Original subtitles

Good morning, Dottie.

Good morning, Sue Anne.

All right, thank you. Not a problem.

Doctor.

Can you tell us precisely what your fight

with McWatt on the tarmac was about?

Happiness.

Happiness? Your fight was about happiness?

That was one of the themes, yes.

That's where it ended up, anyway.

Would you say that McWatt was disturbed?

Yes.

And would you say he was mentally unwell?

Sure, yeah. Yeah, why not?

Would you call him insane?

Aren't we all?

And would you say McWatt's insanity led to the death

of Kid Sampson?

Yes.

And would you agree the United States

military is in no way responsible

for McWatt's insanity that led to the death of Kid Sampson?

I would say the United States military is entirely

responsible for McWatt's insanity that led to the death

of Kid Sampson.

Answer the question.

I just did.

Can you positively identify these

to be the bodies of Lieutenants Sampson and McWatt?

Positively?

Simply yes or no will suffice.

Well, I can't really give you a simple yes or no.

I'm...

20% positive that's Kid Sampson, and I'm...

I don't know...

10% on McWatt.

I'll take that as a yes.

- Thank you, bye. - Oh.

Hi, hi. Uh, can I talk to you?

Hi, sure.

So, I think maybe you and I are the only two sane people

on this base.

Sane person? Here? Okay.

I can't take this anymore.

And I think I've figured out a way to get out of here,

and I just wanna see how it registers

on a sane person's face.

Wow, I'm... I'm almost flattered.

So, as it stands, I still have 11 missions

left to fly.

Cathcart'll raise the missions, clearly.

It's a behavioral pattern.

But I'm gonna do those 11 so fast in secret,

he won't even know.

And I won't log them on the day.

I'll log them all at once after I've flown them,

and then I'm gone before he even knows what happened.

So, just to get this straight, your... your plan to get out

of here is to fly all of the missions

you're required to fly anyway?

Yeah, that's my plan.

Just, really fast.

Heya, fella. Hey.

What say I fly this one for you?

Why? I don't know.

I'm just itching to get up there.

All right. I'm gonna go swimming, then.

Appreciate it. Take that for me, will ya?

All right.

And...

Bombs away. All right, that's it.

We're done. Pull up.

Pull up harder, please.

Hey, uh, what's your name, again?

Munster. Bobby Munster.

Nice job, Bobby Munster.

Bombs away.

Hey, there he is, the king of the clouds.

Hey, fellas.

New Kid Sampson, New McWatt.

John Yossarian.

John Yossarian.

Come on, you fuck.

Release. Okay, take us out!

Heya, boys. Let's do it.

Release.

Yes, that's it! That's it for me!

I'm going home, fellas!

You hear that?

I'm going home.

What's your name, again? Joseph, sir.

I'm going home, Joseph. I won.

I won!

I hear someone's going home. Oh, you hear right.

Go get 'em, Yo-Yo.

I will.

Hi.

Haven't seen you in a while.

Yeah. Been in the hospital again?

I have not. I have not, no.

I have been flying.

For your signing.

You're giving me these all at once?

All at once. There's 11 missions there.

Count 'em.

Interesting way of doing it.

11 in a row.

I figure I'd save you a whole lot of work if, you know,

I gave them to you all at once.

How thoughtful.

A good day to you, Colonel.

This makes 50 missions, sir.

Wait, you've flown...

11 missions.

11 missions?

That's right, sir. In six days.

That's not even possible.

That's 11 missions, sir.

They're... They're all stamped, sir.

Who gave you permission?

I've just been making myself available, sir.

There's always somebody with the stomach bug

or a headache or a hangover.

And I'm just doing what I can to help.

Just doing my bit.

This is highly irregular.

Yes, sir.

And when can I expect to receive

my discharge papers, sir?

Well, as soon as I've stamped your paperwork.

Yes, sir.

Should I wait here?

There's a process that proceeds

the actual stamping of the stamp.

Yes, sir.

We'll notify you once that process is complete.

Thank you, sir. Is that sufficient?

