Original subtitles

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba

Ba-ba-ba-ba

When the world in which you're living

Gets a bit too much to bear

And you need someone to lean on

When you look, there's no-one there

You're gonna find me out in the country

Yeah, you're gonna find me

Way out in the country...

SHEEP BLEATING

So, who put that tarpaulin up?

Like I said, it was the last builder we had.

He put it up and we didn't see him again.

He didn't finish the job, then?

What do you think? All right.

Just trying to establish the facts. Sorry.

It's just we've had real problems finding a good builder.

OK.

So, I take it you want the chimney rebuilt?

No, we thought we'd leave it

as a pile of bricks in the living room (!)

Look, I want to help. But if you're gonna be sarcastic...

Sorry, sorry. I apologise.

It's just been very frustrating.

Can we start again?

Aye. Course we can.

So, what caused it to collapse? Were it subsidence?

No. A rock star hovered over it in his helicopter.

Right. You've had your chance.

Well, it's true.

I've got better things to do with my time.

But that's what happened. Thank you. Good day.

That went well.

Oh, come on, Grizzo.

Straight to voicemail again.

What do you want him to do, come over with a ladder

and fix it himself? Well, yeah, if need be.

He can't just write out a cheque and think that's the end of it,

he knocked half our bloody house down.

Might as well have got Miley Cyrus round with her wrecking ball.

Oh, is that another hole?

We've definitely got moths. At least someone likes living here.

Cooee!

Oh, God. It's Matt and Meena with their home-knitted children.

Try to be nice.

What, still? It's only a hole in the roof.

It's a bit more than that. Why don't you get up there

and fix it yourself? That's what Matt did

when our shed roof was leaking. Matt's ever so good with roofs.

Maybe you'd like to fix ours.

We'll pay you good money. Ha.

We actually would. Oh, you're serious?

Oh, no, thank you.

Anyway, we thought you might like some runner beans.So I see.

Runner beans are good for you.

Not as nice as jelly beans, though. We don't like sweets.

No, of course not.

So, they're all yours. We probably don't need that many.

Well, you can freeze them. Yes, just top and tail them.

String them.Blanch them. Refresh them.

Bag them up. Pop in the freezer.

It really is that easy.

It's very kind of you.That's how it works in the countryside.

If you've got a surplus, give it to your neighbours.

Well, if you need any rubble... Ha-ha.

By the way, are you gonna do anything with those crab apples?

You know, the little round things growing in your tree?

Yeah, we know what crab apples are. We'll probably leave them to rot.

You can't eat them, they're sour. BOTH LAUGH

Listen to the townie. Have you never heard of crab apple jelly?

We were hoping to make some.

Sure. Pick some on your way out.

Why can't they get their own crab apples,

instead of coming round here and pinching ours?

How do you make crab apple jelly, anyway? You don't.

Not if you've got any sense.

Well, I do hope he gets the recipe right

and doesn't end up with chronic stomach pain.

SHE CHUCKLES

What are you doing? I thought you got it going?

Well, I did, for about ten seconds. Then it conked out again.

So we've got to walk all the way to Grizzo's? Fresh air will do us good.

SIGHS

Get enough of that in the house.

What are these lot up to? Community payback.

Did you lock the front door? HE LAUGHS

Oh, no, it's Bronson. Oh, God.

Did we lock the front door?

Hi, Bronson. All right, Steve, Nicky.

Keeping you busy, then, are they? Community service.

Got done for nicking some acrow props. Sold them for scrap, like.

We know. It was our house you stole them from. Oh, yeah, that's right.

'Ey, sorry about that.

Only it did cause our chimney to collapse.

To be fair, that weren't down to me, that were the helicopter.

Well, the helicopter and the fact that there were no acrow props

to support the chimney.

Oh, yeah. I see what you're saying.

Oh, God, here comes fatso. Right, come on, Bronson,

back to work, mate.

What's his problem?

What are your new mates like? They're not new mates.

I went to school with them. One of them's my cousin.

Kyle, ciggy?

Right.

That's their house there.

'Let your mind relax.

'Leave it to the universe.

'Only this moment in time exists.

