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1
00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:41,238
This film is respectfully
dedicated to lonely guys everywhere.
2
00:02:41,536 --> 00:02:45,246
Lonely guys have been with us
since the beginning of time.
3
00:02:45,540 --> 00:02:48,749
There's one there.
Poor guy.
4
00:02:49,044 --> 00:02:51,787
Another New Year's Eve
alone in the cave.
5
00:02:55,384 --> 00:02:57,000
Even a thousand years
from now,
6
00:02:57,302 --> 00:02:59,715
the lonely guy
will still be there.
7
00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:02,175
Look at this guy.
8
00:03:02,474 --> 00:03:04,511
That couple
will go down in history.
9
00:03:06,353 --> 00:03:10,267
All he gets to do
is eat roast beef from a tube.
10
00:03:10,565 --> 00:03:15,230
So all you lonely guys out there,
this film is for you.
11
00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:19,113
It's for guys like that guy,
Chin Loo Fung in Canton, China.
12
00:03:19,408 --> 00:03:21,491
He's got 14 married
brothers and sisters,
13
00:03:21,785 --> 00:03:25,153
yet still eats alone in a Chinese
restaurant four nights a week.
14
00:03:28,333 --> 00:03:31,326
It's for Mbowie Zoomba,
another lonely guy.
15
00:03:31,628 --> 00:03:34,746
While he's happy that cable TV
has been installed in his area,
16
00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:39,258
he'd really just like to meet a nice
girl with attractive lip plates.
17
00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:41,761
And it's for Larry Hubbard...
18
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:44,075
Hey, that's me, fifth one back.
That's okay, I'll take over the narration now.
19
00:03:44,099 --> 00:03:46,136
Oh, all right.
20
00:03:46,435 --> 00:03:49,678
Hi, I'm Larry Hubbard. This is
the story of how I became a lonely guy.
21
00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:51,642
I came to Manhattan
to be a writer,
22
00:03:51,940 --> 00:03:53,340
and while I was working
on my novel,
23
00:03:53,483 --> 00:03:55,224
I took a job
at a greeting-card firm.
24
00:03:55,527 --> 00:03:57,484
It was working out
pretty well.
25
00:03:57,779 --> 00:03:59,896
What are you working on,
Hubbard?
26
00:04:00,198 --> 00:04:03,191
It's an idea I had for a new
kind of sympathy card, sir.
27
00:04:03,493 --> 00:04:04,654
Hmm.
28
00:04:08,749 --> 00:04:11,332
"I know how much your loss
must grieve you,
29
00:04:11,626 --> 00:04:13,913
"but here's a thought
I'd like to leave you.
30
00:04:14,212 --> 00:04:16,704
"Although you're sad
remember that
31
00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:19,590
"now God is petting
your pussycat."
32
00:04:23,847 --> 00:04:27,056
Beautiful! Hubbard!
33
00:04:27,350 --> 00:04:29,808
Congratulations!
You're moving up.
34
00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:31,264
Thank you, sir.
35
00:04:31,563 --> 00:04:33,270
Get your things and take
the front desk.
36
00:04:33,565 --> 00:04:35,022
Yes, sir!
37
00:04:35,317 --> 00:04:37,037
Finley, Harrison, Annenberg, Leach.
Yes, sir?
38
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:40,820
Stop whatever you're doing.
I want pet cards.
39
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:43,322
Birthday, anniversary.
And not just cats and dogs.
40
00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:47,452
I want hamsters,
fish, parakeets.
41
00:04:47,746 --> 00:04:50,329
I was always lucking into things like that.
42
00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:52,240
New York had been
pretty good to me.
43
00:04:52,542 --> 00:04:54,124
But the best part was,
44
00:04:54,419 --> 00:04:56,877
I'd met this gorgeous
ballet dancer named Danielle.
45
00:04:57,172 --> 00:05:00,586
She was nuts about me,
and asked me to move right in with her.
46
00:05:00,884 --> 00:05:03,877
Every day at 5:30,
she'd have bathed,
47
00:05:04,179 --> 00:05:06,637
perfumed,
put on a sexy nightie,
48
00:05:06,932 --> 00:05:10,676
be waiting alone
in a big bed just for me.
49
00:05:12,395 --> 00:05:13,875
Hi, Danielle.
Tarzan is here.
50
00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:16,184
Oh, one second while I look
through my mail here.
51
00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:17,769
Oh, geez.
52
00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:23,316
Hey, a rejection from
a completely new publisher.
53
00:05:23,615 --> 00:05:25,698
They're finally getting
to know me in this town.
54
00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:27,984
Hi ya, honey.
You miss me?
55
00:05:28,286 --> 00:05:29,931
So, what'd you do today?
Anything interesting?
56
00:05:31,706 --> 00:05:33,518
You know, you gotta
get out of the house more.
57
00:05:33,542 --> 00:05:35,829
You can't mope around all day
waiting for me to come home.
58
00:05:45,303 --> 00:05:47,044
This your cigar
in here, honey?
59
00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:50,097
All ready for me
I can see, huh?
60
00:05:51,268 --> 00:05:53,305
Mmm. You smell good.
61
00:05:53,603 --> 00:05:55,265
I don't believe you!
62
00:05:55,564 --> 00:05:58,648
You come home,
you find me in bed with another man,
63
00:05:58,942 --> 00:06:01,275
you act as if
nothing's going on.
64
00:06:01,570 --> 00:06:04,438
Larry, this is
my lover, Raul.
65
00:06:04,739 --> 00:06:06,822
We're lovers.
Understand?
66
00:06:07,117 --> 00:06:09,279
Hi, Raul. Larry Hubbard.
Nice to meet you.
67
00:06:09,578 --> 00:06:10,944
Yeah, hi.
68
00:06:11,246 --> 00:06:12,578
Have you known
Danielle long?
69
00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:15,661
Yes, we're dancers
in the same company.
70
00:06:15,959 --> 00:06:17,325
Dancer?
Yes.
71
00:06:17,627 --> 00:06:18,627
I thought
they were all...
72
00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:20,544
Well, Raul's not!
73
00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:22,501
Raul's all man.
74
00:06:22,799 --> 00:06:24,256
Yeah.
75
00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:28,170
And he's moving in tonight,
afterThe Nutcracker.
76
00:06:28,471 --> 00:06:31,430
He's bringing his things
over in the morning.
77
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:35,844
Bringing his things over?
There's hardly enough room for our things!
78
00:06:36,146 --> 00:06:38,559
Your things are going!
I've already packed them!
79
00:06:38,857 --> 00:06:40,377
They're in the hall
beside the garbage,
80
00:06:40,442 --> 00:06:43,526
and you can take them
out all together.
81
00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:47,029
I know I'm behaving strange,
probably real strange.
82
00:06:47,324 --> 00:06:49,691
I've never been in a
situation like this before.
83
00:06:49,993 --> 00:06:51,404
I don't know
how to handle it.
84
00:06:51,703 --> 00:06:53,660
I still don't know
how to handle it.
85
00:06:53,955 --> 00:06:58,746
So, I was waiting, calmly,
patiently, reasonably,
86
00:06:59,044 --> 00:07:03,630
till I do figure out how to
handle this kind of situation.
87
00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:06,632
No, hold it.
I think I've got it.
88
00:07:07,385 --> 00:07:09,547
Yes, yes.
89
00:07:09,846 --> 00:07:11,337
What the hell's going on here?
90
00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:13,176
What the hell is he
doing in this bed?
91
00:07:13,475 --> 00:07:15,387
You disgust me,
both of you!
92
00:07:15,685 --> 00:07:19,053
I'm getting out of here and I never
wanna see you in my life again!
93
00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:20,892
Hey, what
the hell! Ow!
94
00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:27,020
I think I handled that
rather well.
95
00:07:27,322 --> 00:07:30,656
Oh, Larry,
don't forget the garbage.
96
00:07:44,673 --> 00:07:47,507
I had no place to stay,
nowhere to go.
97
00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:50,839
There was no one to talk to.
I must have looked pretty pitiful.
98
00:07:51,137 --> 00:07:54,130
But that's the good thing about
living in a big city like New York,
99
00:07:54,432 --> 00:07:57,266
at least nobody I knew was
going to see me like this.
100
00:07:57,560 --> 00:08:00,143
Larry?
Larry Hubbard? Is that you?
101
00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:01,974
Hey, Larry, how are you?
102
00:08:03,692 --> 00:08:05,308
Jack. Jack Fenwick.
103
00:08:05,610 --> 00:08:07,852
Oh, Jack, hi. You're looking good.
How's it going?
104
00:08:08,154 --> 00:08:10,316
How's it look?
Pretty good, huh?
105
00:08:10,615 --> 00:08:12,652
How's it going with you?
106
00:08:12,951 --> 00:08:15,871
Oh, just taking a walk. Like to get out
of the house every once in a while.
107
00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:17,828
I might jog around
the reservoir later.
108
00:08:18,123 --> 00:08:20,240
I heard about you
and Danielle breaking up.
109
00:08:20,542 --> 00:08:22,534
You heard?
It just happened
110
00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:24,623
Yeah, well,
I just spoke to her.
111
00:08:24,921 --> 00:08:27,191
We were very close, you know.
We had an affair and everything.
112
00:08:27,215 --> 00:08:28,422
When was that?
113
00:08:28,717 --> 00:08:30,174
Oh, about four weeks ago.
114
00:08:30,468 --> 00:08:32,004
Every morning
after you'd go to work.
115
00:08:32,303 --> 00:08:34,295
Oh, but you knew
about that, didn't you?
116
00:08:34,597 --> 00:08:36,088
Oh, oh, sure!
117
00:08:36,391 --> 00:08:39,008
Yeah, we had an understanding.
We were very today people.
118
00:08:39,310 --> 00:08:41,597
Yeah. Hey, say hello to my wife Verna.
Hello.
119
00:08:41,896 --> 00:08:43,307
Hi. And this is my
girlfriend Frieda.
120
00:08:43,606 --> 00:08:45,063
Hi. Nice to meet you.
Hi.
121
00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:46,690
Nice to meet you.
122
00:08:46,985 --> 00:08:48,337
We got a little apartment
here on the West Side,
123
00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:50,102
one big room and
a 40-foot mattress.
124
00:08:52,782 --> 00:08:55,428
Hey, listen, any time you're in the
neighborhood, just drop in, okay?
125
00:08:55,452 --> 00:08:58,035
Hey, and don't be so
broken up about Danielle.
126
00:08:58,329 --> 00:08:59,649
She already dumped
Raul, you know.
127
00:08:59,914 --> 00:09:00,950
She has?
128
00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:02,810
Yeah. She's living with
a rock group now.
129
00:09:02,834 --> 00:09:05,998
Oh. Well, okay.
130
00:09:06,296 --> 00:09:07,976
You take it easy, huh?
See you around. Yeah.
131
00:09:08,131 --> 00:09:09,497
Come on, baby.
132
00:09:39,245 --> 00:09:40,611
Hi.
133
00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:41,914
Hi.
134
00:09:48,797 --> 00:09:50,004
Warren Evans.
135
00:09:50,298 --> 00:09:51,630
Larry Hubbard.
Hi, Larry.
136
00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:52,925
Hi.
137
00:09:54,302 --> 00:09:55,964
First-time lonely guy?
138
00:09:58,515 --> 00:09:59,847
What's a lonely guy?
139
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:06,266
My girl Melanie
just left me.
140
00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:08,601
What'd she
leave you for?
141
00:10:08,900 --> 00:10:11,893
She came home last night,
found some guy robbing her apartment.
142
00:10:12,195 --> 00:10:13,481
They just hit it off.
143
00:10:13,780 --> 00:10:15,146
Gee, that sounds tough.
144
00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:17,314
It was tough.
145
00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:20,655
It's probably for the best,
she's really started to let herself go.
146
00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:23,697
Drank a lot,
never bathed, fat.
147
00:10:23,998 --> 00:10:26,331
Hey, don't worry.
You'll meet another girl.
148
00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:28,583
Not like Melanie.
149
00:10:28,878 --> 00:10:31,107
No, better than Melanie. You're not
gonna stay lonely forever, are you?
150
00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:32,131
I'm not.
151
00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:39,970
Well.
152
00:10:41,766 --> 00:10:44,224
Where are you headed?
153
00:10:44,519 --> 00:10:47,353
Um, I guess I have to look
for an apartment, huh?
154
00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:49,559
Take it from an
experienced lonely guy,
155
00:10:49,858 --> 00:10:52,066
be very careful
looking for an apartment,
156
00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:54,818
'cause from now on,
that apartment's gonna be your best friend,
157
00:10:55,113 --> 00:10:56,695
if not your only friend.
158
00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:59,198
A lot of lonely guys,
just to get off the street,
159
00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:00,983
tend to grab
the first thing they see
160
00:11:01,286 --> 00:11:04,529
that looks better
than a Borneo death cell.
161
00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:06,322
Thanks.
My pleasure.
162
00:11:09,127 --> 00:11:11,289
Warren gave me
a lot of good tips, like,
163
00:11:11,588 --> 00:11:14,877
it's very important to find an
apartment with a feeling of space.
164
00:11:17,093 --> 00:11:18,129
Right here.
165
00:11:20,388 --> 00:11:23,051
The view is very important
psychologically.
166
00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:26,387
In a moderate price range,
you can't expect anything too beautiful,
167
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:29,178
but a lonely guy should watch
out for the depressing ones.
168
00:11:40,575 --> 00:11:41,941
A river view is great,
169
00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:46,912
as long as you're
above the river.
170
00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:51,371
And you mustn't be fooled by
classy-looking neighborhoods.
171
00:11:51,669 --> 00:11:53,535
Sometimes your
classiest-looking neighborhoods
172
00:11:53,838 --> 00:11:56,296
have the highest crime rate.
173
00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:17,685
Don't live here.
Bad neighborhood.
174
00:12:23,076 --> 00:12:27,946
What a view!
And you can almost see the river!
175
00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:30,991
See, this has the pacing room I need.
I'm working on a novel.
176
00:12:31,292 --> 00:12:33,909
This apartment could really be my friend.
I'll take this.
177
00:12:34,212 --> 00:12:36,545
All right, fine, but before
you can sign the lease,
178
00:12:36,839 --> 00:12:39,172
there are a few questions
I'd like to ask.
179
00:12:39,467 --> 00:12:40,799
Well, what?
180
00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:42,655
"Do you have any
dogs, cats, children,
181
00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:44,073
"or relations or friends
of ethnic extraction?
182
00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:45,679
"Do you ever wear
loud sports jackets?
183
00:12:45,974 --> 00:12:48,014
"Do you ever get personal
phone calls after midnight?
184
00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:49,954
"Do you go to discos or have dinner
with people in show business?
185
00:12:49,978 --> 00:12:51,288
"Do you ever put disgusting
substances up your nose,
186
00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:53,144
"or any other open
bodily passages?
187
00:12:53,439 --> 00:12:55,000
"Do you own any records or albums
featuring The Rolling Stones?
188
00:12:55,024 --> 00:12:57,061
"Is there anyone
in your personal acquaintance
189
00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:59,421
"who has now, or ever has had,
a sexually communicable infectious disease?"
