Original subtitles

There's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam. Cause there's no place

home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with no flame away.

No, no. Pulling together, we'll make it right.

With help from our friends, I know we can try. Cause there's no place like

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you're loved, you don't need to roam.

Cause there ain't no place like home. There ain't no place like home.

I mean, no -play child.

Okay, thank you.

Daddy, did you hear that? I heard, I heard.

Mom, Mom, I have great news. Dr.

Thurston agreed to come and interview me. Isn't that great?

Yeah, that's great.

Who's Dr.

Thurston?

Mom, Howard Thurston, only the dean of admissions at NYU.

Brenda, I thought you were going to check out my alma mater.

Maryland Eastern Shore?

Mom, I want to go to NYU. We've been over this a trillion times.

A trillion?

Okay, ten.

Wherever you go to college, I hope they got a good math department.

Then you can at least see what Maryland Eastern Shore has to offer.

Mom, I want to go to NYU.

Honey, would you talk to her?

Mary, I don't care what college she goes to as long as she goes to college.

Stay out of this, Lester.

What's wrong with Maryland Eastern Shore?

Okay, Mom, I'll apply.

But all they do there is study.

I'm going to the library.

Well, I hope it's not to study.

Nope, they have cute guys hanging out there.

Hi, Mr. Marlowe. Well, hello, Brenda.

My luck is going from bad to worse.

What a delightful child.

So well -mannered, exceptional, but...

What can one expect from such an exceptional family?

He wants something, and it's something exceptional.

Just lock up the old checkbook, Mary.

Now, Lester, Lester, let's not be so rash.

Actually, I'm a tad overextended, and I could use an advance on your next

month's rent.

That's funny, since you're late with this month's heat.

The truth is, Mary...

I have a rendezvous this evening with a lovely lady who's a prominent figure in

the movie industry.

Wow, you got a date with an usherette.

Very, very, very.

We're talking Monica Paxton here, the director, the queen.

of the low -budget fix.

She's given us bloody, bloody prom night, bloody, bloody driving school,

classic bloody, bloody jury duty.

I know, jury, and you get to rent the first of the month as always. What a

I was hoping our date might lead to a collaboration that would necessitate my

relocation to Hollywood.

Uh, do you still spell Barlow with a B?

Here we are, sir.

Thank you, Travis, my good man.

No problem.

Officer?

Oh, excuse me.

What is it? What about my tip?

Oh, I'll handle it the way I usually do.

How's that? You ain't never tipped me before?

Exactamundo.

Monica Pax!

Honey, sweetheart.

I've got a script here.

And there is only one person in the world who could direct this epic opus.

You.

We'll take a meeting. We'll take a lunch. We'll take a shower. Whatever it

takes. That's what we'll take.

Who is this buffoon?

How do I begin? This is the biggest... He is my writing partner.

Look, guys, I'm not looking for any new projects right now, but I'll read your

script.

It's good to know there are some cut -rate writers right here in town.

Pleasure seeing you again, and my people will be in touch with your people.

We'll do lunch.

Julian. Yes? I want to thank you for a wonderful evening. Oh, champagne,

good conversation. I merely wanted to provide you with a brief respite from

tedious location scouting, you know? Yes, it's been tough trying to find the

right apartment building to use as my sorority house.

I can well imagine how hard it is to find the building with the right

You know, with that exquisite neo -federalist architecture that goes so

with blood, don't you think? You know, Julian, this building might be a

possibility. What, my little apartment building? Oh, I wouldn't want to

inconvenience my tenant. Well, we are on a tight budget, but we'd pay you, of

course. Oh, no, I couldn't possibly take any money from you.

How tight is tight?

Hi, Mr. Barlow.

Oh, Brenda.

May I introduce you to Monica Paxton, the director.

Monica Paxton. Oh, I love your movies. I've seen Bloody Bloody Prime Night five

times. I love the homecoming scene where no one's alive to come home.

It was movie magic.

Yes, not to mention the money we saved on actors.

Well, nice to meet you. Good night.

Good night, Brenda.

That girl is wonderful. She is perfect. I have a small but crucial part for her

in my film. How odd you should mention that. You know, I'm just on the verge of

signing her to a personal management contract.

I'll tell you what, Julian.

You get Brenda to play the part of Joanie, and I'll use your building as

sorority house in my movie.

Well, since we're on a date, shall we seal the deal with a handshake?

Or a kiss.

Here I am on the debating team.

And that's me when I was a cheerleader.

Mom, you look different in the cheerleading picture.

You look bigger.

The wonders of tissue paper.

I was a cheerleader once.

I did a split and couldn't walk for a week.

Well, anyway, I spent wonderful years at this school, and so will you.

Mom, I already said I would apply to Maryland Eastern Shore, but I'm set on

I'll get it.

Ah,

Julian. Now, here's an excellent reason to go away to college.

You can't live with them, and you can't live without their rent.

Mary. may I introduce Monica Paxton, the director.