'Imagine your thoughts floating free,

'away from the everyday concern...'

I mean, obviously it goes on a bit, but you get the idea.

Mindfulness. I definitely recommend it.

It's a bit like Buddhism, only you can still eat sausages and stuff.

Right.

Anyway, how's the building work going?

Well, actually, that's why we're here, Grizzo.

We can't find a builder. What about Martin,

the guy I told you about. Did you ring him?

The one building a beach house in the Bahamas for Simon Cowell?

Yeah, strangely enough, he never got back to us.

That's weird. I know. Bizarre, isn't it?

So, any other suggestions?

Er... Ooh, let me have a think.

How we gonna sort this?

Er...

I know, I've got it. Here's what you do.

Leave it to the universe.

Well, that was worthwhile (!)

He means well.

So does Tess Daly, why don't we go and see her next?

Well, in case the universe doesn't fix it,

I'm gonna put a notice in the shop.

'Wanted - builder who can fix cars.'

Ooh, takeaway.

Where did you get that?

Leeds. Oh, have you been to Leeds today?

No.

Went last month. Froze it.

Oh, right. Stir-fry chicken with pineapple.

Do you want some? Oh, no, you're all right, thanks.

Erm...

Can I put this in the window?

?10. I remember. ?5 a month after that.

Six. Sorry?

?6. Brexit.

Oh, right.

Oh. I've lost a ?10 note.

I don't suppose I could, er, owe you, could...

No. OK.

You don't happen to know any builders, do you?

Gareth!

Do we know any builders?

You what?!

Do we know any builders?

There's my nephew Kyle.

He's working with Bronson at the moment.

Still at it, then?

Got to fill two bags before Humpty Dumpty will let us go.

Well, perhaps you should just keep... Yeah, would do.

Only there's not enough litter round here.

Maybe you should go more that way, up by the main road.

Not allowed.

Health and safety. Right.

You missed a bit there.

So, er...

maybe you should...

OK, I'll just...

Stick it in't bag, if you want.

Actually, I think I might hold on to this.

Honest John?

I've already spoken to him on the phone,

and he actually sounds all right. I thought you had a builder.

Yeah, so did we. But there was a misunderstanding

and he left.

So where did you get this?

I just picked it up. Where?

When I was out and about.

What, did someone give it to you? No, I...

If you must know, I found it in a hedge.

I see.

We might as well give him a try, Dad.

It's not as if we've got a queue of builders

waiting to give us a quote.

I'm just saying, the last person I trust

is someone who calls himself Honest John.

It's just a trade name. I mean, I could call myself Sexy Ken.

That doesn't mean I... Eugh, Dad, please.

Anyway, he's coming out tomorrow. He sounds really keen to do the work,

so let's all try and sound positive for a change.

Hm.

Is that a moth hole in your jumper?

Blimey, it's Honest John.

Honest punctual John.

Morning. Morning.

Morning. Has one of you lost a tenner?

Only I found this. Oh, thanks.

You said you'd lost one. It was down by your wall.

I noticed you've got a wild orchid, an early purple.

I bent down to have a look at it, and there's this ?10 note

staring back at me.

Thank you. Oh, don't thank me, it's your money.

Right, let's have a look at this roof, shall we?

I'm sure I'll be able to get you sorted.

Brilliant.

Oh, what a wonderful place.

You must really love it here.

MOUTHS

This is a very reasonable quote.

And that includes materials?

Yes. I'll let you see all the bills as I go along.

Honesty is the best policy.

Anyway, I expect you'll need time to think about it, you know,

get some other quotes... Oh, there's no need.

We've already done that. The job's yours.

Definitely. When can you start? Erm, well, probably start tomorrow,

if you like? Brilliant.

Great. Right.

Any other questions?

Erm... No.

No.

God, he's a hard worker, didn't even want a cup of tea.

Oh. Honest, punctual, hard-working John.

He's gonna need to get himself a longer van.

So have all of those got moth holes in them?

No.

All these have. God.

There's nothing but sheep out there, they can eat all the wool they want.

But oh, no, it has to be our jumpers.

Let's hope they don't go for John's, you know...