Thank you very much, sir.

You're welcome.

Uh-huh.

Yeah!

Hey, Yo-Yo!

What are you doing?

Oh, we went down.

I was on a training run with these fellas.

Fellas, this is Yossarian. Jump on, Yo-Yo.

We were... we were looping out past Sardinia

in the new B-25.

It's got a new Holley carburetor which cruises lean

but the bypass valve is diaphragm-operated,

which I did not know.

The old ones have a baffle in the air-mixing chamber

and that's the one I'm used to, obviously.

But now there's this self-sealing CCU

strapped on to the bomb bay, and the fuel gets transferred

by an electric centrifuge pump.

And if you did not know that...

You're not gonna prime it. So...

Perfect belly landing.

And I learned something new for next time.

Well, I didn't know you'd gone.

But welcome back.

Knock, knock. How you doing, Yo-Yo?

Stupendous.

Heard you went down yesterday.

Sure did. Good for you.

I need to call in my favor.

What is it?

I'm gonna go buy some things.

I need you to come with me.

- Where? - Everywhere.

- When? - Gotta leave in an hour.

I can't. I'm going home.

You're going home?

I'm just waiting on a stamp.

But, why do you need me?

Come on, it'll be fun.

It'll be like a vacation.

You won't have to lift anything heavy.

I promise.

Can I come?

Yeah, she handles nice, right?

I'm impressed.

It's outstanding craftsmanship.

That's the Germans for you, though.

Every little detail. Hey, look at this stitching.

Here, huh? This is high-quality leather.

You see this, Yossarian?

Very high quality.

Hello, this is Milo Minderbinder.

Ah, Luca. How are you, my friend?

Wait, slow down, Luca. Slow down.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Well, that was the agreement we had, 500 goats.

Tell him to hold his horses. I'm actually...

I'm in the neighborhood. I'll drop in.

No, just tell him not to slaughter.

No slaughter. Don't kill the goats.

Mr. Milo.

It's so wonderful to have you back.

Alessandro, I want you to meet two very,

very good friends of mine. This is John Yossarian.

Hiya. Hi.

And Ivor Orr.

My friends. My friends.

Alessandro, we had an agreement.

Yes, yes.

But you said some goats.

You didn't say 500 goats.

500 goats is good, no?

You can milk them.

No, no, Mr. Milo. We cannot feed them.

Don't they just eat grass?

Let them eat the grass.

Oh, you don't understand goats.

The grass is already gone.

And now they eat everything.

They eat things that are not even food.

Let me assure you, we are so thankful

for everything you have done for us.

And this town has most surely been blessed

by your generosity.

You're very welcome.

But 500 goats, it's just too many goats.

It's amazing the demand you can create

just by moving things around.

That's what I do with the eggs.

Now... Now, I don't understand what you do with the eggs.

You buy them for seven cents apiece in Malta

then you sell them for five cents?

I do it to make a profit.

Well, why do people come to Malta for eggs

when they're so expensive, there?

Because they've always done it that way.

Why don't they go look for eggs in Sicily?

Because they've never done it that way.

Now I really don't understand.

Why... Why don't you sell your mess hall's eggs

for seven cents apiece instead of five cents apiece?

Because my mess halls would have no need for me then.

Anyone can buy seven cents apiece eggs

for seven cents apiece.

And at least this way I can make a bid for myself

as a middle man.

What? So you do make a profit.

Ah, the syndicate benefits when I benefit

because everybody has a share.

You'll see when we get to Palermo.

I thought you said we were going to Malta.

Ah, Palermo first.

You hear that, Orr?

Come on, fellas. Let's go, guys.

What's sindacho?

Sindacho. It means mayor.

I'm the mayor of Palermo.

How?

'Cause I brought Scotch to Italy.

Well, since when do the Italians drink Scotch?

They don't. Scotch is very expensive.

These people are very poor.

Well, why are you importing it if nobody drinks it?

To inflate the price.

Sicily's now the third largest exporter

of Scotch in the world.

That's why they elected me mayor.

That's why they elected him mayor.