190
00:12:59,445 --> 00:13:01,507
No dogs, no cats, no children,
no foreign friends or relations,
191
00:13:01,531 --> 00:13:03,050
no loud jackets, no late phone calls,
no show-business dinners,
192
00:13:03,074 --> 00:13:04,074
no disgusting substances
in bodily orifices,
193
00:13:04,075 --> 00:13:05,862
no Rolling Stones albums,
194
00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:07,554
no acquaintance with
sexually-communicable infectious disease,
195
00:13:07,578 --> 00:13:09,338
except that Uncle Harry
once developed a rash
196
00:13:09,539 --> 00:13:11,739
after an affair with a waitress
at the World of Pancakes,
197
00:13:11,874 --> 00:13:13,477
but he covered it with a tattoo of a
Chinese dragon so nobody would notice.
198
00:13:13,501 --> 00:13:15,104
Thank you very much.
That seems all satisfactory.
199
00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:16,397
I'll have a lease
made out immediately.
200
00:13:16,421 --> 00:13:17,815
You can move in
the day after tomorrow.
201
00:13:17,839 --> 00:13:19,922
I think you'll fit in
here very well.
202
00:13:20,216 --> 00:13:21,673
Thank you.
Do you wanna go to dinner?
203
00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:23,129
I'm a man.
204
00:13:24,554 --> 00:13:26,073
I mean, this is
really getting drastic.
205
00:13:26,097 --> 00:13:27,417
I don't have anything
in my place.
206
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:30,599
I just left with a suitcase.
I lost my comb.
207
00:13:30,893 --> 00:13:33,761
This morning I had to brush
my hair with my toothbrush.
208
00:13:34,063 --> 00:13:36,463
I mean, I clean it out really
good so I feel more comfortable,
209
00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:37,890
but it takes
about 20 minutes.
210
00:13:38,192 --> 00:13:39,586
Does it look okay?
No, it looks good.
211
00:13:39,610 --> 00:13:40,838
I was just thinking
how good it looks.
212
00:13:40,862 --> 00:13:42,353
I think it looks
okay. Just...
213
00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:43,966
I should get a comb.
Oh, you ought to get a comb.
214
00:13:43,990 --> 00:13:46,027
Get it today.
215
00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:50,411
You think that's bad,
I had my yearly physical last week.
216
00:13:50,705 --> 00:13:54,415
They called me yesterday, told me I
have to come back. They lost my blood.
217
00:13:54,709 --> 00:13:56,291
Oh, God!
218
00:13:56,586 --> 00:13:57,771
You know, I mean,
I can give them more blood, but...
219
00:13:57,795 --> 00:13:59,627
Yeah.
220
00:13:59,922 --> 00:14:02,289
You see, you buy a lot of these,
you scatter them around,
221
00:14:02,592 --> 00:14:04,712
and nobody will notice you
don't have enough furniture.
222
00:14:04,761 --> 00:14:06,673
Hey, this one looks nice.
223
00:14:06,971 --> 00:14:09,554
No, you don't want that,
Larry. That's got buds.
224
00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:11,431
So what?
225
00:14:11,726 --> 00:14:14,594
You don't wanna watch life
blossoming while yours...
226
00:14:14,896 --> 00:14:16,853
Isn't, yeah.
Well...
227
00:14:17,148 --> 00:14:18,810
Hey, how about a fern?
228
00:14:19,108 --> 00:14:22,101
Great. But, Larry,
don't call them ferns, call them guys.
229
00:14:22,403 --> 00:14:24,360
"Guys"?
Yeah, make them feel like your buddy.
230
00:14:24,655 --> 00:14:26,135
You can watch
football games together.
231
00:14:27,617 --> 00:14:28,937
Watch football games
with a plant?
232
00:14:28,993 --> 00:14:30,200
Hey, you never know.
233
00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:35,072
Well, I'll just take
this guy right here.
234
00:14:35,375 --> 00:14:36,911
Uh-huh, uh-huh, good.
235
00:14:38,544 --> 00:14:41,082
I could use one myself.
236
00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:42,792
Want a sip?
No, I'm full.
237
00:14:43,091 --> 00:14:44,172
What did you eat?
238
00:14:44,467 --> 00:14:45,958
Uh, a tuna sandwich.
Uh-huh.
239
00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:48,405
Hey, how often do you have to
water something like this?
240
00:14:48,429 --> 00:14:50,824
Oh, just once a week.
But always stay with it a couple of minutes,
241
00:14:50,848 --> 00:14:53,636
it doesn't like to drink
alone. Seriously.
242
00:14:55,061 --> 00:14:56,268
Have you got
your towels yet?
243
00:14:56,562 --> 00:14:58,042
Towels, geez, I forgot
all about that.
244
00:14:58,189 --> 00:14:59,666
Listen, I can get them
for you wholesale,
245
00:14:59,690 --> 00:15:01,043
if you don't mind
other people's initials.
246
00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:02,467
They get them
from divorced couples.
247
00:15:02,652 --> 00:15:04,188
No, I just want
to get dry...
248
00:15:04,487 --> 00:15:06,319
That's kind of sad
though, isn't it?
249
00:15:06,614 --> 00:15:08,801
I don't wanna get depressed every
time I come out of the shower.
250
00:15:08,825 --> 00:15:10,942
Listen, you'll probably
be depressed anyway.
251
00:15:15,706 --> 00:15:17,823
Well, I gotta go.
I gotta go get some furniture.
252
00:15:18,126 --> 00:15:21,665
Hey, doesn't your guy wanna
say good-bye to my guy?
253
00:15:21,963 --> 00:15:24,205
Say good-bye
to your friend.
254
00:15:24,507 --> 00:15:25,964
Still a little shy.
Ah.
255
00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:30,636
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye.
256
00:15:51,576 --> 00:15:53,137
Well, I'd
gotten some furniture,
257
00:15:53,161 --> 00:15:55,027
but the big news
was the phone.
258
00:15:55,329 --> 00:15:58,538
I had to give them a $500
deposit and a sperm sample,
259
00:15:58,833 --> 00:16:00,574
but they finally put it in.
260
00:16:00,877 --> 00:16:02,834
So, I pulled out
my little black book.
261
00:16:28,154 --> 00:16:29,154
Let's go! Come on...
262
00:16:29,447 --> 00:16:30,938
Nobody move a muscle.
263
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:33,152
First National Bank.
264
00:16:33,451 --> 00:16:35,192
Hi. Carol Zall, please.
265
00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:37,578
I'm sorry,
she's all tied up right now.
266
00:16:37,872 --> 00:16:40,159
Would you care to leave
your phone number?
267
00:16:40,458 --> 00:16:45,203
Larry Hubbard.
KL5-1173.
268
00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:48,339
Oh. She says she'd
love to talk to you,
269
00:16:48,633 --> 00:16:50,340
and she'll get
right back to you.
270
00:16:53,638 --> 00:16:55,846
Haven't lost the touch.
271
00:16:56,682 --> 00:16:58,139
Cops!
272
00:16:58,434 --> 00:16:59,675
Out the back!
273
00:16:59,977 --> 00:17:02,094
Right, let's go.
Take some hostages!
274
00:17:02,396 --> 00:17:03,512
Get the bag!
275
00:17:03,814 --> 00:17:05,476
All right, kid,
you're coming with me.
276
00:17:08,611 --> 00:17:11,649
For some reason,
Carol never called back.
277
00:17:29,966 --> 00:17:32,424
You know, I know this guy
who's a magician,
278
00:17:32,718 --> 00:17:36,007
and he and his friend go into a restaurant
and they start doing tricks for them,
279
00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:38,922
and people come around.
He said they meet a lot of girls that way.
280
00:17:39,225 --> 00:17:40,761
I got this magic book.
281
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:43,803
Try this.
Take a card.
282
00:17:46,023 --> 00:17:48,436
Okay. Look at it.
283
00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:51,477
Now stick it
back in somewhere.
284
00:17:53,614 --> 00:17:56,277
Okay. I'll shuffle.
285
00:17:59,495 --> 00:18:00,827
Okay, cut 'em.
286
00:18:02,707 --> 00:18:03,868
Okay.
287
00:18:09,964 --> 00:18:12,502
Is it the queen of clubs?
No.
288
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,507
Was it a club?
No.
289
00:18:14,802 --> 00:18:15,918
A diamond?
Yes.
290
00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:18,507
Queen of diamonds?
No.
291
00:18:18,806 --> 00:18:19,967
Nine of diamonds?
No.
292
00:18:21,350 --> 00:18:23,842
Six of diamonds?
No.
293
00:18:24,145 --> 00:18:25,511
Three of diamonds?
Yes.
294
00:18:25,813 --> 00:18:27,805
Yes. Not bad. Not bad.
295
00:18:30,568 --> 00:18:32,651
Actually,
I was feeling pretty positive.
296
00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:34,607
There are plenty of girls
in New York,
297
00:18:34,905 --> 00:18:37,443
and I knew it wouldn't take
long before I met one of them.
298
00:18:37,742 --> 00:18:38,742
How you doing?
299
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:44,537
I'm okay.
How about yourself?
300
00:18:44,832 --> 00:18:48,200
Not too shabby.
Cigarette?
301
00:18:48,502 --> 00:18:49,618
Oh, no, thanks.
302
00:18:52,673 --> 00:18:53,914
Do you do this often?
303
00:18:55,176 --> 00:18:57,668
Well, I'm a single guy,
304
00:18:57,970 --> 00:19:00,178
and no use
in saving up.
305
00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:03,511
Okay,
you may get up now.
306
00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:05,971
I'll have you out of
here in just a minute.
307
00:19:06,270 --> 00:19:07,477
Do you have time
for a drink?
308
00:19:07,772 --> 00:19:09,207
They say you should have
some orange juice.
309
00:19:09,231 --> 00:19:11,223
Oh, thanks.
I have to meet my boyfriend.
310
00:19:11,525 --> 00:19:15,064
Oh, right, right.
Me, too.
311
00:19:15,363 --> 00:19:17,320
You know, I really believe
that one of these days
312
00:19:17,615 --> 00:19:19,777
I'm gonna meet
the girl of my dreams,
313
00:19:20,076 --> 00:19:21,942
if I don't run out
of blood first.
314
00:19:23,579 --> 00:19:25,445
I was getting
a little depressed,
315
00:19:25,748 --> 00:19:27,428
so I was really glad
when Warren invited me
316
00:19:27,625 --> 00:19:29,617
over to his place
for a little party.
317
00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:37,320
Hi, Larry.
Hey, Warren, how's it going?
318
00:19:37,551 --> 00:19:38,551
Good to see you.
319
00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:39,839
What are these?
320
00:19:40,137 --> 00:19:42,094
Oh, party cutouts.
321
00:19:42,390 --> 00:19:45,118
I got them at the Lonely Guy Store
at 81st Street and Lexington Avenue.
322
00:19:45,142 --> 00:19:47,509
When I first saw them,
it seemed like a pretty weird idea,
323
00:19:47,812 --> 00:19:49,724
but it turns out
they're a lot of fun.
324
00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:52,639
They're real good company, too.
You'd be surprised.
325
00:19:52,942 --> 00:19:54,478
Oh, yeah? Surprised.
It is surprising.
326
00:19:54,777 --> 00:19:55,858
They move
and everything.
327
00:19:56,153 --> 00:19:58,361
I'm just gonna go
check on dinner.
328
00:19:58,656 --> 00:20:00,456
Fix yourself a drink.
Drink anything you want.
329
00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:01,533
Thanks.
330
00:20:04,495 --> 00:20:05,827
I'll get it.
331
00:20:07,123 --> 00:20:08,204
Hey, how you...
332
00:20:08,499 --> 00:20:09,956
You got a complaint
about the noise.
333
00:20:10,251 --> 00:20:11,867
You're playing
your music too loud!
334
00:20:12,169 --> 00:20:13,751
Oh, I'll turn it down.
335
00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:19,007
What the hell
is going on here?
336
00:20:19,301 --> 00:20:21,793
Uh, just a friendly
little get-together.
337
00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:25,218
Can I fix you fellas a drink?
338
00:20:25,516 --> 00:20:27,098
No, no, no, no.
We're on duty.
339
00:20:27,393 --> 00:20:28,393
Oh, sure.
340
00:20:28,686 --> 00:20:30,518
Just keep
the noise down, okay?
341
00:20:30,813 --> 00:20:32,554
Thanks.
342
00:20:32,857 --> 00:20:35,816
Hey, Mike, go ahead, I'll be right down.
I gotta use the can.
343
00:20:38,487 --> 00:20:41,275
Look, mister, really,
I don't have to use the can.
344
00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:46,160
But tell me, please, where do you
get these things? They're fantastic!
345
00:20:46,454 --> 00:20:48,446
You mean, you're a...
346
00:20:48,748 --> 00:20:51,081
Yeah, a lonely cop.
347
00:20:51,375 --> 00:20:54,083
A lonely cop?
Oh, gee!
348
00:20:54,378 --> 00:20:58,042
You get them at the Lonely
Guy Store at 81st and Lex.
349
00:20:58,340 --> 00:21:01,708
Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Do you know if they got Gene Hackman?
350
00:21:02,011 --> 00:21:04,845
Uh, Warren?
Yeah?
351
00:21:05,139 --> 00:21:07,347
Does the Lonely Guy Store
have Gene Hackman?
352
00:21:07,641 --> 00:21:11,806
Yes, they do,
but you have to reserve him a week ahead.
353
00:21:12,104 --> 00:21:15,597
Hey, terrific. Thanks again,
I really appreciate it.
354
00:21:15,900 --> 00:21:17,357
Thanks a lot.
It's okay.
355
00:21:21,363 --> 00:21:24,231
Come and get it.
Leg of lamb.
356
00:21:24,533 --> 00:21:28,197
If I could tear you away from Dolly Parton.
She's great, isn't she?
357
00:21:28,496 --> 00:21:33,616
Hey, Warren, do you ever feel like
getting out, and meeting real women?
358
00:21:33,918 --> 00:21:36,318
Oh, sure. I'm meeting a terrific
girl in a bar tomorrow night.
359
00:21:36,587 --> 00:21:38,507
You wanna come along?
Maybe you'll meet somebody.
360
00:21:38,672 --> 00:21:39,958
Well, yeah, thanks.
361
00:21:41,050 --> 00:21:42,416
Who's that?
362
00:21:42,718 --> 00:21:44,550
Oh, just a friend of mine
I don't see anymore.
363
00:21:44,845 --> 00:21:47,804
Oh. Well, here's to...
364
00:22:04,698 --> 00:22:08,408
Oh, God, that's funny!
You tell a story so well.
365
00:22:08,702 --> 00:22:10,568
Oh, thanks.
366
00:22:10,871 --> 00:22:11,871
Here's another one.
367
00:22:12,164 --> 00:22:13,404
I'm walking down
Madison Avenue.
368
00:22:13,624 --> 00:22:14,976
It's about 12:00, 12:30...
This is true.
369
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:16,161
This really happened!
Okay.
370
00:22:16,460 --> 00:22:17,646
This guy comes up
to me, he says...
371
00:22:17,670 --> 00:22:19,002
Hi, hon.
Sorry I'm late.
