Original subtitles

Ba ba-ba ba-ba ba-ba ba-ba ba-ba ba-ba

When the world in which you're living

Gets a bit too much to bear

And you need someone to lean on

When you look, there's no-one there

You're gonna find me Pa-pa pa-pa

Out in the country Pa-pa pa-pa

Yeah, you're gonna find me Pa-pa pa-pa

Way out in the country Pa-pa pa...

CAR HORN

And you want it completely revamped?

Start from scratch. I want a brand-new website.

Great, well... I'd love to do it.

I've got to tell you, Steve, you are exactly what I've been looking for.

I mean, what is it with web designers?

They all seem to be loners

who live in a bedsit and eat cold pizza.

LAUGHS No, not me.

I always heat my pizza up... in the Aga.

Oh, yes! You and your wife moved out to the country?Mm.

I've always wanted to do that. Oh, you definitely should.

I'm seriously considering it. So, how have you found it?

I... It's been life changing.

Yeah, we bought a run-down old cottage a couple of years ago,

totally renovated it.

Amazing.Yeah. What did you do?

Well, like I say, totally renovated it. Just...

New roof... new everything. CHUCKLES

And your wife's a landscape gardener, you say?

That's right, yeah.

She must love it there. Nicky. Oh, yeah. She loves it!

Give it another flush, Dad. Righto.

TOILET FLUSHES

BUBBLING

NICKY SIGHS

I'd say you've got a bit of a problem there.

That wants sorting, that does. Yeah, thanks, Dad.

Nice to get an expert opinion (!)

Does Steve possess some drain rods?

I don't think so. I don't remember seeing them on the wedding list.

Well, he wants to invest in some. Haven't you got a set?

Well, I don't like to meddle in Steve's business.

To be fair, I don't think it's all his.

Anyway, I've got to be at the bowls club in half an hour.

Committee meeting.

Who's that lunatic?

It's Grizzo. Oh, it's Catweazle, is it?

That explains it, he'll be drugged up to the eyeballs.

He doesn't touch drugs.

Does he not? No.

Then he really does have a problem.

Well done, you. I know, it's brilliant.

It's a big step up from doing nursing homes and chiropodists.

And Yorkshire Abattoir Association was a low point. Mm.

Don't remind me. It's Imelda's own company.

She's really successful, this could mean some proper money.

Well, thank God for that, we can stock up on some air freshener.

Did your dad say what was wrong? Mm.

I should have married a man with his own set of drain rods.

You don't need drain rods for a blocked bog.

It's a bit worse than a blocked bog.

You should see under that manhole cover.

No, thanks. It's like a Slush Puppie...

Yeah, all right. ..only made by Satan!Eurgh!

Is that Grizzo again? He was out running earlier.

Blimey!

Oh, 28.36k.

Yeah, not bad. You've just run 28 km?

Er... yeah. CHUCKLES

You training for a marathon, then? Eh?

I just thought you'd be doing a marathon.Oh, no!

What's the point in that?

No, I just like running. Takes the mind off stuff.

I run every day. I had no idea.

How long you been doing that for? Oh, since yesterday.

It's brilliant. It's changed my life.

My manager reckons it's really calmed me down.

Right.What it was, this package arrives out of the blue,

some big sportswear company want to use one of my songs for an advert.

So my manager says, "That'll cost you more than a tracksuit."

He ends up having a big row with them at Beyonce's birthday party.

Ice sculpture goes flying, Solange's in tears.

I'm stuck with all this running gear.

I thought... "What am I gonna do with it?"

And then I thought, "I know...

"I'll go running." CHUCKLES

You don't want to try, do you? I've got loads more.

Right, I'm good, thanks, Grizzo.

What about tennis? Ice hockey?

Weightlifting? No, you're all right, thanks.

Actually, not weightlifting, I gave that to Bjork.

Mind if I get a refill? Help yourself.

WATER BUBBLES Eurgh!

Actually, er... I think I'll leave it.

PHONE BUZZES AND RINGS

Imelda, hi. Hi, Steve, how's it going?

Yeah, it's going great.

Got something really special in mind for your portfolio.

Fantastic. Sounds like you've got the bit between your teeth.

Yeah. Mind you, it's not hard to be inspired

in an environment like this.

Oh, and here's me cooped up in this office.

Making me jealous. Yeah.

The old bees are buzzin'. Should have some honey soon.

