.

- Selina: Tom?
- Yeah?

- Can I talk to you
just for a second? - Sure.

OK...
let me have it.

Hey, you don't get to smile
about this, OK?

What are you,
some sort of sociopath?

That was the most
humiliating experience

I've had in my entire life,
and I was Vice President

- of the United States--
- I had a heart attack.

- What?
- Eight months ago.

Quadruple bypass,
the old James ticker.

Which, I was all for it
when it killed my dad,

but it's not so funny
when the shoe's on the other ventricle.

( speaks louder )
Which I thought you might be interested in.

- Right. No, I think it is--
- Oh, I'm sorry.

- No, you're good.
- No problem.

- That was in Iraq,
Senator James? - Afghanistan.

In Afghanistan, OK.

Wait a minute,
what are you saying?

I was lying there
with a lot of tubes and wires

sticking out of me,
and all I could think was

all the things I wished
I'd said to you

and things I wished I'd done,
we'd done.

I had a heart attack too.

- What?
- Mm-hmm.

I did. Really.
About a year and a half ago.

We-- We covered
the whole thing up.

We called mine a "routine
prostate procedure."

Well, yeah,
men have it so easy.

People assumed
I was having a face-lift.

And then when I did
have a face-lift,

I had to tell everybody
I was visiting the troops.

When I had my face-lift,
we told people that you were having a face-lift.

( laughs softly )

( clears throat )

So...

you love me?

Maybe there's...

an alternate universe

where we're not in politics,

we're just...

unhappily married
somewhere in the suburbs.

Uh-huh. And you work
at a car dealership?

Assistant manager.

- Oh! Look at you!
- And we argue about

how much money
we're spending on landscaping,

and I think you flirt
a little too much with the kids' tennis coach.

- And then we blow
each other's brain's out. - Yeah.

( sighs )

- Now, see, this...
- ( Selina mumbles )

more of my bad timing.

Unless somebody...

drops out of the race.

Let's face it,

if you were the kind of woman
who'd choose me

over the presidency,

I wouldn't want you
so crazily.

I'm gonna kick your ass
all over the electoral map.

Good night, Selina.

( breathless )
Oh, God.

Oh! There you are.
( laughing )

- You saw the whole thing,
didn't ya? - I did.

How about a hot soak
with a Laura Mercier bath bomb?

Ahhhh...

Is it gonna explode
between my legs

and make me cum
until I cry?

I think it's peppermint.

( exhales )

You OK, Dan?

Ames, am I gettin' old?
I swear, I feel like I'm five minutes away

from fiber supplements
and voting in midterms.

- I mean, we all are.
- Maybe I gotta stop foolin' around.

Maybe that's it.
Maybe I gotta cut out

all the meaningless sex
with girls half my age.

I mean, you pull it out
to cum on her tits

'cause you think
it's gonna make you feel alive.

But it doesn't matter
where you cum, Ames.

Ya know? It just doesn't.
It just--

- It doesn't.
- Yeah.

Sometimes it's good
to think about the future.

( chuckles )
Don't know what I'd do without you.

Dan:
The future...

Selina:
OK, after last night,

none of these masturbators
of the universe

are even looking me
in the eye

ever since Felix
decided to back Tom.

And isn't that Tom over there
with your protégée?

What? Who?

Ben:
Ooh, Tom and Kemi would be a formidable ticket.

They could reassure people
that look like him

that their country
wouldn't be ruined

by people that look like her.

Goddamnit!

- Amy: Take a few
deep breaths first. - Don't tell me how to breathe.

Good morning.

Hey, Felix, can I talk to you
for a quick second?

We've said everything
we need to.

Ya know? Like you
repeatedly said last night.

Well, you know how you
finance guys like to talk about disrupting things?

How about we disrupt
the election?

Scatter.

Yeah, like now.

- Get out.
- Ohh.

- Tell me more, Selina.
- Yeah.

I'm addicted to disruption,

especially since
I stopped using cocaine.

( laughing )

You're--

You're s--

Um, good for you.

Um, we, um...

we don't wait
for the convention, Felix.