372
00:22:20,965 --> 00:22:22,605
Hey, Warren.
Thanks for sitting in, buddy.
373
00:22:22,675 --> 00:22:24,319
I was just telling Louise
this great story...
374
00:22:24,343 --> 00:22:25,504
How'd your meeting go?
375
00:22:25,803 --> 00:22:27,030
Oh, terrific. Looks like
we got the deal.
376
00:22:27,054 --> 00:22:28,340
Oh, that's wonderful,
darling!
377
00:22:28,639 --> 00:22:29,971
Great!
378
00:22:30,266 --> 00:22:32,223
Oh, listen, Warren,
thanks again for sitting in.
379
00:22:32,518 --> 00:22:33,870
I hate to have Louise sit and wait
for me alone, you know what I mean?
380
00:22:33,894 --> 00:22:35,351
Oh, that's okay.
I was glad to do it.
381
00:22:35,646 --> 00:22:37,457
Oh, listen, can you do it
again next week, same time?
382
00:22:37,481 --> 00:22:38,517
I'll be about 45 minutes.
383
00:22:38,816 --> 00:22:40,728
Oh, sure, sure.
Enjoy your dinner.
384
00:22:46,115 --> 00:22:48,152
See anybody?
385
00:22:48,450 --> 00:22:50,804
Yeah. I'm trying to get my courage
up to talk to that girl over there.
386
00:22:50,828 --> 00:22:52,820
Ooh, she's pretty.
387
00:22:53,122 --> 00:22:54,704
No kidding.
388
00:22:58,294 --> 00:23:00,081
Gee, I don't think so.
389
00:23:00,379 --> 00:23:01,379
Why not?
390
00:23:02,882 --> 00:23:04,965
I mean, she's
really attractive.
391
00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:08,922
Well, hey!
392
00:23:10,180 --> 00:23:11,512
Well, I mean,
you know, try.
393
00:23:11,807 --> 00:23:13,139
Well, I will.
394
00:23:18,564 --> 00:23:19,645
Hi, I'm Larry.
395
00:23:19,940 --> 00:23:21,147
Hi. Brenda.
396
00:23:21,442 --> 00:23:22,933
It's okay?
Mmm-hmm.
397
00:23:26,864 --> 00:23:29,106
Boy, I hate these places,
don't you?
398
00:23:29,408 --> 00:23:33,027
It's like, most of these guys
are just here for one thing.
399
00:23:33,329 --> 00:23:37,289
I guess I wanna meet someone I can talk to,
just get to know,
400
00:23:37,583 --> 00:23:43,875
and go to dinners with,
and museums, art galleries.
401
00:23:44,173 --> 00:23:47,291
I think what I'm looking for,
is more of a real relationship.
402
00:23:47,593 --> 00:23:51,803
Oh, that's great, Larry,
but I just came here to get laid.
403
00:23:59,396 --> 00:24:00,762
Ever think of
getting a dog?
404
00:24:01,899 --> 00:24:03,481
A dog.
405
00:24:03,776 --> 00:24:06,189
Dogs are great. They leap all over you.
They lick your face.
406
00:24:06,487 --> 00:24:09,195
They don't even have to like you,
it's their instinct.
407
00:24:09,490 --> 00:24:12,153
Hitler had a dog,
that dog went crazy over him.
408
00:24:12,451 --> 00:24:14,363
Adolf Hitler?
Yeah.
409
00:24:14,662 --> 00:24:16,324
There's this pet shop,
has this policy,
410
00:24:16,622 --> 00:24:18,329
you take a dog home,
you don't like it,
411
00:24:18,624 --> 00:24:21,037
you bring it back in 24 hours,
you get another dog.
412
00:24:21,335 --> 00:24:22,701
That sounds like a good deal.
413
00:24:23,003 --> 00:24:24,665
It is a good deal.
414
00:24:24,964 --> 00:24:26,796
I learned a lot
about dogs that week.
415
00:24:27,091 --> 00:24:29,583
For instance, don't get a dog
that's bigger than you are,
416
00:24:29,885 --> 00:24:32,844
unless you're trying to
save money on bus fare.
417
00:24:33,138 --> 00:24:34,595
Okay. Here we go.
Here we go.
418
00:24:34,890 --> 00:24:36,802
Here we go, boy. Come on.
Come on! There we go.
419
00:24:37,101 --> 00:24:39,461
And if you like to play fetch,
don't get a fast dog.
420
00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:42,433
Fast dogs like to show off,
and they don't care about your stick.
421
00:24:42,731 --> 00:24:45,644
If they don't come back by nightfall,
you're out $300.
422
00:24:47,987 --> 00:24:50,104
Bassets are really
cuddly dogs.
423
00:24:50,406 --> 00:24:52,898
They love to get in bed
and nuzzle right up to you.
424
00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:56,113
The only problem is, they miss their mother,
and they howl all night,
425
00:24:56,412 --> 00:24:58,172
and you have to pretend
you're a basset, too,
426
00:24:58,330 --> 00:25:00,413
and howl with him
till he goes back to sleep.
427
00:25:16,015 --> 00:25:18,257
A cute dog
attracts women,
428
00:25:18,559 --> 00:25:22,348
but not to you,
to himself.
429
00:25:22,646 --> 00:25:24,353
I come by here every day
about this time.
430
00:25:24,648 --> 00:25:25,648
Bye, puppy dog!
431
00:25:25,858 --> 00:25:27,144
Me and the dog. Bye.
432
00:25:31,071 --> 00:25:32,482
Hello, puppy.
433
00:25:37,911 --> 00:25:39,368
Dogs have a great deal.
434
00:25:39,663 --> 00:25:42,155
Hey, you!
What's your name?
435
00:25:42,458 --> 00:25:43,949
Larry Hubbard. Why?
436
00:25:44,251 --> 00:25:45,770
I'm gonna have to write you a ticket.
What for?
437
00:25:45,794 --> 00:25:47,660
Your dog just fouled
the pathway over there.
438
00:25:47,963 --> 00:25:48,963
He what?
439
00:25:49,965 --> 00:25:50,965
He pooped.
440
00:25:53,927 --> 00:25:57,466
Excuse me, Officer, but I don't
think that poop came from this dog.
441
00:25:57,765 --> 00:25:59,597
No, no, I'm sure of it.
Definitely not.
442
00:25:59,892 --> 00:26:01,008
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
443
00:26:01,310 --> 00:26:02,972
No, Officer, I mean it.
444
00:26:03,270 --> 00:26:06,308
Look, in the last week,
I've had five different dogs.
445
00:26:06,607 --> 00:26:10,317
I think I'm beginning to know what
kind of poop goes with each dog.
446
00:26:10,611 --> 00:26:12,978
I think I may even say,
without undue modesty,
447
00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:15,647
that I am becoming somewhat
of an expert on poop.
448
00:26:15,949 --> 00:26:20,444
And I can assure you that that
poop did not come from this dog!
449
00:26:22,331 --> 00:26:23,947
Thanks.
450
00:26:24,249 --> 00:26:27,333
I mean, this is a little dog.
That looks like a land mine.
451
00:26:28,003 --> 00:26:30,370
God!
452
00:26:30,672 --> 00:26:33,085
Warren, I gotta
meet a girl.
453
00:26:34,843 --> 00:26:37,130
That was your dog's poop,
I saw him do it.
454
00:26:37,429 --> 00:26:38,715
Oh, Warren!
455
00:26:40,349 --> 00:26:42,682
I mean, look at that guy,
he's got a girl.
456
00:26:42,976 --> 00:26:44,096
He had to meet her
someplace.
457
00:26:44,394 --> 00:26:46,886
He wasn't born
with his arm around her.
458
00:26:47,189 --> 00:26:49,476
What about jogging?
Maybe you can meet girls jogging.
459
00:26:49,775 --> 00:26:52,188
Jogging. I remember
when I first saw Rocky,
460
00:26:52,486 --> 00:26:54,773
I came running out of the theater,
ran into the park,
461
00:26:55,072 --> 00:26:57,029
started jogging,
shadow boxing.
462
00:26:57,324 --> 00:26:59,236
A guy came up and punched
me right in the face.
463
00:26:59,535 --> 00:27:00,821
Oh, God!
464
00:27:21,849 --> 00:27:25,217
I'm not really jogging.
I only ran about 50 yards.
465
00:27:25,519 --> 00:27:28,227
This is not real sweat,
either, I sprayed it on.
466
00:27:28,522 --> 00:27:30,388
They sell this
at sporting goods stores,
467
00:27:30,691 --> 00:27:33,809
it's made from the actual sweat
of professional athletes.
468
00:27:34,111 --> 00:27:36,819
This was taken from a Boston
Celtics basketball player,
469
00:27:37,114 --> 00:27:38,980
immediately after
a double-overtime game.
470
00:27:44,746 --> 00:27:46,783
I think I'm getting hungry.
471
00:27:51,336 --> 00:27:55,125
A vanilla yogurt milkshake,
please.
472
00:27:55,424 --> 00:27:58,588
Did 22 miles today. 3-0-6!
That's my best time ever.
473
00:28:00,179 --> 00:28:01,447
Don't sweat
on the counter, please.
474
00:28:01,471 --> 00:28:02,962
Oh, sorry.
475
00:28:08,228 --> 00:28:09,228
Oh, that's beautiful!
476
00:28:10,606 --> 00:28:11,722
Hi.
477
00:28:14,151 --> 00:28:16,379
I was just noticing that book you're reading,
Mayor of Casterbridge.
478
00:28:16,403 --> 00:28:18,861
That's really a coincidence,
because I did my final term paper
479
00:28:19,156 --> 00:28:21,614
on Thomas Hardy,
my senior year in college.
480
00:28:21,909 --> 00:28:24,617
You know, Hardy was
a very interesting man.
481
00:28:24,912 --> 00:28:26,949
When he was
in London in 1861...
482
00:28:27,247 --> 00:28:29,284
How long have you
been a lonely guy?
483
00:28:31,376 --> 00:28:32,992
Is it that noticeable?
484
00:28:34,713 --> 00:28:37,330
What is it
that gave me away?
485
00:28:37,633 --> 00:28:39,795
I know phony sweat
when I smell it.
486
00:28:40,093 --> 00:28:42,881
When you first came in,
I thought you were Larry Bird.
487
00:28:43,180 --> 00:28:45,012
Sorry, it was dumb.
488
00:28:45,307 --> 00:28:49,267
It's just that I saw you sitting there,
and I wanted to meet you.
489
00:28:49,561 --> 00:28:51,427
No, that's not
even true, either.
490
00:28:51,730 --> 00:28:54,188
I just wanted
to meet anybody.
491
00:28:54,483 --> 00:28:56,395
I know.
It can be rough.
492
00:28:56,693 --> 00:28:58,650
Did you try a fern?
493
00:28:58,946 --> 00:28:59,946
Yeah.
494
00:29:00,030 --> 00:29:01,362
A dog?
495
00:29:01,657 --> 00:29:04,024
Yeah, but they don't seem
to really help that...
496
00:29:04,326 --> 00:29:07,034
How come you know so much
about lonely guys?
497
00:29:07,329 --> 00:29:09,195
My husband Marty
was a lonely guy.
498
00:29:09,498 --> 00:29:10,498
Oh, husband.
499
00:29:10,749 --> 00:29:12,490
My ex-husband.
Oh.
500
00:29:12,793 --> 00:29:15,957
That's how we met.
I fell for the phony jogging bit.
501
00:29:16,255 --> 00:29:20,465
Never again. I learned to tell the
difference between real and bottled sweat.
502
00:29:20,759 --> 00:29:22,000
Here, smell mine.
503
00:29:25,389 --> 00:29:26,630
Oh, yeah.
504
00:29:26,932 --> 00:29:28,326
Now, see, that's terrific.
That's sweat!
505
00:29:28,350 --> 00:29:29,761
Thank you.
506
00:29:31,353 --> 00:29:33,219
Oh, yeah,
there's no comparison!
507
00:29:33,522 --> 00:29:35,764
Thanks.
508
00:29:36,066 --> 00:29:38,854
So, um, how long were you
and Marty married?
509
00:29:39,152 --> 00:29:40,609
Oh, not long.
510
00:29:40,904 --> 00:29:43,112
I found out he was having an
affair with a ballet dancer.
511
00:29:45,075 --> 00:29:46,611
Dancer?
Now this may sound silly,
512
00:29:46,910 --> 00:29:49,573
but, by any chance, that
dancer wasn't named Danielle?
513
00:29:49,871 --> 00:29:52,363
No, no. Raul.
514
00:29:52,666 --> 00:29:54,157
Oh.
515
00:29:56,503 --> 00:29:58,210
Absolutely no comparison.
516
00:30:03,302 --> 00:30:05,464
Well, I guess
I'd better be going.
517
00:30:05,762 --> 00:30:10,427
Hang in there.
Lonely guys don't stay lonely forever.
518
00:30:10,726 --> 00:30:12,308
Hey, um, what's your name?
519
00:30:12,602 --> 00:30:14,719
Where do you live?
Could I call you sometime?
520
00:30:15,022 --> 00:30:16,854
I wrote it all down
on the napkin.
521
00:30:19,109 --> 00:30:20,725
I know what
you're going through.
522
00:30:23,155 --> 00:30:25,818
Wow, that's fantastic.
What a great girl!
523
00:30:26,116 --> 00:30:30,451
Uh, that's $1.50.
You've got some yogurt on your face.
524
00:30:33,123 --> 00:30:34,409
What a great girl.
525
00:30:37,169 --> 00:30:39,286
I woke up early
the next morning.
526
00:30:39,588 --> 00:30:43,878
Too early to call her.
I just couldn't get her out of my mind.
527
00:30:44,176 --> 00:30:46,008
I couldn't wait
till I got to know her.
528
00:31:00,442 --> 00:31:04,356
I love the way your nose
crinkles up when you smile.
529
00:31:04,654 --> 00:31:08,648
Ugly? They are not.
I love your freckles.
530
00:31:10,577 --> 00:31:13,866
What's the best movie you
ever saw in your whole life?
531
00:31:14,164 --> 00:31:16,872
You're kidding!
I don't believe it, me, too.
532
00:31:17,167 --> 00:31:19,250
Favorite food?
533
00:31:19,544 --> 00:31:21,251
With or without
walnuts?
534
00:31:21,546 --> 00:31:23,458
I knew it!
I knew it!
535
00:31:26,635 --> 00:31:30,003
What's the saddest thing
that ever happened to you?
536
00:31:33,100 --> 00:31:36,218
My God! Really?
537
00:31:36,520 --> 00:31:39,979
That's awful. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to make you cry.
538
00:31:40,273 --> 00:31:42,890
There, there.
Just cry right into my arms.
539
00:31:43,193 --> 00:31:45,105
It's gonna be all right.
Everything's all right.
540
00:31:45,404 --> 00:31:47,817
I'm here.
I'm never gonna leave you.
541
00:32:04,381 --> 00:32:07,124
I couldn't wait any longer.
I had to talk to her.
542
00:32:07,426 --> 00:32:09,668
She had to be up by now,
it was almost 6:00.
543
00:32:18,353 --> 00:32:19,514
Oh, God!
544
00:32:20,605 --> 00:32:22,517
Lois? Doris.