Oh, stop it, I can almost taste it.

Me too. Yeah, it really is so beautiful this time of year.

Well, on that subject,

I've got a contract here that needs signing.Great, thanks.

So, I was thinking, why don't I just bring it out to you?

You don't have to come all this way. It's not that far.

It is. It's miles away.

It's really no trouble. Can't you just email it?

Steve! I want to see this amazing cottage of yours.

CHUCKLES

FLIES BUZZING

Well, that's it, I've lost the job.

She'll take one look at this place and think I'm a complete idiot.

And besides, she'll know I was lying.

Why does she want to see our house?

Well, for some reason, she's got it into her head

that we live in this idyllic country cottage.

You told her we live in an idyllic country cottage, didn't you?

Well, what was I supposed to say?

"Hi, my name's Steve. I live in a dump that got no roof,

"and smells like a tramp's underpants.

"Can I design your website, please?"

MATT AND MEENA: Cooee. Oh, God!

It's the happy puppies.

Anyone got a sack and a canal?

We have some exciting news, don't we?

We're going to learn basket weaving. Are you? Oh, good.

Yes, but tell Nicky and Steve where we're going to learn it.

BOTH: In Greece!

It's a residential course. One of the best in Europe.

It's so important to stop these traditional skills dying out.

I know, they're so useful (!)

Have you got a problem with your drains?

Oh, yeah, we're gonna sort that. Good luck with that.

You will have a problem here, you're not on the mains drainage system.

It's one of the reasons we didn't buy it.

I mean, we looked at this place, but...Yes. So you did.

Anyway, we wanted to ask you a favour.

Would you mind keeping an eye on the house while we're away?

The thing is... There's not much to do.

I know, but... It's just feeding the chickens...

Watering the tomatoes... ..deadheading the roses...

..keep an eye on the greenhouse. Maybe mow the lawn?

You can help yourself to the vegetables.

Well, perhaps not the aubergines. Well, we're actually really busy.

It's fine. We'll do it.

Oh, that's so good of you.

What do we say to Nicky and Steve? BOTH: Efharisto!

It's 'thank you'. In Greek.

SIGHS

Excuse me? Yeah?

Have you got any air freshener? Eh?

Have you got any air freshener?

You're all right, just open the door for a minute.

No, I haven't...

I need it for home. We've got a blocked drain.

I'll bet that stinks.

Yeah, it does a bit. So, have you got any?Don't know.

Well, can you ask Gareth? He's not here, he's in hospital.

Oh. Right.

Is he OK? He'll live.

E-cigarette went off in his pocket.

Set fire to his trousers.

Well, that sounds nasty. Burnt his leg.

Bronson doused him with Tango or it would have been worse.

Bronson to the rescue.

It's bad that an e-cigarette did that, though.

I know. Someone sold us a dodgy lot.

Hey, that weren't my fault.

Got 'em off Skunky. He's usually all right.

Anyway, I'm getting rid of 'em.

Well, that sounds like the right thing to do.

That's why they're on special offer.

Do you want one?

No, you're all right, thanks. Is this what you're after?

Oh, thanks, Bronson. Which one's the best?

Er... this one's for carpets and that.

This one's for toilets.

Eh, this one's the strongest. What's that for?

Minicabs.

Hi, Imelda. I'm afraid I'm going to have to cancel your visit because...

..because I have...

..Ebola. SIGHS

DOORBELL RINGS

Steve, drain rods. Drain rods, Steve.

STRAINS

Any luck? Nope.

There's only one thing for it.

I've got a mask and snorkel in the car.

You'll have to get down in there and have a look.

I'm not gonna go down a... I am joking.

Oh. Hiya.

Oh, you brought your drain rods. Have they done the trick?Nope.

But you'll be pleased to hear I now know what the problem is.

It's your septic tank.

It won't have been emptied for years, it's backing up.

Great (!) I don't suppose that'll do any good?

Not unless it's fly spray.

You've got a tank the size of a swimming pool under there,

full of effluent. Lovely.

So, what are we meant to do about it?

Well, you need to hire a tanker with a vacuum pump, and empty it out.

It'll cost you, mate. Well, how much are we talking?

420 quid! See, he was right.

I'm not paying that. We haven't got a choice.

Unless you wanna get out there with a saucepan, do it yourself.

Can't afford that kind of money now I've lost that job.