Oh, my goodness, I'm delighted.

How do you do?

Oh, Monica Paxton.

I just love that film about Tarzan finds the sun.

Pearl, Monica did not direct Tarzan finds the sun.

Well, I don't care.

I loved it anyway.

Say goodnight, Pearl.

Good night, you all.

Brenda, I have exciting news. Monica wants to use you in her new film.

Really? You want to use me in your movie, Mom? Did you hear that? Brenda,

down. Don't get too excited.

I'm afraid Brenda's never done anything like this before. No problem. I prefer

mixing amateurs in with professionals. It gives my films that improvisational,

low -budget quality.

Mom, can I do it? I'm an amateur. Please, please, please, please.

Oh, okay, okay.

But I have to see the script, and it can't interfere with your school study.

Staggering through the door.

Bloody, disheveled.

Trying to warn everybody.

Isn't this exciting?

Not for me. I just found an eyeball in my sandwich.

Nancy, that's a prop.

All right, everybody, let's settle down.

Quiet on the set, quiet, please.

We're going to try a take.

Okay, everybody, take one.

Okay, now work with me, guys. Makeup, I need some more blood over here.

Oh, yes, yes. Oh, yes, that's good. Now, tear a blouse a bit more.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it. Hold it. Wait a minute. Stop.

Stop. Stop.

That's good. That's good.

Only the director is allowed to yell cut.

Except when she's cutting my daughter's blouse.

What's the matter? Is there a problem?

Yes, I have a problem. I want to know why you're tearing my daughter's blouse,

showing her you know what's to the public.

I'm going to get rid of that tissue paper.

We are shooting the scene where the dean has just killed little Joanie. He kills

all the co -eds.

Just as I thought. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

I am. That's why I'm a success.

Ha! All you're doing is making another one of those sexist films.

I am so tired of men getting to chop up women. Just when will somebody make a

movie where a woman gets to chop up men?

You stop interfering.

Just stick with what you do best.

I mean, besides annoying people.

Oh, shut up, Julian. I am sick of women being victims.

Listen, I don't care who kills who. I just want my little girl covered up.

of course you don't care. You're a man.

Oh, hell.

Wait. I am having a creative flash.

Mary is right.

Instead of the dean stalking the women, a woman should be...

stalking the dean, a sorority house mother. She becomes the flasher, and the

dean becomes the victim.

I love it.

So do I.

I mean, it's time that a woman got to cut off a man's head with a linoleum

and carve her initials in his chest.

That means I'll have to recap and rewrite, and my writer just went back to

regular plumbing job.

Perhaps you'd like to avail yourself of the services of my new client, Travis

and Dylan.

Yes, but what good is a rewrite if I can't find the woman to play the part? A

woman so terrifying, so strident, the mere sight of whom will send shivers of

fear and disgust down the spines of my movie -going public.

You have just described my newest client.

Mary, you are available.

We gotta get to work on this crib, homeboy.

Where'd we leave off?

Fade in.

That's good.

It's riveting.

This is Mary's big scene.

She's waiting for the hated dean of admissions to arrive.

Okay. But we got to make it good.

So what do we have so far?

Fade in.

That's still good.

Okay, here's the thing.

It's Wednesday.

Wednesday. I love it. What comes next?

Thursday.

You're a genius.

Wait a minute, Travis.

We're blowing out big chance here. We've got to think of something.

Look around.

Look around, man.

Surely there's something crying out. Right me.

Right me.

How's this?

Night crept across the peaceful campus as if the darkness itself knew the

terror. that awaited the innocent co -ed. That is great. That is great,

I can't believe you just made that up. I didn't. I got it off the back of the

Stephen King now.

Hey.

How'd those guys do on the rewrite, Monica?

Well, it's either brilliant beyond comprehension or simply beyond

Doesn't matter.

I can make it work.

Monica!

Look at your rewrite.

What are you trying to pull?

Calm down, Joe.

It's just a little conceptual change.

Little! Little!

You hired me, the Joe Beaumont, to play the dean, the slasher, and now I

find I am to be the slashee, killed off like some bit player.

I didn't leave the Betty Ford Clinic for this.

Joe, think of it as an opportunity to play a great death Look how many times

Cagney died in film.

Yes, but at the end, at the end.

You didn't just make his entrance and get bumped off.

Oh, Joe, you are overreacting.

Overreacting?

I'll show you overreacting.

This Mary Jenkins is not going to get away with role -stealing.

Buckle your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night.

seen Joe that angry. You think he's gone off the deep end? I don't have time to

worry about this. Go tell him I want him back here for rehearsal right now. He

will get killed by Mary and like it.

Here I am, dressed to kill.

Perfect.

Here's the scene.

The dean will enter and identify himself.

And then, at the appropriate moment when he mentions the word paperwork, you

offer to cut him a slice of cake.

With this!

You can not only kill the baker, you can kill the whole bakery with that.

But instead of slicing the cake, you hack the dean into strudel.

Death scene, eh?