545
00:32:23,733 --> 00:32:24,974
Or...
546
00:32:25,277 --> 00:32:26,984
Boris?
547
00:32:27,279 --> 00:32:28,645
7-3-6?
548
00:32:28,947 --> 00:32:30,529
7-3-8.
549
00:32:31,575 --> 00:32:33,487
1-3-6?
Damn it!
550
00:32:50,510 --> 00:32:51,591
Hello?
551
00:32:51,887 --> 00:32:53,753
Hello. Is there a Lois
living there?
552
00:32:54,055 --> 00:32:55,216
Uh, Lois? No.
553
00:32:55,515 --> 00:32:57,848
Uh, Doris?
No.
554
00:32:58,143 --> 00:32:59,850
Uh, Bess or Tess?
555
00:33:00,145 --> 00:33:01,807
No. Hey, who is this?
556
00:33:02,105 --> 00:33:03,516
Please, sir,
this is very important.
557
00:33:03,815 --> 00:33:05,751
Can you just tell me,
is there a girl living there,
558
00:33:05,775 --> 00:33:08,984
mid 20s, 5'3", blonde,
559
00:33:09,279 --> 00:33:12,738
beautiful face,
great figure,
560
00:33:13,033 --> 00:33:16,197
fresh skin, full lips,
561
00:33:16,495 --> 00:33:19,613
and young, vibrant, alive?
562
00:33:20,332 --> 00:33:22,073
Is there?
563
00:33:22,375 --> 00:33:25,118
No, no, no.
But please, please don't stop.
564
00:33:36,890 --> 00:33:37,890
Hello?
565
00:33:38,058 --> 00:33:39,344
Larry?
566
00:33:39,643 --> 00:33:40,643
Yeah. Who's this?
567
00:33:40,852 --> 00:33:41,968
Danielle.
568
00:33:42,771 --> 00:33:44,353
Danielle?
569
00:33:44,648 --> 00:33:46,560
I want you back, Larry.
570
00:33:46,858 --> 00:33:50,397
Yeah, me and every other guy in New York.
How's the rock group?
571
00:33:50,695 --> 00:33:52,402
Oh, Larry.
572
00:33:52,697 --> 00:33:55,405
You're the only one that
ever meant anything to me.
573
00:33:55,700 --> 00:33:56,802
This is the pits, man.
574
00:33:56,826 --> 00:33:57,826
The only one.
575
00:33:58,078 --> 00:33:59,285
Who took my pick?
576
00:33:59,579 --> 00:34:00,932
- Not me, man.
- I lost my sack.
577
00:34:00,956 --> 00:34:02,242
Oh, good-bye, Iggy.
Bye, babe.
578
00:34:02,541 --> 00:34:05,375
Good-bye, Fuzzy, Zippy, Zingo, Starr.
Adios.
579
00:34:05,669 --> 00:34:07,813
Oh, Iggy, on your way out,
could you take out the garbage?
580
00:34:07,837 --> 00:34:08,998
Thanks, love.
581
00:34:11,466 --> 00:34:12,877
What about mushy-mushy?
582
00:34:13,176 --> 00:34:14,737
Need a little help
with the drums.
583
00:34:14,761 --> 00:34:15,761
Don't you miss it?
584
00:34:15,845 --> 00:34:16,845
No.
585
00:34:16,972 --> 00:34:18,088
Yes, you do.
586
00:34:18,390 --> 00:34:20,598
All right, so I miss it.
Big deal.
587
00:34:20,892 --> 00:34:21,892
Bye, Danny.
588
00:34:22,018 --> 00:34:25,887
I'm all alone in bed.
589
00:34:26,189 --> 00:34:29,227
It would only take you
five minutes to get here.
590
00:34:29,526 --> 00:34:32,940
There'll never be
anyone else for me but you.
591
00:34:33,238 --> 00:34:35,651
Just you and me,
592
00:34:35,949 --> 00:34:39,192
together forever and ever.
593
00:34:41,371 --> 00:34:42,987
Do you mean that, Danielle?
594
00:34:43,290 --> 00:34:46,033
Hold on a sec.
I got another call.
595
00:34:46,334 --> 00:34:48,747
I knew she'd come
back to me! I knew it!
596
00:34:51,256 --> 00:34:53,543
Hello? Who's this?
597
00:34:53,842 --> 00:34:57,506
Larry. Larry Hubbard.
598
00:34:57,804 --> 00:35:00,842
Oh, Larry.
Nice to hear from you.
599
00:35:01,141 --> 00:35:05,681
Listen, I'm a little busy right now,
can you call me back some other time, okay?
600
00:35:19,743 --> 00:35:21,575
...with a 20% chance of rain,
601
00:35:21,870 --> 00:35:23,361
clearing in the afternoon.
602
00:35:23,663 --> 00:35:26,451
There were three suicides
in Manhattan late last night,
603
00:35:26,750 --> 00:35:29,163
all characterized
as lonely guys.
604
00:35:29,461 --> 00:35:32,169
Two of the men were found dead
in their West Side apartments,
605
00:35:32,464 --> 00:35:35,707
both traveling salesmen who came
home from the road after two weeks,
606
00:35:36,009 --> 00:35:39,343
and found that their large,
beautiful fern plants were dead.
607
00:35:39,638 --> 00:35:41,300
Wow.
A third lonely guy,
608
00:35:41,598 --> 00:35:43,214
who had a view just
below the East River,
609
00:35:43,516 --> 00:35:45,178
opened his window and drowned.
610
00:35:45,477 --> 00:35:49,187
There was no suicide note.
Apparently, he had no one to leave it to.
611
00:35:49,481 --> 00:35:50,597
Talk about lonely.
612
00:35:50,899 --> 00:35:52,640
And here's a bulletin.
613
00:35:52,942 --> 00:35:56,435
The New York Police Department reports
there's just been another suicide,
614
00:35:56,738 --> 00:35:59,651
that of a lonely rock group.
More details as we get them.
615
00:35:59,949 --> 00:36:01,315
Way to go, Danielle.
616
00:36:01,618 --> 00:36:04,076
And now, back to easy listening.
It's kind of a late...
617
00:36:07,999 --> 00:36:11,618
Queen's rook to king three.
618
00:36:20,887 --> 00:36:22,003
Hello.
619
00:36:22,931 --> 00:36:25,048
Hello?
620
00:36:25,350 --> 00:36:27,495
Hey, Warren, it's Larry. You wanna do
something tonight, maybe go to dinner?
621
00:36:27,519 --> 00:36:31,559
No, thanks, Larry.
No, I think maybe I'll just stay in tonight,
622
00:36:31,856 --> 00:36:34,644
relax, put on a fire.
Maybe some other time.
623
00:36:34,943 --> 00:36:36,855
Sure. I understand.
Thanks for calling.
624
00:36:37,153 --> 00:36:38,189
Bye.
625
00:36:49,290 --> 00:36:51,953
Capture of queen by rook.
626
00:37:00,343 --> 00:37:04,132
Queen's rook to queen seven.
Checkmate.
627
00:37:06,766 --> 00:37:09,224
Thank you
for a pleasant game.
628
00:37:09,519 --> 00:37:11,351
Thank you.
629
00:37:11,646 --> 00:37:16,186
You played very well,
except for moves 14 through 17,
630
00:37:16,484 --> 00:37:19,352
which you played
like an asshole.
631
00:37:36,963 --> 00:37:37,963
Yes?
632
00:37:38,256 --> 00:37:39,616
Hi. Do you have
a table for dinner?
633
00:37:39,716 --> 00:37:41,235
Certainly, sir.
How many in your party?
634
00:37:41,259 --> 00:37:42,259
I'm alone.
635
00:37:42,552 --> 00:37:43,633
Alone?
636
00:37:53,313 --> 00:37:54,394
Follow me, sir.
637
00:37:58,818 --> 00:38:00,104
This way, sir.
638
00:38:15,752 --> 00:38:16,868
Thank you.
639
00:38:19,631 --> 00:38:21,668
Would you care
for a cocktail, sir?
640
00:38:21,966 --> 00:38:23,457
Yes, I'd like
a todka and vonic.
641
00:38:23,760 --> 00:38:24,841
A todka and vonic?
642
00:38:25,136 --> 00:38:26,136
Yes.
643
00:38:26,221 --> 00:38:27,632
Very good, sir.
644
00:38:29,808 --> 00:38:31,845
Oh, and, Captain?
645
00:38:32,143 --> 00:38:33,805
Could you turn out
the spotlight, please?
646
00:38:34,103 --> 00:38:35,103
Certainly.
647
00:38:36,940 --> 00:38:40,433
And could everybody
go back to talking?
648
00:38:40,735 --> 00:38:41,735
Certainly.
649
00:38:58,586 --> 00:39:00,498
This is
the really hard part,
650
00:39:00,797 --> 00:39:02,317
sitting there
trying to convince people
651
00:39:02,549 --> 00:39:04,711
you're eating alone
on purpose.
652
00:39:05,009 --> 00:39:06,966
But Warren told me
how to handle it.
653
00:39:14,143 --> 00:39:16,135
Is it all right?
654
00:39:18,314 --> 00:39:20,226
Oh, you can read
my review next Sunday.
655
00:39:28,449 --> 00:39:29,530
Hi.
656
00:39:29,826 --> 00:39:31,692
Oh, it's you!
My God, it's you!
657
00:39:31,995 --> 00:39:33,755
I wiped my mouth with
the napkin you gave me.
658
00:39:33,955 --> 00:39:35,821
I spent two solid days
trying to decipher it.
659
00:39:36,124 --> 00:39:37,911
I promised God
if he let me find you again,
660
00:39:38,209 --> 00:39:40,542
I would never ever wipe food
off my face as long as I live.
661
00:39:40,837 --> 00:39:42,920
Oh, well, I figured
that would happen.
662
00:39:43,214 --> 00:39:45,376
Lonely guys always
lose phone numbers.
663
00:39:45,675 --> 00:39:46,882
What is your name?
Iris.
664
00:39:47,176 --> 00:39:50,135
Iris! Iris.
Of course, Iris.
665
00:39:50,430 --> 00:39:52,217
Sit down. Let me
get you something.
666
00:39:52,515 --> 00:39:55,633
Oh, no, thanks. I'm here with my ex-husband,
and we're leaving.
667
00:39:57,770 --> 00:39:58,931
So that's Marty?
668
00:39:59,230 --> 00:40:02,098
Oh, no, that's
my ex-husband Jeremy.
669
00:40:02,400 --> 00:40:04,392
Different ex-husband?
Mmm.
670
00:40:04,694 --> 00:40:06,435
Well, I have to go.
671
00:40:06,738 --> 00:40:08,507
Wait. Your number.
Oh, I wrote it down on the check.
672
00:40:08,531 --> 00:40:10,614
The, uh, waiter will
give it to you.
673
00:40:10,909 --> 00:40:11,945
I'll call you tomorrow.
674
00:40:12,243 --> 00:40:13,825
Okay.
675
00:40:14,120 --> 00:40:16,077
Bye.
Bye.
676
00:40:16,372 --> 00:40:19,115
Iris, Iris, Iris.
Waiter! Check.
677
00:40:20,793 --> 00:40:22,284
Here we are, sir.
678
00:40:22,587 --> 00:40:24,203
Thank you.
679
00:40:24,505 --> 00:40:27,498
No, no. Please, sir.
With an eminent food critic such as yourself,
680
00:40:27,800 --> 00:40:29,132
the pleasure
is all ours.
681
00:40:29,427 --> 00:40:30,543
No...
682
00:40:42,398 --> 00:40:44,435
I phoned every Iris
in the New York area.
683
00:40:44,734 --> 00:40:46,600
Hello?
Hi.
684
00:40:46,903 --> 00:40:49,089
Is this the Iris who gave me her
number in a restaurant last night?
685
00:40:49,113 --> 00:40:50,320
No, it's not.
686
00:40:50,615 --> 00:40:52,481
Sorry.
687
00:40:52,784 --> 00:40:55,447
I combed the entire
neighborhood where I met her.
688
00:41:02,460 --> 00:41:05,578
Night and day,
day and night.
689
00:41:16,891 --> 00:41:20,305
I got so desperate,
I went up to my roof and called out her name.
690
00:41:20,603 --> 00:41:22,014
Iris!
691
00:41:23,940 --> 00:41:26,728
Iris, where are you?
692
00:41:27,026 --> 00:41:30,940
Marilyn!
Marilyn, my love!
693
00:41:31,239 --> 00:41:37,327
Barbara!
Where are you, Barbara?
694
00:41:37,620 --> 00:41:42,331
Lupe, I miss you!
Where are you?
695
00:41:42,625 --> 00:41:47,290
Erica!
Erica, it's me!
696
00:41:48,798 --> 00:41:50,164
Iris!
697
00:41:50,466 --> 00:41:52,458
Caroline!
698
00:41:52,760 --> 00:41:54,626
Iris, where are you?
Barbara!
699
00:41:54,929 --> 00:41:56,795
Erica!
Caroline!
700
00:41:57,098 --> 00:42:01,388
Lupe, where are you?
Iris!
701
00:42:01,686 --> 00:42:05,305
When I was in high school,
I went to a movie theater with a girl.
702
00:42:05,606 --> 00:42:08,474
I was sitting there,
and about 20 minutes into the picture,
703
00:42:08,776 --> 00:42:11,484
I slowly put my arm
around her.
704
00:42:11,779 --> 00:42:15,864
Slowly, slowly, I put it on her
breast. She didn't say a word.
705
00:42:17,410 --> 00:42:18,992
And I thought,
"This is great."
706
00:42:19,287 --> 00:42:20,347
And I sat through the whole
picture and didn't move.
707
00:42:20,371 --> 00:42:22,112
It was just right there.
708
00:42:22,415 --> 00:42:24,309
And when the lights came up,
I realized it was on her purse.
709
00:42:24,333 --> 00:42:25,333
Oh.
710
00:42:26,377 --> 00:42:27,709
It was still fun, though.
711
00:42:28,004 --> 00:42:29,495
'Cause you didn't know, yeah.
Yeah.
712
00:42:31,591 --> 00:42:33,751
I thought it might
help to see a psychiatrist.
713
00:42:33,885 --> 00:42:35,922
You know, just to have
someone to unload on,
714
00:42:36,220 --> 00:42:38,462
someone compassionate
and understanding.
715
00:42:42,101 --> 00:42:43,182
Does Dr. Zook live here?
716
00:42:43,478 --> 00:42:44,478
Second bell from the top.
717
00:42:44,687 --> 00:42:45,687
Thank you.
718
00:42:49,192 --> 00:42:50,192
Yes?
719
00:42:50,401 --> 00:42:51,641
Hi, Dr. Zook.
My name's Hubbard.
720
00:42:51,819 --> 00:42:53,560
I have a 3:00
appointment with you.
721
00:42:53,863 --> 00:42:56,105
Hubbard, yes.
Nice to meet you.
722
00:42:56,407 --> 00:42:57,523
Thank you.
723
00:42:57,825 --> 00:43:00,192
Talk into the box,
please.
724
00:43:00,495 --> 00:43:01,495
What?
725
00:43:01,579 --> 00:43:03,036
Talk into the box.