You haven't lost it yet.

As soon as Imelda comes round and sees this place, I will have.

If we could get rid of the smell. It'll still look like a tip.

All we need's a few seagulls flying around,

pecking at plastic bags.

When's she coming? Wednesday.

Well, if we could just make an effort in here...

Hang on, she's coming on Wednesday. ..gave it a lick of paint.

Matt and Meena'll be in Greece.

We can use their house.

You're not suggesting... Yes, I am.

We invite her to Matt and Meena's house,

and say it's ours.

It's perfect! Is it?

Pa pa-pa pa-pa pa-pa pa-pa

Tea and coffee in here.

Mugs in here.

Teaspoons...

Yes.

Welcome to our wonderful cottage, Imelda.

We'll never get away with it. She'll guess straight away.How?

Because it's not us, we don't fit in.

It's Matt and Meena's taste. What's it matter?

I'm not saying I like it.

In fact, I hate it.

I think it's pathetic

but it's better than showing her around a sewage works.

We'll only be here a couple of hours, maximum.

I'm not saying that long.

What time's septic tank man coming?12.

I found someone who'll do it for 300 quid.

Sorry, Ken, wrong again.

Some of us know how to haggle.

She's here. All the toys gone?

Yep. OK, let's do this.

And you did all this yourselves?

Yeah, you should have seen it when we bought it.

Horrible old wallpaper, a hole in the wall,

and it stank, didn't it, Nicky?

Yeah, yeah, it did.

So we just ripped it all out, started again.

The butler sink, the work surface...

Loads of storage.

Cupboards.

One there.

Another one here.

With a boiler in it.

How are you for the temperature, are you OK? Oh, I'm fine, thanks.

Would you like a biscuit? Ooh, home made?

Nicky made them. Brilliant.

So, what's in them?

Honey.

And oatmeal.

Ginger?

Yeah, and ginger.

Delicious. Thanks.

Anyway, I best be off.

Oh.

Those your kids?

Those? Yeah.

I thought you said your kids were grown up.

They are.

But we adopted.

Wow. Amazing.

So what are their names?

Silas and Pipps.

What Steve means is that we...

we sponsor them. Oh, right.

So whereabouts are they?

They're in Greece.

They're refugees.

Oh.

Well done you.

Thanks.

Would you like another biscuit?

I'm fine.

Anyway, I'll leave you to it. Nice to meet you, Imelda.

Nice to meet you, Nicky.

And...I'll see you later.

Yep, I'll see you at...

Here.

Right, I suppose I'd better sign this contract.

Ah, first things first.

I want to see the rest of the house.

Great.

Sorry I'm late.

Last job took longer than I thought.

Oh, it's fine.

Care home. Right.

Let me just say, it was more than I was expecting.

Oh, OK.

I've been in this job for over 20 years

and I've never seen anything - Yeah, get the picture!

Anyway, you're here now. So where's the tank?

It's this way.

STEVE: Yeah, half the roof was missing.

Great big tarpaulin over it.

It's very impressive. You've done a great job.

Anyway, here's the contract.

You have a little look at that. Make sure you're happy with it.

Thanks. Just gonna check my emails.

Is that your Wi-Fi network?

Erm...

Matt and Meena's webby web.

Yeah! I don't know why we called it that.

What's the password? Oh, it's...erm...

on the back of the router.

Which is...

SIGHS

Where did Nicky put it?

GRIZZO: 'Hey, Matt? Meena?'

That someone shouting? Yeah!

Phew!

Oh, it's a friend. I'll just go and see what he wants.

You just wait here.

Hey, Steve! What are you doing here?

Grizzo, listen... Just need a refill.

Matt and Meena in? No, it's just me.

Oh, right. Well, I'll fill this up, and I'll be off again!

Listen, Grizzo, Grizzo.

I need you to do me a favour.

Can you pretend this is my house? Eh?

What for?

I've got a really important client in there.

I've just borrowed it to impress her.

Won't Matt and Meena mind?

They won't find out.

They're in Greece.

MATT: We all wanted the holiday to continue, Silas,

but the catering simply wasn't acceptable.

But I liked it there.

It was hot and sunny.

Never mind. Maybe we'll go back another time.

Not there, we won't.

It's a point of principle.

They did apologise.

I refuse to believe that in the whole of the Greek archipelago

they cannot source gluten-free pitta bread.