I name my running mate now.

Even before the Iowa caucus.
No one has ever done that before.

- I love it. This is exciting.
- You do? I'm excited too.

- Was this your idea?
- Yeah, but I'm gonna tell you something.

You gave me the idea.

I'm not shocked about that.

- ( glass clinking )
- Jonah: Thank you for having me.

A lot of you knew me
when I was really little

and I was just running
around in diapers.

- ( laughter )
- And now here we are,

and a lot of you
are wearin' diapers.

( Beth cackles )

Well, you might all know
that old chestnut, "Mother knows best"?

- All: Oh...
- I think there's a lot of truth in that.

Jonie, look!
They're talking about you on the television!

Turn it up!

Richard:
"Lyin' Ryan."

( laughs )
That's gonna stick.

Jonah Ryan and I
have not ever dated,

nor gone on a date
of any kind.

That's not true.

We had one meal together,

but it was strictly
professional

and in the presence of others.

It was really
more of a group thing.

( snorts ) C-Come on.

He once tried to friend me
on Facebook,

and I did that thing

where I never responded
"yes" or "no,"

hoping-- praying--

that it would end.

( crying )
His behavior was

completely appropriate
at all times.

Ohh, no! I was all over her!

I got super handsy!

For too long
women have been silent

in the face of rumors they went
out with Congressman Ryan.

But finally, people are
starting to believe women,

and I believe Amanda
when she says, "Not me.

Not. Me."

That's catchy too.

Felix, um, I'd like

to introduce you
to Senator, uh, Alohak--

Oluwakemi.

Yes. Talbot.

Kemi is the future

of our party.

An... all-female ticket?

The first one since
Carter-Mondale.

( Selina laughs )

I'm not mad at that.

- Kemi, is it?
- It is.

Would you care to take
a little nature walk with Selina and me?

- Absolutely.
- Tom: I love nature.

Mind if I tag along?

No, Tom.

That would be awkward.

I've changed my mind again.

Ya know.

( knocking )

- Yeah.
- I've been thinking

a lot about what you said,

so maybe it's time
for us to settle down

- and raise our baby, and--
- I'm so sorry.

I'm just about to fuck
this really hot 19-year-old cater waitress. OK?

Oh, and get this.
Her name's Meagan.

- Ohhhh...
- ( Dan laughing )

Hi. Yes, I would like
to schedule an appointment

with one of your OB/GYNs.

Yes, it's for an abortion.

Yes, I'm sure.

Oh, do you also do flu shots?

Hey.

Oh!

Kent:
Congratulations, ma'am.

Mr. Wade has officially
chosen you to sit next to him

- at tonight's farewell dinner.
- ( laughs )

Show me some money!

- "The."
- The what?

- The money. "Show me the--"
- No.

Gary:
( laughing ) All right!

Who wants some prosecco?

No one. Literally no one
ever wants prosecco.

- Give me that.
- Ben: Ma'am,

you're gonna be
drowning in money so dark

it could get shot
entering its own apartment.

( laughs ) We gotta leak this
everywhere, OK?

Seriously, it's America's
first two-cooter ticket.

- Look great on a button.
- And Mike works for the internet now, right?

- Tell him we got a big scoop.
- Ben: Texting him now.

I saw him earlier
at the sundae bar

struggling with
the sprinkle dispenser.

Ma'am, do you want
to pick out an outfit for tonight?

- Oh, yes. Good.
- This color's actually quite strong.

- Ma'am.
- What?

You are not
going to believe it.

Tom James
is fucking Michelle.

- Who?
- Who?

His Deputy Chief of Staff.

- Who is that?
- I don't know who that is.

- His Amy!
- ( gasps ) Oh-ho-ho!

What?!

How dare that smooth shitsack

cheat on his wife
and risk his political future

with someone that's not me?

What about this?
I think it complements

Felix's spray tan
really well.

He doesn't give a shit.
Just because Felix Wade

is gayer than an Eames chair
in assless leather chaps

doesn't mean that he's
some sort of fashion diva.

Can you-- Arrghh.

Where is Tom James?