726
00:43:03,331 --> 00:43:06,870
So, why did you decide
to come and see me?
727
00:43:12,840 --> 00:43:16,925
Well, I recently ended
a relationship with this girl,
728
00:43:17,220 --> 00:43:21,885
and I was feeling
kind of lonely, and I...
729
00:43:22,183 --> 00:43:24,516
Excuse me.
Do you mind if I smoke?
730
00:43:25,770 --> 00:43:26,886
Uh, no. Go ahead.
731
00:43:27,188 --> 00:43:29,180
Thank you.
732
00:43:29,482 --> 00:43:31,763
You were saying you ended this
relationship with this girl?
733
00:43:32,026 --> 00:43:33,858
Well, I came home...
734
00:43:34,153 --> 00:43:36,633
See, I was living with a ballet dancer,
her name was Danielle...
735
00:43:36,697 --> 00:43:39,235
So when my father gave me a "C" in English,
I didn't understand.
736
00:43:39,534 --> 00:43:42,471
I mean, he told me it was because he had
to treat me like all the other kids,
737
00:43:42,495 --> 00:43:44,855
but I really thought he was being much,
much tougher on me...
738
00:43:44,914 --> 00:43:48,749
Sorry, Larry.
That's all the time we have for today.
739
00:43:49,043 --> 00:43:52,332
If you like, I can see you
next Thursday at 3:00.
740
00:43:52,630 --> 00:43:55,088
Yes, yes, I would.
I think the talking has helped.
741
00:43:55,383 --> 00:43:59,423
Well, good. Now,
if you'll just deposit $50 in my mail slot.
742
00:44:00,847 --> 00:44:02,054
Okay. Thanks.
743
00:44:02,348 --> 00:44:03,348
You bet.
744
00:44:04,433 --> 00:44:06,174
You know what gets me?
745
00:44:06,477 --> 00:44:08,637
I go to get a haircut,
they charge me, like, four bucks,
746
00:44:08,855 --> 00:44:11,643
which is the same amount of money
they would charge anybody to come in,
747
00:44:11,941 --> 00:44:14,900
but, like, say a guy like Michael
Landon goes into the shop where I go,
748
00:44:15,194 --> 00:44:17,047
they would charge him four bucks,
yet he's got, like,
749
00:44:17,071 --> 00:44:19,654
a hundred times more hair
than I do.
750
00:44:19,949 --> 00:44:22,783
By rights, they should be charging
Michael Landon, like, $400.
751
00:44:23,077 --> 00:44:26,070
Yeah, but they don't charge you by how
much hair you've got, they charge...
752
00:44:26,372 --> 00:44:29,615
They're paid to make it look
good with what you've got.
753
00:44:29,917 --> 00:44:31,520
Well, I don't even know
if they've done that.
754
00:44:31,544 --> 00:44:32,830
I mean, how does that look?
755
00:44:34,547 --> 00:44:36,083
See, that's what I'm saying.
756
00:44:36,382 --> 00:44:38,142
You ever tried, maybe,
like, swooping it over?
757
00:44:38,384 --> 00:44:39,903
You know how some guys,
they grow their hair real long,
758
00:44:39,927 --> 00:44:41,589
and then, like,
they swoop it over.
759
00:44:41,888 --> 00:44:43,699
You can do a lot like that,
you can get a pompadour and everything.
760
00:44:43,723 --> 00:44:45,643
My hair doesn't grow long
enough to swoop it over.
761
00:44:45,808 --> 00:44:48,248
Besides, I think when you see a
guy with his hair swooped over,
762
00:44:48,519 --> 00:44:50,519
you know he's, like,
doing it to cover up something.
763
00:44:50,771 --> 00:44:53,000
Yeah, I mean, if a guy has a lot of hair,
he's not gonna swoop it over.
764
00:44:53,024 --> 00:44:55,767
Guy has a lot of hair,
he's not gonna swoop it over.
765
00:44:56,068 --> 00:44:57,754
You know,
the guys who always keep their hair,
766
00:44:57,778 --> 00:44:59,458
are the guys who have
no use for it at all,
767
00:44:59,697 --> 00:45:01,175
they're not trying
to impress anybody.
768
00:45:01,199 --> 00:45:03,111
Who's that?
Like bums.
769
00:45:03,409 --> 00:45:06,573
You ever seen a bald bum?
They always have a beautiful head of hair.
770
00:45:06,871 --> 00:45:08,032
Why is that?
771
00:45:08,331 --> 00:45:11,074
I think it's because
they never wash it.
772
00:45:11,375 --> 00:45:13,020
It's the only time you ever
see your hair fall out,
773
00:45:13,044 --> 00:45:14,730
is after you take your shower,
and you wash your hair,
774
00:45:14,754 --> 00:45:16,666
there's a bunch
of hair lying there.
775
00:45:16,964 --> 00:45:18,984
You mean, if I'd never washed my hair,
I'd have a full head of hair?
776
00:45:19,008 --> 00:45:21,195
Of course, they could lose their hair,
too, and maybe it just stays in.
777
00:45:21,219 --> 00:45:23,859
Just locked in there. If they ever wash it,
they could be bald bums.
778
00:45:24,055 --> 00:45:25,055
Yeah.
779
00:45:33,773 --> 00:45:35,733
Mr. Hubbard,
the manuscript which you sent us,
780
00:45:36,025 --> 00:45:39,393
it is not the sort of thing this
company is interested in doing,
781
00:45:39,695 --> 00:45:41,061
the Speedy Fingers
Typing Service.
782
00:45:42,615 --> 00:45:43,815
Hi, Larry,
it's Warren.
783
00:45:44,075 --> 00:45:45,915
I can't go to the movie
with you tomorrow night
784
00:45:46,035 --> 00:45:48,322
because I decided
to end it all.
785
00:45:48,621 --> 00:45:50,453
My life just seems so empty
and meaningless
786
00:45:50,748 --> 00:45:53,957
that I can't see any point
in going on with it.
787
00:45:54,252 --> 00:45:57,040
Hope you enjoy the movie.
Good-bye.
788
00:46:07,515 --> 00:46:09,723
I figured he'd be
at the Manhattan Bridge.
789
00:46:10,017 --> 00:46:13,010
It was a sort of "in" spot
for suicidal lonely guys.
790
00:46:19,610 --> 00:46:21,021
Check it out, man.
791
00:46:31,372 --> 00:46:32,738
We got some more paint.
792
00:46:34,041 --> 00:46:35,157
Block the door, man.
793
00:46:35,459 --> 00:46:37,041
Check it, check it.
Check it out.
794
00:46:50,099 --> 00:46:52,466
Iris! I lost
your phone number!
795
00:47:01,610 --> 00:47:03,852
Hey, hey, hey!
796
00:47:15,082 --> 00:47:16,698
I'll see you there.
797
00:47:21,088 --> 00:47:23,455
Man, you sure are some
bad backward writer.
798
00:47:23,758 --> 00:47:24,839
Thanks.
799
00:47:33,642 --> 00:47:35,008
Warren?
800
00:47:36,062 --> 00:47:39,021
Warren! Warren!
801
00:47:41,734 --> 00:47:43,566
Warren.
802
00:47:43,861 --> 00:47:45,773
Warren?
803
00:47:46,906 --> 00:47:48,238
Warren?
804
00:47:49,075 --> 00:47:50,486
Warren!
805
00:47:52,578 --> 00:47:54,945
- Warren!
- Carol!
806
00:47:55,247 --> 00:47:56,283
Warren?
807
00:47:57,666 --> 00:47:58,873
Warren!
808
00:48:01,796 --> 00:48:04,254
Warren. Warren?
809
00:48:05,257 --> 00:48:06,873
No. Henry.
810
00:48:08,135 --> 00:48:09,671
Warren?
811
00:48:09,970 --> 00:48:11,256
Warren?
812
00:48:11,555 --> 00:48:12,921
Warren!
813
00:48:13,224 --> 00:48:15,181
Don't come any closer, Larry.
814
00:48:15,476 --> 00:48:18,935
Warren, come down from there.
You have too much to live for.
815
00:48:19,230 --> 00:48:20,812
Give me three things.
816
00:48:25,277 --> 00:48:26,393
Two things?
817
00:48:30,282 --> 00:48:32,194
One thing?
818
00:48:32,493 --> 00:48:35,201
Not dying. Not dying
is something to live for.
819
00:48:35,496 --> 00:48:37,283
What's the difference?
Nobody cares.
820
00:48:37,581 --> 00:48:39,901
Warren, I care. I'm your friend.
I care what happens to you.
821
00:48:40,167 --> 00:48:42,659
You gotta believe that,
Warren. You gotta believe it.
822
00:48:42,962 --> 00:48:44,749
You're great, Larry.
823
00:48:45,047 --> 00:48:46,691
I mean, a lot of people say they're your friend...
- Larry?
824
00:48:46,715 --> 00:48:48,360
...but to come running
down here like this.
825
00:48:48,384 --> 00:48:50,467
Stay there.
I'll be right back.
826
00:48:52,471 --> 00:48:55,384
Oh, Iris!
I'm so glad I found you.
827
00:48:57,309 --> 00:48:58,620
Oh, come on.
My best friend is gonna jump.
828
00:48:58,644 --> 00:48:59,851
What?
829
00:49:01,647 --> 00:49:02,763
Warren, please, come down.
830
00:49:03,065 --> 00:49:04,772
Who's this?
831
00:49:05,067 --> 00:49:07,170
This is Iris, the girl I told you about.
I found her again.
832
00:49:07,194 --> 00:49:10,983
Aw, gosh, she is lovely.
How are you?
833
00:49:11,282 --> 00:49:12,898
Fine. You?
834
00:49:14,785 --> 00:49:16,572
Warren, please don't
do this, I need you.
835
00:49:16,871 --> 00:49:18,703
You don't need me.
You two have each other.
836
00:49:18,998 --> 00:49:20,278
No, we don't,
this'll never last.
837
00:49:20,458 --> 00:49:22,120
She's already had
two husbands.
838
00:49:22,418 --> 00:49:23,909
Six.
Six?
839
00:49:24,211 --> 00:49:26,373
Six?
Six.
840
00:49:26,672 --> 00:49:29,433
Six! See? You can't have a stable
relationship with a person like that.
841
00:49:29,633 --> 00:49:33,752
It's nice of you both to lie,
but I can see how you feel about each other.
842
00:49:34,054 --> 00:49:36,717
Okay, but that doesn't mean I
don't need you in my life, too.
843
00:49:37,016 --> 00:49:39,474
You wanna know the place
I'll have in your life?
844
00:49:39,768 --> 00:49:43,978
You'll have a beautiful wife,
great kids, lovely home,
845
00:49:44,273 --> 00:49:45,855
and I'll be
your bachelor friend
846
00:49:46,150 --> 00:49:47,878
who you feel you have to
invite to your dinner party,
847
00:49:47,902 --> 00:49:49,643
because you haven't
seen me in ages.
848
00:49:49,945 --> 00:49:51,345
But Iris has run out of
single women
849
00:49:51,614 --> 00:49:53,276
to fix me up with,
as a dinner date,
850
00:49:53,574 --> 00:49:55,987
so she wracks her brain and
comes up with this widow
851
00:49:56,285 --> 00:49:59,869
who's 15 years older than me,
overweight, with rotten teeth.
852
00:50:01,499 --> 00:50:03,059
You know, it doesn't
sound all that bad.
853
00:50:04,585 --> 00:50:06,451
I mean, I like
a full-figured woman.
854
00:50:06,754 --> 00:50:08,620
Teeth you can always fix.
855
00:50:08,923 --> 00:50:11,586
And what does age matter,
if you have a good personality, right?
856
00:50:11,884 --> 00:50:13,045
That's right!
857
00:50:13,344 --> 00:50:14,664
Would you make
a nice leg of lamb?
858
00:50:14,887 --> 00:50:15,887
Oh, yes.
859
00:50:16,013 --> 00:50:17,299
Oh, I love lamb.
860
00:50:17,598 --> 00:50:19,038
Excuse me.
Are you using this railing?
861
00:50:19,225 --> 00:50:20,261
No.
862
00:50:20,559 --> 00:50:21,845
Thank you.
You're welcome.
863
00:50:22,144 --> 00:50:23,806
With mint sauce?
Of course. Mint sauce.
864
00:50:24,104 --> 00:50:25,874
Hey, hard to talk here,
let's all go somewhere.
865
00:50:25,898 --> 00:50:27,514
No, you two go ahead.
866
00:50:27,816 --> 00:50:29,252
No, no.
I can't leave you after this.
867
00:50:29,276 --> 00:50:31,984
Hey, I've been up there
plenty of times.
868
00:50:32,279 --> 00:50:33,719
Why don't you come
to dinner with us?
869
00:50:33,948 --> 00:50:37,032
No, no, you go ahead.
I'll catch a slice of pizza.
870
00:50:37,326 --> 00:50:38,386
I'll call
you later.
871
00:50:38,410 --> 00:50:39,410
Thanks, Larry.
872
00:50:45,292 --> 00:50:47,659
Iris, how old are you?
873
00:50:47,962 --> 00:50:49,544
And you've had
six husbands?
874
00:50:49,838 --> 00:50:51,249
That's a lot,
isn't it?
875
00:50:51,549 --> 00:50:53,211
No, no,
not really.
876
00:50:53,509 --> 00:50:55,669
When you think about it,
it's just one every five years.
877
00:50:56,845 --> 00:50:59,258
...and Jerry was
an alcoholic,
878
00:50:59,557 --> 00:51:02,641
and Michael was
a compulsive gambler,
879
00:51:02,935 --> 00:51:05,769
and Fred was
a womanizer.
880
00:51:06,063 --> 00:51:07,929
It seems I've ended up
being hurt
881
00:51:08,232 --> 00:51:10,770
in every relationship
I've ever had.
882
00:51:11,068 --> 00:51:15,438
Iris, I guess no man knows for
sure what he's capable of.
883
00:51:15,739 --> 00:51:19,028
There might be circumstances in
which I might lie, or steal,
884
00:51:19,326 --> 00:51:22,660
or, who knows,
even kill.
885
00:51:22,955 --> 00:51:26,039
But there's one thing I know
in my heart I could never do.
886
00:51:26,333 --> 00:51:30,202
As long as I live,
I could never, never hurt you.
887
00:51:30,504 --> 00:51:31,915
Oh, Larry!
888
00:51:32,214 --> 00:51:33,830
Iris. Oh, gosh!
889
00:51:34,133 --> 00:51:35,749
I'm sorry.
Are you all right? Oh!
890
00:51:36,051 --> 00:51:38,668
Oh, sit down.
It's just a scalded lap.
891
00:51:38,971 --> 00:51:40,257
You sure?
I'm fine. Fine.
892
00:51:40,556 --> 00:51:42,388
Just... Fine.
893
00:51:43,642 --> 00:51:46,055
No. No, you're not.
894
00:51:47,271 --> 00:51:49,228
What are you doing?
895
00:51:49,523 --> 00:51:53,016
I want you to know that whatever
feelings of pain you might have,
896
00:51:53,319 --> 00:51:54,776
I wanna share them
with you.