Good for you, Milo.

Grazie.

Ah, Giuseppe.

Telefono.

M&M Enterprises. This is Milo Minderbinder.

Uh-huh, Fernando.

Okay. Okay.

Yeah, we should.

We should absolutely do that.

Okay, all right. Give me, uh, four hours.

Yeah, send my love to Marge and the kids, okay?

Artichokes. Insane prices.

I have to act fast.

I'll be back. Don't wait up for me.

About fucking time.

Hi, fellas! I'm so sorry!

I had to meet the artichoke king.

He's in Gibraltar. It's quite the hike.

Milo, we slept on goddamn deck chairs.

I can organize a massage in Malta.

Milo, what am I doing here?

We got to chop-chop now, boys!

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you.

Um, and, uh, we, um, welcome tonight

a very special guest. A very special friend.

And the first American in over 120 years

to ever hold the title of Assistant Governor General

of Malta.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you.

Major Sir Milo Minderbinder.

Hear, hear!

Thank you, Governor General.

And ladies and gentlemen, it is an absolute honor

to be here tonight.

These are a gift for the Caliph of Oran.

What is Oran?

It's a city in Algeria.

It was founded by the Moors in the 10th century.

Why are you giving the Caliph of Oran

a plane full of parrots?

Because it's customary for the Pasha of Oran

to give gifts to the Caliph.

And you're the Pasha of Oran?

Oh, it's an honorary title.

You know how these things go.

It doesn't actually mean anything.

Ah, they're beautiful, aren't they?

What are you doing with them?

Well, Oran is where I call in my favor.

Oran means one thing to me.

And that thing is dates.

Well, two things.

I'm thinking of taking out some oil leases, too.

But today it's all about dates.

What dates? Date dates.

The dates you eat. They're a palm fruit.

Algerian dates are the best in the world,

and this guy that we're going to see... the Caliph...

he has a lot of them. And I mean a lot of them.

Okay.

Now, the thing with this guy is he's nervous.

Maybe it's an Arab thing.

Maybe he just wants a little show of respect.

The Arabs are an ancient people.

Ancient families doing business with other ancient families.

Things move slow.

I think the speed of American enterprise

gives him the willies.

And I'm guessing he just wants to know that he's getting

into business with some serious people.

So I told him I was bringing my friend with me today.

My friend being a wealthy American industrialist.

That wealthy American industrialist being you.

Most high Caliph,

it is so wonderful to see you again.

And you, too, good Milo.

You are always welcome in my house.

You have journeyed well.

You look radiant.

I feel radiant, Your Majesty.

Perhaps it is the fragrant air of your magical country.

Perhaps it is, good Milo.

Perhaps you should find a way of bottling it

to take home with you to America.

Indeed we should.

It would make my people very happy.

Your Highness, if you will,

allow me to introduce you to a dear, dear friend.

Your Greatness, it's my pleasure to introduce

to you a fantastically wealthy American industrialist

from an ancient American family.

Mr. Nelson D. Rockefeller.

Mr. Rockefeller, it is such a great honor.

I have heard so much about you.

And I you, great man.

Ah...

I is wonderful that you are here today.

Come.

Thank you, your greatness.

This war is a terrible nuisance, is it not?

Oh, terrible. Terrible nuisance.

- It's terrible. - Terrible.

Mr. Rockefeller,

your negotiations in the Mesopotamian Oil Agreement

of 1938, I was most impressed.

You're very tough.

Yes, I am, Your Highness.

But fair.

The Sultan of Assur is a difficult man.

Your powers of persuasion must be formidable.

He was a tricky customer, but we got there eventually.

I think you'll find the Caliph to be

not nearly so difficult.

But I am a skilled negotiator.

I must warn you.

As am I, Your Grace. As am I.

Well, then, and what do you think

the prospects of exploration in my country might be?

Good. Mm-hmm.

I think they'd be very good.

The Saharan Desert presents its problems.

Oh, Sahara. God forbid, so hot.

My concern would be not so much the heat

as the possibility of igneous layers

over the shale deposits.