Felix Wade is gay?

Thank you, ma'am!

Jonah, even more women
are stepping forward

to say they never dated you.

The NotMe hashtag,
blowin' up big-time.

It's a goddamn movement.

Richard:
The good news is, our approval rating

in New Hampshire
is skyrocketing.

Wait, hold that thought.
It's upside-down.

Maybe we should reopen
the Iowa office.

- Jonah: Let's not do that.
- Reporter: Congressman Ryan!

Thousands of women
have joined #NotMe

to say they've never dated you
and never will.

Thousands of
unattractive women.

- Mrs. Ryan, any comment?
- I stand behind these brave,

unattractive women
who have come forward to say, "Not me."

Once upon a time,
back in high school,

I too did not date Jonah Ryan.

Although I did go out
with his super handsome cousin Ezra.

It's important to note
they only got to third base.

- Thank you.
- No comment.

Teddy:
Ho ho ho! Check out Buzzfeed.

Looks like
we're not the only campaign

who farted and had to
throw their pants away.

Selina Meyer just
outed Felix Wade!

Oh. And there's
another hashtag trending.

eWtoN.
No, that's upside-down.

It's still NotMe.

- You should lock
your screen, dude. - Yeah.

Where is Mike?!

Where is that fat-faced,
freckled fuck-it-up-agus?

Hiding in the bathroom,
ma'am,

making pretend
diarrhea noises.

I just can't believe that
that second-hand Muppet

wrote an article that
people actually read.

Including Felix.
Who, by the way

ma'am, moved you
to table 47

along with his driver
and his daughter.

Selina:
Oh. OK, well,

I guess I need to go
and congratulate him now.

I'm gonna choke him
with that giant cock of his,

- see how he likes it.
- Ahh.

Selina: Ahem.

- Hi there, Tom!
- Hey.

I heard you had
a very busy afternoon

working your staff
to the bone.

I'd ask what you did
this afternoon,

but I think
I read something about that.

( laughing )

Did Mrs. James send you
to chaperone?

- Oh, come--
- Me?

Because back in
our old Senate days,

this one here
had a real thing for blond hill rats

in Nine West pumps
desperate to fuck their way to the middle.

- Oh, boy.
- But that was a long time ago, so...

You know what I'd love
is a spicy mescal margarita

with light agave
and heavy salt.

What are you looking
at him for?

Ma'am, I'm the Senator's
Deputy Chief of Staff.

Congratulations.
Then you probably won't fuck it up.

( softly ) OK.

- ( Michelle groans )
- Watch where you're goin'!

- Sorry, Madam President.
- Uh-huh.

- Light agave. Yes.
- Yes, Madam President.

God, I feel so sorry for
whoever's stickin' their dick in that bag of mayonnaise.

- I'm gonna go find my seat.
- Yeah.

Well, give my regards
to Felix and his checkbook.

Sadly, I am not the recipient
of Mr. Wade's munificence.

Wha--

Well, he sure as shit
didn't pick me.

- Oh, did he?
- Felix: Have you met Senator Talbot?

I like to say
she's the future of the party. I mean, look at her!

Fuck me in the Aspen.

She's running for president?

I don't know what she is,
but it's great.

- It's great. So exciting.
- Kemi: It is great.

- So exciting.
- So exciting.

The tri-racial twat
stabbed me in the back!

She really is
your protégée.

I'll see
ya on the trail.

Richard:
It's so nice to be back home in Iowa.

Place is a dump.

New polls from New Hampshire.
Seems you just left yesterday,

but your numbers
are already way up.

- Jonah: Yeah?
- Oh, wait. Actually--

- That's right, way up.
- Oh, nice.

Maybe I should just
stop campaigning altogether.

Couldn't hurt.

There are
some more boxes in the car.

- Will you go grab those?
- Yeah, I'm happy to.

Oh, remember,
lift with your back.

It's your legs.
L-Legs.

No, you lift with your back.

- Oh. That's incorrect.
- OK, well.

That could probably
be the main cause of your scoliosis.

I have scoliosis?

Oh, yes.
Clearly.

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0