897
00:52:02,786 --> 00:52:06,655
Oh, that was a very sweet
gesture. Thank you.
898
00:52:08,417 --> 00:52:09,783
You're welcome.
899
00:52:12,254 --> 00:52:15,418
Well, gosh,
it's almost 2:00.
900
00:52:15,716 --> 00:52:17,756
I guess you'd like me to take you home,
wouldn't you?
901
00:52:18,636 --> 00:52:21,174
Yes. To your home.
902
00:52:24,016 --> 00:52:25,052
Really?
903
00:52:25,809 --> 00:52:27,050
Mmm-hmm.
904
00:52:28,562 --> 00:52:31,305
Oh, Iris.
905
00:52:31,607 --> 00:52:33,564
But first, I just have to go
to the bathroom.
906
00:52:33,859 --> 00:52:35,566
Okay, I'll take
care of the check.
907
00:52:35,861 --> 00:52:36,861
I better not.
908
00:52:36,945 --> 00:52:38,061
Why not? Go ahead.
909
00:52:38,364 --> 00:52:39,758
You might not be here
when I get back.
910
00:52:39,782 --> 00:52:41,990
Of course I'd be here.
Why wouldn't I be here?
911
00:52:42,284 --> 00:52:44,071
That's how Milton left me.
912
00:52:46,664 --> 00:52:48,155
I understand.
913
00:52:51,960 --> 00:52:53,496
Are you
still there?
914
00:52:53,796 --> 00:52:55,628
I'm here,
I swear.
915
00:52:55,923 --> 00:52:58,711
You're the first person
who's ever done this for me.
916
00:52:59,009 --> 00:53:00,921
It's nothing.
Honest.
917
00:53:01,220 --> 00:53:03,928
I'm crazy about you,
Larry.
918
00:53:04,223 --> 00:53:05,885
I'm crazy about you,
too, Iris.
919
00:53:12,314 --> 00:53:14,271
We went
back to my place
920
00:53:14,566 --> 00:53:16,979
and talked for two and a half hours,
about everything.
921
00:53:17,277 --> 00:53:20,357
We found out we'd voted for exactly the
same people in the last nine elections.
922
00:53:20,572 --> 00:53:23,565
We sang camp songs
to each other.
923
00:53:23,867 --> 00:53:27,451
Then she got real romantic and said
she wanted to get in bed with me.
924
00:53:27,746 --> 00:53:30,910
I was headed for the
greatest night of my life.
925
00:53:31,208 --> 00:53:33,074
Except she wouldn't
take off her clothes.
926
00:53:33,377 --> 00:53:34,377
Iris, please.
927
00:53:34,628 --> 00:53:35,788
It's not going
to work, Larry.
928
00:53:36,004 --> 00:53:37,004
You're wrong
for me.
929
00:53:37,131 --> 00:53:38,131
Why?
930
00:53:38,382 --> 00:53:41,250
Because you're
so right for me.
931
00:53:41,552 --> 00:53:44,260
You're the most wonderful
man I've ever known.
932
00:53:46,265 --> 00:53:51,101
If I let us get close,
if I made that commitment,
933
00:53:51,395 --> 00:53:56,060
and you hurt me like the others,
I couldn't handle it.
934
00:53:56,358 --> 00:53:57,599
Well, I would never hurt you.
935
00:53:57,901 --> 00:54:00,234
I'm too terrified
to take that chance.
936
00:54:02,990 --> 00:54:06,074
I need someone
937
00:54:06,368 --> 00:54:08,610
who I don't
care a damn about.
938
00:54:08,912 --> 00:54:10,904
Someone mean
939
00:54:11,206 --> 00:54:15,416
and unfeeling and rotten.
940
00:54:15,711 --> 00:54:18,499
Well, I could be that.
Just give me a day or two to work on it.
941
00:54:19,465 --> 00:54:21,252
No, darling.
942
00:54:21,550 --> 00:54:24,588
Iris, look.
I don't want to lose you!
943
00:54:24,887 --> 00:54:26,924
I think you and I
have something special.
944
00:54:27,222 --> 00:54:28,929
I mean, sure, we have
a few problems,
945
00:54:29,224 --> 00:54:33,389
like not having sex,
but we don't have to have sex.
946
00:54:33,687 --> 00:54:35,394
There's plenty of other
things we can do.
947
00:54:35,689 --> 00:54:38,853
We can go to motels and listen
to other people have sex.
948
00:54:39,151 --> 00:54:41,188
It just wasn't meant
to be, Larry.
949
00:54:42,780 --> 00:54:45,443
But there's one thing
I want you to know.
950
00:54:45,741 --> 00:54:48,108
Even though
we didn't do it,
951
00:54:48,410 --> 00:54:50,402
you're the best
I ever had.
952
00:54:54,625 --> 00:54:55,866
The best what?
953
00:55:06,220 --> 00:55:09,258
I love you. I'll always love you,
954
00:55:09,556 --> 00:55:12,424
but I've gone away.
Goodbye, my dearest.
955
00:55:12,726 --> 00:55:16,060
At the sound of the beep,
please try and forget me.
956
00:55:29,618 --> 00:55:33,111
Quarter to 4:00.
Maybe I'll take a nap or something.
957
00:55:33,413 --> 00:55:34,904
I don't like to take naps.
958
00:55:35,207 --> 00:55:37,244
I don't like to wake up
more than once a day,
959
00:55:37,543 --> 00:55:41,412
'cause when I first wake up,
I get that shock of who I am, and everything.
960
00:55:41,713 --> 00:55:44,251
I really don't like to do
that more than once a day.
961
00:55:46,134 --> 00:55:47,295
Yeah.
962
00:55:54,518 --> 00:55:56,078
Hubbard,
I've been wanting to talk to you
963
00:55:56,353 --> 00:55:59,892
about some of the greetings
you've been working on lately.
964
00:56:00,190 --> 00:56:02,933
"Hi there, Grandpa.
Happy Birthday to you.
965
00:56:03,235 --> 00:56:04,897
"And if you live
till next year,
966
00:56:05,195 --> 00:56:07,403
"Happy Birthday
then, too."
967
00:56:07,698 --> 00:56:09,906
I've been a little
preoccupied lately.
968
00:56:10,200 --> 00:56:11,200
A little?
969
00:56:15,539 --> 00:56:18,953
"Will you be my Valentine?
Think about it a bit.
970
00:56:19,251 --> 00:56:20,867
"If you will, that's okay.
971
00:56:21,169 --> 00:56:23,536
"If not, who gives a shit?"
972
00:56:26,717 --> 00:56:29,926
Mr. Hubbard
is fired.
973
00:56:32,264 --> 00:56:33,926
One good thing
about being fired,
974
00:56:34,224 --> 00:56:36,181
it gave me time
to work on my novel.
975
00:56:36,476 --> 00:56:38,593
But that wasn't going
so great either.
976
00:56:41,189 --> 00:56:45,524
"Soon the primal fire began to
burn in Lady Hookstraten's body.
977
00:56:45,819 --> 00:56:48,653
"Her hips twitched
and trembled, as each...
978
00:56:48,947 --> 00:56:52,486
"fireball from Oliver's
powerful cannon
979
00:56:52,784 --> 00:56:54,491
"erupted like molten lava
980
00:56:54,786 --> 00:56:57,119
"into the quivering mouth
981
00:56:57,414 --> 00:57:01,249
"of her ever-fluttering
love purse."
982
00:57:10,135 --> 00:57:12,878
What do I know
about Oliver Cromwell?
983
00:57:14,640 --> 00:57:16,552
What do I know
about love?
984
00:57:18,644 --> 00:57:21,057
All I know about
is lonely,
985
00:57:21,355 --> 00:57:22,766
how to eat alone,
986
00:57:23,065 --> 00:57:24,806
how to live alone.
987
00:57:26,735 --> 00:57:28,977
That's all I know.
988
00:58:03,021 --> 00:58:04,432
Damn wind.
989
00:58:17,160 --> 00:58:19,026
My book became
an instant bestseller.
990
00:58:19,329 --> 00:58:21,616
Lonely guys came out of
the woodwork to get it.
991
00:58:21,915 --> 00:58:23,872
There were more of us
out there than I thought.
992
00:58:24,167 --> 00:58:26,159
Mr. Hubbard,
where did you get the idea
993
00:58:26,461 --> 00:58:28,293
of writing a book
about lonely guys?
994
00:58:28,588 --> 00:58:31,205
I realized that everybody's a
lonely guy at one time or another.
995
00:58:31,508 --> 00:58:33,295
You can be married,
and be a lonely guy.
996
00:58:33,593 --> 00:58:36,381
You can be quarterback of a football team,
and be a lonely guy.
997
00:58:37,723 --> 00:58:39,385
Mr. Hubbard,
I wanna thank you.
998
00:58:39,683 --> 00:58:41,595
You've given hope
to all of us.
999
00:58:41,893 --> 00:58:42,974
Thanks.
1000
00:58:44,730 --> 00:58:47,894
Hi. Could you just put,
"To Jimmy"?
1001
00:58:49,401 --> 00:58:52,894
Sure.
1002
00:58:53,196 --> 00:58:56,064
Funny how a little thing
like writing a number one bestseller
1003
00:58:56,366 --> 00:58:57,402
can change a guy's life.
1004
00:58:59,327 --> 00:59:01,114
Hey, Larry, you're hot.
1005
00:59:01,413 --> 00:59:03,813
Griffin wants you on the West
Coast as soon as he can get you.
1006
00:59:03,915 --> 00:59:05,595
And on the East Coast,
Letterman wants you.
1007
00:59:05,834 --> 00:59:08,451
And, hey, we got a call
from Playboy.
1008
00:59:08,754 --> 00:59:11,462
They want you to pose
with the Bunny of the Month.
1009
00:59:11,757 --> 00:59:13,999
She thinks you're terrific.
1010
00:59:14,301 --> 00:59:16,941
Woof! Woof! You're her favorite writer.
Oh, and, hey, what a looker.
1011
00:59:32,778 --> 00:59:35,020
"It looks like blonde
bombshell Loni Anderson
1012
00:59:35,322 --> 00:59:38,815
"has turned Larry Hubbard into
America's unloneliest lonely guy.
1013
00:59:39,117 --> 00:59:41,985
"It seems they haven't left Larry's
West Side apartment in two weeks,
1014
00:59:42,287 --> 00:59:43,653
"and whatever
they're doing there,
1015
00:59:43,955 --> 00:59:46,948
"we bet they're not
collaborating on a new book."
1016
00:59:47,250 --> 00:59:48,866
Where do they get
this trash?
1017
00:59:49,169 --> 00:59:50,169
Beats me.
1018
00:59:50,420 --> 00:59:51,420
I'm so glad we...
1019
00:59:52,964 --> 00:59:54,455
I wonder,
Anita and Shotze,
1020
00:59:54,758 --> 00:59:57,000
if the European feelings are
as strong as the Americans'?
1021
00:59:57,302 --> 00:59:59,885
Well,
speaking for myself,
1022
01:00:00,180 --> 01:00:03,423
I know that wealth, or fame,
or social position,
1023
01:00:03,725 --> 01:00:08,595
have absolutely nothing to do with
whether or not I'm attracted to a man.
1024
01:00:08,897 --> 01:00:12,231
This is true. You should see some
of the trash she goes out with.
1025
01:00:15,320 --> 01:00:18,438
You know, it's true.
I've found that I've been able to date women
1026
01:00:18,740 --> 01:00:21,580
who wouldn't have given me a second
look before my book became a success.
1027
01:00:21,827 --> 01:00:24,285
But don't you see, Larry?
Success changes a man.
1028
01:00:24,579 --> 01:00:27,538
It makes him confident,
poised, self-assured.
1029
01:00:27,833 --> 01:00:30,166
And it's these new qualities
in the man himself
1030
01:00:30,460 --> 01:00:32,372
that account for his
newfound appeal.
1031
01:00:32,671 --> 01:00:34,151
Well, I guess
that's what it is, then.
1032
01:00:36,967 --> 01:00:38,424
Aw...
1033
01:00:38,718 --> 01:00:42,007
♪ Everybody loves
my baby
1034
01:00:42,305 --> 01:00:48,051
♪ But my baby don't love
nobody but me
1035
01:00:48,353 --> 01:00:51,437
♪ Nobody but me ♪
1036
01:00:51,731 --> 01:00:54,144
Aw, gosh.
I hate to interrupt.
1037
01:00:54,442 --> 01:00:57,059
It's all been
so incredibly fascinating,
1038
01:00:57,362 --> 01:00:58,978
and entertaining,
and instructive.
1039
01:00:59,281 --> 01:01:02,274
Really, the time
has just flown by.
1040
01:01:02,576 --> 01:01:05,114
The lovely Schneider twins,
Anita and Shotze.
1041
01:01:05,412 --> 01:01:09,076
Ex-lonely guy,
Larry Hubbard.
1042
01:01:09,374 --> 01:01:12,287
And Dr. Joyce Brothers.
I can't thank you enough for being here.
1043
01:01:12,586 --> 01:01:14,543
You've made it
a very special night for me.
1044
01:01:14,838 --> 01:01:17,751
And I hope we can all get
together and do it again.
1045
01:01:18,049 --> 01:01:19,961
Thank you. Good night.
1046
01:01:47,621 --> 01:01:49,362
♪ Everybody
loves my... ♪
1047
01:01:49,664 --> 01:01:51,530
Gosh, I hate
to interrupt.
1048
01:01:51,833 --> 01:01:54,325
This has been all
so incredibly fascinating
1049
01:01:54,628 --> 01:01:57,120
and entertaining
and instructive.
1050
01:01:57,422 --> 01:01:59,163
Really, the time
has just flown by.
1051
01:01:59,466 --> 01:02:02,334
I can't thank you all
enough for being here.
1052
01:02:02,636 --> 01:02:04,878
You've made it a very
special evening for me,
1053
01:02:05,180 --> 01:02:06,741
and I hope we
can all get together...
1054
01:02:06,765 --> 01:02:09,974
Oh, that was a very sweet
gesture. Thank you.
1055
01:02:18,235 --> 01:02:20,773
I wrote it all down
on the napkin.
1056
01:02:21,071 --> 01:02:22,733
I know what
you're going through.
1057
01:02:25,408 --> 01:02:28,116
Hi. Oh, it's you!
My God, it's you!
1058
01:02:28,411 --> 01:02:30,403
I'm crazy about you,
Larry.
1059
01:02:54,604 --> 01:02:58,644
♪ You made me love you
1060
01:02:58,942 --> 01:03:00,934
♪ You woke me up to do it ♪
1061
01:03:01,236 --> 01:03:03,714
Excuse me.
...hasn't been around on the literary scene for years.
1062
01:03:03,738 --> 01:03:05,400
I've been staring at you
all night.
1063
01:03:13,832 --> 01:03:16,074
The difference between
an agent and a manager is,
1064
01:03:16,376 --> 01:03:18,333
with a manager, we have to
be this family...
1065
01:03:21,381 --> 01:03:22,667
Great party, Larry.
1066
01:03:22,966 --> 01:03:24,246
It's fun, isn't it?
It really is.
1067
01:03:24,426 --> 01:03:25,426
Yeah.
1068
01:03:28,513 --> 01:03:29,513
Oh, excuse me.