But I wanted to make a basket.

Oh, I know. Let's make some baskets when we get home.

Yay!

All right. Imelda, this is Grizzo.

Oh, I know who this is. I saw you last year at Glastonbury.

Did I do Glastonbury?

You did a duet with Paul McCartney.

Oh, yeah, that's it. So, how do you know Grizzo?

Oh, we're old mates. Well, neighbours.

All right, where's your house? The other side of Nicky and Steve's.

Garden. Over the other side of our garden.

Just over the hill there. Yeah, near that...er...

old rubbish house.

That he doesn't live in.

So what do you do, then, Imelda? I'm an interior designer.

She's very successful. I'm doing a website for her.

Anyway, there's your water. You should do my place.

I'd love to.

I've got enough rooms.

I was thinking of putting in a home cinema.

Oh, you can't beat a home cinema.

I did one actually last year for a client over in Cheshire.

Oh, what's your... What's your style?

What would you do with this place? Well...

Imelda likes the kitchen as it is, she said.

All right, then. What about the living room?

Oh...

Go on. What would you do with it?

Can I be honest, Steve?

Yeah, go ahead.

You and Nicky have done a...

great job. I just think...

there's so much more you could do with this room.

Oh, absolutely. We'll definitely get round to it at some point.

Anyway... Shall we have a play?

I'm not sure we should, actually.

Yeah, come on, Steve. It's your house.

I'm simply saying he was very quick to take offence.

It doesn't matter now anyway.

I was only trying to be helpful.

Anyone knows that is not the correct way to make hummus.

I just expect, if you've been running a Taverna for 35 years...

What did the man say?

I don't suppose we'll ever know.

Let's just say it wasn't in the phrase book.

Anyway, we're nearly home now. Shall we sing our song?

We're nearly home, we're nearly home

We're nearly, nearly home

We're nearly home, we're nearly home

That picture's got to go, for a start.

Steve, would you mind?

Oh.

It's actually quite interesting this way round.

Pop it back up.

What do you think?

I love it!

It's genius.

Yeah, that is more interesting.

Right, Steve, grab the other end of that sofa.

Trust me.

Grizzo, would you mind? Oh!

Up it goes, up it goes.

All of this dumped in the corner.

Chair back.

Curtain rail off.

Right, books. Get 'em all out.

Free...

Whoo!

Really makes you feel better.

Oh!

Oh, ho ho! I'm so sorry, Steve!

All right, you're all done.

Great. It was 300, wasn't it?

What's that?Erm...

Cash only. I said that to the bloke on the phone.

Did you?

Can I write you a cheque? Sorry, love. Cash only.

Well, I've only got 20 quid on me. It's 300!

So what happens now?

If you can't pay...

..it goes back. What?

No way. Hang on.

You can't just fill it back up! You just watch me.

And I can't guarantee it will all be yours.

What do you reckon?

Oh, it's great.

I don't know how you put up with it before, Steve.

Thanks, Imelda. That's been...very useful.

You know what else we could do?

I...I really think we've probably done enough for now.

What's under this carpet?

Erm... You know, when you renovated?

Yeah, I think it's just...

floor.

What, floor...

boards, or...? Yeah, those.

Shall we have a look?

No, I remember. It's definitely floor boards.

I think floorboards would look good in here.So do I.

Me too, but I'm afraid...

We can't get rid of the carpet.

It's got sentimental value.

Nicky's mother chose it...

just before she died.

We're nearly home, we're nearly, nearly home.

We're nearly home, we're nearly home...

Honestly, I think the tiles are all right.

All right? Do we like 'all right'?

I don't want an 'all right' website, Steve.

And you won't get one, but I do think they're fine.

Where's your toolbox?

My toolbox is in the boot of the car, which Nicky's got, sorry.

Just use that.

Good idea!

I...I really think -

Steve, trust me. Just take one off.

Let's see what's behind it!

We're really home, we're really home.

We're really, really home

We're really home, we're really home

We're really, really home!

Here, try this.

Look, maybe I should wait until I've got my toolbox

and then I can do it properly. Just give it a whack!

Here we are. Hello, cottage!

Hello, cottage!

It'll be good to have proper muesli again.

Oh, it's... It's not coming off.

Put some welly into it.

CLANGING

GLASS CRACKING

Hi.

Oh...

It's the refugees.

I beg your pardon!

How was Greece?

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