I think they only go for natural fibres.

So what are you gonna do with them?

Just have to chuck them out. Can't we give them to charity?

Oh, that's nice, isn't it?

"I've just escaped from a war zone." Oh, poor you,

would you like a moth-eaten jumper?

Oh, no.

What the hell is he doing here?

Sorry, Bronson, can I help you?

Er, yeah, if you like.

No, I meant what are you doing in our garden?

Oh, right. Erm, just looking for litter and that.

Got to fill two bags somehow. Otherwise I'm gonna be here forever.

Ain't got any rubbish, have you?

House. Car.

Why, what's wrong with it? Just won't start.

I'll get it started for you. You know how to start a...

Silly question.

I'll see if I can find the key. No, I don't need it.

Just get us a paperclip. A paperclip?

Yeah, summat like that.

Great.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's in it for me?

A load of moth-eaten clothes?

Yeah, that'll do.

ENGINE STARTS

BOTH: Ta-da!

Sorry? The crab apples.

You know, the ones that you were gonna leave to rot.

Oh, right.

Daddy said it's because you don't know any better.

Did he? Yes.

And he said you're a... Oh, look, Silas,

it's a man with a bucket.

Did I hear someone mention crab apples?

Do you know, my granny used to make the best crab apple jelly

in all of Yorkshire.

Won prizes, she did. Oh.

Why don't you help yourself to a jar?

I'm sure Steve won't mind if you have one.

Take as many as you want.

Do you mind if I taste it first? No.

Please do. Taste away.

I rather think your granny would approve.

I mean, it needs to mature...

Obviously it'll improve with age.

Oh, no, this won't.

I'm afraid that's no good at all.

Hm. It's too bitter.

And the aftertaste is lacking fruit.

It's very disappointing. Oh.

Bad luck.

Hiya.

I see you've met Honest John.

I can't wait to see your dad's face.

Honest John meets Sexy Ken.

See, Grizzo was right. Leave it to the universe.

Er, no. The universe isn't getting the credit for this,

I'm the one who found him.

I've been thinking, the rates he's charging,

we might even be able to do the living room.

You know, get that done, decorate the place,

finally start settling in. Yeah.

Or find some other sucker and sell it to them.

Yeah, that one.

Oh, hi, John. How's it going? Fancy a cup of tea?

No, thanks. There's a bit of a problem, I'm afraid.

You've got a colony of moths. Ha. You think?

What gave it away?

They're in the roof space.

Oh, well, now we know where they are, we can get rid of them.

Er, that's the problem. You can't. They're protected.

Not from moth killer, they're not. No, they're a protected species.

It's a criminal offence to interfere with them.

Come off it. It's hardly up there with mugging a pensioner.

Nevertheless, you will have to report it to the authorities.

Strictly speaking, yeah. But can't we just, you know,

ch-ch-ch, keep quiet about it? No.

Why not? Well, that would be dishonest.

I'm sorry, the work's gonna have to stop.What about our roof?

It'll have to wait until the breeding season's over, I'm afraid.

Then there'll just be more of them. Good point.

I found this. That won't do it.

We need some heavy duty spray.

We are doing the right thing, aren't we?

Of course we are. Don't worry about Honest John.

He's a nice enough bloke, but frankly...

I mean, maybe they'll just die out naturally.

Well, you heard what he said. It's a colony.

That's how America started. Now look at it. He did seem to think...

Why should we be lectured by someone who goes around with a doormat

stapled to his head? They're only moths. I know, you're right.

It's not as if we've got a family of snow leopards up there.

Don't speak too soon. It's not winter yet.

CLANKING

ENGINE FAILS TO START

Bronson.

Hi, Shannon.

SLURPS

SLURPS

Nice?

Not really.

Er, is Bronson here?

No. Why?He got our car started, but it's broken down again.

I've had to walk all the way here.

Exercise will do you good.

Yeah, but he said he'd fixed it.

Did you pay him? No, but we gave him two bags of...

Oh, forget it.

I don't suppose you've got anything for moths?

Gareth!

Have we got anything for moths? You what?!

Do we have anything that kills moths?