1069
01:03:36,730 --> 01:03:38,767
You look great.
Come on in.
1070
01:03:39,065 --> 01:03:42,103
No, you're busy.
I'll come back another time.
1071
01:03:42,944 --> 01:03:44,060
No.
1072
01:03:44,362 --> 01:03:46,604
No, I've...
I missed you.
1073
01:03:46,906 --> 01:03:49,273
Oh, I missed you.
1074
01:03:49,576 --> 01:03:52,444
I saw you on
The Merv Griffin Show.
1075
01:03:52,746 --> 01:03:53,953
Oh, really?
1076
01:03:55,540 --> 01:03:57,953
I tried to stay away,
but I couldn't.
1077
01:03:58,251 --> 01:03:59,913
I wanted you so much.
1078
01:04:05,425 --> 01:04:07,417
Danielle.
Larry.
1079
01:04:08,428 --> 01:04:09,428
Danielle.
1080
01:04:09,679 --> 01:04:10,965
Larry?
1081
01:04:11,264 --> 01:04:13,551
Oh, Iris, Danielle.
Danielle, Iris.
1082
01:04:14,559 --> 01:04:15,766
Larry.
1083
01:04:16,061 --> 01:04:17,268
Danielle?
1084
01:04:17,562 --> 01:04:18,894
Larry?
Iris!
1085
01:04:19,731 --> 01:04:20,847
Larry!
1086
01:04:21,149 --> 01:04:22,515
Danielle.
1087
01:04:22,817 --> 01:04:24,103
Larry!
Iris!
1088
01:04:24,402 --> 01:04:25,438
Danielle?
1089
01:04:25,737 --> 01:04:26,737
Iris.
1090
01:04:37,707 --> 01:04:40,074
The incinerator's
down the steps.
1091
01:04:41,419 --> 01:04:42,580
Iris?
1092
01:04:42,879 --> 01:04:44,040
Larry!
1093
01:04:53,348 --> 01:04:55,305
I'm so glad you
sent everyone home.
1094
01:04:55,600 --> 01:04:57,160
Do you think
it was too abrupt?
1095
01:04:57,185 --> 01:04:59,723
I didn't think you'd
remember my phone number.
1096
01:05:04,234 --> 01:05:06,817
It feels so good
next to your body.
1097
01:05:07,112 --> 01:05:09,775
Your feet are so warm.
1098
01:05:10,073 --> 01:05:12,065
Can I take
my socks off now?
1099
01:05:12,367 --> 01:05:14,199
Please.
1100
01:05:14,494 --> 01:05:17,202
Sure. I just didn't know if you
wanted to go all the way or not.
1101
01:05:32,512 --> 01:05:34,469
Oh, Iris.
1102
01:05:35,598 --> 01:05:36,714
Oh, my God, Iris.
1103
01:05:37,851 --> 01:05:40,184
I don't believe it.
1104
01:05:40,478 --> 01:05:42,398
I didn't believe something
like this was possible.
1105
01:05:42,522 --> 01:05:45,014
Oh, my God, Iris.
1106
01:05:45,316 --> 01:05:47,057
Have you started
yet, Larry?
1107
01:05:48,319 --> 01:05:50,151
Of course I've started.
1108
01:05:50,447 --> 01:05:52,800
What did you think all the "Oh,
my God, Iris," was all about?
1109
01:05:52,824 --> 01:05:53,824
I'm sorry.
1110
01:05:54,033 --> 01:05:55,365
I'm inexperienced.
1111
01:05:55,660 --> 01:05:57,380
I know that sounds crazy,
with six husbands,
1112
01:05:57,662 --> 01:06:01,622
but, you see, I've never had a...
You know what.
1113
01:06:01,916 --> 01:06:03,657
You mean an orgasm?
1114
01:06:03,960 --> 01:06:05,917
I didn't wanna
talk dirty.
1115
01:06:06,212 --> 01:06:09,376
None of them ever seemed to
care if I ever had them or not.
1116
01:06:09,674 --> 01:06:13,588
Well, I care. Look, um,
I'll let you know.
1117
01:06:13,887 --> 01:06:15,173
Whenever you have one,
1118
01:06:15,472 --> 01:06:17,134
I'll let you know
about it.
1119
01:06:17,432 --> 01:06:21,426
Oh, you are so sweet,
Larry. I appreciate that.
1120
01:06:21,728 --> 01:06:24,345
Well, after all,
I think it's the man's responsibility to...
1121
01:06:24,647 --> 01:06:26,104
Oh! There goes one!
1122
01:06:27,775 --> 01:06:29,061
You just had one.
I did?
1123
01:06:29,360 --> 01:06:30,560
Yeah, sure.
Didn't you feel it?
1124
01:06:30,737 --> 01:06:32,353
Well, in what part
of the body?
1125
01:06:32,655 --> 01:06:34,592
Well, I just can't blurt out
in what part of the body.
1126
01:06:34,616 --> 01:06:35,616
Oh.
1127
01:06:35,700 --> 01:06:36,941
There goes another one!
1128
01:06:37,243 --> 01:06:38,825
Oh, God, they're
happening so quickly.
1129
01:06:39,120 --> 01:06:41,077
Well, you have to be
ready for them.
1130
01:06:41,372 --> 01:06:43,392
Sometimes they go by when you're just
talking, or clearing your throat.
1131
01:06:43,416 --> 01:06:45,578
You are so
experienced, Larry.
1132
01:06:45,877 --> 01:06:49,291
I never realized a lonely
guy could be so experienced.
1133
01:06:49,589 --> 01:06:53,299
Well, this isn't the first time that...
There goes another one!
1134
01:06:53,593 --> 01:06:57,928
I think I felt that one.
It felt like a tiny little hiccup.
1135
01:06:58,223 --> 01:07:00,806
Uh, I think that
was a hiccup.
1136
01:07:01,100 --> 01:07:03,057
Maybe they're coming
from your side of the bed.
1137
01:07:03,353 --> 01:07:05,473
Let's change sides,
'cause I don't wanna miss any more.
1138
01:07:05,688 --> 01:07:07,429
Yeah, yeah.
Maybe.
1139
01:07:07,732 --> 01:07:08,893
Whoa!
1140
01:07:09,651 --> 01:07:10,651
What?
1141
01:07:10,902 --> 01:07:12,109
Oh, nothing.
1142
01:07:12,403 --> 01:07:13,564
I missed another one?
1143
01:07:13,863 --> 01:07:15,775
Just the biggest one
so far, that's all.
1144
01:07:16,074 --> 01:07:17,940
Oh, God!
Excuse me.
1145
01:07:18,243 --> 01:07:19,859
Oh!
1146
01:07:20,161 --> 01:07:22,323
Oh! Oh, Larry.
1147
01:07:22,622 --> 01:07:24,454
I think I felt one.
You did?
1148
01:07:24,749 --> 01:07:26,957
Uh-huh. Right when
you sneezed.
1149
01:07:27,252 --> 01:07:28,959
Oh. And gesundheit.
Thank...
1150
01:07:29,254 --> 01:07:31,621
Oh! Oh!
1151
01:07:31,923 --> 01:07:34,006
Oh, I felt it again. Twice.
You did?
1152
01:07:34,300 --> 01:07:36,508
Yes. It was wonderful.
1153
01:07:36,803 --> 01:07:38,385
Oh, gesundheit. Gesundheit.
1154
01:07:39,764 --> 01:07:41,096
Do you think you could
1155
01:07:41,975 --> 01:07:43,216
sneeze again?
1156
01:07:43,518 --> 01:07:46,886
I don't know.
I'll try. Aaah-choo!
1157
01:07:47,188 --> 01:07:49,145
Oh! Oh, yes.
1158
01:07:49,440 --> 01:07:50,897
Yes. Gesundheit.
1159
01:07:52,402 --> 01:07:55,270
Aaah-choo!
Aaah-choo!
1160
01:07:55,572 --> 01:07:58,986
Oh, I never dreamed it could be like this.
Oh, gesundheit.
1161
01:08:04,831 --> 01:08:05,831
Aaah-choo!
1162
01:08:07,292 --> 01:08:08,624
Oh, you're magnificent.
1163
01:08:08,918 --> 01:08:10,159
Oh, gesundheit.
1164
01:08:10,461 --> 01:08:11,689
Aaah-choo, aaah-choo,
aaah-choo, aaah-choo!
1165
01:08:11,713 --> 01:08:13,705
No, Larry, no more.
I mean it.
1166
01:08:14,007 --> 01:08:17,091
Stop, or I'll go mad
with pleasure.
1167
01:08:17,385 --> 01:08:19,843
Oh, thank you,
thank you.
1168
01:08:20,138 --> 01:08:22,596
Oh, Iris,
I love you.
1169
01:08:22,890 --> 01:08:24,631
I love you too, Larry.
1170
01:08:36,446 --> 01:08:38,233
Why are you crying?
1171
01:08:38,531 --> 01:08:41,740
Because it's so hopeless.
1172
01:08:43,536 --> 01:08:45,903
But everything
was so good.
1173
01:08:46,205 --> 01:08:49,994
Exactly. See,
I was afraid of getting involved with you
1174
01:08:50,293 --> 01:08:52,956
because I couldn't face the
possibility of losing you.
1175
01:08:53,254 --> 01:08:55,746
So, how do you think I feel
now that I found out
1176
01:08:56,049 --> 01:08:58,792
you're not only
a great guy, but that
1177
01:08:59,093 --> 01:09:01,551
you're the best goddamn
lover in the world?
1178
01:09:02,472 --> 01:09:03,508
I'm going.
1179
01:09:03,806 --> 01:09:05,968
Iris, look.
You're just upset.
1180
01:09:06,267 --> 01:09:08,347
Let me take you home.
You'll get a good night's sleep,
1181
01:09:08,436 --> 01:09:09,913
and we'll talk about it
in the morning, okay?
1182
01:09:09,937 --> 01:09:11,644
No, Larry,
I'll get a cab.
1183
01:09:11,939 --> 01:09:14,397
And there's no point in
calling me in the morning.
1184
01:09:14,692 --> 01:09:15,853
I won't be there.
1185
01:09:35,713 --> 01:09:39,457
Well, that did it.
I knew I had to get out of town for a while.
1186
01:09:39,759 --> 01:09:42,251
So, I booked myself
on one of those cruises.
1187
01:09:42,553 --> 01:09:46,172
I figured it might give me a chance
to get away from everyone I knew.
1188
01:09:46,474 --> 01:09:48,887
Of course, in the first three hours,
I met my accountant,
1189
01:09:49,185 --> 01:09:52,804
my plumber, my postman,
even Jack was there.
1190
01:09:53,106 --> 01:09:55,223
He'd just broken up
with Verna and Frieda,
1191
01:09:55,525 --> 01:09:59,269
and I guess he was looking for more
girls to add to his collection.
1192
01:09:59,570 --> 01:10:04,110
He waved me over, but I just wasn't
interested in meeting other women.
1193
01:10:04,409 --> 01:10:06,742
I just couldn't get
my mind off Iris.
1194
01:10:09,622 --> 01:10:13,741
Excuse me, sir.
Are you Mr. Larry Hubbard?
1195
01:10:14,043 --> 01:10:15,124
Yes, I am.
1196
01:10:18,881 --> 01:10:22,966
Uh, this dog, it came aboard just before
we sailed. Your name was on his collar.
1197
01:10:23,261 --> 01:10:26,880
Hey, good boy!
What a good dog!
1198
01:10:27,181 --> 01:10:29,218
And this note
is for you, sir.
1199
01:10:30,893 --> 01:10:32,259
It's from a young lady.
1200
01:10:33,187 --> 01:10:34,428
Thank you.
1201
01:10:36,816 --> 01:10:39,684
Dear Larry, just heard
we're on the same ship.
1202
01:10:39,986 --> 01:10:42,103
I'll be at the Masquerade Ball
tomorrow night.
1203
01:10:42,405 --> 01:10:44,613
I hope we'll run
into each other.
1204
01:10:44,907 --> 01:10:47,320
I think we should talk.
Iris.
1205
01:10:48,369 --> 01:10:49,951
Iris.
1206
01:10:50,246 --> 01:10:51,362
She's here.
1207
01:10:53,332 --> 01:10:54,332
Yahoo!
1208
01:10:58,838 --> 01:11:00,500
Oh, sorry, fella!
1209
01:12:04,862 --> 01:12:05,862
Hello, Iris.
1210
01:12:06,113 --> 01:12:07,113
Hello, Larry.
1211
01:12:08,991 --> 01:12:10,152
Terrific costume.
1212
01:12:12,328 --> 01:12:15,912
Larry, I want to apologize
for the way I behaved.
1213
01:12:16,207 --> 01:12:17,948
I was wrong.
1214
01:12:18,251 --> 01:12:21,665
You don't have to apologize
as long as we're together.
1215
01:12:21,963 --> 01:12:26,458
Oh, no, Larry.
I was wrong to let it go as far as it did.
1216
01:12:26,759 --> 01:12:29,467
I knew from the beginning
it would never work.
1217
01:12:29,762 --> 01:12:31,469
I love you too much.
1218
01:12:34,058 --> 01:12:38,519
Iris, do you think you're the only
one who's afraid of falling in love?
1219
01:12:38,813 --> 01:12:40,999
Do you think you're the only
one who's afraid of being hurt?
1220
01:12:41,023 --> 01:12:42,389
Do you think I'm not?
1221
01:12:42,692 --> 01:12:45,275
I'm terrified.
But you've got to be willing
1222
01:12:45,570 --> 01:12:48,734
to feel a little pain,
or you'll never feel any joy.
1223
01:12:49,031 --> 01:12:51,239
Hi, Larry.
Hi, Jack.
1224
01:12:51,534 --> 01:12:53,387
I mean, you kept coming back to me, for the
joy, not because you were feeling pain.
1225
01:12:53,411 --> 01:12:55,949
Hey, hey, aren't you gonna introduce me?
Jack, Iris.
1226
01:12:56,247 --> 01:12:58,327
Hi. I'm not saying I'll be
the only guy for you, ever.
1227
01:12:58,457 --> 01:13:00,602
You might meet somebody in five
years that you like better.
1228
01:13:00,626 --> 01:13:02,466
Kind of looks like we were
meant for each other.
1229
01:13:08,092 --> 01:13:09,549
Oh, my.
1230
01:13:09,844 --> 01:13:12,131
Hey, hey,
don't the girls look terrific tonight, Jack?
1231
01:13:12,430 --> 01:13:15,673
The seven deadly sins! Whoa!
What a clever idea!
1232
01:13:15,975 --> 01:13:16,975
Girls? What girls?
1233
01:13:17,268 --> 01:13:18,804
The girls!
Your girls, Jack.
1234
01:13:19,103 --> 01:13:21,595
Inga, Helga, Olga,
Minga, Fritzy...
1235
01:13:21,898 --> 01:13:23,810
I guess my eyesight
is failing,
1236
01:13:24,108 --> 01:13:27,272
'cause as far as I can see,
there's only one woman in this whole room.
1237
01:13:31,282 --> 01:13:32,443
Shall we?