They're a problem, those igneous layers.

And how would you approach that?

Technology.

And what technology?

The latest technology.

And what, pray tell, is the latest technology?

I don't know, Your Honor. I'm a businessman.

I'm not an engineer.

You're an oil man, aren't you?

Surely you know how your oil is extracted.

I don't... I don't really...

Our most recent experiences with the igneous rock

were more than adequately handled with the new

diaphragm-operated bypass valve drill bit.

The regular drill bits have a baffle

in the air-mixing chamber.

But the new ones have a self-sealing CCU

strapped onto the electric centrifuge pump.

My geologist. Kid's a genius.

I'm happy for you. You flew your missions.

You did your part.

When do you get to go home?

I'm not really gonna get to go home

until this thing's done and dusted.

I mean, I'm not gonna go home the normal way.

The normal way?

Well, I'm never gonna catch up to my mission quota.

Not at this rate.

You have a mission quota?

Yeah, we all do, don't we?

Where's it at now?

50.

How many have you flown?

Six, five. Five or six.

Wow.

When this is all over,

we should go into business together.

Well, back home?

Oh, yeah, sure. Back home, everywhere.

And do what?

Buy things, sell things.

What, sell amphibious vehicles

to the fishermen of Minnesota?

Sell everything to everyone.

Colonel Korn, sir.

What can I do for you?

I was just checking in, sir,

about my, uh... my discharge papers.

Ah, yes. It was, uh...

It was almost the next thing I was getting to.

Oh, that's great, sir. This was...

Remind me, you were... you were at 50 missions, huh?

Correct, sir.

Oh.

Oh, that could be a problem. Hmm.

Why would that be a problem, sir?

Well, the missions were raised last night.

Didn't you hear?

No, uh, sir.

I was in Algeria, sir.

But... But this was already... these were already put...

Yeah, but the paperwork hasn't been processed yet,

as apparently is the case in this instance.

My apologies.

And technically speaking, you haven't been discharged.

And if you haven't been discharged,

then technically speaking, you're still on active duty.

And if you're still on active duty,

then technically speaking, you still have to fly

the number of missions required of you

before you can be discharged.

And as of yesterday, that number is 55, my friend.

But I did everything right.

It's been such a busy week.

That really is terrible timing.

And, you know what? I sympathize.

I do. But you know what?

Think about it this way, right?

Only five more to go.

Right? Yeah.

What is it you're pretending is wrong this time?

I don't know. Uh, nothing.

Well, did you manage to secretly fly

all those missions?

Yeah, actually, I did.

And then they raised them again.

Well, you knew they would.

You expend a lot of energy, don't you?

Apparently so.

Seems to me that you expend a lot of energy

railing against things that you can't control.

And who says I can't control 'em?

This is war.

It's a law of nature that war concentrates power in the hands

of those most likely to abuse it.

Can't overcome that power while the war's still on.

You just got to hope for it to end.

Oh, it's gonna end.

I just still wanna be alive when it does.

Or, maybe rather than simply hoping for it to end,

you could just fly your missions.

Do whatever you can to end it yourself.

Maybe.

Or maybe you can mind your own business.

Yo-Yo.

I wanted to ask you something.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

I'm gonna ask Clara to marry me.

Nately... Well, what do you think?

I think you're 24 years old, and she's a prostitute.

Yeah, so? I love her.

Doesn't that mean something?

It means you're not thinking straight.

I've never felt clearer.

So you're gonna marry an Italian whore,

you're gonna make a straight woman of her,

and you're gonna drag her home to Connecticut?

Connecticut?

What the hell is the matter with you?

No, this is all amazing. Here.

The life is amazing. Sex is amazing.

Italy is the greatest. We're gonna win the war.

And then I'm gonna use the GI Bill to stay here,

marry Clara, and open a restaurant.

You know how this works, don't you?

You pay her money, and she doesn't love you.

Well, you weren't there. What would you know?

Nothing. Nothing.

Oh, fuck, buddy.

You know, I was gonna ask you to be my best man and all.