You could try that perfume of yours.

Argh!

Thanks.

Actually, I'd better take a couple more.

Just in case.

SIGHS

'Relax and take the opportunity to slow down.

'Surrender yourself to the universe.'

DIALS NUMBER

PHONE VIBRATES

All right, Grizzo? Hi, Steve.

You know that hole in your roof?

Yes. Well, I left it to the universe,

and sure enough, the universe has come up with the answer.

Go on. You know Martin?

My builder.

The one doing a beach house for Simon Cowell?

Yeah. Well, they've only gone and had a big bust-up.

Martin made a joke about his trousers,

Cowell went ape.

LAUGHS

You'd think he'd have heard them all.

Anyway, upshot is he's off the job, so he's up for doing your roof.

That would be brilliant. You haven't found a builder, then?

No. Well, we did, but he's downed tools

because he found a protected species of moth up there.

Oh, bummer.

So what are you gonna do?

Just get rid of them. What, kill them?

Yeah, pretty much.

No, Steve, you can't do that. That's bad karma.

They're only moths. You eat sausages.

Sausages aren't a protected species, Steve.

Yeah, good point. Those moths are protected for a reason.

Sorry, Steve, I can't ask Martin to go against the universe.

SIGHS

Karma...

Actually, do you know, this will probably do.

You're all right, we've got some more somewhere.

BELL DINGS DOOR OPENS

Congratulations.

We've heard the good news.

Hey?You've got a protected species living in your roof.

Lucky devils. Why couldn't they have chosen our roof?

Moths are our friends.

Can we go and see them?

No. You're not meant to disturb them.

Who told you, anyway? It was that lovely builder of yours.

SHANNON: Found them.

He brought round a load of crab apples from his garden.

Turned out your apples were the problem.

Oh. Sorry about that.And he told us all about your little house guests.

There you go.

Yep, that is the stuff.

You make sure you don't sell any of that.

It's really bad for moths.

Bye.

Oh. Isn't she thoughtful?

A Norfolk farmer has been found guilty

of destroying a dormouse habitat.

Disturbing a protected species can incur fines of up to ?10,000

or a custodial sentence.

And 46-year-old Neville Carter has been warned

he could face six months in prison.

I'm just saying, we could go to jail.

Jail?

Well, on the news there was this farmer and he had dormice,

and he, you know... pooft!

Six months in prison.

Well, at least he's got a roof over his head.

We can't just let all the building work stop cos of a few moths.

Get up there and give them a good spray.

Nobody's gonna know.

Unless you're worried one of the moths

is gonna fly off to the police station and report it.

Yeah, but what if Honest John does?

I told you he was bad news.

You wanna keep some of that back and use it on him.

That is a good idea. Yeah, like that's not against the law.

All I'm saying is are you gonna sit there

and let your entire future be ruined by some do-gooder

and his precious moths?

Maybe we should sleep on it.

Dear, oh, dear.

Oh, no!

I've been eaten in the night.

Oh, so have I.

Right. They have crossed the line.

This is war.

DOORBELL RINGS

Good morning.

Janet Dawson, Environment Agency.

We've been notified of a protected species at this location.

Have you? Under Schedule 5 of the Wildlife and Countryside Act,

I'm requesting access to this premises for inspection purposes.

The moths.

We were just gonna put that in the bin.

So you reported it, did you?

Honesty is the best policy. Is it? Always?

I think so, yes. Oh, good.

Well, in that case, John, I'll be honest. Steve.

You are a small-minded, sanctimonious,

interfering busybody.

I'm sorry you feel that way.

Oh, and while we're all being honest,

not one person anywhere you go

ever looks at you and thinks, 'Oh, look,

'there goes Honest John with his full head of hair.'

They all think, 'There's Honest John who's honest about everything,

'except for the fact that he's actually bald.'

Just being honest, John.

OK, well, since you brought it up...

Yes, I do wear a wig, and the reason I do

is that I lost my hair because I'm having chemotherapy.

Right, well, good luck with that.

Shall I show you where these moths are?

MUSIC: 'In The Country' by Cliff Richard And The Shadows

Subtitles by TVT

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0