1238
01:13:45,254 --> 01:13:48,747
♪ I'm in the mood for love
1239
01:13:50,801 --> 01:13:54,715
♪ Simply because
you're near me
1240
01:13:57,016 --> 01:14:00,600
♪ Funny but when
you're near me
1241
01:14:02,688 --> 01:14:05,772
♪ I'm in the mood
for love ♪
1242
01:14:22,208 --> 01:14:23,744
How you doing, guy?
1243
01:14:24,835 --> 01:14:25,835
Thirsty?
1244
01:14:27,463 --> 01:14:28,749
There you go.
1245
01:14:29,048 --> 01:14:32,166
The guy's 46.
Dropped dead.
1246
01:14:32,468 --> 01:14:35,427
Heart attack?
Natural causes.
1247
01:14:35,721 --> 01:14:37,383
You know, I think I'm
getting that.
1248
01:14:37,682 --> 01:14:39,799
Here you go. That's a good guy.
That's a good guy.
1249
01:14:40,101 --> 01:14:41,308
What did you
have for lunch?
1250
01:14:41,602 --> 01:14:42,602
Tuna.
1251
01:14:42,728 --> 01:14:43,728
Toast?
Yeah.
1252
01:14:43,813 --> 01:14:44,813
White?
Rye.
1253
01:14:44,939 --> 01:14:45,975
Good?
Yeah.
1254
01:14:46,273 --> 01:14:47,639
Sounds good.
Yeah, it was.
1255
01:14:47,942 --> 01:14:48,978
There you go.
1256
01:14:49,276 --> 01:14:51,984
Here's a guy, 33.
Brick fell on his head.
1257
01:14:52,279 --> 01:14:55,272
Hey, I want you to see
this new cassette I got.
1258
01:14:57,368 --> 01:14:58,779
I can't stay
much longer.
1259
01:14:59,078 --> 01:15:00,078
Just watch this.
1260
01:15:00,329 --> 01:15:02,412
Oh, nice. Very nice.
1261
01:15:07,169 --> 01:15:08,785
We don't have to watch
the whole thing.
1262
01:15:09,088 --> 01:15:10,088
Does something happen?
1263
01:15:10,256 --> 01:15:11,542
No.
1264
01:15:14,927 --> 01:15:18,011
Whoa!
Jack is marrying Iris!
1265
01:15:18,305 --> 01:15:20,672
Yeah, I know.
1266
01:15:20,975 --> 01:15:23,592
Hard to imagine any woman
falling in love with Jack.
1267
01:15:23,894 --> 01:15:25,430
She doesn't love Jack,
she loves me.
1268
01:15:25,730 --> 01:15:27,471
That's why
she's marrying him.
1269
01:15:28,524 --> 01:15:29,685
Uh-huh.
1270
01:15:31,068 --> 01:15:33,276
Well, whatever.
1271
01:15:37,366 --> 01:15:40,575
I better get going.
I'm defrosting my refrigerator.
1272
01:15:40,870 --> 01:15:43,658
That water's gonna get
all over the floor.
1273
01:15:43,956 --> 01:15:45,596
I'll watch that fish
staring another time.
1274
01:15:45,833 --> 01:15:47,165
Okay.
1275
01:15:47,460 --> 01:15:49,062
Give you a call later,
maybe we'll do something.
1276
01:15:49,086 --> 01:15:51,248
I'm kind of tired.
I think I'll stay in tonight.
1277
01:15:51,547 --> 01:15:53,129
Yeah, me, too.
1278
01:15:53,424 --> 01:15:55,290
Yeah.
Well, take care.
1279
01:15:55,593 --> 01:15:57,459
Okay. I'll see you.
Yeah.
1280
01:15:57,762 --> 01:15:58,762
So long.
So long.
1281
01:16:19,992 --> 01:16:24,657
Back. Side. And front.
And other side. And three.
1282
01:16:26,999 --> 01:16:28,740
...nautical science.
1283
01:16:29,043 --> 01:16:30,705
Makes a balloon go up.
1284
01:16:37,093 --> 01:16:38,925
Right this way, officer.
1285
01:16:44,308 --> 01:16:46,800
When did you find him?
This morning.
1286
01:16:47,103 --> 01:16:48,344
Wife?
No.
1287
01:16:48,646 --> 01:16:49,646
Kids?
1288
01:16:49,814 --> 01:16:50,850
No.
1289
01:16:51,148 --> 01:16:52,889
Close friends?
No.
1290
01:16:53,192 --> 01:16:54,586
No friends,
no wife, no children.
1291
01:16:54,610 --> 01:16:56,130
Just ferns, dog,
cardboard cutouts, TV.
1292
01:16:56,403 --> 01:16:58,090
Well-behaved, quiet,
no parties, perfect tenant.
1293
01:16:58,114 --> 01:16:59,874
Been dead for five days,
nobody even noticed.
1294
01:17:00,366 --> 01:17:02,358
I'll take care of it.
1295
01:17:02,660 --> 01:17:05,198
Wish I had more
tenants like him.
1296
01:17:11,252 --> 01:17:12,914
Oh, heavy.
1297
01:17:13,212 --> 01:17:15,499
I don't believe what people
are throwing away today.
1298
01:17:15,798 --> 01:17:16,798
I hear ya.
1299
01:17:40,823 --> 01:17:41,939
No!
1300
01:17:45,369 --> 01:17:46,369
No!
1301
01:17:47,454 --> 01:17:48,535
No!
1302
01:17:48,831 --> 01:17:50,072
No!
1303
01:18:01,135 --> 01:18:03,627
First Lutheran Church in Queens.
As soon as possible.
1304
01:18:03,929 --> 01:18:05,045
All right.
1305
01:18:11,645 --> 01:18:13,056
What's the matter?
1306
01:18:13,355 --> 01:18:15,235
Hey, first time ever.
A traffic jam in New York.
1307
01:18:21,280 --> 01:18:22,280
God!
1308
01:18:28,704 --> 01:18:29,865
Thanks.
1309
01:18:36,962 --> 01:18:38,498
Oh, hey,
watch out!
1310
01:18:49,183 --> 01:18:50,924
Hey! What's
he doing?
1311
01:19:23,884 --> 01:19:25,341
How long is it
between trains?
1312
01:19:25,636 --> 01:19:26,636
About 15 minutes.
1313
01:19:26,929 --> 01:19:28,170
Oh! That's too long!
1314
01:19:28,472 --> 01:19:29,508
Write a letter.
1315
01:19:45,364 --> 01:19:46,964
Hey, get the hell
out of the way!
1316
01:19:50,035 --> 01:19:51,617
All right. Pull over, mac!
Pull over.
1317
01:19:55,582 --> 01:19:56,851
Hey, you ran a traffic light back there,
mister. Now pull over!
1318
01:19:56,875 --> 01:19:58,867
Look, I got...
Pull over!
1319
01:19:59,169 --> 01:20:01,523
Look, Officer, if I don't get to 31st
Street in four and a half minutes,
1320
01:20:01,547 --> 01:20:03,707
the only girl I ever loved is
gonna marry somebody else.
1321
01:20:03,757 --> 01:20:07,046
I was in love once.
But you're gonna need an escort. Follow me!
1322
01:20:20,733 --> 01:20:22,315
Come on, mac.
Come on!
1323
01:20:27,740 --> 01:20:29,823
Stay close, now.
Everything is gonna be all right.
1324
01:20:30,117 --> 01:20:31,117
Stay close.
1325
01:20:33,370 --> 01:20:36,954
All right.
It's gonna be right over here.
1326
01:20:37,249 --> 01:20:38,249
Right there!
Right there!
1327
01:20:38,459 --> 01:20:39,579
Thank you, Officer.
1328
01:20:39,626 --> 01:20:40,626
Good luck.
1329
01:20:46,425 --> 01:20:48,963
...to be your
lawfully wedded husband,
1330
01:20:49,261 --> 01:20:51,628
to love, honor
and cherish
1331
01:20:51,930 --> 01:20:53,091
in sickness
and in health,
1332
01:20:53,390 --> 01:20:54,801
as long as
you both shall live?
1333
01:20:55,100 --> 01:20:56,557
No, wait, don't do this!
1334
01:20:56,852 --> 01:20:58,844
I know you think this is
the easy way out,
1335
01:20:59,146 --> 01:21:01,388
the safe thing to do.
1336
01:21:01,690 --> 01:21:03,602
But didn't you just hear
those words?
1337
01:21:03,901 --> 01:21:06,314
To love, honor and cherish.
1338
01:21:06,612 --> 01:21:10,982
You don't love this man!
You don't honor him! You don't cherish him!
1339
01:21:11,283 --> 01:21:14,492
You know in your heart,
you know you were meant for something better.
1340
01:21:14,787 --> 01:21:18,201
Listen to your heart.
This man is not for you.
1341
01:21:18,499 --> 01:21:20,456
Don't go through with this!
1342
01:21:23,587 --> 01:21:24,587
He's right!
1343
01:21:24,838 --> 01:21:25,874
What? Allison...
1344
01:21:26,173 --> 01:21:27,505
Who is that guy?
1345
01:21:27,800 --> 01:21:29,444
Is this the First Lutheran?
No, Third Methodist.
1346
01:21:29,468 --> 01:21:30,468
God!
1347
01:21:47,861 --> 01:21:48,861
God!
1348
01:22:28,402 --> 01:22:30,439
Isn't it romantic?
1349
01:22:30,737 --> 01:22:33,104
Having our honeymoon on the
same ship where we met?
1350
01:22:34,491 --> 01:22:35,823
What?
1351
01:22:36,118 --> 01:22:37,118
I said,
1352
01:22:37,327 --> 01:22:39,319
♪ Isn't it romantic
1353
01:22:39,621 --> 01:22:40,828
♪ Merely to be young
1354
01:22:41,123 --> 01:22:42,659
♪ On such a night as this
1355
01:22:43,876 --> 01:22:46,209
♪ Isn't it romantic
1356
01:22:46,503 --> 01:22:51,373
♪ Every note that's sung
is like a lover's kiss ♪
1357
01:22:51,675 --> 01:22:55,043
I'm going to wash,
my dear.
1358
01:22:55,345 --> 01:22:58,554
And I'm going to slip into
something more comfortable.
1359
01:22:58,849 --> 01:23:01,182
Why don't you slip into
something more comfortable, too?
1360
01:23:02,269 --> 01:23:03,510
Like the sheets.
1361
01:23:11,487 --> 01:23:12,603
Oh, geez.
1362
01:23:14,031 --> 01:23:16,774
Could you sneeze again?
1363
01:23:24,208 --> 01:23:28,077
Uh, what's your name? Where do you live?
Could I call you sometime?
1364
01:23:33,008 --> 01:23:35,170
I want you to know,
1365
01:23:35,469 --> 01:23:38,469
that whatever feelings of pain you might
have, I want to share them with you.
1366
01:23:44,186 --> 01:23:46,386
You think you're the only one
who's afraid of being hurt?
1367
01:23:46,605 --> 01:23:47,686
You think I'm not?
1368
01:23:47,981 --> 01:23:50,018
I'm terrified.
1369
01:23:50,317 --> 01:23:52,277
But you've gotta be willing
to feel a little pain,
1370
01:23:52,444 --> 01:23:54,276
or you'll never
feel any joy.
1371
01:24:32,192 --> 01:24:33,192
Larry.
1372
01:24:36,071 --> 01:24:37,107
Hi, Warren.
1373
01:24:38,740 --> 01:24:40,231
Aw, Larry.
1374
01:24:43,829 --> 01:24:45,661
Help!
1375
01:24:48,542 --> 01:24:50,249
It changes, Larry.
1376
01:24:50,544 --> 01:24:52,772
It's not always gonna be like this.
It really does change.
1377
01:24:52,796 --> 01:24:55,664
It may not feel like it,
but things change.
1378
01:24:55,966 --> 01:24:59,425
Sure. What about you,
Warren?
1379
01:24:59,720 --> 01:25:02,007
Has it changed for you?
Yes.
1380
01:25:02,306 --> 01:25:03,422
It has?
Yes.
1381
01:25:04,433 --> 01:25:05,433
How?
1382
01:25:07,436 --> 01:25:08,677
I've met someone.
1383
01:25:08,979 --> 01:25:10,470
You have?
1384
01:25:10,772 --> 01:25:11,979
We're very happy.
1385
01:25:12,274 --> 01:25:14,391
Aw, that's really great,
Warren.
1386
01:25:18,405 --> 01:25:22,240
Oh, God, why can't I
be happy like Warren?
1387
01:25:23,744 --> 01:25:27,658
Oh, Iris.
We were so close!
1388
01:25:27,956 --> 01:25:30,619
I could have made
you happy, I know it.
1389
01:25:30,917 --> 01:25:33,284
If only fate could have
played a helping hand.
1390
01:25:35,797 --> 01:25:38,540
Iris!
Larry, what luck!
1391
01:25:39,635 --> 01:25:41,171
Why were you jumping?
1392
01:25:41,470 --> 01:25:43,883
I was unhappy from the moment I said,
"I do."
1393
01:25:44,181 --> 01:25:46,138
Oh, Larry, I love you.
1394
01:25:46,433 --> 01:25:49,301
I finally realized
I can't live without you.
1395
01:25:49,603 --> 01:25:51,560
Oh, Iris,
I love you so much.
1396
01:25:55,609 --> 01:25:57,851
Oh, my God.
That was a blast.
1397
01:25:59,863 --> 01:26:01,729
Oh. Hi, Warren.
Hi.
1398
01:26:05,661 --> 01:26:07,421
It's really
a great night, isn't it?
1399
01:26:07,537 --> 01:26:09,182
I just wanna
go home and be sneezed at.
1400
01:26:09,206 --> 01:26:10,206
Hey, Iris...
1401
01:26:10,415 --> 01:26:11,495
Warren said
he met somebody.
1402
01:26:11,667 --> 01:26:13,784
Really, that's great,
Warren.
1403
01:26:14,086 --> 01:26:15,086
Who is she?
1404
01:26:15,379 --> 01:26:16,665
Well, I told her
to meet me here.
1405
01:26:16,963 --> 01:26:18,670
Warren!
1406
01:26:18,965 --> 01:26:21,457
Oh, here she is now.
Over here, honey.
1407
01:26:25,931 --> 01:26:27,047
Hi, Warren.
1408
01:26:27,349 --> 01:26:28,556
Hi, honey.
1409
01:26:28,850 --> 01:26:30,762
You see, sometimes,
when two people meet,
1410
01:26:31,061 --> 01:26:32,472
it's really
the human will,
1411
01:26:32,771 --> 01:26:35,889
quietly, subconsciously
engineering its own destiny.
1412
01:26:37,859 --> 01:26:39,145
She's great,
isn't she?
1413
01:26:40,362 --> 01:26:42,274
Hey, look at
the four of us.
1414
01:26:42,572 --> 01:26:44,384
You know, I just can't think of
a more perfect ending than this.
1415
01:26:44,408 --> 01:26:45,408
I can't either.
1416
01:26:48,370 --> 01:26:51,204
Hey, look at this guy!
Come here!
1417
01:26:51,498 --> 01:26:52,498
Look at him.
1418
01:26:56,795 --> 01:26:58,457
Come on. Come on.
There we go!
105447
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