I'll give them a death scene.

They won't soon forget.

Very good, excellent.

Joe! Joe, wait! Monica wants to be her interesting!

Joe! Excuse me, miss.

I'm Dean Thurston from NYU.

Could you direct me to the Jenkins residence?

Yes, apartment E. Joe! Joe, wait! Hang on!

Just relax.

Let it flow.

The actor who's playing the dean will be here in a few minutes.

Okay. Now, when I'm rehearsing, do I hold back or let it all out? Let it all

hang out, Mary.

I'm going to go see about the airbag for when you get thrown off the roof.

Roof top flip. Ain't that a blip?

Now, remember, get yourself into a bloodthirsty, killing mood.

Think...

I'm bad.

I'm crazy.

Yeah,

it's working. I do feel crazy.

Come in.

Hello. I'm the dean of...

I realize I'm very early, but I was in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd take

a chance.

Well, come in.

Have a seat by the night. I mean, the cake.

Thank you.

I hope the applicant is here.

Oh, she'll be alone.

So, how long have you been dean of the university?

Many years. I'm thinking of retiring.

Would that be as in early retirement?

Well, who can say?

I can.

Yes. Well, why don't we just get on with this and review these forms?

Now, when you say forms, is that in paperwork?

Well, you could say that.

Say what?

What you just said.

What did I just say?

I believe something about paperwork.

Are you crazy?

Yes, I'm crazy.

I killed all the men on the campus. Campus?

I'm the Phi Beta Decapitation.

What is going on here?

Oh, hi. We're just rehearsing. You call it rehearsing? I call it running for my

life. Who is this man?

You don't know?

I am Howard Thurston, Dean of Admissions of NYU, a school where nobody you even

know will be attending this fall.

Brenda.

Brenda, I've got something to tell you.

What did you do now, blow up the school?

Oh, honey, that's not fair. I told you it was an honest mistake. I thought he

was an actor.

Mom, my kids will get into NYU before I do.

Honey, not necessarily.

I just got off the phone with Dean Thurston, and he was very understanding.

He's coming back?

No.

But he is sending his assistant, and he's coming this afternoon.

Oh, Mom, promise you won't try to kill him, too.

Oh, honey, I promise I won't make the same mistake again.

Thanks, Mom.

Mary Jenkins?

Oh, you must be the dean.

Thank you for coming.

Oh, the pleasure will be all mine.

I assure you.

I wasn't expecting you so quick. I'm afraid my daughter isn't here.

Oh, no matter. My business is with you.

Have a seat.

Thank you.

I'll just get the refreshments.

Vengeance will soon be mine.

self -comfortable, you took off your tie.

Good. Oh, yes, indeed.

No need to be so formal. No need to be so stiff yet.

Well, I certainly hope you like pound cake. You know, I made this myself.

Is a big slice okay?

Tell the truth. Does that look like real silk to you?

It's got a spot on it. Oh, no.

Hold me now.

It's just a little stuffy in here. Do you mind if I open a window?

Oh, no, go right ahead.

Good.

Oh, my gosh, look at that. There's a fire out there.

I don't see anything.

You're not leaning out far enough.

From NYU.

Oh, hello.

Well, if you're the dean, who is... Sir?

Sir?

Strange, there was a man here two seconds ago.

Mom, please don't blow this one for me.

No, I'm serious.

There was a man here. Look, here's a tie.

Dean Chandler, you have to excuse my mother. She's been doing a horror movie

she's killing characters.

I understand.

Mrs. Jenkins, NYU is very interested in having your daughter as a student.

Oh, well, wonderful.

Well, there you are.

Where did you go?

Oh, I went out for a breath of fresh air.

He's in the movie, Mom. That's Joe Beaumont. Didn't you see Dad as a

That was you? You were great.

I still am.

I thought you were the dean. You're very convincing.

Miss Jenkins, I'd like to go over your application with you. Right over here.

Joe! Darling, just so you fall into the airbag, what a pro!

You were brilliant!

Was I?

Really?

Thank you.

You know, Miss Paxton, I've been thinking. I mean, you guys are pros.

I think I should leave the acting to the professionals.

Why don't you find someone more qualified for the part? Someone else.

going to find someone else to play a deranged house mother on such short

I mean... You'd

be willing to play a woman.

Well, playing Tootsie didn't do Dustin Hoffman any harm, did it?

Bye -bye.

So what did he say?

I've been accepted to Maryland Eastern Shore.

That's wonderful! You'll love it!

Mary, it is her decision to make.

I know that, darling.

I was just excited, okay?

Well, my little girl has also been accepted by NYU.

It's still her decision, honey.

Then let her make it, baby.

Thank you, dearest.

So what did you decide, honey?

Michigan State.

They have a great football team.

And then on the other hand, there's the University of Virginia. They have a

beautiful campus. And I hear so many things about USC.

And, Mom, you know I always wanted to go to Los Angeles.

And then there's Syracuse.

And Calvin goes to Morgan State.