Look at this thing.

You're 24. She's a prostitute.

She's a prostitute now.

She won't be once I've married her.

Dang, buddy, I am telling you something big here.

You're right.

This is great.

I'll be your best man.

I'm sorry. I'm very happy for you.

Thank you.

How are we looking?

- Holding. - Copy that.

That's what you said a minute ago.

Nothing's changed. We're holding.

Hey, that's the river, though, right?

Yeah, that's the river.

So, is that the bridge?

No, different bridge.

Well, how do you know we're talking about the same bridge?

I'm talking about that bridge.

I don't know what bridge you're talking about,

but it's not the bridge I mean.

But this is the river, right?

I can't see any other bridges.

'Cause we're not there yet.

How far are we, goddamn it?

- Close. - What?

I said we're close.

Close to what? The river or the bridge?

I'm seeing the river down there.

Come on, guys. Keep it together up there.

Come again, Bouncin' Betty, over.

I'm seeing the river down there.

He ain't talking to you, Yo-Yo.

This is 7344, approaching target, over.

What's going on?

Bouncin' Betty, do you read me?

This is 7344 approaching target.

What's going on with Bouncin' Betty?

Bouncin' Betty's been hit!

She's going down!

Bouncin' Betty, that's Orr's plane, isn't it?

Hey... Hey, Aarfy, Bouncin' Betty is Orr's plane.

Yossarian, are you on a steady heading?

We're approaching.

Yes, I'm on a steady heading.

Um, is that the bridge?

- What's Orr saying? - Who's Orr?

The Bouncin' Betty pilot.

He says both engines are out. He's taking it over the water.

Yossarian, what's your drift angle?

Uh...

Uh, 12 degrees.

You gonna correct that?

Yes, I'm gonna correct that.

Affirmative.

That's affirmative.

What's affirmative?

He ain't talking to you, Yo-Yo!

I was talking to Bouncin' Betty.

They're gonna ditch.

Shit.

Yossarian, that's the bridge.

Are you releasing?

What? That's the bridge?

Yeah, that's the bridge. That's the fucking bridge.

Fuck!

What happened?

He didn't drop the bombs.

He didn't drop the fucking bombs.

Yankee Doodle, did you miss your target and drop?

Yes, yes, drop. God damn it.

God, son of a bitch.

God damn it.

Hey, did they hit the bridge?

Let's take a look.

They were following your lead, Yossarian.

They released too late.

Shit.

Stunning work, Yossarian.

Stunning work.

Cathcart'll have us straight back up here tomorrow.

Fuck. Turn us around.

What?

Turn us around. We're going back.

Oh, you got to be kidding me, guys!

Back where?

Back to the target.

But what for?

To drop the bombs.

Are you serious?

Look, I didn't release, and they all missed.

I'm really sorry, fellas.

Let's just blow the Christ out of this fucking bridge

and go home.

Why don't we just go home?

Because I'm not coming back up here tomorrow, all right?

Motherfucker.

This is Yankee Doodle.

We are, uh... we're turning back to target

and we'll catch up with you.

Roger that, Yankee Doodle.

Fly safe.

Christ.

God damn it.

All right, holding at 4200.

Yossarian approaching quickly. You got that?

I got it.

All right.

Holding steady, 266.

Okay, holding steady. Holding course.

Holy shit.

30 seconds to target.

Holding.

Hold.

Come on, Yo-Yo!

Blast that bridge so we can get the fuck out of this shit!

Hold.

Hold.

Hold still, you fuck.

And...

Release.

And we're off.

All right, get us out of here.

Jesus Christ, what the fuck was that?

Yo-Yo!

Nately!

Nately, are you okay?

Yo-Yo! No!

Oh, fuck.

Yo-Yo! Yo-Yo, throw me something!

Oh! Nately!

Hang on!

Nately!

Nately, hold on!

Come on! Give me your hand!

Come on, I'm stuck! Yo-Yo, please!

- Come on! - God damn it!

Yo-Yo, please!

Hey, get me a rope!